new journal...   
07:13pm 14/05/2004
  http://www.livejournal.com/users/shallowsihkness/

new journal because blurty fucking sucks!
 
     Post
 
long time no talky....   
09:05am 09/05/2004
 
mood: drained
um...been busy with things with a certain someone. can't tell who or where i am. but i just thought i might update to let everyone know i'm ok. and i'm happy. everything is going really well. work picked up. and pieces are falling together.
 
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lonely...   
04:01am 06/05/2004
 
mood: artistic
errrrr.....it's 5am and i just got off the phone with nikie. she was shoving ice cream into her face. she is fun to talk to. she's so blunt and sarcastic lol.

i'm tired but i can't sleep. i just finished watching 16 candles. ash called me tonight. she keeps asking me when i'm coming to cary to see her. i can't afford it right now altho i do miss her alot. *sighs* altho sometimes i think she tries to make me jealous. and i still can't figure out why she makes me so jealous. i was never this way before her.

*yawns* but i think i'm prolly going to end up alone in the end just like i always do. even if she does have me wrapped around her finger. this is sad...i'm pussy whipped and i dun even want/get pussy from her. *tisk tisk lele*

when we are in that dark cell far under the gound,
i will hold you until the blood stops the flow of life.
when you think you are going to die alone,
i'll be the one clenching your cold hands.
i will look up into the darkness,
and curse the gods that take you from me.
i will take my last breath,
with the scent of you in the air.
i never thought dying would feel so good.
the lacerations on my sides,
of you begging me to take it all away.
your nails digging into my cold hard flesh,
so cold, the blood did not seep thru my shirt.
the shirt you made me,
with your own small, frail, boney fingers.
but your wasting away now.
how am i to save you?
i have nothing to offer you but love under these mounds of dirt piled over us.
i shall use my own hands to dig thru the rock.
the rocks that you piled above you,
to keep out the light.
i can save you.
take my dirty hands that will be washed clean for you and only you.




and thats all i'm writing because it fucking sucks. nvm. god i'm a fucking failure.
 
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new worlds...   
03:05am 05/05/2004
 
mood: grateful
music: afi- song for sorrow
um...my uncle is moving to washington with his new bf i suppose. make me sad. i have no car, no job, no cash, no nothing now. what do i do? where do i go? who can i ask for help? no one is seems. i don't have much here. the few friends i do have will miss me. lacking baylee...because she has matt now. it feels like i serve no significance to anyone. it kind of hurts. i was thinking in my past again.....how i became so successful. i had someone there. a girl. she told me what to do. i did as i was told. she ran me. i'm sub. i can't help it but i like it that way. i like to be told what to do. i think i need that again because.....i have no self motivation. i need someone to live for. it's sad. how i'm dependant on someone else to control my every move. but that is the way i choose to live life. and since i have not had that......i have nothing to show for anything. my dreams have faded. i need someone to help me with my dreams. to be there and tell me it's ok. it will work out. because.... they will be there for me. because of love. i keep trying to tell myself it doesn't exist. but it does. i feel it. i want it. i crave it. like my addiction. i'm addicted to love. but i can't find it adn it has yet to find me. so what am i to do? am i supposed to waller in my own depression pit? i can't pull myself out. i feel dead. i want to kiss her. *bites my lip* i miss her greatly despite of harse words thrown back and forth.

possibly it's because she is dominating. she can control me keep me on lock down. make sure i dun fuck up my life. or...the fact that....her words mean something to me. or the fact that i'm always thinking about her. i can't get her out of my head. i try to sleep to dream but....she is always there. i remember running my fingers thru her hair. and her soft skin on the tips of my fingers. but to be sure....that she...would want me...i don't think i will ever know. these perfected images in my head like a slideshow of the past. wanting the pictures to go fast causing action so it feels real in my mind. but it's not.

i need love. but again....who will love me? is it her? or....am i just fooling myself again.

my eyes burn i keep rubbing them. i need sleep. in my own bed. ni ni.
 
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rescue me...   
04:54am 04/05/2004
 
mood: devious
music: some techno crap tony is playing.
i went to the fag bar to hang out. lets just say it really wasn't a fag bar. more or less a chink bar. fucking asians i swear. they were everywhere. i had fun dancing tho. i love kicking wiggers asses at dancing BAM! oh yea.....

yea...so...i'm sleeping and hungry and not a damn person is online to talk to me. i'm staying over here at tony's until tomorrow.

i think we are going to watch gothica. fun stuff. lets see how bad this movie really. oh yea...went to becca's lastnight the editor for avada mag. we got i think 12 pages layed out for the mag. the mag comes out april 15th. so hopefully all my girls will have their asses in gear.

yea..so..i'm gonna eat and...yea...do something.

PS> i need luv. wish someone would come cuddle with me. i miss having someone there...yea..there i go again with the sappy lesbian crap. yea..i'm going..i'll shut up.
 
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busy busy busy....   
12:08am 01/05/2004
 
music: i'm really hot- missy elliot
found all 5 of my models today...
ruin
synthetic dream
sihkotica
loki
neogeisha

all five girls i found today. i have been working my ass off all day to get things rolling. i have 6 pages for myself to work with. 5 for the girls ( they each get their own page) and 1 for myself for the fashion article. this is stressful. i have to go friday to meet with becca for the page layouts at her place. that iwll be an all night thing. 97 pages in one night wheew! party time. i need packets from everyone

Enclosed is the information needed to become the model for avada mag. What i need from you is your modeling packet which includes:

5 hard copy photos

bio: which includes
clothing designer
location of photos taken
modeling name
city location
favorite items to wear when you go out
favorite places to find your items
favorite bands

e-mail address

mailing address

If there is anymore information you need please do not hesitate to ask. Altho we cannot hand you the copy of the magezine for free this is what we offer you.

Public exposure to modeling agencies
exposure to photographers
exposure to other magezines
exposure to bands needing models for music video's, posters, cd inserts, fliers...ect.

the mag will be for sale for 4.50 each. we are located in kannapolis, NC. and again...if you have any questions feel free to ask. we also take applications for other models as well. so if you have anymore friends who has a face like yours please let me know.

yea...so...i'm awesome and i'm cool as hell. if this is what i end up doing instead of being a rockstar it won't be all bad. because i get to look at pretty girls all day :D anyways...i'm out.
 
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busy busy busy....   
12:08am 01/05/2004
 
music: i'm really hot- missy elliot
found all 5 of my models today...
ruin
synthetic dream
sihkotica
loki
neogeisha

all five girls i found today. i have been working my ass off all day to get things rolling. i have 6 pages for myself to work with. 5 for the girls ( they each get their own page) and 1 for myself for the fashion article. this is stressful. i have to go friday to meet with becca for the page layouts at her place. that iwll be an all night thing. 97 pages in one night wheew! party time. i need packets from everyone
Hello miss,
Enclosed is the information needed to become the model for avada mag. What i need from you is your modeling packet which includes:

5 hard copy photos

bio: which includes
clothing designer
location of photos taken
modeling name
city location
favorite items to wear when you go out
favorite places to find your items
favorite bands

e-mail address

mailing address

If there is anymore information you need please do not hesitate to ask. Altho we cannot hand you the copy of the magezine for free this is what we offer you.

Public exposure to modeling agencies
exposure to photographers
exposure to other magezines
exposure to bands needing models for music video's, posters, cd inserts, fliers...ect.

the mag will be for sale for 4.50 each. we are located in kannapolis, NC. and again...if you have any questions feel free to ask. we also take applications for other models as well. so if you have anymore friends who has a face like yours please let me know.

yea...so...i'm awesome and i'm cool as hell. if this is what i end up doing instead of being a rockstar it won't be all bad. because i get to look at pretty girls all day :D anyways...i'm out.
 
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break me down.....   
07:51pm 29/04/2004
  Stand back keep away
i'm not giving up my soul today
Evil men trying to eat at me
Is there a lesson to be learned
Another night another damn fright
I'm holding on to my head
If they look like dead and act like dead...
Well dead shouldn't walk in my house

Calling my name, begging my brains
Inviting me in, making me one of them
I'd rather tear my heart out

I don't wanna give in
I don't wanna concede
I don't wanna be

Where they wander
I don't wanna submit
To their way of politics
I don't wanna be
Where they wander

Endless pain their domain
Walking through the night
Nekorman finally eat at me
His tainted heart got to me
We are always gonna be

Forever we will be together in our lust
well we walk like dead and smell like dead
We look better than when we met

Calling your name, wanting your brains
Inviting you in, making you one of us
We'd like to tear your heart out

horrorpops-where they wander

thats a good fucking song about nonconformity. i'm bored so i'm going to go take some tests *smiles*



2
PASSIONATE LOVER. You love to love, always looking
for a relationship. You cannot live without it.
Your lover must be passionate and you want
that you and your partner melt into each other.
He/She should not try to take the domination .
You dont want a relationship without passion,
and the sexuality plays a big part. The first
moment you meet him/her is one of the most
important. There has to be something between
you , you cannot explain. From the first moment
on everything must fix. But when this passion
disappears you disappear to. For you it is
better to leave than to see your love
restrained.

PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla


damn...isn't that the truth? fucking quizzes!!!



anime chick
You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,
you are always right at his or her heels! Your
deep social connection with human beings
produces your qualities of genuine caring and
charisma. However, at times you are naive to
the true nature of your loved ones. Remember
that humans' gift of free will does not always
lead them in wise directions. But your essence
of love and friendship represent the other
precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a
strikingly valuable and innocent being who has
a lot to give.(please rate my quiz cuz it took
me for freaking ever to create)


What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


i hate anime but this is true and pretty i like it.



You are DORY!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

YES! DORY IS AWESOME!!!!

DesireLove
Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone
to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't
been in much relationships or you need to work
on how to handle them. You always seem lost in
a daydream about the person you care about
most.

PLEASE RATE


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla

fucking more anime damn.



Crazy
Death by a heart attack during an orgy... and
pretty soon


Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla


if i'm going to die like this then I better make everyone hot? damn....i'm fucking shallow haha.

 
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death is upon is....watch your step   
06:08pm 29/04/2004
 
mood: accomplished
music: marylin manson- tainted love
can't you see your smothering me....
holding too tight...
afraid to lose control...


i got a call from mom lastnight saying amber was in the hospital...she thought she was going to die and didn't want anyone but me. she was crying and junk. made me feel special hehe. so dad came and picked me up and took me to the hospital. she has some throat lyngitis thing...or whatever. has a lot of infection in her throat. i tried to take her tonue ring out but couldn't get it out. the infection could spread to her tongue which would be really bad. but all in all she is alright. she is alive thank god. her pulse was almost triple because of the infection. but the min i walked in the room she started smiling and i made her laugh too hard...her pulse was coming down until i made her laugh too hard haha. damn lele's all fuckin shit up.

so yea.....mary imed me today and wants to take me out to dinner or something this week. wtf?! she's is fookin hot as hell to. but i dunno. i dun think i want a relationship with anyone at the moment it just doesn't appeal to me much anymore. i think i just want someone there like...friends with benefits or something. a relationship causes too much drama and shit. something i don't deal with.

also i'm now talking to two of my x bf's. one is will...the black guy from new yrs. lol it's not ghetto tho. he acts white thank god. i dun deal with that ghetto shit. and i'm also talking to jesse again from the band ZAO. i guess they are doing really well. i haven't seen him since i was about 16 and junk but he sent me a pic of him and the band awhile back ago. he lost a lot of weight but i still think he looks like elvis hehe.

yea...so...i'm bored here at ambers so i'm gonna go. i'm out.
 
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*sighs*   
11:46pm 28/04/2004
 
mood: exhausted
music: thrice
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?



And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?



How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,

Running over the same old ground. How we found the same old fears.

Wish you were here


alright i suppose i should elaborate on myself for the time being seeming how no one knows what is going on with me anymore. i have spent the past few days with jess and jon. which was fun i might say. the most fun i've had in a long time. i like the reward of feeling appreciated for the things i do for people. no drama in the least. i have dealt with ZERO drama. which is good. i don't like it nor do i like the people that cause the drama. if everyone could just take a step back and look at themselves and the way they act when causing such a muck. then i believe you will see the stupidity in all the cause of it. try talking one on one with the person instead of throwing a fit like a 5 yo. no screaming needs to be involved no assumptions before speaking with the person about the certain issue. and stop contradicting your own words. think before you speak. when your pissed off you say shit that you don't mean and end up hurting the other person more and more.

i get along with everyone because i see myself as a good person and a lot of other people see that as well. i have few if no enemies. sometimes i wish people could see their reflection on their actions and words. they might see how stupid things they do and say are.

another subject...
i have females chasing after me left and right and i dun want any of them *strange look* and i'm not exagerating in the least. it's fucking weird dude. when i want someone i have no one and when i dun want anyone i got 10 people chasing after me. wtf is this world coming to? only about 2 of them intrest me. they are really fucking hot. and i'm shallow as hell so the other ones aren't as hot. damn....i like pretty girls.

i mean maybe i won't be alone anymore. maybe i'll slip out of this depression soon? i hope so. i hate the images in my head. i've been drinking a lot lately and smoking myself stupid to dull the images. jess and jon got rid of a lot of them. *sighs* i miss them.

anyways...i'm out.
 
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whoa....   
04:01pm 28/04/2004
 
mood: drunk
interesting weekend i have been having...lets just say i have been liking it much. hmmm...and....my friends are the best. baylee, matt, jon, amber, jess, and i had a hotel party lastnight....it was fun because baylee and matt were there and jon had someone to talk to besides females. we got plastered out of our minds and smoked a few bowls. weeeeeeeee.......yea........fun times. and i could explain more but unfortunately i'm not going too because...it's no one's business but my own. but it was good. *winks n bites my lip* i think someone should get some ass because maybe they wouldn't be such a tight ass about everything and such a prude. but hey...if you want to save it for someone special by all means do. just don't be a cunt in the mean time.

wait...

i forgot what i was talking about. ugh....god my fucking stomach hurts and a few other places we will not talk about.

CARRIE!!! omg....my best friend from middle school and high school called me the other day. awe....she used to beat me up everyday after we got off the bus from school. damn she could hit hard. she is doing really well and a little too pure now for my tastes. i used to think she liked pussy but not anymore....hmmm...but i think it was more of her dominate personality. but it was really nice to catch up with her.

AND MY FUCKING MOM! omg....my mom got her hair cut like mine. i'm like ugh........thats my hair cut. and carrie said she waxed her eyebrows also. i wanna see this shit. my mom is really fucking pretty and she better not have fucked that shit up. i haven't talked to my sister in forever. but mom said she did really good at the tae kwon do state competition. she won i think 2nd place in all the fields or something....fuck i dunno do i look like i do that leg kicking shit? NO!

oh yea....forgot...I'M A FAT ASS! thats why. wow...i love how people treat me. *shrugs* dun care tho. I treat people the same way they treat me from now on.

oh yea....and....cha cha is damn fucking good. *smiles* i'm out.
 
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*GASPS* OH THE teenage drama yrs of a 17 yo QUEEN!   
03:40pm 27/04/2004
  bleh......is there anywhere in my journal where i said i "hated" someone? hmmm.....NO! dun think so. *looks around* maybe if you would open your fucking eyes and not your mouth you might learn something. and if i'm so god damn obsessed and fat and what not....why the fuck do you keep checking up on me?! i dun goto your damn profile anymore on FB to drool and stare at you. WTF?! honey....i'm afraid to say....but i have had plenty of females hotter then you miss. and i plan on getting plenty more as well. because i have what you call......PERSONALITY! something you evidentally lack in. might want to check up on that. oh yea.....and....I DON'T LIE or....LEAD PEOPLE ON.....or.....TREAT PPL LIKE DIRT....or....blah blah blah......i mean come on!!! GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LITTLE GIRLY! i'm fucking 21 yo. i dun have time for this shit. i left it back in grade school. so if you want to staop being immature about this....alright...thats cool. you can't discuss things like an adult...fine. your not worth my time. and blocking me.....hmmmm.....wow....real mature. i dun care tho none the less. i mean if you want to go on being a high schooler....thats fine. i could care less. just one less person i have to please in life.  
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LMAO   
02:26pm 27/04/2004
 
mood: horny
OooOooo i'm a fat bitch who is obsessed. LALALALALALALA! see....this is the point where i have options to things...i could....A.) insult you back.
B.) dun care
C.) dun care
D.) dun care
E.) get you back for being a cunt.....oh yea...i already have. *winks* i'm sure you'll figure it out soon enough.
F.) get drunk
G.) still dun fucking care
H.) be nice and still dun fucking care
I.) figure out why your such a cunt to me....hmm....unsolved mysteries of the world because YOU LIE! and you are what you call TWO FACED! BAHAHAHA! fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you! HA! i dun fucking care. i hope you fucking slit your wrist like an emo wannabe lesbian and get what you want out of life. *inserts more whining about how horrible life is without love boo hoo hoo*

yea...well...atleast i'm fucking real. i tell it like it is. I don't "assume" thing until it has been proven and ya know what?.........IT'S BEEN PROVEN BITCH! MWAHAHAHA! i dun fucking care. bleh....DIE
 
     Post
 
pfft.....dun care.   
12:22am 26/04/2004
  errr...i guess i'm supposed to go on and on and on in this thing and tell everyone what has been going on lately huh? well....i'm not. cuz i dun care. if you wanna know...call me. write me a pretty e-mail. send me a fucking postcard. let me know your thinking of me...then...maybe i might tell you what has been going on lately. but for now...hmmmm....dun wanna tell ya.

pfft....

LMAO...

I'm drunk...i'm stoned...i'm...i'm..i'm....*gasps* I'M A FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL! who would have thought huh? hmmm....i'm out like a fag in drag.
 
     Post
 
|| VooDoo You ||   
04:19pm 23/04/2004
 
mood: hopeful
music: LUXT-genie in a bottle cover
How much do we actually know about our friends? This is
a questionnaire to get to know your friends better

1. what time is it? 4:20pm!!!

2. name as it appears on birth certificate? Lezlie Jean-Ann Longwell (i know i have a long ass name)

3. Nicknames - LeLe, bugga-boo, chubby wubby (wtf?! why am i telling you this!)

4. Candles on your last birthday cake? um...i had 4 birthday cakes so i dunno. but i was 20 last b-day!!!

5. Pets? uncles-one dog and one turtle moms- 2 dogs and 10 cats

6. Hair color? black, purple, brown, blond...who the fuck knows.

7. Piercing? cartiledge, 0 gauges in my ears, nose,4 gauge in my tongue, 10g in my lip, hood, and nipples (but i think my nips grew over i must see soon)

8. eye color? bleh....brown

9. Hometown? chicago, ILL

10. Town you live in now? concord, NC

11. Favorite foods? chinese, mexican, italian....all kinds...BUT I HATE SEAFOOD BLEH!

12. Ever been to Africa ? um...no. they prolly need deodorant over there so no.

13. Been toilet papering? fucking a i have!!! *sniffs* those bastards deserved it along with the ketchup in their locks of their car.

14. love someone so much it made you cry? LMAO! all the fucking time and does anyone care? NO!

15. Been in a car accident? mmmhmmm

16. Croutons or bacon bits? both...

17. Favorite day of the week? friday

18. Favorite restaurant? Di Vinci's....this little italian place in wv. OooOoo good cake.

19. favorite sport to watch? umm....lele dun like sports they are stoooopid.

20. Favorite drink? Dr. pepper

21. favorite ice cream flavor? i dun like ice cream.

22. Disney or Warner bros? um...i dun watch tv that much. but i like disney pixar movies?

23. favorite fast food restaurant? Taco bell mother fucker!!

24. What color is your bedroom Carpet: um...beighish/whitish/bluish fuck i dunno

25. How many times did you fail your drivers test? nope i'm fucking awesome.

26. Before this one, whom did you get your last email
from? errr....someone signing my guestbook on my webpage? no one ever emails me.

27. which store would you choose to max out your credit
card? sam ash music store

28. what do you do most often when you are bored? chat, create music, hang out with my best friends, and dance around.

29. Most annoying thing people say to me? i dunno a lot of things annoy me.

30. Your bed time? whenever i'm sleepy never earlier then 4am tho.

31. Who will respond to this quickest? errr....i dunno. i dun care.

32. Who is the person you sent this to that is the least likely to
respond: i didn't send it to anyone why?.....cuz i dun care!

33. Favorite TV shows? um....family guy, futurama, osbournes, fuck i dunno i dun watch tv!!

34. last person you went out to dinner with? bethann

35. Ford or Chevy? my momma told me never to buy a ford unless it was a shelby mustang. and i dunno about chevy cuz i dun really care about cars.

36. what are you listening to right now? LUXT- genie in a bottle

37. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween... so i can scare little children

38. What is your favorite movie? Hedwig and the angry inch, house of 1000 corpses

39. time you finished this e-mail? 4:46pm

40. With how many interruptions? none.. cuz no one talks to me online anymore.
 
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nigga who?!   
04:01am 23/04/2004
 
mood: amused
update......yea.....well.....dun care haha! i dun care. dun care bout nothin anymore. know why? cuz i dun care that i dun care. mmmhmmm...damn right dun care.
actually i do hey...i dun care that i care.
SO!
my ears hurt and are throbbing really bad. i shoved my zero tunnels in. but ti's just my right ear for some reason. hmmm...dunno. dunno....dun care.
anyways..
more insane ramblings.
the gnomes are coming. they are coming to steal my socks. those fucking bastards! those are my socks! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! *beats them off with my belt buckle* *throws cheetos at them*
oh yea...forgot...i'm getting a new car this week.
yup....me...shiney new car. know why? cuz my momma loves me. thats right. she loves ME! and bethann is in cali and she called me today and said she bought me a new skirt. hmmm.....i dun like people buying me stuff but you know what? i dun care. i need new clothes cuz i'm tired of looking like a boy bleh. no boy looking for lele nope nope nope.
my momma so sweet to me. i love her. i miss her too *pouts* i wanna go home.
oh yea...i'm a-sexual now didn't i tell you?! no more vagina...never want dick...nope nothing. know why? cuz i dun care.
people piss me off. i dun like people anymore...i like my momma tho. gee i really miss my momma. i want some potato soup. she makes good soup. and some cheese. cheese would be good.
i wanna cuddle with someone but i forgot i'm a-sexual now. so i can't cuddle with anyone. hmmmm....so if i'm a-sexual what CAN i cuddle with?
*gasps* maybe alan will cuddle with me?! i wanna cuddle with alan he is so lonely. he makes me sad. poor guy.
hmmm...my uncle gets up in 3 hrs...
AMBER has a gf isn't that cute. i can't remember if i told anyone but she has one. i think it's cute.
so yea....bethann...whew...dunno what i'm going to do about her. i feel bad. she told me today she has a crush on me. and i was like.uh........ty? i didn't know wtf to say! i'm not attracted to the girl. but she is super nice and it makes me feel bad.
OMFG MY EAR HURTS! i think someone is wishing death upon me lol. please...if you are. fucking hurry up and kill me already. cuz i dun care.
hmmm....possibility of me killing myself.....ZERO
possibility of someone else killing me.....40%
possibility of females killing me ......60%
hmmm.....yea...i'm pretty fucked lmao.
i'm just sitting here talking bout.......NOTHING! awesome...see....this is how awesome my life is. ppfttt.....fuck you....fuck you.....your cool.....fuck you.....i'm OUT! DO YOU HEAR ME LOUD AND QUEER?!
 
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doom doom doom   
11:54pm 22/04/2004
 
mood: content
music: brand new love-deadsy
eh. nothing interesting happened today.
wish something would happen tho.
oh wait...yea...something did happen...ashley got pissed off at me for no reason huh....who would have thought. yea...so..she thought i was being a bitch about soething earlier which i wasn't. that is why i hate tlaking online people. you can't tell people's reactions from words on a screen!! gah....wtf?! i do everything possible to help that girl out...i talk to people to try and get her photos out to them. possibly get her in some magazines...and what thanx do i get? not a fucking thing! i've tried being nice i swear i have. i'm not mean. but ya know what...i dun fucking care anymore. she wants to treat me like shit fucking go for it.
i dun care anymore. and me saying i don't care doesn't mean i don't care about ashley. it just means that i'm not taking anymore of her shit. it also means...that your on your own for your little modeling thing. because...i'm not wasting my time for someone who doesn't appreciate it. THANK YOU!
good day!
 
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bam....   
10:40pm 21/04/2004
 
mood: high
music: HIM
yea...nothing happened today but me being online.
went to play pool with mandy, skott and amber.
came home.
ate a steak taco
and now i'm back online.
yea...my life rocks.
go me.
eh......whatever.
 
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Long time to speak......   
01:37pm 21/04/2004
 
mood: thirsty
music: HIM- six six six girl
It's been awhile since i've updated this thing. I suppose you can say it has been on purpose. I've been distancing myself for awhile. Been hanging out with friends that i haven't seen in awhile. for instance: amber, david. shannon, mandy, skott and bethann. I'm even making new friends in the process. I've been depressed that is for sure. but it doesn't phase me much. a vast majority of my day was spent laying in my bed avoiding the sunlight creeping in thru the blinds. I didn't want to get up to face well.....nothing. the realization that my life fucking sucks. but then i eventually step out of my darkened room. Mandy or amber or someone will call and want to hang out with me. which is good because i've missed mandy. ever since skott decided to move here with her they are always together. skott is a nice guy tho. treats her well.
amber even has a new gf. thanx to me of coarse. i swear i dun understand them two. amber is a virgin who wants the shit banged out of her and her girl is a little sex machine who wants to bang the shit out of anything that moves. so...........whats the problem here people? go ahead and bang i'm sure you'll like it amber! i know you will! my little phone sex operator *wink wink *nudge nudge*
yea...so...mandy is making me do something today but i can't fuckin remember what. she called me when i was still in bed. all i remember is "get up i'll be there after 3 or 4" her and skott came over lastnight too. OMG! i was so fucked up. we smoked TWO big ass blunts. damn. i was fucked. but i think i'm going to slow down on some smoking. i mean i haven't been smoking a whole lot at all, i just don't want to become a druggie again. especially in this point of my life where i would probably end up depending on it.
relationship status: dunno....dun really give a damn. but ....some hot chick asked me out for a drink lastnight and then to go back to her place and hang out. hmmm...um...no. it was a good self esteem booster for about 5 mins but then i was like.."no". know why kiddies? because thats just dirty. i didn't even know this chick i'm NOT about to get trashed with her then go home with her. you guys think i'm s tupid or something? LMAO! no...i'm picky bout my vagina. maybe some of you should be too. *cough cough*tony*cough cough*

alright well i'm bored with all this typing crap. oh yea...and alan....awe...poor guy. he thinks i'm mad at him because i haven't been at my pc to respond to his im's. no no no alan. i'm not mad at you. i've just been secluding myself from the pc for awhile. nothing against you. so stop worrying!! gezz boys are like babies. lol.
 
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addictions....   
06:15pm 18/04/2004
 
mood: amused
music: manson- beautiful people
you were sweet like the candy caked on my teeth.
your painful pulse throbbing on the inside of me.
i inhale your coated sugar of goodness.
only to awaken under the lights of bitterness.
throw yourself in the freezer and let the coldness throb at your skin.
i refuse to let you eat away at my undying sin.

taunt me with the pretty colors painted upon your skin.
make me believe you won't hurt me again.
tease me with your phrases of love and passion.
let it soak in maybe your true colors will be revealed.

sit there on my glass table tops.
while i crush you into nothing but dust.
i stick out my tongue to let you disolve.
but you're no longer candy but acid in a little ball.

i lean my head back to let it slide down,
looking around to see if anyone is around.
i hoped you would be standing there to hold my hand.
to take it all away, no more never never land.

reality has kicked in more times then a few.
you're my reality, my undying truth.
you won't be there to catch me when i fall.
i'm nothing to you, not even at all.

don't sit there and bring down my high!!
you built me up to see behind your eyes.
but there is nothing there to see anymore.
only thing left is your cold world.

i'm sorry you were my addiction.
i thought you would take me away from the lies.
but the truth is between you and i.
i'm not going to sit here and let myself die.

InSaNiTy

yea...so...i'm on my way to hang out with danielle. maybe.
yea...so...ashley has been cold towards me. wonder if she is still going to work on the webpage and work for the band if not. then i guess i'll have to find someone else. *shrugs* would rather have her work with us. she is a very pretty girl. but hey...it's her decision. that and i offered to help her out by sending in some photos of her for modeling and junk to GB and avada mag. pfft. o'well it's upto her. if she chooses to have nothing to do with me then thats her decision. but yea...i'm going out now.
 
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