Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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12:46 pm - I have a day to go
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you know its times like these i relize how fucking scared i am to be in love i mean its the worsest feeling everi have to say its like a feeling in the pit of my stomic that makes me feel so alone its crazy right that love makes me sick to my stomic you know i think it might be nervers but its worth it or is it really i ask myself that question ever fucking day is this worth is is the pain the sorrow the space is it all worth it and i think to myself sometimes its not and then i'm like what the fuck are you thinking that for all of this is worth it say this trip goes horrible well at least you had today at least i had the last two months you know i mean everything is relitive and i LOVE Taylor more then i ever loved anyone i called Nick the other day and just listened too him say hello for a min and all i could think about was taylor how fucked up is that i mean i use to never know what was going on in my head i finally have some clearty you know i know what is going on and its LOVE i think and the reason thats in captal letters is because it desverse to be i have everything plan he sayd to me everything for every day your here that is great must guys wouldn't give two shits but my boyfriends is the sweetest guy though he never let his friends know that or anyone really i don't get that but i do i mean he doesn't want people to know what a sweet guy with such emotions running deep inside of him it would make him seem WEAK i hate that word i know that LOVE and WEAK go together though because i wasn't a weak person till i fell in love i know soon i will make it or break it and i hope i make it i can't do this i say to myself slently in my head and i just wish i knew why i say that to myself all the time becvause i know i can do it that my booyfriend is more important to me that a monent of pain that his love will last me a life time and that i can't life with the regert of not seeing him but hey who knows what will happen a day is a long time may be it will be the day that breaks me or the day that changes everything i wish i could express what i feel in words but i can't its like everything and nothing at the same time its like the world is spinning beneth me and the and i am floating above everyone i know would have given up by now may be i should i secretly think to myself when i am laying in my bed wait for his call and then i know that those secret thoughts aren't really secert because i such a fucking bitch sometimes you know i am rude and hurtful confusing you know i am everything and nothing all rolled up into one i can't live with out him i want to run from him its like are souls are intertwined like are bodys just fit he says i am Beautiful we will see if he can llok me in the eyes and say the same I LOVE YOU TAYLOR and i know one day i will be in pain because of it but for know i am in bliss thanks for it hugs and kisses to all my dear friends i have today and tomorrow then i leave to go see my love we will see if he is a pure and it seems or if it just SUCKS pray for me goive me strength luck and hope and if i don't come back its only because i am finally happy
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Monday, October 20th, 2003
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3:15 pm - 4 MORE DAYS
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Hey everyone its only four more days till i leave for cali i can't wait to get to be in my boyfriends arms to see him to touch him not really to smell him because we all know guys don't smell all that great but none of this matters because i love my boyfriend more then life it self i been thinking about things so much lately it's starting to hurt my head its like this let me break it down Taylor is getting to close to me he starting to see the little girl inside and i like it but i hate it to i mean its like everything is real in a way it never has been before like i trust him with all my heart and i know that so stupid but i do its so great i mean its like everything is good right now but nothing really is but i just feel happy for the first time in a while i feel really happy i mean Taylor is everthing i never need and everything i couldn't have and the one person that brought me back to were i belong i belong here in this state of mind you know were i smile just because and i don't think about killing myself every other second and i feel loved and beautiful i know its crazy but its like he sees the bueaty with in me he can see through the crying and the screaming the angry filled tears to me to my heart and the good person thats inside and a lot of people can't because its hard for people you know i hard to understand and even harder to get to know because i have so many walls around me and not many or really any people can see the scared little girl in side of it all you know i mean its hard to say to the whole world that the reason i so mean and quick tempered and bitch and selfish and i get so violte is because i just like a two year old girl lost in a sea of my own pain and fears but you know some how Taylor got though all that he got through the screaming and the caring the mistreatment and i mean he is not with out flaws its just as we go on there gettting harder and harder to see he tries harder then anyone i have ever known to prove he loves me and to take as best care as he knows how of me i me trust me he is no where near perfected you know but in my eyes he is perfection at its best and his voice washes over me like a sea of love it makes me feel so corny and girly and bueatiful and soon his arms will be around me and i will get to look into his eyes and know that every bad thing he has said and every mistake we have made and every time i was a bitch was all worth it because in the end i just going to get to see his eyes and feel his lips and hold his hand and fall asleep in his arms and i know that it will all be ok in four more days i will be the happiest i have ever been and it isn't because of Taylor he might have started the race but i'm the one that has to finsh it im the one thats learned to love me and forgive myself for my mistakes i'm the one that has to get on the plane and i'm the one leaving my comfort zone he might be my reward but he is only the begin to what our love will unfold well i have to get back to work LOVE YOU ALL HUGS AND KISSES
current mood:  excited
current music: none
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Friday, October 17th, 2003
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11:45 am - WOW SO MUCH SHIT TO DO
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I have update this shit in like forever its fun though because i am on it like everynight looking at my friends shit which is like always up dated you know well its only one week away till i go to cali i can't wait and i can in so many ways so taylor all told me the other night how he doesn't want to have sex which is like the biggest worry over my mind you know because like now i know he isn't going to be puting any presure on me you know what i mean i know he isn't a bad guy or even a bad boyfriend anymore he is trying so hard to treat me right and be good its kinda nice he called me high mantince last night well it went like this i was telling him that he should know that i am high mantince and he starts laughing and is like trust me i already know and i was like what the fuck you know becaues i am not high mantince you know i mean may be a little but everyone always is saying i am which is such bullshit i am a really easy going girl as long as things are going my way you know like if there not then i can't be held responcable for what i say and do hello everyone knows i fucking insane its no secert you know i mean i hate being fucked with i hate my friends and family being fucked with i would probably kill someone if they hurt my brother i deffently would kill someone if they hurt my brother i just a easy going person just don't get me angry and everything will be just fine so Taylor told his mom about me last sunday and he told his sister i was coming yesterday she said he was stupid and crazy SHE SO RIGHT he has no idea what being with me for 9 days is like i am insanely annoying when i am with someone for long periods of time its like he is going to want to ripe out his eye balls with a tea spoonbut i need to get all this shit together for my trip you know its going to be great fun i can't want to go see my boyfriend i miss him so much you know i hope everthing goes good you know i want it to be great i want to have everything just right LOL so lets just wait and see what desasters will accure on my trip got to run and do some stuff LOVE YOU ALL kisses and hugs
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11:45 am - WOW SO MUCH SHIT TO DO
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I have update this shit in like forever its fun though because i am on it like everynight looking at my friends shit which is like always up dated you know well its only one week away till i go to cali i can't wait and i can in so many ways so taylor all told me the other night how he doesn't want to have sex which is like the biggest worry over my mind you know because like now i know he isn't going to be puting any presure on me you know what i mean i know he isn't a bad guy or even a bad boyfriend anymore he is trying so hard to treat me right and be good its kinda nice he called me high mantince last night well it went like this i was telling him that he should know that i am high mantince and he starts laughing and is like trust me i already know and i was like what the fuck you know becaues i am not high mantince you know i mean may be a little but everyone always is saying i am which is such bullshit i am a really easy going girl as long as things are going my way you know like if there not then i can't be held responcable for what i say and do hello everyone knows i fucking insane its no secert you know i mean i hate being fucked with i hate my friends and family being fucked with i would probably kill someone if they hurt my brother i deffently would kill someone if they hurt my brother i just a easy going person just don't get me angry and everything will be just fine so Taylor told his mom about me last sunday and he told his sister i was coming yesterday she said he was stupid and crazy SHE SO RIGHT he has no idea what being with me for 9 days is like i am insanely annoying when i am with someone for long periods of time its like he is going to want to ripe out his eye balls with a tea spoonbut i need to get all this shit together for my trip you know its going to be great fun i can't want to go see my boyfriend i miss him so much you know i hope everthing goes good you know i want it to be great i want to have everything just right LOL so lets just wait and see what desasters will accure on my trip got to run and do some stuff LOVE YOU ALL kisses and hugs
current mood:  confused
current music: none
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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3:21 pm - what i was thinking
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I feel like i am going crazy i am so umpset for no reason i want to cry but i can't i want to cut but i can't i want to just run away to another mplace and be someone else for a while see if i can fuck someone else life ump for a while you know i feel like i can't take it anymore but you know i relized something that i don't want to kill my self i don't want to go out like that i am strong then that i'm not some poor pathtic little girl that can't take it i say i am stronger and all this shit but i haven't proofed that to anyone not even myself i mean i don't want to go out like my friends i am better then that and even if i'm not at the least i have to try and be i am going to get my shit together and be the mperson i claim to be because right now i feel so fake i mean i till my friends i am fine when i'm not and i shouldn't need anyone to tell me everything go to be ok when i get a little umpset i should have enough faith in myself to know everything is going to be ok and i know that is going to take time but i know if i try i can do it i really don't want to end ump being another teen suicide or junkie i want to do something with my life besides drinking and cutting and using and shit like that i think i can do more then that i know i am better then that i want to have a life and a future i'm going to try and i know that it might be hard but i have to try i have to do it but right now i am trying to get my little brother to do his home work and its making me crazy but he is finally listening and we started his homework i love my baby brother but anyway he is so smart i know he is going to do so much better then i did in my life i am so proud to be his sister will this is all i am writing right now
current mood: confused
current music: otep
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Monday, September 8th, 2003
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10:37 am - Life Sucks
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Saturday night i got so depressed for no reason i took so many pills and drank so much that i should have gone to get my stomich pomed i still feel sick and its monday my arms are still bleeding i went way crazy for nothing i want it to stop the toughts to stop i fucked my arms up big time worse then i ever have before i don't know why i just lost control and i could take it and then i relized i never had it bu what didn't i have i mean i don't know anymore i try and try and try and still i failed but what should i do i don't want to die i just ant to be heppy and all anyone can tell me is i have to work for it well guess what i have been for a long fucking time but the angry is always there waiting for me to snap waiting to make me go away and fopr its time to be free by the way when my mom found out that i took so many pills she said to my dad maybe tomorrow we will be free from it she didn't even wanna take me to get my stomich pomed she just kept hitting me and hiting me screaming and screaming then she saw my arms which pushed her over the edge i guess then my basturd father came in my room and i screamed or him to get out and he wouldn't then sunday i was like passed out from all the pills and they wouldn't leave me alone i couldn't even hold my head up my stomich kill i couldn't keep my eyes open i couldn't walk and they kept hitting me when i was laying there and it hurt they kept screaming the they draged me up the stairs and that busturd was still screaming at me i could feel it anymore beccause i passed back out its that not wonderful i'm sure non of you care my head is pounding and my body hurts but i am still at school i need to get away for a while i don't know what to do anymore i am going crazy in my own skin my head never leaves me not only in my dreams i am never free its all i want is to be avoid of emotions for a day not even a day just an hour to feel nothing no angry or sadness happy nothing just the emetyness will be abler to get me throug the rest of my like it will make me feel so free and loved just not not feel for an hour it would be bliss god i can't help be wonder what anyone would do if i would stop caring how many of my friends would be fucked my panerts my family if i just stop doin what i do they would have no one to take the blame to clean up there messes to do there dirty work to give them places to say to do bad things so they don't fight with each other but you what would they all do if they saw the truth saw that i help them in so meny ways some of which they don't even notice they would be lost with out me becaue no would take care of there dump ass shit no one would cry for them fight for them and be happy with them they wuld lose something they neever knew they had but i bet they would feel it i want to scream right now byt i can't be i am in a libary so just for infos purpuse you all couldn't taake this world with out me cause you have to many mess i clean up and to many of you need me to talk care of them so good luck with out me
current mood:  depressed
current music: Otep
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
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8:43 pm - Life's weird
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sense the last time i wrote in my journal not a lot has changed i mean life still sucks guys are still assholes music is still great i still missing my ex and my parents still hate me well a little has change i kinda became a bitch i mean i'm totally using this guy to make me feel better about myself but its not working and now i'm afraid to hurt him he means so much to me but as nothing more then a friend i wish i could see him as more but i just can't you know sometimes you can just love someone but not be in love you know but sometimes i wonder if i try hard enough will i fall in love with him you know learn to love him i mean he is everything you could want smart sweet funny he just great you know but there is nothing sexual its more like he is my brother or just a girl idk but he is always there for me and maybe i can learn to love him this all is so retarded i mean there real things i should be worrying about like how to get back into high school so i can graduate
current mood: confused
current music: nothing
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Monday, July 14th, 2003
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12:19 pm - BLAAAHHHH
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I'm really starting to miss my ex byfriend i mean i even started crying over him again last night and i don't know what to do i mean i got days sometimes a week with out missing him or thinking about him but then it just comes over me like a wave in the ocean goes over my board and i start to drown in my own tears i feel so alone with out him its like no one loves me or sees the real me i meann when we were together itn was like finally someone got me understood me and loved me anyway saw me for everything i was and it was ok that i was damaged he loved me anyway but now it's like i am alone with my thoughts and have no one that can understandnwhat i am going throw i try to talk to my friends but they just don't get it there something about my ex that made me think everything was going to be ok and now that i kno i will never see him or have him hold me again its like will i ever be whole again i know this seems stupid but i love him more then i ever loved anyone he was the first boy i ever trusted and let know the real me and its almost as if with out him i a just not ok like i need him to look at me and tell me i am bueatifull and that he loves me and everything will be ok even when i am knee high in tears and i loojk like shit he still made me feel like i was bueatiful i know its stupid but its the way i feel on the inside and thats so hard for me to change and a big part of me doesn't want to change that GOD what is wrong with me
current mood:  blah
current music: only the sounds of my tears
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12:19 pm - BLAAAHHHH
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I'm really starting to miss my ex byfriend i mean i even started crying over him again last night and i don't know what to do i mean i got days sometimes a week with out missing him or thinking about him but then it just comes over me like a wave in the ocean goes over my board and i start to drown in my own tears i feel so alone with out him its like no one loves me or sees the real me i meann when we were together itn was like finally someone got me understood me and loved me anyway saw me for everything i was and it was ok that i was damaged he loved me anyway but now it's like i am alone with my thoughts and have no one that can understandnwhat i am going throw i try to talk to my friends but they just don't get it there something about my ex that made me think everything was going to be ok and now that i kno i will never see him or have him hold me again its like will i ever be whole again i know this seems stupid but i love him more then i ever loved anyone he was the first boy i ever trusted and let know the real me and its almost as if with out him i a just not ok like i need him to look at me and tell me i am bueatifull and that he loves me and everything will be ok even when i am knee high in tears and i loojk like shit he still made me feel like i was bueatiful i know its stupid but its the way i feel on the inside and thats so hard for me to change and a big part of me doesn't want to change that GOD what is wrong with me
current mood: blah
current music: only the sounds of my tears
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
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11:41 am - Suicidal
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Last night I got so depressed I desied to take over 1000 mg of sriqual after taking all the pills i took my little brother out fot ice cream he as out of conrol picking like ten ice sceems and all this oher shit but then on the way back to our house we were talking about what a little pig he was being and i s tart to vomit my head was spining and my stomic hurt so bad it flet lke being stab over and over again a billion times. so whne i got home icouldn't make it up the starts to my room so i just liad on my coach with my head pounding and my stomic hurting i didn't think things could get any worse but at 8:30 my parters kept shaking me awake i coulnd't keep my house open i couldn't even wolk yet they wanted me to go to my class i thought there were fucking joking but i was wrong so final was able to gather enough engry to move and my dad kept coming in my room to bother me it was so fucking annoing my mom was being fucking annoying to you know i still can't fell my legs and my head hurts but all and all i think i just might pass out again
current mood: depressed
current music: none
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Monday, July 7th, 2003
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10:15 am - We are all going to die
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We are all going to die some day just some sooner then then others at night when i lay in my bed and look out my window i wonder when i'm going to die and i hope its sooner then later my life is nothing but a big mistake one after the other i have nothing but self pitty and the fact that i can make boys cry to get me up everyday but durning the day there is nothing stoping em form wish i was back in bed alone trying to think that if i move the day will be better and not just an endless nightmare i can't seem to wake up from and even when it's seems to be getting better it's really not it is nothing but i a lie and i am the liar because i try to tell myself things will get better when i know they won't and when i get think they won't i start thinking of reason to die i seem my ex boyfriend we use to take about shit like this about suicide and how our lives where meaningless which isn't true all the time but it feels true i wish that i cold turn back time and still be with him he understood the nothingness i am becoming because the nothingness is taking over and the only thing i have lefted is my thoughts and if only i could make them happy thoughts i would be so fucking depressed but i guess its the same for everyone not just me but sometimes i wonder what it be like if everyone was unhappy would that make me me happy i don't know i'm going on and on about nothing and i have to get one of my classes before my professer kills me
current mood:  blank
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