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[07 Aug 2004|03:38am]
[ music | bengibbard__complicated ]

these books lie and these sweaters wont keep me warm.

dont try to make things better by whispering promises.

dont try to make it seem like you can be here with me now.

palm to palm and face to face. I'll breath you in and breathe you out.

long distances cut short in four endless hours.

____________

these promises like static, dont pretend that you can be here.
palm to palm, face to face. breathe me in and breathe us out.
long distances cut short...endless lines of conversation cut out.
replaced by painted memories and transparent thoughts
of you breathing on my shoulder.
I always thought that sweaters would be the only thing I needed to keep warm.

that's draft one and two. it still needs work.

it's difficult to compose my thoughts when my head is such a mess. s'all his fault.

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taking back bloody sunday [26 May 2004|11:43pm]
can you pull it close and grip it tighter? can you gather the strength for one last time? your weakness has proved to be your strength, when the strength that you have left is dedicated to filling your lungs. or would you rather fill the gap between your wrist and elbow with decorations of plasma, dedications to past lovers and lost friends. tributes and sacrifices. your alter of shame. the destruction of your ego slowly spreads out its tale, like the veins in your arm. the blood that runs in your veins does not run for them. you run from them, you run to them, you run to it, when the day has worn you down. and when youve wound down and your strings about to break, as you fall to the floor in a pool of self empathy, can you be sure we'll be here to wash your hands, and make you clean? your safety net is weariing thin, the concrete looks all too appetizing. and as the wind whips through your hair and clouds your vision with black, see through the darkness, see through the lies you tell yourself. converge the feelings which you once held, remember the promises you made yourself. know the person you once could be, remember when your blood belonged to only you. hold on to it as you grip your plastic coated vice. bite your lip and feel the rain pour down from your eyes, wash away the paint, and start anew. take back what is yours and be the fucking champion I know you can be.
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never will we promise [26 May 2004|11:34pm]
as the crimson sky paints your face shades of red I'll sing you a song of praise. your eyes see what the mirror does not, my soul, which does not exist in me. I live within you and your very being. your breathing controls my heartbeat, your heatbeat controls my reflexes. pump, surge, twist, shake. I quiver, oh i quiver, can you feel me...about to break? the vibrations from your voice softly reach my ear, your breath hot on my lips. what more can you do to me, what less could i say? the synchronized motions are somehow out of time. this romance is an anachronism for this day. I want not what I cant have, but what i shouldnt. but perservere oh my darling, and never. never will we promise not to dream.
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this guardrail is all that holds me back [22 Apr 2004|09:22pm]
[ music | fuckonthebeach_dontservice ]

I'd sit on the ledges of bridges and walls
to see how long I could
stand it
I'd drive my car into smalls, over ridges
to feel the sensation come back
bit by bit.
and the sun will still set in the western sky
and I'll still think of you without asking why
we can forget our name
and never speak of this again
forever and ever, this will always be
the same
a repitition, a competition.
that I can never win.

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a story of fall [12 Apr 2004|08:20pm]
[ mood | stuff ]

the trees are talking about us. the leaves are scarlet. we're chiseled in with years of heartbreak and teenage sex. destruction of private property. rusty pocket knifes cold against pure flesh. breaking the skin and scarring over for the first time. the marks and notches left over time, the chemical spilt into the roots, weathering the weather, the storms and the sunburst. pleasure bleeds passion and the seed falls.

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such a fashionable way to kick the bucket [12 Apr 2004|08:19pm]
stop bleeding and start breathing. open your eyes and look what you've become. a murderer at best a coward at worst. why dont you pick up that rusty metal one more time and slyly grin as you taunt the world. there won't be any stopping only starting. to care about the things which matter and not the things which you can't control. love is something we dare not speak of. love of the blade. love of the pain. love of the breaking and bowing as the wind blows. love not what you hate. love not this bloody state. love not.

------
sorry if it sounds weird, it's a work in progress, so to speak.
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the politics of ex lovers [11 Apr 2004|09:33pm]
the demise of a romance with so much potential. the trivial thoughts that occurred suddenly become paramount. we all are self centered, we care not for the feeling of others. intentions are always cruel, blood always runs cold when hearts they burn with hate. the cut throat politics of ex lovers. the speeches we present to win over mutual friends. campaigning to get the throne. the king and queen of faking it. the royal liars. let's see the blood line quagulate through this.
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[29 Mar 2004|12:08am]
[ music | halo-benders __ freedom ride ]

I've come to realize that I make little to no sense whatsoever.

maybe I could fix that. or maybe I could go have a picnic somewhere with some scene kids.

can you see it? it would be a fucking riot.

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[17 Mar 2004|10:37pm]
forgetting words and slurring dreams, the importance of perfection is lessened. when I'm near you I forget what I want. my ideals turn into my bare minimums, my standards drop below your waist. the only connection that's made is your flesh to mine. the mandatory requirement is "turn off your mind." let your hands feel your way to the road that leads to your happiness. take no prisoners, kill all thought, careful, careful, don't get caught. and if you do, just turn your back and bind yourself to forward motion. take your useless emotion, because I've got all I need.

------
caught in between. I'm going forward but pulling back. I can't read your signals, do I even look Japanese? you say so much and I mean so little, but I could only hope. that someday I can be the thing that you are searching for. it could be my ego speaking, but I think we'd be perfect. with your skillful linguistics and my veiled treachery we'll romantically endanger the scene. ultimatum presented on a stained silver platter. if you promise to hold my hand I'll hold my breath and be your asphyxiating indie rock prom queen.

-------------

and a short splash from our dear mr. oberst.
"on a string I was held. the way that I move, can you tell? my actions are orchestrated from above. so i swing and i sway. wave my hand. kick my leg. and it is always right with the music.
"until all that swaying starts to make you sick."
for a song I was bought. now i lie when i talk with a careful eye on the cue card. onto a stage, i was pushed, with my sorrow well rehearsed. so give me all your pity and your money, now.
"we use to think that sounds was something pure."
if i could act like this was my real life and not some cage where i've been placed, then, i could tell you the truth like i used to and not be afraid of sounding fake. now all that anyone is listening for are the mistakes.
in a house, by myself, i hear the ice start to melt and watch the rooftops weep for the sunlight. and i know what must change. fuck my face. fuck my name. they are brief and false advertisements for a soul i don't have. something true i have lacked and spent my whole life trying to make up for. but i found in a song and in the people i love. they will lift me up out of darkness. now my door stands open. i am inviting everyone in. we will drink. we will laugh until the morning comes. that is what we are going to do.
" ___bright eyes
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[08 Mar 2004|06:12pm]
anything that I've ever attempted in my life ends in me lying face down on the floor desperately trying to drown in my own tears.

nothing ever works.

I honestly am in shock, and that in itself surprises me. why should I be surprised? it's not like it hasnt happened countless times before. I honestly thought that when he said "I'll never ditch you" he meant it. the way he held me seemed so honest.

but honestly, aren't I the most gullible person ever?

I never knew what it was like to hurt until I met him.

I bet he'd enjoy watching me muffling my cries to the sound of his voice, desperately slashing away at my life.

wrist check?

all clear.
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this one's for you. [08 Mar 2004|05:38pm]
[ music | maybeifwerun__ "beaten path to failure" ]

it's all over now, I've fallen at your knees.
this little girl is ready to please
you in any way that you could ever imagine
imagine your hands around my neck
choking out all the life that was left
in me, all the life that could have been yours.
and to take the punishment for your sins,
well I'd do that without a thought.
there isn't a thing I wouldnt kill
for you baby.
there isn't anything that wouldnt thrill
me more than to feel you inside of me.
the taste of dirt is in my mouth,
I grind my teeth in rythms with
your heart.

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automated love [27 Feb 2004|05:16pm]
contort my feelings to fit your mood
we can pretend like i dont care
emotion is overrated lets live
life as robots
gears and switches
romance without glitches
programmed responses, automated commands
push my buttons pull your lever
system crash, alert! alert!
code red in five four three two
one mass of arms and legs and
thoughts alone now in your car
we couldnt get much closer but youve never
been so far
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the scar that I can't see [22 Feb 2004|05:33pm]
could I, forget the things that meant so much to me
to move forward I moved backward I moved faster I fell harder
I screamed your name as he turned away
I pressed my palms to my eyes.
go away
just fucking go away.
why is it the only one I remember is you
your fingerprints are tattoed on my sides
and the words whispered are now my poison
so with this kiss, I thee kill
and with this bottle, I will erase
just for now, the thought of you.
the questions that will never be relieved
things that could have been
if I had been, who I am now.
built up on air
when you get so high in the atmosphere
so close to the warmth
to being happy
you can't last, you have to
explode. the feelings disperse
I can't find them at all.
they were invisible anyway, so how do I know
if they even exhisted at all?
pretend for a while that I was yours and you were mine.
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you are the hydrochloric acid in my eyes. [22 Feb 2004|02:14am]
unfortunately, you are the reason that I am here. you are the reason that my lungs still fill with air. it's not involuntary now, Im forcing my heart to keep going. the blood that runs down my leg runs for you my dear. you can stop me because you start me. you get me going. but I have no idea what is going on. at all. ever because you blindfold me and kiss me but I dont know if its you, or just one of your excuses or sorry attempts at an apology whose saliva is setting on my lips. you lie, and I lie here taking it all in, collecting memories for future fantasies and recollections. so I can say "hey, remember that time...?" and you can nod your head and we will set back into our comfortably awkward silence that I do so love.

---------------
two in a row? I think so.
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television broadcasting system [22 Feb 2004|02:11am]
fingers grasp thin strands of hair and eyes discover painted glass. image beheld, questions mount. the box in the blue room tells me what to believe. the box in the blue room it would never decieve, someone like me. reflection does not match, the seams are not aligned. fix! fix! fix! vomit your mistakes into this porcelin chalice and we will start anew. baptize yourself in this crimson wine that spills from your sins. blasphemy! no! you took the name of the box in vain, now plastics are required to augment your horrible ways. no emotion, no fear, no sin, no pain. nothing. holy in the ways of the immortal box. the blood now flows from the sockets. but why! the end will come, but not soon enough. smash the box and spill the insides that you dont have. replace them with cotton and hope for the best. your pain is bled your rage is felt. stop. live. die. feel.

---------------------
that wasn't too cliche, was it?
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hooray for the ever present analogy...or was it the metaphor? [19 Feb 2004|01:59pm]
remember that time that we understood eachother and everything was perfect? the cliches didn't happen for us, our hours were filled with sighs of disgust and desperation and something else that no one quite got. that thing that people have when they're in love. we lost it before we found it, and I misplaced my flashlight, so we're both here in the dark now. I've got some more metaphors if you've got some more chords. we may clash but it could still be beautiful in some way.
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an incomplete thought is most reassuring [19 Feb 2004|01:53pm]
slam the door in my face again please. I love the sound of you leaving. these novelty actions have become a chore. you stopped caring before you started killing. you filled my head with dirty thoughts and my lungs with water. this makes no sense, but neither do you.
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a perfectly honest means of living [17 Feb 2004|11:01pm]
[ music | norma jean>>the human face, divine ]

let's go back to your place and listen to some death cab for cutie. that way the scenesters and the kids will both love us. we'll throw ourselves into seclusion and eat animal friendly foods. I swear to the deity that does not control me that I will adhere to political corectness. we will be arm chair revolutionaries. we will bring the noise. we will die quietly, but not without one last bitter glare. we cannot go to hell, we will not go to heaven. we will roam these halls as ghosts of ideals lost and ideas dreamed but never given the change to be forgotten.


-------
first post, here it goes. comment if you feel the need.

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