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I drive my car to BC [14 July 2004|11:23pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Sublime - The Wrong Way ]

Lamest subject line ever. Sheesh.
Anyways! I did. After a fun-filled day at work (ugh), I went home, ate some yummy foodstuffs, and drove my BEAUTIFUL car to BC to see Tommy. It took me about a half-hour to get there, which is nice. And it was cool because mom was in Hopkington but I could still go to BC!
I LOVE having a car. I may die when Kirsta gets here.
BC was nice. It was funny, I randomly turned into the campus and I see this guy chasing after me in my rearview mirror. I thought he was a security dude or something, or maybe he thought I was someone else, or maybe I ran over his backpack or something. My imagination supplied me with like eighty explainations for such bizarre behavior in the time it took for me to pull over and stop. The guy comes up to my window and -
It was Thomas!
Strange. I didn't recognize him in the slightest. So he got into my BEAUTIFUL car and I parked, and we walked the short short distance to his dorm building. Man, he was housed in sophomore/junior dorms, and they were so large! He and the one other guy in the Fellows program were in a suite set-up intended for 4 people. It was pretty cool, actually. The roommate was absent, so Thomas and I had the place to ourselves, which was nice.
When the roommate and the rest of the Fellows girls (they are ALL girls, grr) knocked on the door, I answered and told them they had the wrong address. They all looked momentarily confused before Tom appeared behind me. Heh. Tom introduced me as his girlfriend, but they must have not been listening, because they asked me if I was his sister or girlfriend. How could they possibly imagine I could be his sister? Hmph, I'm mildly insulted. Except I'm not. They promptly left after hearing that, I guess because they assumed we'd want to make-out or something. Thomas did tell them that we were going out for ice cream, but they really weren't very good at listening.
So we talked briefly with the roommate and went and got tasty ice cream. That was nice. Then we played tag a bit in the parking lot (I am the winner!) and then I drove home.
Ha, I got home in 25 minutes despite shitty visability. Yay me!
Now I will go to bed, as I must get up early tomorrow and go to Dr Kass and then go out with the little Mario and Claire cousins who are in town.
I apologize for the extremely poor writing in this entry, I am the tiredness. Incarnate.
YAAAAAAAAAY sleep.

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My car is The Awesomeness [14 July 2004|12:49pm]
[ mood | overjoyed ]
[ music | The 5,6,7,8s - Woo Hoo ]

I think I might just name it that.
1998 Toyota Corolla, dark blue, greyish tan interior AWESOMENESS.
It's weird to drive it after the Camry, because it's smaller and has weirdly shaped pedals. But I will live. It also smelled like disinfectant, so I went to Wholefoods and got Lavender & Lemon spray stuff and a car diffuser which is currently putting forth more lavender goodness. Mmm, now my car smells nice. I also got a steering wheel cover because I didn't like the feel of mine (yes I am a loser). It is grey and black and rather silly looking, but that's alright. I wanted a hot pink one with matching floor pads, but alas, the car store was not cool enough to carry such products.
Now I must drive MY car to work!!!

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Well, I'm not leaving right this second, so... [14 July 2004|10:39am]
[ mood | good ]
[ music | Sublime - Caress Me Down ]

Last saturday night = Awesome.
Last night = Excellently awesome.
Actually, pretty much the whole last week has been good. Work is fine, even though it causes various parts of my body (namely my lower back and my footies) to ache tremendously. But Alex Merenyi's utter hilariousness makes it worthwhile and I actually enjoy my job most of the time. Mmm chocolate.
And I bought new shoes that should be more comfortable than the crap black heels I've been wearing.
And Thomas came home. He left again for orientation on Sunday, but I did get Thursday, Friday and Saturday night/early morning with him after I got off work. Thursday was good, we were just so happy to see each other. It's a nice feeling to have him hug me and not want to let go.
Friday was also good, once I was fed. Before that I was fairly crabby, but I think he understood that I was just feeling poorly because of hunger and the not wanting him to go away feelings, not because of him or anything he did. Late Friday night and early Saturday morning (I went home at about two) was much better, with nice cuddling and such. Although I fell asleep. I like sleeping with him, but it makes driving home rather difficult.
Saturday night was flatly the best, though. I was mad sleepy after work (he picked me up), so we went to my house so I could change and then just cuddled on the bed for awhile. He kept trying to keep me awake, hee. Silly boy. Then more niceness, then back to his house to hot-tub so that my poor achy feet would feel better. Now that was wonderful.
The night sky was cloudy, but there was diffused moonlight, so we could see perfectly well. The air was warm, which was lovely. And we just kissed. Nothing terribly inappropriate, just enjoying each other's company, and it was so very nice. We didn't talk much - nothing really needed to be said. We were both there, and that was enough.
And when he kissed me, I kept hearing music. It was somewhat strange, but very enjoyable. It was like hearing faint jazz music, with some male singer crooning in the distance. It stopped when our lips seperated, and started again with each kiss. Very nice.
Then last night... Concert! Thomas couldn't come because his parents basically said they would be very angry with him if he skipped out on his Fellows program dinner thingy, so I gave his ticket to Erinberin, who appreciated it. It was her, me, and Ben. Good times. We were 45 minutes late (getting through rush hour traffic and poor weather was an adventure, let me tell you) but Erin drove magnificently, and we got there eventually. We'd missed the first opening act, who I didn't care about, and a little of Puddle of Mudd. I got to see most of my favorite songs performed, so it was fine. 3 Doors Down was great, and Nickelback was enjoyable, if somewhat intoxicated.
The best part were the crazy people we met. I'll write more later - must go get car!

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I GET MY CAR TODAY [14 July 2004|10:22am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | The 5,6,7,8s - Woo Hoo ]

IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES I WILL LEAVE TO GET MY CAR!!

Ohhh yeah, baby.

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I HAVE MY HOUSING ASSIGNMENT!!! [08 July 2004|05:09pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | The Postal Service - Bend to Squares ]

Guess what guess what?!
My roommates is from EGYPT! How cool is that? I'm in a double, so she's my only roommate. I'm so excited! And so nervous, haha. I emailed her (her name is Rachelle) and told her that we were roommates (the packet was postmarked yesterday, so I doubt she's received hers yet), and a little about myself and that I would be more than happy to help her get adjusted to Boston and help naviegate the city. I love helping people, I hope she'll actually need me to take her to Anna's and stuff. Watch, she'll have a summer house or something here and not need me at all! :)
I can't decide if I think she's a native Egyptian or not. Her full name is Rachelle Marie Llontop. I have no idea what nationality her last name is, but her first name and middle name sound French. I'm excited to hear back from her!
And here's the best part...
Guess which dorm I'm in?
TOWER FUCKING COURT!
I'm in Tower Court West! How insanely awesome is that? I'm not in Pomeroy, as unfortunate as that is, I'm in a better building. No veggie dining hall, but the gorgeousness of Tower Court makes up for that. Here, go look at the exterior and the living room. Aren't you just burning with jealousy?
I'm SO excited!

Oh, and the Settlers of Catan people emailed me back and will send me my missing pieces! Yay!
Today is shaping up very nicely, and it can only get better when Thomas gets home!!

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Oh god [08 July 2004|05:01pm]
[ mood | disillusioned ]
[ music | The Postal Service - Nothing Better ]

I thought only Erin still read this journal. Then I checked my hotmail account, and lo and behold, Blurty sent me an email informing me that 'kulgan' had left a message. Damn that boy. I was enjoying myself, feeling all smug and secretive, and he's been reading it all along?
Hmph.
The really bad thing is that my mom was reading over my shoulder. Guess which entry he commented on? That's right, the one about blowjobs. Fabulous. I closed the window as soon as I realized what it was about, and hopefully she didn't see...
In other news... only 3 and a half hours now!!

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The countdown has begun... [07 July 2004|11:11pm]
[ mood | impatient ]
[ music | The Postal Service - Brand New Colony ]

Less than 24 hours to do!
Whee, I'm pathetic. And annoying to boot? I asked Erin today in a rather apologetic way, and she said it was understandable. Now, that doesn't preclude the other adjectives...

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A public service announcement [07 July 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | radically helpful ]
[ music | Postal Service - Bend to Squares ]

The Postal Service is God. Listen to them to save your immortal soul.

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Analysis of 'Nothing Better' by Postal Service [07 July 2004|07:07pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | The Postal Service - Nothing Better ]

'Nothing Better' lyrics )

I find this song to be heart-breaking. He is so in love that he cannot think of any future without her - he wants to marry her! - but she finds the relationship unbearable for some reason and feels she must leave.
Their voices are soft and calm, and there is no apparent hysteria present, so I believe the break-up was a long time in coming. I also think the girl has already told him she will leave him, and while he has resigned himself to the idea to some degree (hence the calm but sad voice in which he sings), he cannot help but try to sway her to return to him. Their break-up can't be about some betrayal, or adulterary, or any other sudden crime of passion, because then there would be stronger language and more emotion in their voices.
The girl is not unsympathetic to him, and her firm conviction that she will leave him is not cruel. She tries to explain to him why she feels she must leave, and asks him with respect to let her go. And the line about his heart not healing if he dwells on her is rather gentle.
He clearly believes it was some behavior of his that made the relationship intolerable to the girl, and I believe this. She either thinks there is more to it than that (hence the revisions and gaps in history) or believes that he is perhaps glossing over the frequency with which he hurt her.
Personally, I think there was some repeatitive flaw in his behavior, some frequent unkindness that eventually made the relationship completely intolerable. Since I just saw Spiderman recently, I'd say it was something like being consistantly unreliable (how's that for an oxymoron?). His absences or forgetfulness would hurt her, and eventually drive her away. Each individual act is not so bad, but a thousand paper cuts will bleed as much as one big gash.
I love the structure of the song, it perfectly reflects the relationship. At first they sing as individuals, not yet together as a couple. Then they sing (very briefly) together. And then they sing against one another (he sings the "Am I right..." line twice while she sings over him with the lines "Don't feed me lies..." and "Your heart won't heal..."). And then, in the end, they sing as seperate individuals again.
I enjoy songs that do that, where the structure of the music itself reflects the content of the song.
Of course, I could be reading too heavily into this song and projecting my ideas onto it, but I honestly believe all that was deliberately and cleverly done. I love that song.
And that is my analysis of 'Nothing Better' !

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Massive Pant Action [07 July 2004|06:46pm]
[ mood | hee, big pants ]
[ music | Muse - Hysteria ]

Yesterday was funness. Mom and Erin and I had Anna's for dinner, and then we went school shopping, and then Erin and I played video games.
At Bed Bath & Beyond, I got an awesomely comfortable lavender comforter (ohh, it's so so soft), and two new sets of sheets (pink and lavender, see a theme?), and a mad comfy feather bed, and a pink boxy thingy to use for toiletries and a pink water bottle and all sorts of things. I have to get more storage stuff and suchlike, but I have bedding done. Yay! My room will be so pretty. I'm leaving all my blue things here, so my color scheme will be pink and light purple, with my black & white photos on the walls to keep it all from getting too sweet. Won't that be just lovely?
I also got a pair of pants at Target. I have been looking and looking and looking for pants I can wear to work, as I am not overly fond of the pair of khakis that I have, but you know how difficult it is for me to find pants. Well, I finally just bought this pair. They're black pinstipes, and veryvoluminious. I think I could store a small child in each of my pant-legs.
Ha. I will have larger pants at work than Alex Merenyi! This is a frightening thought.

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Thomas gets the best presents [07 July 2004|06:43pm]
[ mood | Tomorrow should start now ]
[ music | Muse - Butterflies & Hurricanes ]

I was just looking at my Polgara poster today as I was brushing my hair, and it struck me once again what an awesome present that made. Not only does Thomas manage to find a poster-copy of the cover of my favorite book and decides to get it for me, but he gets it personally signed by the artist for me! I love it. And he gave it to me immediately, instead of keeping it to give to me for my birthday or Christmas or something. I loooove him, he's such a sweetheart.
He sent me a long email today, with a synopsis of all the places he went on his cruise. And, by my count, he got me four little pressies. I wonder what they are? He got them from Brugge in Belgium (chocolate, maybe?), Stockholm, Sweden (a made by Swedes sticker?), St. Petersburg, Russia (I have NO idea what this could be, so I won't bother guessing), and Gdansk, Poland. I know the thing from Poland is amber, because he told me so in an email. I like amber, although I don't own any personally - wait, that's a lie, I have the most adorable amber pin in the shape on an ant with silver legs. Maybe a piece of jewelry?
He's coming home TOMORROW. I had thought he was coming home Friday, which would have been greatly sad, as I am working Friday, but no! He comes home tomorrow night! I found this out when he called me this morning. It was an awesome way to start my day, I must say. I am soooo excited, I just might pop! Eeeee!
Yay! I missed him horribly. I feel kinda silly about it, but there you go. He misses me too, and I love him all the more for it.

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Blatantly ripped from an email to Thomas and revised only slightly because I really am a lazy sonofabitch [06 July 2004|12:13am]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Oasis - Stand By Me ]

I had work today, or a semblance of work, anyway. I priced. And priced. And priced. And - you get the idea. Almost all of my four hours of work were spent sticking little tags on chocolate bars. I didn't price anything BUT chocolate bars. Good God, I didn't realize so many bars could possibly exist in one place. We could feed the entire town of Burlington with the damn things. Sometime you'll have to come visit me at work and I'll show you how much I priced today. It was incredible. I found two damaged bars during my pricing adventures, which was good, because then we got to eat them. Mmm, chocolate. The Macadamia Nut bar is awesome. I also had a Paris crepe during my break, so I am full of chocolate. I can't wait for the store to open!
Now, the real cool thing is, guess who I was working with? That's right, the one and only King of Lindt Chocolate Retail, Alex Merenyi. He's on loan from the other Burlington store, so that was pretty fun. And Erin stopped by to pick up an application. Her life-guarding job ends soon, so she wants to come work with me! Wouldn't that be incredibly fun? I hope she gets hired. I think she will. As it is, I am the only real employee in this store! Haha, aren't I special?
I took Tom's advice and picked up some shoe insoles before work today. I didn't get a full-shoe one, because I didn't have the scissors or the time to tailor them to fit my shoes, so I just got squishy gel heel thingies. They helped a lot, but I definitely need ones for the balls of my feet. I'm not working again until Friday, so I have time to get more insole action. (Now, that just doesn't right at all...)
If you were more clever than me, you'd realize I'm working the day Thomas come home. Isn't that hateful? I really only work weekends, which is just flatly awful. I get off at 10:30, and that means he'll have been home for awhile. I emailed him about it and asked him to stay up for me. I'm not sure until I can wait until Saturday to see him, and I have to start work at 2 pm then anyway.
I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssss him so much, I'm going to die. The closer it gets to the time he come home, the more impatient I get.
So yesterday, I went biking with Erin. We went for 7 1/2 miles - into Arlington - and ate lunch there. We would have biked back, which would have brought our total up, since we could clearly do more than that, but we got picked up and driven home for unrelated and humilating reasons [insert Emily and Erin beating their heads into the wall here]. At lunch, we ordered milk and laughed at we felt like little kids ago. So then of course we had to blow bubbles in our milk. Haha. And then we danced in our seats to the music and had much fun. And then, since it was the Fourth of July, Erin and me and mom and her parents all went to see the Boston fireworks. It was sooo much fun. Erin and I wandered all over the place and were generally silly. And there were these two hot 19-year old guys playing music on coffee cans and stuff. They were really good. A bunch of kids (about 10 years old) were doing a conga line to their music, and then one of the kids, who was pudgy and very white, started doing the belly-flop breakdance move. It was hilarious. I was embarrassed for him. So then some Asian guys, who were near by, had to start actually breakdancing, and they were really good. One guy lifted his entire body up with one arm! Crazy. And they did backflips and stuff, it was awesome. I really like breakdancing. And Asian guys who breakdance. All of their movements are so graceful. I told Erin I was going to date an Asian guy after Thomas, and she said, "What, when you're 70 and he's dead?" Haha. Then we went and talked to the cute drummer a few times and ran around and played with glowsticks and waved at random people, and then watched the fireworks. They were good, as always. I always forget how much I like them. There were two really amazing ones - ones that looked like flowers, with lots of big white petals and then purple and green dots in the center, and ones that looked like gold starfish, and the end of each leg reproduced itself in a smaller form and they just kept going. I suck at describing them, I'm sorry. But they were very pretty.
I put my orange glow-stick in a bottle and raised it up so that Mom and Erin's dad could follow me, and I declared that it was officially the Internationl Symbol for Emily. Hee, I had much fun last night.
Yay for the Fourth of July and time spent with Erin!

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Doot doot doot [06 July 2004|12:05am]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Audioslave - What You Are ]

Waaaaaaaaaaah, I miss Thomas.
In other news, Spiderman 2 was good but stressful!
raisiberry (11:35:29 PM): i teared up after the fire too with "poor soul on the fourth floor didn't make it"
kiliaa (11:36:04 PM): i know! and he looked so sad and guilty about it. but he shouldn't have walked away from the two guys beating up that poor kid
kiliaa (11:36:10 PM): he could have helped out without being spiderman
Because I'm too lazy to actually write about the movie!
Mmm Tobey Maquire. Man, that geeky-cute look is so yummy. But the kisses were torture. It's been 14 days, 11 hours and 44 minutes since my last kiss.
...
Shut up. I am fully aware that I am pathetic. :)

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It really could have been worse [04 July 2004|02:19pm]
[ mood | sure ]
[ music | Muse - Stockholm Syndrome ]


A Buggy Lugged by a Lady Bug
Omigawd! I survived the biggest, wildest quiz on the internet!
I thought it would never end! Now I am posting this Tongue-Twisting result to dare you to take it.
Can you survive it? Take the quiz here

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I miss Thomas [04 July 2004|12:42am]
[ mood | sick as hell ]
[ music | WBCN, baby ]

EDIT: For Erin, who apparently still reads this, which is now only populated with grievances and bored surveys! :)
The list is of movies, with the ones I've seen in bold )

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So it's been awhile... [21 May 2004|03:29pm]
[ mood | argh ]
[ music | Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps ]

After Thomas and I settled down into some sort of stable and relatively static relationship, I lost the need to update. I wanted, before, to record everything so that all these new feelings and sensations wouldn't be lost. I mean, I remember all those things, but it isn't as strong as looking at my entries and seeing the passion in my past words. And now, while new things do occur and my feelings do shift and strengthen, the newness of it all has been replaced with comfortable familarity. This is not a bad thing, it's just different.
We still have our problems, as any relationship does. It feels to me that there is really only one or two actual problems, and the fights are just repeats, drudging up these old fears or misconceptions and battling over them all over again.
Our last fight was awful. I hurt him a lot. Of course, this was because I got hurt a lot, but he didn't mean to...
I don't know. Life just feels thin and stupid these days. Nothing really interesting happens, and there's more stress than there should be. I'm trying to organize all these different stupid family arrangements (European cruise, dinner with Dad, visits with siblings), and it all collapses as soon as I look away. And everything that was supposed to be fun about senior year hasn't happened, and senior skip day was just flatly one of the worst days of the year.
Whatever, it's over. I don't want it to be, I didn't want it to be this way, but what can I do?
I wanted him to call when he got home this afternoon. I thought it'd be soon - see how this assumptions always fall apart? I never want to just say what I think/hope/want because we're never alone and I don't want to say these things in front of his friends.
But I wanted to see him today before dinner with Dad and the kiddies, but he's off somewhere and probably won't be back in time.

Things Emmy must do:


  • Get a job.
  • Figure out if trip is happening (Ihopehopehopeso), and if so, when
  • Figure out some way to see dr.kass next year.
  • Do something about the fact that she's too easily scared/upset/worried/angered/depressed.

    Things Emmy wants to do because she's stupid and thinks they'll somehow make her life feel better:

    • Roadtrip to Montreal with Erin.
    • Some trip - ANY trip - with Thomas. New York? A con?
    • Go on a trip outside US. (I've found a new love for travelling, and it's making my life hell).

      I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE I NO LONGER HAVE THE CHANCE TO DO SO. Stupid stupid stupid.

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh
      Fuck this. I forgot why this stupid thing was so bad for me. Yeah, it helps to write it all out because I often figure out what I really think and feel, but it fails at life (which is something I can't ever say in Thomas's mother's presence again) because I just remember why I was upset before and that just makes me upset now.
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I AM awesome [13 May 2004|12:52pm]
Your Homocidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:A fishing rod
Your Favorite Target:Pedophiles
Your Kill Count:532,064,061
Your Battle Cry:"Mutha fuckaaaaaaas!"
Years You Spend in Jail:26
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:$234,465,471,140,754
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 91%
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!
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I'm boooooredededededed [08 April 2004|04:08pm]
[ mood | duh. ]
[ music | Eve 6 - Bang ]

Waste of Time )

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I'm not entirely sure why things are the way they are [22 March 2004|07:02pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Coldplay - Clocks ]

I just had an emotionally exhausting meeting with Dr. Kass. Afterward, I felt the need to read webcomics and random journals, and now I feel better.
There is something refreshing about crying and then being alone for awhile to get over it.
Anyways, so I think I'll back up and discuss the weekend first. Friday was okay, if a bit lonely and boring. I did get to see Erin, which was nice.
Tommy had promised me Saturday. I didn't initally believe him, and even said as much just afterschool on Friday, and while it turns out that I was right to be skeptical, I wish I'd been wrong.
I woke up Saturday morning and mother dearest was telling me how she and Julia were going to a play the Harvard Classical Club were putting on after Julia's dulcimer lesson. I wanted badly to go, but Thomas had left me a message saying he'd be working on his car in the morning (which was fine, of course). I called his house and spoke to his mother, who said he might be done in time for the 2:30 PM show. Then there was much much confusion about whether there was a 7:30 show or not, and whether mom could drive back to take me to the 2:30 if Thomas was unavailable.
He eventually called, and it was settled that we would go to the 2:30. I was all anxious and irritated by this point, which did not bode well for the next topic of discussion. It turns out he couldn't go to the 7:30 show with me because he had a concert. A concert. I found out relatively quickly that he hadn't known about it prior to Friday night, but that information came too late to be much consolence.
Now, my crushing disappointment and resultant anger at this situation were much discussed by the esteemed Dr. Kass with me. I discovered three main components to my unfortunate reaction:
1. I just really really really wanted a purely fun, free day with Thomas. I think we need it. It isn't exactly that I don't love him anymore or think our relationship is in trouble or anything, but we haven't had time away from his house and Lexington and all the shit contained therein in literally months (since Verve in Greece, I think, and the last one before that was the Nutcracker, and the last one before that was absolutely ages - Six Flags), and I just want it. I want to fall back in love with him. I always realize just how wonderful he is, just how much I appreciate and adore him when we're out together, and I enjoy it so so much. And the more I try to plan such things and get my plans defeated, the more I want it.
2. When I look forward to things, I really look forward to them. I construct a little fantasy in my head, a beautifully perfect day that I want. (First we'll go to the MFA and wander around like we did that one time, and kiss in corners, and feel pretty and cultured, and then we'll go get dinner, and maybe a movie, and ooh, we could maybe stop by Finale for the long belated Valentine's Day dessert, and then home, exhilarated and in love and content...) I then usually enjoy the actual experience even more than it really merits, simply because it is the actualization of that dream. The destruction of the dream, the loss of that experience, is therefore even more upsetting than it really deserves.
3. I know perfectly well that Thomas did not know about the concert in advance (although he could have told me about it on Friday night, but I understand why he simply forgot to do so. He didn't see me or talk to me, after all), and that he didn't mean to plan over the time he'd promised me. It was just in the way it was delivered, the way in which all such pieces of news are delivered. As facts. "I have a concert tonight at 6:15 PM." And no, Emmy, your wishes and hopes and such aren't relevant. I have an obligation, and I must fulfill it. This I completely understand. It's just the crushing irreversability of the decision, the complete disregard of Emmy. Had he presented me with the choice, with the dilemmna... "I don't know what to do Emmy, I know I promised to be with you tonight and I really do want to, but I've just been told I have this concert I didn't know about and they need me to sing, what should I do?" Then I would feel remembered, included. Hell, I would probably even feel good about myself for telling him to cancel our plans and go sing. All that noble self-sacrifice bullshit. I just... I just don't want to be considered somehow less important. I know his obligation to the group for a concert is greater than his obligation to fulfill the vague plans of his girlfriend, who will certainly be able to manage without him in a way in which OOTO cannot, but... It's just the sense in which I want to be involved in that decision. As Dr. Kass said, it's the desire to have a choice. What if I had really needed him? The option wouldn't be there. I didn't really need him, of course, but the lack of choice still stings.
We also talked deeply about my perception of inferiority. As we all know, just about everything centers on intelligence. And not just intelligence, it's cognitive intelligence alone that matters. Why? Oh, it's this little thing called my childhood. It is what my father, and to some lesser degree, my mother, valued above all else, what brought them together. I have to have this, have to feel intelligent and articulate, or I am worthless. Utterly completely absolutely without value. Undeserving of love, education, life. Emotional intelligence doesn't matter, kindness, honesty, trustworthiness - all are worth almost nothing in this strange system of mine.
Now, of course I don't hold others to this same standard. The system is entirely unethical, disregards those traits that I consciously believe to be most important, and applies only to myself.
And it all leads back to -
You guessed it -
Lyle M. Spencer.
I was told as a child that I was brilliant, a genius, capable of great things, going to succeed. I was genetically designed to succeed. And I will never ever be good enough.
While all of the matters we discussed were painful in some way or another, it was good to talk about, good to realize, good to understand.
Ultimately, I hope, this pain now will make it better later.

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Yet more borededness [19 March 2004|03:43pm]
[ mood | sucky ]
[ music | Dresden Dolls - Missed Me ]

This wasted a good ten minutes )

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