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[ useless | i'm not interesting ]

I'm back? [18 September 2006|12:07am]
[ mood | death ]

The Internet is evil.
People suck.

The End!


Put your right hand on the bible... [04 February 2006|02:25pm]
[ mood | existing ]
[ music | New Deal - Talk Show ]

I have a new New Year's Resolution.
Thomas has started a livejournal account (see here), and has pledged to update it once a day.
I am making the same pledge.


Who needs to study? [18 April 2005|06:31pm]
[ mood | scared of greek ]
[ music | Blue October - Razorblade ]

survey time )

1 | ?

Still counts as male... [02 April 2005|11:26pm]
[ mood | perplexed ]
[ music | Rage Against The Machine - Bullet in the Head ]

I was in the non-alternating bathroom, and some person wearing a black sweatshirt, bright green skirt, flipflops and sunglasses was in the stall. I thought she was rather unattractive, but dismissed it and went into the stall when she'd left.
The toilet seat was up.
Male guests still count as male even if they're dressed like girls.


I like music and walking at night... [02 April 2005|10:16pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | Air - Talis ]

But not myself.


You will believe in me / And I will never be ignored. [02 April 2005|02:42pm]
[ mood | procrastinating ]
[ music | Garbage - #1 Crush ]

A slightly original survey )

1 | ?

[10 March 2005|08:45pm]
[ mood | make him come home ]
[ music | Eve 6 - Leech ]

So we talked. For an hour. But most that was arguing about the Odyssey in an attempt to get me to figure out a thesis for my thrice-damned writing paper.
He needs to come home.


I miss Thomas [10 March 2005|12:21pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Blue October - Conversation Via Radio (Do You Ever Wonder) ]

I didn't get to talk to him yesterday, because he called while I was still in tutoring. And I miss him.


Aziraphale [10 March 2005|12:07pm]
[ mood | massively confused ]
[ music | Blue October - Drop ]

So I talk to this Finnish boy, Miikka, fairly frequently. We starting PM-ing on RoA because his signature read "send me a goddamn PM", so I did. He was funny and silly, and we eventually starting talking on IM. He always makes sad faces when I leave, but I'm quite sure he's just being silly, because my company isn't that amusing.

But now I am very confused.

Finnish people are perplexing )

1 | ?

Interpol with Erin [10 March 2005|12:00pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today ]


It was at the Orpheum theatre, which is literally across the street from the Park Street T Station. So of course we walk in the wrong direction with a bitterly cold wind in our faces, but we eventually sorted it out and got there. The Orpheum is a strange place. You can tell that at one point, it was glamorous. Traces of this elegance remain, but it's slightly decrepit now. I suppose it suits the grunge-rock and alternative crowds - there is something terribly poignant about a once-lovely building sliding gracefully into dilapidated ruin.

In any case, we got there and got a pretzel and cokes and chilled. The opening band was terrible, but the music was quiet enough that we could still talk. That was infinitely more fun than watching to a 80s throwback prance around, and was good times.

Interpol came on around nine o'clock, and played a long set. Since the Orpheum is an actual theater rather than a club with a stage, they had pretty lights. Interpol was going for the smoky silhouette look, so the lights were positioned behind them, sending blue and orange and pink light into the audience. They were good live, and from what we could see of them, they were well-dressed. I always appreciate that in a performer.

They did take a very very long time coming back for the obligatory encore, though. I don't approve of that. Tsk tsk.

But anyway, I had lots of fun. Erin and I got to talk a lot, which was good. She did laugh hysterically after I revealed that I was perhaps not as virginal as I was previously, though. I'm still not quite sure why.

1 | ?

Writing Paper [09 March 2005|04:52pm]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | Robbers on High Street - Descender ]

So I got my first writing paper back from Professor Colaizzi. This is the fastest turnaround he's ever had, so I suppose I should be happy, since I have another paper due next Friday. But I got a B- on it. He said that the range was C- to B, so I suppose I'm at the higher end of the spectrum. But still! That's definitely the lowest grade I've gotten on a paper at Wellesley. He gave me the minus for not developing a discussion of the Thetis lines enough - I think my writing itself earned a B.
Blah. Thomas kept calling while I was in my greek tutoring (which was useless), and now he isn't calling and I want to talk to him before I go off to dinner and the Interpol concert with Erin.


Dr Kass just called [08 March 2005|07:14pm]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | Eve6 - Tongue Tied ]

To check up on me and remind me that he does care and hasn't forgotten about me.
He tried previously to talk to my mother, but she never called him back. So he called me and suggested we meet again to discuss the two meetings we had with my mother. I do want to see him again, but it's so difficult to talk about it with my mother, so I postpone and postpone to avoid the stress of trying to talk to my mother. But he said he won't call me again to avoid making me feel like he's pestering me or trying to force me, so I guess it's up to me to do something.

He ended the conversation by saying 'take care, sweetie'.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.


In which I declare a debt [07 March 2005|01:22am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Ambulance LTD - Primitive ]

Greek is the bane of my existence.
And so is missing Thomas. There is no good reason to miss him as much as I do - I wouldn't see him anytime soon even if he were at BC. Being thousands of miles away shouldn't actually affect me this much. But, alas, it does. I miss him terribly, and more annoyingly, I keep getting aroused. That makes me miss him more immediately.
Thomas, if you read this, you owe me.


"the price and style of you added up to be something I could not pay and I say ooh, I want it bad, I, I want, I just can't have" [06 March 2005|11:06pm]
[ mood | desiring ]
[ music | Robbers on High Street - The Price & Style ]

Robbers on High Street was the second of three opening acts for Ambulance LTD, and we ended up buying their CD.

Rachelle and I have been listening to it, and we're in love with this song, which they performed beautifully. It makes me want to have sex.

1 | ?

Greek is for losers [06 March 2005|07:50pm]
[ mood | not wanting to work ]
[ music | Whatever weirdness Rachelle is playing ]

I miss Thomas.
I pout.


Rar [10 October 2004|12:35am]
[ mood | loving ]
[ music | Death Cab For Cutie - Your Bruise ]

I owe Thomas a journal entry, and so now while I am freshly showered and clean and comfortable, I think I will write it.
This last week has been hectic and terrible for both of us, and has had some repercussions in the quality of our relationship. Not terrible, but a sort of drifting apart, so that when we came together, I didn't feel quite comfortable enough to be really affectionate, and he tried, but either felt the same way or was afraid that I was mad at him, so he wasn't very affectionate either. And I just missed him. Even with him next to me, I missed him, because I missed the connection between us, the joy of being together, the comfort and relaxation that comes with trust.
There was one moment when I was watching him sing when it felt like I didn't even recognize him. Who is this boy? Why is he so important to me? And I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter, because all the feelings were still there. No matter how frustrated or angry or disheartened I get, it's still Thomas standing there, and I still love him more than I can say.
We spent most of early time telling each other how bad our weeks had been. And he sounded so unhappy, so lonely, and it just tore me up inside to have this boy I loved so much and yet felt so apart from be unhappy and without me to cheer him up.
This whole experience has had a number of consequences. It makes me both terribly disheartened and yet optimistic. On the one hand, it is really quite unpleasant having him so far away, and having that distance between us when we do finally come together. But despite that, and despite all the things we say to each other when we're upset, the love continues. And if we can make it through this stupid drawn-out way of living, then we should be able to endure anything. This sort of seperation is worse than anything, at least for me.
But we spent a long time just cuddling together at his house last night, and that made it all better. I love him so so so much!


"I never meant to do you harm..." [27 September 2004|03:55pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Coldplay - Trouble ]

There is one thing I must clarify before I can proceed to talking about how sweet and kind Thomas's most recent journal entry is. I do not hate BC, regardless of how often I saw I do. I cannot claim I particularily like BC, as I don't know anyone there, and no one has been particularly friendly. And all I really ever hear from Tom is his horror stories of drunken Bostonians. And the Fellows girls always call to him and call him 'Tommy' and I can't stand that. I am terrified that one of them will steal him away from me, as ridiculous as that fear may be, and even though it is not his fault they call him by that nickname, and there isn't much he can do about it, it still irritates me that someone else is allowed to call him by that nickname. As long as they don't call him Tombly or dearest, I suppose I'll have to live with it. Unfortunately, I am also highy disposed to dislike BC. It has stolen my Tommy away from me and keeps him in a tantalizingly difficult place to get to, where I never get to relax, where there are people who upset and worry my love and never have to face me. It would not surprise me if Thomas disliked Wellesley for the same reasons, and I suppose I would also be hurt by that unfair dislike. I am sorry that I feel that way about BC. It is in no way a personal attack on Thomas, or his choice. It's... it's just me, lashing out at something I can't control or influence.
I am extremely lucky in that Thomas is remarkably understanding about my irrational reaction to his school. I know it hurts him, just as it would hurt me if he insulted Wellesley (to which I am surprisingly devoted), and I hate to do that, I just can't help it. Really, I am bad at controlling myself when I am upset and/or unhappy. He has said, most notably in the journal entry that is the supposed focus of this entry, that he is sorry that I am always stressed when traveling to see him, and that it is so difficult to get to BC. (Accursed Wellesley snobbery). He doesn't need to apologize to me - obviously, seeing him is worth all the stress incured in the travel, but I do appreciate that he understands. And his expressed appreciation of the trouble I go through to see him was really really nice. I have to know that I'm loved and wanted, and he has managed to do that very well, despite his annoyance with me.
It's really not fair. We're both upset when I arrive, and it's hard to get past that. I'm bitter and sarcastic and scathing, and I don't want to be. I want to relax with him. I miss... I miss everything. The weekend before this one, or maybe it was the weekend before that, we had lunch together in one of BC's many dining halls and we just talked and talked. It was so lovely, just to have this conversation with Thomas, face to face, in a relaxed environment, with no one to overhear us. I'd forgotten how important interactions like that are to me. Silly me. Our relationship was built on things like that, you'd think I'd remember how much I love them. And now that such things are so rare, they're even more precious to me. God, I just miss him. No matter how often I see him or how much time I spend with him when I do see him, it's never enough. There are never enough of the moments I want - those nice long conversations, full of seriousness and silly puns and laughter, or those adorably silly moments when Tommy is all cute and vulnerable and wants to be kissed and cuddled. There was a little of the latter yesterday, but not enough. Not nearly enough. I miss him even when I'm with him.
We - or maybe it's just me - spend so much time just getting rid of that anger and stress that once I'm finally capable of really appreciating Tommy's company, it's almost time for me to leave again. The second I do, I miss him even more and I feel badly. And I know he feels the same way - he said as much in his journal entry - and that makes me feel worse. And usually, the prospect of traveling back to Wellesley and the stress of possibly missing the bloody bus destroys that fragile, wonderful mood.
And he really is so wonderful. He wrote an entire paragraph about how he loves to make me smile. I want to smile for him, I want to be happy with him so that he'll be happy.
I know that despite all this, we really are still very good friends and our relationship is solid and secure. But I miss that, I miss having my best friend around to talk with me and play with me. I love him so very much, and one of these days, I will have that boy with me all the time.
I have many things (hopefully more optimistic and happy) to talk about, but now is not the time. I will try my best to write again soon and give my love the journal entry he really wants and deserves.

1 | ?

My life, encapsulated. [27 September 2004|03:21pm]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | Bush - Everything Zen ]

Well, it's been awhile since I've written here, hasn't it?
Let's see. College is... different. Last week I got exceedingly homesick and had a mini-breakdown over the phone with Thomas. I don't miss my house, exactly, but I miss life as it used to be, with high school fully understood and more or less manageable, with Thomas only two minutes away, with everything familiar and safe. College isn't bad, but it has taken a great deal of adjusting. My classes are at strange hours, my meals are at different times, my friends live right near me and are constantly distracting, my homework isn't homework so much as reading and memorization and very little actual work, and I must travel at least a hour to see Thomas.
That has been the worst. I can handle not seeing him for a few days on end - we've had enough separations of a moderate length for me to used to it - but the fact that I can only see him for a few hours, and only once or twice a week is very distressing and difficult for me. I get stressed out traveling to see him, in fear that the day won't go well and it'll be the only time I see him, and then I get upset, and then he gets upset and things just spiral downward from there. It's most unfortunate, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. And we're rarely alone. It's not that I miss the physical activities so much - although I definitely do, particularly right now - but I miss just cuddling with him, and the silly physical games we play, all the teasing and wrestling and tickling. It's interactions like that that often ease tension in the relationship, and I really miss having the freedom and comfort to really play with him. His roommate Will is a constant hindrance, whether or not he's actually physically present.
Everything seems to have moved so fast. Orientation (which was a brutally hot, busy and boring affair) feels like it was positively ages ago, but I've only been here for about four weeks now. My classes plunged me unceremoniously into work work and more work, and that cycle seems to have been in place for months already.
And now, with Thomas so far away and the whole transportation issue so complicated and difficult, I never sleep enough on the weekends to make up for all the sleep I miss during the week. Surekha (my neighbor) is also to blame for that. She's the type of person who gets up at 9:30 or 10:00 every day, regardless, and then comes to wake me up out of boredom. I like her, though. She and I and Rachelle have a very teasing, silly friendship, almost like the ones Rachelle and I had with our sisters. It's good. All that laughter is good for me. I do like my roommate - she's funny and cute and considerate - and Surekha is spontaneous enough to make sure we all relax and have fun.
I'm taking four classes, which doesn't seem like much after all the classes I took at LHS, but it is quite enough. My Greek 101 class is by far the hardest and most time-consuming. The actual concepts are not bad, and certainly similar enough to Latin to be understandable. But all the memorization is tricky. Even once I've technically memorized the forms (as in, I can reproduce them in order), I have a hard time looking at the letters and connecting them with the proper case. Thomas has been his usual unbelievably helpful and supportive self, but it's hard for him to help me, as our classes are learning at different paces and covering the subjects in a different order.
REL 200, my Theories of Religion class, is my most interesting class. There's a fair bit of reading for it, but the hardest part is just understanding these vague and sometimes confusingly expressed concepts. I've decided I don't really like the way theological theorists write. They take far too long and their points are often obscured.
CLCV 318 is, well... why am I taking it? Why take a 300-level seminar class my first semester? Because I can. I asked the professor for permission to take her class, and she granted it, so here I am. It doesn't seem too hard or too taxing, which frightens me. I must be missing something. And I'm unsure of what the professor expects out of me.
CS 110 is just boring. We're covering HTML, which I know already. My professor emailed me and asked to talk to me to make sure I was in the right class. We decided I am - after all, the stuff we'll be covering next is unknown. I fear that my boredom and inattentiveness now will trip me up later when I have to study for my midterm exam. Also, the partner I have for the final project isn't very helpful sometimes. Not bad, just sort of indecisive.
Is there anything else I should cover? I love my campus. It is lovely and it makes me happy.
Fighting with Tommy does not make me happy. We've had several bad times already, the worst being the time we were completely unaffectionate and ended up crying at some godforsaken T stop on the Green/Orange line. But then we made-up and hugged each other and saw a very silly movie and it all turned out okay. It always does, but it's so scary and miserable in the middle and I always think it will never end.
But he loves me and I love him, and that is what matters. He wrote me the absolute sweetest journal entry last night, but that is the subject for another entry.


??? [10 August 2004|03:18pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | Incubus - Warning ]

From Tommy's journal, from a survey he apparently filled out while I was away:
" :x: Number of girls I have kissed? = 2 "
Who the fuck is the other one????


I'm hearing voices [15 July 2004|10:17am]
[ mood | sooooo tired ]
[ music | voices... speaking to people other than me... ]

I think there might be something strange going on nearby. I heard sirens, and now it sounds like voices over a crackly intercom or walkie-talkie system.
It's too early in the morning to be having hallucinations, so I think I will go investigate.


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