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Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

Subject: Road trips Time: 10:53 am. Mood: peaceful.

Wow it has been a while since I have updated this thing.... SO life right now seems good, Things are a little twisted (as usual), nothing is ever simple or normal around me, I have a way complicating things. But that is what makes life fun right? SO I guess today I am going to apply for UNLV, I hope every thing works out so that I can still work at NM and go to school there, it will be hard but I think I can do it. SO tino has been trying to make his come back, to bad for him, I refuse to go there. He was way to imature for me, I didn't notice at the time but that boy through alot of temper tantrums (I hope he doesn't read this, he would be pissed, and through another tantrum-heehee). N-E-Ways, next week is my spring break, I am so happy about that, I took 4 days off from work so that I could chill by the pool and be lazy for once, my new guy who lives in Flagstaff is coming up for easter, His parents have a dope pool so I think we will be chillin there all weekend, drinkin beers and just kick it. I can't wait. Odly enough I have been taking alot of wekend trips to flagstaff.. my girls think that I am crazy- Katy told me that no guy is worth all of that gas I waste, and that there are tons of guys here, but I don't think that the reason I like to drive there is 100% about the guy. I love driving long distance, Especially alone. I get to see the desert(which I love) and just be alone for a change. I am always with people or on the phone with people. When I am driving through the desert I can just be with myself, there is no service on my phone for most of the trip, so I cant be bugged by endless calls. And when I start to get annoyed with myself, I'm in flagstaff. It's nice. I suggest that everyone take a short road trip alone at least once a year, especailly when things get to hectic at home or work or where ever. Well thats all I got- L8

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Subject: Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!! Time: 4:19 pm. Mood: cheerful.

Some times it is good to take a step back from your life and look at things, I did that recently, and discovered that things look pretty good. I am young and "the world is my oyster"- What a corny saying. But it is true. I am so glad I don't have kids or am tied down by a guy. If I wanted I can get up and do anything I want!! I love it. Sometimes we take our freedoms for granted, and while we don't have as many freedoms as we would like to have, we (americans) have more than other people. I am very guilty of being unhappy about the things that I don't have, but I need to look at all of the things I do have!! At age 20, I have a great job (my dream job), a totally awesome family and great friends. I purchased my own car, (which isn't much but it is mine and i am proud that I got it with out the help of my parents). So I think that when shit seems hard just look at all the awesome things you do have and everything that you have accomplished in your life, hopefully it will motivate you to look forward to all the awesome things that are there for you in the future. No matter how bad things may seem the worst thing that can happen to you in life is death. I have been through bad break ups, the death of loved ones, and more but when fucked up things happen like that I just think of all the good times I had. That is why it is extremely important to make every day good and never let petty bullshit hinder a friendship. Tell everyone you love that you love them, and take tons of pictures, when you have a bad day pictures are pieces of good days frozen forever so that you can remember how good things can be. I wanted to write all of this cliche crap in my journal so that anyone who feels like crap can come here and hopefully it will remind them of all the good stuff in there lives, and so when I have a crapy day and i feel like the world is over I can come back and remember that today, I had a great day, and there was a time when I thought that days and weeks like this would never happen to me, but life is full of ups and downs and maybe next week will totally suck, but right now everything is great, and I will try to hold on to this happiness for as long as I can!!!!- L8

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Subject: Great Weekend!!! Time: 10:10 pm. Mood: loved.

SO last friday (afew days ago). My brother and I drove to San Diego. Then on saturday night we went to Tiajana to party. It was so great. I really went to visit my friend Ricky. We went to middle school together, and I had the biggest crush on him back then. Oddly he was totally mean to me in 7th grade and then we ended up liking each other in high school. I haven't really hung out with him since 8th grade but we talk on the phone all the time so I decided to go see him. I am so glad I did. We got to catch up, and gossip about what all of our old friends were up to. He got cuter and he doesn't throw sand in my hair any more like he did when we were 13. I bitched him out about it and he told me he did it because he liked me, and now he makes fun of me every 5 minutes because he likes me, boys are so stupid some times. So I guess we still have a crush on each other, this is like the longest crush in the history of crushes- it's been like 8 or nine years that we have liked each other, and we are both stupid because I know he likes me and he knows I like him but nothing ever happens between us. STRANGE!!! My brother says it's because we both like each other so much that we get scared, I think it's cause I always saw him as the hot popular guy and that he was out of my leauge so I am still worried about that. But whatever it is good to know I'm not the only nerdy person when it comes to the opposite sex, and that he might be just as nervous as me, or maybe he doesn't like me! yah never know!!!

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Subject: The CRUSH!! Time: 11:52 am. Mood: flirty.

Okay so how old am I? The last time I had a crush on a guy was 8th grade, Since then I have had the courage to just talk to what ever guy I thought was hot, especially if I see him ever day. There is this new guy at work, he works down stairs and I work on the second floor. He is totelly hot, but I can't talk to him. It is completely age 12 of me. When Im in the same room as him I just freeze up , I can't even look at him. I feel so immature about it, but he intimidates me, and I am not the kind of girl that is intimidated by a guy. And that is what intruiges me, I want to know about him and find out why I am scared of him, but I am to sacred to say hi. It reminds me of when I was 13 and I had a crush on all the popular guys at school, but I didn't think I was cool enough to talk to them so I would purposly walk by their lockers, even if it was out of my way. Now I find my self going down stairs and pretending to be shopping for customers or jumping at any chance that comes up to run an errand that requires me to go to his department. It is really annoying to be 20 with a crush like this. I thought I got over this kind of thing, and I pride myself for being able to talk to whoever I want and get whatever I want , I feel defeated!! hee heee heee

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Time: 12:35 pm. Mood: bored.

Friday I say all the homies, though our visit was breif it was nice to see them again. I kinda felt tention from a couple people, but I aint sweatin it what ever bullshit they have with me is stupid. So I had a weird valentines day. I went out with my ex John. I didn't have as much fun as I wanted. We played with his dog then say a crapy movie then went to big dogs (i hate that place). Then we went to the drive in and say a good movie but he kept trying to make out with me and it was really annoying!! The worst part was that he smelled like his dog all night and wore a ripped up wife beater, It's valentines day he should at least wear a clean shirt! Especially if he wanted me to kiss him, I mean holy crapy I really do not like dogs and he knows that, why would I want to be close to someone who smelled like a dog? Okay enough stupid female whinning. I think it is soon time to move to Colorado. I have been planning on moving there since my best friend moved there when i was 14 but so many things have come up so I never got a chance. I really miss all of my family and friends out there, and I think as far as religon and being good goes I think it will be good for me, There are alot of good influences out there for me. I know I will miss my friends and family here but I have way more friends out there and it is important for me to get in touch with my religon. I fear that if I stay out here after college I am going to open a strip club and start on a path that i have always feared that i would go down. I mean I love Vegas, but I love it to much, it scares me that I aspire to be a club owner. I love all of the bad stuff that goes on here and I know that it hurts my parents and my family that I want to open something so trashy but I have been blinded by the lights and money that has defined vegas, and for my own relationship with god I think it would be good to get away from it. I may not be rich but I know I wont have a moral conflict or an issue with my parents. Alot of my friends have moved there for that same reason and they are totally happy with the decision and I know I will have so much fun, all they do out there is snowboard and hand out, and go on big group vacations, I kind of need a group like that right now, I'm so bored of vegas.

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Time: 11:39 pm. Mood: annoyed.

So last sunday my girl Kris10 met this tight guy. The next day she was all like "i'm gonna marry him". What she even said that when he was leaving (he lives in texas) they were crying. WHAT I don't get it, I've been talking to his fly friend who also lives in texas, and he's all like "yeah he loves her or some shit" which makes me want to re-think this whole, "love at first sight doesn't happen" thing I'm on. In fact if he comes out here on v-day and they do get married, I will re-think hating guys and love and all that shit. Cause seriously I can't stand guys and relationships. I was walking through work yeaterday and I saw a dozen roses in a vase, It reminded me of v-day and love and I had to keep my self from breaking the mother fucker. I don't know why it pissed me off so bad. And that fuckin guy tino, Damn he's got me fucked up. He thinks he's gonna brush me off like I don't mean anything and not talk to me or see how I'm doing for a month and then come back and expect me not to remember the bull shit pain I went through to get over him? I don't know what he is thinking. OMG he just called me with this, Why the fuck haven't you called me, bull shit. I was like, " i've been busy" and he gave me the tino attitude, the way he gets when he's really pissed. And then he's like " I'm not mad, whatever DUDE, you and angelina do your thang" . DOG WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. Fuck I thought he knew that seeing as he was the one who dumped me! I want to not be his friend but I don't want to deal with all of his bull shit. He plays to many games, " I didn't call you cause I wanted to see if you would call me, and you didn't" Look mother fucker maybe there is a reason I didn't call you! My life doesn't revolve around tino anymore, It revolves around KISHA!!!!!!

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Subject: Hate/Love Time: 11:19 pm. Mood: numb.

Is it possible to love some one you've only known 5 hours? Is it possible to truely Hate some one you only had one conversation with?

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Subject: "one night stand" Time: 11:57 am. Mood: exhausted.

So I know that this will sound really dumb, but I want to speak on it, I think it is stupid that all of my recent journals hve been about boys but lately that has been my life. Last night I met the dopest guy. But he lives in texas. I hate when that happens. He just got back from serving our country in iraq and I think that it is cool that I met him. I have never met some one who just spent a year in iraq. I give him major props for it. Any ways, I hate when you just meet a guy and he's all like, Oh I feel so comfortable around you, and I can't wait to see you again, and he was also like I want to take you home with me. What ever dog. You don't know me, I can be some phsyco chic, you don't know, stop telling me all the bull shit, it's not going to help you get in my pants any quicker. But over all I had tons of fun with him last night and I hope that I can see him again soon. But until then I aint even gonna sweat it, it was like a one night stand type thing and no one should ever take thoughs seriously. THen this morning tino came over, I don't know why! That kid is weird some times, I love him but I don't understand him, DOn't get me wrong I love to see him in the morning before work, it makes the day a little better. But I don't know what he is trying to do. One minute he wants to spend the whole weekend with me and the next he is blowing me off. THen last night I tryed to kick it with him and he was to busy with his friends, but when he found out that there was a party he was all butt hurt that I didn't invite him, Hey I thought he was to busy with his homies to kick it with me, why would I invite him to a party! It's thoughs little trivial things that make me not want to be with him. And then when he came over this morning he left and then called me all pissed that I didn't ask him to stay. Hello is he a girl now, if he wants to leave then he can leave, plus I was late for work, I don't have time to sit and chat with him at 8:45 when I need to be to work at 9. come on now, give me a frekin break. I'm like a guy, if you're gonna do something do it don't play games, just come out and say what you want to say, cause I am not going to sit there and try to figure out what you really want, I don't have time for all of that shit!!!! L8

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Subject: No More Hair Time: 10:21 am. Mood: contemplative.

I cut it off, All of it. The response I have been getting from friends and co-workers is crazy. They think it is awesome. I thought I would look like a boy but I don't. I feel Better about myself. Shrot hair brings more focus to my face and I look older. It is easier to do in the morning and I look "hard-core" with big crazy spikes every where. I love it. Don't let me be concided about it I want ya'll to see it and tell me how you like it, THis is like an experiment for me. On another note, Tino is trying to get back toghether with me, Should I do it? need feed back. But he playing stupid games. The other day he asked me if I had gone on a date and I said no, he then said that had I gone on a date he would be really hurt. The next day we were talking and in the middle of my sentence he cuts me off to say that he is taking some girl on a date. Why would he just come out and say that during a conversation about something totally not that subjsct. My opinion is he is trying to hurt me or want him back. It is not going to work. I have desided not to have a boyfriend for a while and find out who I am and what makes me happy with out having a guy all the time to make me feel like I am happy. When I was with Tino I forgot who I was and what I liked and I started only doing things that tino would want me to do. Life can not be like that I want him to understand that this is the reason that I want to be single, not that I want another guy. And who knows, maybe I will find my (true love) will I am searching for myself, or realize that tino is the one for me or maybe some other guy that has always been there but I have never given a chance to, or I will met Justin Timberlake and he will fall in love with me, you never know what will happen (i kinda like the last one though!) L8

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Subject: No More Hair Time: 10:21 am. Mood: contemplative.

I cut it off, All of it. The response I have been getting from friends and co-workers is crazy. They think it is awesome. I thought I would look like a boy but I don't. I feel Better about myself. Shrot hair brings more focus to my face and I look older. It is easier to do in the morning and I look "hard-core" with big crazy spikes every where. I love it. Don't let me be concided about it I want ya'll to see it and tell me how you like it, THis is like an experiment for me. On another note, Tino is trying to get back toghether with me, Should I do it? need feed back. But he playing stupid games. The other day he asked me if I had gone on a date and I said no, he then said that had I gone on a date he would be really hurt. The next day we were talking and in the middle of my sentence he cuts me off to say that he is taking some girl on a date. Why would he just come out and say that during a conversation about something totally not that subjsct. My opinion is he is trying to hurt me or want him back. It is not going to work. I have desided not to have a boyfriend for a while and find out who I am and what makes me happy with out having a guy all the time to make me feel like I am happy. When I was with Tino I forgot who I was and what I liked and I started only doing things that tino would want me to do. Life can not be like that I want him to understand that this is the reason that I want to be single, not that I want another guy. And who knows, maybe I will find my (true love) will I am searching for myself, or realize that tino is the one for me or maybe some other guy that has always been there but I have never given a chance to, or I will met Justin Timberlake and he will fall in love with me, you never know what will happen (i kinda like the last one though!) L8

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Subject: What the fuck am I thinking??? Time: 1:56 pm. Mood: nervous.

I'm cutting off all of my dreads tonite!!! I am SO scared! Will I be the same me? Will people like me more or less? Will I look like a boy? Will it be prettier? So many questions, we'll see tommarow!!!

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Subject: Crazy head strong boys Time: 9:30 am. Mood: scared.

My last entry I talked about John and Darrin, Today after the storm has stettled I want to bring an update to the drama that kept me up last night. SO I decided that it would be in my best intrest that I just stay home and not get in the middle of a fight that has no meaning. At 12:30am I got a call from John saying that Darrin was a no show. During the conversation Darrin called and the fight was resumed. I quickly got dressed and tryed to make it to the park before they fought, I was to late. When I got there, There was glass all over the ground and no one was at the park so I went home to call John. He did not answer his cell so I called his house. To my dismay Tim answered the phone and informed me that Jhon was on his way to the hospital. John lost. I called Dav (Darrin's friend) and he gave me the Play by Play. He said that darrin only hit John a few times before John raised the white flag in defeat. John had to get stitches in his forhead and jaw (I think). Tim had told me that Darrin used brass Knukles, which was probably not true. Darrin is a trained boxer and john was just trying to wrestle him. John didn't even throw a punch, he just wanted Darrin close enough to pin him, His plan didn't work out. Earlier tino had told me that Darrin would win because he had heart and he was fighting for my "honor" John was fighting for his pride. So much for his pride, He got dropped by some one who was younger than him and smaller than him, I know that hurt him more than the actual hits. Now I sit at work wondering how John is and where Darrin is after all of this. I really wish that none of this had happened and that one of them had just been a real man and backed down. I feel responsible for this whole mess even though I did not do anything to provoke this fight. I didn't cheat on John with Darrin, and I even told him that if me hanging out with Darrin would cause a problem I would cut him out of my life, he told me that it was okay and that I should hang out with Darrin. John made me feel like I chose Darrin over him, but really I didn't want any part in the whole ordeal. In the end I have choosen Darrin, his reason for fighting is that John was using me as the prize. He told Darrin that the winner gets me, as if I have no say in the matter. Darrin didn't like that disrespect and that was why he was fighting. At least when I asked tino not to fight he always backed down for me. John felt he had something to prove, But he lost. Over all, if the prize was me Darrin won, and John just looks like a big asshole and a loser!!!! DON'T FIGHT IT'S NOT WORTH IT! L8

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Subject: I fuckin hate boys Time: 11:39 pm. Mood: aggravated.

SO I was dating this guy for like 2 weeks, but I had this friend(a guy) and last night they fought on the phone. Well I resolved thingd with the guy I was dating (john) and I didn't talk to the other guy (darrin). Today Darrin called and John was at my house, they got in another fight and now they are supposed to met tonight at midnight and fight. John broke up with me because I wouldn't choose sides. I don't want to choose sides, I shouldn't have to. I hate fighting and the reason the are fighting is to prove something to eachother. Why would I go against my friend, he did nothing to me, and now john is being an infinity hella dick to me. I don't know what I did wrong! It's not fair. Why do I have to choose between them, Niether one did any thing to the other to constitute a fight. But now I feel like I did something wrong. This is fucked up. And to make matters worse tino called me today, I am in a big fuckin hole that I can not escape! DId I do something to make john dump me? And tino is pissed that I started seeing some one eles, I thought he was fuckin Crystal. I feel like shit is out of control, I am through with guys, as far as boyfriend/girlfriend is concearned. While I am at it, I've been wanting to post something about one of you guys that read my journal, I'm not going to say names, but if you can figure out who I'm talking about, you're smart... I have had a mad crush on one of you since I met you, but I was with tino so I couldn't act on it, and if you read this and you know who you are write back, If you want we could kick it some time!!- Just a little something for ya'll to ponder. L8

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Subject: I'm bored Time: 10:20 am. Mood: lazy.

I'm at work and I am kind of bored, I was supposed to go visit everyone at practice last saturday, But I went snowboarding that day and I was so sore and tired I had to stay home, I'm still sore, I guess I'm out of shape. I miss all of my friends, You know who you are. I also miss tino, I know that it is better for us not to be together and I am having more fun without him,but I just wish I could talk to him, He hasn't called me and I don't have the balls to call him. I just can't belive we wentout like this, I thought that at least we would always keep in touch. Now I know he is all talk. I should have listened to my friends when they tryed to warn me! Live and Learn. Hey I got this flyer that Gay ass BEN is starting computer classes at Px1, Noone is going to spend 200 bucks on that shit, he is starting to get desperet(can't spell) N-E-ways, I got to go back to work. L8

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Subject: Happy Fucking New Years!! Time: 3:12 pm. Mood: annoyed.

SO I hope everyone had a safe and fun night last night. I for one got way to drunk and puked the night away, I wanted it to be fun for everyone but I guess I ruined it for a few people, I'm sorry! My step sister is in the hospital today because of a car accident last night. The guy she was with rolled his car and now her face is going to be fucked up for life. I didn't hang out with her last night and I was safe with my friends but some how I am in trouble to. I hate when my dad compares me to her, He said I was just like her because I slept at my ex boyfriend's (john, who I am seeing again)house. How can he say that I am like her I was safe, I hate when my brother or step sister get in trouble I catch shit for it and my dad starts bitching at me for past bull shit that he can't seem to drop. Well I want to say I miss everyone (ya'll know who you are) and we should kick it some time. Everyone have a great year, lets make it better than the last! L8

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Subject: The end of an era Time: 10:58 am. Mood: depressed.

So for any noe who doesn't know, Tino and I are no more. He broke up with me on monday night, Damn it sucks but ever time some one breaks my heart it makes me stronger and I learn about myself, and next time I wont make thoughs mistakes. I still don't really understand why he did it. I mean I thought that he loves me and that it was strong enough to fix any thing, I was wrong. I alway read soulrane's journal entries and alot of times the have to do with girls and I feel luck because love is hard to find and tino through it away like it was nothing. Well I will get over it and hopfully one day I will be able to find that guy who is for real and he'll make me happier than tino ever could. But for now the pain is unbearable. I hate emotion. I hate the fact that he could make me the happiest girl in the world and feel like I could fly and then with one simple sentence make me feel like I could kill myself. I never want to give that power to any one again, but I know that I will. Maybe next time the guy will not take something so special for granted, maybe next time it will be real. I wish I was perfect but I'm not I tried so hard to be perfect for him but I did not succeed (I cant spell). But like I said with every scar that is placed on my heart, I grow stronger, Every heart break gets a little easier, so far I've been lucky to have good friends to bring me through this and in time I will be happy again. I feel so stupid, I knew that this was going to happen, He was to young to be in love, But I loved him so much that it made me selfish and blind. Well there goes another one, I'm so fortunate that I was able to be in love so strong maybe I should just let it go and remember the good times. And for everyone looking for that person to love be carful and protect your heart, it is the one part of your body that can be broken with out anyone ever Physiclly touching you and it's the one body part that can not be fixed with casts or medicins, and make sure the person you trust with it will never break it!!!

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Blurty for Kisha. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.