If You are not me, why are you here?'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
If You are not me, why are you here?

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(kick me)

[04 Feb 2003|09:15pm]
Alex,

It seems I can't do much of anything right anymore and I'm sorry. It has come to the point where everytime I open my mouth, something stupid comes out. I don't know what else to do but apologize. I tried helping guide you through your tough times but apparently I've just screwed that up too. Our friendship ir really going down hill. We barely ever see eachother and we don't communicate at all like we used to. I remember when I used to tell you everything that was on my mind and you used to do the same... Now it seems like we've put on a mask of smiles to hide all the tension and depression inside. I don't know what is going to happen to us Alex, we certainly are not the same happy best friends we were last year. So maybe running away to Brian and Long Valley is the best thing to do. I mean... considering everything always seems to work out in your favor. I'm sorry I'm just not good enough for you anymore, I'm sorry I just can't provide a good enough friendship.

Courtney Taylor Ariela Gabriel

(kick me)

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!!!!!! [02 Feb 2003|07:47pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Why do you always assume that I can't feel? That I can't POSSIBLY realize the shit your going through. Well you know what baby? I've been through it too! Whether you like it or not, I have. So get over it. Now don't take any of this offensively, I'm simply telling you that it pisses me off when you say that I don't know. So everyone in long valley thinks your a big slut. WHO CARES!!! YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS!!!! Okay yeah I know they're your friends, but honestly..... have you looked at them lately?!?!?!?!? They do nothing but tease and harass you. What kind of friends are those. You need to realize that they're NOT going to get any better and they're NOT going to change! Forget about them. Moving back will just create more stupid problems you don't need. So shrug of their fucking comments and get on with it. Your life is NOT over if a couple of people don't like you. So screw them and live your life like it's supposed to be.......... HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(1 bruise | kick me)

Break the Cycle [02 Feb 2003|12:10am]
[ mood | dead ]

Conscious sleep, contrived rest
Dagger clutched at my chest
Shadowed room, blood staind night
Body frozen, hands clenched tight.
Pulsating pain, contorted tears
Blade of comfort, inflicting years
Cocophany of silence, defeaning still
Eager moonlight strengthens my will.
Ice cold breath, magnetic eyes
Watch with intrigue, dagger rise
Screams welcome the agony
As it severs repeatedly
One final lunge into my chest
Breaks the cycle, now I rest.

(kick me)

Warped and Twisted [01 Feb 2003|11:55pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Harsh words, violent blows
Hidden secrets no one knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks, so many lies
Too many when's and too many why's
I'm not special, I'm not gifted
I'm just me, warped and twisted

Sleeping awake and choking on a dream
Listen to my silent scream
Call my mind, the number's listed
Lost in someone so warped and twisted

On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped and twisted

Burnt out, wasted, empty and hollow
Today is just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped and twisted

(kick me)

Depression [01 Feb 2003|11:54pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Have you ever felt upset?
But there was no explanation for your pain
And the confusion from your feelings drove you insane
Have you felt happiness?
But believed you didn't deserve it
You believed was was just covering the truth
And it was nothing more than bullshit
Have you ever found it hard to sleep?
Keep thinking about how much you fuck up
And you can't get help cause you feel your problems are too deep
Have you ever felt that everybody was against you?
And just wish one person could understand
That you feel you're not living your full potential as a human
Have you ever felt your life was filled with nothing but bad luck?
Just wishing for one thing to go your way
But this hole is where you're stuck
As you keep questioning yourself why does my life suck
What the fuck?!?
Have you ever felt afraid to face the world?
Assumed it would reject you
And the thought of it made you so nervous
But at the same time made your stomach curl?
Have you ever felt so unaccepted that you wish you could die?
This way the depression is set free
And you're not fed anymore lies?
Just remember everybody battles with life's tests
Be strong and see threw the mess
Cause life is not suppose to be depressing like this

(kick me)

Our Generation [01 Feb 2003|11:40pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

When James' dad died he was only 13
After that the twinkle in his eyes just didn't gleam
He got hooked on drugs and fucked off in school
His mom would find him on the floor in a puddle of drool
All she wanted to do was help, every day she tried
Until the day he found out about suicide
You have the power to make things right
You don't have to take your life
Heaven has turned into one big plantation
Filled with the souls of our generation
Tracy was a girl afraid to go home
Poor little kid, daddy just wouldn't leave her alone
At night in bed she just couldn't sleep
Cause sooner or later she knew daddy would come to take a peek
Every night and day, in her room she cried
Until that dredful day she found out about suicide
You have the power to make things right
You don't have to take your life
Heaven has turned into one big plantation
Filled with the souls of our generation
Matt and Sue had a norml teenage life
Until the day they became husband and wife
Matt started to think that Sue was cheating
Every night he gave her a beating
She would tell her mom,"Everything is alright."
Until she tried suicide that fateful night

(kick me)

Depression [01 Feb 2003|11:40pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Have you ever felt upset?
But there was no explanation for your pain
And the confusion from your feelings drove you insane
Have you felt happiness?
But believed you didn't deserve it
You believed was was just covering the truth
And it was nothing more than bullshit
Have you ever found it hard to sleep?
Keep thinking about how much you fuck up
And you can't get help cause you feel your problems are too deep
Have you ever felt that everybody was against you?
And just wish one person could understand
That you feel you're not living your full potential as a man
Have you ever felt your life was filled with nothing but bad luck?
Just wishing for one thing to go your way
But this hole is where you're stuck
As you keep questioning yourself why does my life suck
What the fuck?!?
Have you ever felt afraid to face the world?
Assumed it would reject you
And the thought of it made you so nervous
But at the same time made your stomach curl?
Have you ever felt so unaccepted that you wish you could die?
This way the depression is set free
And you're not fed anymore lies?
Just remember everybody battles with life's tests
Be strong and see threw the mess
Cause life is not suppose to be depressing like this

(5 bruises | kick me)

I will love you [01 Feb 2003|11:25pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | untouchable ]

I will love you when tha last petel on my rose falls
I will love you even when death calls
I will love you when I have no other friends
I will love you when the sun comes up at night
I will love you when darkness overcomes the light
I'll love you when I know it will never ever be
I'll still love you when you don't love me

(1 bruise | kick me)

For Chris [01 Feb 2003|11:19pm]
[ mood | ashamed ]

I wish i was your angel
But inside all i saw was pain
Life brought complicated choices i could not take
Sometimes it seems i'm falling
Further into myself
Left with a memory that made itself
I meant nothing to you
I had my own damnation
Now i continue to suffer because of my ways
It seems to stretch on
I seem to break
Scars of thoughts continue to take its place
I was the mistake
And was always harmed
Banished by the persons that were to love me
I felt alone
I felt ashamed
I felt it all
But now i feel the same
How could you abuse me
And do the things you did
You compresed my impluse
Made it hard to live
Everything is gone
And i'm just like you
Fuck my tears and all of this
Time is ticking and now i'm gone
The girl that you lost
Because it took too long

(kick me)

[01 Feb 2003|07:14pm]
[ mood | loveless ]

Please come back. We can forget about everything that happened in the past, please, just come back. You don't know how much I need you. You and Alex are the only things that keep me breathing. I dream about the day, the day I am home alone and I hear the bell ring. The day I open the door, and there you are, looking at me with those eyes, my god those eyes. The day you walk in and take me in your arms and just hold me their like you used to. You said I was too young like it didn't matter, like age was never a factor. Nothing could come between us, nothing. And then that day I asked you what was wrong and you pulled me aside. That day you told me you couldn't do it anymore, and you didn't want to hurt me. That day you said it was for the best. That day you told me I was too young. Now my heart skips a beat and I cry uneven tears. Now I can't think straight and I bleed tempered blood. I need you, to bring everything back to the way it was, when age didn't matter, when I loved you... and you loved me back. Please come back. I need you to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay because I am falling apart. I can't hang on for very much longer. But it's not like it matters, because you will never see this. I would never get the nerve to show you either. So what's the use? Well... I have no idea, but for some reason, I keep holding on. And for some reason, I keep praying for that day, although it will probably never come. I really do miss you

(kick me)

Christina Aguilera Dirrrrrrrty! [29 Jan 2003|09:40pm]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | Kiss from a rose ]

Good evening. Today can be best described as interesting... the afternoon I mean. I deffinetely could have done without the tedious 7 hours of school. It didn't bother me that much before but now it's REALLY getting on my nerves. Hallie! Can she be anymore freaking annoying?!?!?!?!? She's so damn clingy and she's always there whenever you turn around. Not to mention she has NO concept of her surroundings what so ever. She tripped over my guitar about 7 million times and she won't stop freaking hanging on me. UGH! Just thinking about her is making me squirm in my chair. Anyway the day got much better when nebby came home with me. It felt good to be home after being harrassed by a (and I quote), "PREP! Abercrombie prep! You and your... your Ja Rule! Your... Christina Aguilera Dirrrrrrrty!" Yes. After this, being home was quite a relief. Me and nebb then proceeded to bathe our filthy skin bodies. MOMENTARY LAPSE- did you know Mike Savino is now the LEAD VOCALIST for Mike Geuffrey's band! Yeah! That's how I reacted too! Anyway............ Back to the pussy! The fat emerged and we were clean. She introduced me to "the Beast". ooooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I have to admit, it was WAY scarier than mine. Yes, this came as a surprise to me too. Well I must go sit in the snow and gaze at the stars until midnight. So adieu adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow.

pleasent something

sesso otsjvqs

(1 bruise | kick me)

untitled [27 Jan 2003|08:55pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Lying here in the frigid cold of my own untimely death.
The street light stares at my page, occassionally allowing me to see my words.
Distant stars offer distant companionship.
Sometimes shooting by, reminding me of such a thing called mystery.
They watch from a solar stadium.
Me, posing as the character they've come to see.
The stars remember that night as I will never forget.
Every word, every smile, every touch will be remembered like it were etched in stone.
That night you made me as cold as I am today.
I pray and try to forget but nothing can thaw stone.
So tonight I will not recieve your kiss.
Instead, I will recieve one thousand others.
Nor tonight will you hold my hand.
It will be held by one thousand others.
I will continue to pray, but until then, I have my stars.
my cold.....

......lonely.......

............distant.........

..................stars..........

(2 bruises | kick me)

......Teenage Euthanasia Turtles...... [26 Jan 2003|10:02pm]
[ mood | I'm so sad, I made angels cry ]
[ music | Saver every moment ]

Well here we are again at the end of another emo weekend. Another putrid seven-day cycle awaits us just around the corner. Not to mention more midterms. This weekend was not at all productive but who cares? It’s not like there was anything else I could have been doing; Nebb was gone and I was alone. I figured it would be paradise but I was horribly wrong. The glorious birth-giver decided to nag me all weekend. Acting like Tenna, she kept saying, “You need to get out more! You need to get out more!” “Get out more? I think not!” I said, “And be exposed to all of the insidious futility? Absolutely not! You must be confusing me with some one who socializes.” She proceeded by throwing a newspaper at me and claimed that I was afraid of people. I am NOT afraid of people... not in the slightest. I merely disapprove with their system of income.

Well this pretty much sums up MY weekend in a pistachio nutshell. Yup. Tune in tomorrow folks for more grotesque and obscene comments on the US govermente. Same black hair, same punk channel. Your host for this evening, Sesso. Goodnight.

(kick me)

......The day of the bowl they call super..... [26 Jan 2003|05:17pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Left-handed lesbian midget albino eskimo ]

someone please shoot me. It's super bowl sunday and that means a house full of people! Yippee!!!! But not just ANY people! Some are inlaws!!!! Others are former boyfriends!!!! Oh joy! And best of all, my parents are making me be "social". But who wants to be...... "social" (shudder)..... when it means "Intended for convivial activities"? NOT ME!

Well anyway, alex has been at church since 9 or 10 this morning and it's now 523. I'm sure she's home, she's just forgotten to call me. As usual. She's always like, "I'll call you, I'll call you. Geez! Stop reminding me!" and yet she never calls. Where would we be without irony folks? In a world with absolutely NO intelegence. WAIT! Too late. *sigh* that's pretty much all I can say for now. I can guarentee I will be back soon. However, I must find more ways of avoiding earth other than being on the computer. Though I must admit, this does help to vent. (small witty smile and giggle)

(kick me)

My Drag [26 Jan 2003|12:23am]
My drag
Its a weight on my back
Im lost in a stack without my drag
My blues
Alone and confused
Im spreading the news about my drag
I could go right along singing songs of love
That happiness brings
If I stop for a while I could smile and be glad
But that crazy feeling back bad
My drag
Its a hound on my track
I just fell through the cracks into my drag

(kick me)

Low Down Man [26 Jan 2003|12:22am]
That low down man of mine
Mistreats me all the time
He sez he loves me only
Then turns around and leaves me sad and lonely
If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see
He would never be
That low down man of mine
That low down man with his low down ways
I know he'll go some day
It wont be long
But from now on
If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see
He would never be
That low down man of mine
If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see
He'd come back to me
That low down man

(kick me)

........The Results of perhaps a mistake........ [25 Jan 2003|11:52pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Evening at LaFittes ]

well, she read it. I wasn't surprised by her answer. I know it wouldn't work out. We're too close of friends. If we did go out, or make it anymore than a friendship and something happened, our friendship might be ruined. And I think neither of us are willing to take that risk. It's just strange.... for her I mean. But I really am attracted to her. I think she's gorgeous despite what she always says. She says she's not a good person to be in a relationship with but it would be different. I know who she really is behind all those flimsy beiefs. What's sad is, everytime I see her I pray it will be the day that she kisses me on the cheek and means it. Very childish I know, but can I help it?

(kick me)

.........The entry that started it all........ [25 Jan 2003|10:32pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | smells like teen spirit ]

*sigh* This is just what I needed, a journal that NO ONE knows about, not even alex. It's so relieving to know that it's in a computer rather than on paper. So it can't get lost, misplaced, forgotten, or worst of all taken by someone else. The only way for someone to come in contact with this is if I am stupid and slip out the name of my journal. (which I would not be surprised if I did). It wouldn't be so big of a problem considering this can be accessed by friends only, and I only have ONE friend........... alex. Wow. How pathetic. *sigh #2* Well, let's shed some light on my feelings shall we? This is an emo end to an emo day of another emo weekend. Yup, that pretty much sums it all up. Oh yes, that and the fact that I realized today, that I have a crush on alex. I sort of knew this, but I guess I was just trying to hide it from myself and "de-nile" is not just a river in egypt. hahaha..... *sigh #3*....... yup....... Well I'm waiting for that call. That one single call that makes the sun come out and everything better. That call from alex. I know it's late and she probably won't call but hey, I can hope. Until later.

me

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