| fat and happy |
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| 09:56pm 17/10/2003 |
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mood:  frustrated music: watching mr. deeds
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well another dissaponting day at play rehrehersal... all everyone does is fuck around... and being a tech is fucking FrustratING!!! we started at 4:15 and we just barely got done at 9:00. so i am not happy... yeah and i just got done eating wendys... wendys burgers KICK ass.... SO im fat and happy (kinda)
... till fat time |
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| the insecurities of nothingness |
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| 11:00pm 16/10/2003 |
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mood:  optimistic music: im watching inuasha or something like that
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well i hont really know whats been going on lately.... TOOOOOOO MUCH! i still love chris with all my heart... and i want to be with him more than anything.... i just dont understand him. he wont tell me whats wrong with him... yesterday i was standing there and he said hug me so i did and he wraped his arms around me tight and started crying.... the same thing today... and i tryed to get him to talk to me the whole time at the college fair... he wouldnt... he got kinda offended when i "assumed" that him and renee must of had sex again or something. so i dunno.................................................. well i have all night to do homework that i put off and put off and put off.... goodnight
........ this is next time |
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| oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy |
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| 10:42am 13/10/2003 |
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mood:  crushed music: whats inside my head at the moment
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i cant even egin to explain the last couple of days... friday was horrible... i wanted to appoligize to chris' mom for just stoping by unexpectd when hitler went offon me... then she started talking to me... and i found out that chris and renee have been together since they broke up :\ so my uncle had calleed me just out of no where... he heard that i was crying and he didnt even have to ask why... so he dicided to go over to his house and wait for him w/ a baseball bat... he didnt end up doing anything but he had chris call me... i didnt get anything out of him... by that time i had taken about half of what was left of the stupid medication i am on.... and 6-7 vicodin, i just kept taking them untill i couldnt swallow any more.... my uncle came home and soon ... him and his buddies will and wally stayed with me.... they had to go out so they took me with them.. there are whole parts of that night that i dont remember... i dont know where we went or anything all i remember i was standing out in the street trying to pet a cat and it got ran over right in front of me... i felt it die... it was so sad... so his friend buried it in the backyard... then i remember waking up on sat. morning... i decides to be brave and i called renee... i was crying and i told her that i wasnt doing this to hurt her or to be vindictive... and then i told her about me and chris... i had no idea that they had been going out all summer.... well i really shocked her and she came over to my house to see the letters and everything.. we talked for about an hour... and then we had the idea... she was suppposed to meet chris after he got back from sat. school... so she told me that i should go with her so we could confront him.... it worked out very nice... the look on his face...all three of us talked for a while i got a couple of REALLY good hits in... i feel bad though... well thats all i really want to say ... i think the rest is for me to know and..... ok bye
...... till never again |
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| sex does a body good |
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| 11:16pm 09/10/2003 |
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mood:  loved
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life is the best. i love chris with all my heart. especially when we have sex... its so intense and WOUNDERFUL mmmmmm i think it is so goofy tha the thinks that i am so INCEEDIBLy sexy naked. personally i could throw up but hey who am i to judge. well i am all fucked up on these new drugs that i am on so.... i need to go to sleep!
puls i am very tired from todays activites!!
.......till sex time |
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| hitler's reign |
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| 12:08am 08/10/2003 |
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mood:  crappy music: nothing
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ahhhhh i hate my grandfather A.K.A. Hitler. he totaly went off on me in the waiting room of the doctors office today. cussin at me calling me "looney" and "anti-social". then he got up and left, and jeff went with him. so i went ahead and went to my appt. then jeff came back and got me. so we chilled, went to the mall went to eat and then to pro-tech. then i was going to go to a friends house till someone could come pick me up so i wouldnt have to be here by my self with Hitler. well that fell through so i had to sit inside a wendys for almost 3 wonderful hours. then jeff came and got me and brought me home, then hitler went to go pick up my granma and he came home and acted like nothing happened. I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
well... chris is being really cool to me.... i really like it when the waters are calm. i love him so much. he is so wonderful.
will and wally came over tonight. meh... they think im like their bitch or something. bleh... i think wally digs me or something.... hummmmmmmm interesting.... ok well i have wonderful school tomorrow so goodnight
.....till next time (if there is a next time) (no i am not going to kill myself just put that for fun.) |
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| uummmmm drugs |
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| 10:16pm 06/10/2003 |
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mood:  high
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blah bhal blah blah i still have this god damned headache. i will of had had it for one week tomorrow. i am going to the doctors tomorrow to see what is wrong with me. this sure has been a good excuse to take vicodin. i think i may be coming addictided to the shit. i cant stop thinkg about the next time i can take some. well i am much to druged uo to carry on any more.
...... till next time |
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| boohooo |
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| 11:09pm 05/10/2003 |
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mood: melancholy
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well chris finally called after he was to busy hanging out with his friends to spend time with me today. then after he finally calls me not even ten min. later he has to hang up with me because whoever called him was more important then me. i give up. i dont know what to do anymore. do you have any advice?
........ till next time |
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| 08:31pm 05/10/2003 |
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mood:  gloomy music: homegrown
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god im such a loser. i dont know why but i have the feeling of loserniess. i feel so.....BLAH AGAAGAGAGA i hate those stupid fuse comercials!!!! they have nothing to do with anything! ook just had to let you know!!!! |
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| 05:10pm 05/10/2003 |
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mood:  bored music: death to smoochy
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oh god i am bored off my ass. no one to talk to ..... nothing to do..... all i have to look foward to is dinner. id tell you what it was i cant ever remember how to spell the stupid word..... spaghetti something like that...... i have to pee..... god i am fatt! i have a headache the size of my ass. i think chris lied to me... he told me we couldnt go to the movies today because his mom wanted him to get a hair cut and to clean his room..... that was over 5 HOURS AGO!!! so..... BLAH BLLAH LAH lhlhBHLBALhBLAHLBHALBHLABLABKHLAHBLAHBLAHBLHLABhlabhlhablh well i am going to go take a piss
....... till next time |
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| meh |
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| 12:40pm 05/10/2003 |
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mood:  anxious music: blink 182 feeling this
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well this is the first time i have ever written in an onlie journal, so here it goes...
lastnight chris told me exactly how he saw me. basically he thinks im crazy, and now he thinks im stupid because i started crying and he thinks that i was crying because i think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. i know and i understand why we arent boyfriend and girlfriend, i started crying because i never wanted to portray myself to him like that. ARGH love is a full time job. you think it is the one thing you wnat most in the world and yet at he same time you wish there was no such thing. so because of the things he told me.... i think im going to back off and wait till he sees that he really does want me around. ah but then ill worrie will he miss me will he want to spend more time with me? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this shit drives me crazy.
humph well in HAPPY news the new blink single felling this is totally rad. i have it on my real one player and have been listening to it non-stop since it came out. i think i have it down now. :) i cant wait for it to come out. blah carl is sleeping.... so i cant call him and complain to him, or call him names and be a bad friend. (as everyone else see it.) hahahahaha but little do you guys know me and him have a very secrete friendship, we have something that all yall dont. (ziiiiiip) hahahah but i aint telling yall!!! heheheh and neither is carl!!! MUAHHAHAhahAhahahAHAHAhHAhHAHhAHhAHhAHhAHHahHA
oooooooooooooooOOOOoOOOO dustyn called me yesterday! he hasnt said twko words to me in MONTHS!!! hes such a cool dude. and he doesnt seem to think hes much to look at.... i think he is very cute! oh and im not quite sure if he was serious or not but i might get to go to homecoming at mcneil with him....but just as friends. wow this is a good way of geting out what is on your mind
..... till next time |
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