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Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
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5:46 pm - End
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Ok, No more posts. No one reads it except for the people that get pissed off by it anyway. Bye guys ;-)
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
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6:45 pm - Hungry
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Hey, does anyone want to have me over for Thanksgiving? Mommy's going away so I'm going to not have anywhere to go, and as delightful as Mac -&- Cheese for one sounds I really don't want to spend it alone. Just let me know.
current mood:  working
current music: Smells Like Teen Spirit
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 15th, 2004
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1:16 am - Lamentation
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Ugh
current mood: Shit
current music: People laughing next door
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
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11:25 pm
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ok, things had gone ok for a while, but you know my luck. I went to therapy today, and yes, i resent going a little. I mean it hurts a little when your girlfriend wants you to seek professional help. but i go because she wants me too. I went and she's what we talked about this time. I talk about how how awesome she is, how much i love having her in my life, and how she makes things better. the therapist said it's ok that she wants me to get it, and i don't. it just shows that she cares, and i'm uneasy with the fact that for the first time in my life i can't control whats happening to me. we explore that the reason i can't be alone is from my father and certain things he did to me in my early childhood, and explored my recklessness, and lack of it as of late. I talked about caity and sam, and how sometimes i feel like bob, as the "replacable one". which i still kinda believe. then we talk about how sometimes i feel like alexa really just wants to spend time with those two instead of me, which i totally get and appreciate, but sometimes in an effort to not hurt me, puts off telling me till the last second. but that was ok. but i really dislike going. it helps, but it makes me feel stupid because its all stuff i know, what i need to know is how to fix it. for the last 20 min. we talked about alanna. I started crying a little. It's hard losing your best friend of 3 1/2 years. she was family and she abondoned me. so i was specifically feeling like shit the rest of the day.
Then caity and alexa came to the mall. I was so psyched. if anyone couldmake it better she could. and especially after talking about how great she is for an hour, i guess i had this visage of her in my mind of her as someone to hug me and make everything better, at least a little. I think i'm just so emotionally exhausted after therapy, that i needed her to be my constant. so we go and eat and i was excited because its been a while since i had a chance to pay, and i pulled out two chairs for us to sit in. now i guess this is just a guy thing, but I really wanted just to sit next to my awesome girlfriend and share a dinner with her, and enjoy some friendly conversation with everyone. especially after talkng about how warm and friendly she is, and how she makes things better. but she sat next to caity, and i was like "come sit over here" to which she replied "no I'm going to sit with caity" I stood for a minute trying to think of a way to coax her over when she says "why would i want to sit with you, when i could sit with caity".
I know she was kidding. but after what happened the friday before halloween, and just recently in general, it really hit me. i felt like i was cast away for a friend again. how do you react to that? I know she's goofy around caity, i know that if we are over-affectionate i makes others uncomfortable. but I really wanted her to not be like that. and what do i say? "dont make jokes"? "dont be funny"? I tried making faces to show my discontent, while trying to act happy so that they wouldn't get fed up with me and leave. after thati was blatantly saying that it annoyed me, then she made a joke that i could only come to thanksgiving if i shut up about it. and having to ask to go to her house because i had no where else to go was really hard on me. it really pissed me off. is it funny i dont have a family? is it cool to say i cant have a holiday with you unless i comply with you? so i decided im not going there for thanksgiving. im gonna just stay home and make mac & cheese.
After that she accidently poked me in the eyes and my contact floated and stung. then while she was trying to make it better she did it again. it really hurt, so i went back to my store. I tried being affectionate while she filled out apps but was met with "stop" and "your bothering me". I guess a normal person would say im overreacting, but im not normal. nor is ray, and he asked me "dude are you fucking around on her or something?". so at least im not crazy.... as much as i think. anyway she called and when i seemed purturbed she got really mad at me so i hung up. and once again wish i didn't. especially since i did it twice. she just doesn't get it, and i cant make her. I love her but she doesn't me very well. i dont know. I would give my right nut to talk to her right now. just one call. thats all i need. i really dont want to go to sleep sad and alone again...
goodnight.
current mood:  morose
current music: Maroon 5 Acoustic - harder to breathe (nqh's is better)
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
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8:43 am - religion class
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so... early.
must... sleep.
send help....
im during class:
NevrHurtULikeIDo: r we ever going to finish that?
KeithTheDrummer: idk
NevrHurtULikeIDo: lol mr. telekinesis
KeithTheDrummer: better then being a flamer
NevrHurtULikeIDo: hahaha im not elements anymore remember
KeithTheDrummer: thats not what i meant
NevrHurtULikeIDo: asshole
KeithTheDrummer: exactly
NevrHurtULikeIDo: take that
KeithTheDrummer: you even kick gay
KeithTheDrummer: you should be Mr. Pimp
KeithTheDrummer: you sniff out pussy... EVERYWHERE
NevrHurtULikeIDo: hahaha
KeithTheDrummer: your such a scumbag
NevrHurtULikeIDo: u smell like one
KeithTheDrummer: a pussy? or a scumbag?
current mood:  sleepy
current music: lecture
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 7th, 2004
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2:57 pm - Guide to dating
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I found this today on a random persons xanga. I should probably follow it more often, however I was reading #12 and was all like... "hey i actually did one right" score one for keith.
Anyways here guys I hope it brings u you luck.
30 THINGS GUYS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GIRLS: written by a guy. after years of experience.
1.Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.
11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
current mood:  tired
current music: Someone To Die For - Jimmy Gnecco
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
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2:05 pm - Therapy
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I had my first therapy session today. I hope it works. Last night me and Alexa got into a little scuffle over the phone. It was my fault. After that I lost it. I started screaming and crying, and mixing the two. The therpist kinda figured it out. I agreed, and theres not really a way to fix it.
We're going to meet weekly.
I'm really screwed up in the head, and they are gonna have two therapists in every meeting. And we have to explore some issues, and they think I need to be on some medication. Which would be kinda cool because then I can sell it to the junkie a few doors down.
Junkies like pills.
Alexa, I love you, I miss you <3... Amaze me.
current mood:  crazy
current music: Priest - Stephen Lynch
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 1st, 2004
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1:12 am
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Pinkie3487: if you want, i'll go with you or something. i just want you to be better. because i can't keep on being your full support. i've tried, but i can't do it anymore. it's not your fault at all, so please don't think it is. i'm always here to talk no matter what. but i can't always fix everything.
I get it. I really do.
I just can't deal with it.
I burdened her with all my shit, and kept going with it. I used her self pity, and now I'm afraid to say anything to her. I don't think I am who I used to be. I hate to sound like a differance, but it's how I feel. And I get it now. Not wanting to smile, or wear light colors, or have faith anymore. I get wanting to hang out with people that feel sad and have problems, because you don't feel alone. And thats what a difference is... someone who wants to be with someone who is like minded. You dress not to the norm so that maybe someone like you will see and go over to you and maybe you can have a connection. And can you blame someone who is having a rough time for wanting to believe that they have wings, or powers, or anything that could make them special. And that's what makes someone who feels like a social reject happy. When someone else makes a connection to them. The only times I feel happy, or anything is when I am having a connection to someone. Self - mutilation with caity, Slurpees with Sam, and holding hands with Alexa. Hanging out with Lil' Ray screaming obcenities, learning shit from Big Ray. It's all what makes life worth living. When you feel like life isn't worth living, and we ALL get like that, then being with someone understanding helps.
I feel like a difference. I'm depressed, and quite frankly i could use a pair of wings. Then, at least my imagination coulod fly to a place where nothing goes wrong. I'm sorry everyone if I;ve been a downer but I don't feel like the same guy any more. October has knocked me down. Between my Grandmother, my Father, my Mother, my birthday, this school, the money, Halloween, sleepness nights, feeling like a loser, being a loser, crying my tear ducts dry, and dragging everyone down with me, especially Alexa, I really don't want to come out of my room anymore. I think I'm turning into a difference. I'm not ready to dawn make-up and dog leashes, but I feel myself talk to myself at night and spew out the same shit they always say. I'm 19 but I'm still just a kid, I don't think I'm mature enough to handle all this. I really need a life preserver, and now Alexa can't even help me anymore.
I miss Alanna. More now then ever. She would've helped like none other. She always put things in perspective. It's hard loseing someone you love, and I keep doing that. And now I think I'm losing Alexa, if not as a girlfriend then as someone I can go to. I'm sitting here crying and everyone just keeps telling me, "Oh well", "Get over it", "Stop Whineing", or "It'll get better". But it's not. Nothing is, It keeps coming. And no one else sees it. I prayer every night for someone, anyone to help. But they don't. And I realize, that everyone sees me as this goofey, retarded, perverted, A-hole, because thats what I put out. But I'm just so hollow. I lay in my bed stare at the ceiling and kinda wish someone would tuck me in. I don't really have any friends. I love the people I'm friendly with but if I don't go with the flow, or if I bring them down at all it's "whats his problem".
I just want it all to go back. I want it to be ok again, I want to get in benneto and scream stupid shit, I wanna scrim-scrim with ray, and I want to have dinner with Alexa and name our kids. But I can't. And I need help. I'm going to the Student Help Center tomorrow to make a psyciatric apointment. Maybe they can help.
current mood:  crushed
current music: steven lynch - she gotta smile
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 29th, 2004
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7:00 pm - When it rains...
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It fucking pours. I have to work "Mall-o-ween" tomorrow, without a costume because I have no money. Goddamn it. Then I get a note that basically says If I don't have a roommate by next friday the school is going to charge me another $400. How can Chestnut Hill College get away with that? Like I don't have enough shit right?
Seriously. Who ever has the Keith VooDoo doll, I'm sorry, I'm really fucking sorry. Just please stop picking on me. I can't get ahead you know? Everytime I get a few bucks out of debt, More shit flops up. Everytime I'm excited about little things, they get taken away. I can't have a room to myself, I can't have $5 for more than 5 Minutes, and certainly can't have peace of mind. I'm trying to keep a good mindset, you know... "Shit Happens". But I can't handle it all at once. I'm not quite gonna make it.
On a brighter side Alexa did my laundry for my birthday. I smell better now then... well... ever.
current mood:  gloomy
current music: Vitamin R - Chevelle
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 25th, 2004
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5:54 pm - The Curse
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I've widely believed that my birthday has a curse on it. I thought it was silly superstision but I guess it's more real that I thought. And today is shaping to be even worse. I just found out that on top of yesterday I owe my school $300 dollars... By wensday. My mom decided to forget. So now what little money I was able to save I have to give away, because the government can't count grants, and my mom is retarded. Plus to top that one off I get to really feel like man by borrowing a substantial sum of money from Alexa, and not be able to pay her back for a while. I really hate this.
It's what I expect though. I havn't had a birthday since I was like 9, and I got my hopes up for yesterday. I really did. And it all blew up in my face. I'm so fucking stupid.
current mood: melancholy
current music: Heres to the losers - James Darren
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| Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
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8:49 pm - New Friend
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Today I met a new friend named Addison. She is from alaska.
I've never met someone from there so it was pretty cool. She was very informative and gave me a pin. This has been such a crazy week. So I went out did some dumb shit, got a tatoo and a peircing, and passed out a lot. And Alexa made me feel so much better about the whole funeral thing. Caity took me out and that was awesome, and Sam... had a really smelly sweatshirt. But thank you to everyone that helped. I promised to have a top 5 list of what makes me happy so here we go:
#5: My Friends
#4: Red Skittles
#3: That feeling after you go to the bathroom after having to hold it after a very long car ride with Caity's little brother.
#2: Not Quite Heroes.
#1: Cake. Fat kids like cake.
well thats it for now... Astound me...
current mood:  refreshed
current music: White Stripes - We are gonna be friends.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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8:00 pm - Keith Day
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Offically another Keith day for history to record.
I was at work yesterday and my mom calls and goes, "I was reading the obituaries, and your grandmother is dead, and oh yeah your dad's still alive... The funerals tomorrow".
I thought I could handle it.
I couldn't.
I went to the funeral anyway... He was there and didn't recognize me.
Someone told him who I was.
They made me be a Pall Bearer.
They made me fill in the grave.
I don't like jews anymore.
I went to the Shiva, and talked to some relatives.
They all hate my dad.
Just like me.
I had to miss class.
I'm going to lose credit for my classes.
I'm going to be a dropout.
I need to get some apples and video games... I need to get crunked and fucked up at the same time.
I don't know how to handle this one... I really really don't. I've been joking around and acting fine, but I don't know what all of this means yet.
And I'm sick.
ugh...
current mood: crushed
current music: nothing
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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9:22 pm - To Laura Gregory
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Hey Laura,
I don't know what's going on with you and your boyfriend, but please don't drag me into it. I don't know why everyone thinks I'm involved but I have bigger things to worry about and do. We used to be such good friends, I wish we still were. And I tried with that one comment I made last month on your xanga but you ignored it. So fine. Whatever I give up. But I don't want 50 emails a day with people asking me if I made up a fake boyfriend for you. I don't have to care anymore. I have a life, and sure it sounds like just the type of thing I would have done before, but not now. I hope you catch the sunuvabitch, but don't have your boyfriend im me with threats, especially not one of a legal issue, because if that's really what he wants then I am more than happy to oblige. Remember I'm jewish, and not to envoke the stereo-type but I have lawyers in my family, and if your boyfriend says he called the cops and really didn't and you call me and Alexa a "dick and a whore" in your xange then I think everyone needs to read the real definition of "Slander" I really don't want to fight with you, we did that for years. I miss you as a friend, and especially miss gossiping with you. But you can't blame me for things I don't do. I hope you work this out, and everything else with your life too. I know you have an offset family life, and I also heard they tried to take your car. That really sucks.
Well... All my best,
-The "Real" Keith
current mood:  sympathetic
current music: Velvet Revolver - Slither
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 16th, 2004
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7:09 pm - Survey Soundtrack
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Ok you bastards, nobody responded to the last entry except Pinalope, and of all people Tom... UGH! ok heres my music survey i ripped from Alexa, everyone has to do this!
The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey
Make a soundtrack for your life, matching songs with the following:
Opening song: “Crawling in the dark” Hoobastank
Waking up: "6:00" Dream Theater
First kiss: "We are the champions" from Queen
Falling in love: "Overjoyed” Stevie Wonder
Seeing an old love: "Broken” Seether + Evanescence
Heartbreak: "Something New” Nook The Crook
Driving fast: "Decent into mystery” Danny Elfman
Getting ready to go out: "I’m coming out” Pink
Partying with friends: "Welcome To The Jungle” Guns and Roses
Dancing at a club: “Sandstorm” Darude
Flirting: "Candy Girl” Jackson 5
Feeling sexy: "Nothing but mammals” Bloodhound Gang
Walking alone in the rain: "Aerials” System of a down
Missing someone: "Running” No Doubt
Playing in the ocean: "Surf’n USA” Beach boys
Summer vacation: "Purple Haze” Hendrix
Fighting with someone: "Tom Sawyer” Rush
Acting goofy with friends: "Slither” Velvet Revolver
Thinking back: "Lifted” Little Joe Pinto
Feeling depressed: "Macy’s Day Parade” Green Day
Christmas time: "Sleigh Ride”
Falling asleep: "Stairway to Heaven” Zepplin
Closing song: "Disposable Crutches” Little Joe Pinto
current mood: lonely
current music: Tainted Love
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, September 10th, 2004
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6:03 pm - Update!!! Crazy Go Nuts!!!
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Sooooooo..... I've had a few epiphanys lately. I've been doing lots of thinking... lots and lots of thinking. It's the only thing I can do here at good ol' Chestnut Kill Yourself. But going along that theme I've decided that I am well on my way to becoming one of those whiney goth differance bitches. I complain so much about what's wrong I for get to be thankful for what I have. I am not a depressed person, so why dwell on depressive things? I love life and everything about it. And yes maybe it took a few tear filled nights to discover it, but now I'm good.
So here's the list of things I'm thankful for:
1. Alexa - there's no one on earth that makes me happier, I recently found a list that I'd made in 5th grade of the things that made a perfect girl, and she hit just about every single one of them. But other from being the perfect girlfriend she has always been on of my very best friends, and no matter what I do to her, or horrible things or decisions I make in general, she's there to help clean me up.
2. Friends - My social life hasn't always gone the way I plan. But life works itself out. It balances. I've lost some of the best, but gained some even better ones. Caity and Samuel and yes, on occasion even Jordan. Caity, who has helped me so much with NQH stuff, and really has given me way more ride than I deserve. And that's hard cause I know she hates driving people around, especially when they are out of the way. She's been way cooler than I thought anyone could be. Sam, who despite our many past differances has really inspired me. He opened his heart and home to me, and wasa willing to forgive and forget. Which is something a lot people can't handle. I count him as one of my better friends, and when we have our occasional all night slurpee "girl talks" it really makes me feel better as a person that we can bore be receptive. Jordan... He's my sidekick. He knows to stop me if I go to far and knows when I need ice cream. A lot of people give him shit, but he can throw it back almost as good as me. I wouldn't want to stand behind him, but I'll fight beside him.
3. My Job - I work at a comic book store. A comic book store that sells classic rock Vinyl. How fucking cool is that!? How I got this I'll never know, but the ability to read green lantern, listen to Zepplin, and sell porno to 50 year old virgins who live with their moms, makes me feel that much more special.
4. Big Ray - In the absence of my father he really stepped in. My mentor and teacher and above all big brother. He's got yoda like advice but relates it like a kevin smith movie and if I need it he will literally knock me down a few pegs when I'm overly cocky. He taught me about comics, and life, and how to tie a tie. He's always friendly to everyone, and is the only person I know without any enemies. I should really be like more like him.
5 Shane and NQH - Shane has probably had the worst life of anyone I've ever known. Yet he just keeps on going with the best attitude I've ever known. Although he's half of NQH he's ninety percent of the passion, the creativity, and the monetary involvement. He's so unique, and although doesn't make the best decisions he's my Hero.... Pun intended.
Well thats it. The top 5 things I couldn't do without. Everyone should do this. Make a list and post it in the comments section, or just reply.
current mood:  thankful
current music: The levy breaks - Zepplin
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, September 3rd, 2004
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7:42 pm - Ok
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So everythings working out. Like always. I should really have more faith. Anywho, NQH did an awesome show at Chestnut Hill College, and will hopefully have many more. That is all.
current mood: thankful
current music: annoying customers
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
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2:07 am - Sigh
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Thank you everyone for your concern especially you samuel, you brightened my day. And alexa no matter what I love you till the end of time. And Mercedesm your alwayts an inspiration in Karma. Get it? ok, im going to bed. Love you all.
current mood: sleepy
current music: Nook The Crook
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 28th, 2004
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11:29 pm - Again and Again
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It's like a cycle, or I gess it;s more like a scale. If things go right for a while, they have to go wrong. Tady has been another "Keith Day". My friend Dan came up with the ideaq of a "Keith Day" in 2001. It seemed that about every month I would have an astronomically horrible day. Dan actually figured it out to a science and could pinpoint which day it was going to be. I never wanted to know, I thought that I could change it with my mindset. Today was one of the bigger Keith days. I won't go into details, but I had such a horrible day. I kind of wish now that I had failed high school. I hate Chesnut Hill College. I hate the hipocrasy, the stupid events that are mandatory. But mostly I hate the people. It's like taking the social rejects from High School and puting them in a place to piss you off more. Where you have to live with them. My room mate is a jock. Him and his friends get drunk and wake me up from my only salvation here, and because they play sports they are treated like rare and precious gems here. The girls are snide and stuck up. The losers are those real losers, not the geek chique weezer fans, but the ones who won't speak to save their lives and never come out of their rooms in fear of getting in someones way, and having the all to knowing stare of judgement. And me? I (in two days) already have a few nick names; Fearless, Funny Kid, Big Pimpin', Ballsy, etc. I've made it a point to not blend with them all. I say what I want, do what I want. I've offended so many nationalities, religions, ethnicities, I've said every curse in the human language to every nun, and even snuck up to the off limits observitory a few times to gaze at the stars and contomplate my very being, and how to improve upon it. I miss people that share my sense of humor. I miss genuine laughter. I miss being with Alexa. we see eachother so sparingly now. And I know it affects her too, but she won't fix it. I truly don't know if she just stays with me because she wants to or because its comfortable, easy, and what she thinks she has to do. I miss her so much. As I write this I am at my lowest. The worst Keith Day to date. No fall downstairs, or sexual harassment suit tops this. Now I truly feel the onslaught of clinical depression.
It was so simple. All it took was an ID to get into the dorms. That's all she needed. It didn't occur to her until much later that she didn't have an ID, like when she was being dropped off. So she came out told me, and left. I lost it. I went to my dorm. Shut the door and cried. I don't know why. Lack of sleep? Lack of feeling? Lack of human interaction? I'd seen her the night before for like an hour and the time was most spent on pulling a brush out of Sam's hair. But I can't be content with these hour meetings. An hour after school, an hour aqnd a half after work. I want a realationship, and thats more commitment. I prayer its not more than she has to give. We talked and fought on the phone, and she hung up... she gave up. I cried more. She doesn't get how precious our time is together. How much I hurt when we are apart.
"It's not the end of the world" she says.
But to me it is. Maybe I am unhealthily connected to her, but I really just wanted a little time to be with her without having to check my watch and see how long till she hade to be home. A senior in high school, a young adult with her life just starting.... with an 11 o'clock curfew. If it were me, I would have fought. If it were me I'd want every freedom in the world, mostly because I alreadyu have it. But I've realized something. The freedoms not worth shit with no one else to share it with.
I can't beleive she hung up. That really was the straw that snapped my spine. If we keep acting like this I don't know how much longer we can go on. And having these thoughts is pure suffering. Please some one drive metel pins through my arms and nail me to a crusifix of melencholy. Anything except having to live with the pure and simple fact that if everytime it's really important for us to be together she will never be reliable. I needed her tonight. I really did. And she promised she'd always be there. But she wasn't. I thpought she would fight. I thought that if she knew how much it meant to me on the phone, she would find a way to get to me. That she would wrap her arms around my torso like she hadn't seen me in years and I'd pick her up like an army men whos returned from battle. I thought she'd come.
current mood:  numb
current music: Running - No Doubt
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 21st, 2004
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2:37 pm - grrr
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Fucking Nash. I'll slit his fucking throat.
other than that
Alexa bought me a present! I got a watch! and it's really shiney! Plus I got another oresent, but thats another story for another day.
OH! everyone go to www.NotQuiteHeroes.cjb.net!!!!!
current mood: excited
current music: OLYMPICS
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
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11:09 pm - yay
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I got internet back peoples! yay!
current mood:  chipper
current music: VELVET REVOLVER
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(comment on this)
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