01:21pm 26/08/2003
  my hair is partially pink and it makes me want to hump things

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01:11am 03/08/2003
music: music: love of the loveless - the eels
I had an amazing evening. Something about being in the company of one who totally believes in you, unconditionally, and understands you.. knows you better than anyone else .. it just rocks.

So yeah, I spent the evening with an old friend. We chatted over dinner about love. Unconditional love.. and that it was a selfless thing. That if you really LOVE someone, you want what's best for them .. and not in the "do-it-my-way-its-whats-best" kind of way, but in a very true, real, genuine way.

Of course there are many different levels of 'love'. But I found myself wondering this evening .. of all the people who have told me that they love me, and me them, has it ever been unconditional? Granted, at the beginning of most relationships, couples go through the 'honeymoon' phase.. you've all had to experience it at least once .. where you giggle at the sound of their name, you laugh hourly, cry harder, get UBER sappy .. blah. In this phase, you can do no wrong to each other, because you're so caught up with each other that it's like you don't see anything else going on .. nor do you *want* to.

Being a telemarketer, I talk to a lot of married couples. Perhaps not the both of them, but at least one spouse or the other. And there are sooo sooooooo sooooooo many of these people that sound so bitter towards the other. It's so disappointing. What does this give me to look forward to? Spending the rest of my life with someone that I can hardly stand? Of course, there are the few (and VERY far between) couples, old couples usually, that you can just tell still feel the same way about their husbands or wives that they did so many years ago when they first proposed. This is the kind of love that I want to have. This is unconditional, and you can tell just by the tone of their voice.

You know how occasionally you see the older couple jogging together, holding hands and in matching jogging suits?

That's love, baby.

It's weird. I yearn, passionately, to feel this, explore this emotion, examine it, just figure it out. But at the same time, these past few weeks I have been crawling into a shell of sorts. Ghosts from my past lately have been pulling at me, wanting to see me, needing my time, and for some reason, the thought terrifies me. So. I retreat. Even when I spend time with friends from work, I hardly talk. I haven't been online much lately, either. All that aside, I DEFINITELY don't want a relationship right now.


After dinner, we sat in his apartment and jammed out to Iggy Pop and Fischerspooner. A very fine way to end the evening, in my opinion.
i'm as boring as john is ugly   
03:21pm 27/07/2003
  and that is RATHER depressing at times.

Other times, however, I'm okay.

Right now I'm just bored. Procrastinating. Etc.

However.. I suppose if I wasn't procrastinating I would be doing something which would mean I wouldn't be bored. InSANE.

Someone shoot me in the face. At least then I'd be interesting-looking.
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12:12pm 24/07/2003
mood: accomplished
music: peekaboo - siouxsie
So. I have a blurty. Do I tell anyone? Or keep it a secret ... oooooOOoOooooooOOooo its a mystery ......

This thing is like. EXACTLY like livejournal. Kinda creepy.