| *Radio Edit* |
[25 Aug 2005|01:39am] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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music |
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The Dolls (Jane Jensen) |
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Editing TBM to actually 'publish' it is really taking me back to 2003 and also really making me think. About things. I'm on the verge of a breakdown, and freaking out over being on the verge of a breakdown is just pushing me closer to it. No fair! No fair!
Tomorrow I'll pick things out for Aih-Fic and I'll write the Chintsubu fic ASAP. That I can do. That will be teh-funneh.
Fill the Holes... may need to talk to LN about changing the end date. Hmmm.
Not going to bother with the Ycon contest. Would much rather write for YaoiMagazine. Must e-mail back with some stuff for that, once my head isn't about to explode.
I can get there. I can. I just... Dad yelling that I didn't do things yesterday and him being drunk as always and going on about things... probably exaggerating because he found one spot I missed and instead of telling me I missed a spot just yelled that I did nothing because even when I'm hurt and depressed and on the edge of a breakdown, I must really just hate him and that's my problem with everything. And that I'm lazy.
I'm not him. My body is not as strong as his. I cannot do the things he can. I don't care that I'm young and strong and whatever... I have limits and those are different than his. I'll work on it tomorrow but I just know he'll come home and yell that I did nothing.
I am nothing. I'm just so much nothing.
Will be interesting to see if Sweetie calls me. He didn't... last time he said he was going to.
I... am growing more frustrated and confused with even the basics of my sexuality and even gender... I must be borderline disassociative, too, or something. Guh.
And I think I just have too many ideas for things to write, too many requests and deadlines and people expecting things and I try too hard to make people happy and all these things are colliding and while I was doing really good at the beginning of the month, all the other shit going on has just bottled everything up and now nothing will come out.
I'm just staring at the screen. Which is why I've started editing. Because if I can't create new words, maybe I can fix up old ones.
I don't want a pity-fest. This is not my pity fest. I just came here to be somewhere not-LJ where I could just ramble and not clog up f-lists or inconvenience anyone with my ongoing angst.
I just need to get this out and I don't care who does or who doesn't see it.
Random spoilers, since they're in my head:
--No, he had not expected his first foray into homosexuality to end in decades of domestic bliss. But he hadn't expected it to have involved so much emotional pain, either. Maybe that just meant that it had been the real deal.--
--"You know," Ethan said as he stood in front of the black-haired judge of the dead, "I think I'm still waiting for the moment you tell me that you're my father and that I wasn't brought here solely to see how many horrible things I could find to do."--
Oh yes, and that thing you've been wondering about in BBE. Um... Magic 8 Ball says 'Most Likely'.
Ugh. Enough wankishness from K... *dies*
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[27 Oct 2004|10:15am] |
Blah... just so... I need to catch up with Miss Sprink and get our NaNoWriMo plans finalized. If you see this, Elfie, give me a call. It's free no matter what part of the country I'm daliancing about in. *huggle*
Still need to get so much website crap done.
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[23 Jul 2004|11:58am] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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Dido |
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Yes, I definitely have too much stress in my life. It all came to a crashing head a couple of hours ago and I just lost it... I haven't had a crying screaming breakdown in quite awhile so maybe I just needed to get some of it out of my system. But honestly, there has to be a way to deal with things so that I don't end up as a disaster.
I know life isn't going to allow me to stay in one static spot forever, but I think that I need to deal with certain things before I move on or else I'll literally be stuck with them as unpleasant monkeys on my back until the end of time.
God (and myself) willing, I will make it through all of this.
I think it's time to knock another novel out of my system and then re-evaluate just what the hell I'm doing to/with myself.
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[18 Jul 2004|08:55am] |
Whee! So... site update/layout/junk is almost, er, begun. I have some nice templates in the works, at least. *eyeroll*
Time is really flying in my life - I never really understood it before, but I can see now how people suddenly wake up and they're 30/40/whatever.
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[06 Jun 2004|02:00pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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Elastica |
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Shh. You don't see me.
Methinks it's time to edit fics, and for a new site layout. And... any other ideas? My LJ seems so... bloated right now. I just want to stretch and enjoy the nice little bit of sparseness I have over here.
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[03 May 2004|11:50am] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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Those Who Hunt Elves Opening Theme |
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Whee! It's been awhile. I'm not too sure just what I want to say, besides the fact that I think I'm going to convert this back into a sort of more personal space and leave my livejournal for fic stuff... which I think may be the opposite of how I started. And my JF will still be for rare fandom rants.
I need to stay out of video game stores.
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| Here I am! |
[08 Feb 2004|06:43am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Madonna |
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I'm not entirely sure what to do with this journal, since I'm using my LJ for site stuff. This was going to be the life-journal, but my life really isn't that entertaining and anyone who I want to know the details, I'll probably e-mail/call anyway.
The only thing I can think to do with it is start trying to update Idol with a few hundred words every couple of days. Here, I mean. Since I started Idol here and all.
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| The Week in Review... *snickers* |
[24 Jan 2004|03:39am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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None |
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Slept through class, spent too much time playing video games, didn't even bother trying to be a useful adult.
Okay... Sunday was Stan's funeral. I never knew him, but he was my Dad's uncle. So basically I went through the motions of a funeral involving many people I didn't know and a few I did. I did get a tuna melt out of the deal though, so all is well.
Monday we switched over to our 3am work schedule. Yuck. Oh well... I can do 3ams.
Tuesday involved more working, and probably plenty of Disgaea. And dinner with Sprink, whose birthday was Wednesday.
Wednesday was my day off. I slept.
Thursday I slept through class. Oops.
Friday I played video games and slept. I made it to the bank though, so I can pay bills and stuff.
Saturday... woohoo! Ann Arbor with Sprink!
I am so boring.
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| Another game... |
[18 Jan 2004|06:51am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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Kittie |
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Disgaea - talk about addictive. And for the record, I don't even like strategy games. I am getting my ass handed to me, but where else do I get zombie penguin minions?
I was extremely tempted to start Star Ocean 2 the other night.
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| The almighty video game list... |
[11 Jan 2004|11:58am] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Versus |
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Alright, just for the record, here is every game I'm currently playing and about where I am.
Final Fantasy - 6.30, Melmond, attempting to get enough gil for useful things.
Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest - Not too far after the damned ice block puzzle. About 4 hours, maybe?
Final Fantasy VII - second play through... just before the drag bit. Just got my discs back from Zack.
FFVIII - right before I lose Odin, more than 50 hours (happily!), levelling up.
Kingdom Hearts: 2nd play through(?). At Dragon-Malificent.
Xenosaga - creeping around as whats-his-name. About 5 hours in.
Xenogears - about two hours? Stuck in the forest.
Devil May Cry - blob monster. Mission 16?
Galerians:Ash - about five minutes. Ahaha! Dying...
Guilty Gear X - trying to make it off easy mode.
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - dead in the tree-thing. A couple of hours?
Soul Calibur II - Trying to make it off easy mode.
Soul Blade - see above. I like fighting games, I just suck at 'em.
Ehrgeiz - playing the dungeon game, badly. hmmm...
Legend of Legaia - Trying to rid my town of something or other. Not too far in.
FF Tactics - ahaha! Not far at all... Um... yeah.
Golden Sun - The tree town. 3.30 hours. In love...
Parasite Eve - Day 3. About 3 hours.
Chaos Legion - Stage 6, I think. I need to get this one back from Zack. And play Disgaea, which he leant me in exchange.
That may or may not be all of 'em. But damn, I need to pick something and finish it. I think FFIX is the only game I've beaten and am not replaying, despite the fact that I really want to.
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| VGU - The Video Game Update... |
[08 Jan 2004|10:48am] |
Haven't had one of these in awhile, no?
Today's Gaming:
Final Fantasy: I'm still bumming around Melmond. Every time I think I'm ready to advance the plot, I realize I should buy some more stuff first. So I wander around aimlessly until I can buy one more thing, then realize I want one more thing, so I wander around aimlessly... I'm at 6:27 in the game, adding an entire hour onto my previous game. I'd forgotten the best part of the game is the characters. So they have no characterization... I added my own and listen to them bicker in my head while I'm playing.
My fighter is Zack from FFVII. I decided he needed his own game.
My thief is Signal from Twin Signal. He's annoyed at the connotation of thief.
My white mage is Pretty from BBE. She gets mad about having to hit things with a hammer.
My black mage is Ethan from DM:A. He's whiney and gets hurt easily.
Also, played another 45 minutes of Parasite Eve. I beat the alligator boss on my second try (not bad for having to figure out the control system all over again while fighting it) and made it to Central Park on Day 2 before deciding I should shower. Apparently PE is a rather quick game, so with a little luck I may be able to get thru it in a couple of weeks.
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| Life (has me down) |
[05 Jan 2004|08:40pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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music |
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Liveonrelease |
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I know I don't have time to stay depressed, but at the moment, I'm a little angsty. It's my own fault though.
I'm not allowed to drink soda anymore. Or, if I do need a caffeine kick, it's Diet or nothing. *sighs*
I figure when I finish off what I have in the fridge now, it really is time to turn over a new leaf. It's not like the sugar was doing anything good for any part of me.
As many of you know, I have no insurance. I basically pay a minimal in order to have a plastic card that will get me admitted to a hospital if I'm near death, and that's *it*.
I had a dentist appointment today, which was important. My whole family has teeth prone to fault, and mine are no exception. Which is why it shouldn't have been surprising that I have a pair of sugar(pop)-caused cavities on my front teeth that need to be dealt with immediately.
They will work on a payment plan with me, as I could barely pay for a chunk of today's appointment. Fuck.
And the kicker is that one of my wisdom teeth, the one they said would most likely never move, is moving just a bit and causing pain every now and again (for the last two months maybe, not a long time). If it keeps up, they want to pull all four, despite the fact I have *one* in that's been in for *two* years and is *perfect*.
I don't want to think about the cost of that. Already my Mom has volunteered to pay for everything and let me pay her back, but I owe her too much to begin with. Besides, I'm an adult and should be dealing with my own debts.
I didn't realize how amazing insurance was.
I should check the balance in my checking and see if I can just *go* for it. Not the wisdom teeth, but the cavities. I want to bang my head on a wall.
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| Updates... |
[31 Dec 2003|12:45pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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music |
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'Like A Prayer' in my head... |
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It's been awhile. *sighs*
I've been working quite a bit. And Sunday... I think... I got really sick at work and almost passed out (I collapsed in an aisle) but felt better the next day. Odd. I've been sleeping quite a bit anyway. I think I was just dehydrated, honestly.
I need to e-mail Sigother very, very badly. I tried to call him but the phone just rang. I don't know if he has call waiting now. I was going to tell him I had two days off (yay!) and could do something, but... I'll see him Sunday (more yay!).
Anyone know anything about Darkstalkers?
Oh, so apparently they've started giving out pink/white slips at work (pink = you're gone, white = when we need help, we'll call you first). Guess what I got...
NOTHING YET. Oh the suspense. But I'm rather sure they've gotten through everyone and whatnot, so... I guess my fate is still on the fence. Cross yer fingers for me! I don't work until Friday, and if there's no paper in my mailbox (seasonal doesn't really get boxes, just folders)... well, I could be on my way to a mailbox. *grins*
The new Petshop of Horrors is something else entirely. Yum. T-chan = bishonen of the day!
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| I like it. |
[19 Dec 2003|09:34pm] |
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| It's been awhile... |
[16 Dec 2003|04:25pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Cyndi Lauper |
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Ooops. Not to be neglectful, sorry...
Anyway, since this is the life-journal now, here's some life.
Work: We got the lecture about how chances are we're all out of jobs in January. I was expecting that, but trying to be hopeful.
However, they are planning on keeping a couple of people on, so... they're going to be evaluating all us seasonal gits for the next few weeks. I get the odd feeling they've already decided who they want to keep, but... I dunno.
Between me and the internet, I think I know exactly who they'll keep on and I think I may be on that list. I just need to work myself as hard as I can for the next couple weeks -- wish me luck. Even as a non-permanent job that'll be switching to part time, I like it there and wouldn't mind hanging on until I find something mindblowingly better.
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[02 Dec 2003|08:00am] |
Addendum to the previous:
It's just this time of year, too... same time of year.
You know, I'm coming to understand why the holidays bum me out so much.
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[02 Dec 2003|07:54am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Sister George |
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*sighs*
I have no idea why I'm writing this besides the need to scream it out.
I triggered today, something I have not done in ages. For those of you who don't recognize the term 'trigger' in this context, it's basically when something happens that brings back a particularly painful memory that would be better left not thought of. I'm not going to get into mine. It's not something I tell people about because I ultimately take shit back for something that happened eight years ago. I mean, you can tell me all you want what I *should* have done, I can't go back and re-do it, k?
Anyway, I was talking to someone at work who said something completely unrelated (in his mind) and it just triggered me. I somehow made it through the rest of the shift without crying, but by the time I got in my truck to come home, I was in absolute tears.
I wish there was some term for 'Something really horrid happened, I was reminded of it, and now if you don't mind, I need to be upset for a bit' only not so long.
Some things I guess people can get past but not over.
Thanks.
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[27 Nov 2003|08:56am] |
Final Fantasy VII is not for the whimsical. The
world is cyberpunkish and (some have said)
Lovecraftian, with a kick of very adult humor.
There is very little opportunity for humor in
this world, and the main characters are too
well-set to create new life for. I'm glad you
got this option, because this game needs a few
new explorations.
Which Final Fantasy fandom should you be writing for?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[16 Nov 2003|08:06pm] |
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Squall's right, Ethan does look rather like Laguna at times.
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[12 Nov 2003|11:49pm] |
"The whole you and me and the fuck and yeah... no pants."
-Sprink
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