June 12th and Buddy   
12:38am 17/06/2004
mood: crushed
music: China Roses
My dog Buddy was a brilliant animal. Not brilliant in the sense of smart, but in that he was just wonderful. On Saturday, the second day of our Walk With God District Convention, I had to leave, crying, to go and say a final good bye to someone who had been through so much with me. That dog went through all of my down time with my eating disorder problems, all my bad health problems, my aunt margie and her death, grandma moving in, my mom's breast cancer, and my graduation, college, dad's retirement, all of the ups and downs of life for the past ten years. And he never once complained. He was always there for any of us, never understanding why when we would leave during the day he always got "the shaft" and was stuck at home. He never had a problem with any of us complaining endlessly to him. And he was always there when you were sick, sniffing and licking you in the face while you took a nap... He was wonderful, and he is gone. He was bumped by my dad's truck (the dog was deaf and mostly blind and he didn't see or hear the truck moving). He got up and walked (though I will never forget the sound of his howling when he got bumped) but he was breathing poorly. We thought he may just be sore, so we gave him half a tylenol and let him rest for the night. That was friday night, by saturday morning we knew something was terrible wrong. Dad took the dog to the vet and then called my mom and I from there and told us they were going to put the poor guy down. We rushed over out of the convention, and held him one last time as they gave him one last shot... His diaphragm was ruptured and he had been drowning in his own body fluids. He was a truly loyal friend, all the way to the end of his life, and without him, we all feel the absence of something truly special in our lives. Comming home, the house feels empty, and there is a depressed feeling about everything.
Mom and I went back to the convention and made the second half, but I really didn't get much out of it. I broke down crying a few times more, and reality kept hitting me so hard that I felt lost so many times. It was hard to be able to sing joyful songs so soon after something so tragic. So, we have yet another depressing entry into my journal.
Refusal to be Censored by Politicians   
12:18pm 08/06/2004
music: Wake Up
I am so sick and tired of all of the stupid politics. He said, she said, they thought, blah blah blah.... It really annoys me when people play politics. I mean, take work for example. People will smile at you and in two seconds, I will hear them bad mouthing the same person they just gave that warm smile to. It makes you want to limit your time around such people, and sometimes you can't do that. One may also feel that they are not free to be themselves, they become more introverted simply because the consequences would be that the people out to get them would use every word they say against them at some point. Yes, politics are everywhere, and there are some excellent politicians out there. For any politician who may happen to read this: Why do you care what other people think, or what they do? Is it because you have no life of your own, so you feel the need to stir up contentions amongst others so that you can have a little drama to star in? Why can't you just leave people alone? Do you have an obsession with having to know everything about everyone? If this is you, you really need to stop and consider what your actions could do to other people. I hate watching people sit there and gossip about each other. It drives me nuts and makes me sick to my stomach. We will use my workplace as an example. There is someone who wants to quit their job because they no longer feel that they fit in with their co workers. The reason? Politicians. I hate dealing with politicians. The only satisfaction in it is that they think they have won, over and over again, but you know what? In the end, they always lose. They will end up upsetting everyone they ever thought they cared about, and they will wake up one day and realize that they really messed up, and, this is the satisfying part, they may be inspired to change their ways.
I realize that I have been really trying to keep my journal very upbeat, and I rarely just sit and rant and rave in it, so I am sorry if you are depressed by reading this, but now that its out, maybe I can stop screaming in my mind. I hate to see injustice, and in a world like ours, it seems to run rampant. The positive thing about it all is that Jehovah sees how hard people who serve him try to do the right thing, and when they are put down for doing so, he will refresh them in the new system. We will all be happy and there will be no more politics. Heart conditions will be changed, and the driving force behind people's negativity will be gone forever. With our world the way it is, it makes me look forward to a long future with Jehovah, always staying by him without any more pain, persecution, discouragement, or sickness. Who wouldn't want that time to come?
Theses were my thoughts, I hope they weren't too negative for anyone out there.

Maintaining a Complete Heart   
10:40pm 11/04/2004
mood: hopeful
music: I Am Super Girl
Well, we just had an awesome Special Assembly Day in Bellville, Michigan on Saturday. We were so fortunate to have Brother Barr give not one, but TWO talks. Its always wonderful to hear from a member of the governing body, and he is one of the best speakers I have ever heard. He speaks straight from his heart and he is just so close to Jehovah, that you just feel drawn to him. He did a great job, and I really don't know how to express how much hearing what he said meant to me. It was like listening to Jehovah's words straight from his mouth, with a Scottish accent. It still gets me when I think of it. It was extraordinary.
The whole assembly theme was completely perfectly timed in its arrival. Everyone I spoke with all mentioned that it was just what we all needed. It was so encouraging and uplifting, that you couldn't help but smile the whole time. It was also nice to see some of the friends from the circuit that I don't get to see all the time, and that was very cool. I got to meet some new people that seemed...not really for me... but spoke to some others and caught up on things. All in all, this was one of the best circuit assemblies that I think I have ever been too (but I say that about most assemblies in general, circuit, district, or international).
Tina an Beverly get to go on their photography trip, though I do not get to accompany them. I am left with a sort of empty feeling, knowing how left out I will feel in a few weeks, and how much they will be talking about it in front of me, making me feel it even more, though they don't mean to. That's life though. I am trying to find a way to think about what I am going to do that weekend. I want to do something as fun as they do so I will have stories for them when they get back, so the feeling of missing each other is a little more evened out. Is that wrong? I just don't want to be depressed. I hate being down all the time about certain things, and I can't handle being lonely for three days while my best friend and her close friend are out bonding without moi! Well, I will have to figure out something to keep busy.
That is really all I have to say. I am feeling pretty good again, physically that is. That is a plus, still having some problems here and there, but life is getting better.
Kudos to awesome circuit assemblies!

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! I saw that movie The Prince and Me with Tina the other night, it was GREAT one of my new favorites, I highly recommend it to everyone!
Quick Hello   
01:17am 07/04/2004
mood: recumbent
music: Travis
Hey you,
You know what is so tough about dieting? The fact that cravings creep up on you like crazy! I mean, I have been craving pizza ever since I started this diet (low carb) and I even had a cheat day! Jeez! I don't know, sometimes it is so hard to keep the self discipline up... Lost twenty five pounds though... that is a definate plus. Anyway, it is time to go to bed, I feel like I am going to end up cranky and I really don't want that. Good night friend!!


Kudos to pain pills! But only when they work!
Mondays are Crazy   
10:51pm 05/04/2004
mood: groggy
music: Book of Days Enya
Mondays are crazy. I was late to school and wasn't allowed to take my BIO1500 test so that is a big fat zero right there. But I did write some very cool poems during BIO1500 class once I got there :) See quietone blurty to read them. Anyway, life isn't too bad today. Taught a Spanish class today, which went pretty well. Well, except for a near tantrum from the 4 year old. Other than that it was fine.
Still really sore, I guess it will go away eventually. I can now take two of those tylenol 3's without too much trouble and it helps a lot with the pain. I am due for more, but am trying not to take them I am proud of myself today. Since I had to be driving a lot today, I only took 2 pills today and that was right before my english class because I wouldn't have to drive for at least three hours. So I have been tough (grrr!!!) today and just been living with the pain. I am a buff chick!!! Yup yup!!
I hope that Tina is getting better, she seemed a little healthier on the phone which was great. Morest!
I am going to go lay down. I have been sitting up far too much today and have been typing a lot. Goodnight world!

Oh yeah, one more thing, I can't wait for the next girls night out!!!! Yea!!
I Hate Pain   
11:53pm 04/04/2004
mood: sore
music: Ne Ver Ne Boisa
I went to the emergency room yesterday, which was not really a big deal. I was only there for about two hours or so and they refused to run tests on me because they "think" that all I had happen was a cyst rupture on my left ovary or possibly a pulled muscle. They said, "here have some pain pills and just check up with your doctor later." And that was that.
I worry though. It seems to me that the pain should be gone. It happened while I was dancing with my friends on friday night, and it is now sunday and I am still really sore. Oh well, I will just have to wait until I can ask my real doctor what is going on in my system, why I am in so much pain.
Today was the memorial and it was great! I stayed off the pain pills this afternoon so I wouldn't space out during the occassion, and it was a wise move. Painful but wise...
I got to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a while, which was great. I am always happy to see them come when they do, its so encouraging. Nicole didn't show up though, a girl I work with. She had said she may, but never did. Also June didn't show either, who was an old family friend, but maybe they will come next time! We have a whole year now to remind them and work on them :-)
I hope my best friend is feeling better! I know you are super sick hon, and I hope that you are either well or taking something to feel better.
I have three new poems to write on my poetry blurty tonight, but I am getting sore sitting here, I may have to just go lay down again. I hope everyone enjoyed the memorial as much as I did! Oh wait! I forgot to mention that grandma almost spilled the wine! She dropped her Bible off her lap and went to grab it while letting go of the wine glass, but I grabbed it just in time to prevent ultimate disaster. Whew! And grandma keeps us on our toes yet again! It was pretty funny b/c she whispered super loud (she is hard of hearing) "WE ALMOST LOST IT!" like it was partly my fault... hehe Kudos to crazy grandmas!
That is all I am going to write tonight, bye friend,
Cinderella and My Future...   
06:38pm 01/04/2004
mood: contemplative
music: Cruel Intentions soundtrack (never seen the movie though...)
Sometimes I feel like I want to live in a fairy tale. I was watching Cinderella today with all my kids (at the daycare, they aren't really MY kids), and it just seems like my life is due for some kind of change. I don't know what kind of change exactly, but do you ever get the feeling like something is comming your way? Something good? I feel like that time is comming for me soon. It doesn't mean love, or marriage or anything in particular, I am not sure what is going on. I just simply feel like something is about to change for the good. This feeling came over me while I was finally settling the kids down and they were watching Cinderella walk away from her wicked step mom and her two step sisters while humming "so this is love." I watched the part and it just felt like I should say something like,"hey my life is a fairy tale." even though it hasn't been so far. It makes me wonder if perhaps I am losing it or if I am just right in that my life is about to change. I can't even tell if it will be for the good, but it seems like it would be. I just don't know.
Do you think that its true that true friendship will be able to go through anything? I think that you can always care about someone, but that you can lose the friendship between you and them, even if it is true friendship. The past has always said that this is true to me. The theory behind this is that you become friends with someone, but perhaps they change a lot about themselves, and make themselves into a whole new person. Sometimes, you have a hard time feeling close to that person, because the fact that they so radically change makes you feel uneasy with them. You don't feel close or as trusting, since you no longer know them. If they were in trouble, you would help, and you always will love them no matter what, but your friendship could have changed. This is especially true to me when someone moves away. I had this happen to me before. To one of my old best friends, who now I can tell you that I love so much, but I just don't know her anymore, not since she moved away and changed, and we were so close. Not as close as me and Tina, but close enough for me to tell almost everything to. Which means a lot comming from such a private person. There were things about me that Tina knows that I would have never told Joelle, but, it doesn't change that we were so tight, and now we aren't. The thought is scary. You can rely on Jehovah because he never changes, just like out Draw Close to Jehovah book says, but people do. It makes me worry sometimes...
I have realized that I write a lot, more than most people in a single day. This is interesting to me but makes me think that it would be impressive if anyone would be able to just sit down and read very much of my ramblings. I know one person does, and that is really nice, they have even commented how I have changed about what I write about for the positive. This is a great thing because when I write about the good stuff, I often forget about the truly not so great things that happen in life. As fun as this was to write down all my thoughts and little insignificant worries, I am going to need to get off the computer so that I may get ready for bookstudy, I must leave in a few minutes. Goodbye friend,
Continuation of Review   
02:46am 31/03/2004
mood: tired
music: not too sure....
So, I was talking about all the things I had found and was reading... I noticed that through all things, one person remained a constant and that was Nick. Its weird but in every situation where things were starting to change, he was there and we all got his take on things. It is as though he would come out of the woodwork and have some kind words and some sort of advice, and I wish we all still had him here. If he had stayed around, things would have been interesting to see from his view. That was all I had to add, so goodnight friend.
     Read 2 - Post
Review Time   
12:46pm 30/03/2004
mood: nostalgic
music: Missing You
Last night I was going through all kinds of old e-mails and saved Instnt messages and it fascinated me how far from who we were we have all come. It seems strage to read all those text messages between me and Nick and that we were friends for a while there, but now we never talk and I am not soposed to talk with him. Tina and I have changed a lt, and because of this our friendship has changed a lot as well. We used to never fight or argue and we were so much nicer than we are now. We looked out for each other's feelings above our own. Things were a lot smoother than they have been in the recent past. I also went through all the e-mails and Instant Messages between Dustin and I and I sort of re-learned a lot about our former relationship. I re-learned a lot about myself, things I had forgotten, because all of that reading inspired me to read my old journal and sort of see how I have developed as a person. oops gotta go write more later!!!!! Bye!
Not Feeling Up to Par Today...   
11:00pm 28/03/2004
mood: lethargic
music: 100 years
So today I missed meeting and had to cancel on my spanish students today. I hated having to do it, but I am so not feeling well.
To add to everything today, I was sort of mean to my best friend, sorry Tina! You should have gone to Ann Arbor without me.
My dad was talking about putting the old ancient barely running computer in my room, which I am so excited about! In my opinion an old barely working computer is better than no computer at all, he was just going to throw it out, but there is NO WAY I would let that happen.
So lately I have been thinking a lot about marriage and about relationships in general. You see, almost my whole family is worldly, and all my female cousins that I grew up with have already been living with guys for a long time. It makes my family wonder about me and what must be wrong with me that no guy is living with me or why I am not even dating. In their opinion, there are a ton of great guys out there. In all seriousness though, I think it would be nice to be married and all, but I think it will be a while. I am twenty years old right now. I was just at a wedding shower where the bride and groom are both younger than me and that has kind of set me to thinking. Do you think I will ever find someone to be with? I mean, I personally don't think that I deserve to have anyone or anything, I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, and I still have some things about myself that I am trying desperately to change. I just wish that sometime someone would come along. In the opinion of my family, my standards are too high, this is comming from people who don't really care if the guy has a job, is very social, is polite, or anything. As long as he isn't doing drugs or beating me then he is fine with them. Do guys think about this kind of stuff as often as girls do? I am beginning to think they do.
Kudos to Al, he is an excellent brother and we are so lucky to have him in our hall, the same goes for Lyle and also Greg. We are so blessed to have such great elders, actually Kudos to all the elders for the most part because of how well most of them have dealt with everything that has been going on in our hall the past few months. Also kudos to Mike for checking up on me. Thank you Jehovah for all of these fine elders you have given us!
Question of the day: Should I chop off my long hair and get a trendier look for myself? We are talking SHORT..... Still trying to decide!!
Lost two more pounds today! Giddy-up! So excited and surprised considering I have been cheating a lot on that low carb diet a lot lately. It makes my body feel good though, maybe because of all the weight I am losing or because of the fact that I am eating better than I ever have. I am not sure! But I love it!
I want to get a bunch of people together and have a formal night and go to the Fisher Theater in Detroit or something. That would be so much fun! We are talking suits and gowns, it would be great! We never have an excuse to get that dressed up! It would be great!
I have been thinking of trying to find a way to pioneer for the month of May or August, but I am not sure I can do it. I work all day and have to to pay bills with. Well, I'll keep praying to Jehovah about it. Maybe something will happen and I will be able to do it.
Note to Tina: You were right about the watchtower lesson today! Wow... Would have been a touch weird to have commented on a few of those paragraphs! How was the public talk today? I forgot to even ask when I last talked to you, of course I was sort of in a fog all day, and I kind of am now too come to think of it... lol, anyway, I am going to stop writing right now and find my inhalor and some tylenol and anything else I can find to help make all this go away, Goodnight to anyone who reads this!
Kalie Or as some people say "K" <-- wink wink!! You know who you are...
St.Patricks day and Tessa Owens   
11:05am 18/03/2004
mood: okay
music: oddly enough: Hillary Duff : Comming Clean
Being that I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I do not celebrate holidays. So yesterday, I was walking around trying to figure out why everyone was wearing green. I totally forgot about St. Patricks day. I realized it was a holiday only when I listened to my car radio and heard an announcer say (with a drunken slur) "hey come on down to Pub 13 in Ipsilani! We're getting tipsy in Ipsy! If you can get out of work and get your boss to come party with us we'll give you-" tired of listening to the drunken woman, I started channel surfing. I don't really understand the draw of alcohol to people. Even some of the young ones in the truth. Its sad how dependent on it people become and it never answers the questions that arise from any of one's problems.
I am writing a book. I don't know if I have mentioned it in here or not. It is a young reader's book for kids about 12 or so. It is going to be a mystery book, in which these two girls so something wrong, they enter into an old abandoned mental institution which closed very suddenly about ten years ago. They start trying to figure out why it closed and find a series of files with little messages hidden in them. They will also find small hidden clues in patient rooms. Something was going amiss with the institution and they were about to be found out, so instead of doing that, they shut down. They sent patients free who still needed medical attention, and the criminal cases they moved to the nearby state mental institution. My two main characters have only just met but admire different qualities in each other. It is the promise of a great new friendship and my protagonist, is learning from her new friend how to stand up for what she believes in. I want to talk to Susan and Jim about some of the medical terms I will need to familiarize myself with. They are professional nurses so they can lend me a hand with a few things. It is sort of odd to me that I chose to write a mystery book this time around, simply because I don't usually read them myself, the suspense gets to me too much and then I cannot actually sleep because I have to know the ending to feel safe again. Its awful. When I started this book, I didn't know that it would be a mystery, all I knew was that I had a very artistic character, Tessa Owens, and I wanted her to have a homelife that was sad and hard to deal with, she would take care of herself and her father. Her mother died, and her father seemed to have given up on life in general, turning to alcohol, as a sort of relief from his problems. By the end I want her to be able to confront her father and to help him to make the needed change, perhaps she will start this off by eliminating all the alcohol from the house. I am still not sure. Then, I remembered reading all about the Clinton Valley Center which was an old mental institution that they suddenly closed several years ago. They just tore it down, but there were all kinds of underground tunnels and things in it and there were some very odd things happening there. So I researched it thinking someday I would use the information and I have been! Who would have guessed a year ago when I was searching out every bit of information I could about it, that it would turn itself into a book. The book is moving slowly, maybe I will have more time to write in it when classes are over for spring semester. It really is a fun book to write, mostly because I think I have the motivation now to get it finished. Plus, the story unfolds more and more as I write, so we will see. The other thing about it that I have been wondering about is whether or not to use my real name if I get it published. I was thinking of taking my name Kari Ann S_____ and sort of rearranging it to be Ann S. Kari for the name, that way I won't be bringing a lot of attention to myself if I ever do by some miracle get it published and people like it. I have only published a couple things in my lifetime. I had a short story that was published by the Detroit Free Press and a poem that was put into a book about modern day poetry and they also notified me no too long ago that they wanted to put it on a cd with it being read and music playing in the background. I didn't get the notice in time to respond so that never ended up happening. They did invite me to the national poets society convention thingy or something, but for financial and convenience reasons, I didn't go all the way out to Washington D.C. to do it. I want something more to come of my writing though. The more I am away from my beloved Spanish classes, the more English classes I keep taking because I truly love them. If my parents would let me I would want to become an English majoy instead of a Spanish major. But what am I going to do with an English degree anyway? I guess I could teach or something... who knows. But I will stick to Spanish and see where I go from there. Maybe if I get a decent job with it, and if I have enough free time (which I doubt) I could devote some time to writing. We'll have to wait and see about it. anyway, that is all I have for now. Thanks for listening.
Poem for Class   
10:42am 16/03/2004
mood: stressed
I am stressing out. I have to type and send a paper that is about five pages long today. It has to be about a poem from our book, of which there are hundreds to choose from. I have found one but I don't know if I should use it. There is nothing wrong with it, but I am not sure that I would be comfortable talking in detail about it. But it fascinates me because of the softness of the desriptions and the imagry. It is as if you can see everything and be there. The reason I am uncomfortable talking about it is because it is an Aubade or morning after poem. He is describing the girl not the night, and also describing the morning. But I don't know... It is still an aubade and for that I don't know if I should use it. hmmm..... Well, off to see about finding another suitable poem I guess.
I'll be back to write more later,
Good night, time to sleep!   
12:01am 16/03/2004
mood: sleepy
music: Same one as before
Just typing one last entry for the day and then heading off to bed...
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to never have a negative thought in your head? It would be such a surreal life. I mean you would be happy about everything, or at least content. I guess we sometimes let ournegative thoughts get the best of us if we aren't careful. And sometimes its the lack of thoughtfulness that drives us into problems. For example, if you are thinking of what is best for you, it may be bad for someone else, or visa versa. How do you equally benefit everyone? That is a battle I still try to fight a lot.
Anyway, moving on. Tomorrow is Tuesday (or maybe today is, what time is it anyway?) and it is going to be a long day. I am soposed to type up a huge massive paper for English tomorrow morning, so we will see how that goes! I haven't even started! It was due today, but my prof allows us one grace day without any questions or penalty. Thank goodness! I had forgotten all about it is what happened. Oh well, Kudos to grace days!!!
Before I turn in for the night I want to say one last thing, that is this: Tina, thank you for comming back, I couldn't have kept going without you! You are always there for me and its great to have the real you around again. I missed it and I also atribute most of my good mood lately to that. I am happy to see you like you used to be. I love ya hon.
I am sending out one big hug to all the brothers and sisters out there, I hope you are all at least as happy as I am today. But not as sleepy!!!! Goodnight!
Hello dear friend   
09:45pm 14/03/2004
mood: happy
It has been so long since I have written anything worthwhile. I have been through a lot in the last several months. So please forgive me. I have many of my once public entries private now or completely gone. I normally don't believe in removing things from a journal because journals measure how we all grow as people over time, but I allowed myself the exception this once. You see, all my life my journals have always been friendly places where I will hold my heart on the lines of the paper I wrote on, but for a while, my life hasn't been the same happy and friendly place it used to be. A lot of it has been because of a battle with depression that I have been dealing with. I never thought that I, Kari, would have to ever deal with such a thing, because I was always so upbeat and happy all the time. But over the last few years even, I have begun to notice changes in my mental and physical health. Physically I have had many problems which was only recently diagnosed as Poly cystic Ovary Disease. I have been having awful pain in my abdomin a lot over the years, and so my doctor put me on birth control to help out with some of my girl problems. Well, something is not right with the medicine she gave me because I am now having more serious girl problems (ie periods that come each month but instead of lasting 5 days, they are lasting 3 weeks). And I still feel all the pain I felt before. This may mean I have cysts on my ovaries, which, I guess means that I will have to have surgery to remove them. The other thing about all this, is that because of a hormonal imbalance from my Poly Cystic Ovary Disease, I have and still do have to deal with manic depression which often time goes hand in hand with the disease. So that is where my depression problems are comming from. There have also been a lot of things going on in my personal life that were just sad and not very encouraging. We are having a lot of problems in our Hall and I have had to be one of the ones to talk to the elders about a lot of it because I was one of three people who found out about some situations. There is a lot more to it and also things involving those who were in trouble retaliating against me and my best friend Tina in a ver vicious way, but I prefer not to think of it. I just feel sorry for those ones who are in trouble right now, because unless they truly draw closer to Jehovah they will never find true happiness and that is just very sad.
So far this has been a very depressing entry, but I owed you an explaination for my lack of writing for so long and it is a journal so when I hit my lows it is okay to talk a little about it as long as I don't let myself dwell on it.
What I really want to talk about is how over the last week or so I have been changing. Changing back into the spiritually upbeat and happy Kari that I used to be before all this happened. Its been so long since I have been on such a high! I am studying more and meditating more, I am reading my Bible every day again, and most of all, drawing closer to Jehovah. I am becomming so happy all over again. Its wonderful. anyway, I am going to go now, good night dear friend,
The Itch...   
05:45am 02/09/2003
mood: I feel like the old me again!!
music: Can't Get You Outta My Head by Kylie Monogue
Okay. That's it! I have got the bug. The Itch. I HAVE to travel! It is as simple as that. After all this time now, I have thought that I had lost my desire to do it, but I have got myself psyched. It hit me tonight. I was laying in bed, not able to sleep. I closed my eyes and the Horizon came into my mind. The fun that trip was. Gosh! It was that simple! It was like, I sat up, put on my glasses, wandered up here to the computer, and sat down to look at the cruise itenerary my friend looked at. I wanted to know more about where we were leaving from etc.. And I knew then and there, I need to go on a trip.
The Itch is as simple as it sounds. It is just like a fish needs water to live. I need travel to live. I thought for a while there that I was through with my friend the Itch. But no, I was merely distracted. Even when I had it determined that I was going to be done with most travel due to the person I was dating at the time, I had at the end of out relationship begun to feel it. This slight dull pull feeling at my heartstrings. It was like a longing that couldn't be recognized. And lately it had been getting stronger, until tonight, well, it all out hit me and I had gotten the Itch.
It really is a horrible thing to be plagued with. But at the same time wonderful if you can manage to save up the means to do something to satisfy it. It is never completely satisfied, you must just pasify it with a trip here and a trip there, but I have found that if you take a few trips a year, it is very easy to live with. It goes in a cycle. It is the beginning of fall which is when I have typically for the past several years of my life been planning a trip. And I know I need to start planning now! I can't handle sitting at home this winter, I know I need to go somewhere. It would be nice to go somewhere in April as well, but that is still a while off. we'll see where that takes us. But yes, a trip is what I need. As horribly spoiled as that sounds its true. And I don't think the Itch has anything to do with being spoiled at all by the way. No, I think some people are just born with this built in clock that tells them that they need to be going somewhere, and I am one of those people. I would love to travel right now to anywhere, the more exotic and exciting the better! The bigger the trip, the longer my Itch is satisfied. It will always rear its head up at me at least twice a year, in the winter and in the spring, but it tends to want to get started for both seasons at the very first inklings of fall. September counts as fall, and look, tonight was the first day of September and its now the second day. In my book, September is fall and my clock is going off like crazy. I want to go somewhere! And a cruise is what sounds awesome to me! They are perfect because you chill out by the pool and dance at night and lounge around during the day, and then you hit the ports of call and you tour around a new place every day or two! Its wonderful! I like that some evenings some of them have formal nights, so you can dress up like you are going to a ball! And they have movies, and discos and theatre's at night, with clubs and bars, pool lounges, etc and night and the ocean breeze...oh! its wonderful! And there is the sea stretching out for miles around you reflecting the moonlight and there is no light polution so you can see the stars better than anywhere! During the day you see dolphins playing by the front of the ship and flying fish as you chill out at the pool on the main deck and listen to steal drums playing all the coolest music! And the dinner time is amazing because its always a little fancy and there is always surprise. Though it will never be the same with out my Ali friend, I will miss him immensely! sigh... But maybe someone new? I hope?
I have been hit BADLY!!!!! I really have! I am going to go back to bed and read a book about a cruise so I can pretend and imagine I am there snorkeling and having fun!!!! Good night/morning!
Brief entry (pathetic)   
11:04pm 18/06/2003
mood: exhausted
I am just writing to say hi because I haven't been able to write lately. I will write more in a week or so whenever things settle down around here. I miss my friend!! Later,
All About Me   
03:56pm 05/06/2003
mood: artistic
music: Enya: Sail Away
I am just writing here to say that I am so proud of myself! I really am! I got word from a company who wants to publish my poem! I sent it in to a contest and they want to publish it now! Isn't that cool? I thought so too! Its my "eyes" poem on my QUIETONE blurty. The first one I put on there. Its one of two poems that all my classmates always wanted to know what it was about, well, its my little secret. No one knows what its really about, except my best friend may know if I ever thought to tell her. You would be surprised! Anyway, I am excited that they are putting it into a poetry compilation book. Its even copyrighted in my name and everything. Only a few people know about this though, so you are ahead of things!
I have actually been obsessively writing poetry lately. Its like old times! I am writing almost everyday and always thinking of new things to write! I love it! I used to want to be a writer, but some people (my parents) told me that I wouldn't make much at it probably and that I should lean towards something a little more reasonable and stable. Still, I love to write and my english grades are unbeatable! I've always aced english classes. I would like to be a writer still. But also many other things. Here are some of the things that are on my list of things I would like to be: A teacher, writer, singer (professionally), trumpet player (professionally), French horn player (professionally), poet, song writer, music arranger, traveler, photographer, computer expert, mom, wife, painter, sculpter, artist of any kind, restaurant owner, bookstore owner, architect, pricess, editor, food critic, movie critic, literary critic, speaker, actress (movies, on stage, tv shows, anything), live on a farm, whine expert, vinyard owner, student, kid, baby-sitter, resident of europe, language expert, reader, playwrite, person who writes scripts for movies, director, lawyer, and most importantly of all, servant of Jehovah. One thing that I already am and am proud of is a Dreamer,
Talk to you later,
     Read 1 - Post
10:27pm 20/05/2003
mood: happy

Ryan Stiles

Which 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' actor are you!?
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10:16pm 18/05/2003
mood: worried
music: U2
Hello friend!
Things are going great for me today except that I cannot be with my best friend. I was told that I can go to the water park thing with her and her uncle and everyone else if Steak n Shake does not schedule me for work during that time. Dad said I couldn't go if they did because I need to show up so they give me better hours. They also said that I could not request time off because I have been working so hard trying to get hours that if I requested more time off now James would kill me. So, I will pray that they don't make me work.... Please don't make me work James, I know I just told you that I could work monday nights and tuesday during the day, but please don't schedule me for those days next week!!! PLEASE!!!!
A Brand New Poem I wrote Today with a new picture too   
03:06pm 12/05/2003
mood: crushed
music: Electric Blue Eyes
To see the picture go to "post" and you can see it. I also have another Blurty out there and its "quietone" and its just for my poetry. Usually a poem goes into there before here and there is one that is there that isn't in here at all. So you could check it out if you wanted to....hint hint.....
Now for my poem:

For my lost "little sister"

The Dove of Peace

To think of you stops all other thought
you've hurt your self and me
Though now some time for you I've bought
Yet, enough it won't seem to be.

To lose you will cause much sadness,
so please always stay
I've known you forever dear friend
and I can't handle things this way.

I hate that I cannot help you
you know for years I've tried
I've just run out of things to do
and all the tears I've cried.

You say you don't want to hurt me
but can't you plainly see?
With all these things you're doing,
You're just destroying me.

With you goes part of my heart
and my best wishes too
I'd hoped we'd never part
but now its up to you.

I can't hold you up anymore
you've got to do this alone now
and though it makes my heart so sore
Its your fight and I can't tell you how.

You've always had me close to you
And there I'll always be
But with all these things you do
Its killing me to see.

You're like my little sister
I'll always look out for you
But you're like a twister
as out of control you blew.

Know that for you there's always love
Of my life you'll always be a part
Consider peace to be a dove.
And may that dove find your heart

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