09:10am 14/11/2004
mood: my favorite mood
music: various stuff, I love music
because of several recent events and thoughts, I will soon be making a new journal completely unrelated to this one, containing my more personal and I suppose "heavier" thoughts. as it is an (extremely) personal journal and since it would prolly be in the best interest to keep it semi-private in order to protect myself and those involved, I am not linking it to here. however b/c there are some out there who "get" me, and also b/c I still believe some of the information contained within it is vitally important to another, I will give clips or links as I see fit to whoever asks. just making you all aware of it, and that's all I'm going to say.

on to more trivial matters.

what else should I talk about but music. (and yes I am all too aware of the personal aspect of it, but I figure this is one that can be handled on a more mainstream basis). did the concert thing twice recently, which of course for those of you who know me is a religious experience in and of itself. concert 1: opiate, twisted method, and dope. took the greyhound up to jacksonville for this one, I like jack rabbits b/c it gives a very intimate feeling which is always great for the music experience, I do believe the lead singer of dope made a similar comment. one thing I've observed about dope is that there aren't many people who've really sat and listened to them, but all who have are fanatical. at least from what I've seen. 2 (might be 3?) concerts in jacksonville, all at jack rabbits, all attended by the same fans. band 1: opiate. ben, tell me, has skyliner played with them before? b/c I swear I've heard them, I just don't know where. they were pretty cool, I liked their songs. band 2: twisted method. yay. I didn't realize until I saw them go onstage that I've heard several of their songs, and I've been meaning to get more into them. I suppose now I have the motivation to do it. very very awesome band, I like the songs of course and the band is very charasmatic. I think the lead singer was looking at my boobs though. it might've just been my face was in his crotch, the advantages of standing front row center. lol that's enough of those comments. I would definitely go to see them again, hope they come somewhere near me again. apparently the lead singer is originally from jacksonville (poor thing) so that might be a good sign. on to my main reason for being there, band 3: dope. 2nd time I've seen them, love them to death. second favorite band of all time, so very awesome, best live show that I've ever seen. edsel was not sick this time (lol), not that it had detracted from his performance the first time anyways. got another pick, this time from edsel, he actually played guitar on one of their newer songs. which reminds me, gotta check out one of the new songs, I think it was called "fuck the world" but I don't remember. so 2 picks from 2 different concerts from 2 different members (last one was from virus, I love how very much into the whole performance thing he gets, very very good stage presence. interaction with the crowd and such. oh and I noticed racci shay wasn't wearing a white zombie shirt for once. they played both their cover songs, played a lot of new stuff, played "now or never" which I love, a lot of second cd songs actually, which in my opinion was their best. they also played "sick" which I so was not expecting but it may have been to appease the crowd who kept yelling out "play some old stuff". lead singer for twisted came out and sang with them on "fuck the police" and had a heineken, edsel told him "you're from florida, you know better than to drink beer from a green bottle." (tour sponsored by jagermeister....hmmm....) also someone in the audience was smoking some ummm....stuff.....edsel smells it and goes "what are you smoking out there? pass it up here, I knew I came to the right place!" which would most definitely have not happened at a larger venue. then he's like "don't let the bouncers catch you. the trick is to throw it down and look around like 'what?' the key is to deny everything". oh and later on he used his microphone to break a light that was shining right in his eyes. very rock. they had the same lights in the metal fencing thing they had last year, the drummer got a really cool looking drum set with like the cymbals hanging from a metal circle thing (didn't tommy lee have something like that back in the motley crue days? or somebody). they also had these really cool masks that were like the uncle sam skeleton from felons and revolutionaries. oh yeah and the concert was on election day, usual anti-government tirade which I always enjoy. I also saw the tour bus as it was leaving jack rabbits, at first we thoguht it was the taxi but it was way too big, I looked and I saw the whole band standing inside looking out at us, I think they were amazed someone was out there waiting for them that long. of course I support my bands.
so I'm too sick of writing, I think I'll go on and on about the headbanger's ball concert I saw next time. still recovering from that one, it's a good story, I know you all hang on my every word and find my stories and various band-worshipping fascinating, so it should make for an entertaining piece. my writing and spelling have gone downhill quite a bit so I think I'll stop now.
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11:15am 28/08/2004
mood: pissed and happy
music: sorry this is so long..........
okay, I might delete this later even though I don't like editing myself, we all do it anyways. so, I just heard the funniest thing. see, a very good friend of donnie's told him that he didn't think that me and donnie should get married (or didn't agree with it or something), which of course upset my bf tremendously. Now, for those of you who know me, someone messes with donnie or makes him upset in the least, they get to deal with ME. now see, I may seem like I can't do much, I'm an overly nice person most of the time, but fuck with my own, you're gonna get it. just ask that guy from 11th grade who was 2x my size, or that one girl who is now prolly too afraid to date any men now. it's not that I go looking for trouble, it's just that there are certain limits, and I would do anything to make sure my bf never feels the tiniest bit of pain. anyways, so, my bf was quite upset by this, but he wouldn't let me do anything about it, so I said he should ask what this person meant, maybe it was a misunderstanding, too much pain is started that way anyways. so, this person finally wrote back. and this is why I had to laugh. wanna know what he said? (btw, donnie knows I've read this, and if your the person who wrote it, I'm sorry, but it's no longer something private when it affects 2 people.)
there are a couple of reasons, but the most important one is that *you do not share the same beliefs*. some
people may think that's a relative thing, some people may think 'religion' is just a part of life one should take like a buffet,..let the pseudo intellectuals of the world have their way with that, but don't do it yourself too. cause i'm telling you it's not that way. having as much things in common as possible is extremely extremely important, owever, your spiritual beliefs are the cornerstone. without that as a firm foundation, it's just another flawed human interpreted love relationship that will cast you illusions of it being more important and more meaningful than it is. remember that love is something you are a fool to say you control and you fully understand if you say that. scripture mentions many times that god = love in it's purest form. we have all raped and beaten the idea of
love in the past. love is nothing but a human fantasy, bound by selfish tradition, that dies with the lovers on earth *without* it being through god. don't put yourself through something else that will ultimately be nothing but another temporary situation, another wasted relationship, on this world. love deserves better than that and so do you guys. but that's what it will be if you do not have that spiritual foundation. if you want it to be more than the corpses you see walking mindlessly arm in arm at the mall or the married couple at the resteraunt that doesn't know why they're there anymore or the disgrunted divorcee who has to feel like they can make something of
themselves by 'starting over' ...make sure you have that foundation my friend. otherwise, it is vanity.

wasn't that hilarious boys and girls? now, I'm gonna try to make it through here without making any kind of personal attack, just b/c 1) I don't think it's a very nice thing, and I don't think it would add anything whatsoever, and 2) my BELIEFS prevent me from doing it anyways! okay, so a couple of points here.
A) while a lovely piece of poetic waxing, it really just goes to show that he doesn't know me OR donnie that well after all. not surpriing, considering he hasn't talked to either of us really for a long while now, but still, he did at one point. me and donnie have managed to love each other no matter our differences, just b/c there's small differences in favorite things to do or types of music or certain beliefs, doesn't detract from our relationshp any. if anything, it makes it that much better, b/c it exposes each of us to different things.
B) He doesn't seem to understand donnie's religious beliefs at all. See, donnie is a literalist christian, he believes that the bible is literally true, believes that jesus christ died for our sins, believes god made the world in 7 days, etc. HOWEVER, he is not like most christians (well, I wanna say southern christians, not all denominations or even people are like this, but in general), because he doesn't believe that other religions are wrong, he just believes that they worship god by another name. which means he could care less if I believed in the christian god, cherokee gods, or even a freaking goddess for all he cares, b/c he believes it's ultimately the same expression of the being that gave his son for our sins.
C) those of you who know me, know I'm not your typical person. if you've read my journal at all (or hell, talked to me at all) know that if there is one thing I can't stand, it's a "buffet style" (heck, I like that term better than "cafeteria style" that they use on beliefnet.) religious approach, or any apathy towards religion. if your gonna believe something, you should believe in it with all your heart, whether it's faith or lack thereof. that's also why I'm trying to get away from the "pagan" label as much as possible, b/c too many people get into it without belief, and too many peopel have a "I'll take this god and this one" attitude. I also (shock and awe!) believe that god sent his son (and was jesus himself also) to die for our sins. however, I think of jesus as just one of many, not the be all and end all. (much like muslims believe in jesus as a holy prophet of god, though not the only one.) I also don't limit myself to believing god can be described in a book written by humans, divinely mandated or not. so when I call my self by a religious term (pagan or what have you) I'm not aligning myself with that religion, I just don't want to get bogged down by one title, one set of beliefs, etc.
D)anyone who knows me also knows that I do more to help donnie's religious beliefs, not hinder it. I have never once told him to believe something different, and I never will. if you read my last post, you know that I frequently act as a kind of "spiritual counselor" to him, making him read the bible or giving him lessons on what jesus taught, and yes I do belive in jesus despite what you may think (hell, I mention god several times in my vows) and so I fully read (r-e-e-d) and understand the bible. and donnie does nothing to inhibit my religion either, just helps me with my questions about church theology (I never went to a church since I was 7 really, remember). not that this person was concerned about that, lol.
E)love can survive without religion, though I do agree it can't survive without god's influence. but, if 2 people can't make their relationship work over something like religion, they can't make it work at all. just as if we had differences on, say, how to raise our kids. major differences will not allow the relationship to work. this is why I don't think most people should get married at a young age, b/c they can't fully understand what love means. (ahem.) as far as me and donnie are concerned anyways, ours is already a spiritual union sanctified by god, this is just the party to celebrate that, and fuck anyone who says otherwise. I love donnie and he loves me, and if your god needs us both to be exactly the same, he's not a very powerful god in the first place. god is limitless, remeber? he can transcend small differences.
F) okay, now everyone may not agree with me on this, but it is my personal opinion. to me, to be with someone (or not be with them) based on something as personal and unchangeable as religion, is just as bad as unfounded hatred. it is no different than not going out with someone b/c of their skin colour, only difference is one is on the inside, one is on the outside. fact is, if you can't accept someone b/c of something they can't change, and you can't love them despite of it, then you don't really know what love is, and you don't deserve love. love is an indescribable connection to a person that transcends all differences and brings us closer to god.
okay, so I think I covered everything, that this person really doesn't know me and donnie that well after all, OR OUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, that our beliefs are exactly the same even if our religion isn't (if that makes sense), that we nurture each other in our beliefs, not hinder them, that love (like god) transcends small differences, that me and donnie love each other despite those differences, and that religious bias is the same as racial bias or similar hatred. so thank god all the problem was, was a lack of actually knowing anything about me and donnie, as opposed to my fear that there was a thinking that we weren't right for each other. I love my husband, and nothing can come between us. now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shopping for my WEDDING! hehehe

----------------------------KRISTEN DIANE CALDWELL-MELAUGH-BACK--------------------------------------------------
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03:51pm 24/08/2004
mood: nerdy
music: cradle of filth to drown out my neighbours' music
so I've thought more and more about being like some sort of clergy-person. really, I'd go to seminary school, except that there's no real tradition that I follow fully, and also I don't want to limit myself or the people I help to one religion or set of beliefs. so basically I'm just gonna focus on helping people focus on their beliefs, find out what religion most closely aligns with those beliefs, and most importantly help them to learn more about their faith. basically what a preacher does. unfortunately for my poor boyfriend (soon to be husband who doesn't read this anyways so I can talk about him) he is my little guinea pig to experiment on. he is a literal christian, meaning he belives the bible is literally true. everyone always says, "well how does that work, with you two having differing beliefs," and I tell them, "well, he's also very liberal-thinking," they go, "well, how does that work IN HIS MIND?!" hehe. but you know I like to help him with bible study and everything, just b/c he lets me use him as a guinea pig, and also b/c of work and everything he's not always able to go to churh, and I think he should have an opportunity to grow in his beliefs. plus I like doing research into it anyways. I'm such a dork, I like doing research, I'm extremely religious and questioning at the same time, and I like studying people's beliefs. so basically I'm just trying to help people out, religion-wise, just for the fun of it.
okay, our sermon for today is:....nah I'm just kidding. I did decide the other day that I'm kind of sick of people only doing things for their own gain though. it's kinda sad, it goes on in everything, people do things just to help themselves, and then try to say it's completely selfless. I dunno, I'm not even sure if anything can be done that's completely 100% selfless, but at least it can be done thinking of how it helps others as opposed to yourself first. for example, the other day it was raining really hard, and I saw a boy walking home from school in this rain. I said out loud, "that poor kid, he prolly would like a ride home." so my bf's mom, who was driving us at the time, went and drove up next to him and asked him if he'd like a ride. he was very grateful and everything which is good, but after we left my mother-inlaw started talking about "that was such a good deed, I'm glad we did it." that didn't bother me so much, but when we got to where we were going, she started telling everybody, "I did a good deed, we helped this poor boy, he needed our help." now, I'm glad it made her feel good, good things should be rewarded, but you shouldn't do them for the reward or the bragging rights. it got me to thinking, would she have still done it if se couldn't have the bragging rights? if it was looked down upon to help others, would she have still picked him up? I believe we should do things for others for their benefit, not ours. bragging about it just promotes your own self-importance. I also have a problem with people who do these deeds b/c they think it will get them into heaven or be rewarded by god. not that I don't think it will, I just think it shoudn't be their only motivation to do it. like i said, help somebody b/c they need it, not b/c it helps you. not that I don't believe that god does reward good acts, but I also belive he frowns upon pride. in the bible, god punishes sodom and gomorrah b/c no one will help the disguised angels. personally I belive god comes down in human form often to test us, to see if we really are willing to help others. we are all a part of god either way, so even when you help another person, you are helping god and yourself. but this is just my opinion, that good acts should be done out of true concern for others, not out of concern for yourself or anything. anyways. well, if you didn't like my post, suggest something for me to talk about. it's your own fault for not giving me ideas hehe. no one made you read the whole thing.
doom doom doom   
02:08am 17/08/2004
mood: melancholy
music: I'm gonna sing the doom song now!
okay, so I know I haven;t written anything in awhile...bad infrequent poster! but if I knew people were reading this, I would prolly care to post more. so first the good news, I'm getting married on october 2nd of this year, go me. not so much for myself, I already feel like I'm married as much as me and donnie are in love, more so that everyone else will know it. it'll be a really nice wedding even if I may not get to go on a honeymoon after all. oh and in case you were wondering, we're registed at pier 1 imports, or you can contribute to the "get kristen outta here for her honeymoon!" fund lol. I'm just playing. no seriously, I want out.
so anyways, finally felt like writing b/c I'm in one of my moods again, thinking about the world and how other people feel, too damn empathetic to stay sane for, well, any amount of time. still thinking about the guy I had the dream about earlier, I mean not that there's much to do about the situation, but it's sad I can't resolve it into a happy ending. I hate that.
also thinking about how I can't ever feel mad at people who piss me off with their comments, b/c I know their situation and why they say them. (this may sound vague and confusing, but I'm trying to organize it in my mind without giving away too much.) I was thinking about something that was said not to me, but having to do with me. I absolutely understand this person saying this, but not why they would say it or anything. I mean, I'm way too damn empathetic, I can see other people's situations and feelings, feel their pain and whatnot, so it's hard for me to understand why they can't see what I'm feeling or understand that I feel no ill will towards them, and that i wish only the best for them. honestly, I can say that there is only one person in this world that I harbor any anger towards, and 1) anyone who knows me well enough knows who she is, and 2) I've forgiven it and am working on absolving my anger. I'm a firm believer in the buddhist philosophy that anger only causes pain towards yourself, so I will not let anyone do that to me.
yeah, I'm upset that the other person doesn't understand my feelings towards them (I wish only happiness for them and others) and so I feel upset at their comments. so oh well, I understand maybe why they made them, so I will not let it cause me any grief towards them. can you tell I'm feeling emotional and sappy? I love you all so much, and the world in general. someone called me something the other day, I forget what it was it was some religious term, but it basically means someone who sacrifices their own happiness, good ending, etc. to feel what others feel and help them out towards their own happiness. (if you know what that is, let me know.) sometimes I feel that way, I can never feel bad for my own life b/c of all the pain I see in others. so I feel bad for ALL of thiers. people sometimes ask me, "how do you manage to go on and be happy, when you have so much bad in your life?" and it just seems to me, how do I function with so much sadness in others' lives? I think maybe I picked out this life so no one else would have to take it. sacrifice my happiness to help others find theirs. blast my hippie-ness.
okay, on to slightly less sad things, I've decided to start a website to feature unsigned bands, secretly to get my own stuff exposed, but also b/c I can think of at least 3 different unsigned bands friends of mine are in. if you wanna be on it, lemme know, I've already got 1 person;s band and i still need to ask a certain person who uses "the" in front of his name if he wants to be on it. (you know who you are.) I hate reading other people's poems or song lyrics when I know the stories behind them. it goes back to the whole empathy thing, it's like I'm experiencing what it took to wrote those. makes good music truly awesome, but also makes it hard. that's why I get writers block so often and use such obscure references, I don't want people to feel pain. but then I remeber pain is a catharsis, cleans your soul. so I don't feel nearly so bad inflicting pain on others. LOL!
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04:20pm 03/07/2004
mood: scared, it's lightning
music: I'm practicing singing, cover your ears!
okay, so I have a huge crush on chris pontius. for those of you who don't know who that is, it's the guy who was on jackass and is now on wildboyz (the long-haired one, duh). hehe, I like long hair. plus he;s all muscle-y which I normally don't like but ooh. ( may I remind you it's my journal and I can talk about hot guys all I want, and you can't do anything about it!) add all that to the fact that I just found out yesterday he was in 2 of my favorite pranks on jackass, the #1 being the one where he wore a devil costume and had a sign saying "keep god out of california". that was hilarious, especially when that guy went psycho on him and beat him with his own sign. anyone know where I can get a copy of that please tell me. my second favorite was when johnny knoxville was driving a car and stops to ask various people where he can go to buy some rope, and all of a sudden chris pontius jumps out of the trunk half-naked with his hands tied and duct-tape on his mouth. that was soooo awesome.
my 17 yr. old sister visited the other weekend. she's insane, she scared off the telemarketers on the phone for me. the 11 yr. old will prolly visit after she gets back from her trip. ooh and I hopefully will get to watch donnie's cousins soon, which is cool.
okay so I don't really have much to say. does that surprise any of you? nope? didn't think so. hmmmm.....betcha didn't read the title. there, I mentioned you, you turtle. are you happy? nope? didn't think so. so tomorrow is the 4th of july (I think) so I'm gonna shoot fireworks at my neighbours from the balcony. you know, for that real war-time experience. and if their real, patriotic americans, they'll be damn proud to take a bottle rocket for their country. at least that's what bush says. he told me in my tv. yeah I'm sorry I'm insane. wait no I'm not. yes I am. no I'm not shut up shut up SHUT UP!
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02:23pm 21/06/2004
mood: weird
music: the doors.
oooooh thunder as I type this. anyways, stopped having those dreams, so maybe I've recognized the problem and should start working on it now. too bad I don't know what to do. or maybe I've just been given a short reprieve and the dreams will start again soon. whatever.
okay, for those of you who don't live in jacksonville, the weather here is always fucked up. we go for a month or more of absolutely no rain whatsoever, then all of a sudden it'll do nothing but rain for about a week straight. well, we were in one of those periods of rainfall (still are, if the thunder is any indication) and it was lightning very very close to my house, and I guess that's what caused my phone to go out. it just started making this weird buzzing noise with no dial tone. so we get it fixed (our new phone company kicks ass, they are so nice and don't charge for needless crap) and so I decide to start doing some dishes. anyways, I notice that hey there's water all over the floor. joy, no cleaning dishes for me. so the maintenance people fix it, and all of a sudden (shock and awe!) something else breaks. this time it's the internet, it goes out which basically turns donnie from his normal insane self to a drooling maniac. no internet and no new ps2 games make donnie go crazy. so we finally got that fixed (couldn't tell, could you? hehe). so far nothing else has been broken, with the exception of the baby getting an earache and me almost breaking my foot on the guitar case (turns out b.c. rich warlock bass guitars are heavy, go figure.)
my parents and sisters came to visit me the other day, they took me out to eat and bought me some more furntiure and food for the house. my mom was telling stories from when the 3 of us were little (me and my sisters). and as I like to tell embarassing stories, I will share them.
elizabeth was by far the worst. then again, she grew up with 2 much older sisters, so she was born thinking she was already a teenager. there was this one time when my cat had 2 kittens, my sister decided the kittens needed a bath. with carpet cleaner. luckily, I caught her as she was spraying them down, and rinsed them off as best as I could, but to this day my mom swears thats the reason why one of the kittens was a pyscho menace. there was also the time my sister took a bunch of cardoboard tubes from a box of tampons (don';t worry, they weren't used) put them on her fingers, and ran around saying "look at my pretty fingernails!" needless to say, me and erica were laughing so hard my mom had to explain to my sister what those things were actually for. she also used to use every bit of my mmo's lipstick and nailpolish as crayons for the wall, moreso than most children do. natural artistic instinct and all that. she actually painted the dog's toenails, which I wanna know how a 6 year old can hold down a 100 lb. oversized boxer long enough to paint his nails. amazing. I also walked into the bathroom one day to find her with a razor in one hand and lines going straight down her face from the top of her head to her chin, and her giggling like crazy. apparently she had decided she wanted to shave her face like daddy and in doing so had pressed hard enough to make lines on her face and shave off her eyebrows, but still had not cut herself. now that's talent.
erica was the best child of us all. she never really made much trouble, but of course she made up for that tenfold when she became a teenager. all I could think of was that when she was little she wanted to grow up to be either a UPS driver, a dinosaur, or a boy. she even had her hair cut like a boy's hair when she was in preschool, though she swears she said barbie (prolly out of embarassment).
I was a terror child, mostly b/c I had a sister 2 years younger than me. I tried to throw her out the window of our house one time, but fortunately architects in california know that no child can climb out of a one story window that's a couple feet off the ground, much less push her baby sister out of it. I also sat on my sister when she was on the couch and told my mom I couldn't find her (she wasn't hurt then either.) I personally remember one time when I had a babysitter, and I decided I wanted to hise from her, so I hid behind the door in the bathroom and neither she nor her friends could find me. they were running down the street, calling the cops, and even systematically checking each room and shutting doors to each room checked. just goes to show you, look behind all doors, even if they're open. I am the hide and seek champ. there was also the time my sister and I were playing and I told my mom my sister had said the f-word. when my mom asked me what f-wprd she had said, I told her "she said 'STUPID'!". what do you expect? I was 4. also, when I was little, I would constantly get bitten by ants. one time when I was still in san diego, I was outside playing with erica nad my best friend, when all of a sudden i came into the house, not screaming, but going "ow, ow, ow". I went into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me, and when I came out I had band-aids crisscrossed all over my ankles, one on each individual ant bite. ain't I cute?
oh yeah, and I know have the coolest message on my answering machine, I can't wait untill someone like donnie's grandmother calls and hears it. I won't tell you what it is, but if you ask me I'll give you my phone number (if you don't have it already) and I'll let you hear it. it's even better than what I do to scare telemarketers, which is scream "he's got a knife! what the fuck are you doing in my house! AAAAH-click". hehe.
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02:07pm 30/05/2004
mood: Everything
music: For once, I'm too numb to do anything but think.
PLEASE IGNORE MY LAST POST. or at least don't take offense to it. I apologize for what I said, now that I re-read it I realize how extremely offensive it was, I'm sorry for that. At the time I wrote it, I was in the middle of a very bad situation which made me hate myself, and that's why I felt the need to say what I said. I didn't mean a lot of it, nor to the extent that it seems. so to anyone who may have been offended, I'm sorry, though I will be leaving it unedited, as it's an expression of how I felt at the time. I am sorry.
Now, I've been going though some self-realization lately, and I don't/do like it very much. I've been having several intense dreams lately, and just by my own nature and the nature of the dreams, I belive they're trying to tell me something. They've all centered around one particular person, though I didn't know who it was until I saw his face last night (which is very significant for me, seeing as how I never see faces, much less human ones in my dreams). Now, in the interest of not getting myself into trouble, i won't say who this person is, but I will say it's someone I consider to be my friend, and someone who I've always felt a connection to, whether he knows it or not. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I've realized that maybe there's something more to this connection than I've previously thought. I know it's crazy, but I want my relationship to him to be more than it is, though I know that A) it'll prolly never happen, and B) he prolly doesn't feel that way and would be freaked out if he knew what I've been thinking lately. I'm embarassed just at the thought of how it seems. It's just that, I've been contemplating about it, and maybe we're supposed to be closer than we are now, if someone outside of the whole thing looked at it, they would wonder why not, I wonder that myself. god, I feel so stupid b/c of this.
So I'm just gonna leave it at that, I would love for someone to help me with this, but as it is, I don't have the courage to do it myself right now, though I want to more than anything and maybe will, eventually, hopefully. Right now, I'm gonna leave it up to him seeing this, or him actually feeling the same way and telling me himself. either way, it's up to fate for now, and if it doesn't happen, I'll learn to live with it, I just dont want to ruin anything right now by saying too much.
If you think it's you, it's prolly not, but ask me if you think it could possibly, or even if you don't b/c if you don't that means it probably is you. lol makes no sense I know, but oh well. Also, anyone who can help me, I would appreciate it so very much, you have no idea, please leave me a reply or tell me that you can.
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06:35am 29/05/2004
mood: cynical
music: corporate avenger once again (listen you'll know why)
So lately I've become more despondent about religion. Considering how important this subject is to me, that scares the hell out of me. I have lately been led to believe that there may not be very many people who are honestly dedicated to the pursuit of truth, but merely use their religion as a vehicle for hate, a weapon against a supposed threat, or as an excuse to put down others. I'm thinking of people in mainly 2 religions right now, though not all adherents and certainly not the only 2 who do this, and it's prolly not the ones your thinking of. (though if you ask me I will explain further.) I'm finding lately that more and more people don't actually believe in their religion of choice, they just believe in the opposite of "the others". this leads to some amazing parodies and copying of each other that if they stood back, they would see the similarites. I have my own beliefs, certainly, but I don't proclaim them as the right way, as I'm not sure of that myself. I'm on as much of a journey as the rest of us (or at least as much as we should be) and am willing to adapt my beliefs to new ideas as they come along. all I ask is to be respected for this, not degraded and put to shame.
And this doesn't just happen to me or to one group of people, either. I have no problem with celebrating your religion, just keep in mind that even seemingly innocuos (sp?) things may be more offensive than you'll know. For example, I worked in a grocery store where we had a variety of customers on a daily basis. Every holiday the phrase "merry christmas" or "happy easter" would greet our customers, even as the person paid for their menorah candles and such. I realize these are innocent mistakes, but honestly, if I went around wishing everyone a happy beltaine or a blessed ramadan etc. etc. wouldn't the vast majority of those wishing a merry christmas be offended? all I ask is that you keep this in consideration.
Also, more people than you would think often choose to proselytize to me while I work. while I am happy for their dedication to their beliefs and that they have found their true path, I find it very uncomfortable to be pressured in this way while at work, b/c of the fear of not offending both the customer and making my boss angry. I have no problem with them sharing their beliefs with others, but at the same time, realize that not everyone believes like this and find this kind of situation uncomfortable. I've had to hide my beliefs in this situation several times, though it pains me to do so.
One more point: don't automatically assume that not everyone is christian. For example, while at work a man came through my bf's line. he had a rather interesting pin, and my bf asked what it was. the man explained to him that it was a gideon torch, which was fine there, but no joke the man then pulls out a tiny bible and goes "This is a bible. it is the word of god.....etc." now, for those of you who don't know my bf, he is a christian and very dedicated to his belief in jesus. trust me, he knows what a bible looks like. **I** know what a bible is, and I'm not christian. Also, don't assume the only reason I don't believe in your religion is b/c I just don't know anything about it. I am a spiritual counseler and have studied in depth more religions than most people are aware exist. I have read the bible more times than I can count, the koran, the bhagavad gita, and so on. they all have their points both good and bad, and while I believe they are all right in their ways, they are not right for me.
okay since it's obvious what one of the main groups I find offensive (and remember, it's not ALL of these groups, or exclusive to them) the other one is wicca, which may surprise some of you who know me. what I don't like is the practitioners of this faith who go out of their way to decry christianity, then use revised editions of christmas carols and hymns as "pagan carols", and also those who claim christians surpress them, then turn around and mock christian beliefs. Also, if you've read one of president bush's recent interviews, he states about islam that "I think what we're dealing with are people -- extreme, radical people -- who've got a deep desire to spread an ideology that is anti-women, anti-free thought, anti-art and science, you know, that couch their language in religious terms. But that doesn't make them religious people." now, I may be leaning a little left here, but doesn't that bring to mind certain recent wars and the reasons for them? just a thought. (I swear, pat robertson runs this country, not gerorge w. bush. [not to seem derogatory...I absolutely adore pat robertson b/c he's dedicated his life to studying his religion])
In closing, I'd like to remind you all that ONCE AGAIN, I have NO problem with any of these religions (in fact I admire all of them, christianity, wicca, islam, you name it), or the believers of them. what I don't like is the select few who choose to use religion as a weapon whether than a tool.

oh, and for those of you wondering, I'm kemetic. hehe never woulda guessed that even if you knew what that was. look it up or ask me.
does this dress make me look fat?   
08:47am 26/05/2004
mood: listless
music: whatever launchcast has decided for me
okay, so, to make up to my millions of male readers out there, I will now talk about boobs. I dunno why, just want to talk about them. now, what I can't understand is why chicks with a huge rack (C, D, triple I, etc.) talk about how they wish they had bigger tits. come on now! filling your chest with saline or silicone will not make up for the space in your head, just ask britney spears. for those of you who don't know, your tits are big enough if they're larger than your head. trust me, you don't need to get any bigger. if you've ever watched any of the daytime talk shows at one point or another (doesn't matter which one, they all talk about the same thing eventually) you'll know what I mean. no joke, I once saw a woman on there with an "M" cup size. before then, I had no idea they could go that high. this woman looked like she had stuffed larger-than-regulation-size basketballs into her shirt. I kept expecting shaquille o'neal to come out and slam dunk her chest or something. the amount of saline that was used in those things could keep her from ever needing an IV drip.
this has led me to a new theory concerning miss america competitors. you see, I, like many people I know, have been led to believe these were the girls next door, though never anywhere near where I've lived, that's for sure. but i realized something. not only do these women have cup sizes that reach farther into the alphabet than most of them have memorized, but they also wear high heels so ridiculously high that even professional stilt walkers are weary. which has led me to this conclusion: miss america contestants and supermodels are actually a separate breed of humans that if they were in normal circumstances, they would all lean dangerously backwards. kind of like that sean lennon video (as if anyone knows what the hell I'm talking about). very very far back, 45 degree angles when standing straight. so you see why you shouldn't be upset with these poor women, they're just trying to stand up straight for once in their lives, hence all the top-heavy weights and such.
now, many of you are prolly thinking the reason I say this stuff is b/c I'm jealous. well your right. but I have a right to be, I'm not complaining of a C being too small, I would kill for a C. actually, I've had a friend of mine willing to donate a portion of her bust size (sorry, I'm running out of synonyms for "breasts") to me. so thanks to people like her, the smaller of us will not be going on and on for several paragraphs about big chests much longer. besides, to quote some comedian I saw, "they're not small. they're exquisite rare miniatures."
another thing i can't stand about women is how they complain about everything. honestly. I mean, they complain about tomb raider being a sexist video game, b/c it depicts a woman with increasingly large body parts which would most assuredly get in her way where she actually weilding automatic weapons. what these women need to keep in mind is the impossibly high standards video games create for men as well. I mean, dear god, look at duke nukem! no guy looks like that! at least not with steriods, and certainly not one that can put his arms close enough together to reload a shotgun. so don't complain about little girls having to live up to the standard of beauty and agility that tomb raider presents, for the boys have the standard of huge muscles and sexism that every other video game presents.
I also wish women wouldn't nag about the toilet seat left up. what the hell's the point of it? if they would take all their energy they use to nag the men and actually put it down themselves, the world would be a quieter, er, better place. And might I point out that the reverse doesn't happen, men don't complain about women leaving the toilet seat down. they just lift it and move on. or splash it about everywhere, depending on what mood they're in. But I garantee you no woman has ever been forced to sleep on the couch after a day of stony silence from their husband when they left the toilet seat down. and if anyone can provide me with documented proof of it actually happening, I will never write in this journal again. and before you begin celebrating, remeber that it ain't gonna happen.
okay, now that I've successfully alienated my many female readers (ha, there's less of them than there are males anyways), I do believe I will it up to you to post comments on my raging anti-feminism. go on, you know you want to.
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09:18pm 22/05/2004
mood: blah
music: I'm in a corporate avenger mood
yes I haven't written in quite a long time. no, it's not my fault. it's your fault. why should I write in here if no one bothers to read it? but I'll continue to write in it more often, hopefully more people will read it if I write every day (or most days). I've decided I have a huge crush on chris pontius (you know, the guy from wildboyz and jackass). I think my tastes in guys are changing. typically, I like guys with long hair (which yes this guy does have), who are skinny, pale, and usually "gothic". not to say I don't find guys w/ characteristics other than those attractive, it's just these are my main vices. lately though, I've been attracted to guys who are more muscular (though I still hate too many muscles.) also, older guys, though I've sworn off dating guys more than a couple years older than me. that's not to say I wouldn't do johnny depp though lol. (I still think it's funny he's older than my own mother.)
okay, ow that I've successfully gotten rid of my male audience (j/k, I don't have an audience!) on to other things. now that I have a wealth of free time after losing my job (though it's still not quite clear to me on whether I was fired or quit), I've been looking to find some meaningful things to do with my life. then I realized you have to have a life to make it meaningful. so I went to watch tv. j/k. I dunno what I'm gonna do for a job, I need a job I enjoy though, otherwise I might as well sit on my ass all day. it's not so much a matter of money, (donnie claims he doesn't mind supporting the both of us and in fact would rather do that than have me lose my legs due to bloodclots or something worse), it's more a matter of I get bored extremely easily and feel the need to take it out on others. for now I'm making things to put on ebay, but I still feel inadequate in my artistic ability (though I need not be from what I'm told). this is the same reason i haven't really been working on my music as often as I should. I'm still on my journey for the "right" religion for me, though I've become so disillusioned with the whole thing I'm very close to declaring myself agnostic and being done with it. any suggestions for religions I might find suitable are greatly appreciated, though I've studied nearly every one. I still want to be a spiritual counselor, but I need people to counsel. (I'm also offering my services in this area, if your interested, tell me. )
I may put more poems and such up on my journal if I find enough of an interest in them. I don't think anyone really understood what my last poem was about, I may provide clues for those interested. I like poetry. it exercises my musical abilities with the least amount of effort. lol.
suggestions, comments, anything really is welcome, even if you just want to say I suck or something I don't mind, I'm so desperately lonely! hehe. just write something if you read this, or even if you don't.
oh and brandon is the sexiest guy in the world! I say this b/c he's the only one who reads this on a regular basis.
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um I dunno   
03:51pm 24/02/2004
mood: lazy
music: hopefully soon it will be orgy, or tantric
yay! today kids, I will introduce you to a little thing called filler. it's used in these times when, for no reason whatsoever, a person is bored and wants to fill up space with meaningless drivel. yay! anyways......
so yeah, I've determined that no reads these things I write. I could give the meaning of life here and no one would know it except me! isn't that great? oh yeah, by the way, it's a noun, it means a state of being or existing......oh. well anyways, I'm only bored b/c I have no new music to listen to. I been listening to my corporate avenger cd over and over, so I'm kinda full of the political-religious music right now. and all the songs on the h.i.m. cd are kinda sounding the same I played it so much, plus it's not as fun w/o the lead singer's pretty face to watch, hehe. I'm s'posed to get 2 new cds, a copy of origin by evanescence that I ordered off ebay (hehe) and also a cd I preordered from best buy that came out today, so now I'm pissed off b/c what was the point of preordering it if I don't get it early? I mean duh. anyways, that cd is orgy's punkstatikparanoia, I heard a bit and now I want it. should be better than the last one, which I still liked. OOOOOOOOH and I found out when the new tantric cd is. guess what? today! so I'm debating about whether to get my ass up, get dressed (I love being lazy) and go to target or something and get it. I have to go anyways to get the cat some damn food (oh yeah and me, haven't eaten all day) and get my film developed, and get money out for the electricity bill once we figure out how much we're paying, when we're paying, if we can afford to pay, etc. I hate irresponsible people. grrr. okay I'm gonna go change out of my pajamas and go now, b/c I'm hungry and it's late. bye bye.
03:33pm 19/02/2004
mood: accomplished
music: the lovely sounds of the voices in my head. bob says hi.
see, it's been so long since I've updated this thing. there's been my birthday, big ass fights between roommates, and all kinds of other stuff. now I finally get my lazy ass around to updating it, and I can't think of anything interesting to write.
I have, however, determined that there are way too many condoms around our house. yeah, 7 or 8 people living here (I don't even know how many that's sad) but think about it. you got the 2 lesbians, what the HELL do lesbians need with condoms? you got the straight single boy who hasn't gotten any in months and never fails to tell us that, you've got me and donnie and well if you know me, you know that situation, you've got the gay boy whose significant other lives in another state, so no condom usage there. so basically the only way I can think of why they're all over the floor is the gay couple, but that many? maybe it's from all the random flinging of water balloon condoms into the pool. hehe. we're so gonna get kicked out soon. I swear this place looks like an artist's colony, what with all the paint supplies, various mattresses on the floor, random people showing up at odd hours of the night drunk (and the drunk hours we spend with them.) oh yeah, one thing I do have to recount here so i don't forget is the time laura got covered in body paint (a la better than chocolate) and we told her to go across the hall to ask for some sugar. then we locked her out. also the time she had the underwear body paint on and donnie was in drag (I'm so mean to him sometimes, but I love crossdressers!) and they both got sent across the hall. OR the time ron got drunk (when he was still living here) got naked, and chased robert all around the apartment and outside and tried to fuck him. hehe. we're like the real strange people, picked ( or forced to) live in a small ass apartment, and get drunk and not beat the living shit outta each other. all these condoms come from metro, hehe I love that place. free condoms in the bathroom, homosexual freedom, and DRAG SHOWS! I can't stress the drag thing enough lol. oh yeah I thought of another condom thing. they're all over the playground. where little kids play. we are sooo getting kicked out of this apartment.
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The Promise   
03:24pm 21/11/2003
mood: pensive
Our eyes never met, our hands never touched, our lips never kissed.
All I had was his name that whispered in my ear like a secret: "David".
All I had was his promise that was made to me that night.
And so I wait for him, and I will wait until the end of time.


"We have to get out of here, my love," she said to him. Ashes flew and fire flamed all around them. "We have to do it for her." They both looked at their precious five year old who looked back up at them, eyes wide. "Come with me," he yelled as they ran to the west. A boat appeared among the ashes, untouched by flame. He took their daughter and lifted her onto the deck, then he turned to his love. "I'll be back, I promise. Take care of her and wait for me," he said, then ran off into the smoke. "Darling!" she screamed after him, but her words were obscured by the haze.

She ran across the field to him, her arms swung wide and her heart leaping with joy. They embraced, and that's when she read the name on his jacket.
And realized that he hadn't made it. But neither had she.
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random thoughts   
02:36am 09/11/2003
mood: contemplative
yay finally got the Internet back...

y'know I just realized there are very few places that I've ever really fit into. One of them is at the various mental hospitals I've been in and out of in my life. I guess that's b/c in there, nothing's pretentious, nothing's fake, and it's hard to lie. you spend everyone of your waking hours with people you've never met before, people with the same kind of problems and labels and brands as you, the same medications, the same disappointments. you share every little secret, every dark thought, all in the common goal of getting out. you learn things about these people that makes you instantly like them or pity them, but never hate. you can't hate that which you know so well, you can only feel sorry for it. it's like the perfection of society in the place you least suspect it, with the crazies so to speak. but I think that none of us are crazy, we just don't fit in with everyone else. we are true to the way we want to be. same thing with the only other place I've ever fit in. my group of friends from school were just like me, the so-called outcasts who made up a larger population than those who belonged. the "cool" kids always seemed so shallow to me. I could talk to them, relate to them, but they always seemed to be missing something, like there was nothing below the surface. with my friends, my group, none of them tried so hard to be cool. sure, they tried, everyone does, it's a part of life to want to belong, but none of them repressed their true self in trying, and so had something inside that kept them from having the personalities of brick walls. no one really fits in, but some of us are better at hiding our true being. I was never good at it, if I tried it would cause every fibre of my being to scream out, like trying to battle "IT" in "a wrinkle in time". I never could stay within the beats for very long.
12:28pm 23/06/2003
mood: awake
music: "my immortal"- evanescence
I had a weird dream last night (as usual). I don't think I was screaming in my sleep again, as I sometimes often do, because donie's still asleep. I don't remember my dream, but I still have the feeling from it, but I don't know what it is. I was in a new place though, it wasn't in any place within my dream world that I'm used to. Let's see, the places in my dream world:
My house: It's in california (of course, it's my dream house!) at the very back of this playground I used to go to back when I still lived there. It's behind the baseball field, inside an obstacle course thingy with the plastic balls and such. All I really remember is it's got a tv with every show in the world on it. And I have the sneaking suspicion my grandmother on my real dad's side lives with me, that's where I always see her.
School: it reminds me kind of like lakeshore, which I haven't been to in 7 years about. It's brick and has a "stairway to nowhere" just like lakeshore, but it's really more complicated, kinda open air buildings and such. I also think it's right next to the park.
The park: here's where most of the "sex dreams" happen. probably shouldn't have said that b/c I dunno what it means in case anyone reading this can interpret dreams. Anyways, it's got this weird bathroom with like those little chairs you sit on in kindergarten. There's lots of trees everywhere of course (it's a park). There's also this weird guy there who's older (like 30-40ish) who chases me for sex. He's got a house there. Maybe the park represents my whorish side or something. wouldn't be the first place, I did have that dream that I think might be a past life memory....
The mall: amazing that someone like me would have a mall in her dreams. but anyways. It's got all kinds of stores, and it's the place where I see aliens most clearly, one time I had an alien b/f my dad pushed into a cactus. Just like all dreams I don't see people as human unless the dreams come true. This mall will never be true. I always have more money than I know what to do with, I gave a roll of like a trillion to this poor kid who gave me back a penny I dropped. There's a store full of goosebumps stuff, you know, like the little kids' books. There's a sears but I actually like it b/c it's full of pretty clothes and flowing sheet thingys I could decorate my house with. it's huge. The music store is my favorite, I think I work there, it has every single electronic thingy I could want, every cd too. I think it has fish also.
grandmother on my dad's side's house: it's like a mansion, on top of a hill full of trees It really does remind me of the bed and breakfast they had. But the thing that always happens, and I know it will, is I go through the house, but there's this door. sometimes it's in the attic which is a scary place in itself, but most times it's in the hall upstairs. I'm not supposed to go in the door, I know what's behind it, but, like a b-horror movie, I can't stop myself. behind the door is a whole new section of the house, one I have never seen in my life (except for every time I have this dream.) I think it might be connected to the museum, because, I go into the elevator, there's this giant water tank thingy has a giant octopus, that takes up two levels. I have no idea why it scares me. Nothing in there should scare me, but it does. The attic scares me too, it's all closed in and dark, and it gives me the feeling the basement did at their house they had before.
The museum: it's really cool, it has that exhibit the real museum did, where you solve the mystery. The floors are black and white tile, I think that's important. it reminds me of this place someone told me about that he goes to in his dreams. I think it's connected to (dream) disney world somehow, I get the same feelings in there. There's also the thingy that's like the back to the future ride, but as the screens open up, that damn octopus is there. otherwise I like the museum.
grandmother on my mom's side's house: this one's kinda complicated. it's on an island, just like the real one. I don't know much about the house, but I do know that if you go down a meadow thingy, past the trees, there's the fair or flea market or whatever it is. I always struggle to get there. There's also an ice cream place across the river, the place where that dream that came true happened at, with the bus and the bombs.
The fair/flea market: This place I absolutely LOVE. It makes me feel like my true self. it's got all these awesome things to buy, I always try to get a wig there for some reason, hehe, and I just love it. reminds me of the medieval festival I went to when I was little.
disney: nothing like the real one. It does have the haunted house, only in it, you have to walk from room to room and there's monsters in most every one, you have to avoid them. this is the place with the kitchen I don't like. There's also a really cool roller coaster that is sooooo fast and sooo fun. lots of colored rollers that you slide on, with trippy colors playing out around you. Most times when I get off that ride, I come to a new place. This place, I dunno what it is, but it's got like outdoor stores, little ride things, and lots of goth people hehe. I dunno, this is probably my favorite place, I just feel so positively myself, my true self, I fit in there, I get that same feeling as I did when I was little and did something "teenagery". I feel so great there, like my true self. I'll probably think of some more places, but I'll add them later when I think of them.
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10:25pm 21/06/2003
mood: lethargic
yeah so today sucked. I promised myself I'd do some studying but I got too depressed to do anything. I called my mom, turns out my parents are in daytona. thank you for telling me, especially since they missed out on the father's day thing and we were s'posed to make it up this weekend. screw that. my sisters are still in west virginia or wherever the hell, my parents didn't tell me about THAT either, until they were leaving for the airport. just like when they took them to alabama. it never occured to them that I might want to visit my relatives too. so I've been getting all depressed, it's making donnie worried b/c I'm getting so stressed that I keep crying, or yelling at him, and I think I'm making myself sick. donnie's mom offered to take us to orlando when she saves enough money, but I have to get outta here soon or I'm gonna start self-medicating again. I think, once donnie finishes paying off both of our school payments, and gets a real job, and we move out and get married I'll be much better off. either that or stop talking to my parents, but I'd miss my sisters. grr now if only I could find those pills....
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