||[15 May 2003|11:08am]
I figured it'd be like every other day.
Naoki always comes to visit and we work on the music. We watch tv, I make dinner, he eats, he goes home, and we repeat the same 'ritual' two days later.
However today was really different. Scarily different.
I watched him alot. I couldn't help it, his eyes had a gleam that made his whole face shine and I tried to hide it. He kept blushing and I brushed it off. I hinted at various things, touching his hair, smiling softly. You'd think he'd realise long ago I liked him.
Wasn't sure if he understood.
And then we went back and watched tv. And he started to laugh. It hurt on the inside, I didn't understand. Was he laughing at me? I asked him, and then those eyes darted quickly and he kissed my cheek.
I didn't even think, and turned, kissing him.
I could almost see those eyes widening again and that body freezing. If I could do it all again I probably would have grabbed a cigarette and ran to the kitchen instead.
But I didn't.
We kissed for a few minutes and then I got up. Scared. Nervous. And I brushed it all off, acting like I didn't care when the bell for my chicken rang in the oven. I could feel him staring. I know I hurt him.
But I didn't care, at that moment.
I went back in the kitchen and started to set up the plates. We ate in silence for a while. I tried to apologise, and reached out and stroked his cheek. I was shaking so hard, I dropped it away seconds later. Then he reached out and touched my face. Stroking through my hair, and I stopped eating. Everything forgotten. I can't describe how good it felt. I heard his voice asking far away if I wanted to go back to the couch and I agreed instantly, but it took us a few minutes to get there. I know I was so scared, yet so content. He just held me and nuzzled me close.
I wanted to scream and push him away but my heart swelled and forced me to stay close.
It felt so nice. I felt so warm.
Yet so terribly lonely.