| Feelings of Fear | ||||
| 12:11pm 02/12/2004 | ||||
By what I am reading into it this person is really nice but yet I still find myself afraid of this one... I know I need to go out into the world and meet folks but oh I am so scared right now... everyone I have ever met has either hurt me or stalked me or tried to harm me in some way or another... Its really freaky when the only ones you always met up with where people ya already knew.. Don't think I have ever dated a person or even talked to a person I hardly even know..... Am I afraid of people cuz of all the hurt and how my heart has been shattered so many times? Am I scared of Being hurt again? Am I afraid for My child and mines saftey.. Hell these are all the questions that rumble through my head at night and all the time when I even think about anything or going out into the world and meeting people again... Yunno its not so bad to be burnt but damn so many people have used me, or well lets get graphical here, Abused me, ect... Do I have this right to be this way.... What is this fear inside me? Can anyone explain it... I have never been this way when it came down to people... I used to be such a people person, but then I have always been skittish of ones I don't know... Ahh well I guess I will figure it out in times but man it sucks ass to be feeling this way... I think about it I shake... I get nervous easy ect... Guess I just need to get back in the swing of things... Just proud to have me back but still something inside of me is saying no and holding me back... |
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scared| Why Am I thinking this | ||||
| 06:54am 17/10/2004 | ||||
I swear even though I am getting the divorce this son of a bitch pisses me off so bad he is just like his damn father don't do nothing and isn’t worth being spit on.. Oh yea I will be there and I will provide for my son.. Shah, yea right when hell freezes over maybe but no damn time soon here now... Punk ass needs to get off his as and be a man and a father and stop worrying about who is Dom and who is his sub in my eyes the putz isn’t no Dom or else he would have respected what was his in the first place instead of throwing it away like a rotted piece of meat.. Well I am glad he isn’t here though hell I was miserable with the ass hole but now the only thing that bugs me is this asshole being so irresponsible and stupid.. I mean damn I wonder if he thinks I am someone else and is not going to do shit about it... Laffzzz boy is he wrong.... We'll see what happens.. ~snickers~... I mean hell what the fuck is more important then ya own flesh and blood.. Lmao... Oh I am supposed to be the bad parent here to... ~growls~ and I am to mentally incompetent to take care of my own son.. Ok lets see here if I am well why is he doing so well.. Why is he sleeping better at night {kept for now he is off meds to do some test} Why has he went from 28 lbs {that’s what he was when I got here he had lost from 34 to that} back up to almost 42 lbs.. yea he is little but at least he has his food, his clothing, and everything that child needs in his mommas safety.. I am his mom and I will always do the best job for my son.. there is an old saying that comes to mind when I need to let this out in the air.. If ya fail your kids in life then you have failed in life.. Wise Man told me that.. I stick to it becauuuuussseeeee lets see here I am not the one failing in life... I am not the one who is failing my Kids {well I only have one there hehe} Hell this child is the most important thing that ever happened to me and I am the bad person for doing what? Taking care of him when he won't?? Making sure he is safe and Secure when all he wanned to do was jump from place to place? What the hell was I thinking when I married this asshole... Good God he is not sexy, his teef is rotted all to hell and back, he is balding, bowlegged as hell and cant sing worht a fuck... ~shakes my head~ Ok I have successfuly pissed myself off now soooo I am gonna go off and fantasize about Chester screaming in my ear {OMG} Peace out ©Kaileah |
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enraged| Welll Ima here again! | ||||
| 01:58am 23/08/2004 | ||||
Its been hecktic the past couple of months but I am making it through this long process and keeping my snaity.. What raelly sux is the fact that My Grandmah on my fathers side is slipping right through my fingers and I can't reach here... The month she came down here I knew there was something wrong with her but didn't Pin point it till just recently.. The dreams started after she left and I knew then that she was dying. She has cancer and has been in the hospital for a month and man that hurts.. She is all the way in another state and I am here like 2000 Miles from her when I feel I need to be there careing for her, then on the other hand I can't as I always say my son comes first and always has and will.. But being away from her and her not being able to see him daily is killing me inside.. This lil boy is her life just as well as it is mine (mine more but she is the grandmah) and he can't see her she can't touch him.. thinking about all this is making me wanna write again which is good cuz when I do Ima going straight to a recording studio and sing it out loud.. bout time I do that.. lol ehhh Well I am outta here and all like going to bed kids have school in the AM (what the hell its already the am lmao) and I gotta get up in about 5 hours.. Laterzzzz ©Kaileah |
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crappy|
kaileah |
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