paradox lies herein

1. Charge your battery, check your camera settings; honey, it’s going to be a looooong shoot.


2. Eat more, the spinster won’t judge, he knows you’ll need the energy to hold that camera up. He’s v. considerate, sometimes.


3. Be ready to take more than one shot of the same pose darling, the spinster doesn’t get satisfied easily. And, if he pretends to pose, he’s not pretending darling, he’s really posing.


4. Always give the spinster space, he waits for someone to come along. You are expected to click away once this happens; the spinster believes in the mantra "that which was not documented, never happened." Remember the court of public opinion? you'll be the star witness.


5. Expect to go back to the hotel, the spinster will change clothes in a few hours.


6. Be cautious, the spinster may be talking to you, or he may pretend to take your picture, but the truth is, he’s just stalking someone and is using you as a cover.


7. Wear something decent, the spinster may (in some rare instances) ask you to be in the same frame with him. Fierce posing not necessary, you only serve as an accessory, like a boulder, or a flower pot. Don’t be offended.


8. And, impossible as it may, don't forget to enjoy!

Walanghiya ka Kim Chiu, bakit ang payat payat mo? Hindi ko gets, baket. Hindi ka pretty. At hindi ito dahil ayoko sa mga singkit, in fact marami akong kras na singkit. Si Aaron, Si James Sy, Si Jason Sy, Si Chris Tiong, si Tony Leung. Ang dami. Hindi ko nga rin alam bakit marami akong kras na intsik, dahil ba sa monosyllabic nilang apelyido? Dahil marami nang titik ang pangalan ko?

Pero ikaw, well, babae ka nga naman kasi. Pero ayoko pa rin sayo. Dahil ang payat payat mo. Pookashells ka Kim Chiu.

At ikaw pa itong choosy, tama ba namang tanggihan si David sa kasal? Eh ano naman kung nagsiping sina Dave at Greta, wala namang ibig sabihin yun ah. Business transaction lang kaya yun. Hindi niya mahal si Greta, ikaw ang mahal niya, tapos arty-arty ka dyan. Okay ka lang. Si Jake Cuenca kaya yun.

At pwede ba, nakita ko yung isang commercial niyo ni Mr. Anderson, at ito lang ang masasabi ko, kung matino kang babae, at may natitirang kahihiyan sa balat mo, hindi ka aangkas sa balikat ng boypren mo kapag may period ka. Tapos naka-puting pantalon ka pa. Sana hindi ka na lang nagsuot ng kahit ano. Gusto mo ba talagang magmukhang tagos na tinubuan ng patpat? Hello? Siraulo ka ba? Siguro nga wala ng dugong dumadaloy sa utak mo dahil sobrang payat mo.

I hate you. Pag nagkita tayo, hindi kita gagawing friend.

Pero kelangan kong abutin, kahit mahirap, kahit nakakagutom. Aabuting ko ang timbang mo ateh, at kakayanin ko.