| I'm back |
[25 Jun 2003|11:22pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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X |
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OK OK it's been a while yes indeed it has. two months. lots have happened.....
As the week kicks off, you will feel quite torn between two paths. Perhaps there are two people in your life that you are attracted to, but you don't know who to spend your time with. Perhaps you are frustrated in a current relationship, but don't know whether to hang on and try to make it work or let go and look for someone else. Either way, one thing is certain. You will not find the clarity you seek through further mental analysis. Instead, you need to turn inward and meditate. Spend some time by yourself. Thursday and Friday are good days for you to do this. Listen to your heart, and not your head. Instead of making a laundry list of pros and cons, feel what is going on in your gut. Knowing yourself in and out is key toward bonding together with the perfect love of your life in a healthy and loving manner.
i wanted to copy that on here so i have it somewhere. that's stevo's horoscope for the week. i wanna call him and tell him about it.
Does that seem really pathetic of me?
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| today |
[02 May 2003|05:40pm] |
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mood |
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a lil sleepy |
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music |
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none i'm in school |
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A change in career that you've been mulling over for a while might finally seem to be coming your way, Kath. This is good news, but you still might go into a panic. What if you fail? What if you succeed? Either way, whatever transformations come your way now are going to change both your life and your inner nature profoundly. Don't fight it, however. Go with the flow. Resistance is futile, and will only postpone the inevitable.
tis my personal horoscope again.
this one is scary but wicked true.
i've gotta star kickin ass
or i'm gonna fail this term
and failing this term means either
junior year
or summer school
both a FUCKIN REDONKULOUS
and i refuse them both.
which means i will be
kickin ass
well kickin my ass
and kissin teachers ass
heheh well anyways
things are alright right now.
i've got lunch in 25 minutes.
chem is sweet
we've got laptops
and no teach
bwaaaahahahhahaha.
my eyes are burnin
i'm pretty tired
wicked hungry.
its so funny
at lunch nothing exists to steve
except his food.
a naked chick could walk by and
he's be like
can't talk
eating....
hehehe.
ahh what a dork
he's so cute though.
definatly goin to prom with him.
should be a crazy fun time.
my ear is tickly
like i need to itch it
but i can't
cuz its inside
AHHHH
I NEED A Q-TIP!!!!!!
chris said he's gonna hook me up
ya ya yo yo
well not with a q-tip
with something even cooooler!!!!!!...........................
SPREE!!!!
definatly
hard spree
chewy just fucking blows.
it should never have been made.
it's disgusting.
things like spree
should never be chewy
like jolly ranchers
should never be chewy.
that'd be gross.
but meep!
ii'm gonna go now. lalalallaaaaaaaa
dad sucks HA
moms crazy HA
WE'RE ALL ALRIGHT
WE'RE ALL ALRIGHT!!!!
ok
i be go.
bye now
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| i'm sittin on my ass |
[28 Apr 2003|07:11pm] |
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mood |
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 full |
] |
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music |
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some chakra stuff ..i'm copying it for frodo |
] |
sittin on mi arse here.
with a massive full belly....
yum yum
but now i feel sooo tired
i could drop and sleep on the cold wood floor right now
but i really don't wanna.
anyways....
um
oh yeah
i applied for the parrot today....
she said the lady
had a massive pile
and she's gonna go thru them this week or next
so to wait for a call.
so that's really good huh?
poo.
my moms bringing me over there tomorrow morning
before school!!
to see if the lady is there.
my parents are like JOB !!!!!!
and i have to apply to a bunch of different places...
a different one everyday this week.
meep!
oh well i'll deal.
cd's done copying.
buh byes
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| meh |
[26 Apr 2003|03:02pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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music |
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my brother singin |
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You need to start giving yourself more credit, Kath. You have tremendous talents, many of them untapped. If you would just begin to harness the talent and power that is already within you, then you would begin to see a dramatic arc to your career path. Something is holding you back. Could it be fear of failure or, more likely, fear of success? You need to spend some time meditating about what you really want out of life. Once your heart's desire is clear, it will be that much easier to claim it.
tis mi personal horoscope.
In many ways, you have been fooling yourself when it comes to love. This week you will find that any area in which you haven't been completely honest with yourself will creep up and haunt you. The universe will have its way of showing you that the path you are on is not the right one for you. You may get the feeling that things are crashing down around you, but you must trust that this is for the best. If a relationship crumbles this week, realize that it was meant to happen and that your true destiny lies with someone else. Saturday and Sunday are good days for you to retreat to your center and rebuild. If you are single and looking for love, these two days are the most favorable for finding that special someone. Don't be shy about asking a stranger out for a drink. Most likely, he or she will accept with a smile.
tell me how much that fucking sucks.
i hate this.
lalalala i need to go lie down again.
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| back at moms for the day |
[26 Apr 2003|12:01pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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none yet |
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i'm back here for the day. yay.... woo hoo. i am pumped.
yeah well anyways this blows.
i don;'t want anything to do with them.
i don't want to go out.
i want to lie on my bed and drift in and out of sleep.
they just want to look for cheap cars
and talk about ryan's writing
which is fine.
i just think i dont have to be there for it.
but whatever.
i cried myself to sleep last night.
i wrote will a wicked long email,
well it felt like it was long.
it probably wasn't
but anyways.
i told my brother how i felt about will
and he just went on about how it wouldn't work out,
and that i just have to get over it.
and it's like thats the reality of it.
but i STILL refuse to believe it.
oh for fucks sake....
we've been here five fucking minutes
and they're fighting.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i hate this.
i'm so going to bed.
fuck fuck fuck.
no.
no.
no.
no.
NO!
it will work.
it has to....
i love him so much.
fuck.
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| no sleep til.....meds |
[24 Apr 2003|01:17am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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white stripes |
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well ello ello
me just talked to will
wel i did a while ago
he went to bed
cuz he's got school
or work
or something
HAHA
i don't.
but i should get the hell up
anways.
and getting up
requires
lying down
so that's what i must do now.
.....yepp.....soo gonna lie down......*twiddles thumbs*
ok i don't want to.
but it's already tomorrow
and tomorrow is already today.
i hope me gets to chill with jax and ben tomorrow
it's gonna be bad when dad gets here.
*meep*
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well it's all gonna be alright.
who am i kidding?
he'll be pissed
she'll be pissed
she'll cry...
i have no idea what he'll do.
and then i'll go to his house
and beth will be there....
could things get more
AKWARD??!?!?!?!??!
oh jeebus
please save me!
all i know is
i leave when he get there
they call when done
i come home.....
with shield.
i come back to smoldered ruins
of a house
all thats standing is the kitchen table
with them fighting over it.
haha.
well not really.
but still.
very scary....
mom be gettin out
like 23 years of things
she's never said.
once again....
GREAT TIMING MOM!!!!!!
mrrrrrrgggggulllllrrthhhbbppppttt!!!!
pardon me....
ahem
well now
i'll go eat something
bad for me....
and then lie down!
and then get up
and then shower.....
oh fucknuts!!!!
my forehead is still
purple.
shit.
well i'm leaving
sleep peacefully world.
and blow snot bubbles out of your nose
while sleeping.
it's just so precious
:o)
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| yellow |
[23 Apr 2003|03:51pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
] |
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music |
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hummin computer |
] |
i'm sitting in a bright yellow room. it looks like someone just peed EVERYWHERE.
i'm not sure i like it......
yellow......
hmmm
well it's time to go do happy happy things!
like:
clean up all the kitty puke all over the basement!!!!!
YIPPEEEE!!!!!
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| meh |
[22 Apr 2003|10:08pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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shitty mom music that makes me sleep |
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mom is being a fuckin bitch.
brother has been goin thru and feelin a bunch of shit and writin all about it....like 20 to 30 pages full of him writing, well typing. still about everything that goes thru his mind, he wrote it all down. he copied these writings down and gave them to my dad and my mom. they've been wanting to talk to him about it and i've been talkin to ryan thru email...and he said i could read them too....i've read his stuff before and i know he's a crazy writer, really fuckin good writer, and i love to see what he's thinking. so i told my mom he said i could see them, and she was like well you can see your fathers. and i was like uh can't i see yours? i'm at your house i won't be at dads til thursday night....and she was like well i don't have mine...i aksed why not.....and she said she let her friend eleanor read them.... now first of all i don't like eleanor she's a massive fake annoying weird lady. and i was like well that's none of her business, why did u show her? and mom said that she's a therapist (among other things) and she wanted her view on it. i was pissed.....
maybe cuz i probably have pms,
and because she didn't ask my brother if that was ok first
and because i despise this woman.....
but still!
i was pissed.
i am pissed.....grrr whatever i can't do anything....
and moms crying now.....
she said it's private when i asked what it was...
which means it's about dad
i asked her if that was bugging her
that if she could keep it to herself
and not tell me
that'd be nice
the other day
when she was talking about him.
she starts to ask questions
like do they look happy?
do u think it will last?
who looks more into the relationship? dad or beth?
and i feel like i want to throw up.
like i'm her spy.
and she makes me feel like
dad's a bad guy for being happy.
but i know he's not
and i know she's not a bad lady.
i love my parents
even though they both suck at things.
but who doesn't?
they're not together anymore.
and i guess dad makes it look a lot easier
maybe cuz he has a girlfriend.
me and mom were just takin everything out of this room cuz it's getting painted tomorrow. and she picked up the little box that sits on the window sill shelf thing. there's a glass candy in it. she asked me if i knew what it meant. she said it meant that life is sweet, but hard. mom has life in a little box.
life is sweet but hard.
i was just so happy. so full of love and brimming with smiles. no cares in the world.....
and it's gone so quick and reality is cold. i don't like it.
icy on my toes.
i want to curl back up under the blankets
and rest with him.
listen to him talk
and his belly rumble.
i don't want to wait to see him again.
but i want to wait
to be with him.
i mean i miss him now
but i love him so much
that i would wait until i could be with him
and wait for him to be with me.
and i don't think there's enuff room
in my heart,
for someone else.
but knowing this,
hurts like hell.
i'm honest
i don't think i can love someone else
while i love him.
and i can't stop
nor will i stop
loving him
and i'm lonely.
really lonely.
one tear at a time.
i hate meds.
i hate being a chicka.
this is such a bad time to get my period.
hah like there's a good time.
ahh well i'll live....
weirdly enuff
i'm gonna go waste some time...
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| blinkity blink |
[21 Apr 2003|11:43pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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weird mom stuff |
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i'm sitting here. and i'm cold and gettin tired. will left today. it sucked. i didn't want him to go. at all. but oh well. i had such a good time with him. i miss him a bajallioness. ahhh way to not even be able to say anything. words kath....get them out..... and? nothing. i got nothing. fuckin a.
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| belly flip |
[19 Apr 2003|11:21am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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white stripes |
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ello darlings. me be here with my darling willyum he rules and looks like a goofball but i love him anyways lalalalala he's really really really really sexie. bloooop. dad will be here soon to pick us up. i'm cold. this is a pointless entry but i'm sweet like that..............................................................
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| ytrulb....trulb....blurt.....trulb....hahahaha |
[17 Apr 2003|08:56pm] |
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freeeezing |
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nuttin |
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it is a time and a month followed by a day and a year, all of which i care not. it is freezing in my house and i hate when it is cold. today was rather emotional but rather productive. i told zack how i was really feeling, and he was really cool about it which made me happy. and i dealed with my emotions pretty damn well. i came home from school with jackums, when she told me some news that was not pleasant to hear. i didn't take it well and went inside and took a nap. i woke up about an hour later and farted about my house and then mom came home. i told her how i was feeling after snapping at her for no apparent reason, other than the overflowing anger i had in me. naturally, when i tell her things when i'm pissed, everything she says makes me even more heated. only because i can't listen at the moment. i'm too angry. but she insisted that i clear something up with jackums and write to zack. then she took me to falmouth. we went to the 99 and i started to cry. i realized i was picking at everyone in the restaurant cuz i was so bloody angry. ha our waiter was nervours talking, and he kinda wiggled and swayed back and forth when he talked, and when he walked away i was like who the fuck does he think he is? some fuckin queer? doesn't he know he looks retarded when he does that? lol i started to laugh then at my blind anger. i had nothing against this guy. i made mom leave him a big tip for dealing with my rudeness. i paid for most of it. i felt special. anyways i just talked to zack and i try to help and everytime i do he goes off on this tangent about showing everyone who he can be and will be and he'll win in the end and all this. and i'm just a fading voice, so i give up. he'll do what he wants. i have no control anyways. so good luck. i hate how blurty randomly highlights things when u click away. grr irritating. and i hate how my entries are green on other peoples computers. definatlly supposed to be blue. well la di da.
i guess i gotta talk about how i feel with jackums and everyone. with jackums i feel like i'm with a sister. minus the stupid petty fights. someone that knows me and i can be myself around. i love her to death. and today when she said she needed thought space or something along those lines from her friends, i totally understood that. completely. but i felt like she said a few different things that set me off thinking too much. that i'm at a place where she was and she's not now and she can't be there. i know that feeling EXACTLY. it sucked to hear it though. but she's right. i was kind of confused cuz we're still hanging out and everything but she's taking space? and somehow i felt like i was the only one she said it to. she said i wasn't though. but i couldn't help thinking it. maybe thats my selfish thinking. gets the best of me sometimes. but the feeling i felt myself mostly having was pure jealousy. i have never in my life had a chicka friend like jackums. and then ben and her liked eachother. i love them both and knew that they'd make eachother so happy, and with all attachment gone with ben i helped put them together. now they're so happy. then here comes kath the selfish girlie hehehe. you'd think i'd want my ex back wouldn't you? that it'd tear me up inside and i wanted him back for myself ahh you bitch total soap opera eh? well thats not it. i want my jackums to myself. i don't want ben to be closer to her than i was. i came first. so there! *sticks tongue out with hands on her hips* yes yes it's selfish of me, but since this whole thing with the space, i feel like overwhelmingly like she's gonna drift from me. she said she can't handle me going away again. and i understand that. it's a big fault of mine which i am trying to work on. but she said she thinks this might be her way of detaching from people because she knows she moving on to college in september. and reality is obviously smackin her in the face. which hurts like hell i know, specially for us dreamers. i'm just afraid she's gonna detach from me and i'm gonna be the only one.
i feel almost well kinda like banky in chasing amy, except for that i want jackums. i want her for myself as one of her best friends. more important and a boyfriend. heheheh. i'm just as confused as anyone else. but i just don't know how to explain my feelings. and i'm afraid to. jackums says things loud and it scares me *cowers* heheh not on purpose but it'll be silence and then SOMETHING and i'm like WHOA WHAT~?!?! i don't know. i'm only trying to get how i feel out. i'm not really good with the words and feelings. words don't do my feelings justice most of the time.
hmmm...this is gonna be a weird weekend....did u like how i changed the subject? very sleek i think. tomorrow me and jackums are gonna have a kick ass day shoppin, regardless of anything said today. i don't care we planned to have a ball so we're havin one dammit! :o) then i'm gonna see if will shows up. yeah i'm really skeptical about that one. but we'll see. if he doesn't i wanna go to the cath 22 show on saturday and hang out with shane. *blush* and then i'll probably go to my dads with beth from sunday til saturday. i gotta do my term paper this week....AHHHH *rips hair out* that's gotta get done before i shoot myself. and i'm gonna hang out with chels sometime this week. so sweet vacation so far. i have to find a summer job too. i'm gonna just go everywhere and fill out applications and see who needs me. it'll make me parents shush. hehe. so i gotta make sure i make lots of effort for that this week. my hands are still shaking and i don't like it. now they're sweating too. bleck. lets see what else do i have to do? oh! my brothers comin to visit me this next weekend so that'll be fuckin sweet.
wanna know a fun fact about april?
i was committed on april 6th and released on april 20th, 4/20. hmm 2001 i believe.
interesting eh? heh not particularly but i thought i'd share.....
wow i think this is the longest blurt i have ever written. craziness
it's 9:34 and i'm gonna go fart about my house again.
much love and gratitude for those whom have stolen my heart
sleep well all.
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| i'm in study hall |
[17 Apr 2003|10:19am] |
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mood |
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 nerdy |
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music |
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clicky of keyboards |
] |
study hall block 7. what a wonderful class. i'm in the library and i just felt a big sweep of hunger creep up on my stomach. i have first lunch so i'm all set. but lunch is rather gross...well i dunno what it is today. anyways. i been thinking a whole lot lately. and last night i couldn't sleep. i took my meds but still i couldn't sleep it's probably cuz i've been sleeping so much lately. my shoulders feel like they need to be pulled away from my neck. it hurts so much to sleep on your sides for hours upon hours. i'm surprised i don't move in my sleep...anyway i'm rambling. i woke up a butt load of times last night and couldn't get comfortable again. NOOO MS MURPHY DON'T LEAVE US!!!!!!!!!! there goes the sweetest librarian on earth. dammit now we're stuck with ms bitch and mr dick for brains. ah well. anyways thinking alot. yeah i've been thinking about next year and thinking about what i wanna do....more of what i have to do. and i'm really scared, naturally. also i've been thinkin about people that matter to me. and i was thinking about how well i donno how to say it, how i let some people walk all over me? or say something adn don't mean it. or don't fullfill it. and i'm wondering why the fuck i would do something like that? i gotta be drunk or something. well it irritated me to think that i let that happen. so things are gonna come or there not gonna come. i'm not waitin for em. i'm sick of waiting. so there! bwah!
ahem. yes well. i needed to say that. i'm not sure if those are the right words. i am quite confoozled at the moment. heh when am i not?
but anyways. hung out with jackums and steppy yesterday. had a good time runnin errands and shit. we saw shane....who is boggling my mind now...he has been since yesterday. steppy was saying how he wanted a gf so bad. and i was like i want a bf so bad. and she was like oh you guys would be perfect!!! i was like huh? what just happened? i can't help but wonder, what if someone else had said the same thing, and it wasn't me. would she be like oh you guys would be perfect? i had to wonder. i asked jackums and she said well she knows u both. so that does make sense. but shane is so sexy. heheh. i don't know it's like that thing we were talkin abot yesterday, when the hottest guy you know has an interest in you, your totally blown away. and it sucks when it's over. well it sucks when any relationship is over but still. id on't know its just like that though. he's so cute and i could never see him liking me. so it's hard to see in mi skull. but i can't stop thinking about him....funny though. i don't really know anything about him, cept he's in a band he was phils best friend and he lives in some girls basement apartment thing. and he's wicked sexy. but thats a given. ;o) anyways i'm gonna go i'm getting bored typing in here......
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| my heads not on straight... |
[14 Apr 2003|08:21pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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if i could sleep forever is stuck in my head |
] |
I have not updated in a quite a while. life has been fine i suppose. i am sick. sickie sickie sick sick. it's a bitch to fall asleep. but i keep sleeping anyways. it's just a cold but it's a shitty one. it's funny cuz my mom's like ahh well you'll feel better soon. shut up and go to school. and my dads like tell your mother to make a docs appt, ryan had that same thing and it developed into pneumonia cuz he didn't get it checked. heh. it's funny having separated parents with things like this. sometimes when my moms in a bad mood or something or she thinks what i'm saying is a big issue, she's like go call your father and tell him. and then i do that, and my father's like ok. why did u want to tell me? and then he's like talk to your mother and she's like talk your father. and i'm like FUCKING TALK TO EACHOTHER. and she's like i feel like i'm raising her all on my own. and my dads like i see her on weekends! and i pay for everything. he supports both of us. madre doesn't work. nothing new there. hahhaha i just found out a while ago that when my moms like we can't afford that or something or i need clothes and she's like i need to get more money, lol she's cupping parts of my child support every week. hahahha. what a tool. hmm zax called. i be off now....much love
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| seven nation army couldn't hold me back..... |
[09 Apr 2003|08:18pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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whirrrr of computer |
] |
hello all......
hmm i've been doing some thinking. and i'm thinking. and i'm thinking.....and i'm thinking jackums is a bit mad at me. or aloof, or apathetic. i don't know. i hung out with julie and endo and then ben came and took us out for a bit. i had a few drags of a butt, and they made me feel ill. so i stopped with that.
jackums i'd like to talk to you. it's all up to you. i don't wanna fade from you, and i'm feeling myself go, so lets try to get to wings tomorrow and talk or something...i think we have study block 3. it's up to you.
i'll talk to ya'll later i suppose.
nightys
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| at my dads |
[07 Apr 2003|08:54pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
] |
i'm at my dads until like wednesday. i don't know if i like it here. my dads weird and he's always either working, on the phone with beth or watching tv. i dont know what i want from him. nothing i guess. i don't feel right here cuz it's not my home. i want my bed and my house. my cd player and my alarm clock. i don't know i don't feel in the mood to be somewhere else. maybe i'll just have him take me home tomorrow after school. i have another god damn inschool on wednesday, and i don't want him to know, so i better go home tomorrow. i'm just thinking out loud. and i want to go watch something funny now. but nothings funny. i'm so annoyed. grrr. whats the point in even posting anything anyways.
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| i'd kill you all if i could |
[06 Apr 2003|07:39pm] |
|
i'm done.
fuck you
fuck me
fuck this
i don't lknow whats wrong wtih me
and i don't fucking care anymore
i just want it to end
and it won't
t keeps going on and on and on and on
and i don't even know what it is.
but it won't stop eating at my skull
and ripping thru my insides
and shredding me until
i'm just a big bloody fucking mess
and i can't even
i don't fucking know
what it is/
i'm sick of doctors fuck you all
u can't do a fucking thing
FUCK YOU
and i won't go away
and i want to
i don't know where i don't know how
WEHY WONT' IT FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE
WHY AM I SO ANGRY??????????/
WHY DO I CRY SO MUCH
AND NO KNOW WHY??????
AND TEAR MY HAIR OUT
AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING
AND TRY TO KILL IT OFF
WHAT IS IT???
AND WHY WON'T IT LEAVE ME ALONE
please please please
just go.
just stop.
fuck you.
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| i feel sick |
[05 Apr 2003|08:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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white stripes |
] |
i'm sittin here listening to white stripes the new cd elephant and i was working on this wonderful survey thing but i was looking at it and i'm in no mood to answer any of those questions so they all sounded so bullshit. so fuck that. it's saturday night , 10 after 9 and i'm gonna be watchin twilight zone with my bro, the movie, in a liltte while.
me mom and ry went shopping today and i bought a bunch of shit at h and m. most of it's not really me. not me meaning it shows off my body and thats weird for me. not like skanky but it's just new. anyways then i went to hot topic to look around and convinced my mom to get me these light blue dickie capri pants things, they were almost 40 bucks but dickies last. so thats pretty cool. i have my shorts for the summer. hehe. i'm feelin mighty shitty physically i gotta work on that.
we watched detroit rock city last night, and yeah ryan was like it's a guys movie. but god dammit i loved it. its one of my favorites now. hehhe jam trip hawk and lex. mad sweet. anyways yeah you wanna watch a funny fuckin movie watch that.
i have brain candy rented til next saturday too. it's the kids in the hall guys movie. so anyone wanna come over and watch it with me, your invited!
seniors countdown is starting on monday. i don't like that. i mean yay seniors but boo don't leave me! i miss you guys!
eww i'm gonna go lie down. much love to all.
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| fuckin popups... |
[30 Mar 2003|09:16pm] |
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donnie darko |
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grr. i just typed moms essay for the week. now i have to go finish my homework. i'm looking for pictures in magazines and newspapers for an dumb english project. i'm looking for a picture of george dubya cuz one of my vocab words is prosaic, which he would fit with perfectly. dull, lacking originatity, not poetic....SHITTY STUPUD COWBOY...ok i'm sorry. i'm just not in the best mood. i haven't been. it's crazy. not really. i feel like i don't belong here. everyone's a bit too happy to wanna be around me. or so i think. i'm too shitty to feel good around them. i wanna leave. i wanna get up and go. maybe it's just cuz i'm a junior and i want out. maybe i'll feel differently next year when i have the option. my parents both want me to go away to college. they think it'd be really really good for me. and i'm feeling pretty up to it right now. i wanna leave this country and never come back. heheh i sound like jaime. fuckin bastard's already out there. well shut up shut up shut up. i know i have to let go of these things. but i feel so alone!!!!! i want to be with someone close to me. someone that knows me so well. not even romantically. like my brother! i miss my brother so fuckin much. my dad offered to take me traveling with him this summer. he said he'd bring me with him to california. i really want to go, but not just with him. he;s got business meetings to go to and shit. what am i gonna do? i said i wanted my brother to go and he said he can't he's working fulltime. he's not a kid you know. he's got to keep himself on top or some shit like that. well fine then. i'll just bleh. i'm gonna go before moms head explodes. that would be messy. and i'd have to clean it up. night
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| snooogers |
[27 Mar 2003|09:43pm] |
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gershwin |
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today was shit. absolute shit. my mom and dad flipped out on me today. tons of screaming and swearing. my dad said i was fucking rude and all this fuck stuff. and my mom lost it and smashed her fist into the table a few times sobbing and screaming and i sat there with my face in my hands shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. they sat there and picked at me to get what was wrong with me out. they came to the conclusion that i'd had an emotional melt down 10 weekls or so ago, and i hadn't fixed it. i just shut down and stopped caring. i can't go to group anymore, cuz i found that thats a huge source of my anger and frustration. but now i feel like an asshole cuz i need and want to be there for chels and some other people. but all in all i know i'll feel better if i quit going. well this all started cuz my parents met my teachers. grrr. well they all like me, and belive i can do their classes and get a's it's just that i don't for some reason. and then mom and dad took me home and proceeded to pick at me until they got out what it was that paraliZed me. at first it was serious but gentle, then we all lost it. i was waitin to get smacked. i thought it was so close. i was sooo freezing sitting at the kitchen table, and the sun provided no warmth at all. and they brought up friends. and my father said something to me that is the real thing that made me lose it and cry for like an hour straight, just thinking about it and my face gets hot and my eyes watery....he said that basically all of my friendships, all of anyones, are gonna end, whether i fuck it up or they do. they're all gonna end and yo move on and meet the next person. you can't expect to keep this people friends with you forever. and i lost it. i mean fucking obviously not forever right? you have to die, and i don't expect to stay in touch with my friends that i have now for the rest of my life, but i know i will try, becuz the friends i have now i love with all my heart, as i have with any of my friends from thje past and present. but it was like he said it to make me feel better. but it made me feel worse. and hopless, like everything is gonna end up shitty so whats the fucking point of any of it? i was so devastated i wanted to throw up. all i could think about was john. and the things we said, and how words mean nothing. and how much i must love him for my heart to wrench itself like this every damn day. i had the best friendship with him that' ive ever had with anyone in my life. and i tried to say that and my mom saiid yeah you only thought that cuz u were stoned together all the time. AHHHH what the fuck. my father kept telling me to keep my boundaries and not care about anything that i can't change. and suck it all up and get your work done. and all this mass confusion. and i just wanted to lay down in my bed and sob myself into a nice nap. but then they brought that up and they think thats another way of me shutting down. so i can never have naps anymore. and school wears me out so much. but i have to "keep my chin up" and get through it and if i'm so damn tired to go to bed early and all this shit. my father said i'm grounded for like ever, then my mom was like no, once she has everything caught up and she's doing her work everyday she can have freedom. hah....thank god someone sees how old i am. but still all of this makes no sense to me. i'm just so scared and full of anger and hatred and contempt for the world. and i had to do all of these history notes on ww2 and the holocaust and all of this shit. and it's all fucking soo god damn painful....ahh moms back i gotta typer her homework. night everyone.
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