|Sunday, February 29th, 2004|
3:10 pm - The End?
3:10 pm - The End?
|Monday, February 23rd, 2004|
5:54 pm - No Use for a Title
This won't be like any of my other entries, because "Holy shit, it's actually gonna' be short!"|
Yes, I'm the "Anti-Christ" so don't bother asking.
I had a week off of school by my own will, and one because of school regulations. You'd think my last two weeks would've been fun... or even "remotely fun." Ha, couldn't be further from the truth. I'd be lying if I used any word other than "sucked" to describe it. Why'd I have to grow up in an area where i'm so out of place? I can't even relate to anyone around these parts. It seems as though I was misplaced by the higher power which some call "God."
Why am I always bitching in this journal? I noticed that a lot of my entries were just me bitching at life or the aspects of it. Every day I get all the more reason to bitch and just forget about everything I know. Isn't there a machine out there that can devour my memories? Or maybe restore my heart to a state of emptiness? The pain I feel inside, is like a room with a spiked ceiling coming ever so close to me. When the pain gets worse, the ceiling gets closer. And obviously, it gets far worse with each passing day, until it gets me and all is lost.
Why can't I just stop caring and forget about everything? I long for the days of innocence...
I am my own eternal torment,
The heart is my downfall
Foolishness blinds me,
Death sets me free
Purity can only be held in youth, and death.
Without a purpose in life, all is lost, and all becomes meaningless.
It's not worth killing yourself over, but it makes you... (I'm so out of it. You finish the sentence)
current mood: blah
current music: Music can't salvage the moment
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|Thursday, February 19th, 2004|
1:44 am - Return of the... journal?
Where the hell have you been?|
Why haven't you updated your journal?
I'll tell you where...
Caught up in my twisted, mixed up life.
It seems like everything is just leading up to one big disaster.
I have loads to talk about, and don't know where to begin but i'll try. Hey, give me a little credit here... I haven't fed my journal in quite some time.
I'll have you know that I read the newspaper on a daily basis, so i'm always pretty up-to-date with current events and whatnot. It's hard to explain the way I feel about humanity. You know, it's funny... one day you see hope in obtaining the fabled "peace on earth" thing they're always talking about. I hear it's supposed end all possible means for going to war, but don't take my word on it. I just don't see it anymore. Humanity is continually hitting new lows with each passing day.
No, I won't stop there. Shall we revert to the point I made about reading the paper on a daily basis? Well, if you read the paper religiously like I do, you'd know what I'm talking about. Just a few days ago the local paper ran an article about kindergartners who attack their teachers with scissors. Whoa... wait just one damn second, Captain Righteousness. What ever happened to parental guidance? I'll tell you what happened... parents just decided it would be fun to stop giving a fuck. In most cases, these kids are subjected to abuse, or see these things in and around the house. These are children of parents who weren't ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child.
Believe me, it gets better. These same five year olds were also reported to have sexually molested fellow classmates, and even throw chairs at the teachers. There was actually one instance in which a student repeatedly punched his teacher until back-up was called in to break it up. These kids are being influenced by the media, and these apparent "cultures" which support the idea of seeing women as objects, and which glorify violence. I understand, we can't always blame the parents since these kids are subjected to said views in school and on the streets. We're living in a world in which young children are heavily influenced at such early stages of development. Once their minds are corrupted with such things, it's hard to make them see otherwise.
When you grow up as a child, your brain can be compared to a sponge: It's soft and easy to penetrate, and it absorbs nearly all that it comes in contact with. So this would explain why these kids are growing up to be the product of a manufactured society. They're basically at the command of major corporations and cultures, which are heavily marketed and actually sold.
Ever noticed how most corporations are using the "hip-hop" culture as a means of attracting young kids? Apparently, these corporations feel like being the fucking bastards that they are and capitalizing on the fact that kids are drawn in by this "culture" that they call "Hip-Hop". Now, I know I'm not really in the know about what hip-hop stands for, but I know that it promotes violence and it's even promoting misogyny to a certain extent. Women are being dehumanized in the media, and in these music videos which litter the mainstream media. That's what the kids are being subjected to, so can we really blame them? Getting your head perpetually bombarded by these misconceptions in society take on a long-term effect, and things aren't looking too good for us in the near future.
Call me crazy, but i'm worried about the path in which this misconstrued generation is leading us. As if this wasn't bad enough, we are now faced with the task of fending off fanatics who think the ideal vacation is taking a plane and ramming it into our monumental buildings.
But Mr.Bush, where are the Weapons of Mass Destruction you promissed you would find? Guess what? Survey says: THERE AREN'T ANY. Going to war over ficticious claims is unforgivable. Thousands of soldiers just risked their lives and died for a country who could care less about their well-being. I wouldn't be surprised if a new Civil War arises, and pits the citizens against the government. It has gotten to a point in which the government is leading towards totalitarianism, and the people have little say.
It just really gets to me sometimes, and I haven't even begun to discuss the nuclear threats, and the instability of the earth in itself.
If you ask any self-assured individual what his/her ultimate fear is, you'll most likely hear "A nuclear war."
Unfortunately, we aren't far off from the possibility of a nuclear war setting itself off. Some predictions have it as Korea using one of their nuclear warheads, and starting off a major nuclear war which will see the destruction of humanity as we know. Yeah, that's radical thinking for ya'. But seriously, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about the possibility. Chances of surviving a nuclear war are slim to none, and believe me, I have things to do before I die... BIG things to do.
And while all of this is happening, haven't you noticed an increase in seismic activity around the world? We never experienced this many earthquakes in a certain amount of time before. And recently, we had an incredible amount of activity right on that star we call "the sun." Solar flares like nothing we've seen before recently caused concern for scientists around the globe. Could this be a sign of things to come?
There you have it, we're falling apart with each passing day. The earth is on the brink of destruction, whether it be man-made, or natural... and it seems like there's no way of stopping it. Sure, we all must go on with our lives, and try to keep our heads in the opposite direction.
Is there one last glitter of hope?
I sure hope so... for the sake of our planet, and for those of us who are trying to make a difference.
That just about wraps it up for today, I'm glad I got this all out of the way.
And Stephy, I love you. ^_^
current mood: calm
current music: The Amazing Sounds of Silence
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|Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003|
12:28 am - Crumbling Brain
Cauton: Excessive overload.|
Yeah, that's the state that my brain is in right now. You know that feeling... where so much is going on at once that all of a sudden, everything just completely blanks out and you're left with that feeling of emptiness?
Yeah, my head is malfunctioning to an extreme degree, and all feeling has temporarily vanished. It's like having a physical body but no life inside whatsoever. It's like losing your soul and your purpose in life, only to have very limited control over yourself.
I've now grown accustomed to hearing my parents bitch at me on a consistent basis. I hear the same shit repeatedly, and nothing ever gets solved. Everything turns towards the worst. I was having a fairly good day today until my "parents" decided to strip me of my temporary happiness.
My "dad" is going away on vacation BY HIMSELF for Christmas, so things will be a little better I guess...
I just can't stand hearing him yell at me telling me I'm worthless. I find that everywhere I turn, there's no one there to help or support me. I'm alone within myself until I get out of this place. The only comfort I get is from listening to music, or practicing with my band.
I'm tired of going to school only to get stalked by all the younger girls(Too bad my HS also has a junior high in the same building), it pisses me off sometimes. You know things are bad when a 9 yr old has a "crush" on you. Or when you walk down the hallway only to have some 6th grader who you don't even know hug you and give you a kiss. I know you're probably thinking, "What the hell? I thought all guys liked having this much attention". I hate it. I don't want stalkers, or having to date girls who I find "attractive" but have no personality whatsoever. I need a fucking "soulmate"... or something of the sort. But I know New York isn't the answer...
I had to get all of that out of the way, it's been bothering me lately on top of all this crap with my parents. I feel like cleansing my brain of all things right here in my journal.
Terrorist threat? We're now under code orange? Been there, done that. The media hypes these potential attacks to the point where one wonders if they want us to fear these misguided bastards. That's another thing, I can't stand living in a city where you have to worry about losing your life every second of the day. It's no secret that New York is the #1 target. God, how I long to live in a peaceful neighborhood in a town no one's ever heard of, with some one I love by my side.
Instead I'm stuck in a city instilled with fear, under the household of two psychos who want nothing to do with me, all while having no one there to comfort me... just a bunch of pre-teen nuisances. Call me melodramatic, but this is how things stand in my life. There's no other way to put it.
Life as we know it has gotten harder ever since Bush took office. You know the country is fucked when the most powerful men in America are named "Bush" "Dick" and "Colon". Where was all the fear before the Bush years? I remember living happily amongst my cousins and friends. I remember turning on the news only to find out that token fares were getting hiked. Now When I turn on any news channel, they have war coverage or terror alerts.
I hate to say it... but if things remain the way they are right now, it doesn't look too good for mother earth in the future. WWIII isn't out of the question either. What America needs to do is worry about the people that inhabit this land, and forget about foreign affairs. All countries should look out for themselves and have nothing but love for each and every other country. If a country is in need, then go ahead and jump in. Help them out with financial problems, not a huge arsenal of weapons, such as the case in which we gave Saddam and Osama massive amounts of weaponry.
America has always screwed itself over, and we're paying for it right now. Why? Because we stick our noses where they don't belong.
I usually try to escape from all of this on late nights. I just look up at the sky...and think. I can hear myself think and everything runs smoothly through my head. I love that.
Well, vacation is coming up, and I'm not doing much of anything. School is a bore and I can't help but wonder why I need to learn some of the useless crap they force-feed us. Only a few more months...
Sometimes when I'm in bed, I begin to wonder what the purpose of my existence is. Of course, I decide that for myself by the way I go about things. But I mean, I wonder what's in store for me... what surprises may await...how everything is going to pan out...
I'll leave on that note. My belly is screaming for a grilled cheese.
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|Thursday, December 18th, 2003|
12:44 am - Winter Meltdown
Snow has fallen from the heavens, and blanketed the streets... |
Cool air has entered the area, ice forms around the edges of objects...
Stores are littered with thousands of shoppers hoping to grab that last "Elmo" (Whatever it is he does now) for their child...
Christmas is everywhere...yet, nowhere.
What is Christmas anyway?
The Dictionary has it as: The annual commemoration by christians of the birth of Jesus Christ on Dec. 25th
Now, where the hell is Jesus on Christmas day? All I see is Santa Clause and his pleasantly gay little elves running around. OH DEAR GOD! HAS CHRISTMAS LOST ITS TRUE MEANING!
You can bet your panties on that one.
Since when has Christmas been about giving gifts? All I see are a bunch of greedy little pre-pubecent kids asking for everything they see advertised on the television. I see parents wasting away their hard-earned and often limited money to make these kids happy. They feel it's an obligation to give material possessions on Christmas, and it's no longer a gift of love, rather a gift of heartless protocol.
What ever happened to the gift of love?
Who needs material possessions when love is the greatest treasure of all? And isn't that what Christmas is supposed to be? A time of family gatherings, love and happiness? Now what you get is a generic "Merry Christmas, son" (Father hands kid a present, and resumes watching his Football game while drenched in beer).
Yeah, how very "Merry" of you.
If this really was Jesus' birthday, why would he let a bearded old man and a bunch of elves take the spotlight? Why is it that Christmas evolved into a vital day for major corporations and companies? They're the ones cashing in on societie's misconception of Christmas. The majority of Americans see it as a time of giving and getting...never a time of loving. Hell, I don't think I'd have to look very hard to find a disgruntled couple on Christmas day. I may not even have to get passed my bedroom door.
It's starting to seem like Christmas is becomming a major corporate holiday rather than a loving family get-together. I don't ask for anything... and I hardly get anything anyway, but I don't care. I'm still searching for people who understand the true meaning of it. Someone outside of my misguided family. Just to share the meaning of Christmas with them.
And why the hell do presents have to be tied to specific holidays? If you truly want to show someone you love them, or want to give a gift for the hell of it, do it on a regular generic day. Do it because you want to, not because society has created a mandate to give on specific days.
I'm moved whenever I see a family who understands the true meaning of Christmas. But for every one of these families, there are a couple dozen doing the exact opposite.
As funny as this sounds, Santa Clause has become an icon in pop-culture today. He's the symbol of everything that takes away the meaning of Christmas. I know some of you may disagree, and think Santa Clause is actually good for the holiday. But think about it, dozens of young children are fooled into believing such a man exists. Their minds are obscured and start believing that the basis of Christmas revolves around getting presents.
Here's the ideal situation:
A snowy Christmas eve with someone you love.
You have each others hearts, what more can you ask for?
The only thing keping you warm is their touch.
Spend Christmas together and acknowledge the fact that your hearts are intertwined as one.
And this doesn't apply for one day, this should be every day.
I'm not saying gifts shouldn't be given at all on Christmas, I'm just stating that it shouldn't become the whole basis of Christmas.
I know it's just around the corner, but honestly, I can't say I know where I'm gonna be for Christmas.
Good Christmas or bad Christmas...
I don't think that applies to me anymore. I'm indifferent about it, but I do think about those who I love. I try to make Christmas my own...
I try to make it what it's supposed to be.
Although I don't know where my body will physically be on that day...
I know where my mind is headed...
...somewhere warm and heartfelt.
...lost within the thoughts of a loved one.
...completely free from my body, into a land of its own.
current mood: cold
current music: Wind Splashing Against The Window
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|Wednesday, December 10th, 2003|
11:12 pm - Life After WWIII
Ok, so now that everything seems to be back in order... I'll actually get to write a "normal" entry.|
This journal is full of my emotions and parts of my life. I never realized it but... this journal is very much a part of me. After everything I've written down on here, it would be hard to just let it go. I'm not abandoning this journal, unless I one day feel the need to do so.
ALRIGHT, journal time! (It feels weird after everything that went down)
"Life is unfair" - Said by MANY: Pretty concise, yet very true.
The house was a wreck once again. The "slave drivers" have something up their sleeves... I just can't quite put my finger on it. I know they're planning on doing something that would totally drive me insane, I just know it.
Ok, here's "the deal"
The slave-drivers want me to get rid of the clothes I like to wear, and have a suggested line of preppy clothes that they want me to use. Ok, there's no way in hell I'm throwing out MY CLOTHES and wearing their preppy shit. They think because I'm still under their house-hold, they can command me to wear whatever they want. I'm not a fucking "Ken" doll, for fucks sakes. And if I'm extra nice, throw out my clothes and listen to every damn nonsensical thing they have to say, they won't take my computer away.
I don't know why all of a sudden they're so critical about the way I dress. Did something just hit them recently? Hell, I hate it. And now out of nowhere, they hate my music too. Well...they always have, but not with the same fiery passion. So now I'm faced with either throwing my stuff out and keeping my computer, or keeping my clothes and having my computer get taken away. The quote at the beginning of the entry makes sense, right? You be the judge.
I'm considering talking to my guidance counselor or something, and getting her to keep my pare... I mean, the slave-drivers in line. I'm sure as hell keeping my clothes, which keep in mind, I purchased with my own money (which is never much). They like to take things away from me. Laugh all you want, but they even took money as a child. I had about a thousand dollars saved up over the years as I was growing up. Then they decided to get a kick out of it and go on vacation with my money. I think I was about 9-10 years old when they did this. Hell, I'm broke right now. I blew all my money away, and the slave-drivers never seem to give me any.
Wanna' hear a Christmas story? It's not the jolly kind you hear on t.v. or read in books. It's not the kind you would expect. It's just plain sad. For as long as I've been over the age of 10, Christmas has been nothing but a much needed vacation away from school. Nothing more. The slave-drivers don't give me anything for christmas, yet they pile their closets with clothes. The only people I get presents from are aunts and uncles, whom I sometimes never even get to see. The male slave-driver is going away for christmas vacation, probably to get himself loaded with booze. So I'm not gonna' get to go to my aunts party this year. I'm stuck at home.
No Christmas Tree.
No Christmas Carols.
No family get-together.
Nobody there to love, and share it with.
The best Christmas... EVER >_>
I don't mean to put myself down like this, I just have to get it out of my system.
I just want them to lay off of me, and let me be. Leave my stuff alone. Let me be happy with myself.
Now to take a completely different turn (in a way)...
School couldn't be any more depressing. Yeah, it's so boring that it produces depression. I had to go to the library again (not too far away from my house or school) and do research on school crap. Take out another pair of books, write about them...fall...asleep....yeah, BORING STUFF. The only thing that kept me awake was the fact that there was another class from a different school in there too. Across from my table, sat this amazingly beautiful girl. She had the deepest, bluest eyes that you could just stare into and get lost in... (as I found myself lost during that time). She had long blonde/brown hair and her smile... whoa. I hate to throw around the word "perfection" but she came pretty damn close. Of course, by that, I mean her looks. I don't know what she's like as a person...
Hey, I'm only a man..err, guy. Give me a break ; ) It's ok if my eyes wander off sometimes... right??! Yeah!
Anyway, the library had its upside. And being the person I am, I couldn't leave without saying anything to her.
Classic: "Hey, umm, err... do you know...uhh, what "time" it is?" (Note: There's a giant clock right in back of me)
she "didn't have a watch", so I just stared at her for a few odd second and said... "Alright, umm.. thanks!" and left (laughter heard between her and her friends). And there you have it... my day at school.
Lol, you know this entry is going nowhere when I start talking about pointless things like that whole passage above. But really, that's the only "interesting" thing that happened today. Ah, God I don't know what to talk about. Hey Stephy, I didn't see you online! Grrr... lol.
I think I need an appointment with something called "The Bed"... and it's an emergency. I need to go see it NOW. I can hear it calling my name : )
Good night, starry skies...
Good night, persistent lies...
Good night, painful day...
Good night, snooze away
Dreaming of the pain below,
Hoping for my love to show
Chase away my tainted dreams,
Extend your heart, create a scene
Nightmares you have chased away,
No more sorrow... no dismay
All I see is you in light,
Within my dreams throughout the night
Fighting off my tortured soul,
Piecing back my heart-shaped hole
I'm on the brink of calling it quits,
She appears and then it HITS...
Life is worth living, life is a gift.
Ok, it was a long time since I last wrote poem... so I felt like writing one just now.
I just looked out my window and realized the stars were glimmering seamlessly with the sky. They're really standing out tonight. I think I'll head up to the roof for a while and just stare at them... with a nice glass of Apple Juice by my side...
Ok, I'll end it here for today.... yeah.
current mood: lonely
current music: Complete and Utter Silence
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|Monday, December 8th, 2003|
11:26 pm - I Want A 2nd Opinion
Ok, let me set some things straight:|
1) Disregard my last entry, although I mean everything I said about hating my parents and no longer considering myself their son, forgot the "suicidal" parts. Those were just my emotions on "E-Paper", it doesn't mean I'm actually gonna' act out on them. It just represents the way I feel inside, and I stated that I have things to live for, so don't think I'm ending it all just yet...
2) About cutting myself... you know, sometimes you do things in the heat of the moment. I felt trapped and had no other options at the time, so my mind persuaded my body to inflict pain upon itself. I never imagined seeing myself doing this, but it happened. I regret doing it, and that's the last time I'll ever do something like that again. I apologize to anyone who's disturbed/angered by this.
3) The situation here at home is still the same, and it doesn't show any signs of getting better. I'm not saying everything I wrote in the previous entry is meaningless, it's just I let my emotions take over. I also realized that it upset certain people so I felt it was necessary to clear things up before anyone else becomes upset.
4) Don't think I'm a different person because I sounded like a possessed, maniacal, suicide-prone Dick weed in the last entry. Again, those were just temporary emotions which took over me. I'm still the same person, the only thing that changed was my situation at home, and my perception of thy "loving" family... cough!
5) If you still want to get upset over the whole thing, go ahead. I understand if you happen to feel that way...it's natural. I didn't write it expecting people to like it, I wrote it to vent out my frustration and anger. And to tell you the truth, it helped.
Let past mistakes dig themselves a hole in the ground. Let new beginnings sprout into natures beauty.
...Stephy, I know you took it hard and you were worried about me. I'm sorry, I know you felt bad after reading this and you didn't expect it of me. But as you know, we're all "human" (well, I don't like to consider myself one... I'm a robot!) and we make mistakes. I don't plan on acting out that way anymore, and I regret ever doing so. You know I fucking love you till' death do us part and beyond... and there's not one damn thing that can change that.
If you're ever in doubt about how I feel about you, just look back at this entry. It may be 30 years from now (hopefully we'll be together anyway), hell, it can be 90 years from now... and if you were to look back at this entry, everything would still hold true. I mean it. I <3 you, Stephy.
current mood: drained
current music: Jason Mraz - The Remedy
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|Friday, December 5th, 2003|
8:47 pm - Anger Ventilation
Fuck this. I've just about fucking had... I'm using this entry to vent out my anger. I don't care how many times I cuss, it's coming straight from my feelings.|
I just can't deal with this shit anymore, my fucking limit has been surpassed. My fucking parents swear they have me tied around the neck by leash, and treat me like i'm nothing. Hell, my dad tells me i'm not worth a damn fucking thing.
How the fuck am I supposed to feel when my parents tell me I'm nothing and that they're embarrassed to call me their son? Just shoot me. I can only take so much, mom and dad... I shouldn't even be calling you that. It's more like Slave Master #1 and 2. I can't even bear to listen to them without feeling like I'm being held in a fucking mentally deficient prison.
They just started coming at me for the way I dress and what-not. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK, WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM LOOKING AT MY THINGS. They're talking about throwing out my clothes and my dad said he was gonna give my computer away if I didn't do so. Ok, that just totally set me off. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have music right now or if Megan weren't around to let me know she has gone through the same.
I can't begin to describe the anger that's running inside of me, it's unnatural. I just about gave up on life for a second there... maybe I suck at it. It makes me sick when I see families getting along and having perfect family dinners and parents who respect what their children like. I'm not afraid to say it. I envy those families. It's something I've longed for, to have a decent relationship with my parents but it seems to get progressively worse with the years.
The adrenaline running through me is more than enough to guarantee Headline News about an "angsty teen" who murdered his parents on a cold winter night. I had a sudden rush of tears...from anger, but they were stopped at the gates of my eye-lids. I'm amazed that I haven't done anything severe yet. You guys don't know this since I haven't said anything about it, but I fucking cut myself now. Yeah, I CUT MYSELF. I could care less, I have a hunger for pain all of a sudden. It's better than the pain my parents put me through.
The only thing keeping me from ending it all is the hope of a better future, and the reminder that there are certain people I have to live for. If it weren't for hope or the people I love, life wouldn't be worthwhile as things stand right now. On a day where nearly everything went the right way, a sudden strike of aggression spills blood and spoils the rest. I just want to get away from this fucking shit once and for all. I want to find a place where people will treat me how I deserve to be treated: LIKE A HUMAN BEING.
This house is slowly, but surely leading me into my casket... leading me into the mental institution...leading me into a place where even convicted criminals are better off. What this place is, I don't know, but sadly, that's where I'm headed at this pace. I don't FUCKING know. My douche-bag parents should be deprived of their right to be called "parents".
Fuck, I don't know what'll happen after the dust settles, and all has ended. I may be gone (for those that care), I may do something I never imagined myself doing, or maybe...just maybe, hope will live up to it's name and everything will turn out fine.
All I have is hope and a safe-haven in my heart for the ones I love. Those are my only non-physical weapons (not including my words).
Things aren't looking too good, a snow-covered street might turn into a bloody mess and the air may fill with sirens. I'm one fucked individual right now. I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried it all. I'm trapped.
F*U*C*K Y*O*U "Mom and Dad" You never gave me anything to live for, rather you gave me a reason not to live. I fucking hate you sad excuses for parents. HATE, yeah it's a four-letter word. EAT IT. I always thought you people would eventually change, and realize the error of your ways. It's too late now. You primates are nothing but slave-drivers. Keep my sister, she's the "perfect" child. I'm nothing compared to her. Give her your fucking love and sympathy. Leave me out in the cold. Let me bite the dust. In the end, it's your asses that are gonna' get raped in a butt-sex free way.
I fucking suck at life right? I'm useless, right mom and dad?
Don't talk you fucking hypocrites.
If only you knew how to do your job, everything could be so much better. Instead, it's everything I feared and MORE. Sure, I'm not perfect. But who is? You make me out to be a monster/disgrace/useless piece of trash. You break me into pieces, stomp on me and burn me along with the other crap in your lives. I'm obscured behind your envisionment of the perfect child, which you proclaim to be my sister.
Apparently, I'm just not worth a damn.
This entry is not only for me, but for every kid who ever had/has to go through this bullshit. We shouldn't just take this shit and not speak up about it. It's an epidemic in American society today. It's fucking sad. I know I'm not gonna' allow two Dicks to make the rest of my life miserable. Fight for your feelings and rights as a teen under your parents household. Let them hear it. I'm tired of this shit.
I'm not asking you to do anything extreme, I'm just asking those of you who have this problem to take a stand, don't let them push you around like you're a nobody. I'm not letting my parents get the best of me anymore.
Tomorrow isn't looking too good, I live in the now. I'm doing something now so I'll be better off later.
Mom...Dad... you just lost your only son.
current mood: infuriated
current music: Linkin Park - From the Inside
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|Tuesday, November 11th, 2003|
9:54 pm - The falling Leaves of Summer
Ok, I'll just give it to you straight: This entry WILL suck... like a vacuum cleaning facility under the attack of a top-speed tornado.|
That's a lot of suckage...
Anyway, what's there to say that I haven't already said. I'm going to see the new Matrix tomorrow : )
Yay for me!
Well, there wasn't any school today so as you may have guessed, TODAY WAS A BORING, BORING DAY. I mean, unless you consider sitting around all day doing homework, and watching your mom mop the cracks beneath your feet and computer desk to be "fun", then more power to ya'!
I really need to start doing certain things again. I have to start sword-fighting again if not I may lose my "ability" to PwN everyone who oposes me. I also have to start practicing with my band again, it's been so long...
Of course, all I have to do is the singing, but hey, it's an integral part of the band!
Music has been keeping me alive these past few weeks. I have recieved a Grand-Canyon's-Load of homework. No kid should have to do this much work, I feel like i'm working in a freakin' sweatshop. The same tedious, what-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-do-now kind of homework. I feel like throwing all the damned text-books outta' the classroom windows. Maybe even a couple of desks... but only if i'm feeling lucky : )
Whoa... something just happened. I don't know what to write anymore. My mind is somewhere else.
Let me just conclude this by saying: Old ladies are nice, the next time you see one fall flat on the ground... do Justin and the woman a favor by picking her up : )
Justin cares for the elderly : )
~Good Times~ ::Justin::
current mood: weird
current music: abc - featuring - xyz
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|Tuesday, November 4th, 2003|
7:38 pm - Bleh
Talk about boring... pretty much sums up my day. I didn't have school today, so I spent my hours away listening to music. And when I say hours, I mean non-stop... not even a pee-pee break in between.|
There's this song stuck in my head... I've always liked it but never really listened to it as much as I have today. Actually, 2 songs. Ever see that Ritchie Valens movie? It's called "La Bamba". Anyway, I spent most of the afternoon watching that movie.
For those who haven't seen it, it's about this guy named, you guessed it, Richie Valenzuela (Later changed to Ritchie Valens) who has dreams of becoming a "rock star". He consistently has dreams about dying in a plane crash but more on that later.
He moves from an impoverished town into a better part of California. He meets a girl named Donna at the high school he attends and it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. Eventually he gets to know her better but her dad gets in the way, so things get a bit off-key between the two. So their relationship was in question.
Ritchie goes and does some gigs and gets the attention of a man working for the record industry. As much as Ritchie tries to reach Donna, her father picks up and tells him that she's "elsewhere".
Soon, Ritchie writes a song entitled "Oh Donna" (I'm sure you guys have heard it before and YES, that's one of the songs stuck in my head) and he calls up Donna and plays it for her on the telephone. Ritchie goes on tour to different places in the US and goes on "American Bandstand" so he's seen on t.v by Donna and others. He plays the song for her while on t.v and soon gets a brand new car.
Now he goes back to Donna and things get back on track, he takes her for a ride and tells her how much he loves her... she says the same (Insert make-out scene). He promises to never leave her and that one day, they'll get married. She promises to never let anyone get between them again.
That would be the last time they saw eachother.
Ritchie goes on tour and has to ride an airplane, which he dreads. So one night, he had to take an airplane to get back because he was sick and the tour bus lost it's heating system. He won a coin toss against another guy for who would be able to ride on this warm plane. The plane takes off...
The next day, one of Ritchies songs was being played on the radio, his mother was listening in and so was his brother. The song was cut short for the tragic broadcast... Ritchie Valens, at the age of 17, with 3 hit songs... has died in a plane crash along with 3 others.
Now, the radio plays this song in tribute right after, it's called "Sleepwalk". This song just brings out every emotion in me...especially my weakness: Love. If you've seen the film, it's the opening song where he's dreaming of the plane crash. It's instrumental, just a guitar and soft drumming in the background. Quite possibly, my favorite song of all time for the fact that it has that much of an impact on me.
So yeah, that song has been playing in my head and on my computer for a long time now.
Before I forget, Stephy... look in THE journal, you know which one I'm talking about. The one that's supposed to mean something.
So yeah, my day has had every emotion possible in it.
I have so much crap to do, all my school work has piled up on top of me and hell if I know how i'll be able to topple it over. God, this song just kills me. I don't even know how to feel anymore.
Should I just end this entry now? I don't know what else to say.
I..... *sighs* Yeah thats all.
~Good Times~ ::Justin::
current mood: stressed
current music: "Sleepwalk" or "Oh Donna", You name it.
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|Tuesday, October 28th, 2003|
10:09 pm - I am the American Jesus
Here I am! Yeah, I know you're happy to see me again. Well, today I'm taking a different direction. I will be posting some of my world-famous, superiffic, can't-touch-this UbeR KewL Poems!!!|
Here's how it works: I will be selecting a few poems from thy notebook that I keep and of course, I'll post em' up here. My body is all sore from playing a 3 hour long football game during gym : ) I love it!
So here I am sitting,
Alone in the dark again
What a perfect fucking metaphor
I'm so tired of this
I know I have no reason to feel this pain but,
Of course I can't stop it now
It's nights like this when
I don't want to hear solutions
And my dreams just tease me
With promises of a better tomorrow...
That isn't today yet
And patience isn't one of my virtues
What, you mean this isn't normal for me?
Either I'm damn good at hiding this or...
I spend a lot more time than I like to think...
Lost in my head
Angst may be fashionable these days, but
I'd rather be a happy geek.
The stars above
The bliss of love
It's felt within
Inside your heart
Restricted and helpless
In the chains of hell
But appearance decieves
When all seems well
Lovers die fast
Like Bonnie and Clyde
But lonely hearts
Will slowly die
~Good Morning, Mr.America!~
Mornings are my favorite time of day,
A whole new batch of hours to throw away
But something keeps me going strong,
Something that pushes the day along
I keep myself in constant denial,
my life is at an emotional trial
What gives me the strength to keep on going?
Making the day seem less annoying
Nine to ten, can't wait to do it tomorrow again,
Twelve to one, lights up my heart...blame that on someone,
Two to three, get out of jail free,
Here comes the tricky part: Filling the void in my heart
As stars come up, my bed calls for me,
time to scan my brain... make sure it's glitch-free
Today was classic, can't wait for tomorrow,
It's time to snooze off and extinguish the sorrow
Time to dream about the thing that drives my day,
I'll see you tomorrow... nothing else to say
~Flint For All~
I'll be there to watch it fall,
The sad demise of a city for all
A city controlled by corporate America,
Chewed up and spit out amidst the mass hysteria
Hopeless and jobless in Michigan
a community destroyed, time to begin again
Rebuilding and restoring what once was,
The only thing left is death without a cause
The crime rate keeps rising,
Skinned rabbits have become appetizing
The CEO's are getting richer,
The citizens are getting poorer
I cry my tears of blood over Flint,
An emotional colaboration of sympathy and anger
I'll be there to watch it fall,
Watch it fall...Watch it fall.
~Good Times~ ::Justin::
current mood: awake
current music: Sum 41 - Mr.Amsterdam
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|Monday, October 27th, 2003|
9:32 pm - Cooler than Cool
So... I decided to post almost on a daily basis, and broke my promise. Yeah, I know... I'm a bad, bad mf.|
So what's new you ask? A LOT.
Well, there's too much to even mention so I'll just talk about what I did today.
First off, I ended school early like at around 1:15 and went to the thrift store with my friend.
Then after getting some stuff I headed to my friends house to meet up with some others and shoot parts of this film he's making.
Eh, my nose is running : ( It's been raining all day and I had to walk a long way to get home from my friend's place. Laura is in the movie too so she went along. I dunno though, I'm just gonna tell her that we can't go on like this... since she's leaving, I don't wanna be all heart-broken and all. So if we stay this close, things can get pretty bad. So yeah...I'm ending it, simple as that. I may feel bad about it... but it's the way to go. I have a feeling I'm doing the right thing anyway, and certain people may be happy with this decision i'm making.
What else... Oh yeah, that contest thing I had in the last journal entry. Stephy actually got the right answer, but Liz went and answered "Me!" which of course, would have refered to her. I didn't expect anyone to pick it, but since she picked it, she wins. I'll have to make an exception this time though, so both of you are winners : )
Hmm, Jamie...I'm sorry, lol. That wasn't the right answer, but hey, you tried! And that's all that matters.
Liz, I saw some other pictures of ya' and I must say, I love the red in your hair. Liz= Cutey! Tu sei carina! (That's Italian for: You're pretty) Yeah, I think these were better pictures of you. Not that you didn't look nice in the others...but yeah these were good.
Grr, I miss you Stephy...even though you've only been gone 1 day, lol. Don't ever do that to me again, I dunno if I can take it! And Liz, where the hell are ya! Yeah, you're probably busy w/ the boyfriend but I don't blame you.
Oh, that Alexis chick looked pretty damned cute... well, the most recent "transformed" version of her at least. Just wanted to say for the record.
Other than what I did today, I've been damn bored. Maybe I'll go get my basketball and count all the little bumps on it...FUN!
Umm, what would Justin's journal entry be without a poem?! Yeah, that's right... I have yet another one.
2g373r (For those who don't understand: Together)
Show me the way
And my heart will follow,
Find me the light
That leads to tomorrow.
Bring me the sun
That lights up our sky,
Find me a place
Where nobody cries.
We live in a world,
Where everyone lies.
But, give me your love
And forever we'll be,
You by my side
That's it for now, it's just another poem I had written down in this notebook I keep. I'm gonna fill it all up by the end of the year.
Here's something to make you think...
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the 2nd tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colon."
ahhh, ain't it the truth?
Now, I know you may be asking: Why the hell are your journal entries so long? I don't have time to read through all that nonsensical, pretentious bullshit.
Rest assured, I'll try not to make it this long next time unless you want me to : )
Yeah, I talk too much... I should learn to be more concise with my words, a lot of people tell me I talk too much sometimes.
Do I talk too much?
Argh, I knew it... oh well, at least I'm not like some other people who can't go a second without blurting something out. Note: I'm not referring to anyone in particular.
Well...that about wraps things up for today. Remember kids, flossing is the key to healthy teeth : )
~Good Times~ ::Justin::
current mood: bouncy
current music: Catch 22 - Keasbey Nights
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|Tuesday, September 30th, 2003|
11:46 pm - Questioning Questions
I have no idea why I started having this conversation in school, but let me tell you... it sure was entertaining.|
Being the dork that I am, I asked: Why is it that when a guy talks dirty to a girl it's sexual harassment, but when a girl talks dirty to a guy, it's $3.95 a minute?
The funny thing was that there were a group of girls and guys going at it, arguing over womens rights, blah blah blah....
Eventually, they got off-topic and the conversation somehow turned into what the average size was for a male penis was.
That was an interesting way to start off the day... but hey, it was entertaining while it lasted. Some people just get too overwhelmed in a discussion. Like this one girl in my class, while making a counter-argument to a kids comment, she started crying because she passionately disagreed with him. Talk about "intense"
But all in all, I love my school. It wouldn't be the same without all the drama and crap that goes on.
I watched SpongeBob today : ) my favorite cartoon! I usually never miss it. Besides school though, the rest of the day was pretty damn boring. I listened to music for like the whole day. I wasn't really feeling like myself today.
I love the new Linkin Park video for "Numb" I seriously have to watch it at least once a day, it's like a medication...I can't go a day without it.
I seriously might have to take a time out and talk to this kid. He keeps on trying to flirt with Laura, i'm having a conversation with the girl and he just comes and hugs her out of nowhere. And that's not the first time he did something like that. So after lunch I pushed him against a wall and pretended I did so as a joke, since he said something that would have normally given me a reason to jokingly push him. Except this time... I wasn't joking so I pushed him harder. I'm a bad person : ( it's just I get jealous easily over a girl sometimes. I should apologize to the kid.
Anyway, today was eventful at school and down-right boring at home. I won't post a poem today, since I have to write some tonight. I'll make sure I post one next time. If this entry was boring, i'm sorry... I'll make sure I do better next time lol. If you tell me it was boring, i'll literally do 25 push-ups for everyone that says so.
This entry feels so empty, so I'll ask a question which you can respond to by commenting.
What do I love more:
A) Apple Juice
C) That chick that lives across the street from me that I see every once in a while
D) I love you!!
E) Ruben from American Idol!
Well, I'll reveal the correct answer in my next entry. Get out the thinking cap! I'm hoping these multiple choice questions get people to know me better.
The person who get's it correct will win... a prize. What is the prize you ask? I'm not telling!
If more than one person gets it, the person who posted the correct answer first wins.
Anyway, now I feel my entry for today is complete! so...
~Good Times~ ::Justin::
current mood: awake
current music: NOFX - Anarchy Camp
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12:43 am - Michael Moore Is My Idol
So I watched Bowling For Columbine today. GREAT FILM. Seriously, if you haven't seen it, go see it!|
I can't say it's better than Michael Moore's previous documentary: Roger And Me, but it's a great film nonetheless.
Anyway, I went to see Underworld today at the movies. It's pretty decent actually, could have been better.
Overall, I rate it ***/***** The action is superb, while maintaining a perpetual level of suspense. The movie fails to build on an unwelcome "love" story withing the movie. Definitely a down-side.
Every time I see Laura,it reminds me how amazing she is, lol. Sorry, I had to mention it. I may sound like the dorkiest person ever right now but, when I see her smile in the morning, it turns the cloudiest day into a bright California-style afternoon.
She sits next to me in every class and sometimes our eyes just drift onto one anothers, and we stare for a while... her beautiful clear blue eyes, almost like gazing into an ocean. Yeah, there are very few girls that I've dated that I could say the same about. I can count them on one hand and not have to use every finger.
The problem still remains: She's leaving in like 3 months. I wouldn't want to get any more attached to her than I already am. I know the pain that will be felt when she leaves.
It really seems like fate brought us together, I can't help but think that. A beautiful foreign exchange student comes to my school, we hit it off immediately within the first two weeks. We have TOO much in common, like a lot of the same music and are never really apart from eachother.
Life is unfair. I find an incredible girl, only to know that i'll lose her eventually. Sadly, this happens way too often.
Here's a poem I wrote not too long ago, I decided to post it here since I want every entry to be worth reading from now on. I'll make sure I write enough and give something interesting every time. Enjoy! : )
Thoughts of a Failure
I close my Eyes
and try to imagine
if, after so much
I could abandon
my love for you
and live my life
all that comes
is a memory
of you promising
never to leave...
I look up and
see you waving
I turn away
I close my Eyes
Well, the journal has gotten enough attention from me for today.
~Good Times~ ::Justin::
current mood: pensive
current music: Aerosmith - Crazy
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|Sunday, September 28th, 2003|
4:51 pm - Dusting off the Journal
Yeah I know, it's been a pretty long fucking while. Sue me.|
Anyway, I'm back for now so i'll be writing whenever I feel like it, but at least thats better than nothing.
I've been working on a song, this is the final version as of now:
My eyes ache endlessly from the sun
I know that you're my only one
I've watched the people turn to dust
Count all the losses that I've won
The child is drunk upon his hate
Her addiction's changed my fate
My heart lies empty, dead in heat
The painter paints without his slate
I don't want it anymore
Love is rich and I am poor
Fall in love and rise in pain
I don't want it anymore
No more points for me to score
Die alone, die afraid
Nothing more to hold me back
Nothing shields me from attack
Fall forever, hit the ground
Love is dead, read the facts
Nevermore the raven cries
Truth is great but so are lies
Trapped inside an open box
Free your heart, it slowly dies
(No Instrumental until chorus)
Watch the earth, it slowly turns
Pretty flowers, frizzy ferns
A happy world of death and pain
In our hands is where it burns
(Instruments Played Quietly/Whispered)
Give me riches, I am poor
Rise in love, fall in pain
Give me more, give me more
Give my heart, give it pain
I can dance within the rain
Drunk on love, the perfect drug
I'm crawling out
Well, if anyone has suggestions or comments, go ahead and post.
I wrote this like 3 days ago so I don't expect it to be perfect.
Well, just to catch everyone up who actually gives a damn about my journal, school is better than it could ever be. There's this really amazing girl named Laura who I've gotten to know so well.
We have so much in common, it's like fate brought us together. Well, I'm taking her to the movies tommorow.
The only bad part is she's leaving in like the middle of January : (
I don't know what i'll do... anyway, that's it for now ~Good Times~ ::Justin::
current mood: dorky
current music: Goldfinger - Superman
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|Monday, July 7th, 2003|
11:02 pm - perpetual and Solicitous affection
You changed my world with a blink of an eye |
That is something that I cannot deny
You put my soul from worst to best
That is why I treasure you...my dearest
You just don't know what you have done for me
You even pushed me to the best that I can be
You really are an angel sent from above
To take care of me and shower with love
When I'm with you I will not cry even a single tear
And your touch have chased away all of my fear
You have given me a life that I could live worthwhile
It is even better everytime you smile
It's so magical those things you've made
To bring back my faith that almost fades
Now my life is a dream come true
It all began when I was loved by you
Now I have found what I am looking for
It's you and your love and nothing more
Because you have given me this feeling of contentment
Something i've longed for, nothing to resent
I wish I could talk 'til the end of the day
But now I'm running out of things to say
So I'll end by the line you already know
"I LOVE YOU" more than what I could show
Well, there I go again... But I like writing poems anyway. I haven't updated in a while so here it is!
A BRAND NEW ENTRY! Eh, I had too many cream savers today... my sugar level may be running on HIGH right now, but it never stopped me before. Well, I got a call a while ago from my friend Shane... it looks like his mom was in a car accident and is in critical condition at the hospital. God Damn.
His mom is like a parent to me, I think shes the coolest mom ever! Always makes me kool-aid when I go over. I might stop by the hospital tommorow or after tommorow to bring her flowers or something. I wanna make sure she doesn't die on me, I'll be there to help her get through this. But she is like my family, I have to be there... it's like an obligation to me. I just hope everything is ok when I get there. Anyway, I have to get going... sometimes things can change in an instant, capture a moment forever and keep it. ~Later
You are Love.
You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.
What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood: pensive
current music: Metallica - My friend of misery
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|Thursday, July 3rd, 2003|
11:02 pm - One nation
So tommorow is the 4th of July. |
On July 4, 1776, we claimed our independence from England and Democracy was born.
Tommorow, we celebrate America's birthday.
If you're reading this today, on the 4th of July then, happy birthday America! And happy July 4th.
Tommorow I'll be spending the day with the family, eating, sharing stories, playing games, having fun... being grateful.
Fireworks light up the New York skyline... quite a sight indeed.
That is a 4th of July in the city I love: NEW YORK
Fuck the terrorists, we still stand strong.
“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands. One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
current mood: thankful
current music: God bless the fucking USA
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|Tuesday, July 1st, 2003|
12:47 pm - Unchained Love
I've never known a love so true|
Until the day that I met you
Your kindest words, your sweet embrace
Just the look upon your face.
The day I met you, my life changed
I knew that it would never be the same
The days go by, the nights so cold
I want you here for me to hold
I cry for you, no words can say
How much I need you in every way
I know right now we're far apart But we're always together, in our hearts.
I know that in whatever we do
You'll always help to see me through
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME
Because you're my one and only, MY DREAM COME TRUE!!
current mood: busy
current music: Linkin Park! - Faint (music video)
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|Monday, June 30th, 2003|
8:49 pm - ---Following the trend again