| >> Early in the Game... |
[03 Sep 2003|05:56pm] |
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mood |
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& Restless |
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music |
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We Still - Frankie J |
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I guess you could say that I've had a pretty complicated week. Nothing new has been happening, or anything eventful for that matter. I really need to get out more often. I'm up for a drink... or two. If anyone's up for that, you know where you can hit me up..
I've been talking more and more to Tara. And the more that I talk to her, the more I grow fond of her personality. I feel as If I can speak to her about everything and anything without reluctance, because in some mysterious way, she knows exactly how I'm feeling. I don't even need to tell her that something's wrong in order for her to recognize it. She sees everything just by the way I look at her and that simply justifies that our friendship we share is truly worth keeping. She is an amazing person, and with each moment that passes, my admiration and strength for her extends just alittle bit more. I hope that someday she'll be able to realize her true worth, and until that day comes, may God hold her in the palm of his hand.
I also spoke to Britney. Nothing to celebrate over, Kids. It was just another one of those meaningless conversations where we confronted eachother. Of course it all ended on a cold note. I wasn't surprised. I knew things would end up this way between the both of us. It doesn't matter anymore.. she has went her way, and I have went mine.
Meagan Goode. The name alone just makes you want to do the weirdest things. What can I say about her. I'm convinced she is the hottest ma here.
I called her up last night. I started speaking to her when I finally realized she thought I was a wannabe trying to stalk her. I felt embarassed... not for me but for the crackers who wanted to pose as me. So I asked her what I had to do in order to prove to her that I was the real thing, and of course, I had to sing. Why do I always have to sing? Couldn't I just have talked ghetto and then she'd be convinced? Eminem gets away with it.
Anyway, I sang for her. I didn't mind at all. But I knew she was convinced. So, we hung out. Things seemed to click and she's an awesome person. I don't want to say or assume things too early in the game. But I'm feeling this to be honest.
We'll see...
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| >> Alittle Love Is all I ask... |
[01 Sep 2003|03:05pm] |
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mood |
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& Irritated |
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music |
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Cliff Richards - Ocean Deep |
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I have unerringly two choices. I could write and protest about all the issues that are developing in my life and complain of how much money doesn’t bring joy in one’s life nor happiness. I could complain about all my relationships going downhill, or complain that the more money, the more problems. I could complain incessantly and Not give a damn of what society thinks or is influenced to believe. Or... I could brood in my own sorrow and misery and pry myself away from the world and never give faith a fighting chance.
I’m not emo... I’m just tired. And being tired makes me Irritated.
I feel as If I’m almost at the peak of my career. I wake up each morning, analyzing my environment and breathe in every breath without dismay and I ponder to myself, “Is this my life? Is this really my life?”. There Is never a day that passes by I don’t thank the Lord for what he’s given me. What he’s blessed me with. I thank him for my family. Especially my mother, Who has been my best friend and solace ever since this journey began. I thank him for the talents that I’ve been blessed with. If It weren’t for those talents, I wouldn’t be standing at the same place I am standing today. I thank him for everything...
And yet, I feel somewhat incomplete. A gap between reality and fantasy. I feel as If there’s a missing part of me that refuses to be shown. As If pride is standing in it’s way. I feel as If whatever I do, no matter how hard I try.. I’ll never be good enough.. For this life that he has given me. I feel like I have to wake each morning and please the media because It is what I live for. I feel as If I sometimes have to become a person that I really am not in order to have the publicity I need, or the records That I need to sell. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. and I need a break from this long tour that Has tired me out.
I can’t be the person.. That you all want me to be.
I want to spread my wings. But I just can't fly. As the string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by. Ocean Deep... I'm so afraid to show my feelings. I have sailed a million ceilings. In the solitary room, ocean deep. Will I ever find a lover? Maybe she has found another. And As I cry myself to sleep. I know this love of mine I'll keep, Ocean deep....Love. Can't you hear when I call? Can't you hear a word I say? Alittle love Is all I ask, alittle feeling when we touch. Why am I still alone? I've got a heart without a home, Alittle love... Is all I ask. And that is all...
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| >> Reckless Caring.. |
[30 Aug 2003|03:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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-> Exhausted |
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music |
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Seven Nation Army - White Stripes |
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We all wish to make something of ourselves. We all wish that all the burdens and all of life’s flaws will burrow themselves six feet underground and by no means return to our lives and we may live on in tranquility. We all wish that we could get away from ourselves and perhaps life itself and just find a place that’s not too far away to pour our distressed souls to.
We all wish for matters that have been lost for an innumerable point in time to fall back into our hands and back into our control. We all wish for something.... But yet, do nothing to achieve it. Why do we wait.. why are we procrastinators in the times we need to react most? Why Do we find golden opportunities given to us on silver platters, and yet hesitate to reach out? And why, when we grasp these things, become so hard on ourselves? Why are we our own worst enemy?
It’s true. We are so exceedingly rigid on ourselves that we persuade ourselves to believe in such things that in other people’s eyes, are not even that crucial. I criticize myself every time I make a mistake. It bothers me the whole day and all I can think about is that one moment where I did something wrong and how imperceptive I could have been or could have seemed and then that mistake lingers in my mind and devours away at me and then gradually becomes another tedious burden to cast upon my shoulders. But then, we all make mistakes. So many that sometimes, we can’t even count. And It’s probably because we’re human. And we are....we are everything BUT perfect. We all have different views, different boundaries to our self limits. Yet, we continue to put ourselves down for our numerous mistakes. None of us can help the things life has done to us. They’re done before you realize it, and once they’re done, they make you do other things until at last everything comes between you and what you’d like to be and you’ve lost your true self forever.
I Guess you could say that I’ve had a lot on my mind these past couple of months. More than I possibly should have. And maybe no one sees the burden on my shoulders except me, but that’s all I need. Is me. And I’ve gone through past experiences before where I needed no one else but me. I went through hell and back and the only person I needed was me. Because I know that in the end, the only person I’ll have...is me. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay with knowing that I don’t have to depend on someone the rest of my life, asking them to be at my every call and to pick up after me and to brush up on things that I made mistakes on. I’m okay with knowing that I can live with my own self and my own battles and brush up on my own mistakes and live my own life. I’m okay with that. But I think that the only reason why the thought of needing someone remains to linger in the back of my mind is that awareness of insecurity and instability. We all have that feeling of needing someone. I’m sure I can’t find one person here on Earth that doesn’t feel that way. And That’s what also makes us human; our feelings to feel and to care, and to love, and to stress about our own self mistakes.
This self bashing for our stupid mistakes gets us nowhere. It only lowers us and our morals. I’m okay with being human...I’m okay with living with my mistakes because I was the one that made them, and I am the one that has to live through those perpetual battles of fighting through to get over them. I have my whole life set out before me, One mistake shouldn’t ruin my rapture. It is the very purpose as to why we exist; to live without fear and to pursue all that is intended for us. This reckless caring is why we’re here today.
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