| Extrinsic Rewards |
[31 Jul 2006|09:57am] |
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I can hear the all of the song birds in the yard. |
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To sum up the past couple of weeks:
Seperated from spouse
Attending Al Anon family support group
Started my Psychology class over
This morning as I was reading in my Psych 1 book this paragraph struck a cord with me and I realized I had been living with this attitude for some time:
"I am being paid for it. Since I'm being paid, it must be something I wouldn't do if I didn't have to."
Well basically finances did keep in my marriage. No one likes to go without. But then again we have to look at the big picture and say at what price will I sell my happiness?
When I realized that I could take care of myself and I had the courage to change myself the big picture came into focus more. I may just like my psychology class after all. I am slowly changing the belief I had that I had to fix my spouse. He doesn't think he is broken. I think I will leave him alone and continue to grow just for me. I feel happier and healthier now than I have in the past two years. Of course it is not my psych class that is soully to blame. I am back in church full time and the al anon support group is going to be a big assest. I want to be well, alive, and free.
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| Leave It To Country Music |
[10 Jul 2006|10:16am] |
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Would You Go With Me |
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LEAVE IT TO COUNTRY MUSIC
Just out of the shower and I have CMT going. I love music in the house. Today I saw a new video but it was the words that captured my attention. I have been trying like heck to wrap words around what I have been feeling where my marriage is concerned. I don't even like calling it a marriage anymore. It is just a relationship with someone I live with. So here are the lyrics. SheDaisy reached right in and pulled them from my heart.
Now and then I confess you cross my mind
Now and then I guess I have a little too much time
I've changed my way of thinking
I've tried hard to separate
What came too soon
From what came too late
(chorus)
I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love
I'm countin' on heaven to understand
I didn't mean to go and mess up all the plans
Sometimes you know where you should go
Before you know the way
I'll bother with tomorrow
Once I've made it through today
(chorus)
I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love
I don't think about black in terms of gray
Or revelations in the light of day
I don't think about cold in terms of ice
Or second chances happenin' twice
(chorus)
I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love
In the beginning we make our habits. In the end our habits make us.
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| They Call Her Geraldine |
[10 Jul 2006|08:21am] |
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Does every small town have the local prostitute? Our town has Geraldine. I kid you not that is her first name. I have a daughter that works in one, of the two, supermarkets we have here. Yesterday, at lunch, she proceeds to tell me and her grandmother about how her boss has started selling condoms. It seems he got in a TRUCKLOAD of condoms. I am actually thinking one or two cases but she said TRUCKLOAD. She even over exaggerated the word like I typed it. She also went on to say how Geraldine bought the majority of them and checked out through her. As Geraldine was leaving she made this comment to my daughter, "for this amount of money this better be worth it." We all shared a YaYa Sisterhood moment with the belly laugh that produced.
Of course the conversation turned to how long Geraldine has been doing this to make her living. The daughter that works as a cashier is 17. I met Geraldine when I checked groceries about 18 years ago. Geraldine was a hooker then too. She would buy candy by the pound because, "all of her men friend like candy in a bowl. It is sophisticated." I don't think I will ever forget that line from her.
I had to ask my mom a question about Geraldine and folks like her. After all we had just come from church where our bible class teacher had made this comment, "we need to minister unto each other's needs." Of course he was referring to within our church family, which I believe is missing the whole Christ like concept. But back to my question to my mother. I asked, "don't you think those people who could have given Geraldine and those like her a chance to better themselves and there by bettering their community, will have to answer to God because they didn't help others outside their comfort zone?" Of course I was thinking about all of the people I go to church with who have stores and hire people all the time.
I hope that makes sense. But I believe God won't judge her because she has had to make this her profession. She is not on welfare or dependent on the state. Folks who have businesses here in town have probably never once asked her if she would like a chance to better herself. I could name several folks like her that could use a break right here in this little country setting. I do believe those folks who could have made a difference in such lives and didn't will have a few questions to answer. I believe this about anyone at any station they are in. If you could treat your fellow man, your family, friends, co-workers, etc.... better and you don't then don't complain when they in turn treat you with the same disregard. Especially if you claim to hold what the Bible says as the truth complete and whole.
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| I Can Hear You Knocking But........ |
[09 Jul 2006|07:54pm] |
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I finally figured out how to put music on my dear diary. It rocks. Unwell by Matchbox 20. I like that band. I think my favorite song by them is Mad Season.
The silence of the house was broken today by a single phone call. Will be there in about an hour. The fishing trip is over. Grumph!! He did share pics of our youngest holding up their catch. She is well on her way to Ft. Worth to be spoiled.
There is a distant rumbling of thunder and the hint of rain in the air. I love that smell. I love how rain can cleanse the earth and make it look all new and refreshed.
I had a great day. Met a new friend and we talked all afternoon. I had to let him know that I enjoyed his company. It has been a coons age since I have been in the presence of a man who talk something other than stocks, finances, or politics. We just randomly shared each other's company and it was great. I am still smiling.
The weekend is over. I wish I could shut the door on Monday. It's knocking folks.
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| 27 Dec 2004|06:56pm |
[08 Jul 2006|09:58pm] |
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 indescribable |
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Can't think of a better title for this entry. I was looking back over some past entries and realized why I choose this site for my thoughts. After reading the aforementioned date I realized something. I no longer feel that way. I can't even remember what an intimate life with my spouse was like. Oh, I do miss it, but not with him. For once in my life I am taking the right steps to better changes. No more hasty retreat like a band of misfits with cops on their tail. I am detaching with my head held high because I know I gave it my all. B can play the dumb and blind part in this scenario. I know I still need him for the time being, financially and that is all. Does it make me a bad person? Does it make him one for always thinking I will be there when he needs me and to hell with my needs in the relationship. Perhaps it is all mutual. But for now I smile because there are no more tears. Maybe that is why I changed blogs. Hope still lived here. I am ready to admit it no longer exists.
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| It Rolls Downhill From Here |
[08 Jul 2006|04:16pm] |
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The Hum of The Air Conditioner |
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Holy Smoke Batman!!
Had to quote my 17 year old when she is in a silly mood.
I am bored to tears today. You might say that is how I found Blurty again. It all comes full circle doesn't it? So I am thinking that I am versatile enough to keep up two journals. Well, actually this will make three. Being the unsuspecting soul that I am I joined..... hang on a bit going to another browser and looking it up..... www.doshaspace.com
I haven't updated there in a month or more. I haven't had any spiritual enlightment happen in a coon's age. I have come to realize, while typing this, that my eyesight does not like Blurty's posting block. That is one thing that has diminished on me since last I posted. My doctor assures me he can keep me from going blind. Hey, it wasn't from masturbating too much!!! Remember that old adage?
Two daughters are now in college and a third will graduate this next year from HS. Geez, I am getting older... not old.... just older. I have successfully started a janitorial business and because I am the boss I only work part time. In a small hicksville town that is all the hours I care to scare up. But I have put in a bid for our towns municipal buildings. I would love to get that contract. I should know before July is finished.
So while I was out browsing the choice of blogs at my fingertips courtesy of Google, I ran across one entry that just screamed as an entry on my journal. I found this one where someone is having to live in an assisted living environment. I didn't dig around long enough to find out what "Ray" had done to get him there. It had something to do with his legs and physical therapy. I scrolled down the page and one of his friends had left this comment:
" If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."
Well what if God had nothing to do with bringing you to a certain fork in the road? What if you just landed then unbeknownst to you by something crappy a fellow traveler had done? I mean shit does roll downhill after all and it usually gets its stink all over the unexpecting.
Yeah, my frame of mind is still in a wonderful place. Can't you tell? Off to find my next never never land to read. This may be the longest entry yet on my little world here in diary land.
So now I feel like I need to back up and explain my frame of mind. But hey I don't want too and that is my perogative. Go here if you want to know what has been going on with me.... http://Justawoman.deardiary.net
Here is my doshaspace too..... http://www.doshaspace.com/profile/profile.php?profile_id=76
The whole dcsha thing is interesting to me. I recently started looking at animals as totums. I kept having spiders drop on me one day. Talk about my worse nightmare come true. I am scared to death of even the tiniest spider. I figured there was something to this whole spider thing. So I ordered Animal Messages. Here is what spider meant:
Travel will open up new possibilitiesand one special connection.
And with that note I am off to update my dosha space. To all of you who kept up with me at one time I apologize. Come visit if you dare and I will back on Blurty again. Just not as often. This is far too small a print on my eyes as I am typing. Peace to you all.
Just remember....This ain't no trail ride.
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| Dear Diary |
[30 Dec 2004|04:50pm] |
This will be my last entry on blurty. Why???? Well I have found another site that lets you use your own graphics. I have been looking for this for sometime. I now have my pink background and all of my entries are moved over. It was easy to set it up but I wanted to say by to you three lovely people who have read this blog. Thanks again.
deardiary.net
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| Change of Subject |
[29 Dec 2004|06:40am] |
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I awoke this morning wanting to talk to someone. My daughters that are at home are asleep. Hubby leaves for work way earlier than I get up. So I thought I am going to post on blurty, just not talk about my marriage. The advice was great but my brain is overwhelmed with it all.
This tsunami thing is wild. Watching the carnage on Foxnews is sad. Hearing the stories is even sadder. My hubby read me some of the accounts last night off the internet. What were those people thinking that went down to the ocean as the water was receding? I mean I don't live anywhere near a beach but red flags would have been going off in my head at being able to see the ocean floor and fish flopping. The water went somewhere, it most surely will be coming back. Move your feet people and get out of there. They only had maybe a 4 to 5 minute time span to clear the area.
I have never seen the ocean. I heard it once. We were at a rest stop in LA around 3 am, heading to Camp Pendleton. It was darker than dark out towards the ocean. I rolled my window down and listened. Kinda got spooked and could not for the life of me imagine that much water roaring like a lion. When we passed back through I was asleep. I was ready to get out of California and return home.
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| Picture Book Picture of Your Poppa |
[28 Dec 2004|02:42pm] |
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 nostalgic |
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I have truly found all the words of encouragement, well encouraging and uplifting. But I also realized today, thanks to someone, that I need to truly re-examine myself and where I see my marriage going. I did the affair once after meeting someone online 5 or so years ago. I honestly can't see myself going there again and doing that to my family. I don't want a divorce either. That much I am sure of.
I keep thinking back to the year my sister died with cancer. I would call her home in Dallas and usually get her spouse. I didn't like this man at the time. On the rare occassion that my sister would be home alone she would pour her heart out about her marriage. We made a trip that year to spend Thanksgiving with her and her hubby. He asked me to go to the grocery store with him. The whole way D kept talking about how he missed sex, how my dying sister had no interest in him and hadn't for over a year. I thought that was the most ugliest thing I had ever witnessed coming from a grown man's mouth. I just wanted my sister back and whole.
Now fast forward. It is never easy for anyone to go see a doctor and share your fears about your health. It is hard for women and it has to be even harder for a man. I am petrified about having my first mammogram. After all most men are taught that real men don't show signs of weakness or cry. They tough it out when things get bad. So my spouse went, so my spouse made some lousy excuses to me about why he was acting like he was, so my feelings were hurt. That is life,right? Now that we have some answers I am going around acting like he should be bouncing back full force from neglecting his body's health for a whole year. Selfish. No other word for it.
I have to ask myself is it worth throwing this 20 year committment away because I am not getting my jollies off? Can I see myself without him? So for awhile I am not going to be posting on blurty. I am going to go back and look at my life from the time it started with him to now. Relook at all of the ups and downs and see if there is more to me than this juvenile girl that wants loose to have her own way. Love has to mean more than what I want and I what I think I need and have to have. So thank you again for all the well meaning posts. They have made me think. Trying to find a pic to share with a new friend made me stop and do a double take. I do have alot to loose if my own attitude doesn't change. Mainly my own self respect and that of my children and family.
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| Surprise.... Surprise....Surprise |
[28 Dec 2004|11:08am] |
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I left a note this morning for my youngest daughters before heading to work. I wanted them to dust the house and take the trash out. When I got home they had cleaned the entire house. I jumped in and did the vacuuming. What nice surprise to know that they can work together and do such a great job. I think I will go log in at shockwave and play a few games before lunchtime. Nothing like the smell of a clean home. I am also greatly relieved that I have no cleaning contracts to fulfill this week. An easy week is just what the doctor ordered. Plus I am sore this morning from lifting weights. Dang!! I refuse to admit I am getting old. I did get tickled at the lady at wally world yesterday when I went and purchased my beginning weight set. She was by far younger than me and had difficulty lifting my dumbbells. I guess I haven't slacked off that much after all. *L* Now I want an elliptical stepper. The gym should have never let me in. Why pay a membership when you can have what they have? I am bad!!
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| Walking Away From Narrow Minded People |
[28 Dec 2004|06:46am] |
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Only The Echos Of My Mind |
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I just don't have the patience to deal with folks who have the audacity to tell me that how I feel or think is wrong. It makes my temper boil. I have heard that from more than person through out my adult life. It is the one sentiment I refuse to tell anyone else. What right does anyone have to tell another human being that what they know they are feeling is wrong? It doesn't matter if it is on a forum, in person, at work, etc..... It is just flat wrong for someone to assume they have all the answers and that they can not learn a damn thing from someone else.
I guess the last straw for me was a reply on a forum I post at. I had a dissenting viewpoint from one of the egoheads there. After his post he put, " No. Wrong. Go Away." So I have. It is that simple for me. I don't need to be bombarded with rocks to get the picture. It is not the first time this elderly gentleman has thrown them at me. Plus I am not as active as I use to be on this particular forum. The bickering is unreal. The whining needs a rictor scale. Half the time when someone needs actual advice in the relationship column they get mad when you offer any. It is usually common sense solutions and apparently this site doesn't function on common sense. The site is more liberal than I care to ever be. So I will stick with the conservative site I do post at and a more friendship based site I am very active at. I have enough inner turmoil in my personal life, I don't want to continue being in the center of it online.
Vanilla coffee rocks.
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| GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN |
[27 Dec 2004|06:56pm] |
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Maroon Five |
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[quote]Or even for his breath on your neck b/c you know he's facing you and not rolled to his other side. That makes me sad when he does that.~SA, TX[/quote]
I liked this when you posted it. So I am beginning a new journal entry with it. This one quote brought back so many wonderful memories. I am not sure what all is allowed on Blurty but I don't want to forget. So I feel obligated to myself to put those memories down. The only reason I started a blurty journal was for privacy. Privacy from my own spouse. A place to vent my feelings. You won't find my wild erratic thoughts on current events or world affairs. If you want to see them then ask me where I post in forums. I will be more than glad to tell you. But this journal is selfish. It is all about me!!
The first time we made love we could not keep our hands off each other. He was unforgettable. To this day I love his scent. Each time after that it grew stronger and deeper, at least on my part. I could not get enough of my JD.
We bought a new car, a few years after being married, and we christened it by making love in it. That thought makes me smile to this day. I hated getting rid of that car. I became pregnant with our second child at his grandparents house. We were visiting them and after 4 years still could not keep our hands off each other or our eyes. He is still beautiful, sexy, handsome, and mysterious. We laughed and smiled during our visit to his grandparents because they shared seperate bedrooms after 50 years of marriage. We learned that trip that Grandma moved out of their bedroom after delivering her 5th child and giving Grandpa his son. We both comment that no way could we live like that. We wanted to be touching at their age and still in love. We wanted our grandchildren to see that between us. 9 months later we had our second daughter and she was perfect.
He surprised me once out in the barn. Over an old rickety table out there we made love. We didn't care if we got caught. That was well after having our 4th child. It was a warm autumn day and the smell of hay was in the air. We walked back to the house hand-in-hand, quiet and smiling. I thought then that any problems we were having in the past recent months were gone. I was talking about things that were going on in my family and trusting my spouse to understand and be there for me. I was coming off a huge chat addiction I had online, which almost did cost me my love and best friend. Hubby decided it was time to quit being a long haul trucker and time to devote himself to me and our children. It was not easy for him and he came home to find me caught up in circle of so-called friends. I worked at dropping the need to be online every free minute. We were becoming what we were years ago, in love with each other.
The last time we made love it was sad. We clung to seperate sides of the bed afterwards to afraid to speak or move. Not sure what had just transpired but we both knew it was ugly and desperate. We haven't touched since. Words have been exchanged. I wanted answers and I asked what was up? Who is she? Only to be told it was me. I am tired of "baked beans". I dropped it and a few weeks later he came in saying he was a diabetic. The doctor explained that this is the reason he has no sex drive, no energy, no desire to do anything he once loved to do. My JD just looked at me and said, " this explains alot." Was it an attempt at an apology? I don't know. His eyes spoke volumes. My sense of well being is still shattered. My security in what I thought he saw in me is gone. It is relegated to the used bin much like you would treat leftovers you have warmed up one too many times. I have truly begun to shut down in this relationship.
I hear his words about our future, our retirement, our grandchildren we might have some day. But all I feel is empty. I don't want to become bitter. I want to feel passion again. Yes, sexual heat. I want to be caught up in the moment again and plunge forward with no regrets, no thinking involved. But this time I find myself weighing the consequences. I can't seem to say, "damn the torpedos and full speed ahead." I don't want to hurt him again.
I honestly feel like this whole entry is a repeat. Maybe Tina Turner's song hit the nail on the head," What's love got to do with it?"
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| THESE DREAMS |
[27 Dec 2004|06:31am] |
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A train's whistle as it goes thru the countryside. |
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For the past couple of months I have been having dreams where I am angry with my husband. They are very vivid dreams and they always include another woman. He is always drunk in these dreams and at a party. This other person always answers the phone and plays dumb. She won't let me talk to him until I get upset with her. It always seems to be that it is me and our youngest at home. The other girls are gone.
I realize that I do have alot of bitterness inside me where our sex life is concerned. I have posted this before and more than once. I might not have come out and said that I was bitter in each post that refers to our sex life, but it is evident in the post when I go back and reread them. He has basically left that part of our life behind. I realize it is due to his health. With a father who has diabetes, I know what it can do to a man's penis and sex drive and overall energy. I read the information my mother came in with years ago. I read now. I wanted answers. But still the resentment is there on my part that we seem to be further apart physically than we ever have been.
I noticed this morning my pillow was practically shoved up under my husband's. It has been in the middle of the bed for quite sometime now. Am I looking for him during my sleep? It would be reassuring to feel his arms, his presence when I fall asleep. I could eventually get over the lack of sex but to feel no kind of physical touch is hard. We use to fall asleep touching somewhere, somehow. Hands, fingers entangled under my pillow. My arm around him. His arm around me. Feet touching. Nothing now but those persistant dreams of my angry voice over his cell phone.
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| BAH HUMBUG |
[26 Dec 2004|01:47pm] |
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exhausted |
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Christmas came and went. The best part is actually getting to stay home and be with my immediate family. We did make an appearance at my hubby's family's get together. We always stay about 30 minutes. He did not go with me and the girls. Everyone was doing fine. We left when they started the gift exchange game.
I am going to see George Strait!!! What a great gift from my spouse. He can surprise me at times and in the nicest ways. I am excited. Christmas was good to us all this year.
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| Dog Days of Christmas |
[21 Dec 2004|03:33pm] |
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 busy |
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music |
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Christmas Music |
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Our families christmas has started out stressful and is slowly making a turn towards normal. Jessica wanted to make her boyfriends christmas memorable. What does she do? She goes and brings home a puppy. A border collie, female, 8 week old poop machine. Jessica does live with our oldest daughter Jenny. So it really has been Jen that is more stressed out over the doggy situation than the rest of us. Jen went and borrowed an animal cage to put the puppy in when they have to leave the house. Jessica is the type of person that never stays home. True to form it has been mainly Jen that has had to take care of the boyfriend present. At least the little dog has a wonderful personality and that has made it a tadbit more bearable for Jen to accept. Christmas day is on the horizon. The stress started when I got the phone call Monday morning.
Jessica knew her goose was cooked when she didn't bother to come home Sunday night and left the little visitor totally in Jen's care. No one knew where Jess and her best friend were. We all discovered together that they were at a party and had become to drunk to drive home. "Real mature move there Jess", is all I could think. Dad wants her to move back home. Jess is doing the kiss ass thing hoping it will keep her at her big sister's home. I am staying out of it. It is between my hubby and our oldest to decide what happens to Jess and her taste of independence. After all Dad made the rules he needs to enforce this one and have a talk with his daughter.
I am actually through shopping for the holiday. It is all down to wrapping. I keep coming in with little gifts here and there but the actual gifts are bought. I hope it snows for christmas. Right now we have the cotton gin snow. What a dirty mess it actually is when you look at it up close. Snow would sure clear the air of this grit.
Brandon's parents are coming down. His father invited us out to the Millens. I doubt we go simply because it is B's mothers family and she never invites us or tells us what is going on. We have been married for 20 years and she has yet to stop and ask," would you two like to exchange gifts with the rest of the married couples?" We went out there last year at the exact moment that they were exchanging gifts. We felt so left out, so we loaded up the girls and came back home to our family nest. Brandon's Dad did say that," you and the girls can come out Lori. You don't need Brandon." Well guess what? Brandon is my family and where he goes, I go. His family has yet to realize that, " YES, our marriage is lasting and working." He even had a cousin once have nerve enough to tell me that Brandon was not welcome at his home anymore but that I could bring the girls to see them. I politely declined the invite. I informed this cousin that if Brandon was not welcome I was not welcome. That was 6 or so years ago. The whole reason was silly for him not wanting his own cousin at his house. Brandon and I were putting a cousin to work that the family was having problems with. This particular cousin's wife didn't like this troublemaking cousin and forbid Brandon on her place. Funny though, this very same cousin is now talking to the troublemaking cousin again but has never apologized to Brandon for letting his wife come between them. They grew up together and were best friends for a long time. Our only fault was trying to help someone she didn't like. Her lose.
Families at the holidays can be so hypocritical. I personally don't want nice-nice made at me when behind my back such underhanded things have been said and done about people I truly love. I hope we stay at our house and eat, play, laugh, get lazy, and smile alot.
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| 40 TODAY |
[18 Dec 2004|08:47am] |
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I turned 40 today. I really don't know what 40 is suppose to feel like, so I will continue to feel as young or old as I choose. The past year I have noticed a few changes in my appearance. I have put on weight. I don't like this but I don't seem to be really motive to tackle getting it off. I am still active and exercise but I don't really put out the kind of effort it would take to be as small as I was when I was say, 30. I have alot more gray hair up front. It is actually coming in blondish looking. It goes well with my reddish hair. I still color it though when it gets to be too much up front. My feet hurt alot. But then again arthritis in the feet is something my father and mother both have. It is also a motivation to try and work harder on controlling my weight and watching what I eat and taking my vitamins/minerals. My feet really do not like the cold weather. They ache when it is cold but go on I must.
So Happy Birthday to me!! All-in-all I feel pretty damn good and still enjoy life.
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| THE WELL MEANING FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS IN MY LIFE |
[13 Dec 2004|05:45am] |
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cheerful |
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music |
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KMUL 103.1 |
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I do love and appreciate my friends. Here lately they have been making me feel really stupid. I know they want to see our Jess succeed in fulfilling her dreams. That is why they send information about culinary schools and email with well meaning tidbits of information. Do they really think we have waited this close to graduation before researching into this? Do they think we don't talk through possible scenarios for her to achieve her dreams? Right now I want to scream at them and tell them to stop. Not only are they bombarding me but I am sure Jess is tired of her phone ringing with questions and advice, " have you decided where you want to go?', " go here", " you ought to do it this way". I know it is all overwhelming to me how many times Papaw phones. He alone is driving us nuts. He wants her to live in Tennesse because the school is free, IF SHE GETS ACCEPTED. But the down side is she has too meet all of her living expenses and how in the hell could we get to her fast if she needed us. I wish he would shut up about Tennessee. The women in our lives, on the otherhand, are the ones that keep calling and emailing about this school here or what they would do and have we done anything yet. Jeez enough already. The more they push their agenda onto my daughter the more she will want to do something else just because it will seem like it was their idea and not hers. That is her personality and I can't seem to make Mamaw understand that. I just want Jess to be happy with her choice and be able to be successful at whatever choice she makes. I don't mind researching and finding the information for her but the ulitmate decision is hers. It won't be my life to live but hers. Plus I don't understand why Papaw has to phone everyone that he has possibly found her a school that will pay her to attend. He called our oldest daughter to brag about this. Jen was like, " and I care why? Shouldn't you be telling this to Jess Papaw?" He calls my spouse, his son, to brag," I found your daughter this terrific school..................... yada yada". Mr. B said he told his Dad," Dad I don't care if the school is in Timbuktoo. Jess needs to do what she knows is right for her. Quit calling and telling me about this school. If you want her to have the info send it and if you can't get the info then shutup." We are all tired of Mr. B's parents, in particular, calling with their well meaning advice and questions. It is as if they are bound and determine that one of their grandchildren will do what they want. Plus it angers me that his Mother offered to help pay for Jessica's school when she didn't offer our oldest daughter that option. I want them to stay out of it period before she makes Jen and Jess resent each other. They have always made Jess seem more important than our other daughters. I know my other girls have commented on it and yes they are already resentful. I see a war brewing and I hope it is one we can avoid. I doubt it though. Mamaw has already said she won't help pay for a major 4 year univeristy. She didn't have to say who this comment was directed at. Our third daughter is wanting to go to TCU. Well hey, I guess Jamie won't get any help either from Mamaw.
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| Who Says You Can't Go Home Again? |
[07 Dec 2004|02:32pm] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
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I love going out to Rose Bells house. It brings back such wonderful memories of my childhood. I spent most of my Sunday afternoons there. I love that family. Sharla makes me smile. She is eternally young in her looks. Her voice has not aged. Rose still has those long sharp nails and that warm smile. Her voice is still one of the sweetest sounds to my ears. I remember spending afternoons in Lynda's closet with her Brite Lite and her Barbie stereo. I remember long walks on the country road. Lynda's little sister would be in tow. Leah was picked on unmercifully by us. Steve and Joe would be off on the farm somewhere doing what boys do. Karla and Sharla would be riding bikes. Our moms canning or cleaning something. Our dads working the farm. It is truly like going back home to step foot in that house. I hope they are satisfied with my work. I was a blessed child to have the Bells as a second family. I am equally blessed to be able to be a part of their life now.
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| COMING OUT OF THE BOX |
[05 Dec 2004|07:49am] |
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mood |
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indescribable |
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About 6 years ago Mr. B wrote me an apology. He apologized for putting me in a box. He drew this picture of me in a box and he was sitting on the lid. He felt like he had kept me from growing emotionally in our relationship. Now fast forward to today.
I woke up early this morning realizing something about this box from 6 years ago. It was never me in the box. It was always him. I have always wanted to share my feelings with him. He never had the time to hear them. I always wanted to be with him. He was always too busy or I wouldn't understand. I have always wanted to express my devotion to him, through touches, words, etc..... He never acknowledged them. To this day he still doesn't reach out and accept the love others offer him. He keeps disappointments to himself. He keeps his fears to himself. He keeps heartache to himself. He will on occassion share triumphs, joys, success that are soully his own. He does talk about our future but is always very impersonal when he does. He plans for the future but it never comes across as an act of love for his family but rather a duty. He keeps himself in a box.
Is he afraid of letting himself fall in love? Is he afraid of actually feeling something good or bad? Is he afraid he is not worthy to be loved? I will never know. But I know I am not the one in this box. I have never been. I love him. I tell him that to this day. I show it when he will let me. I love our family. The girls are all very expressive of their love for me , their dad, and each other. They had to learn to show that love somewhere. They had to learn to show emotions of any kind.
Until he is ready to bring himself out of this sheltered little world he has created there is really not much more I can do. It was like a revelation this morning. I was not in the box. I clearly saw him in the box. I honestly think he likes it there.
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| HUNGRY IS A MOOD? |
[04 Dec 2004|06:45am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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music |
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Morning Silence Peaceful Quiet |
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It is now 6:45 a.m. Yep, I am up and have been for sometime. I didn't know hungry was a mood. If you are hungry for food it is not and I am ready for breakfast. If you are hungry for sex then I guess it can be a mood.
My homefront. Do I even have a homefront? What constitutes a home? I think I need more coffee or sleep. Either way my mind is thinking strange thoughts today. I just got over the flu? or something that resembles it. I felt like crapolah for two days straight. Chills, fever, sweats, nausea, headache. I never did hurl. My back sure hurt and cramped one night. That new tylenol flu is good stuff. The dog is up. He just came and sat at my feet. The cat spent the night with our oldest daughter. I don't think she had a choice. Jen came and kidnapped her. She also took her youngest sister. That is why the house is quiet and the music is silence this morning. Jamie is at a speech tournament and won't be home til tonight sometime. Jess spent the night with her best friend. I asked Mr. B last night what will we do when they are all gone and it is just he and I staring holes through each other. We watched All In The Family last night. The one where Gloria finds out she is pregnant. Edith is so funny. " I am a Grandma!!!" I can still hear her voice. I love to sing along with the opening of the show and in that falsetto voice that Edith does. Classic television is still loads of fun and no nudity required to enjoy the show. Now that is true acting. Well the coffee should be done and time for my 3rd cup.
GOOD MORNING WEST TEXAS!!
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