teMporaRiLy*inSaNe's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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listen up bitches! [24 Aug 2005|08:51pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | I Love You by HIM ]

i'm back! haha. things have never been better.

i'm FINALLY over dylan, and we are still friends, yes.
caisa and i are friends again.
sophmore year won't suck, i'm sure of it.
ville valo is my new lover. (haha)
my parents still suck, but thats okay.
matt didn't call me all summer, which i'm a tad bit sad over.
summers almost over, which i'm REALLY sad over.

but anyways. enough about me. how have you been? did you think i'd forget about you?
i could never, darlings! i still <3 blurty with a great passion.
i'm sorry i haven't updated in forever, and i WILL sit down and write you an essay on my life one day soon. but for now, my back is killing me and i need a shower. haha i know, just what you wanted to hear!

I-KIRJAIN lempiä te.

(OH! and i'm really sorry about will and ellana. i'm even more sad than both of them put together, which is awkward. really awkward)

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sorry. [05 May 2005|04:09pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban ]

i know. it's been what, a month and a day??


i'm really depressed about dylan, y'know? REALLY. like moreso than i think i was the first time. i so feel terrible. he apparently doesn't feel anything and that's not helping..

good news is though that i've got a new love. matt is his name. actually, i just have a wee crush on him. meh. he's a junior and super nice. i don't think he likes me, though. we're friends, so that's at least nice.

lots has happened, but mostly the same ol' same ol'. i'm struggling with my 'father' and what not. it's not cool. i guess things are okay...no. i lied. they aren't.

i really miss dylan. i miss him so much. but you know how the story goes by now, so i won't tell it again.

<3. for you, loves.

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i'm alive, i swear. [04 Apr 2005|10:41pm]
[ mood | sad/depressed ]
[ music | Superman by Five for Fighting ]

well just barely.

i'll explain later. but for now, here's what's going on in short.

back from minnesota.
warm weather = little focus
dylan and i are over again. for the better, i guess.
things always hurt worse the second time.
fourth quarter began today, which means i hope i don't wake up tomorrow morning.
wishing it was summer = insanity.

that's right now in a nut shell.

i promise, one of these days i will infact sit down and explain. i just can't right now. tears mixed with confusion have altered my current state of mind and possibly my well being.

life sucks sometimes.

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sorry. [18 Mar 2005|04:23pm]
[ mood | depressed/angry ]
[ music | "Megalomaniac" by Incubus ]

heres an update.

-i hate my family. i want to die.
-i went to LHS last night to see dylan preform. 'twas great.
-dylan and i are back together.
-i quit cheerleading tryouts.
-i ESPECIALLY hate my family.
-got some new favorite bands.
-we moved.
-school still sucks.
-i REALLY hate my family.
-i'm so fucking depressed it's not funny.

well. that about covers most of it.

let's start, shall we? good.

dylan and i got back together. just for the record, HE said he wanted to get back together. I'm having mixed feelings about it though. something smells fishy, and it's not me becuase i took a shower earlier. just a wee bit of humor for you so you won't totally hate me for the next few lines.

my family fucking sucks; i want to move. these people can't possibly related to me. they treat me like shit. i hate even being in the same house as them. i don't want to talk about what happened either. they're all so fucked up i can't even stand it anymore.

i can't stand life anymore. i'm just so fed up with EVERYTHING. i can't stand this anymore. i have to leave before i go insane. i don't want to stay here and live with these people and on this earth and UGH.

i just want to fucking die.

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how could you have missed it? [05 Mar 2005|01:17am]
[ mood | angry/sad ]
[ music | "Tonight I Want To Cry" by Keith Urban ]

i can't believe it. i guess everyone was right when they told me that dylan was an asshole. i honestly can't believe he doesn't realize how much he hurts people. i guess i ment nothing to him after all. well i hope he's fucking happy. he wants heavenly back. she doesn't want him back. i guess i have to just forget about him. i mean, i'll find someone else, i guess. whatever. i hope heavenly takes him back. and then realizes what an ass he is and then crushes him. but part of me thinks that would be to easy for him. part of me wants his heart to be dropped from a 839457459347593847592387459283759238759872396874957394857394875296 story building. maybe ellana was right. but why can't part of me let go? i want to let go so bad.

i want to move on.

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She hides the bruses with linen and lace [03 Mar 2005|10:14pm]
[ mood | unloved/depressed ]
[ music | "I Breathe In, I Breathe Out" by Chris Cagle ]

so i thought i'd update.

let's start of by thanking my dear mother and pal for painting my room, even though my mom was sick the whole time. i really love my mom. she's the best. EVER.

more stuff going on, like moving soon, and a couple of concerts for choir, and i feel like shit. you know. the usual.

mostly, i'd like to say though that i still really miss him. it's sad to know no one wants to hold me close, or kiss me anymore. i feel ugly and fake. i feel like those two months ment nothing. just like those three months ment nothing to brad. i feel used. i feel now like i did after brad told me that he led me on like it was no fucking deal. i feel insecure. i feel like everyone is judging me, like they're laughing at me. like they're pointing and laughing. since he's been gone, i've made some cool friends, but even friends can't fill that void anymore. i feel miserable. not because i want to sulk, but because i'm scared and because i'm lonely. i feel abandoned. i feel unloved. i feel like a dog in the backyard during a tornado. i feel like i can't fend for myself anymore. i'm not myself anymore, either. each day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed and look out the window. not because i want to sound pitiful and miserable and i want people to be sorry for me. no. it's because i feel alone and worthless. like the world rejected me. shut up. i'm not making this into a bigger deal than it really is. this is how i feel damnit, and if you don't like it you can shove it. i'm angry because he doesn't love me anymore. he says he does, but i know he doesn't. i'm sad because i miss him so bad. i'm depressed because i feel like everyone's judging me again and no one's there to catch me. i want someone to catch me. i want someone to love me again. i want to be held close and to know that that person will be there for me for forever. i want this pain to leave. my heart hurts more and more everyday. i'm not saying i want him back, i'm saying i want someone to love me again. there's a difference. all those songs and all those memories. i miss you. i wish someone would miss me.

i want to be loved.

is that so much to ask?! i just want to be held and i want to hear someone tell me that everything is fine, even when the world is ending.

i just want to be loved again...

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i want to fucking die. [28 Feb 2005|03:42pm]
[ mood | depressed/angry ]
[ music | "Concrete Angel" by Martina Mcbride ]

i fucking hate this.

my "father" is stupid. he so full of himself and i'm tired of it. i want to just hit him sometimes. he just doesn't get that there are other people living here too, and that he's not the only one.

i REFUSE to believe he's my real father. maybe there's someone out there that really actually does love me. but i doubt it. i've always been alone in this little game, and i'm afraid that's how it'll stay. but it's better this way, at least i can't hurt myself.

i can't stand all of this. i'm driving myself absolutely fucking insane. i can't do this anymore. i'm having a fucking mental break down. i'm too tired to keep going. but if i sit and rest, i'll never get up again. so it's either keep pressing on, or fall behind and die. personally, i like the second choice better.

two weeks 'til we move. oh goody.

i'll let you know on that one.

i hope i don't wake up tomorrow morning....honestly.

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take your space and take all your reasons [22 Feb 2005|05:44pm]
[ mood | sad/depressed/mad ]
[ music | "Bye Bye" by JoDee Massina ]

so it's been awhile, hasn't it.

i'm feeling really lonely right now. i'd just like to share how lonely.

i miss everything about him. the way he used to look at me. the way he kissed me. the way he smells. his hair. his eyes. the way he used to pick me up and the way i always make him give me piggy back rides. his strength. the way he'd hold me when i was sad. the way he'd hold me even when i wasn't sad. that look in his eyes. the way he'd always get what was wrong out of me. the way he inspired me. the way he thought. the way he dressed. how insiteful he was. all of it. all of him.

i feel abandoned. and lonely. and sad. and mad. and confused. and depressed. and i feel like a chunk of me has been ripped out and stolen. i want to cry, but i want to slap him, but i want to hold him and i want him to hold me all at the same time.

it's killing me from the inside out. i can't take it anymore.

we fought again last night. over saturday (long story) and about why he REALLY broke up with me. he argued he was saving my feelings by not telling the whole truth. i argued that he lied to me. totally blew up. ellana says he's mellow-dramatic and i agree. but i still love him.

but he confuses me. one minute he says he made a mistake by breaking up with me, the next he's so mad at me he says he doesn't want to even be my friend, then the next he says he still cares. i can't fucking keep track of it anymore. i don't know what he feels anymore. but i guess i can't blame him. i'm in the same boat.

i just miss him so much. i want to see him again. i want to know he's real. i want to kiss him just once more before he fades away forever.

i'm just so fucking depressed.

i want to cry, but i can't anymore.

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i don't understand. [18 Feb 2005|05:54pm]
[ mood | fucking depressed ]
[ music | Wonderful by Everclear ]

or maybe i really do. subconcously.

anyways. i'd just like to mark this day as the end of my "relationship" with dylan. yeah, we broke up.

but i don't get it.

my heart knew it would happen. and my heart feels no pain. yet.

but my eyes continue to cry. i guess my eyes know that no one will be there to catch me, and that no one will be there to kiss me when i'm sad.

but i guess it's for the better, right? everything happens for a reason.

why should i be sad when i knew it'd end like this?

i guess this a test to see how will i can cope will all of this at once.

i fucking hate tests.

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hey, you. [14 Feb 2005|09:38pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | "Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows ]

so here's what's happening now.

-things are changing, with the move again. i haven't packed yet and we're moving in like 2-3 weeks. so it kinda sucks. but it should be interesting. i've been thinking about it a lot. i really don't know how this will all turn out. but it will.

-i haven't been feeling well lately. not at all. it sucks too.

-a special sir and i have been fighting, but we're working things out, i guess. frankly, i'd rather be fighting a constant battle with myself, than with those i love. always.

-school, is well school. we sign up for classes tomorrow, which makes me nervous because i don't feel well, and this should be very interesting. things will work out though, no matter what.

-i've realized a lot of things lately. i've been thinking more clearly today than i have been in awhile, so that's always refreshing. there are so many things i want to do before i die, it's amazing. there's such a list.

-we're leaving for minnesota in a little more than a month. i <3 minnesota and i can't wait to leave. i miss being next to the lake, in a cabin, in the woods. i miss everything about it. someday, i think i'll move there.

---Sometimes, you've got to just jump, and build your wings on the way down---

i've been taking life for granted. i want to live.

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update time [09 Feb 2005|10:03pm]
[ mood | angry/sad/hurt ]
[ music | "Three Mississippi" by Terri Clark ]

so it's been awhile, hasn't it.

here's the 411 -

my dad and i are so not getting along.
my mom thinks i'm pregnant. which i'm NOT. long story.
i'm angry because my parents are fucked up, especially my dad.
everyone wants me to move out to pals. but that would mean leaving dylan.
i can't leave dylan.
i fucking hate the world right now.
i wish i had a best friend to go to.
school sucks.
we're moving soon.

i can't keep this inside anymore. it's driving me insane. i can't be the person i once was. the strong person i once was. it's just getting too much right now.

tomorrow i see marianne. lovely. like that will help. nothing will help anymore. i just need to escape.

i'm spending the night friday at pal and tony's. oh so is thought by everyone.

my father recently told me not to talk to him. so i didn't. but i went downstairs a little bit ago and he told me that my 'behavior is unacceptable' and that 'i've upset my mother'. that wasn't my fault though. she's the one that won't believe me when i say i didn't have sex with dylan. i fucking hate this family.

pal told me saturday to call her if i needed her...but i can't decide if this is a time where i need her. i'm seriously thinking of getting dressed and calling her to pick me up on the corner. but my father would see me leave. not like it matters. he'd probably offer to drive me there. maybe i should go live out there, like mom and her have offered before.

all i can think about right now is leaving. but i don't have the guts enough to actually do it. how fucking lame is that. but see, i have to think about it. i've got a doctor's appointment i can't miss, and then the appointment with marianne. it wouldn't be smart to leave tonight. no. maybe i'll just stay on friday.

i really can't do this anymore. i really can't. but wouldn't leaving be quitting?

if i don't make it through all of this, i just want whoever is reading this to know that i love them.

i really do.


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so many miscommunications [01 Feb 2005|08:24pm]
[ mood | down ]
[ music | "World on Fire" by Sarah McLachlan ]

maybe we should just talk..so many things have gotten lost in translation. it's up to you though.

i'm just feeling kind of down, lots has happened, and not much to be thankful for.

i can't change the past, nor can i predict the future, all i can do is hope that things will work out. so i'll sit here, crossing my fingers and wait. i can only change myself, and no one else. so i'll sit here and i'll do so. i can't feel bad forever, for life would be terrible. so while i'm crossing my fingers, and changing myself, i'll look up and know someone is helping me. someone, will make this better.

^ i can only hope.

maybe i'm just anti-social...

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things i just need to say here. [29 Jan 2005|07:14pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Breakdown Here" by Julie Roberts ]

okay here we go.

1- there was a fight last night. and i hate living here. i hate living period.
2- i hate how everyone else is perfect, and i just fuck things up. i hate how everyone always see the imperfections in me. i fucking hate it.
3- i hate a lot of things right now.
4- i need someone i can talk to.
5- i miss minnesota so bad. i can't even remember how happy i was there.
6- school fucking sucks. i want our friendship back, but since that's never going to happen, i'm being forced to move on. which i also fucking hate.
7- the world IS infact out to get me.
8- i can't figure out what i have to do to stop this, whatever is going on. because it's killing me slowly. like pealing off flesh, a little at a time.
9- i hate everything right now. not just a lot of things, but EVERYTHING.
10- i'm stopping listing now, because it's getting annoying.

now, where to start. as if the fight wasn't bad enough, now people are making me feel even worse because i'm not as perfect as they are. arrogant fucks. i know it's bad to say that about one's own family, and peers, but it's the truth. they're all so arrogant and picky and everyone always finds the worse in me. maybe i'm just all bad.

everything is so fucked up in this world. it's all about making people feel terrible about themselves.

nothing i could ever do, would ever fix this. i just really need to think. i need to clear my mind and reorganize things. but i can't until i'm in minnesota. so either a) i will die or b) i will die. not many options there. i'm so fucking tired of all of this. nothing could EVER make me think that everything is alright. i want to fucking die. i guess i'm loosing my touch on covering it though, my mom, being the smart one, is starting to catch on. well there's not much she can do, i've already got a therapist.

i can't keep wishing. it only hurts. but i suppose it hurts more to live the truth, than a dream. but dreams fit so much more comfortably.

there's your update. sorry for being so harsh.

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third update for today! [25 Jan 2005|09:58pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | "Sunday Morning Song" by Howie Day ]

woot. i just thought i'd let you know, that i might not post for awhile, due to a new blogspot. so sorry if it takes awhile for me to update again! but i will!

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i dream of... [25 Jan 2005|07:09pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | "Do What You Have To Do" by Sarah McLachlan ]

...snow! yes! i just thought i'd let you know, it's supposed to snow thursday, friday, saturday and sunday! oh yes. i love it!

not looking forword to school tomorrow, but i have no choice so i'll keep my chin up and see what happens. i'm going to expirement with this. see where it takes me if i only look on the bright side. i used to be able to do that, but i guess i've lost touch on what really matters...if that makes any sense.

every time i close my eyes, i return to minnesota, that one august day when it rained and i was down by the shore. i just can't get away from that. but it's not exactly like i've been trying to dodge it either. i'll admit, i like living safely in the thought of minnesota. i wish i could move there. there was talk of that 'round these parts all weekend. but it settled down...for now. i'd love to move there...i'll admit it. i'd love it.

for now, i'll just live safely in my dreams.

but only for now.

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it's been awhile. [25 Jan 2005|05:25pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | "Happy Girl" by Martina McBride ]

time for an update!

i've been sick the yesterday, and today. i feel like shit, but i feel worse knowing about all the hw i'm gonna need to make up, especially algebra. oh mercy me! o_O

life's tough, but it's tougher to fight it. i wish i was out of school, so i could actually enjoy life more. i want to enjoy it. i really do. i wish i could be more positive, and dare i say, happier. since i can't seem to hold on to any one religion, i don't know where to turn. it seems like i'm happier when i something to believe in. sigh. winter's tough too. i can't wait for spring.

spring!!! yes! spring brings hope! and hope is happiness. i love flowers, even though i'm allergic to them, and i love the smell of spring. and rain! oh especially rain. i want to smell the lilacs again. and open the windows! oh, i do love spring. and what's funny, is that i didn't realize that until this winter. weird. but i can remember planting flowers with my dad in the front of the house when i was littler. i'd never admit it then, but i loved it. and then! then there was planting flowers at the cabin. oh, i loved that more than anything. i love the lillies that bloom outside the front windows. they always turned a pretty orange and red, like sunsets...like beautiful sunsets. oh, how i'm getting lonesome for the cabin. i miss it there. only 60 more days til i can actually say we are at the cabin. yes. two months. woop woop! o_O

16 days til i see marianne. 60 days until we're in minnesota. anyone else notice a pattern? ho hum.

i'm starting to feel happy again. i'm really glad. that reminds me of a song!

"Oh watch me go
I’m a happy girl
And I’ve come to know
That the world won’t change
Just ’cause I complain
Let the axis twirl
I’m a happy girl"

hehe. just thought i'd add that. 'cuz it's true, i've learned it the hard way. "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" heh, my new favorite quote.

more to come! i promise!

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yeah, it's true. [22 Jan 2005|07:58pm]
[ mood | sorry ]

i miss you.

i've never felt so alone, as i do now. i miss sitting with you guys at lunch, and laughing over the stupidest things...it was so great last year...it was always such a great thrill to find out we all had the same lunch, to make up for being on different teams. and then there was the times at the mall. it was great..we'd go to the mall, and see someone we knew over and over and over. then we'd get tired of running into them, so we'd lay low and end up running into them again...remember that time we saw susan? that was fun..and then we'd sit outside and wait. i miss the palace...good times, man. how's aj? good i hope. i'll never forget all the good times we had...i wish there could be more...but i know there won't be. i'm sorry that i hurt you. i know now how it feels.

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crazy [21 Jan 2005|08:38pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | "Scars" by Papa Roach ]

which today was, but the weather was especially. it was foggy, and misting all day, just like it was in august when we were at the cabin. i wish i could be there right now...i wish SOO bad i could be there. i miss summer. and it's too early to miss summer...but i can't help it! gr.

today sucked, as normal. nothing new. i hate my teachers. i hate my classes. i hate school.

i wish i was happy again. i wish i had my friends like i used to. i fucking hate making new friends. i can't ever bring myself to talk to new people. which is weird, considering how i was with my old friends. ugh. i want to run away from school, from everyone. i think i could do a lot better if i was alone. but the sad truth is people need each other. but it sucks when you don't have anyone to help you anymore.

it's sad. i can't talk to anyone but you, my journal, about my life.

oh and marianne....sort of...only three more weeks.

i know it's bad to escape your problems, and somehow, i always find a way to. but this time, i NEED to escape. i just can't go to school in a place where my once close friends now hate me. it's too difficult to wake up every morning and face the school. i don't like being hated...i just want to work things out...i want to sit with my friends at lunch...and talk on the phone...and go places with. i want my friends back man. i just want my friends back. but i had to be so fucking stupid. it's all my fault. once again. why do i have to screw so many fucking things up? i've lost my best friends...nothing can change that.

i wish right now i could jump off a bridge. just go. you can't screw many things up when your dead, now can you. but i'd probably go to hell. which right now, sounds pretty damn good....

which brings me into the topic of religion. which i don't have enough energy to write my thoughts out on that, so we'll save that for another day.

"I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now"


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what a day! [20 Jan 2005|07:48pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day ]

well let me just start off by saying, that it's the first day of the second semster. which means new classes and/or new teachers. i found all my classes okay, and i must say i'm quite pleased. i have a few "friends" in a few classes, but i'm not sure i like the classes. i'm sure it'll be okay, i just need to through this week. i've got first lunch, with a few of my friends, but i don't think they want me to sit with them....oh how i wish i could make friends easier....

i've found myself thinking about minnesota a lot lately too. it must be that time of year, when i get so anxious for summer. i love how no summers the same, and how i can look foreword to something new every time. i love how minnesota's my place of solitude, and i can always relax there. how i can take a deep breathe, and just smile for all i have. it's the only time i actually feel good. and i have to wait 'til march. i can't wait until march, i want to feel relaxed now! i just want summer to be here. not to escape school, like last year, but to escape period. i just want to leave everything behind for a couple of weeks and just take time out. i'm so confused, and i know i'll find peace with things in minnesota....it must be something about the lake....and the trees...and the stillness of everything. time stands still. oh how i love it. it makes everything seem okay again..

today was maryanne day! 'twas interesting...

i wish it were the weekend now. this weekend, i'm going to get my navel pierced hopefully. mostly out of spite for my father. all the shit he's been giving me lately, he deserves it. and it's not like i can't pay for it myself, 'cuz i can. and i'll do. all i need is my mom to sign for me, and i'm good to go. yes, i'd pierce my body in spite of him, that's how much i dislike him right now. anything to make him know how much he makes me unhappy. apparently, talking back isn't working enough, so we must resort to plan b. oh yes, thats right. plan b.

i can remember last summer, when it'd rain and i'd be outside at the cabin, just standing on the lake shore watching the raindrops fall into the large lake. things were so clear you know? i understood. and i'd walk up around the cabin, then back down to the garage. i'd just walk and think. just think. then i can remember sunny, bright days where i'd go outside, and bask in the sun. i'd take my cd player and just go down to the dock and i could spend hours down there...just thinking. i wonder why it makes me think so much...i hate it in a way, because i can't relax...but the thinking isn't the stressful kind i do in school, i think about everything. which i love. i solved many a problem there...i just want to be outside. i feel safer outside, than cooped up inside. why is that? it's strange in a way..but then again, what isn't strange these days. i mean, you pay people to live in your house, you have to pay to survive in life. why is that? i think things are becoming to advanced. sometimes i wish we could go back to cave man days. at least then, they didn't have wars, and they didn't have so much technology. they were simple. and i think that's the way everything should be. simple.

i wish you the best of luck in life. thank you for all your time.

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i'm so glad... [17 Jan 2005|11:31pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | "Safe and Sound" by Azure Ray ]

...i've found love.

i'm so glad that you love me too.

just think...now i can die happy...someone finally loves me, and i feel the same.

nothing can get me down now...i'm floating to high in the clouds...

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