Dena's Blurty

Time:	12:49 am.
Music:	Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow.

I'm so bitter and full of hate sometimes.

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Dedra and I went back to the laundromat today. We have a lot of crap to do tomorrow in preparation for My Ryan's arrival. Today we saw about a billion babies and everytime I said "aww, I want a baby!" and then I thought about it and shook my head. Sometimes I wish I could tell everyone how amazing my boyfriend really is. whoah, whoah, whoah... did you know that my throat is so sore from laughing so hard today. I love Stephanie and Dedra, and if I could live there I would. I so completely would. I hate it when Dedra says Ryan reminds her of Michael because he doesn't. Michael's a creepy weirdo. Ryan's a hot weirdo. It's just because they're both tall and thin. That's all. I'd shoot myself in the head right now if I didn't know he was coming down tomorrow night. Or maybe I might anyway (?). No, not really, but sometimes I still feel like it. I hate being a hypocrite, but who doesn't? Everyone hates themselves a little bit at least. Except for maybe Stephanie because she's wonderful. Dedra will always say that Christina's her best friend and Jenna will always say that she doesn't really have a best friend and I will always be second. Always. no matter who or what, I will always be second. I really wish I could not be mad right now but I'm afraid I'm in hate with everyone. I'm so sick of only being able to take my frustrations out on people who couldn't care less. And I'm sick of not being able to be truthful with everyone because I'm so afraid of what they will think. I'm tired of trying not to hurt people just because I hate it when people hurt me. Although I'm sick of talking about Christina behind her back because I hate it and I'm starting to miss her. And I quit now.

Comments: 2 I don't know what do you want to do?s - So, what do you want to do?.

Time:	12:05 am.
Mood:	sick.
Music:	mb20- Hang.

I told Dedra about my weekend, although I didn’t think I would. We sat alone in the Laundromat, playing Egyptian Rat Screw eating chili cheese fries that I couldn’t finish and singing stupid songs loudly. We wrapped wet paper towels around our necks to beat the heat while we folded her four loads of clothes. Her bed is finally clear, but there are still a lot of dirty clothes in her floor. We came back to my house and took showers since we were sweaty and her water heater is broken. I listened to Matchbox 20 while I waited on her and it made me remember how much I love them. And I love them so much. She skipped her volleyball game to hang out with me, which I think is pretty lovely. We went to Stage and I tried on a dress that I love, but my legs are too ugly to pull it off. I don’t have money anyway. A homeless lady told me she was sick and asked if I had any money to help her get across town to the hospital. I hated telling her no, but I really am completely broke. Actually, I’m not but I have no money to spare, since I owe my mom about $450. I still hate saying that, though… at least I have a place to live. And a vehicle. And everything else. My mom called, sounding steamed, while I was at Wal-Mart. I left her a message telling her where I would be, but she never checks her messages so she didn’t know. She was also mad because I hadn’t cleaned the house at all. When I said “I’m sorry,” Dedra said “Don’t say it so rude!” Really, it made me mad. I hate it when people tell me what to do(or how to do what I’m doing.) We bought cotton candy, but I couldn’t really eat much of it. I don’t know whether I’m sick or just going through withdrawal. I miss my baby like mad. I just keep expecting someone to touch me. I know it’s only a few days until I see him again, but I hate waiting. I stole Dedra’s new sugar scrub since she’s showering at my house now. I had to go to Melba’s birthday party at 7. I hate that house, and even though we were outside, it was just as bad. Especially since there was nowhere to run away to. I hate being around so many people. I wish people didn’t ask me questions too. Everyone probably thinks I’m retarded or something because it always takes me awhile to answer. I just hate talking to people. I wish people could read my mind sometimes, but that would probably be more dangerous than anything. I think too much about things I shouldn’t, at times that I definitely shouldn’t.

she grabs her magazines
she packs her things and she goes
she leaves the pictures hanging on the wall
she burns all her notes
she knows, she's been here too few years to feel this old
He smokes his cigarette
he stays outside 'til it's gone.
if anybody ever had a heart
well, he wouldn't alone.
he knows, he's been here too few years to be gone.
And we always say, it would be good to go away someday
yeah but if there's nothing there to make things change
if it's the same for you, I'll just hang.

The trouble understand is she got reasons, he don't
funny how I couldn't see at all,
until she grabbed up her coat
and she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride.
yeah, well still it's much too long
to let her go
And we always say, it would be good to go away someday
yeah but if there's nothing there to make things change
if it's the same for you, I'll just hang.
the same for you, I'll always hang
well I always say it would be good to go away
but if things don't work out like we think,
and there's nothing there to ease this aching,
and there's nothing there to make things change,
if it's the same for you, I'll just hang.

I wish I were a little kid again. Last night Jenna and I were outside playing on the hammock and the little girl next door, Jada, came over to play with us. She’s five and likes to play tag. After she tagged Jenna, they ran around for at least thirty minutes, Jenna yelling “I’m gonna catchoo!” And Jada replying every time with “Ooooh, no you’re not!” I can’t even remember what it feels like to have so much fun just running. We made Jenna come in when it got dark and she was so tired she was coughing.

Comments: So, what do you want to do?.

Time:

10:17 pm.

The way that I feel is empty. Like someone took my heart and ripped it out of my chest. He let me keep his shirt and I took a nap with it scrunched up against my nose. When I woke up, I cried because I could smell him, but I couldn't feel his arms around me. And I think what I love the most is when he wraps both of his arms around me and pulls me as close as he can and all I can breathe is him. Or maybe it's the way that he brushes my shoulder with his hand when he walks by. Or maybe it's about a million other little bitty things that he does that drive me crazy. And he's all that I want for the rest of my life. This distance is killing me.

I went to see my Granny today. She looks bad but she seems to be okay in spirit. The only person she really recognized was Grandma, though. The rest of us she had to ask for names but she remembered after we told her. She was really mean to Becca's fiance, Chris. It was funny, but I felt really bad for him. After she said something to him he went to the other side of the room and sat in the wheelchair the rest of the time that we were there.

I can't finish this, I'm done for the night.

Comments: So, what do you want to do?.

Subject:	Did you know that MSN sucks?
Time:	11:05 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	Third eye blind (I can't stop).

I wonder if a clock feels the way that I do. Always going over the same faces, always seeing the same places, always doing the same exact thing. Every second of every day. Then inner workings constantly supporting each other just to keep going. Keep going for everyone else. And, you've got to wonder how a clock must feel when you say you didn't see it. When you move your eyes across it, only to read another one. One my be more beautiful than the other, but they all serve the same purpose... right?

I remember when Grampa Doc died. We all packed up and drove to Texas for the funeral. My Granny was so alive then, so beautiful. Benji, her toothless Chihuahua, would sit next to her bright red chair as she cried and attack you if you came too close. She collected clocks then, and watches too. They covered the walls. Dogs, cats, birds, flowers... they all had their own. Every one (if they made noise) was set just a minute off each other so you that you could hear each one individually, at the hour. It was all enough to keep you up at night. I remember the very day she moved in with my grandparents. The day we had to give Benji away. The day they got her a new dog. I remember her golden tennis shoes in her tiny little room with bowls full of candy she wasn't supposed to eat. I remember sitting with her at the kitchen table one morning, alone, waiting on my grandparents to wake up. She told me how I acted just like my grandmother did when she was my age. She promised me that she would get better soon, and we'd be able to run around and play like we used to. I remember how she used to give me jewelry and ask for it back a week or so later. It was always okay, though, because she'd always give me something else the next time that I saw her. I remember how her mostly make-upless face always had pink chapstick that would leave sticky rings on my cheeks when she kissed me. I remember her angels, her bears, her bears dressed as angels. I remember the first day she fell... I remember the day they decided to put her in the nursing home. The last time I saw her, she kept calling me Becky. The last time I saw her, she couldn't walk at all. The last time I saw her, it may be the last time I will ever see her. My Granny's dying, and I don't know how to go about it.

I'm so scared to see her. I hate lifeless bodies, I hate having to miss someone when they are so close. My parents went to see her today. I used Dedra as an excuse to stay home. They said she's hard to keep awake and she's not really recognizing anyone. I don't know if I can handle seeing her for the last time if I know that it's going to be the last time. I don't know if I can handle seeing her if she's not going to kiss me with her pink chapstick and call me "My Dena".

Dedra stayed the night last night. She's loud and obnoxious and I love her so. I spent my last five dollars on paint and gift wrap for a project we decided to do. It's not done yet, and I'm pretty sure I"m going to finish it on my own, but it's fun. We had a paint fight, and it wasnt' pretty. Or maybe it was. We blamed it on "artistic differences," but I think it's just because we're dorks. We tried to sleep in my bed together but we both woke up about an hour into it and I was trying to sling my leg across her stomach, trying to hook myself so I wouldn't fall off... I got up and went to the couch.

Christina and Dedra are driving me crazy. I love them both so much, but ever since they got in that fight a few months ago they're just not the same. I miss being able to hang out with both of them at the same time and not have to hear one of them whisper bad things about the other. I hate being in the middle (like I always am). Although, I'm leaning abit towards Dedra. Christina's changed so much over the past few months. She thinks she can get away with everything and she thinks I'll help her every time. I'm tired of her risking my neck so that she can have a little fun. We all went to the movies today and I kept trying to sit with Richard because I was sick of listening to them fight. I pretty much did hang around Richard most of the time that we were out. We ate sugar cubes and played video games in the lobby at themovie theater while Dedra and Chris stood in line for drinks( to cover up the fact that they had cans of coke and packages of cheap candy in their purses.)

Things that have been said about me lately that I dont' particularly enjoy:

"you know, she's a lot like Dena... she'll do anything just to fit in" -Jenna
She said it just to get under my skin, but I can't help but feel that she thinks it's true. And I hate it, because she's talking about herself. Also, she keeps ditching me for Amanda and it's pissing me off.

"You let your fear paralyze you into doing nothing at all" - my dad
Maybe it's true... But I still hate it.

Comments: 5 I don't know what do you want to do?s - So, what do you want to do?.

Subject:	if you think it's too long, you can kiss my ass.
Time:	8:04 pm.
Music:	3eb (I love).

Rant: gas prices are killing me. Mary-Sue gave me $20 today to get me through the week until she can pay me (on friday). Yesterday, I put $16 in my truck, but it didn't fill it up so I decided to buy gas before I went home. I thought it would be maybe $5-$10 and I'd still have a little extra to go to some garage sales tomorrow (before this I was completely broke). It ended up costing me $14.20. Which is insane. so, in the past 2 days I have spent $40 on gas (because Landon gave me $10 in gas yesterday morning for taking him to his dad's shop). That's so much bullshit. I know everyone's talking about it, but really... how bad does it have to get? so now I have $5 and I'm not going anywhere until I get paid next. I hope that tank lasts me all week.

I've decided I'm not going to ask my mom for any money this summer. Why? Because they're not doing so well. And I know I'm most of the problem. So, I won't have a whole lot extra for clothes and whatnot, and I can't really save a whole lot (I was thinking about saving most of it for the summer and next year to buy a decent used car for after I move out) but maybe if my mom can save all the money she would normally spend on me then I'll actually have teeth.

Oh, yeah... that's right. I still have baby teeth. And my orthodontist says that they might fall out as soon as they take my braces off. I think he told me there were 2 but my mom says he told her there are 4. The two on each side of my front top teeth. I know at least one of them is going to fall out because a few months ago it had fallen below my other teeth and they had to push it back up in with a wire. They said I could get bridges until my mom got the money for implants but now they're saying that a bridge is going to cost $2700 a tooth. I'm not even sure what implants would cost, but if bridges are supposed to be cheaper than implants, then I'm screwed. I think they're going to make my retainer with fake teeth in it, so it doesn't look so bad but they said they didn't know how good the retainer would be with 2 teeth right next to each other. I want my teeth. And, what really pisses me off is the fact that they told me when I first got there that I didn't have any baby teeth and that my old dentist was crazy. I really think they should have to pay for my implants because of that.

all I have to say is this: Why did I spend so much money, time and pain on getting my teeth fixed when I'm going to end up looking worse and having a harder time eating anyway? I'd rather keep my braces forever than be toothless. I just want to cry everytime I think about it. what a fucking waste.

I feel like I've been on the edge of tears every minute of everyday for the past 3 or 4 days. It's driving me crazy.

Casie colored my face yellow today with a marker. Paige fell over laughing when she saw me. Mo keeps trying to pick fights with Paige and it gets on my nerves. She also cries too much. They keep wanting me to take them places but I don't have enough seat belts. Yesterday I took Paige and Casie to the swimming pool and I didn't have a seatbelt. I don't need a ticket for me not having one and for Paige and Mo sharing one. I'm having enough money problems as it is. We made peanut butter no bake cookies and gingerbread cookies shaped like Christmas trees. It was the only cookie cutter we could find. I guess watching them all day isn't so bad. I cleaned the kitchen and living room and got to feel like a mother for 6 hours. Maybe, it's not so bad (I told you I'd change my mind).

Tomorrow is Ryan and mine 2 month anniversary. It seems like it's been so much longer, though. I actually forgot until this morning when I talked to him, but I must tell you, it's mighty hot that he remembered. I love him quite much.

mmm... strawberry daiquiri... I'm so glad my parents are (as my mom puts it) "alchies".

P.S. I need a vinegar rub down.

Comments: 1 I don't know what do you want to do? - So, what do you want to do?.

Time:

6:55 pm.

I am so fucking tired of pissing people off just by trying to make myself happy. And that's all I'm going to say about it because I don't want to cry.

I'm sunburned because I took the girls swimming today. I love Casie so much. Britanny is a lifeguard there and she is so gorgeous. I would kill to look like her. I have to babysit all day tomorrow and then Saturday evening. Probably all week next week too, but the week after they are going to church camp so I'm off for an entire week.

I got my class schedule for next year today. Here are the classes I have:

Sociology
A.P. psychology
A.P. U.S. History
A.P. Literature and composition
Advanced acting
Creative Writing 1 (although I've already taken it once?)
A.P. U.s. Government and Politics
A.P. Art History
Math Analysis
Art 1 (clay/plaster)

I wanted A.P. calc but I guess either they couldn't fit it in or they didn't think I should take it (which is BS if so because I would have had the highest grade in my trig/pre calc class if I hadn't made a D on my final... and that D only brought my overall grade down to a 90. And I only made a D because I didn't feel good and didn't study at all.) Oh well, though... it looks like I'll have enough AP tests to pay for.

Comments: 1 I don't know what do you want to do? - So, what do you want to do?.

Time:

10:24 pm.

woke up too early, but had a great day. Except for the depressing parts. I'll never go to Borders again. Their books are unorganized and their music is way over priced. Also, Borders is a "books movies and music" store. Barnes and Noble has an entire book section dedicated to music... Borders has nothing of the sort. At least in Norman. We left Barnes and Noble for Borders and went right back to Barnes and Noble.

Dedra and I drove around blaring my niece's Sesame Street CD in her new CD player. Singing at the top of my lungs with her, everything seems so clear. Only physically though. Don't you know that Dedra Marie is the love of my life? My best friend ever? The most beautiful girl I've ever met? What other 18 year old do you know who would listen to "Sunny Day! Sweepin' the clouds away! On my way to where the air is sweet!" all night with you? With me? With anyone? Who else would stuff their biggest purse with cheap dollar store candy and sneak it into the movie theater with you? Who else would call in a pizza, put it on her step dad's check, and take it to the park to eat with you while you swung? Who else would watch cartoons with you all day, and then go to the movie theater to watch Shrek 2? Who else dances with you in parking lots singing "Everyday when I make my way to the tubby... I find a, little fella who is cute and yella and chubby! Rubba Dub Dubby!" at the top of your lungs?

At Barnes and Noble I was bored. Which is strange. Until I found the fiction writing section... and the "word lovers" section. There were a million books I actually wanted to read (okay, actually it was a tiny section of the wall and I wanted to read about 4, but who is counting?) Just reading bits and pieces inspired me, which is something I haven't been in a while. Looks like it's time to update the Amazon wish list that no one knows about anyway.

There were more words, but I guess they're gone now.

Comments: So, what do you want to do?.

Subject:	You love me. Remember that.
Time:	11:03 pm.
Music:	Third eye blind- I want you.

My Jenna's getting bigger and I don't know how to handle it. I've got ugly painful bug bites and I want them to go away. I hate memorial day because it makes me think about how quickly I can lose people that I love. And when I go to cemetaries, I like to look for young people's graves, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I like to be reminded of the way that my life could end at any second. No one is promised to live forever. I like the feeling I get being around everyone elses memories though. I like to pretend I know people that I don't. I hate thinking of my grandma's body rotting underground though. I hate thinking of Jarrod's body doing the same. I've known way too many Jarred's (jarrod, jared, jarod, however you want to spell it). Seven at least. I'm in love, but I don't know if love is in me. I want to find more people that intrigue me the way that you three do. I want more quirky, offbeat friends. I want large amounts of money and less people to spend it on. I want to make a baby and give it away so i can find it later. I need the drama, the pain, the joy. I say I'm against abortion but I'd probably have one if I needed to. It's the classic case of "I don't want to, but if I have to..." well, maybe not so classic but that's not the point. The point is I'll never hold to anything I say, so be careful while believing me.

And I wish I could have the talent that my family believes I have. They're way too confident in me. And there's this feeling that I'm going to screw up real soon. I'm always screwing up though, so it probably doesn't really matter. Except it does because I hate not being able to do things just because people tell me to do them. I hate that mentality in other people, so why have I adopted it for myself? I hate everyone, but still I imitate them all. And now that I've filled this full of crap that I hate I think it's time to stop.

Comments: So, what do you want to do?.

Time:	10:15 pm.
Music:	soul asylum- don't get my hopes up.

Happy Birthday to you!

Went out with Dedra and Cody today.

I've been trying to find a cute skirt, but we couldn't find anything today. Actually, there was one but I didn't have enough money for it. Goodies had their panties on sale for 50% off though and I got a pair that says "wild" on the back and they have pink and orange ribbon ties on the sides. I love love love them. There were millions more that I wanted but I didn't want to spend my mother's money on panties. when I get paid and fill my gas tank up and everything though I'm going back. It's an obsession, I know.

I'm going to start all of my entries from now on with "Happy Birthday to you!" because every day is someone's birthday. And I'm tired of leaving people out.

I pissed off about a million people today. And a lot of people can't drive (not including me, of course). And Michael pulled a knife on me today because I was sitting in his chair. I wonder what he would do if I told him that Ryan and I made out in it for most of the night a couple of weeks ago.

Comments: 1 I don't know what do you want to do? - So, what do you want to do?.

Time:	11:19 pm.
Music:	Everclear- you make me feel like a whore.

I'm finally home. And ungrounded.

This is the five minute version of my vacation:

rode in the backseat for forever with stinky Landon, behind Jarred. Both of them farting. Landon got attacked by a big red ant that took forever to kill. I was really close to Ryan for about an hour but not close enough to see or touch. Or even know that we were close at all. Got to our cabin with about five billion stairs and carried about five million suitcases up them all. And now I am blanking on everything. I know we played a lot of card games, swam at the lake, swam in the indoor pool (where an old lady, washing her hair, griped at Jarred, Shambra and Landon for not taking a shower before getting in the hot tub), and I talked to Ryan a lot on Shambra's free nights and weekends phone. Because apparently I don't get free nights and weekends and I know I've already gone way over my minutes this month. oh, I also went shopping yesterday and spent 2 hours in one music store. I bought four CD's for $22.

Everclear- Sparkle and Fade
Soul Asylum- Runaway Train
Spin Doctors- Turn it upside down
Semisonic- All About Chemistry

I hate the last one, love the first two and the third is growing on me.

I'm mad at my parents, but they would never guess it. They knew this morning. And I know they think I'm a spoiled brat, but it sucks the way they always do this to me. Get my hopes up then throw me down like it's nothing. I hate it when my brother says "She's just mad because we're not doing what she wants to do" because it's all so much bullshit. Not only did we not do what I wanted to do today, we never do anything I want to do. Not unless I throw a fit and my mom actually falls for it (which is not very often at all and they aren't really fits, but they come off that way.) What pisses me off the most though is that if this had been a Jarred and Shambra situation they would have done it in a heartbeat. They used to do it all of the time.

Comments: So, what do you want to do?.