| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
I think I might actually really pull it off this time! I think that I'm actually really gettin outta this game 4 real this time! Too much shit been goin down, things that have been happening to me, around me & in my life that have been real eye openers for me! Wow, just too much to write about that has been goin on in my life, but just the fact that I went all day & did not shoot dope is awesome & I know that I have a long, hard road ahead of me, but man, the way things have been goin it will be so worth it when I am clean & I won't have to worry about all this dope shit anymore & gettin caught up in this game w/certain people! I know that the next few days are going to be pretty hard, & that really the 1st year is probably gonna be pretty rough, but honestly after the car wreck last nite & everything that has happened it's just time to get outta the game & get on w/real living, having a nice simple happy little life...the one that I've wanted for so damn long, but couldn't b/c I let dope get a strong hold on me & take over my whole life!!! It would be so nice to just be able to function like a regular human being again, normal shit like cleaning the house, running errands, playing w/the kids, having money to pay bills & go do fun things & honestly just taking regular showers & taking better care of myself 4 real!! I know to not get over excited about this b/c I have tried many times before 2 stay clean & those attempts have failed so I know how things are w/trying 2 stay clean so I know 4 sure that I will need some type of recovery program or something to help me along cuz I have proved time & time again that I cannot do this on my own, not my way cuz my way does not work, I end up using again everytime! It's a small start, but damn it's a start & I am actually really excited about it this time, I dunno, it feels different, like I might actually be able to do this! I've also been talking to & listening to a few friends of mine who know, they've been there, done that, they know the game, they know how it goes & it's like no matter who it is us addicts pretty much all want this 1 thing after things have gotten so bad, so miserable, so fucking outta control & it probably seems to the outside world, to those around us that most of us actually enjoy doing our dope & living this way, but I have been around a LOT of addicts & junkies & you know what? That couldn't be further from the actual truth! Most of us really do want to get clean & have nice normal lifes & just not have to feel this way or live this way anymore...it get's really old & exhausting for most of us after a while really! Common sense tells us that drugs are bad, man, we all know that, mostly the ppl that don't want to stop using are those who are fairly new to using, but even then some of them want out of the game before they end up like me or others around me, they know, they see it, they see the struggles, the bs, the pain, the drama, the risks involved...being addicted to drugs does not make us stupid ignorant people!!! Man, what a fucking trip this past 5 yrs has been, it's been hard, no scratch that, it's been very fucking hard, but I've seen a lot, done a lot, felt a lot & you know what? It's just time & I know it & the people around me know it & that's it! I'm very grateful to God for this b/c I do actually have a really good honest chance at a happy life, I have this chance, have had hundreds of them, but you know what, my so called luck, well it's running out, things are changing, God is fed up! I'm changing, the world around me is changing, my kids are growing up, life is moving on & it's just time to get w/it, I hate to say it, but my momma is right, it's time Brandi to grow up, to do right & to move past all of this!!! Man, I feel so good after not even wanting to shoot dope today & yeah it is a big deal b/c you know what? A lot of people like me, a lot of other addicts/junkies their gone 4ever, they don't get anymore chances, they won't be able to move past this shit & have a happy life b/c their demons took their lives!!! I don't understand it, guess none of us do why some of us get more chances than others, but my chances are running out, I know it, the people around me who love me know it, I'm not the only one who can see this shit happening around me & it's time to stand up & fight my demons head on & take back control of myself & my life!!! People like me die from this shit everyday & I just know that I won't last as long as some other addicts that I know personally have, I can feel it, I won't make it that long & the time has finally come & God is saying "Yeah, your right it is time, you know it & yes you can do this!"
Man, that's so awesome!!! Gettn outta this game alive, well, it's pretty hard to do & even if you are still alive in this game you will lose everytime b/c in this game their is no way for you to win, the demons, the monster, it wins everytime if you don't stand up & stop giving in! If you are alive you will lose everything, your soul, your mind, your sanity, your life, probably your freedom, your rights, your privacy, your kids, your love, your family, your friends, your desire to live, yourself, your everything! Drugs take all that way eventually, but this time, the time when you can feel it in your bones & see things happening telling you that bad shit will go down if you don't stop, the misery, the suffering, the wanting to really stay clean, it comes to all addicts, true addicts anyways & some of us make it & some of us don't no matter how badly we want to!!! It may feel like your drowning, but your not!!!!!!!!
Dear Lord
You've done took so many of my people but I'm just wonderin' why
You haven't taken my life?...
Like what the hell am I doing right?
(RIP 2 my people that didn't make it!)
|
rushed
anxious
hopeful
depressed
lazy
high
thoughtful
determined