Below are the 6 most recent journal entries.

	2005.04.26  13.52 Ain't life tough School is getting tiring. I'm like the lamest person ever! I always have such good intentions and then I end up hating everything. I hate work, I hate school, I hate my car, I hate my clothes, I hate where I live, I hate that guy in my life, grrr. I just hate everything. I hate feeling so tired. I sleep for 10 hours, then don't feel like doing ANYTHING. I don't want to get dressed, I don't want to take a shower, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to pay my bills, I don't want to put gas in the car, I don't want to phone people, I don't want to get my internship, I don't want to go to graduation. What is the matter with me? I have felt severe depression before in my life where I really DIDN'T do anything. I didn't go to school, I didn't wash my hair, I didn't talk to people. I just sat in my room, watched TV, read, ate if I could sneak something to eat. I can't even remember how long that went on for. There is no reason to feel sorry for myself. My mother pays my rent (she's amazing), my car works okay, the guy is supportive (I guess), but I just feel no drive to try anything. It's not like I never have any drive to do things. Some days I wake up and go - OKAY, now what do I have to do today? And then I do it! Maybe it's because my life in in limbo right now and I just don't know where it's going. I'm the kind of person that needs to know what tomorrow is going to bring. I JUST DON"T KNOW if there's something I'm looking forward to. I want to know. I want someone to tell me. I don't agree with fortune telling, I think it's bs. I'm in class at this very moment, and I'm not really listening although I should be. Don't I want to lose my 4.0 average? No, not really. I don't understand how I've been able to keep it up this long. Some days I just wish that someone would tell me what to do, and kick my butt to do it. Lazy.

	2005.04.25  16.13 Calming down Things have been settling down after recent upheavals. Is that how you spell that word? Hmm.

	2005.03.15  12.21 Cyrus Well, that Cyrus does it again. We've never met face-to-face, and the fact that I won't send him a picture doesn't deter him one bit. He loves me. He really does. At least he's not one of those internet guys who loves someone they met online under false pretenses (often). Met him on the phone while working for the same company, had a connection, and here we are several years later, and him telling me that he cares about me a lot. More than I'll ever know. Just last night he was like: "Let's make a pact. If we're not with someone in, like, ten years, let's buy a house together." Weird, huh? It's like so many movies and tv shows out there, blah blah blah, but how can a cat lover be with someone who doesn't like cats? I couldn't get him to say that if this so-called thing should happen, he'd let me have my two cats. I gotta have them. Call it a girl thing, but it's not a home without a kitty. He said he hated cats, but we could have a dog. He said he would train it. Or we could have a tiger. LMAO!!!! Tiger, huh, right. Like that would happen. Then he goes on to say the usual things that he says when I call him more often like "When are you coming out here?!?!?! I miss you!" It's nice to be wanted just for who I am, but I just would never be the person to completely fill his life. Call it insecurity, call it self-deprecation, but he just would never be happy with a girl with a comfortable bum. End of story. My bum will never be small. It's genetically predetermined. I could weigh 100 lbs, and I'd be a twig everywhere except my behind! Oh well, I know there's someone out there who likes it ; ) He said he was going to send me money because I accidentally told him about my popcorn dinner. It was all I had in the house to eat! I'm warm, there's SOMETHING in my tummy, it's not like I hadn't eaten 2 peanut butter sandwiches at work only 3 hours earlier, I just had the munchies. I know I'd feel better if I had better quality food in general to eat, you know, the kind with actual nutrition! PB & J isn't what you'd call a complete meal. Oh well, school won't be much longer, and I'll be able to get things back on track, hopefully. If only the little things were less complicated than they are now.

	2005.03.07  15.51 Today is Monday. Ohhhh, yuck. I'm hoping to get a new job from one of a few people that I am going to be applying to. I just want out of where I am, and one of the places I'm applying to would be ideal for me to work at. I think I'd really like it. Unfortunately there are a few factors to work out, and I think they probably won't want to hire me because I will only be available June 1 instead of immediately. Oh well, a student can always try, and it's good practice. Also, perhaps it'll be a way to network, they'll see my oh so awesome resume and want to pass it on to all of THEIR network buddies and somewhere down the line I'll be employed doing something other than boring old sales at just above minimum wage. And this morning, well, I called Cyrus. Luckily he's not a computer lover, or he'd seriously be mad at me for writing about him. He's like "I wish you were here, you're like the perfect girl, I just would like to be able to treasure you the way that you deserve... etc etc" It's scary and touching all at the same time. I like to know that even though I hate the way I am around people (I'm a social dork), he thinks that I'm awesome and that he's never known anyone better. Even if he doesn't think that, it's nice to hear that somebody out there thinks that I'm the greatest and would give just about anything to have me. : ) He doesn't have to worry about not liking my ample behind (he's a skinny girl liker), because he and I will never ever be a couple. For one thing, there's no chance of me moving to Toronto any time soon!

	2005.03.03  12.33 Hehe, comments are fun. Amber, if you decide to check me out... no really, check me out!... (Three piece?) Go to the library. I want to do my demonstrative speech on analyzing handwriting, so I really need that book.

	2005.03.02  16.16 I'm new! Everyone keeps talking about these online journal things, so I just had to try it. So my current life continues with my initial drama of I HIT A DEER. IT DIED. SO DID MY CAR. I didn't receive any phone calls today from MPI about how much the autobody shop thinks it will cost to fix the car, so I STILL don't know if it's written off or not. I would kind of like it if it was, because then I could get a car I might like a little better. But the place that would be fixing the car if it's deemed fixable apparently supplies a courtesy car (I've never been in this situation before) and they also detail the car inside and out. Good thing, my car is disgustingly dirty! LOL Mood: frustrated