now then. this is a new yet totally authentic recording. this is for all those who been labelled extremists... maniacs... terrorists.. shit... welcome to the 3rd world. i think i'm gay. or i'm just in some phase where i'm more into boys. or i'm just drunk and high beyond belief and don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. everybody thinks i'm a girl now. i've been pinging speed for the last month and incidentally i haven't been eating and i've lost so much weight. my skinny jeans are not so much skinny as loose-fitting. self-destruction. fuck you and everything you stand for. i'm out of control. i'm not worth the air i'm breathing. kill me.
i am quite the nostalgist. it's just that, well, time passes doesn't it. and you're always going to look back. april 29th 2003 was the day i created this journal. it was a tuesday. i just checked. man, i read this fuckin diary and i laugh my head off. i was a crazy little twat. fuck. leanne! fuck, that shit ended a long long time ago. i walked past her in the street by the library a few weeks ago. she just blanked me. at least i think she did. i said hello but i had my headphones in my ears and couldn't tell if she answered. i didn't look to find out. i think i still owe dave 60 quid. hahaha. fuckin 'ell man, those were the days. i do write some crazy shit. i have three online journals and i basically just log in randomly for no reason and sometimes with years between entries. and then i just write the first stupid shit that comes into my head. i remember that girl leaving a note on one of my entries telling me i cuss too much. fuckin cheeky little cunt. i hope she comes back and reads this shit again some day. actually, i just looked and read it again. i'm not sure why i always thought it was a girl. huh. weird. but yeah, i digress. nostalgia. i remember when i wrote those early entries. it's as if i'm transported back to that time. when i wasn't out on drugs or with leanne i was just in my room on the internet all day and all night. i fuckin loved that shit. i really did. i remember those websites facewhore and profile-nation. they're gone now. and faceparty when it was still free. and the msn chat rooms. they fuckin got closed down as well. i wonder where all the people are who i talked to on the net. that canadian girl, becca. that goth girl from birmingham. i wonder what they're all doing now. i wonder if they think about me. i'll be here in another ten years writing about what i'm doing now. watching george carlin and bill hicks, reading chomsky, and wandering around all day with my camera.
there are paint smears on everything i own
the vapor rub is lying on a table of filth
christmas cards to which i'll never reply
my eyeballs absorb only blue filtered light
Current mood: tired.
Current music: misfits - tv casualty.
it's like we all know
way down in our souls
that our generation is gonna witness the end of everything
it's in our eyes
it's in mine
beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn. alone among god's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.
i had my lip pierced today. my bottom lip. not in the middle, though, it's at the side. but not the same side that my nose is pierced on because it would clash. i like it, but i'll like it even more when it's healed because then i can put a smaller ring through it. and that will look top banana. i like doing things spontaneously. i hadn't planned to have it done at all, but i guess i must have made a mental note that it looked cool on the few people i'd seen with it done. i was actually out to buy some more brown bread. i walked past the tattoo/piercing place and thought fuck yeah. and that's all she wrote.
well, it looks like i am still here. how? those years of mindless drug abuse are behind me. i wish they weren't, though. i absolutely cannot believe how fast times passes. how long ago did i create this fuckin journal? i remember it like it was yesterday. i have to confess, since it looks like i haven't already. i am transgendered. i always have been. i have been on hormones for a while now. i no longer have facial hair as i had it removed by ipl, which basically fries the hairs in their follicles until they don't grow back any more. i had about ten sessions all together. i have changed quite a lot, as you'd expect. my life is not as i imagined it would be. then again, i don't know how i ever could have thought that i'd know how it would turn out. i'm a drug-addled freakshow. well, i was. this journal is like some totally bizarre document of completely random moments in my life. it makes me laugh. i'm such a complete fuck-up. that's the only thing that will never change. i wonder who that person was who left that comment. i wonder where they are now. the internet is weird. you can connect with people and influence people but never know it.
ok. i don't know how i'm still alive. but i am. i took a lot of drugs, ecstasy and acid, on friday night. i was so fucked up i just don't know how i didn't get arrested or something. it's been so long already since i started this diary. how fucking fast does time go?? i remember that day, i just can't believe it. 2007. i might die this year.
i cut my hair yesterday. it looks good, i love it. i thought i'd fucked it up at one point but i never. i thought it was too short up the back but it looks ok. yeah.
well i haven't been here in so long i almost forgot my password. i knew it was something to do with drugs though. yeah. a lot has happened since the last time i scribbled in here. but frankly i can't be bothered to write about any of it. i have just finished reading interview with the vampire for what must be the billionth time. my life is completely up in the air at the moment, and i do mean completely. it is so utterly in the air that this planet is all but useless. i am ravaged by the massive consumption of class-a amphetamines, the inadequate ingestion of food, and plain old boredom. but alas... my reflection looks good in the mirror.