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Life... [03 Apr 2003|06:49pm] [ mood | amused ] ...serves up moments of pure amusement. In pretty eyes and a damn smile, I see. post comment

Dented Goods [20 Mar 2003|08:59am] [ mood | bored ] ::slinks down in the chair, shutting off the tv. tosses the remote to the side:: Fucked. Up. Ugh. ::sighs, runs his hands through his hair:: And I miss him. Double fucked. Blah. ::stands up and wanders over to the small refrigerator in the room, opens it up and pulls out a Snickers bar. rips off the package and walks back over to the bed, gobbling it up hungrily, licking melted chocolate from his fingers and lips. finishes it up and sets the wrapper on the desk, then goes back to his busy schedule of staring at the wall:: post comment

Rocky Rocky Rocky.... [10 Mar 2003|08:13am] [ mood | amused ] ::sits on his bed, bored and restless, having not left his room in days. flips idly through the channels, yawning lightly against his fist, feeling completely blank. flips past the American Classics station... blinks... flips back. watches a minute, slow grin spreading across his face. hops up, dancing around his room, singing along with Janet, using the remote as a microphone:: I was feeling done in, couldn't win I'd only ever kissed before. I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting It only leads to trouble and seat wetting... Now all I want to know is how to go I've tasted blood and I want more I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance: Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty Thrill me chill me fulfill me Creature of the night. Then if anything grows while you pose... ::giggles:: I'll oil you up and rub you down And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction You need a friendly hand and I need action... Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty Thrill me chill me fulfill me Creature of the night.... ::cracks up, falling back on his bed, panting from dancing all over the room, giggling and smiling to himself, thinking of them. grins to the ceiling:: I should sing that one day. ::rubs his face, blushing, then props himself up on his elbows to continue watching the movie:: 1 comment|post comment

Arms Of An Angel... [05 Mar 2003|10:32pm] [ mood | content ] ::curls up on his bed, biting his bottom lip, eyes open, looking out the sliding glass windows at the nighttime ocean, almost able to hear the roar of waves over the air conditioner, smile playing across his lips, thinking. pulls the blanket up around his face, slow blinking. whispers to himself, barely audible even in the quiet of his room:: Isn't it funny how things work out? In those arms in the early morning sunlight... Late night walk on the beach brings surprises. My God, am I the lucky one? ::nods to himself, smiling again, genuinely. touches his lips, still able to taste those kisses, feel those kisses. takes a deep breath and exhales, closes his eyes, falling into a peaceful sleep:: post comment

These Hands... [02 Mar 2003|03:44pm] [ mood | ashamed ] ::sits in the chair in the corner of his room in the dark, curtains drawn tight, staring at his hands. turns them over, examining each finger, each freckle, counting each hair. blinks at them, turns them back over, staring at his palms:: Only touched one other. Until that day. ::furrows his brow, swallows hard:: Felt so real underneath the fingertips. Isn't that something? In this world of illusion there was something real. In my fantasy world, there was something there. A face I never thought would be the one I saw. ::slides down in the chair, ass half hanging off the seat, resting his head against the back, holding his hands up, still looking at them. whispers to them:: Why do you still tingle that way? It's not right. You're cheating on him. ::slowly lowers his hands, touching a spot on his forehead before wiping the tears from his face:: Cheater. You're no better than the rest of them. Not like it'd matter anyway. That was just PITY you saw in those eyes. ::nods slowly, clenching his jaw:: Just pity. Like you've see in all of those faces before and will continue to see forever and ever. And ever. And ever.... ::rubs his face, lays his arm over his eyes:: And all he saw was how fucked up you really are in there. Pretty fucking apples. ::sighs, rubs his chest over his heart. takes a deep breath, trying to control the tears now falling freely, and sits, arm still over his eyes, hiding and thinking:: post comment

Cherish Is The Word I Use To Describe... [28 Feb 2003|09:03am] [ mood | tired ] ::sits on the floor, back leaning against the bed, staring at a picture. sniffs, sighs. puts the picture beside him. leans his head back, resting it on the bed. slowly closes his eyes, thinking:: Talked to Dad late last night. His intention: To keep me away as long as possible. ::shuddery sigh:: He hates me. I hate him. Nothing new. Outcasted like always. Like always and always. ::opens his eyes, frowning, trying to hold back tears:: Sometimes, I would sing to him at night. He always liked to hear me sing. ::sits up, picking up the picture. looks at that face, runs his fingers over it, singing softly:: Cherish is the word I use to describe All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you You don't know how many times I've wished that I could Mold you into someone who could Cherish me as much as I cherish you ::swallows hard, stopping. whispers:: Took a long time before I finally got you. Remember that? ::sighs, sings softly, holding the picture closer to his face:: Perish is the word that more than applies To the hope in my heart each time I realize That I am not gonna be the one to share your dreams That I am not gonna be the one to share your schemes That I am not gonna be the one to share what Seems to be the life that you could Cherish as much as I do yours ::bites back tears, chin trembling, hard swallow:: Oh I'm beginning to think that man has never found The words that could make you want me That have the right amount of letters, just the right sound That could make you hear, make you see That you are drivin' me out of my mind Oh I could say I need you but then you'd realize That I want you just like a thousand other guys Who'd say they loved you with all the rest of their lies When all they wanted was to touch your face, your hands And gaze into your eyes ::shakes his head, mumbles:: And you weren't strong enough to resist that temptation, were you? ::tilts his head, grip tightening on the picture:: Cherish is the word I use to describe All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you You don't know how many times I've wished that I could Mold you into someone who could Cherish me as much as I cherish you And I do cherish you And I do cherish you ::hisses at the picture:: I hate you. ::throws it across the room, watching it flutter down before laying down on the floor and curling up, one fist under his chin, staring at the picture:: I'm so tired of being lonely. ::sniffles a little, closes his eyes:: I do cherish you.... post comment

Wish [27 Feb 2003|04:19am] [ mood | lonely ] ::lays on the bed, staring at the ceiling for the third hour in a row, tapping the bottle of pills against his leg, listening to the pills rattle inside of it, whispering to himself, over and over:: One, two, buckle my shoe. ::rattle:: Three, four, shut the door. ::rattle:: Five, six, pick up sticks. ::rattle:: Seven, eight, lay them straight. ::rattle:: Nine, Ten.... ::voice cracks:: One, two, you're a fucking idiot. ::rattle:: Three, four, you're a fucking idiot. ::rattle:: Five, six, you're a fucking idiot... ::rattle:: ::picks up the bottle, reads his name across the label, stares at it for a long moment, before putting his arm back down on the bed, blinks at the ceiling:: That's why nobody likes you, Joshua. That's why nobody cares. Stupid in the head and a fucking idiot all the way around, huh? ::short, bitter laugh, sits up and throws the pills hard at a wall, not flinching when the bottle opens and they fly all over the place. lays back down, closes his eyes, pouts his lips slightly:: I've lost my rattle. ::sighs deeply, rolls onto his side, falls into a deep, dreamless sleep:: post comment

What's the story, Morning Glory? [26 Feb 2003|09:44am] [ mood | depressed ] ::sits on the beach, looking out over the horizon, watching the sunlight dance off the waves in the early morning light. thinks about him, the accident, squeezes his eyes shut and pulls his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, resting his forehead on his knees:: I wonder where you are. Wonder if you are watching me. It's all my fault. Can you see the guilt here? ::looks up towards the sky:: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. If I could take it all back... ::bites his bottom lip, silent tears running down his cheeks:: I'm so sorry. I miss you. I miss you so goddamned much. ::shakey sigh, rests his cheek on his knee, rocking back and forth, hugging his legs:: Maybe I will join you. Maybe. I don't want to be here alone anymore. So fucking numb except for this pain I feel inside over you. Aching and aching and over and over. That night running circles around my head. "Move on" they all say. I have nothing to "move on" to. ::sniffs, wipes his face:: I hate my life. I hate it all. I need a bagel. ::nods to himself, slowly stands up, dusting the sand from his ass. looks up at the sky again, sad eyes, and turns and walks inside for breakfast:: post comment

In the Afternoons... [25 Feb 2003|01:10pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] ::walks into his room after eating lunch alone, flops down on the bed, burying his face in the pillow:: Dr. Bitch called last night. Asked me how things were going and if I'd talked to anyone or made any "wonderful new friends." God, I hate her. All she wants is to walk around inside my head, kick the memories out of there or some shit. I don't know. I don't know what THEY all expect. ::pauses, turns his face to the side, cheek resting against the pillowcase:: I lie. I know what they expect. They expect me to forget about him and move on. But how do they expect me to do that, huh? When you lost something you lived for, how can you go on? ::takes a deep breath, exhales quickly, and closes his eyes, welcoming sleep:: 1 comment|post comment

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