25 Jun 2003 - 12:58 mood    exhausted *Slouches down along the bench, his long legs stretched out, his head against the back of the bench, blinks up at the bright blue sky, his eyes watering a bit from the light, making out shapes from the clouds, growls when he realizes he's making each one a car, closes his eyes, smiles a little when he feels the warmth of the sun on his face* Not as good as the rain...but almost. *Breathes in deeply, licks at his dry lips, opens his eyes, blinking a few times at the sudden brightness* Still having nightmares. I'm not sleeping too much lately though. Thinking about investing in my own coffee maker. *Nods his head, sighs softly, running his fingers through his hair* Was going to go to that barbeque thing but...*Frowns* Stuff happened. Tavia stopped by and decided she wanted to take pictures of me. I had promised her long ago that I'd let her. We got into her car and she was going a bit too fast and something was in the middle of the road..*Breathes in deeply, swallows* She turned to miss it and the car jerked and I just flipped. All I could see was a bright red and broken glass. The window was cracked, the windshield just shattered. My entire body hurt so bad...But none of that happened. I wasn't hurt. The car was fine..the red car was fine..Luckily Sean was there...*Shakes his head* He's helping. So much. *Chews at his bottom lip, thinking* There was some get together in the courtyard and it completely sucked. I stayed for a total of ten minutes. Am I that out of touch with people? I don't know.. I'm a bit worried about Naomi. Met a really sweet but a bit forward Zoey. Haven't talked to James in several days. I should stop by and see how he is. If he's better. *Scratches at the side of his nose with his knuckles* I have been pulling away from everyone. Too wrapped up in my chaos. I need to get back out there. *Smiles* Basket ball season will start sometime soon. I can't wait. Maybe it will help... Been talking to Megg quite often. We seem to talk a lot about dreams. It's really comforting actually. I need to go find Zach and help him like I said I was going to.. Dreams, flashes, nightmares, headaches. *Breathes in deeply, looking around* Si vis pacem. If you want peace... para bellum.. prepare for war. *Nods his head, stands and grabs his backpack* I guess I better start preparing... 1 missed their class don't be late

21 Jun 2003 - 21:45 *Curls up in bed, completely exhausted, not having slept in days, only dozing here and there, dark circles underneath his eyes, his his fingers gripping his pillow tightly, his knuckles white, squeezes his eyes shut, his mind foggy, pain shearing through his head, body trembling a little* I've never been so scared.. *His mind flashing back to earlier today, Tavia's red car, her jerking the car around, halting to a stop. Then his mind flashing back to other scenes: cracked windshield, busted windows, a figure in the driver's side, a bright red underneath his lids, whimpers, his body starting to tremble again, tears in his lashes, his entire body pained* don't be late

18 Jun 2003 - 11:26 *Sits in his English class, palm underneath his chin, staring out the window, doodling on his notebook, not paying any attention to the class, his lips curled into a deep frown, thinking, his pencil never stopping as he gazes out, his eyes fixed on every little small detail outside, everything seeming to be so fascinating, blinks a few times as he sees a few drops of rain dropping onto the side of the window, his lips curving into a small smile, jumps in his chair when suddenly a bolt of lightning flashes and thunder crashes, his eyes wide* FUCK! *Looks around the room, his cheeks quickly turning crimson, slinks in his chair, scratches at his temple with the eraser of his pencil, takes a deep breath and slowly let it out, his pencil soon returning to his notebook, mutters* Why am I so jumpy? *Glances towards the teacher, then the girl sitting across from him, smiles a little, rolls his eyes when she returns with a flirty smile and turning her body towards him in her chair, arches a brow then returns his gaze to the gathering drops of rain on the window, squints his eyes, watching them mix together, the rain falling faster now, his pencil moving quickly against his notebook, narrows his eyes as he sees a red car splashing through the rain, a few images flashing in his mind, closes his eyes, dropping his pencil down onto his desk, his fingers quickly coming to his temples, rubbing at the sharp pain* What the.. *Opens his eyes and looks down at his notebook after a few short minutes, mouth dropping open, surprised to see the same picture that he painted the other night, the red car with the number six drawn on it, sitting in the rain no doubt, closes his eyes, suddenly feeling sick, grabs his notebook and shoves it into his backpack, stands, throws it over his shoulder and bolts out of the room* 2 missed their class don't be late

13 Jun 2003 - 15:59 Friday the Thirteenth hmm? "No, we musn't dwell, not today. Not on Rex Manning Day!" 5 missed their class don't be late

13 Jun 2003 - 03:19 mood    amused *Stands in front of his bathroom mirror, makes a sour looking face* Lemon face ewww *Growls, showing his teeth* Lion face raaah *Switches back to his sour face* lemon face ewww *Growls, snaps at the air* Lion face raaah... 1 missed their class don't be late

11 Jun 2003 - 17:34 I was talking with Catwoman the other day and I said something that really stayed in my mind. There's no point in changing yourself for people who don't think you're not good enough. If you're not good enough now for them..you'll probably never be good enough.. *Rubs at his cheek* And I wasn't saying that she nor I weren't good enough for anyone. I had meant that no matter what some people do..it's not enough for others. Some people just can't be satisfied. You end up spending so long wondering.."What's wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough?" But then..you have to realize that it's not your fault you're not meeting their expectations. Nothing will ever be good enough for some people and they may continue to do the things that they do until they, themselves, change. So why change me when I wasn't the one who did wrong? I might not have been good enough for them but...is it really that bad a thing? Maybe there IS something wrong with me.. But, I'm okay with that. I'm good enough for me and I suppose that's all that matters. Maybe someone else will think the same thing. Until then...I'll just continue to surround myself with the people that make me happy and glue the pieces back together. Try to make amends and just heal. Get closer to the people who think I'm fine just the way I am. I'm still in highschool..I shouldn't be so down about stuff I just have no control over. I'll deal with that...next year. 2 missed their class don't be late

08 Jun 2003 - 14:33 Words are only words unless you mean them. Then you have to figure out if they are lies or truths. Desire is everything you've ever wanted. Whoever you are. Whatever you are. Everything. I need to go find some glue. 5 missed their class don't be late

05 Jun 2003 - 23:47 *Stands looking out the window at the night sky, sighs softly* It feels so good to be away from Dover. Away from the stress and just...everything and everyone that has kind of..*shrugs his shoulders* hurt me. I got so many offers to go places for the break but I ended up not taking any of them up except for Sean's. He's been so incredibly understanding of everything so far. I sat and thought about all the places I could have agreed to go and with who and realized I needed to be away from all of those people..atleast for this week so I could clear my head. *Frowns a bit* I hate those nightmares..but Sean is in the room next door so if need be I can go talk to him. I turned my phone off..I'm not sure what town we are in but I know we are in canada. Some cabin somewhere. It's so wonderful to just turn off my phone and not have to worry about anything or anyone for once. This will give me a chance to do some thinking before I go back. Few people I have to talk to*Nods his head, bites at his bottom lip* Can't say that I don't miss them cause I do. I miss everyone. But it's only a few more days right? Sean cracks me up. He's too nice to me. I don't deserve it. The ride was smooth. I took so many pictures of the "entering Canada" sign. I couldn't help myself. *Smiles, crawls into the bed, closes his eyes* This is just what I need... 1 missed their class don't be late

31 May 2003 - 12:37 *Presses his face against the cool glass of his window, his nose a bit smushed against it, lets out a loud sigh* I remember what Bastian told me almost a month ago. I always wondered about it..and it always stayed in my mind. Everyone told me it wasn't true but in the end, Bastian was right. *Shrugs his shoulders* You live, you learn right? *Taps his forehead against the glass, not hard cause the last thing he needs right now is a headache* Graduation is today..I suppose I'll go get dressed and watch. Maybe there's some huge party tonight..could stop by. *Smiles a little* If I don't go I know I won't be missed. It's so funny how people find a significant other and drop you. Beautiful. *Shrugs his shoulders* Weren't friends anyways.. *Lowers his eyes, watching people walk through the courtyard* I've never really truly opened up to a single person here. I've been the shoulder for people to cry on, the ear when people needed to vent, complain, whine, whatever. I've been here for so many people but I've never gone to any of them. *Takes a step back, runs his fingers over his lips, tugs at it a bit, knowing he'll keep himself together no matter how upset things make him, he'll just shrug it off, put a smile on his face and continue his day* I've never lost anything I would miss.... Whats up lonely Seems your my only Friend who wants to share my pain Tell me heartache whats it gonna take For you to leave me alone today 4 missed their class don't be late

28 May 2003 - 22:41 *Looks down at the fudge Tavia gave him, tears a small piece off and pops it into his mouth* So prom happened. Went to dinner with a few people before and I had a good time. I laughed a lot. Then we went to prom and I danced a little bit. I believe the punch was spiked cause I got kind of tipsy. *Shrugs his shoulders, licks at his fingers* I was only there for Calista..when she seemed to be crowded by tons of people and not needing me I took my cue to leave. It was fun for awhile though. I didn't have a bad time. School ends on Friday. Then summer vacation for a week. I told Lucca I would go with him on his little adventure. So right now I think it's Britt, him, and me. I pray I don't end up being the third wheel.. There's more going on*shakes his head, picking at the fudge a bit* I just rather keep it to myself... *Chews on the inside of his cheek* Of course I'm keeping it to myself..*Looks at the picture of his dad on his nightstand* Might tell you though..other than the private stuff*scratches at his chin* Been having nightmares again..*Nods his head* I know what you would normally say too Dad..*puts the fudge back into its little package* I have to face whatever is causing the nightmare and get over it. Then it goes away but*shakes his head* How do I do that when I don't know what the fear is? Everytime I wake up..all I can remember is being scared..*Blinks a few times, smiles a little, looks down at his hand on the package, fiddling with the side, breathes in deeply* I'm going to class again..even though school is almost over for this semester or term or year or whatever..*Swallows hard* Mom misses you..she's working double shifts at the hospital..*Licks at his lips, trying to keep calm* I don't know if she cries anymore but she's working hard to keep everything going..*A few silent tears falling onto his hands, watching the drops on his skin* Fluctuat nec mergitur... It is tossed by the waves but it does not sink..*Nods* I'm trying to be strong dad I promise I am..everything gets so messed up sometimes..and you lose sight of reality and just everything..I'm going to make you proud though..*nods his head* I will..I just..everything just..*glances at the pic again, whispers* I can't talk anymore dad...I'll talk to you later..*Pushes up off the bed, wipes at his eyes, quickly leaves his room for fresh air* 2 missed their class don't be late

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