+all night with wings. [+him | +her]

[ userinfo | #%&*@# ]

[18 May 2003 | 03:22pm]
all weekend.
no blonde girl.

....send me out to sea.

[16 May 2003 | 01:08pm]
interview went really well.

i'm not sure about getting this particular job,
but my boss made it seem like she has plans for me.

good 'nuff.

i guess i clean up pretty well. [16 May 2003 | 09:31am]
i walked into work to a rousing chorus of "ooooohhhs & aaaaaahhhs"
from my group at work today.

that made me laugh a lot.

[15 May 2003 | 06:54pm]
tonight i have to wash my new blue shirt.
because tomorrow i have a job interview.

operations manager II

middle management baby!

i should be ashamed of myself for being excited about a management job for a huge, heartless corporation. but i'm not.

it would be a challenge for a guy like me. provide a lot of 'life experience' and, best of all, it would be a *real* job. i'd be making more money than my dad. he'd be pissed, and i'd love it. and, my ten year reunion will be next summer. if i don't have a super hot date, i at least want to say i have a decent job.

and i'm fairly confident going into the interview. the last time i felt good going into a job interview, was the last time i got promoted.

...i'll be over here now, crossing my fingers.
#%&8*@# | xoxo

[15 May 2003 | 09:17am]
i am jack's complete lack of surprise.
#%&1*@# | xoxo

[14 May 2003 | 09:39am]
i made the blonde girl a tom petty mix cd, because she asked.

i'm not much of a fan, but i came across wildflowers. and i love it. its her in a song.

this morning, she sent me an email saying that she really liked it. it reminded her of how she's been lately.

i want to sing softly in her ear now.

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

(as long as i'm that lover :-)

i almost want to cry.

[13 May 2003 | 09:41pm]
[ music | radiohead - scatterbrain. ]

and now the rain begins to fall.....

i am a fool. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

#%&4*@# | xoxo

letters always get burned. [13 May 2003 | 08:49pm]
this has been one of the longest days on record.

+i woke up worried & wondering. thanks to bad thoughts at bedtime & worse dreams.
+i said nothing to the blonde girl, until she asked if i was grumpy right before lunch.
+i said i wasn't grumpy, just not exactly cheery.
+after lunch, she said "you didn't seem happy at lunch, are you sure you're not grumpy with me?"

i said, no...my moods aren't always directed at someone, i'm just bothered by bad dreams & strange memories.
& then she had to ask....

so i told her, and i mentioned a girl from the old days in passing.
after a long email about bad dreams & future hopes...
she came back to this girl mentioned in passing. and said:
+'were you with her?'
+'for a little bit, but it was over soon, we've just been friends since...'

dead silence.

i just got off the phone with her. dead silence & an 'i'll just talk to you tomorrow'

meanwhile, h. was interviewing for the same job i'm going to interview for on friday.
we work at different sites for the same very large corporation, and the same person is our upper management person.
so our bosses boss asks her how she would handle a little moving & shaking,
maybe getting moved to manage a different dept or group.
and h. comes back with (and i quote):
'well, i couldn't be casey's boss'
what kind of red flag does that throw up? maybe one in each direction?
if my boss starts to think there are some "inter-personal" issues going on, i'm fucked.
and i was considered a front runner for this job, by most accounts.

at least 5k a year, maybe more like 7 or 8.
and a huge step for me....in the long term view.

two things happen if she's the reason i don't get this job:
1. i'm pissed at her for a long, long time.
2. my friends, who said whatch out for this one, are right.

i've given months & months & months to get this job. i don't want it tossed aside.

i'll take a very stiff drink.
but what i really want is a smiling blonde girl & a place far from here.

in other news. i'm tired. [13 May 2003 | 08:54am]
can someone come over & make it simple?
i just want to fall asleep peacefully every night & i'll make dinner....

+i fell asleep with an ache at the pit of my stomache. something decided to tell me i should take a break from the blonde girl, that maybe this wasn't the best right now.....and that feeling is still with me. i don't know why. so i don't know what to do with it.
i'm avoiding her today. looking at her sadly from across the room.

+i have a voice-mail on my cell-phone from ex.h that i'm scared to listen to. i don't know how long i can handle that one. we went out about a month ago. i slept with her. i feel terribly guilty about that.

+h. just got engaged.
she's spent the last week and a half telling me that she's been thinking about me, when she crawls into bed alone....
yesterday, we were arranging a little tryst of sorts. she got a new shirt that makes her feel a little sexy she says, and she wants me to see her in it & when nobody is looking, run my hand along the skin exposed just below her neckline. just a soft touch, without a word, then a return to reality.

+some girl i had a random thing with for awhile just sent me an email a couple of days ago. i hadn't heard from her for months. the last time i saw her, she had just moved in with a guy .... then showed up at my door late one night....

+and the kitten....
she's taken to calling me quiet often. we talked in hushed tones. she purrs & i give her a gravely voice. she called me three times in about an hour one day....each time with pretty trivial things to say. at the end of the third conversation, i said "you just call to hear my voice don't you?" she cooed a little kitten laugh "yes. you've got a sexy voice" ...i said "so do you" and hung up the phone. married. 2 kids.

but all i really want is one love completely.
#%&14*@# | xoxo

make a sad ... make a sad ... make a sad, sad song. [12 May 2003 | 10:26pm]
so the blonde girl sees my guitars & 4 track
make magic moves all over my apt when she's gone.

but i never play for her.....

she's starting to think i can't really play guitar, that i just have 'em around for show.

so i decided to record a little tape of songs:

+dancin' in the moonlight (thin lizzy/smashing pumpkins)
+your body is a wonderland (john mayer -- yeah i know, its dumb, but its damn sexy)
+sweet thing. (van morrison)
+between the bars (elliott smith)
+lover, you should have come over (jeff buckley)
+scatterbrain (radiohead)

mumblin' joe's first cover EP has tentatively been titled:
code for fucking

[11 May 2003 | 07:26pm]
[ music | m. ward - outta my head. ]

oh a playful little kitten,
met a playful little bird...

and then off with his head, off with his head. oh my!

and a breeze met a blossom,
...in a winter embrace

and then off with its head, off with its head. oh my!

i love m. ward.

#%&2*@# | xoxo

scatterbrain [11 May 2003 | 01:16pm]
i don't know where to start. it makes me wonder.

she crawled into my bed friday night.
and slept softly against me for an eternity.

we've been talking a lot about what might be going on.
it always seems to center around her dealing with her last couple of troubled relationships.

i'm starting to feel guilty about this.

she tells me she needs time to heal.
i tell her ok. and walk away to wait.
and get impatient.....

so she asks me always what i'm up to.
and its almost always nothing.
but occasionally, my phone rings, or h. sends a msg
or the kitten asks if she can call....
and i get too involved with these girls. and i wonder is she wonders about this.
last friday, when we were fighting, she called late at night.
i was talking to the kitten, the first words out of her mouth were "are you on the other line?"
'yes' ... that was it. she didn't ask who. she didn't ask why. and i didn't want to tell her.

the blonde girl came back saturday afternoon, and we went shopping for a tie for the next job interview. we hung out in my room after. eventually, we were a pile of skin & furious breath....but that's another story.

the moral of this story:
(my roommate is in a similar situation in a way i think)
the boys from cabin 12 have problems falling.
we like, we love, we want.
but we've seen it before. we've fallen, been fallen for, made our love, lost it again. so, we can imagine, even in the best cases, it all going away. now we keep the door open to others. just in case we need to make a phone call at 2am....

i wasn't always this way....
#%&4*@# | xoxo

& i am horribly sad. [08 May 2003 | 11:06pm]
its been a duel lately.

she was here tonight. a girl like her i keep running into...
it gets hard. she was crying again.
i always make her cry.

i'm trying to stop with the 'i could's'
and told her i was falling....fast....(already gone)
and kissed her shoulder.

she furrowed her brow.

i can't. i can't. i can't.

[08 May 2003 | 08:10am]
i <3 tool.
#%&2*@# | xoxo

[07 May 2003 | 08:25am]
we stood, on a grey saturday afternoon,
on the outskirts of town.
arm in arm, her head against my chest.
staring off in the distance.
in the cold, cold rain.

she tells me she could fall for me in an instant.

but she doesn't.
#%&2*@# | xoxo

[04 May 2003 | 11:40pm]
we're going to tallahassee this summer.

the connecting flight leaves from memphis tennessee.

memphis baby!
#%&5*@# | xoxo

[04 May 2003 | 03:07pm]
...i hate to be alone on sunday...

[03 May 2003 | 11:15pm]
i'm at home. sipping on a glass of whiskey.
trying hard to deal with the fact that i'm falling in love.

we fought last night.

we made up today.

last night, very late at night. a woman i work with called me. i've thought she was a kitten for years now. she saw me with the blonde girl last night. and wondered who this girl was, draped on my arm. she called to see if i went home alone. i did. because we fought. it was strange, this conversation....i talked for almost 2 hours with this woman. she was asking everything. from where was the blonde girl, to you're getting famous at work, what do you think about it, to are you lying in bed? at 10am, the blonde girl called & said "i'm sorry, i just don't know how to deal with you, i could fall for you in a heartbeat, but i'm scared, i've never known anyone like you...."
and ex-h. called me tonight.
and i don't know.

we fought because she left last night, to go hang out with some friends (one of which an ex-boyfriend) and didn't tell me why she so suddenly had to go....

so, we're hedging bets.

i don't think either of us really believes this is happening. its that good. too good for either of us.

i'm listening to these songs over & over again tonight:
be quiet & drive (acoustic) - deftones.
woke up in a strange place - jeff buckley.
nobody knows me - lyle lovett.
i know we could be so happy - jeff buckley.
morning bell/amnesiac - radiohead.
miss misery - elliott smith.
lover, you should have come over - jeff buckley.

these are our love songs....

[02 May 2003 | 09:26am]
the blonde girl & i are exchanging emails outlining a plan to get little trolls & pixies and the like under our desks at work, to "service" us while we work.

i'm not sure how this got started....
#%&2*@# | xoxo

[01 May 2003 | 09:10am]
my new monster pc is up and running.
4 monster blue led fans make it hum like a hovercraft.
mmmm....its the most peaceful sound....

tonight, i'll finally be back online at home.
connected at 1 FULL mb/s! holy shit!

back online means back to long, sappy journal entries. oh the joy.

i so wanna go home right now.

the snake behind me hisses... [30 Apr 2003 | 01:45pm]
sometimes, if you piss me off, i can be an angry motherfucker.

look out.

me wantee: [29 Apr 2003 | 02:20pm]



#%&8*@# | xoxo

[29 Apr 2003 | 02:06pm]
my PC stuff is here!

2.0 ghz pentium processor
512 mb RAM
120 gb hard drive
& a motherboard from mars! it does everything!
#%&1*@# | xoxo

[29 Apr 2003 | 08:19am]
there was a girl once.
who fell for me....

she was too beautiful.

i couldn't tell her that.
so she went away.

i woke up thinking of her today.

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