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[13 Jul 2003 | 12:22am] |
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msn messenger is a fucker.
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[06 Jul 2003 | 09:28pm] |
I'm selling guitars
check back tomorrow, they'll be a Fender Princeton 65 Amp there as well.
maybe even some other things...
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[01 Jul 2003 | 11:36pm] |
h. came out to work for 'training' on friday.
she billed it as the event of the season.
complete with promises to wear something sexy.
and promises of nap time preparations (nap being code for that certain thing you do by yourself, that certain thing a woman who's engaged has to offer stories of, a certain sort of solitude)
promises of sly comments, and sly touches when nobody is looking.
she lived up to it.
complete with giggles. sly looks. a hand on my thigh. i left in a dash. and she went back to work.
i came back to a voicemail that said "i wish i still worked with you. i am so taking a nap tonight."
we've been having trouble resisting each other lately.
oi.
i should learn to behave some day.
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[23 Jun 2003 | 11:50pm] |
i go through long periods where i don't like the sound of my voice.
or the words that come out.
i'm pretty sure i'm in the middle of what's going to be the longest such period of my life.
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[17 Jun 2003 | 12:16am] |
i made her a cd. just to see what she'll say.
01. forever - ben harper.
02. brena - a perfect circle.
03. as is - ani difranco.
04. lover lay down - dave matthews.
05. archangel tale - m. ward.
06. at my most beautiful. rem.
07. genesis - jorma kaukonen.
08. one hundred ways - porno for pyros.
09. your body is a wonderland - john mayer.
10. everybody here wants you - jeff buckley.
11. lovesong - the cure. (zee 'acoustic' version)
12. luna - smashing pumpkins.
13. our way to fall - yo la tengo.
14. anna begins - counting crows.
15. always will - nanci griffith.
16. angel in the snow - elliott smith.
17. thirteen - big star (i used the wilco version)
18. nothing even matters - lauryn hill.
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[14 Jun 2003 | 11:27pm] |
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broken hard drives are the devil.
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[07 Jun 2003 | 10:00pm] |
 pretty_peoples
dig it.
if things keep to plan, my cam will be back in action by tomorrow.
i'll post if you do.
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| (excuse me, while i get this off my chest) |
[06 Jun 2003 | 07:15pm] |
i want to fuck.
rawr.
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[05 Jun 2003 | 08:29pm] |
so we went out for drinks after work last night.
& we were smiling, laughing, flirty as usual.
she was dressed in my favorite outfit.
a pink shirt & the sexiest damn black pants.
in a fit of laughing & me breathing 'you're beautiful' in her
ear, i slide my hand down her thigh.
she stopped suddenly and looked up. with a coy smile.
and brought up THE topic thats been overwhelming this journal lately.
it turned into quite a conversation at the bar.
eventually, my hand was between her legs.
wet & warm.
she was pressed against my hand
& stifling shortened breaths.
unbelievable.
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[04 Jun 2003 | 11:13pm] |
my hand was between her legs most of the night.
(wet & warm)
there's more of a story to follow.....
but right now, that's all that really matters.
my hand between her legs.
i'm sorry. in so many ways.
& i'm not in others.
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| ...to continue a theme. |
[03 Jun 2003 | 09:52pm] |
so h. got engaged a few weeks ago.
for those of you who don't know me from my past life,
h. is THE girl. sweetly, passionately, hungrily, emotionaly, physically, mentally. the girl.
we've had this conversation.
she said she was sorry.
i went away for awhile.
enter blonde girl.
she got jealous.
start fight.
i went FAR away.
i returned one day to tell her about a dream i had about her.
it was crazy. more intense than any dream i can remember.
flesh. flesh. flesh. and lots of it.
i told her about it in great detail.
a smile spread across her face.
she told me she was engaged.
i didn't say anything.
she said sorry.
back to this dream.
i said what?
she said i haven't heard things like this from you for awhile.
i gave more details.
she said she was drooling in her pants (a direct quote)
i said, yeah a lot of good its going to do me.
she said i know.
but i'm glad to hear this stuff from you for what its worth.
i thought that blonde girl had you wrapped all around her.
i said she does.
she said so tell me more.
i told her more.
she said she liked nap time a lot.
she was going home to take a nap.
i said i was too.
she said if you can stand up.
i said just keep talking for awhile, everyone will be gone soon, then it won't matter.
she said ... hmmm ...
but i need a nap.
i said so do i.
everyone left.
and i really did need to wait until they were all gone.
and i went home.
and she went home.
and she came to work the next day.
and said she took two very long naps.......
(and was glad i was back & so like i used to be)
i dreamt. i slept. i dreamt some more.
oh my.
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[01 Jun 2003 | 09:46pm] |
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anyone who says that masturbation isn't the greatest thing ever, obviously hasn't had enough practice.
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| its funny because its true. |
[31 May 2003 | 01:53am] |
i'm going to bed now.
& hopefully, i'll get a full nights sleep.
cuz that's what i need ... sleep.
we took myers-briggs personality tests today.
one of the things it said about me:
"you have an indirect way of showing affection"
just one of the many things we laughed about.
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[29 May 2003 | 11:23pm] |
its been a good few days.
but still, i can barely handle it.
you have no idea.
she has no idea.
i have no idea.
this is what its like.
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[27 May 2003 | 08:22am] |
i should have stayed short & moody on the telephone.
but, i guess, i wanted to show you.
we talked for 2 1/2 hours, late into the night.
and i had spent the entire weekend deciding it would be a good idea to just
let this go & distance myself from her....
then boom.
i don't suppose this will go away very soon.
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| oh my! |
[26 May 2003 | 07:35pm] |
i just figured out most of archangel tale by m. ward on guitar.
jesus. will wonders never cease?
i don't know if i've got too many guitar players on my friends list,
but if anyone is interested, i could tab it & pass it along.
...m ward tab isn't the easiest thing to come by...
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[26 May 2003 | 01:48pm] |
she'll be back tonight.
i wonder if she'll call....
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| i ask you to be my best, best friend ... and then i lose you. |
[23 May 2003 | 02:27pm] |
do ya having anything that isn't so sad and that the person is actually with the person they are in love with instead of singing about wanting to be??
i'm making the blonde girl listen to songs today at work. this was part of an email she just sent me.
i think ya'll know how i want to respond.....
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| the reasons why. |
[22 May 2003 | 12:27am] |
i bother.
i'm a couple of weeks away from my 27th birthday. my mom has been telling me for these 27 years that i would die a lonely old man (she tells me lots of other things, don't get any bad ideas). and i've been telling her i don't mind.
and i'm tired of tossed aside sexual relationships.
and good, but not forever relationships.
i have this dream of a cabin in the mountains, and a successful career/living to be gained from a picture perfect place so far away from this mess.
and for the first time ever, i feel like its possible. i'm getting closer to a position that will allow serious planning for it. and things are going ok. still a mess, but ok. i feel like i'm making slow progress in the right direction. out of holes i've dug.
i've even set goals. goals that are real, not some silly dream. 35. by 35 i will buy my cabin & live exactly the life i want to lead for the rest of my life.
but i don't want to do it alone.
8 years is not a lot of time to convince a girl to run away to the mountains, and be sure its the right decision for the both of us.
not long ago, when things were beautiful between this blonde girl & me. i told her a story. about a beat up pick-up truck and an old bmw motorcycle. a cabin with a great view & a garden.
her eyes lit up & she leaned across the table & gave me a kiss. she said it sounds beautiful....
not long after, we were paging through a map & laughing about places we'd like to live someday.
that. and she's me as a woman.
its scary. we tell each other about times when we've made the same mistakes.
we sigh when we watch the other make a mistake we've already made.
we let each other play out silly debates we've carefully constructed, because we know its important to make the arguement, but we know where its going to end, so we destroy it at the end, and when we do it. we say "yeah, i knew you were going to say that, but i just let you go" .. then the other says "fuck you" and we laugh.
fuck.
i just want this girl. and to take her away.
but i can't.
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[21 May 2003 | 08:13pm] |
she turned to ice in my arms once more tonight.
+what's wrong?
she says nothing....
long drawn out pause.
-maybe i should go.
+hmm...ok.
long drawn out pause.
-you're mad at me now.
+not mad, but this all makes me wonder.
-you look mad.
+not mad. wondering. i always wonder. maybe if you told me once, why all this happens, we can be having a good time together, then boom, you're gone.
long silence.
-maybe its not fair of me to do this to you.
+that thought has run through my head a lot lately. but, i don't want to just walk away.
-but maybe its best that way.
+why?
-you don't like what i've been doing to you lately, and i don't like you getting mad about it right now.
+if i ever once knew what you were doing, i might not get so mad. but you just vanish into thin air.
-i'm sorry.....
long silence.
staring into eyes. she stands up to leave. i grab her hand. and she keeps walking. i stand up and she stops.
+ok. i've been thinking one thing a lot lately. one snide asshole remark, then i'll be done.
for trying to get over him, you spend a lot of time with him.
if you're not trying to get over him, i need to know.
if you're trying, i'm not your mother, but you know....
and more tears & staring.
and she left.
(her ex cheated on her. and it was very hard on her. so she's been telling me about the trouble she's having trusting people, she gets horribly jealous, her moods swing.... and she doesn't want to put me through that. she would fall in a heartbeat she says, but can't let herself right now. so in the middle of all of these conversations, she's been hanging out with him again. i've been patient. don't think i can anymore)
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[21 May 2003 | 12:09am] |
ooooohhhhhh. oh. oooooohhhhh....
for weeks. i've ached & wondered.
i just ache & wonder.
i think of her in the sweet sunlight.
and she doesn't trust me.
ohhh. i know.
and i don't trust her.
i saw some girl last night,
i swear i recognized her.
we talked with strange stars in our eyes.
and parted...
thinking. how i know you....
i don't blame her.
but i know....
skin it curls.
she could be mine,
in sunlight.
(the thing that did it, i spent a month waking up nearly every morning, lying on the couch with a cup of coffee while she got ready. she would walk by, give me a kiss & say its so nice to have you here in the morning. then it was gone.)
i don't know.
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[19 May 2003 | 01:59am] |
i'm lost. i'm confused.
i know what i want.
i can't help thinking it will pass though, if i let it.
and i just might have to. let it.
and there will be another.
maybe that's my lot in life. a love that never stays....
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