Jordana Brewster's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Jordana Brewster [ website | The Fast and the Furious ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

DISCLAIMER [13 Jan 2010|01:32pm] [This journal is part of a non-profit roleplaying community and is not intended to be taken literally as the character portrayed. I am in no way associated with the owners of the intellectual property the character belongs to. No copyright infringement is intended, nor do I pretend to own any part of said property, trademarks or characters. This journal may be subject to permanent suspension without notice at the request of the real person, trademark holder, copyright owner or agent thereof.] * Furious * disclaimer

[18 Jul 2003|09:51am] [ mood | pissed off ] This has got to fucking stop. Since when do people have no common curtesy to even TELL you when it's over? Especially after they promise to never just disappear again. Shame on me for giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Shame on me for thinking this time it'd be different. Now I'm just pissed. 11 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

[08 Jul 2003|01:41pm] I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I gave him a second chance because he seemed so sincere. I am a firm believer that everyone makes mistakes and should be forgiven, but I guess I was stupid to have trusted him... again. The worst part is how he's not even being honest with me after he promised he would. He won't talk to me. He won't tell me what he's feeling. I'm packed and ready to leave if he wants me to. But a big part of me wants him to tell me to stay. I care a lot. A lot more than I should. Why does this keep happening to me? What did I do deserve this? 4 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

[25 Jun 2003|11:39pm] [ mood | tired ] Australia was just as amazing and beautiful as I had expected it to be. Though I had been once before, it had been for work and I hadn't been able to really see the sights. This trip was only for pleasure and almost every day found me out exploring my surroundings. Most was done on my own, Hayden, Nat and the others were busy with pre-filming and then eventual filming, but I didn't complain. I was just thankful that they had allowed me to visit. Nat and I did find a time to go shopping one of the days and that was enjoyable. On another day, Hayden and I went for ice cream at this little shack by the beach. Nice memories were made on both outings. A few days ago, he called. The action caught me completey off guard, after all, it was the first contact we had had with each other since he had left. His call confused me and for a while I didn't know what to think. Sure, a big part of me still cared, but another part was trying hard to move on. I told him that I missed him, and as our talk progressed I found my defenses slowly being torn down. After talking a few nights in a row, I left Australia and flew to meet him while on tour. Things seem to be back to normal and as much as I want a guarantee that this won't happen again, I'm learning to live in the moment. ~J * Furious * disclaimer

A New Day [18 Jun 2003|09:10am] [ mood | okay ] As I stare at the blinking curser in this white box, I try desperately to find a way to establish some sort of closure to whatever I had going with Ashley. But then I realize that formal closure is impossible, after all, I myself never got any closure. I'm a strong woman, I can handle the truth, and I resent the fact that he was either too cowardly or too immature to give me the truth. I'm tired of sleepless nights spent wondering what I did wrong. It's so hard to convince myself that it's not my fault -- especially when it's happened so many times. Nick cheated only to realize he was in love with the person he was cheating with, Paul told me what we had going was different than anything else he had felt only to realize he too was in love with someone else, and Ashley and I spent an amazing week together only to have him leave without word and/or contact since. I feel like my sole purpose romantically has been to act as the one to show men who they really love, a sort of stepping stone to others' happiness. Is it so bad to want to be the girl who gets the guy for once? I'm tired of hearing that there's nothing wrong with me, but that I'm just not right for them. I'm tired of hearing that it'll happen eventually. I'm tired of telling myself that "This time around things will work out." How am I supposed to put my heart on the line time and time again when it keeps getting broken? What is so horribly wrong with me? Brittany has provided an incredible amount of support these past few days and I owe her so much. Against my original wishes, she's trying to set me up. I was iextremely hesitant at first, and I think I have good reason to be, but after much begging and pleading, she convinced me to talk to him. Like she said, it's just talking, how bad can it be? And besides, I trust her judgement and I know the guy would have to be pretty damn good for HER to set anyone up, especially me. She knows what I've been through. We seemed to hit it off well, this guy and I. We learned that we have some things in common and he invited me out for a visit which I accepted. It'll do me some good to get away for a while, and at the very least I will return with a few new friends. I arrive in a few hours (I'm on the plane right now), and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Brittany and Eric were supposed to fly out with me, but I couldn't get a hold of them in time to tell them that I was leaving sooner than planned. No, I'm not rushing to be alone with him, I'm rushing because filming starts the 22nd and I want to be able to spend some time with him before things get really crazy. Brit, if you read this, I'll give you a call when I get in. "The past is history. The future is a mystery. This moment is a gift, that's why we call it the present." I need to stop living in the past. I need to learn to let go of my grudges and my pain and allow new people and new experiences into my life. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I can't imagine it can be any worse than the past has been. All I have is today, and I'm going to make the most of it. ~Jo 4 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

Random Shout outs [13 Jun 2003|11:35am] [ mood | cheerful ] Where the hell is Josh? I swear that boy needs a tracking device. *laughs softly* PLEASE call me, ASAP, okay? I need to bug you. :-X Chelle -- I love you and things will work out. Just hang in there. He's busy, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care. He wouldn't have asked you to fly to Canada to be with him if he didn't. ;) I'm here if you need me Chelle-a-bell. :-* Elijah -- We haven't spoken in a while, sweetie. I hope things are going well for you. Give me a call, okay? Vin -- I miss you. I know you're busy, but give me a call when you have a few free moments. I love you my crazy dancing partner. ;) Katie -- I enjoyed our talk the other day. I'm glad things seem to be improving for you. It just goes to show that you really can turn your world around with a little time and help from friends. We need to get together when you get back from Hawaii. :) Dan -- I'm sorry again for burdening you with my worry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you. Thank you for putting up with me. It won't happen again. 2 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

[10 Jun 2003|04:42pm] [ mood | okay ] The last few days haven't been too eventful, and though it would appear that I've been lonely, I'm beginning to enjoy the time I get by myself. There's so much to observe, so much to take in from the beauty that is our world. I think it's often taken for granted. For the past few mornings I have awoken earlier than usual. I'm not allowing myself to sulk, and my self discipline is improving. I wake up, get out of bed, throw on a pair of sweats and a sports bra, eat a quick breakfast then exit out the back door, dogs in tow, for my morning jog. After my jog, I sit down on the soft sand and let my mind wander as my dogs prance playfully up and down the beach. They've come to enjoy it as much as I have. For the most part the beach is private, but the occasional surfer, mother with children, or set of lovers who fail to see anyone but each other, can be spotted from where I sit. Sometimes seeing them makes me lonely and brings back memories of him, but I try as best I can to push the thoughts away. What good will it do to dwell upon them? Still, I wish I knew if I did something wrong. I think that's the hardest part -- being kept in this perpetual state of guessing. I don't know where he is, or why he hasn't returned my calls, but I realize that there's nothing more I can do until he's ready to talk. Giving him space is my only option, and I just hope that he knows that I still think about him and cling to a small shred of hope that he'll come back and things between us will be good, if not better than they used to be. And until the guessing ends, I have this beautiful beach, my wonderful dogs and amazing friends to keep me company. Yeah... I'll be okay. :-\ 2 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

[07 Jun 2003|10:24am] [ mood | sad ] I knew bringing it up would be a bad idea, but I let someone convince me otherwise. Now he says that nothing's wrong, but I see the far away look in his eyes. I know him better than that. I know there's something wrong and it pains me that he won't tell me what it is. I feel like I'm responsible for his pain and I hate that. I feel like once again I ruined a good thing. I spent the night and when I woke up in the morning he was still asleep. I watched him for what seemed like hours. He looked so peaceful, the most peaceful I had seen him look all night. I scribbled a note to let him know that I had left, then placed it on the pillow I had been using, next to his. I didn't change out of his clothes, they smelled like him and I didn't want to leave them. Now I'm back home, sitting here in his clothes, trying desperately to figure out what I did wrong. I want to call him, but something's holding me back. Something's telling me I should wait for him to make the first move. Things were going so well. I guess it was only a matter of time before something happened. * Furious * disclaimer

Who would have thought? [03 Jun 2003|04:12am] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Norah Jones - Come Away With Me ] I'm way too tired to even begin to put into words what I'm feeling right now, but I needed to post something. So until tomorrow when I have more time and energy to elaborate, here's my one line post. I'm happy, very, very, happy. Goodnight (or good morning, considering it's 4 am!) to all. :) ~Jo 2 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

"And I... want to thank you... for giving me the best day of my life..." [26 May 2003|03:23am] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Dido - Thank You ] Life works in strange ways. It's easy to give up when things get tough, to throw your hands up in defeat and wallow in self pity. That's what I did and I have the past entries to prove it. It's hard to keep up hope after so many obstacles have been shoved your way. I had myself convinced that things wouldn't work out. I believed that I had done something wrong, that it was I who didn't deserve the happiness. But just when you think you know exactly where your life is headed, fate comes along and leads you down an unexpected turn. This time, that turn has been for the better. I'd never had that instantaneous connection with someone before. All the previous men I've cared for have gained my affection over time. Though some affection grew quicker than others, none were so strong so suddenly. None gave me the sweaty palms and racing heart upon first encounter. It was strange how it happened, but then again, maybe it happened how it was supposed to. I wasn't looking for it, at least not with him, but it found me anyway. I commented him not for selfish self interest, but because I felt his pain through his entry. It touched me because I was feeling the same way he was. I liked the idea of starting a friendship with someone who was going through so similar an experience. He IMed me to thank me for my empathy and we began to talk. From there the similarities between us stretched from merely the experiencing of similar situations, to the common love of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream, to our similar taste in music, and to our corresponding views on various ideas/situations/thoughts. We both mentioned that we hadn't gotten out of the house recently, and I hesitantly invited him over. I still wasn't feeling great, and I feared that I'd be bad company. But seeing him at my front door a little while later gave me all the proof I needed that I had done the right thing. I had no regrets about inviting him over because I knew at that moment that he was someone who was going to help me get through my most current obstacle. I don't know how I knew, but I did. And I was right. We laughed, joked, ate, and as the afternoon and evening progressed, I felt myself completely at ease with this new friend who so quickly was showing me a side of myself I thought I had lost forever. He understands me better than anyone I've ever met. I feel like he knows what I'm thinking almost as quickly as I do. His caring eyes, tender voice and sincere words convince me that everything he says, he means. I like not having to guess with him. He says what he feels, just like I do. Then again, he does a lot of things like I do. He's that missing part of me that I've been searching so long for. Now I know what people mean when they say that it is not until your darkest moment that the brightest light will shine. And for once, I'm not worried about what tomorrow holds, because I know that he'll be there beside me every step of the way. ~Jordana 6 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

A happy update... finally? [25 May 2003|04:17am] [ mood | refreshed ] It's hard for me to find a good place to begin this update, my mind is too jumbled to make much sense of anything. All I know right now is that things are beginning to look up, thanks in large part to some good company and two pints of Ben and Jerry's. I feel... refreshed and rejuvenated. I'm not sure how long this feeling with last, but I'm hoping it won't go away anytime soon. My eyes are fighting to stay open so I better go get some rest. More tomorrow. Maybe. ~Jordana 4 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

[21 May 2003|10:23pm] [ mood | crushed ] There are no words to describe what I'm feeling right now, or how I've felt the past few days. So many emotions are running through me and it doesn't seem possible to sort them out. I'm sad, lonely, angry, upset, resentful, pissed off, depressed, and that's just a tiny piece of it. I think it must be something that I'm doing wrong. You don't get dumped twice in less than two months by people who have realized that they're in love with other people. I feel like my sole purpose is to reveal to men that they still care for their ex/someone else. And if I didn't do anything wrong, then why don't I deserve to be happy? Why do they get to break my heart just to run into the arms of another person. I want the happy ending for once. I'm sick of being the stepping stone to other people's happiness. I feel numb and alone. Lost and scared. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to love him. *Rips the necklace he gave her off her neck and throws it across the room angrily then burts into tears* I don't want to be alone. 4 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

Voicemail [17 May 2003|02:33pm] [ music | alone ] ( Voicemail for Vin ) * Furious * disclaimer

[14 May 2003|08:43pm] [ mood | depressed ] I think it's safe to say that it's officially ME who has the problem. What else am I supposed to think after it happens twice in a row? I've learned one thing: Taking chances only leads to pain. And things that seem to fit perfectly are too good to be true. At least for me. The irony of it is, I realized a few nights ago that I'm in love with him... 5 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

[13 May 2003|03:16pm] [ mood | lonely ] I feel like shrivelling up into a tiny ball and disappearing. No one would miss me anyway. What's wrong with me? /pointless update 3 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

Random Update [10 May 2003|07:46pm] [ mood | content ] I was feeling creative yesterday so I decided that this year, instead of buying my mom a present, I would make one. I bought a plain flower pot then broke up tiles and grouted them on. It turned out really nice and I'm sure my mom will love it. She lives for those kinds of things. Speaking of Mother's Day, tomorrow I'm off to another family shin-dig. I love being with my family, but Mother's Day is the one holiday that's a little difficult. I'm the only adult who doesn't have a child, and while I'm usually fine just goofing off and being one of the kids, Mother's Day makes it hard. I think it's that day more than any other day that makes me realize how much I really do want a child of my own. My mom suggested that I bring Paul, Meadow and his mother, and it looks like the two ladies might attend. Paul, however, has to work. It's too bad, I'm sure he would have loved to be scrutinized by my family, not to mention attacked by the never ending questions. ;) I know Meadow would get along great with my young nieces and nephews, and I've always loved Paul's mother so I'm really hoping they'll both come. I got to see Paul tonight for the first time since before he left for Toronto. I feel like it's been ages, but I guess absence makes the heart grow stronger, or whatever the saying is. All I can say about things with him is that I really like where they are right now and I look forward to seeing where they're headed. He makes me happy and I care for him deeply. I'm going to go grab something to eat. I'll update soon. ~Jordana 2 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

I'm Sick [03 May 2003|12:58pm] [ mood | sick ] *Sits up in bed and pulls her laptop into her lap. Opens to her journal and types* So I'm sick now. I have a horrible cold, my head is throbbing and my nose is as red as Rudolph's. I can't even get out of bed to make myself soup. I went out last night with some friends and I had a pretty good time. We drank, laughed, danced, and all that other fun stuff. I hadn't been feeling well yesterday afternoon but I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to go clubbing with the girls so I joined them. I left early so I could get some sleep and I JUST NOW woke up. *looks at the clock* It's 2! *Sneezes* I think I'm going to go back to bed... ~J 2 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

My Birthday [28 Apr 2003|05:21am] [ mood | content ] Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. They meant a lot. :) My birthday was wonderful. Paul took me to a quiet restaurant in Little Tokyo where we enjoyed a nice dinner without the constant interruption of fans and press. He was right; everyone was laid back and didn't approach us every two seconds begging for autographs. *Looks down at her necklace and smiles* There really isn't much more to tell about my day. Other than the evening with Paul, it was pretty much uneventful. I got the usual 10,000 phone calls from family and friends (not to mention getting yelled at after I heard my friends had planned to surprise me and take me out to dinner, only to find out that I had flown to NY). Oh well, they'll get over it. *laughs* I think I'm going to go shopping today. And that's my update. :) ~Jordy * Furious * disclaimer

New York, anyone? [26 Apr 2003|12:59pm] [ mood | content ] *Grabs her laptop from the nightstand next to her bed and pulls it onto her lap, opening it to her journal. Gives the hotel room a quick once over then begins to type, a small smile on her lips* So, you'll never guess where I am. But then again, in order for you to fully understand what happened, I need to back up. There I was, sitting at home in bed last night, imerresed in a book when I heard a knock on my door. My dogs jumped off my bed and made a run for the door while I slowly sighed and got up doing the same. I must admit I was a little annoyed. Who would stop by so late without calling? In the back of my mind I hoped it would be him, but I knew better. He was in New York on business and there was no way it could be him. Or so I thought. I opened the door, shocked to see HIM standing there, a dozen red roses in hand. I froze, standing there like a complete idiot unable to do or say anything. I honestly thought I was imagining things. But I wasn't. *smiles to herself* He invited me to New York with him and without a second's hesitation, I said yes. I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be right now, mostly because HE'S there. I packed quickly and we rushed to catch the red eye flight. Everything that happened after we left my house is sort of a haze to me. But even if I DID remember everything, I wouldn't want to bore you with the details. Anyway, so here I am, sitting in a beautiful hotel room in the center of New York City on my birthday. Paul's out at a meeting. I feel so bad that he only got a few hours of sleep last night since he had to get up so early for his meeting. I'm not sure what his plans are for the rest of the day, but I'm sure I'll get to see him whenever he has a free moment. I'm not sure if he saw my long post to him. *Bites her lip* I think I may have gotten a little carried away with it, but I would have liked to at least known that he had seen it, you know? Oh well, I guess I can't complain. *Smiles a little* It seems like things are okay between us. *Leans back against her pillows and runs her fingers through her hair. Hears a knock on her door and jumps out of bed, opening the door for room service. Sits back in her bed and goes back to typing as the man sets her breakfast up* Mmm... I ordered a REALLY late breakfast but it smells amazing. I'm going to cut this short so I can go eat. If anything else exciting happens today I'll be sure to update about it later. ~Jordy *Pushes update journal and closes her laptop. Signs the room service paper then turns on the TV and begins on her late breakfast. Grins to herself* This is the life... 2 Fast and * Furious * disclaimer

[25 Apr 2003|06:24pm] Locked post for Paul... *smiles a little* * Furious * disclaimer

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