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johnny clue

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a little over a year, so much has happened, so much has changed... where to begin... [11 Sep 2007|07:01pm]
[ mood | okay ]

i remembered i had this journal a few days ago. i couldn't remember the site until today when i stumbled upon the name while doing a google search.

when i last wrote, i spoke of flying somewhere off the coast of greece. that i did, i went to folegandros. the island of peace. my stay there lasted a month and at the end resulted in my letting go of one of my best friend's ashes. she passed away, shortly before of lung cancer that had remained untreated and spread. i became very ill then with pneumonia and was forced to come home to see a doctor. i faced the darkest days of my life while i was in greece. never once had suicide crossed my mind until that time. it was very hard and in a way, i believe the pneumonia saved my life... i was ready to take my own.

this year hasn't been much different from last. i've lost three more sisters, a brother in law, a niece and a friend.

my sisters, lilly and jasmine stand by my side now. the children of my oldest sister, helena, are now in my custody. at 24, i'm now the legal guardian of three beautiful children. we remain in chicago right now. i took the position with pixar. i know i mentioned that before but this time as a full time employee. i live in oakland, california where i am having a house refurnished for myself, my sister lilly and the children.

my friends have since decided to make california their homes as well. i can't tell you how much having them there means to me. i've come to terms with the fact that i cannot do this alone.

there are times when it's too overwhelming. where i find myself in tears while showering. it's difficult. it's even harder when a person's sexual orientation is thrown into the public forces dealing with this matter. and being questioned over my sister's wishes. i'm gay. i'm able to provide my niece and nephews with a home, clothes, food, everything their heart desires... and most importantly, love. they are surrounded by it. and i give my word that no harm will ever come to them. i know, in my heart, that i am strong enough to overcome this and fight with every ounce of my being to prove that regardless of who i sleep with at night, i am a suitable guardian for these children and a great father. it aggravates me. that a man is now defined by his sexual preference. not by his skills, talents or by his heart but rather who he gives his heart to. i love with every fiber of my being. i show respect to those who give it. i am not less of a man because i choose to give myself to another man. i am not less of a father because of it either.

a friend recently asked me about my plans. what now, now that i have three children to care for. the truth is, i don't know. plans never seem to work out for me. perhaps in due time things will fall into place and i believe in that. one day at a time. and to live each day to it's fullest. appreciate and love life and the people who remain in it. cherish the memory of those who are no longer physically present in the world but know that they will forever be with us.

i've been worried... that over the past year and a half i've completely lost myself.
re-reading what i wrote then and what i'm writing now... i don't think i have. it's just been buried beneath the emotions that needed, at the time, to take the forefront of things.
i feel like i'm standing on the ocean shore breathing the fresh air.
it's more than a sigh of relief.
it's finally remembering who i was and rediscovering myself.

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the airport, beauty through the passenger window and the ocean.. [27 Aug 2007|08:40pm]
i saw you step off of the plane. you had your head down and your duffle bag over your shoulder. you looked up and glanced around. my grip tightened around the flowers in my hand. i felt the sweat trickle down the side of my temple. i was nervous. thoughts raced through my mind as our eyes met. a smile immediately drew onto your face as you approached me. your cheeks were flushed and the smile turned into a grin and you looked up at me. the flowers and your luggage hit the ground as i took your face in my hands and kissed those perfect lips. you wrapped your arms around my waist and our bodies met. not even an inch from your lips we said hello to one another. you laughed and turned your head down. i kissed your forward. you bent down and picked up the flowers. you touched them to your nose then kissed me again. i took your luggage from you and we walked, hand and hand to my car. i placed your luggage in the back. opened the passenger door for you. you stood there and wrapped your arms around me. you pulled me close. i could feel my heart racing. you whispered 'i love you' into my lips and kissed me. i felt my knees get weak under your passionate kiss. 'i love you too' escaped my lips when you pulled away.
your fingers between mine, the trip home was scenic and beautiful. the water was crystal blue. you had a smile on your face and kept pointing out different things that caught your attention. we pulled into my driveway. you took off right for the private beach behind us. you beckoned for me to follow. you ran right into the water, clothes and all and once i was close enough, you pulled me in with you.

i don't remember anything. shortly after, i woke up.
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in the alley, in the dark of night... [23 Aug 2007|08:40pm]
you stood there with this look in your eye. the gun slipped out of your hand and you fell to your knees crying out that you were sorry. tears fell from your eyes like a waterfall. i stood there. i remember thinking that this might be a trick. i didn't know you. i had no reason at all to trust you. a few moments earlier you tried to rob me. i could taste the blood on my lip from where you hit me.

but there you were, on your knees. your face was buried in your hands. the gun lay right beside you. i knew that if you intended to take my life, you would. i walked over to you and stood before you. your eyes met the glow of the street light and you raised your hand to shield the light. i knelt down and picked up the gun. the bullets hit the ground with a echoed ping as i emptied the barrell. i handed the gun back to you.

there was one bullet left.

i turned and walked away.
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dreams of love, passion and desire [22 Aug 2007|08:39pm]
you lightly pressed your lips to the back of my neck. i had been working so hard that i lost track of the time. you beckoned me to bed but i regret to say that i cannot, 'i have to finish this.' i watch you turn your back and walk into our bedroom, the light that illuminated the room flicked off.
the sunrise that morning was snow covered. the trees shook off the first snow of winter. i heard you get up, shower and walk out the door. i was still in the study, consumed in my work. i had a deadline to meet. the door opened and you called to me, ' come on johnny, it's the first snow of winter. let's take a walk like we used to always do.' i just shook my head. 'i have a deadline to meet.'
i could feel the sadness rush over you as you turned to walk away. but instead of making things right, i returned to work.
once the evening set, i walked out of the study and went looking for you. my heart raced when i couldn't find you anywhere in the house. i heard you call to me and i look out of the window onto a landing outside. as i turned to look in your direction, i was greeted with a ice cold snowball to my face. i heard you laugh and i smiled instantly. it's what i love about you. your playful demeanor. you have a blanket layed out on the snow and padded it with your hand. i came and sat next to you. barefoot in the snow, we watched the stars. i noticed that you were shaking and insisted that we call it a night.
inside, i drew a bath for you. helped you slip out of your clothes and into the warm water. i massaged your shoulders. kissed your soft skin as the water washed away. i apologized for my constant refusal. and in the midst you pressed your finger to my lips and kissed me, passionately. i felt your strength build as you pulled me, fully clothed, into the tub with you. i laughed. i had asked for it.
i crawled between your legs to meet your lips once more. you unbuttoned my shirt and soon the soaking wet piece of clothing was on the floor.
i kissed you. lips locked. my hands explored your body in the water. i paid attention to every inh of skin visible above the water. i stood up and stepped out of the tub. i undid my pants and dropped them to the floor.
i scooped you up out of the water and wrapped a warm towel around you pulling you to me and kissing you once more.
i had your back pressed against the wall. i could feel your heart racing. i wispered 'i love you' to you and felt your arms tighten around my neck. you pulled me tightly to you. i got lost inside of you as we layed down on the bed.
as the sunrise shown through our windows. i had my arms wrapped tightly around you. you had your head on my chest. i watched you sleep. i kissed your forehand and told you that i love you. you stirred. grabbed me tighter.

then in a moment, you were gone.
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update [23 Aug 2006|10:53am]
it has been over a month since i've last posted. in that time i've lost my best friend to a car accident and my sister to a brain tumor.

my night terrors have returned and they are worse then ever and more frequent then ever. just like when i was a child. i would stay awake for weeks because i was afraid to sleep. i'm back to that state.

i haven't been able to eat since friday. almost a week without food. i know that if i can't get something to stay in my body soon i will end up in the emergency room poked full of needles and a feeding tube.

i'm scared. lonely. cold. i'm sad. i feel like my world crumbles whenever i stay somewhere too long.

i want to grab my luggage and fly somewhere.

ideally i want to fly to some unnamed island off the coast of greece and watch the sunset.

realistically, i have to return to my life.
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emergency room visit and the near future. [21 Jul 2006|08:03am]
[ mood | cranky ]

i just got in an hour and a half ago from the emergency room. they altered the ingredients in something i have eaten for years and it started to create a blockage in my lower intestine. last night, i was in so much pain i callapsed when i stood. forced to go to the emergency room, i went. i don't care much for doctors or for medicine; due to the procedures of the past. i declined to have any pain killers but i think they put some in my i.v. anyway. so much for respecting someone's wishes. oh well, i got a little bit of sleep.

i'm feeling better, although sore. i'm going to try and get some more sleep before the show this evening.

tonight i am off to chicago. we have four days off and i am moving my sisters to new york city. jade is coming a long to help and i get to see jackie boy! once my plane lands and we pack up, we are hitting the road so we can arrive in the morning sometime and pick up their keys. it's going to be a long weekend. BUT i get to sleep in my own bed! depending on the time i have in new york, i may or may not look for tattoo locations. it also depends on how jake is feeling.

the 26th it's back to the road; warped tour: cincinnati, pittspurgh, indianapolis. and then regular shows in st. louis and cleveland. then it's august already. holy shit. i'll be off to tokyo soon. (get's excited).

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ex lover in canada [19 Jul 2006|10:45pm]
[ mood | content ]

i find it to be an interesting coincedence that i spend this morning thinking about past loves and relationships and then, i just happen to run into an ex lover today... in canada. he took my breath away like the first time we met. his beautiful green eyes still enough to make a person weak in the knees. he dropped the bags he was carrying and wrapped his arms around my chest and pulled me into him. the smell of him was intoxicating. he kept his arms locked around me and looked up at me, asked me how i was and what i was doing. we talked.. his body close to mine. i feared he would hear how hard my heart was pounding. my god, he is so beautiful. i bit my lip with the thoughts of the past, he asked me what i was thinking about...

i helped him carry his bags to his apartment and we caught up with one another. sitting on his couch, his body still close to mine, he grabbed the middle of my shirt and pulled me too him. his kiss was hard but passionate. just like him, tough as nails but he had more passion then anyone i knew. he pulled me on top of him, bending his knees around my waist.. we layed there, kissing one another, his fingers in my hair and my hands on his hips.

our clothes came off as we went into his bedroom. we made love to one another in the glow of the sun as it peered in through the window. his skin kissed with sweat, he was beautiful... even more so when he came for me a fourth and final time. i kissed his neck, layed next to him and he wrapped his arm around me and fell asleep on my chest. i watched him, the way his body moved when he breathed. i missed him.

i left him there, sleeping. i wrote him a long letter and left it on the pillow where i layed. i got dressed, kissed his forehead, the side of his lips and whispered goodbye to him....

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calgary, ab, canada [19 Jul 2006|02:15am]
it was hot as the sun beat down on the ceremony. the black casket covered in white roses. i could hear the crys of the guests as the ceremony began. i brought with me a red rose, my words written for you along the petals. i layed it across where your chest remained still. the petals may wilt and fade away but my words to you my brother will forever remain. i walked away knowing that your body was at rest and that your soul was now free. i stopped and looked back as they lowered your casket into the ground. my heart felt at ease knowing the cruelty of this world could no longer harm you. we will meet again, my friend. never a forever goodbye.

jet lagged, exhausted and emotionally drained, here i sit in another hotel room. no view, no balcony, just the moldy smell of previous tenants and stiff sheets. i could honestly use a california sunset right now...

soon i will be back on the bus, back on the road, a familiarity i have found comfort in. no longer alone, surrounded by friends - a couple crazy guys, one quiet one, an ex-lover and a woman who helps me to keep my sanity.

i am looking forward to the unavoidable smith hello hump.

as for now, i bid you all goodnight. rest well. sweet dreams.
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moonlight serenade [18 Jul 2006|02:34pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

come dance with me in the moonlight
and let the music of our hearts lead the way

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to a friend, a mentor, a brother. [18 Jul 2006|01:06pm]
[ mood | blank ]

dear reggie,
when we first met at the rancid show in california. i remember giving you bar napkins for your bleeding nose and apologizing for elbowing you. you laughed it off, introduced yourself and automatically knew i was not from around there. you took me under your wing and because of you, i actually liked my brief relocation to california. when i told you i was moving, you threatened my father but you wished me luck and told me to never give up on myself. i remember,a few years later, we ran into one another in chicago. you didn't recognize me. this kid you knew back then was grown up. taller, fit... a man. it took you a minute to let it all click and when it did i remember not being able to breathe with your arms wrapped around me so tight. we talked, for hours. one of the best conversations i have had to date. you told me you were leaving the next morning. i met you at the airport and said a final goodbye. you told me 'i'll see you later'.

a few years later, salt lake city, we meet again. you are standing outside of the venue, near the buses. i barely recognize you but you recognized me as i step off the bus. you jumped on my back, ecstatic to say hello. we talk for a little while the crowd moved inside. we said our part, we exchanged numbers and said, 'i will see you again.'

not knowing that today is the day when i will see you again. no ecstatic hello, a forever goodbye. i don't know what happened between salt lake city and sunday but i do know that whatever it was, eating at you from the inside, took your life.

descanso agora meu irmão e ve amor vida outro dia eu est contente eu começ v você um último tempo com um sorri seu cara você ve meu vida para um razão e você para sempre remanesç um peça me seu memória queim com luz um vela e dev nunca desvaneç poss seu corpo descanso paz e seu alma est livre. eu te amo love you meu irmão, para sempre e sempre.

[rest now my brother and come to love life another day. i'm glad i got to see you one last time with a smile on your face. you came into my life for a reason and you will forever remain a part of me. your memory will burn with the light of a candle and shall never fade. may your body rest in peace and your soul be free. i love you my brother, forever and always.]

- johnathan
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a toast [18 Jul 2006|11:53am]
[ mood | blank ]

i'm attending reggie's funeral this afternoon. in the heat of the california sun. a closed casket ceremony.

leaving for canada tonight. a change of scenery. back to the crowds, the chaos, the comfort of the road. friends, laughter. no longer alone and yet... still alone.

here's to those who have changed my life. to those i've met and those i will meet. to my inspirations. to my angels.

here's to the past for the memories. the good and the bad. for our past has made us who we are today. and even in this very moment, we will change.

and here's to a new day, a new adventure and most importantly...

a new begining.

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pixar, california, funeral [17 Jul 2006|10:48pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

i took the job with pixar. under the revised contract, i will be able to travel and complete my work for their company. when and if they need me in the studio, i will be flown into california from where ever in the world i may be. i have a job. a job that will allow me to continue on with my schedule, continue on with the tour and with my life and it will supply me with a steady income. no suits for this new yorker, none.

i am staying in california for a little longer. i have grown fond of the sunrise and the sunsets here. tomorrow is reggie's funeral. i will go and pay my respects to my friend, my brother.

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greg "reggie" mclaughlin [16 Jul 2006|09:27pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | tool ]

on friday i mentioned running into an old friend of mine from california during the tour stop in salt lake city. i just received a phone call from his sister, kelly (i'm assuming smith gave her the hotel number), that reggie took his own life early this morning. i guess, from what she told me, there was drug paraphernalia found scattered around his apartment and traces of cocaine found in his blood. he got a hold of a roomate's gun and shot himself. he was alone, his roomate was out of town.

i'm angry and sad but there's no use in asking why, no one will ever know. not now, not ever.

descanso agora meu irmão e ve amor vida outro dia eu est contente eu começ v você um último tempo com um sorri seu cara você ve meu vida para um razão e você para sempre remanesç um peça me seu memória queim com luz um vela e dev nunca desvaneç poss seu corpo descanso paz e seu alma est livre. eu te amo love you meu irmão, para sempre e sempre.

[rest now my brother and come to love life another day. i'm glad i got to see you one last time with a smile on your face. you came into my life for a reason and you will forever remain a part of me. your memory will burn with the light of a candle and shall never fade. may your body rest in peace and your soul be free. i love you my brother, forever and always.]

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california - pixar adventure - day two [16 Jul 2006|03:59pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | alkaline trio ]

i spent all day yesterday working on a story board, which i managed to complete late last night while sitting on the hotel balcony. today i will present it and start working from there. i've made quite a few contacts while being here. doors are opening every which way and i am excited to see what the future holds.

helena is being released from the hospital on monday.

tuesday, the 18th through the 21st, i will be in canada. then i'm off until the 25th, during that time i will be relocating my sisters, lilly and elaine, from chicago to new york. and then rejoining the tour in cincinnati, ohio, te start of six east coast dates and then back to the west coast.

this summer has gone by really fast. which is a good and a bad thing. i know once this tour is done, i will feel like someone just pushed the pause button on my life. or well, put my life on slow motion.


my story board was approved. i have been working on the animation all morning and i am currently on a break.
:) i'm looking forward to the rest of the day. this opportunity has really opened my eyes and allowed me to see what i am capable of doing. i have faith in myself and in my talent. i feel great. like i can do anything. and i can... as long as i believe in myself and put forth the effort.

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emeryville, california [15 Jul 2006|03:57pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | the format ]

i arrived in california safely last night. my hotel room overlooks the beauty of the san francisco bay. i fell asleep on the balcony listening to the waves crash against the beach. here, i begin my weekend of animation work with pixar studios in emeryville, california. this morning, i sat in a meeting with the blue suits of the company to discuss an employment contract. i didn't bother to wear a suit or dress up at all. i walked into the meeting in a t-shirt and ripped jeans. what can i say, i'm just an east coast rocker guy, i'm a rebel. i don't care for the life of a 9 to 5 job where professionalism is held to a very high standard, one that when faultered could mean the loss of a job. i've worked for them before, i am nothing new.

i listened to their compromises and i made some suggestions on my own. they will discuss it and we will endure another meeting in the near future.

at this point, i don't think i will take the position with their company. there's too much i want and need to do before i settle in on a permanent position. plus, relocating to california is a big decision. i found my home in new york and that is where i want to be when i begin a life long career. i don't live life for the money; i live my life to experience everything this world has to offer and sitting behind a desk, behind a computer screen... not right now. not ever. i enjoy animating but to do it on a daily basis, for years and years to come... i just can't imagine living that life. every once in awhile, yes. to be a part of the movie magic, i will do it. but not permanently. not forever.

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sexually explicit - hotel room lover [14 Jul 2006|11:50am]
[ mood | horny ]

laying next you, our lips locked into one another, i quickly tell you to lock the door. i come up behind you and press you against the wall, pushing myself against you and kissing you passionately. it feels like forever since i've felt your touch. still soft, still burning with desire for me. i lay you down on the bed and crawl between your legs removing articles of clothing as i scale your body. the sunlight of the afternoon lights up the room beautifully and i can see every inch of you perfectly. you tell me to make love to you and willingly, i obey. we make love until we are completely breathless. i lay next to you and you wrap your arm across my chest. we know we don't have much time before we have to get dressed and part for the day. laying there next to you, your skin kissed with sweat and the look in your eye, i kiss your lips. a knock on the door sends us scrambling for our clothes. we kiss, we say goodbye and dream of another time.

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boise, idaho and a dream [14 Jul 2006|08:49am]
[ mood | content ]

last night's show in salt lake was amazing. i never realized how wonderful it is to be part of something so special. when i was away i felt like i was missing a part of the magic. a special, important part of my life. i realize now that this is something i could contine to for many years to come. whether or not that will happen, that's up to the future. right now, i am enjoying this opportunity that has been given to me. i'm living a dream.

tonight i'm on a flight to california to do my pixar gig. wish me luck. this may or may not be the start of a new and interesting career. but like touring, it's an opportunity that is being presented to me and i will run with it until it's time to make a decision. i have a meeting tomorrow with the blue suits in the morning to discuss a contract and the possibilities of my future employment with their company.

i think, regardless of the offer, i will stay on tour, do the sin city projects and go back to new york and open my tattoo shop. a career sounds nice... but my heart will forever be in tattooing. money isn't everything, it's happiness and satisfaction that i am after.

but who knows what may happen, it's too early to tell yet.

i ran into a guy, a former friend, from california when i used to live there. he recognized me instantly, jumped on my back and was ecstatic to say hello. greg, is his name but he prefers to go by reggie, i never knew why... never bothered to ask. he's about 5'6, mohawk, tattoos galore, i would've never recognized him from the grungy, punk kid i knew years ago. i met him at a punk rock show and almost broke his nose, an accident of course, he laughed it off and we've run into each other every so often ever since. we caught up briefly, gave me his number and told me to call him next time i'm in the slc.

it amazes me how beautiful this world can be in all of it's differences. to think about new york and chicago and then sit looking out the window at the landscape of idaho, all completely different atmospheres, all equally beautiful in their own way. it's calming to know that there is something so different out there in the world. that we can have a change of scenery and still be hipnotized by the beauty of what this world offers. it's simple, never to be touched by a growing population and a need for the continuous growth of buildings. the untouched earth that gives us life and allows us to continue to live. to see it in it's purity is an amazing and breathtaking thing.

this world offers us so much. beauty for the eyes, the heart, the mind. it's stimulating and freeing.

beauty is everywhere, in everything. we just need to feel it with our hearts and then see it with our eyes.

i slept for a little bit and doing that time i dreampt of a car ride through the forest. i wasn't driving, i don't know who was, i couldn't make out any features. small drops of rain that formed on my window and through the watermarks i kept my eyes on the landscape as we passed by. the colors of the trees blurred together as my company pressed harder on the gas pedal. soon the trees would become painting. i stood in front of it in a white gallery. a sculpture to my right of a man, in the nude, sitting on bench with a sheet draped across his torso and a painting of a woman with yellow eyes accented by beautiful colors behind her hanging on the wall to my left. there was a soft voice in the background, vaguely familiar. a voice i've only heard briefly, an accent i've never heard in person before but when i turned around, the room slowly faded into colors, there was no one there, no more paintings on the wall.. i was alone. and then i awoke on a subway train, 5th avenue stop and the bustle of people exited and entered the train. across from me was a man, a man who was familiar, a long beard, a black hat, a suit. he reminded me a grandfather figure. he looked at me with his hazel eyes and i felt a world of sadness. i finally understood a little more about my father and the way he grew up. i don't know how, just by the look of his eyes but i knew. the subway train stopped and i stepped off, went up the stairs and the busy streets of manhattan turned into a moonlite beach. i stopped, sat down and glanced over the water and stared at the moon. it was then that i longed for the touch of a companion. i felt at peace but i was alone and i didn't want to be alone anymore. i feel asleep on that beach and awoke on the balcony of someone's apartment. i stood up and looked out across the scenery of the city mixed with the country and i felt calm. i remember a smile coming across my face as i felt someone's arms wrap around me... when i turned around.. they were gone. the dream ended with me sitting on my couch, in my brooklyn apartment with jack, watching a movie. i feel asleep in the dream and finally woke up in reality.

i haven't had a dream like that in some time. i'm relieved that i still can.

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a ghost from the past [11 Jul 2006|06:57am]
[ mood | content ]

last night i decided to go for a walk around the city. to relish in my thoughts and enjoy the city lights. i found myself in a familiar area, same smell, same atmosphere. i stopped in front of an old cafe', i used to sit in a blue chair towards the back for hours after school and sketch. i looked in for a moment, usual crowd and proceeded to walk down the street. i heard heels clicking away at the pavement behind me and felt the gentle touch of a hand tug at my arm. i stopped, turned around and there she was, like a ghost from the past, denise walsh. she wrapped her arms around my neck, kissed my cheek and asked questions so fast i thought i was participating in the lightening round on some game show. she had the same beautiful blue eyes, the same height, accented by the three inch heels i heard clicking on the pavement. she was older now and breathtaking. her hair was different, a darker brown then i rememeber and longer. she was beautiful, even more so than in highschool but i thought she was beautiful then. she stopped talking and hugged me again, knocking the breath from my lungs. asked me to join her in the cafe' and i gladly accepted her invitation. we sat towards the back, i took comfort in a familiar chair and she sat indian style in the one next to me. we talked, for hours, about our lives and our goals. she stayed in chicago, studied musical theatre at columbia and is now a performer with her name in the bright lights of chicago's theatre productions. she asked about me and i told her about new york and pratt, tattooing, art, the tour, the films, my life.

the conversation was wonderful. it is nice, sometimes, to see a familiar face; one i adored in highschool. she put her hand on my knee and told me that she had a confession to make... unfortunately we were interrupted by a loud, drunk voice; a man who grabbed denise by the arm and dragged her outside; her boyfriend. i managed to pull her away from him, we had words, he took a swung, i took a swung and he hit the ground. the cops came, we retold our story. he was placed in the back of the police car and denise and i were free to call it a night. i walked her home as tears streamed down her face. she apologized for my being witness to that and i sat her on a park bench and told her that no one deserves to be treated that way, no one. i told her she has a great life and a lot to be proud of. that she doesn't need someone who is absolute trash.

after my lecture, sitting on that park bench, i just couldn't understand why such a successful, beautiful woman would fall for such an animal. then she told me what she wanted to say in the cafe' before we were interrupted. she old me that, in highschool, she had a crush on me. that she ever since then has been looking for a guy like me. and one day she gave up and found this creep. and in seeing me tonight, gave her hope that there were men out there who would treat a woman right, with respect. call them beautiful instead of sexy. i told her that she needs to follow her list of wants and desires and if some guy she's remotely interested in doesn't have all those qualities then he's not mr. right. don't settle, find the one person in this world who is perfect for you.

then she asked.. 'do you ever think you've found them but know you cannot have them?' and i replied with a 'yes.' but i pointed out the word "think" and assured her that she will automatically know.

i walked her to her door, she wrapped her arms around me once more; i kissed her cheek, wiped her tears and bid her adieu.

a ghost from the past, a bruise from reality and a new outlook on a positive future. i wish her the best in life and here's to hope that she makes the right decision.

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"today is not a day of mourning but a day of celebration..." [09 Jul 2006|04:51pm]
[ mood | sad ]

"a day to celebrate the life of catherine daniels, a beloved daughter, sister, mother and friend."

i just returned from cathy's funeral. i'm tired. drained and a little sun kissed. seeing her family, reed's family, the hugs the kisses, the thank yous, i don't see what they see. i carried her casket with the men of her family, me, a boy who was merely a friend of her sons way back when. everyone knew who i was the minute i walked into the viewing. the looks, the tears, i was embraced like one of the family. they all knew my name. they all watched as i approached her casket, said my italian prayer, crossed my chest and kissed her forehead. i placed a picture of her son and i on the hill the night he died in her hand. she had asked me to in a dream i had. i kissed her hand and stepped back. i felt an arm wrap around my waist, it was reed's cousin jeff, he put his head against my arm (he stands at 5'5) which barely touches my chest. i faced him, he wrapped his short arms around my waist. i haven't seen him since reed's funeral. i bent down, kissed his forehead and walked to great his mother, reed's aunt, jackie. who proceeded to put a smile on my face by telling me i didn't have to get all dressed up. the girls of a family friend giggled and turned red as jackie fixed my tie and tugged on my tux. like a mother, i was waiting for her to wipe the sweat off my face with a tissue damped by her saliva.

the eulogy was beautiful. a friend of her's sang "on the wings of a dove" and once concluded, they closed the casket and we carried her off to be placed into the herse.

walking along side the men of her family, i felt at peace with carrying her to resting place.

up the short hill, we placed her on the levy. the family gathered around, we concluded the ceremony. i kissed the casket as family and friends layed flowers. i told her, which i realized i had said out loud when it was too late, "cathy, be welcomed into the arms of your son, in paradise, greet him with a smile and a kiss from me. you will forever be in my heart beautiful, forever. my second mother, my angel, rest well." with an eruption of tears behind me, i realized that even though death is welcomed by those who tango with it, the grief of those left behind feel is far worse then anything in the world. it will take time to come to terms with why things happen the way the do but we should never question god's will. he needed her and it was her time to say goodbye to this world and be with her son.

we must never forget that even though we stand beside a casket and watch it enter the ground, the body of the loved one was lost resting comfortable inside, the spirit, the person they were does not lay with them. they are free to fly above and around us. wearing a smile of hope and leaving a forever impression on our lives.

to live and let live.
to die and let be free.

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untitled [07 Jul 2006|04:55pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

i want to feel the tender touch of your lips on my skin.

the soft caress of your fingertips.

your heartbeat against mine.

i want to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead.

whisper in your ear.

laugh with you between the dark blue sheets that cover my bed.

and make love to you.

i want to bask in the light of the moon, the shadows accenting the curve of your body.

let us watch the sunrise, naked, from the rooftop of my apartment building.

i want to live in this moment forever with you.

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