Rocket Girl

11:04pm: One Last Day Dream
Before you send me back to reality
Let me have just one last day dream
That's all I ask for
Just once again
And never more
Into a place where I can be truly free
In the depths of my mind
An ocean of feeble words
Washing away footprints
Left in the sand
Next to imprints of useless words
That make no sense
Have no rhythm, nor rhyme.
There's a field of strawberries
Over yonder
Waiting for me
An endless supply
Waiting for me to enjoy their luscious purpose
My hand reaches out to pick one
But the day dream vanishes
And I'm in a black box
With a tiny window
Thousands of critical eyeballs staring
While voices scream deadly whispers
And they write in a language I can't understand
And they do it on purpose
So I won't understand what they're saying about me
Until I pull out the pistol
And bring out the matches
ANd then they suddenly realize that I'm really there
And how come no one backs me up?
They all open their mouths
And smile as they pour false promises out
Into the cup of water
Handed to me
Every time I have to take the pill
In order to make it easier to swallow
And they're the food I eat
So I won't get nauseous
But I don't eat
So yeah.
But still
Where have they gone?
They had promised me lies of staying by my side forever
And I fell for it
Being the innocent contradiction of perfection that I am
But they are ruining me
Tearing me down
From the inside out
They want me to be the way they want themselves to be
But I'm not who they saw themselves as
I have to be this way
And when I tiptoe out of the box
It's so terribly wrong
Because I'm the peephole from the other side
They get a good view of me
While I can barely get a grasp on them
But their vision is impared
So they can't see the real me
Despite all their pitiful attempts to infiltrate my skull
It'll never work!
It's a war better left unfought
Because you'll never keep me in the box
When I yearn to join the free ones
On the other side
Where the grass is greener
But sunlight is sparse
Before you send me back to reality
Let me have just one last day dream

10:45pm: "And I For One Am Mad As Hell!"
Ok. So, you want to hear about my day? No? Oh well. You will anyways.

Ok, so I got to school early, right? Right. Ok, so, it was nice and warm outside so I sat outside and read from A Seperate Peace. It was great. Then I went to the Library and wrote a heartfelt blurty comment to Bianka's blurty.

First period was ok. We took and easy easy test. Then...nothing happened.

Then homeroom was blah.

Lit. was ok. We took the comma quiz, and once again I was the first one done. I hope that doesn't mean anything bad.....Then we assigned parts for Romeo and Juliette. I really want to be Juliette, but shhh! Don't tell anyone. I just want a big part. : ) I really REALLY want to be Juliette. I mean, like more than anything!! Plehness.

Then lunch was ok. I got kicked really hard, and I cried. Oh well.

Then Band was lame. All we did was listen to Mr Esserwien go on about band. Blah.

OMG I was going to skip fifth period. But stupid Mrs. Witherspoon. Errg.

Oh well, I'll skip tomorrow.

Sixth period would have been awesome if it weren't for Ylaine being such a control freak and acting like she knew everything. Geez. I mean, I try to be nice, but sometimes, geez! I mean, c'mon! There's a point where you need to draw the line, Ylaine. My god!

I like, payed no attention at all in Geometry. I wrote some in my journal and stuff.

Cultural Diversity club was awesome. : )

Then I waited out in the rain for my uncle for like, 30 minutes. It was great. Really.

Aww! I want to see "Love Actually"!! It looks so cute!! : ) Too bad its rated R.

Its fucking hot in this room. Damnit.

Sorry for Existing,
Jessica

6:06pm: Hello all. I mean, everyone who doesn't read this. And that would be??everyone. : )

My uncle died last night in Costa Rica. It's sad, because I barely got to know him. He was the oldest child of my grandparents. Tio Eduardo. I never got to know him well.

Blah. I'm bored. However, I'd rather be home alone than at school surrounded by people who hate me.

I'm not allowed to get on the phone or on the internet because we have to keep the phone lines open in case we get any news from Costa Rica or Tio Julio has to call Costa Rica or whatnot.

Lately, I've been drawing a lot of anime pictures. They don't look that great, but they're professional compared to Adrian's pictures. Oh my god, they're terrible!! Mine so far suck pretty badly, and I don't think I want to show anyone. I might show Bianka, even though they seriously suck.

Btw, three great songs with great videos: Numb - Linkin Park, I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace, The Hardest Button to Button - The White Stripes.

I feel like I can relate to the girl in the vid. for Numb. Except, that's she's pretty, and I'm not. *sigh* She's also talented, and I'm not. Goddamnit.

I hate everything about you! Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me! Why do you love me?

I had a terrible dream the other night. I dreamed that I was on a roller coaster, and I fell out. Fortunately, I grabbed onto the rail thingey, and you know how they have those step thingeys at the sides? Yeah, well, I started to walk up them, when I tripped and fell down the stairs all the way to where the roller coaster made a violent lurch. That's where the stairs ended. A roller coaster was heading my way and I didn't know what to do. I was stranded in the middle of the thingey where the rollar coaster goes. Well, the roller coaster thingey had some bars around the edge so just in case if the roller coaster veered off course, it wouldn't fall off. Well, I climbed over the other side of the bars while the roller coaster whooshed by. Then I looked down and realized that I was extremely high off the ground. I looked back up at the roller coaster and saw that the stairs had vanished. I screamed for help, but no one came. No one was there. I tried to yell at the people who were on the roller coaster, but no one heard me. They all had blank faces and looked straight ahead, not hearing any of my screams. The people on the ground didn't hear me. I didn't recognize any of them, and the didn't bother to look up at the sky. They were all moving so fast, and looking at the ground. And they all looked the same. My hands were slipping and sweaty. The wind from the rapid passing of another car thingey caused me to fall back. Everything went black as I fell backwards. Then, the dream ended. Weird dream, neh?

Anywho.

Alright. I'm done.

Sorry for existing,

Jessica.

11:19pm: You! With the face!
You! With the face! You suck!

Yeah, Emily does not know what the word depressed really means.

My father needed help on getting to msn.com again.

I feel like shit now.

I just talked to you-know-who online. It wasn't that great. He doesn't like me, I know it. I just know it. And I was about to ask him out, too. GODDAMNIT. I absolutely hate myself.

But, i mean, who wants to hear another rant about how much Jessica sucks? I mean, if you're readin this, that means you care about me, and anyone who cares about me would have heard all my rants about how much i fucking suck.

meow.

bite me, i'm suicidal. i want a bumper sticker that says that. then maybe people would fuck off and learn that if i don't like you, fuck off asshole, because you don't help.

He doesn't like me.......he doesn't like me.....he doesn't like me.........he doesn't like me........he doesn't like me...........he doesn't like me..........he doesn't like me........he doesn't like me.........i mean, not even as a friend..........he doesn't like me...........

Eh, fuck you, what do you care? I'm sick of spilling my feelings to no one. I want thigns to be better. But then again, I don't want them to be better. Please, save me....

I want my CD back. Now.

10:38am: HEAR YE HEAR YE! GOTHIC HOOKERS GET MORE CANDY!!
Goddamnit.

I haven't updated in a long time, so I'll talk about what's been going on in my life since October 27th.

I do NOT like Ben anymore. I've moved onto someone else. Not like I have a chance with him either anyways......

Eric tried to commit suicide. If he tries again, I'll kill him. I don't know whether or not to go out with him again.

Halloween was wonderful! I loved it so much. I went with Candace, Liz, Bianka, and Merrick. Candace was a Steak and Shake waitress, Liz was a witch, Bianka was Squall, I was supposed to be a witch, but when i took off the hat, I looked liked a gothic hooker. Ironically, I got the most candy. I also got a neon orange USED razor. Merrick by far had the best costume. She went as Roy, from Sigfried amd Roy. She had a tiger puppet which was stained with blood and her neck had blood on it too. SHe even had an act, too, and she did it in front of Katie Kinsey's house. Then we met our nine yr old pimp, Shawn, and he was awesome!!!! We got to hang out with him for a little bit, but then his stupid sister made him go the other way!!! *tear* Halloween was great. By far the best Halloween I've ever had.

Geometry is going better for me. I had a study session with Mr. Grant, and we got to understand each other much better, and we actually get along now. He's aewsome. I wish Bianka was in my Geometry class.

Last night I talked to Tommy on the phone. I no longer hate Tommy! Tommy's awesome! : )

I'm trying to go goth. That would be wonderful. Unfortunately, we're kind of poor right now, and my mother expects me to be a prep. damnit, I want to pierce my tongue, wear dark makeup and black clothes, be a rebel, etc and whatnot. Unfortunately, MY GODDAMN MOTHER HAD TO BE THE WAY SHE FUCKING IS. WHEN I GET A JOB AND GET MY OWN FUCKING MONEY, SHE'LL SEE WHAT I WANT. I DON'T WANT THE UGLY CLOTHES YOU BUY ME, BITCH!!!!

*ahem* Anyways, I took a good look in the mirror today. I saw someone hideous and unnatractive. I hate the way I look so much. I would do anything to be pretty.

I just want to find my soulmate....I just want to be loved, and love back freely, without any doubts.

I just want to be free.....

Why can't someone free me?

Why can't I be who I really am?

Why can't I be understood?

Why must I be the way I am?

Why can't I find my soulmate?

Why can't I be free......

*tear*

I don't want to take these stupid pills. I hate them so goddamn much. I want to tear open my heart, but all I can do is smile. This artificial happiness is tearing me up inside and I can't escape it. Every morning, my mother shoves the small blue dosage down my scarred throat and while I choke on false security, she smiles and gives me a meaningless hug. Tears well in her eyes while I turn my head and hurt myself. The world's voices whisper in my ear but they never scream, trying to save me, but why can't the world just give up? It's useless, I'm hopeless and lonely. I'm a lost soul living in an organized world, mind shattering and numb, cold and lonesome if you don't run with the pulse. I want to be different, but i want to fit in. How can that be? I just want to have a large froup of people who I can relate with. I have the best friend anyone can ever ask for, but she's everything I'm not and want to be. It's hard to be best friends with perfection. What scares me the most is that Perfection can love me, Rejection. I'm everything I'm not, and not anything I am. And it slices through my fragile soul. The screams of anguish mean nothing to anybody, but in reality, they realyl do. But my inner eyes can't see what they really mean to me, and I to them. Tears are all dried our, and it kills me to want to break into tears, and only feel ghosts of the salty moisture down my arid cheeks. Ink stains and hazardous chemicals penetrate my skin and kill off my brain cells, and its sad that I don't care in the slightest. Angst is all that spills out my mouth, as if it were blood yearning to taste the fresh air, thats not really fresh at all. Tear stained notebooks, flipping through pages of thousands of useless unread words that no ears care to hear. And if they do hear, it sails right through to the other side. I mean, how many people are going to read this? One, two? Me and my invisible friend George? Goddamnit, I suck.

8:57pm: Watch It Away As You Cry.......
Its so depressing! My Blue Notebook is out of paper! I have to use a Black Notebook now. Its just.....not the same..........*tear*

I hate myself. I'm thinking of cutting myself sometime soon. I don't know. I heard that it feel really good....but I'm not sure.....Anyone had any experience and care to share with me? I want to know how it works.....o.o;;

Speaking of insecurities, I'm not sure if I should skip fifth period. I don't want to get in trouble for skipping. And how would I get a note? What would the penalty be? Hmm....

I'm so mad at my mother. She won't let me get my tongue pierced! That's all I want! It would be great! Tongue piercings are awesome!! Its just not fair.....I WANT MY FUCKING TONGUE PIERCED!!!

I'm starting to not like Ben anymore. I hope so.....I hate liking someone I can't have......

My mother had a crying fit because I wrote on myself in Japanese with a Sharpie. Then I put a fake tattoo on and she burst into tears. It was hysterical.

Well, I'm out. Cya.

10:44am: Rocket Girl is a LOOSAH
I is LOOSAH.

Taylor said that I'm his friend. Asshole.

I hate Bryce. It makes me happy to see that he's in this pain, but then it pains me at the same time. It makes me jealous. I want to be the one he falls in love with, the one to make him forget about Aimee. But I can't. I think he blocked me on MSN.

Jason's new video made Flavas of the Week. Ain't it great?! I jsut hate it how his video keeps dropping and dropping on the fucking countdown. DAMNIT.

Anyhow, I'm really cold.

Mommy said that Bianka and I could go bowling on Sunday. Awesome, is it not?!

Eric and I had a very important conversation last night. He really really wants another chance, and I have no idea what to do! I don't know if I should give him another chance. I mean, he might hurt me again, and I seriously don't want that. And I kinda like being single, but I really miss the love. I really do.

And then there's Ben....WHat can I say about Ben. Yesterday, I was trying to ask him again about my CD. I tapped him and he turned to look at me and he went "whaaaaat?!?!?!"....I felt really bad. Then we flirted some in Band. I feel really bad about it too. *sigh*

I feel so guilty about everything. Its all my fault. I lead a terrible terrible life. No wonder everyone hates me.....like Travis and Shane.

I learned that Shawn used to not like me when I had a crush on him...I feel really bad about it.

I learned that Eric continuously lies to me even when he promises to never lie to me ever again.

I learned that he thinks that Sammi and Estella are both prettier than me.

I learned that I'm in his league, however, Bianka is not. Bianka is way out of his league.

I learned that the thought of me and Andrew flirting sickens him.

*sigh*

I'm the worst person ever, goddamnit.

Well, anyways, I'm out. Its not like anyone ever reads this anyways.

Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: Neither, because bicycles don't have sleeves.

Love Always,

Rocket Girl

10:45pm: today went surprisingly ok...
I wrote tons in NB. : )

I'm doing my homework right now. I have yet to do that Biomes project.

My modem is moving incredibly slow....its so annoying.

Holy shit. I have ten new emails, half of which are from sites that i quit from months ago....geez.

I have much homework in Biology. Not much in Lit. None in Spanish. Bunch in Anthropology. Some in Geometry.

I'm thinking of skipping Spanish Friday. Do you think I should? I really dont know....

*sigh* ben.....you complicate my life so terribly much and you have no clue......

*sigh* I wanna be in a band. But I can't play anything. Its not fair. I'm not talented at all! I suck......

Damnit. Got disconnected. We seriously need DSL. I mean, seriously.

I am starting to feel something for two people. One, pleh. I've already felt it, and it was nothing big. The other, there's nothing I can do about it, and I know for a fact that he doesn't like me back. Besides, he's like my best friend. AND AND AND I met him online. Remember what happened with the last online relationship ---> http://www.blurty.com/users/krakler/ I decided to keep this guy as unknown as possible, unlike Hugo and Oscar and stuff, and well, pleh.

I still like Ben tho. Which is prolly really stupid of me.

OO OO OO OO.......Ben told me today that he broke up with Katie. I think i may have asked too many questions about it though. Which is a bad thing. But he hugged me today! Isn't that great?!

Ai ahm looooooosah!!!

I'm out. Cya.

10:31pm: One Last Day Dream.....
Wow. Anti-depressants rock, man.

I'm having whats got to be one of the best IMs oscar and I have ever had. Memories, man. Those were the good days.

I miss those days. So much. I would sell my soul to Satan himself to have those days back. The only bad thing is that I wouldn't be friends with Bianka..... : (

Today I went to Dr. Patel. If you care for details, please ask. Which no one will......

I went to the orthodontist. Great. More pain, how fun! : ) At least I got that wire fixed....

I hate myself. I hate that I can't be in a pissy mood. I hate anti-depressants. Damnit. I'm happy and I can't do anything about it!!!!

I have the hugest headache.

I got the All American Rejects CD. Its awesome. : )

I wish I did my homework. I wish I could have talked to Dr. Patel in private. I wish life didn't suck for me. I wish I could stop smiling.

: )

I have a new sn, ppl, btw. Its OneLastDayDream.

Check out my profile, yo. Its bling. I'm thinking of keeping taht system of doing things for a little while, until its run its course. I think its cool. : )

: )

Well, I gotta go and have happy dreams full of happy things!

Love and Happiness for everyone!

Jessica

9:28pm: Blah.....of DOOM!
Bianka spending the night was great. I just feel really bad, because the timing was awful, and she's prolly never EVER gonna spend the night ever again and it makes me so mad! errg....I should have been more considerate....its all my fault.....DAMNIT

*sigh*

Baby-sitting with mom. Great. Fun. Blah. I'mm supposed to be doing my homework right now, but shut up. I've been ranting a lot lately. See: emails I've sent today.

I must call Eric soon! I need to know what he meant by saying: "Rumor has it that you have a chance." when he was talking about Ben. Its prolly just lies. He's a chronic liar. *sigh*

I want to talk to ppl! But nooo....jeebers.

I suck.

Today was great. Besides the fact that mom was being all bleh, but she had a good reason. I went to the mall with Nikki and Tristin. That was great. : ) I was a little shy, but once I opened up, I couldn't shut up. Nikki made me sing, I was so embarrased. How come all my friends are talented but not me?! What am I good at?! NOTHING. GEEZ. But I'll rant about that later. I had much fun. I want to take Nikki to Swayze's. I'm grounded next weekend, so I can't do jack shit, but the weekend after that. : ) She's gonna take me to HomeComing at Cherokee High! I can't wait! Its Nov. 1st....since mine was crappy, and no one bothered to invite me on time at Campbell, this will be my REAL HomeComing! I really will be coming home! *sigh* I miss those good old days....I live too much in the past....I mean, jeebers....

NOW: My rant about how I'm not talented:

Let's see. I'm not good at anything. ANYTHING! I'm not smart, I'm not pretty. I can't dance, I can't sing. I'm lazy, and unnatractive. I'm not good at sports, and I can't play any instruments. (Well, I can play the sax, but its nothing to brag about. Well, I can brag about being better that Ricky, but a flute player who's never touched a sax is better than Ricky....). I mean, Nikki can sing, Yari and Oscar can dance, Hugo can write, Bianka has tons and tons of talents, Amy, Han, and Keru are smart, etc. Just name someone and I can tell you what they're good at. I'm not good at anything! At all! I have no self-esteem, because I can't do jack shit! I can't get anywhere in life by my looks....and I'm not smart, I'm lazy....I'm spoiled.....etc. The only thing I can safely say I'm ok at, is acting, but taht won't get me far. You know how it is....*sigh* They say everyone has their own special talent....but I don't have one. I'm just.....amorphous. Someone, plz, help mold me and give me a shape.....help me BE somebody.....not just..blah. *sigh* I feel......like I fit in, but I don't fit in. I cant explain it, but its....BLAH.

You suck. But only cuz I suck. Help me un-suck, and you'll stop sucking too..........O.o;;

I wanna join Nikki's blues band, when she gets on. I can.....play the sax. And she says I've got a pretty voice, when she made me sing to Norah Jones......: ) Self-esteem booster. Its like drugs, I tell ya!

Personal Note: Become obsessed with: Antonio Banderas, John Mayer, Howie Day, Damien Rice, Gavin DeGraw......just for the heck of it.......but test the waters, hun, before jumping in. You may not LIKE some of these ppl. And learn more about the ppl who's playing with Jason at his concert......: )

mucho amor con besos y abrazos,

Blah......of DOOM!

5:53pm: You suck.
Yeah, so I havent updated lately. So kill me now, it would do the world a great deed.

You suck.

Yeah, bunch of little Ben-isms.

Yeah.

He knows I like him.

Goddamnit.

And Eric doesn't do what I ask him to do. It's pissing me off........

Bianka: What would I do without you?

Amy: Please please please please! I beg of you! Leave Campbell!

Everyone else: You suck.

I'm an idiot. I'm not 'in love' with Ben, nor do I love him. I've just got a crush on him. Yeah. I mean, eventually, I'll get over him, of course. Like I did with Shawn. Right? Besides, my chances with him are very slim to none. I mean, he's got a girlfriend, not to mention there's Simone.....

Speaking of Simone, it was the oddest thing today. This morning, I found a lock, and decided to wear it on a chain for a necklace. In Band, I see that Simone had the same idea! I'm like 'wtf?!' So yeah.

You suck.

Oh yeah! I'm watching Arthur! It used to be mah favorite show in elementary school.

: )

You suck.

I made a new buddy profile for AIM. I had to shorten it as much as possible, too many lyrics....

Blah blah blah blah......

Have you noticed that some people act a certain way online, but different in person? Am I like that? I wonder....

8:34pm: The Good News, The Bad News, and Everything In Between
My weekend is a roller caoster.

I already posted what happened yesterday, so read that if you care.

Today was awesome!

I cleaned my room! It took quite an effort, too. : )

I had some weird dreams last night, but I do know waht Jason's enxt CD will be like. I have premonitions. ; )

Bianka came over. We went to the mall. It was great. I bought some more arm socks, and learned that you can actually wear them as socks. : )

No, my brother isn't half-Chinese..... ^.~

Yeah, I can't hear clearly worth shit. I can hear, ppl just say odd things.....

I also bought some cool bracelet thingeys that look awesome.

Smoothie! : )

Bianka then had to go home, which was really crappy.

So I got online.

Eric IMs me, asking me for forgiveness. I dont know what to do. Once the convo is over, I'll post it up for the world to see. If they care. : P

Apparenly more ppl read my blurty than I thought. If you do, plz dont tell the person I like that I like him, plz plz plz. If you do, I'll hate you forever.

DeathskytheDuo: please talk to me...
seamonkeyswrath: i will
seamonkeyswrath: i thought you hated me
DeathskytheDuo: I never said that.
seamonkeyswrath: you sure as hell acted like it
DeathskytheDuo: I know.
seamonkeyswrath: you called me names
seamonkeyswrath: i didnt appreciate that
DeathskytheDuo: And Im really sorry......
seamonkeyswrath: apology accepted
seamonkeyswrath: but you really hurt me
DeathskytheDuo: I know...
DeathskytheDuo: I was really stupid.
DeathskytheDuo: Good luck with ben btw.
seamonkeyswrath: What are you talking about??
DeathskytheDuo: xD your blurty
seamonkeyswrath: damnit
seamonkeyswrath: i shouldnt have put the website....
seamonkeyswrath: i'm an idiot
seamonkeyswrath: please dont tell anyone
DeathskytheDuo: no your not.
seamonkeyswrath: please
seamonkeyswrath: like the thing with shawn
DeathskytheDuo: you just thought no one could read spanish
DeathskytheDuo: and ben already knows.
seamonkeyswrath: what?!?!?
seamonkeyswrath: how?!
DeathskytheDuo: hes figured it for a long time.
seamonkeyswrath: how do you know.
DeathskytheDuo: A little burdie told me.
DeathskytheDuo: birdie*
seamonkeyswrath: this little being whom?
seamonkeyswrath: ben himself?
DeathskytheDuo: perhaps.
DeathskytheDuo: perhaps not.
seamonkeyswrath: now i feel like shit
seamonkeyswrath: why does this always happen to me
seamonkeyswrath: god i'm an idiot
seamonkeyswrath: what a way to ruin my day
DeathskytheDuo: See. Im the idiot. I shouldnt have said anything.
seamonkeyswrath: no, its not ur fault
seamonkeyswrath: its better that i know
seamonkeyswrath: now i know that i have to avoid ben as much as possible, jsut like shawn
DeathskytheDuo: Simone lieks him too.
seamonkeyswrath: Simone is really obvious about it.
DeathskytheDuo: and so does a bunch of other people.
seamonkeyswrath: I try not to be.
DeathskytheDuo: xD
seamonkeyswrath: I know.
seamonkeyswrath: I'm such an idiot.
seamonkeyswrath: I hate myself right now.
DeathskytheDuo: he likes some other chick. dunno her name.
DeathskytheDuo: Dont hate yourself! Thats my job!
seamonkeyswrath: he's goign out with Katie something or other from Simpson
DeathskytheDuo: yeah thats it.
seamonkeyswrath: hmm
DeathskytheDuo: Im gonna post that one blurty post on a website somewhere.
DeathskytheDuo: xD
seamonkeyswrath: why?
seamonkeyswrath: Why?!
seamonkeyswrath: WHY?!
DeathskytheDuo: the one where you royally diss me in all my glory.
seamonkeyswrath: ...
DeathskytheDuo: it was great.
seamonkeyswrath: .....Please don't take this the wrong way again, but i think you deserved it.
DeathskytheDuo: I did.
DeathskytheDuo: Really.
DeathskytheDuo: Thats why I said I was going to post it.
DeathskytheDuo: basically to show myself how I get on bad weeks.
seamonkeyswrath: ....
DeathskytheDuo: omg I was at my friends house and on his parents bottle of champagne ist said, "Remove label before microwaving"
seamonkeyswrath: : / odd
DeathskytheDuo: and his vacuum said," dont pick up anything flammable or currently on fire"
seamonkeyswrath: which friend was this
DeathskytheDuo: You dont know him.
DeathskytheDuo: He goes to Pope.
seamonkeyswrath: hmm
DeathskytheDuo: his named matthew.....
DeathskytheDuo: i cant spell his last name
seamonkeyswrath: nice
DeathskytheDuo: Hes like afghani or something.
seamonkeyswrath: cool
DeathskytheDuo: Im gonna go. talk when you dont have other things (ben) on your mind.
seamonkeyswrath: I don't have Ben on my mind, thank you very much.
DeathskytheDuo: uh huh. sure. =P
seamonkeyswrath: seriously
seamonkeyswrath: I don't
seamonkeyswrath: I don't fawn over him or obsess. I'm not that kind of girl.
DeathskytheDuo: youve got something on your mind...
seamonkeyswrath: Yes, I do.
DeathskytheDuo: I know I know. I was kidding.
seamonkeyswrath: : |
DeathskytheDuo: Mind telling me what it is, or is it privite?
DeathskytheDuo: private*
seamonkeyswrath: Its not private. I was just wishing I could have relived this weekend, cuz it was great.
DeathskytheDuo: private it is then.
DeathskytheDuo: =X
DeathskytheDuo: awesome.
seamonkeyswrath: ...
seamonkeyswrath: O_o.
DeathskytheDuo: mine sucked. x.x;;
seamonkeyswrath: why?
DeathskytheDuo: why do you want to know? .................... you dont care about me.
seamonkeyswrath: Only because you don't care about me.
seamonkeyswrath: Like I said, wahts the point in liking someone when they so obviously don't like you back.
seamonkeyswrath: You may not have said it, but actions speak louder than words.
DeathskytheDuo: i do to.
seamonkeyswrath: then why didnt you act like it
seamonkeyswrath: are you not going to answer me?
DeathskytheDuo: I was still confused
seamonkeyswrath: eric, just because you're confused, doesn't mean you have to act like an idiot towards the ones you loved. it'll land you in situations like this. i dont know if i wnt ot be your friend anymore. you continually hurt me, i continually forgive you, and then you do it all over again. i really tried, but you're taking advantage of me.
DeathskytheDuo: ....okay.
seamonkeyswrath: do you understand where i'm coming from?
DeathskytheDuo: I cant promise Ill be perfect forever so...
seamonkeyswrath: not forever
seamonkeyswrath: you can get mad at me
DeathskytheDuo: bye.
seamonkeyswrath: if you have a good reason
seamonkeyswrath: i do want to be ur friend
seamonkeyswrath: i just dont want to get hurt
DeathskytheDuo: Id already made the descision not to do it again.
seamonkeyswrath: good
seamonkeyswrath: so we can still be friends?
DeathskytheDuo: And if I did, to basically hurl myself off a cliff
seamonkeyswrath: .....don't think like that.
DeathskytheDuo: no. we cant. I might hurt you again on accident, and I dont want you to be hurt.
seamonkeyswrath: because i do want to be your friend
seamonkeyswrath: but i've had time to think this week, and time to heal.
DeathskytheDuo: you know I came to a descision last night, and I wasnt confused anymore.
seamonkeyswrath: what was ur decision
DeathskytheDuo: And Its really not working.
seamonkeyswrath: what was ur decision?
DeathskytheDuo: Read my comment on your *drool* ben blurty
seamonkeyswrath: I have.
DeathskytheDuo: that was my descision.
DeathskytheDuo: screw everyone else.
DeathskytheDuo: I love you.
DeathskytheDuo: But im such an idiot that I ryuined it for myself forever.
seamonkeyswrath: ....what can i say to that
seamonkeyswrath: congrats, you've rendered me speechless.
DeathskytheDuo: ...Im gonna go find that cliff now...
seamonkeyswrath: No.
DeathskytheDuo: There a good one in the woods off my house...
seamonkeyswrath: No.
DeathskytheDuo: ....why not?
seamonkeyswrath: Because.
seamonkeyswrath: I don't want you to die.
DeathskytheDuo: I wouldnt DIE
DeathskytheDuo: Just...
DeathskytheDuo: I dunno.
seamonkeyswrath: I don't want you to get hurt.
DeathskytheDuo: Its only like... 20 feet.
seamonkeyswrath: Yeah, 20 feet almost killed me.
DeathskytheDuo: but your was onto rock.
DeathskytheDuo: mines onto...... umm.... pointy rocks.
seamonkeyswrath: No.
seamonkeyswrath: I know you won't do it anyways.
DeathskytheDuo: xD I jumped off my roof.
seamonkeyswrath: I don't mean that much to you.
seamonkeyswrath: Why?
DeathskytheDuo: I felt guilty
seamonkeyswrath: ABout
seamonkeyswrath: ?
DeathskytheDuo: you.
seamonkeyswrath: what did i do?
DeathskytheDuo: It wasnt anything you did.
DeathskytheDuo: I just felt guilty about being a bastard to you.
seamonkeyswrath: Well, yuo should have felt guilty, but you shouldn't have jumped off your roof.
seamonkeyswrath: It was a stupid thing to do.
seamonkeyswrath: Did you get hurt?
DeathskytheDuo: I dont care.
DeathskytheDuo: sprained my arm.
DeathskytheDuo: Still hurts, but its not bad.
seamonkeyswrath: i didnt see you with any bandages or casts or anything.
seamonkeyswrath: you seemed perfectly fine all week long
DeathskytheDuo: sprains arent quite that bad.
seamonkeyswrath: besides the fact that you verbally and emotionally abused me
seamonkeyswrath: o.o;;
DeathskytheDuo: it just aches when I move it.
seamonkeyswrath: hmm
DeathskytheDuo: and I got like....
DeathskytheDuo: morphine.
seamonkeyswrath: i see
DeathskytheDuo: Ill do it again if you like.
DeathskytheDuo: This time break it for you.
seamonkeyswrath: No.
seamonkeyswrath: Don't.
DeathskytheDuo: so you can visually SEE the damage.
seamonkeyswrath: NO
seamonkeyswrath: NO NO NO
DeathskytheDuo: maybe..... Slice my arm open and pull out a bone.
DeathskytheDuo: I mean jeez.
DeathskytheDuo: just because you cant see it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt.
seamonkeyswrath: oh, well, excuse me for wanting to see to believe.
DeathskytheDuo: Ill let you punch it tommarrow, how bout that?
seamonkeyswrath: no
DeathskytheDuo: okay,
DeathskytheDuo: your loss.
seamonkeyswrath: ...
DeathskytheDuo: and so you know, I was actually going to apologize on friday, but alicia slapping me about 20 times made me think twice.
seamonkeyswrath: I told her not to.
seamonkeyswrath: She didnt listen to me.
DeathskytheDuo: she did anyway
seamonkeyswrath: You could have apologized earlier BEFORE she got to school, when I came up to you at your locker.
seamonkeyswrath: BUT you didn't.
DeathskytheDuo: Im sorry okay....
seamonkeyswrath: I want to forgive you, but my instinct is kicking in.
seamonkeyswrath: Its telling me that I shouldnt care.
seamonkeyswrath: but
DeathskytheDuo: and you shouldnt.
seamonkeyswrath: i do want to be ur friend again
seamonkeyswrath: but i do care
seamonkeyswrath: i jsut dont want to get hurt anymore
seamonkeyswrath: and i had a lot of time to heal
seamonkeyswrath: and a lot of help from friends
DeathskytheDuo: I told you. Im not going to hurt you again...
seamonkeyswrath: alright
seamonkeyswrath: i'll believe you
seamonkeyswrath: but if you hurt me again, without any good reason
seamonkeyswrath: then i dont think i can ever forgive you.
DeathskytheDuo: all of your friends telling you, "HES A BASTARD! KIL HIM!" xD
seamonkeyswrath: Not the kill part.
seamonkeyswrath: Just the bastard part.
DeathskytheDuo: ah.
DeathskytheDuo: okay
DeathskytheDuo: cool.
seamonkeyswrath: More like, "He's a jerk, forget about him."
DeathskytheDuo: which you did.
seamonkeyswrath: I admit, I was getting to the point where I didn't really need you in my life anymore.
DeathskytheDuo: and you dont.
seamonkeyswrath: I don't.
seamonkeyswrath: But I want you in my life.
DeathskytheDuo: Duno WHY....
DeathskytheDuo: All Ive ever really done is hurt you...
seamonkeyswrath: ......not everything you've done has hurt me.
seamonkeyswrath: many things, yes, but not everyhting.
DeathskytheDuo: basically everything...
seamonkeyswrath: ....a lot of things.
seamonkeyswrath: lets leave it at that
DeathskytheDuo: what did I do that didnt?
DeathskytheDuo: ...alright
seamonkeyswrath: ..
DeathskytheDuo: now i feel like a convict whos been given a second chance and is afraid to fuck it up.
DeathskytheDuo: o.o;;
seamonkeyswrath: well, i dont blame you
seamonkeyswrath: o.o
DeathskytheDuo: I guess Im gonna leave you to you daydreaming then....
DeathskytheDuo: I love you, even though Im a dumbass and never show it...
seamonkeyswrath: what daydreaming
DeathskytheDuo: Bye.
seamonkeyswrath: i'm not daydreaming
seamonkeyswrath: dont do anything stupid
seamonkeyswrath: *hug*
DeathskytheDuo: dont do anything stupid.
seamonkeyswrath: ?
DeathskytheDuo: thats impossible.
DeathskytheDuo: Everything I do messes up my life.
DeathskytheDuo: Think about it.
DeathskytheDuo: I had the most beautiful girl in the world. and what did I do?
DeathskytheDuo: Screw.
DeathskytheDuo: It.
DeathskytheDuo: Up.
seamonkeyswrath: ...
DeathskytheDuo: Then...
seamonkeyswrath: plz dont tell Ben that I like him
DeathskytheDuo: I have the chance to apologize to her, before I screw up even more...
DeathskytheDuo: and I screw THAT up too.
DeathskytheDuo: Worst of all, I spend almost ALL OF MY WEEKEND thinking about her.
DeathskytheDuo: Guess who that her is.
DeathskytheDuo: Just guess.
seamonkeyswrath: .....
DeathskytheDuo: *sigh*
DeathskytheDuo: Bye.
seamonkeyswrath: Bye.
DeathskytheDuo signed off at 8:21:54 PM.

Please, if you really care about me, please, show it to me sometime this week. Just once, that's all I ask for. And you don't have to do it ever again.

Sorry for existing,

Jessica

11:30pm: I'm not sick, but I'm not well, and I'm so hot, cause I'm in Hell.
Today is weird. And its not even over yet. Geez.

I woke up and watched Top 20 countdown. I'm so mad; Jason moved down from #1, to #5!!! Errg...stupid Fountains of Wayne.....

Went to the doctor's. He prescribed me some medicine for my 'depression'. And now, my mother hid them from me. *sigh*

Eye loff Atlanta Bread Company!!! They're chicken salad sandwhich is the bomb diggety!

Ok, raise your hand if you think Justice League is the mosnt stupidest show ever. *raises hand*

Ooo, Rurouni Kenshin is next! ^.^

Blah.

Then.........I went to Swayze's for the first time ever. It had its ups and downs. It could have been better if I wasn't so shy. I'm really shy around Carlita and Courtney, and less shy around Liz and Candace. OMEGA I was about to grab that guy's ass, but Courtney got in the way! Half those guys weren't that great, but the other half.....*drool* I just wish I wasn't so shy and quiet. *sigh* Mosh pits rock!

Too bad mommy picked me up so early. *sigh* She hates Swayze's. : ) I'm addicted to it. Next time I just wanna bring some friends I can relax with and let loose. I'm so shy. : (

Oh, the whole time, I was wishing the guy I liked was there. *sigh* But he wasn't....*sob*

I love you, Bianka! I'm so excited! She's coming over to my house tomorrow, be it only five hours, but its still good! : ) Maybe she'll bring some anime........*hint hint hint*.....: )

Well, I had fun, and I'm tired, and I'm sure there's a word for it, but I have no clue what it is. Eric prolly knows. But I can say both in another language, so a whole new genre of ppl understand me, while he can go around with his big fancy English and confuse the living hell out of the commoners. -.-;;

Me diverte, y ahora, tengo sueno. Told ya so! : )

BTW, stuff that I only want certain ppl to know, or don't want certain ppl to know, shall be in Spanish that AltaVista translated for me. I'm not talented or smart enough to do it myself.......*sigh* Things in Spanish are meant for Bianka, and Yari, if she ever reads this. : )

Maldici?n. Estoy cayendo en amor con ben. No puedo ayudarle. Me conozco no tengo ninguna ocasi?n con ?l cualesquiera, pero no puedo ayudarle. S? que nada suceder? siempre entre nosotros, pero no puedo pararme. ?Por qu?? ?Por qu? yo tuvieron que siempre como los individuos con quienes no tengo ninguna ocasi?n? ?Maldici?n! ?Maldici?n! ?Maldici?n! Deseo mantener esto tan secreto como sea posible, porque la vez ?ltima tuve gusto alguien, (refiera a la situaci?n con Shawn) termin? encima de bastante gravemente. Maldici?n. Alguien me ahorra de estas situaciones. No tengo ninguna ocasi?n; Nunca nunca tengo y yo voluntad. Soy desesperado. Tan desesperado. El primer corte es el m?s profundo. El primer corte ser?a eric. I de largo que se sostendr? otra vez. Una vez que haya tenido mi primera relaci?n verdadera, soy adicto amar. Alguien, me ama por favor, m?s que apenas amigo. Deseo ser alguien especial otra vez. Deseo ser la persona ma's immportant del mundo otra vez. Por favor, ?meme alguien, y excepto m? de este infatuation el m?os que ir?n a in?til, viendo como tengo una ocasi?n de los copos de nieve en INFIERNO con los persones yo me gusta.

Sorry for existing,

Jessica

12:21am: Roller Coaster of a Day
I'm glad I have this journal. I don't think I could live without it.

My day was a roller coaster of emotions.

I came to school, sleepy and shit, only to find that the internet was down, so I couldn't do the research sheet for Lit. I talked momentarily with Eric, which caused much emotion. After we talked, I stormed outside and sat on the bench. It felt pretty good. I was dressed all in black, listening to Chevelle, and letting the wind toss my straightened hair, staring straight ahead. Then I walked back inside, talked to and cried to Bianka and Yari (thank you GOD for those two. What would I do without them????!!!!?!?!??!) When I couldn't take it anymore, I walked back outside, and was interrupted at the doorway by Ben. He hugged me and we talked a little, then I went outside. Then Ms. Galante kicked us out, so I walked back in, only to see that all my friends had left me. : (

Biology was where things took a turn. Diana and I did a worksheet together, and things happened, which brought my mood up, which was a good thing.

Lit. was dull, as usual.

Lunch was spectacularly wonderful. I actually socialized with people who actually CARE ABOUT ME. Namely, Natalie, Alicia, and Ben. Then everyone left and it was just Ben and me. We talked a bit, then the bell rang.

Band was ok. Taylor's a huge asshole, and Bianka is my bestestestest friend at Sprayberry. Then I got really embarrassed by two things. I was dancing with Bianka and she asked BEN if he wanted to dance with ME. I was so embarrassed. Then I accidently told him I loved him, and I didn't mean it!! I was talking about Yu Yu Hakusho!! -.-;;

Eric???.you jerk. And you say you did nothing to me. You always have to go and make me seem like the bad guy, don't you, because you're always innocent. Well, you're an idiot, I don't know why I even dated you, and you deserve the worst anyone can throw at you. And that's all I'm going to say. I'm not even going to bother anymore, just like you told me to. I don't know what the hell I did to get you to suddenly hate me so, but if I haven't noticed it by now, then maybe its because you're making a big deal out of it. And how many times have you told me what I told you ONCE?! And you get mad at me for it! It hurt me every fucking time you told me that, but I didn't get mad! You used to say that I'm too sensitive, but I was trying desperately to be your goddamn friend, because you need all the friends you can get! But nooo?????apparently, you can't let things go, and everything always has to turn out for the worst for you, doesn't it?! Well, fuck you.

Anyways! ^_^ Spanish was boring. I wrote a note to Bianka.

Anthropology was cool. We took notes on Mesopotamia and blah blah blah Bible blah blah blah Babylon blah blah blah Garden of Eden blah blah blah etc etc etc. Anna and I passed notes almost the whole time. : )

Geometry was ok. Didn't really do much.

Anime club was fun! They showed Neon Genesis Evangelion, but none of the five of us really liked it, so we went outside. I accidently went into the boys bathroom. It was funny. Adrian was being an idiot and hitting on me. JJ and Bianka look cute together. I can tell she likes hanging out with him anyways, seeing as she abandons me for him and leaves me to deal with Adrian. : / But then everyone left me, so it was just me and Adrian. Blah. He was being stupid, but he gave me his chain. Hooray for chains! Then Tio Julio drove me home.

When I got home, I called mom and got online. Liz asked me to go to a concert with her, but she never really put effort into the invite, so I didn't go. I went to Sam's Club with mom, and she bought me the new John Mayer CD, seeing as it was the only good CD there besides Good Charlotte. The lyrics are basically what my life is going through now, but I'm not that crazy about the music of some of them. : )

Then I ate chicken. If it weren't for chicken, I'd have no reason to live. : ) It reminds me of a quote from Adult Swim about how it all tastes like chicken in the end, and chicken tastes good. : ) Damn straight.

Blah.

My cousin won't get offline and I'm sick of playing Jak and Daxter. I read some old rants I wrote down on Word. A lot of them are stupid stuff. The ones that confused me so much were the ones where I ranted on how I liked Taylor sooo much and the ones where it says how I felt bad for liking someone else while telling Bryce that I love him. Hmph. Well, Bryce has Aimee now. Or not????you guys should read his blurty one day. Its quite interesting. 52 times in 4 months. Hmph?????????

Blah.

Love Always,

Jessica

9:38pm: : )
AHAMAHGAD WHAT IS WITH ME?!?!? I'M ACTUALLY IN A GOOD MOOD!!!

well, let me tell you about my horrible day, plz.

Biology was ok. Nothing to complain about,e xcept I was stupid. I forgot the Spanish word for 'question'.

Lit was boring, but it was good, because Travis actually talked to me. Then we listened to The House on Mango Street, which is a good book. I would know. I read the whole thing front to back, cover to cover, on Saturday. Susanne and I had a little moment. We both looked at each other and smiled. I hope that eventually, one of us will become brave enough to actually get to know each other. I like her. We talked a little at the Tea Party and hung out together at the field trip.

Lunch sucked. Simply put.

Band was ok. I got a hug from Ben. : )

Spanish was boring. I wrote a note to Bianka in that class. We also had a pop quiz......bleh. I know the words, but I just don't get the grammar!!! Donut!!! ; )

Anthropology was awful. I got terribly sick. My tummy hurt like crap, and I swear, I'm allergic to that corner of the classroom {we got our seats moved....: (....}. My knee turned into jell-o and I almost threw up. All through a lecture about Egypt. Blah!

Geometry was pointless. To pass the time away, I wrote an ideal conversation I would like to have with someone. It worked too! Then, we had review, I sooo aced it! T'was easy as hell. And I payed no attention whatsoever to the lesson and took no notes. Geometry is so much easier than Algebra. XD

Then I rode the bus home. I had to scold Adrian about staying out of my love life (or lack thereof) and I talked to Shawn a teensy bit. I hugged David and smiled at Michael. I listened to Chevelle the whole way home, feeling like crap.

The minute I got home, I got a call from Keru. It was the whole gang from Campbell. Well, anyone who really matters to me. *sigh* I miss those guys. I swear, they call me one more time, I might burst into tears. I wouldn't be able to take it. I love those guys so much, and I'm all the way over here, with my dear sweet Bianka. But she's only in one of my classes, its really depressing.....: /

I got an email today from Jakey-boy! I was so happy! : )

Bryce really needs a friend now. He broke up with his girlfriend, Aimee. I don't know if I should confront and/or console him about it next time we talk...

My friends need to update their journals! I go check under 'friends' and its the same old entry from Ryan, about how HC was sooo great. I hate that entry. Sry, Ryan, but I just can't stant reading it, seeing as my HC sucked major ass. Well, at least one of us had fun.....

BLAH RUNESCAPE. I'd rather not do it, but I'm doing it for Travis, I guess. I'm not good at it. I have to thank him very much though, for helping me so much. : )

BLAH. : )

Dunno what else to write. I'm in a great mood, and all my friends are missing it! Get online ppl, plz!!!!

Amy's on! I remember now why I'm in a great mood! I called Amy! : ) She's great!

Aight, ppl who hate to read somng lyrics in ppl's blurties, skip the enxt part. Its basically what I'm feeling right now about my lack of a love life. I never thought the song would pertain to me, but here we go! (isnt the lead singer of AAR just so hot?!?! He looks like Tom Welling! AHMAHGAD he's so hot! Did anyone catch Smallville last night? Was it not the best one yet?! Go Lex!!!! Boo Lana!) BTW, just pretend that when it says something about a chik, it means eric, tho hes a GUY......errg......

Days swiftly come and go.
I'm dreaming of her
She's seeing other guys
Emotions they stir
The sun is gone.
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise
She knows I was wrong
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold
and so do I to a new love.

Bury me
(you thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(away. away, away...)

I love you all! Plz talk to me!

<3 Alwayz

Jessica

10:12pm: shuddup
no one really cares

today was ok i guess

ive decided not to bother using most punctuation

whats the point

biology sucks darryl needs to stop skipping so we can pass notes again instead of me trying my best to translate all these science stuff into spanish for diana god why did i hafta forget spanish

lit was boring

lunch sucked ass

band was awesome Ben and I flirted a LOT but i guess i wsant that great otwards bianka, so i wrote her a note of apology but she didnt have a chance to write back

spanish anth and geometry sucked

the bus ride home sucked, no one talked to me. shawn was feeling down so i asked him if he was haivng a bad day. he said yeah, then i asked if he wanted to share. he shook his head no. i asked for a hug, he shook his head no. i dont think he wants to be my friend anymore

today was early release, and amy keru and liz called me on kerus cell. it was awesome. god i miss eighth grade so much. i was really upbeat afterwards, and it was fun. : )

i'm hungry. i wonder why i starve myself...

i'm a loser. i wonder why i bother.

Full House brings back so many memories. I miss Mundelein so much. If only my goddamn father didnt hate the cold so much, then i would still be there.

I'm making a new friend. her name is Sylvia. goodie, another online friend to take over my life *coughHugoOscarBrycecough*

*sigh* I'm gonna go die a semi happy death, k? cyaz

7:36pm: BLAH
Blah. My life is blah. I'm so sick of it being blah! Someone make it stop being blah!

Errrg. Everytime I write in my blurty, I think about Bryce. That makes me feel even more like shit. Damnit.

OMEGA, Lit was weird today. I was pretty much quiet, while everyone else had all the fun, but whatever, I don't care. The onion blossom thingeys were pretty good. I forgot a prop so I just made something up on the spot. So did John, who played Bob Ewell. That jest gows ter sho' how we-yell yew can count on a Ewell. : )

That project drove me up a wall. I had to work so hard on it. And the script was just......LONG and DULL. At least ppl were amused with the shiney board. I hated standing up there. That mean everyone's eyes were on ME. Fat, ugly ME. If people take as good a look at the person up there as I do, then everyone noticed how VERY HIGHLY unattractive I am.

Blah.

I feel really crappy. I'm getting sick of my friends. Well, I'm certainly not getting sick of Bianka, but I feel as if she's getting sick of me. I feel really bad about feeling this way, but I'm really not satisfied anymore. I don't know what to do, because these are the only people who care about me. Everyone else just......I dunno. Oh, and I'm not getting sick of Liz.....Liz is great. I don't know why we weren't friends last year. I'm not getting sick of Candace. Candace is cool. I'm not getting fed up with Shawn, only with Eric repeatedly bringing up the two days that I actually liked Shawn as more than just a friend, but now thats over. : / Danielle doesn't even care I exist anymore, so I don't know why it bothers me. Ryan is too popular to care. And.......Alicia......I dunno. I'm just............errrg, i dunno. I miss Amy too much. She's my best friend, and has been for what feels like forever. *sigh*

Where is that goddamn rocket I've been waiting for? Or at least a temporary rocket........sheesh.

Eric lies too much.

So does Bryce.

BLAH!!!

Fuck you ppl.

Not really, but, I love you guys! Even though you don't love me......

Love Always,

Bitch

10:11pm: Fuck You
Today was....crappy.

School was ok. Darryl and I passed notes in Biology. : ) Lunch was awesome! I've never squeezed so many tits in my entire life! It was awesome! I went to the orthodontist's to get the wire fixed. It feels so much better. : ) I just hate having so much homework. I'm just gonna stay up late. I got the outfit I need for Lit. tomorrow, and it looks so weird. It flattens my boobs. And if I unzip the dress in the front, I look like I'm in a porn movie from 1874. : )

I hate homework. I did all my homework last week; can't I take a break this week, plz?

God, you're not helping me! Whatever happened to me being saved and my life improving, Mister Lord?.................Amen.

http://www.illwillpress.com/rant.html

Thanks for the love, the pain, and the lesson, Bryce.

Love Always,

Jessica

11:57pm: No one loves me, this I know; For their notgivingashitaboutme tells me so......
Why can't I just have someone who tells me that they love me, and mean it as more than just a friend? Yes, I know my so called friends love me, but why can't I have someone special? I mean, I have Eric, but unfortunately, things didn't work out. There was just too much pain, and heartache. And it just didn't feel right. *sigh* I know I'm only 14, but it feels as if there's no one out there for me. It feels as if that all there is for me is heartache and tears.

Please, just in case there's anyone out there who does love me for more than just a friend, please please please tell me. I know that no one will tell me, but its worth a shot. : (

Now, plz excuse me as I go cry my heart out, and be the person no one wants me to be.....b/c no one loves me......

11:37pm: Runny mascara and a dented tissue box.
You wanna know about my day? Yeah right. I bet you're just really really bored, or just happened to come across my blurty on some odd chance. Or, I begged you until you read my blurty, because you wouldnt read it on ur own anyways......

We went to Canton today. We bought my dress, which I thought was very pretty. Then my mommy bought me this thingey that the girls from the olden days wear, to make you look slimmer. I was in pain throughout the whole fuckin dance. We ate at Wok n Roll, which got crappy. Then we came home. I got ready for Homecoming, thinking I'd have a good time. I looked good!

HC was alright @ 1st. I danced, talked, laughed. Bleh. Then it got bad. I went to my little corner, and talked to Ryan and Stephanie. That was the only good thing that happened tonight. I didn't dance with anybody and my date was a white balloon I stole from the ceiling. I danced with NO ONE. I felt like such an ugly fat loser. Hell, I am! *sigh* I spent the whole time being alone, because no one cared about me. Or if they did, they had someone else they cared about more. I was sick of waiting around to be noticed, that I just walked away after 30 seconds. Yeah, shut up.

Then I came home, lied to my mom, telling her I had a great time. Carrie asked em to go to Bahama Breeze, but I was in too much pain from the stomach compressor torture thigney around my waist. I called Eric, then broke down into tears. I know he tried to make me smile, but no one really can. My makeups all off now, and its left marks on the pillows. Tissues litter my floor, desk, and bed.

Well, I'm gonna go and die now.

Love Always, (thought I KNOW no one cares about me....segun de que paso a la Homecoming {crappy Spanish....}..........)

Jessica, Unloved and all Alone.

PS: WHERE THE HELL IS MY FUCKING SO CALLED ROCKET?!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

10:04am: What's this?! Jessica had a good day?! *gasp* Never!
Hello everyone who doesn't bother to read this.

Ok, so maybe a lied a little.

I do feel really bad about the Bryce thing, I mean, I was heartbroken. Even though it is kinda of hypocritical, seeing as I went out with Eric, but it was no where near as serious as him and Aimee. *sigh* And just when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Yesterday was alright. It was much better than a lot of days. First period was alright, it was all notes on ecosystems and notes from Darryl.

Second period was ok. Took a test and wrote one and a half pages on the essay question about how I absolutely loved The Cask Of Amontillada??hahaha??..revenge???.bwahahahaaaaa??.

Lunch was alright. I won the contest thingey for a pass outta Freshman Experience. : ) I learned there's going to be a talent show, and I want to be in it, but I have no talent, so what can I do? *sigh* Then I did my math homework in the library. Then I went and hung out with Alicia and stuff. I ended up giving her the ring Eric gave me. Eric seemed really depressed when he saw Alicia wearing it????

Band was pretty good. Taylor's an asshole, but we all knew that. I played the scale and got a 104 on it. : )

Spanish was dull.

Anthropology was dull.

Math was dull. Took a quiz??I hope I did well, I need to bring up my grades. The only good thing about seventh period was the fact that Eric and I made up. I am so sick of us fighting! I want it to stop! And I'm not even the one starting the fights this time! It's Eric! So Eric, if you read this, I want you to know, that if this ever happens again, its for real, and I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT apologizing. I may be a bitch, and all those other names you call me, but I still don't think I deserve that??????????

The pep rally was gay, except that I sat next to most of my friends except for Carrie, Bianka, Danielle, Cheryll, and emm??other ppl. I'm so sorry if I forgot someone.

I don't hate Estella anymore. I don't know why I hated her in the first place. Maybe cause I was jealous????: /

Anime club was fun. We watched Ranma ? and Yari actually admitted that it was alright. : )

Then I went to Bianka's house. We spent the longest time talking. Then we ate, then we went to the mall for half an hour. We went to Purrfect Place and Bianka absolutely loved it. I hope????then we came back to her house and watched some Yu Yu Hakusho. Then mommy came an took my home. I love going to Bianka's house, except when I do, I always feel really bad about myself, because she's just so perfect. Great body, great hair, pretty face, good grades, clean room, good spirit, and all that other good stuff. And she's always so happy! And she's so talented in like, everything! Why can't I be like Bianka?

Last night, I crawled under the covers, thinking, I'm just gonna lie here for a little bit. I woke up at 3:45, hopped outta bed, changed into my jammies, and went back to sleep.

I never got that call from Texas?????

I'm still pretty upset about the Bryce thing, but hell, I'll move on. I learn from my mistakes. Well, it takes one or two more of the same mistakes, but I learn from them???

It's COLD! I hate Georgia. Hate hate hate hate hate.

OMEGA! Jason is having another concert here in GA! Yay!!!

Ok, well, I'm done. If you can help me customize my blurty, please let me know.

Love Always,

Jessica, One of The Biggest Mraz Fan on the Face of This Lonesome Planet

6:29pm: My Veddy First Entry! XD
Yes, people, well, this is my new blurty. Sexy, eh?

I decided, that since my life has changed so much recently, a new blurty would go along great with it. I got sick of my old one anyways. And plz dun make fun of the name, plz.

How has my life changed, you ask?

First off, I've gotten MUCH bolder.

Second, I'm now a Christian.

Third, I learned what assholes guys can be.

Fourth, I've made new friends.

Fifth, I got a PS2! XD

Sixth, my appearance has changed. I don't wear make-up and I don't straighten my hair every day. I've lost weight and grown an inch of two.

Seventh, I learned the truth about Bryce. Boy, I feel like an idiot.

Eighth, I redecorated my room. ^_^

Ninth, my style has totally changed. No more hoodies every day!

Tenth, I'm frequently depressed.

Eleventh, my morals have changed.

And thats about it. I'm constantly changing, dearies, if you care.

So, like, call me one day, plz?

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