Rocket Girl

7:35am: life. sucks.

katie has a serious problem with redundancy. she doesnt like my story because she says its redundant. she also doesnt like my story because its more depressing than her stories. biznatch.

anyways, the concert was last night. it was really bad. i was crying and no one i wanted to notice noticed. however, surprisingly, ben noticed. however, he thought i was crying because i didnt want to play. well, its the thought that counts.

anyways, then i felt better and it was pretty fun. the whole time i was trying to get up the guts to tell taylor that special little message, but i'd prolly end up embarrasing myself, and he'd think that i like him, but that might not even be a non-truth.....

ANY FRIGGIN WAYS!!!

bianka says she doesnt blame me. bianka wouldnt let me slam my head against a bible. thats when the whole evening turned around.

btw, i do not like jessica whitehead. its not like she did anything to me, i just dont like her for two reasons, both of which i'm not telling anyone.

nor am i telling anyone why i felt so down the past few days.

any-ma-whoozle.

so, um, the last non xmas song the sym 1 band played was so beautiful. coincidentally, it coincided with all my actions at that time.

i was just the dead body in the corner that everyone forgot about.

my head..its spinning........it hurts.......

die.

i.....couldnt bleed last night. i tried so hard, but i couldnt bleed.

-wish i had ur faults-
-nothing seems to faze you-
-lies your much more than just human-

they just had to play those two xmas songs, didnt they....

both were so....memory filled......goddamn you all.

7:45am: stupid s.o.b!

errrg.

anyways.

yesterday was terrible. it had to have been one of the worst days of my life. no, it prolly WAS the worst day of my life.

ok, so i got to school, and it started off like a normal day.

then emily came and we went down to the band room to see what band i had gotten in.

i saw where i was and i sobbed.

at least i waited until we were out of the band room until i broke down.

i didnt stop crying either until much later.

its nice to know that so many people care about me. many people wanted to know why i was feeling sad. i'm so glad they care.

then i went to biology and didnt do my work. oddly enough, i got more done than most anyone else in the class.

then i died in lit. it was so dull. romeo and juliet were really really lucky though. they died before they could break each others heart.

i just now realized how superior i am to some people. i am no more than anyone else, you guys. so stop it.

anyways, i died even more at lunch. i sat by myself and cried.

then i cried in fourth period. it surprised me even more about how many people cared about me. it was nice. even taylor cared. i think eddie cared too, in his own way. unfortunately his own way made me cry even more. brandon yelled at me though. but whats really nice is that josh told brandon to shut up. through his idiotic surface he's really a nice guy i guess. : )

as usual, taylor eventually got me cheered up again. i'm grateful that he's there. i hate to admit it, but i'm going to miss him in band next semester. i think i'm going to tell him that too.

then i made a friend in spanish. : )

then i got hyper in anthro. emily and michelle betrayed me again, but i'm over it.

wade is really really mad at me. i refuse to apologize until he tells me to my face why he is mad at me, even though i already know. he's being a huge pussy right now.

then i got home and got many phone calls. the most meaningful was from liz. it hurt, what she said to me, but it was reality. i guess i am a whiney bitch. even amy thinks so. so, i've decided not to update this thing until i'm in a good mood, like right now. i'm not going to tell anyone anything except for those who havent gotten sick of me yet. well, that havent told me yet. *sigh*

anyways, i hate preps. theres a whole bunch here right now and they're so annoying. its pissing me off.

more later, gtg.

7:55am: i cant take it anymore. watch this be my last update in this goddamn journal.

i got my ass stuck in concert 1. CONCERT FUCKING ONE!!!

that was the last hope i had left at living. screw my friends. they dont realy care. besides, they have other people, am i not right?

people move on after a while.

i cant take it anymore. my head is so clouded and disorganized.

forget it. i'm not spilling my guts into a stupid computer anymore.

FUCK YOU.

4:47pm: BEFORE YOU READ THIS, READ PREVIOUS ENTRY, PLZ.
ok, i'm back. had to relog into the system crap.

heheh, i just realized how much i have been breaking my word that i would not cuss anymore. i have to give bianka credit there; its harder than you think!

anyways, i died again in geometry.

then i died on the bus.

then i died at dr patels office.

then i died at liz's "party"

then on saturday, we cleaned my room and it looks good.

i played a jillion hours on ffx.

then we went to media play and bought me a whole bunch of good junk.

then we saw the last samurai, which i highly suggest.

i also highly suggest calling me: 6787971797

then today, i didnt really do much.

except for one big stupid thing that i regret.

i called eric.

twice.

the first time, it was just a stupid excuse to talk to him.

the second time, i stupidly threw myself at his feet, and got spit on.

i cried.

almost as hard as friday in band.

and boy did i cry hard.

then i watched some excel saga and cheered up.

i love that anime.

: )

bianka needs to pick up the phone.

and she needs to do it now, too.

cuz chances are, i'm calling her right this very instant.

gtg, libraries closing.

PLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZ CALL ME! I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE! I REALLY DONT! I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE! I NEED SOME SANITY IN MY LIFE! I REFUSE TO CALL YOU! I'M SICK OF ME CALLING PPL, AND NO ONE CALLING ME! CAAAALLLLL MEEEEE!!!

678 797 1797

love always,

the little loser who died.

4:18pm: blah. its so unfair. life sucks.

i'm at the public library now, cuz my computer is still broken. its just not fair. i cant talk to any of my friends on the computer, and i'm not allowed to check my email at school, and this computer wont let me check my email, so its all shit.

ok, so lately, life's been a biznatch.

i dont really remember thursday at all. you know, its one of those things where you try to remember, but you seem to have a mental block or something, and like, besides, theres too much on your mind anyways to even bother to try to remember pointless forgotten things like that...........*sigh*

i remember friday though.

i came to school. i died. then i sat in a corner. then i talked to carrie and yari. then i went to biology and died again. we finished watching lorenzo's oil, but it was a disappointment for me. i wanted the kid to die. just cuz i felt like someone needed to die that day, and since it wasnt going to be me, it might as well be that stupid kid in the movie. then, at the end of class, andrew almost asked me out on a date. unfortunately he had to make it sexually related and then add "just kidding" at the end. i mean, hell, i'll go out with TIM to get my mind off of that asshole who shall not be called by anything but "asshole".

asshole.

then i went to my locker. yes, MY locker, and not yari's.

anyways. yeah, i went to my locker, and brandon told me (through an unpleasant interrogation) that mr asshole had been spreading rumors about me cutting my wrists.

i was infuriated.

i went to second period and asked travis if he would please tell that asshole to stop spreading rumors about me. he said he would. liar. but i'm not to that part yet....

ok, so i died again in lit.

then i went to lunch. or, as i like to call it, sitting alone in a corner while eating a candy bar that will eventually make me fat and then bang my head repeatedly against the coke machine and wish that i would die.

then cheryl came to tlak to me, but i really did not feel like speaking to her at the moment, but of course i didnt tell her that so i just nodded and smiled throughout the whole conversation.

heh. before cheryl came, i heard them talking about me. they didnt talk much about me, but i knew that they were. it hurts, you know.

shit. my session on the compie here will end in less than ten minutes. damnit.

ok, anyways, then i sobbed profusely in band, all because of a special little note that i got from my best friend whom i resent for it, but i am not mad. i cant be mad at her. i mean, if something that i do is not right with her, then it absolutely has to be wrong because shes perfect right?

SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING, RIGHT?!!?!?

i'm not mad at her. i do not hate her. i hate the words that she wrote down on the paper. of course, i could never say it to her face that she made me cry, harder than i had cried in so long.

but now.....who do i trust?

i feel as if i can no longer go to her with my problems. just when i was about to be completely open with her, too.

now, who do i tell my innermost feelings to?

a notebook who cant reply?

a voice of a distant best friend on the phone?

i need someone here.

someone now.

i need someone who can understand me completely.

it would be nice to be able to relate to someone.

and there has to be someone too, because EVERYONE in depression go through the same thing, right?

RIGHT?!

anyways. yeah.

i was genuinly surprised to find that both taylor and eric were worried about me. scared the hell outta me.

i died in spanish. came way back into life in anthropology but stupid mrs carley had to ruin it for me. i hope she dies.

ack, gtg, more later, times up!

7:56am: stupid peice of crap. this is the second time that i tried to update my journal and it wouldnt let me. stupid computer.

hey! if you care about me, and want to know wahts going on in my life, just ask me!

pleh.

7:44am: blah. i suck.

ok, so yesterday, it went ok. i went to school. went to biology. had to translate a bunch of shit for ingrid.

then i got uber bored in lit.

then lunch was terrible. erics an asshole.

then band was bad. i felt really sick. i was really sick in spanish too, and same with anthro.

geometry was ok, but i stopped paying attention half way through.

then i came home.

then i realized that i lost my glove, so i had to start all over again.

then i got frustrated and gave up.

then i broke down again. but this time no one was there. except my mother who wouldnt leave me alone.

its so unfair. shes not going to fix my compie.

i'm not sick. i'm not special. i'm normal. I'M FUCKING NORMAL. IS THAT WHY NO ONE NOTICES OR CARES ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK GOES ON IN MY GODDAMN LIFE!!!

hmm...i should send some certain ppl emailz cuz i wont be able to talk to them for a while.

i'll just ask my mom to take me to the library so i can send them. i dont want to get in trouble at the school library.

anyways, then adrian called. then i had to get off the phone. then i called eric a few miutes later. then i hung up and cried some more.

then i woke up this morning. then i got to school. then i came here.

now i want to die.

die die die.

*ahem*

die.

oh yeah. one good thing. i found my cd player and my purse.

now i have terrible cramps because i just got my period and this tampon is huge. it hurts. wah.

die.

bitch.

7:48am: tiiiireeeedd....

*yawn* jessica made a new friend this morning. shes great. shes what i think i'll be when i'm a sophomore. she likes all the anime that i like and shes in the same classes as i will be, minus the honors science and the fact that we have the same geometry teacher right now. but its awesome, because she let me copy her homework. plus, i joined her good idea society. damn straight. ohyeah, her name is ashleigh. shes so cool. the funny thing is that we've spoken before, but we never really got to know each other and stuff. the only times we had spoken before was when katie was there in the morning. but nooooowww........new friends are so much fun!

its so unfair. i have to wait until AT LEAST saturday until i get my computer fixed! *tear*

woah, i dont have much time to finish this thing.

ok, well, yesterday went well. a lot of people wanted to read my shirt and no one understood it until i explained it to them. i actually payed attention in biology! its amazing! i payed attention in lit too. i swear, my "add" was a side affect of zoloft, because now that i dont take it (see explanation below), i've been doing much better in classes. lunch was fun. it was great. i was hyper. hyper good. band was cool too. i found out that taylor has a girlfriend. is it worng that i'm a little jealous? he says i'm going punk. whatever. i'm more of a poser than anything, and dont i enjoy it either!! anyways, spanish was boring. in anthropology, i learned what big traitors emily and michelle are. they aint getting their tapes back for a loooong time. meanies. then geometry was ok, but i spaced out half way through. then i came home, and thoroughly cleaned my room. then i worked on a mini arm sock, which i finished, but i didnt get to finish the glove i was working on. oh well. i'm almost done, and i think it'll look pretty cool. terrible stitching though....then i slept. like a log. minus the waking up every other hour. but otherwise, its all good.

ok, so what i do with my zoloft is, when my mom hands it to me, i put it in my mouth, hide it under my tongue, and swallow a big gulp of orange juice. then i do the same with the other pill. next, i "blow my nose" and while doing so, i spit the pills outs into the tissue. its wonderful. my mother hasnt caught me yet. i used to do this once a week or so, but now i do it every day, and i seem to be much better than i was before so you can shove those pills and add papers up yer muslin ass, dr patel.

*ahem* anywho.

ok, i think i'm done. all thats left to do is check my email, so cya!

sorry for being me,

jessica

10:57am: chicken! chicken! throw the chicken! -no you throw the chicken!!- Fine! *throws chicken*
uy7hhhh

hyper!! hyper!

zoloft is stupid! my ADD is just a side affect of zoloft!!

HEMOPHILIA!!!!

ERWIN!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

*nods*
*giggles*
*points*
*rapes*
*dies*
*giggles*

eric is mean. he hates liz. who can hate liz? whats to hate about liz?

so waht if she hates you back, eric? liz is liz. you cant hate liz. shes to cool to hate. only losers hate liz.

ah mah gad.

moldova. its great.

"jessssica...wahts a moldova?

thats not an excuse.

oh thats great.

VIVA CURBSIDE PROPHET!!!!


AYE, AYE, AYE, AYE!!! CANTAN Y NO LLORE!! POR QUE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH SPANISH BLAH BLAH BLAH SOMETHING DUM DUM DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!!!

OMG. HE SHOULDA DONE RUSSIA!! HE SHOULDA DONE RUSSIA GOOOOOOD!!! SO GOOD!

SO FUCKING GOOD!!!

KIEV.

"duuuuuurrr..heeeeeey!!! moldova -is- a country!!!"

shut up.

football sux. it should die.

it should suck my non existant dick.

WOO YEAH!!

just hope that the librarian doesnt walk by........

disney world sucks.

WHAT THE HELL IS A VICK??!?!

RICKY NEVER MAKES SENSE.

YOU PPL ARE LOSERS.

DIE.

die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die!!!

*to the tune of the meow mix song*

shut up ricky. no one cares.

football sucks.

america sucks.

america sucks my non existant dick.

like everyone else.

heheheh.

XD

woohoo.

i still have to make that website for the band.

ARSENICXD!!! WOO YEAH!!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

erics going to make the webbie!

i have strange things in my shoes.

i impregnated an assexual squirrel.

"jason, will you father my unbourne child?"

"ahahahaha. i'll give that to tristan."

"i'll be the stuffing in ur turkey!!"

"do you like whipped cream?"

"where were you when we were getting high?"

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODE!!!

DUDEMAN.

smacking eric is great fun!

hey! leave my nose alone!!

"i have two new necklaces! one from disney world, and this ones from a gas station!!"

oo! oo! oo! i bought a hula girl thingey for my mommys dashboard. its hot.

hmmm.........i should read some of bryces blurty. fun fun fun!!

oops! gtg!! lub lub! bye bye!

7:32am: good morning
lately, the only times that i've really been updating blurty is in the morning at school, when i really shouldnt be updating this thing. i havent gotten caught yet. same with checking my email. i've done it tons of times and nothing has happened to me. i mean, what could they do if they caught me? lunch detention? wooo....scary. not like i care anyways, lunch usually sucks.

ok, so yesterday was typically a good day for me. in biology we watched the first part of Lorenzo's oil. In lit we watched Romeo and Juliette. I cried my poor little black heart out to nobody who cared. In band we played music. In Spanish I actually participated in class! I scared to lightbulbs out of Senora Malmo!! Anthropology was boring, minus the notes I took on the movie. Geometry was ok, actually. I payed attention for once, and i scared the bajeebers out of mr grant!!! : ) And guess what! I actually did my math homework!! Its a miracle!!

and then i got home and spent like, three hours in thundar plains in ffx. I desperately need to level up on that game. and i need help from Bianka!

then mother and i spent some "quality time" together. fun stuff. not.

you know wahts really wonderful? taking a hot steamy shower late at night. you sit right under the water thingey and cry for hours on end. your mother is asleep, so she cant bang on the door, telling you to stop wasting water in spanish. then you feel around for the shampoo bottle and you lather your hair with the sweet smelling bubbles and wash it all away, like washing away your sorrows. then you grope around for the bottle of coconut scented conditioner and feel how slick it makes your hair, and then once its been thoroughly amassed throughout your hair, you wash it away like washing away all your filthy sins, which make you the person you really are. unless, of course, your bianka. shes perfect, but thats beside the point. then you just sit in the tub, your head hanging while you slowly run your hands through your hair. then you cry some more. then you grab the soap and rub it all over your exposed body while sniffling. then the water turns cold and you turn the hot water knob all the way up, and wait patiently for the hot water to come. then, you feel a complete peace. its wonderful. the only terrible thing is getting out. you reluctantly turn the water off, and hesitantly wrap yourself up in a towel, desperate to keep warm on a cold winters night. then you dry yourself slowly, and put on your pajamas. you walk back into your room, brush your hair, turn off the computer, tv, and playstation and turn on the radio. you crawl into bed and cry peaceful tears as you slowly drift away into your dreamland, hoping that you never wake up, and never have to face the false reality that is your life in the first world.

good morning.

levantese muchacha, se llego la madrugada, los pollitos tienen hambre, la gallina tienen sed. levantase muchacha, se llego la madrugada.

my mother used to sing me that song when i was a little girl. i miss those days like a sun misses the day when she slumbers during the moons time to shine.

i want to go home.

i want to be anywhere else but here.....

far from reality,

jessica.

7:52am: Truth Revealed, Reality Unconcealed
i have discovered the truth. i want all my friends to know it, so that they will be saved from the first world and progress into the third world, like i will be soon. you guys have to know the truth. i dont care if i'm punished for it, i just really want you guys to be saved, even if i risk my own happiness and freedom. you guys have to know the truth! and i'll know who my true friends are by whoever reads this journal and asks me about it. everyone else will just have to come upon the truth themselves....

sorry guys, but i have discovered the truth, and i cant keep quiet.

they're coming to take me away soon. they were supposed to take me away last night, but they never did. i think they're going to wait for me to finish with the zoloft, then they wont have to get off of their lazy asses to come get me.

thats it. thats all i have to say about the truth. if you really want to be rescued from this fake world of non-existance, than just ask me! jsut ask me!

they're letting me wander around the first world because i'm getting "psychiatric help". they think that no one will believe me. they've programmed everyone else so that they wont believe anything that sounds too far away from what they're used to, so then the send the smart ones to the loony bin and while they walk around brainless, we are taken to the third world!!!

i want to go. the only way i can go is if i stop all the pills, all the treatment, all the pity, because those are the things that are pulling me down, further and further into the depths of the first world.

someone, please, set me free, please let them come take me to the third world. dont hold me back. let me be free.

i want to go to the third world....

maybe, even, there's vacancy in the second world.......if only i could go...

set me free,

jessica

11:49pm: SUSHI IS JAPANESE!!!!!
ok, so, yeah, i'm home again.

i went to see Gothika. Great movie! It wasn't really scary, moe like, everything just pops out at you. the weird thing about it is..........I WENT TO SEE IT WITH MY......MY............MOM!!!

*blink*

then we met up with alex and ate at applebee's. fun.

i want to go do something tomorrow wiht Bianka, but I have to go to my father's. GODDAMNIT.

our band roXors so hard!

yeppers peppers. danielle said that she would take me to a concert friday night. hey look, i didnt go.

guess who's ooooon........

hmm. i wonder, is it that i've blocked ben and deleted his sn? or is it that he blocked me? hmm.....

yeah, lately, i've been thinking a lot about this whole ben thing. i mean, i dont like him anymore or anything, but i mean, maybe we could still be friends??? eric told me that he knows that i hate him, and that he doesnt hate me back, and i had this weird dream that we became friends again, but i really have no clue. i mean, i wouldnt mind having another freind. and its sad, but i do miss those days when ben was my friend. i no longer want to like him, but still.......and how he didnt say anything to me the day after he learned just how much i liked him.....but before i told him that i knew that he was playing with my feelings.

life sux butt.

ah well. i'm dead. so waht. who cares.

laaaaaaaaaaa..............


-the little loser who died

6:13pm: I'm a Knickerbocker! XD
yokie dokie.

wednesday afternoon was the audition for band next semester. I did terrible. Oh my god.......I want to die. I'm going to get into.....Concert 1? *sigh* I want to fucking die cuz of that!!

ok, so thurday was a success. I succedeed in getting "sick" in fifth period, so I didn't take the anthropology test yet! It's wonderful! : )

But other than that, I can barely remember thursday.

And friday was fun. i got to school early and then i had a conference thingey with mr lynch. it turns out that he doesnt hate me, and i should make about a 1430 on my SATs!!! I will major in broadcasting, and minor in english. I should go to either NYU, Columbia, or UGA. XDXDXDXDXD

Then in Biology I took a major quiz. I'm positive that I passed.

I took another quiz in Lit. Then we read Romeo and Juliette.

Lunch was gay. As usual.

Band was gay. As usual.

Spanish was boring. Took another test. Then my teacher sent me up to the guidance counselor. it was really weird. cuz like, i had no idea why i was up there. i thought maybe i had gotten caught skipping class, but nope. she just asked me some questions about my grades. it was weird. then i went back to class.

anthro was cool. we watched the rest of the ramayanas and then I clung to andy's leg! andy is cool. : ) Then Anna and I discussed our band. We finally chose a name for it: aRsEnIcXD

geometry was gay, as usual. took another test. mr grant looked at me funny when i turned it in. and when i was walking out, eric was begging me to go home with him and i accidently said right in forn of mr grant "eric, i am NOT going home with you!!" mr grant looked at eric funny this time.

then yari and i hung out at chik fil a. yari's a good friend, and nice company. i'm glad that shes my friend. i bought her ice cream. : )

then i went to dr patel's. i hate that doctor so much. he gave me a bunch of forms to give to some people to fill out about me having ADD. then he increased me fucking dosage of zoloft!!!! what an asshole.

then we bought some stuff at publix, and we spoke the whole evening in spanish. my mother says my spanish is impoving. nice.

the bunny........the bunny.........oh i ate the bunny.......

ok, so, after that, i went home. and then i fell asleep.

ok, so i woke up, and had a boring boring day. and thats basically it. the only good part of my day so far was the shower. i love showers. i love the feeling you get when you're hair is almost done drying. i love it.

all i have left to do today is clean my room. then mommy and i will go to the movies today.

i want to do soemthing wiht bianka this weekend. but i dont know. O.o

ah well, more later. cyaz

finally in a good mood, (prolly cuz of the extra dosage),

jessica

7:33am: i will let you down when you finally trust me, finally believe in me......
oh dear god.

i feel like shit.

does katie really like me?

she was sitting with me this morning, and we talked some, but i think she only likes to talk to me to pass time. cuz uh...she gave me soem great advice. she told me to be myself, and to not let anyone else try to run my life, which is waht i've been doing my whole life.......

so uhh.....yeah.

then i asked her for some advice. me pregunto a katie que mi novio es mi amigo mejor y no quiero ser la novia de el, por que me gusta un otro chico. la problema es que eso chico no le gusta a mi, y estan el amigo mejor de mi "novio". no se que voy a hacer.

she told me to get over it. nice, aint it?

then a friend of hers came over and she just left me all by myself, and she didnt even say good bye. does she really want to be my friend? or does she just need someone to pass the time by with?

i feel like shit. i really want to die.....and i'm not just saying that like everyone thinks I am....

i'm making terrible grades. i'm a terrible person.

i owe six dollars in total.

i lost my CD player.

i'm getting pissed at some of my friends.

i mean, really really pissed.

they just don't understand....they just don't get it.....and they never will.

no one gets me. and if someoen does, pease step forward and explain myself to me, for i have no idea what i'm all about.

*sigh* some people are just really pissing me off, and apparently, I'm really pissing off some people.

i pissed off travis.

i pissed off eric.

i pissed off bianka.

i pissed off liz.

i pissed off katie.

i pissed off everyone.

and seemingly, i get pissed at everyone too.

i have serious issues.

but why cant i tell anyone whats really wrong with me?

i want to, but every time i try to open up, it never comes out in a sense that i want it to, and i always open up to the wrong ppl.....

all that comes out of my mouth is babbles, while everyone else can speak fluently. the problem is, i can't understand them. and they claim that they speak my own language, and they can understand it, but do they?

do they?

DO THEY???

god. i've given up on some of my friends. i guess i just pushed too much. so much to the point where they don't want anything to do with me. so i give up. they win. they'll always win.

and i always lose.....

what is happiness? where does it some from? whats it like, to be happy? will i ever get to be happy?

is there evewn such a thing as happiness?

and what about freedom?

dont get me started on freedom.

well, i'm gone.

sorry for pissing you off, and sorry that i got pissed at you,

jessica.

more commonly known as:

no one.

10:10pm: i'd rather cry to death
Fuck you all.

goddamnit. i hate my mother.

i hate this shit.

alright, so here's what happened.

she came into my room bitching about my schoolwork (and she didn't even see my report card yet!!!!)

I tried to get her out of my room. the stupid bitch stayed. so, when i got up to get out of the room, she grabbed me and threw me down into the chair. i got up again and she threw me down once more.

i went and i locked myself in the bathroom. somehow, she got in while i was trying to open the window. she started bitching to me again. i ran to my room. more wrestling for the door. i grabbed my sandals. i ran out of my room and out the back door.

i went into my backyard and i sat in my swing and i tried so hard to cry. but i couldnt. fucking antidepressants have clogged up the drain.

i got to hang out with my only true friend, the only living creature who truly loves me, my dog, Spot. I need to hang out with him more often.

anyways, so then no matter which way i tried to go, she was there. stupid bitch.

i layed down on the driveway to look at the stars. too bad you can't see shit through the goddamn fog. my mom walked over and threatened to call a doctor, then i told her that i dont need a fucking doctor. then she threatened to call a hospital, and i told her that the goddamn hospital fucked up my arm. i dont trust those people. then she threatened to call my father. i said -oh, by all means, please, do so! and have fun!- She didn't call. Then i tried to cross the street. she threatened to call the cops. then i told her how little logic a decision like that has.

so i crossed, and she followed me. i walked to the dead end, and turned around. then a dog started following me. fucking dog.

then i decided, i'm going to shawn's house. so i walked all the way to the corner of his street, then i remembered. shawn doesn't like me. so i turned around and walked home.

stupid mother cried the whole time. i told her to shut up. she cried harder.

so now i'm home. i'm not talking to her.

the good thing of this evening: i have her wrapped around my little finger. i told her that i wasn't going to school tomorrow. then i remembered that they're showing dead poets society, and i really like that movie, and i wanted to see it. so i'm going.

unless i kill myself.

when i was in my backyard, i got a pretty good estimate of how high the window os to the ground. higher than that goddamn rock. good. maybe i'll die this time.

fuck you all.

none of you care.

none of you understand.

none of you care to understand.

fuck you.

fuck you all, goddamnit.

assholes, all of you.

you don't care, and you know it.

my head feels so heavy, and its really hot in this room. i can barely concentrate, and all of it hurts. i feel like there's something sensitive and heavy in my chest and something big and strong and stubborn is guarding it and refuses to move, for the dagger to take its plunge.

i'd rather be plunged, thank you very much.

i'd rather cry to death

sorry that you fucked up my life

jessica

7:51pm: fuck you
one of these days.......

today was alright.

i clinged to erics leg this morning.

fun.

biology was gay.

lit was ok. one of the assignments that we did forever ago got passed back today. i got a perfect score even tho my grammer sucked like shit. heh. mrs sanford liked it so much that she read it to the class. nice. not. i kinda wanted it to be a more private thing. oh well. not like anyone in that class likes me anyways.

lunch sucked.

band sucked. the only good thing is that taylor was actually nice to me. weird, neh?

spanish sucked.

anthro was great.

that period between 6th and 7th was awesome.

math sucked.

came home.

talked to shawn a little bit on the bus.

came home.

showered.

fuck you.

i was in a great mood.

taylor and i actually had a conversation that didn't involve ripping someone's head off.

things are getting really damn freaky.

i just got off the phone with eric.

hes too fucking moody. he needs to grow up. i'm sry, but he does.

i mean, so what if i like someone else. can you blame me. i mean, god. a girls got to move on with her life.

taylor does NOT like me, eric. you know it, i know it, everyone knows it. so shut up.

one of these days...

its all going to end for me.

i cant wait.

i want it to end.

i don't want to live.

goddamnit.

i hate it all.

all of it.

i just want to tell someone everything that i feel. but.....i just can't. the closest i've ever gotten to doing so was with bianka, but just as i'm about to do it, i chicken out. i hate myself. i can't even tell someone how i really truly feel on the inside. i think i'm going to write a blurty entry on how i really feel, and keep it private. the only problem with that is that eric knows the password to this thing so he could read it. i think i'll put it up on another journal that like, no one knows about. awesome. go me. watch it backfire, as it always does.

GODDAMNIT.

i feel bad that my day was pretty good when mike is like, dying.

goddamnit all.

i went ot this forum thingey and read tons of entries about whether or not there is a god or not. its a fifty fifty chance. there is either a god, or there isn't a god.

i dont worry about hell, b/c, well, i cant explain, but i will in that entry......

man, i want to cry so badly. but.....i cant. its awful. you think its terrible when you cry, you don't want to cry anymore. you want the tears to stop. and then when they finally do, you miss them more than anything in the world. its a terrible feeling, and i wish i knew someone else who felt it. then i could relate to them. hell, i prolly do. but its just not.....i dont know. i'll admit this to the lack of people who care to read this, but, i love crying. its the best feeling in the world. nah, forget it, i wont go on from there. it'll only lead to a rant that i dont want anyone to hear, not because its personal, but because i know that they wont care, so i might as well keep it to myself in hopes that i'll find someone who will care one day, instead of going ahead and telling someone who i know won't care. its terrible.

i want to cry now.

but i can't.

my heart........feels like its falling in a bottomless pit, and the only thing that would give it a parachute to float gently down would be a nice long sob.

you know, i havent cried in so long.

not a real cry at least. i mean, i cried when i heard of mike's illness, but thats it. and it was a forced cry. i mean, don't get me wrong, i care deeply for mike, but i just cant cry.

forced tears are bad. they hurt so much. it hurts when you try to make them come out, and then it hurts to know that the tears going down your cheeks aren't real.

i want to cry my sorrow out from my plain brown lackluster eyes. Maybe their salty moisture will clean my eyes, and make them shine one day. i would like to have people say something nice about my eyes, instead of "ur eyes are really brooooown......."

i hate that.

i hate these stupid antidepressants. they're like the patch. you really want to smoke, even tho you know its not good for you, but somehting is holding you back.

i want to cry, so badly, even though i know that it does no good to anyone but myself, but these stupid pills are holding me back.

FUCK THEM! FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT! I WANT IT ALL TO JUST STOP!!!

whatever.

ok, so i lied. i said i wouldn't rant about my inner feelings. but, well, this is basically a private journal seeing as no one reads this EVER. not even bianka.......*tear* well, technically, its not really a tear. its just the feeling of wanting to cry, but i can't.

fuck you.

sorry for being in your way

jessica

ps: no one reads this........no one cares......not even my best friends.....which is extremely sad......*tear*

10:58pm: He will not die.......he cannot die.
Hey Jess.
>
>Those smiley things were great, really made my day. ^^ Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you much at all, I feel like such an ass. It's just... *sighs*
>
>Mike's been really damn sick for the past two weeks, and he finally went to the damn doctor, and they did this weird ass testing, and well....
>
>Mike has cancer.... this fucking weird shit that's eating him from the inside out... and they didn't diagnose it in time... and he's dying.... and they can't fucking fix it! The fucking doctors can't fucking fix my brother! He's gonna fucking DIE, and they can't do fucking shit about it, except watch and wait until his fucking heart stops!
>
>Fuck. God, I love you Jess, and I'm glad we're friends, and I'm just scared as hell because Mike's my best-bro in this whole fucking world, and....
>
>HE CAN'T FUCKING DIE! I WON'T FUCKING LET IT HAPPEN!
>
>I gotta go.... cya Jess.... i might not be able to get back to you for awhile.... thanks for being there, man.... love ya always....
>
>Jake

thats an email i really enjoyed seeing in my inbox.

i hate it! i cant believe it!

mike cant die! he just cant!!

this hurts so much.

i thought my day was bad....

no.

mike just cant die.

mike will not die!

i wish i was there!

i wish i could help!

but its just no fucking fair.

i cant do shit.

A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE IS FUCKING DYING OF CANCER AND I CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT!!

it just makes me feel so bad.

goddamnit!!!

God, when Mike finally doesn't have to go through this pain anymore, please, I pray to you, that you don't send him to hell. Please. Mike doesn't deserve it. Please, don't give Mike any more pain. Spare him, Lord. Please.

my day was ok until i opened that email.

you always think:

"nah, it wont happen to me. this kind of shit always happens to someone else, not to me"

you're wrong

YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!!!

and dont say that i'm taking it too hard either.

FUCK YOU.

school: sucked

after school: awesome

home: sucked

goddamnit.

i need to be alone.

i want to be off these stupid anti-depressants so that i can cry.

FUCK YOU ZOLOFT!!!

fuck you, cancer.

FUCK YOU

you dont care about me

and you know it

praying for mike,

jessica.

9:12pm: this is not my home, i think i'm better off alone
what the hell is it with everyone

how come no one likes me

am i annoying or something

am i a bad person

am i just too ugly

its cuz i'm ugly isnt it

GODDAMNIT

i knew it.

man if someone took a poll around the school to see if i was ugly .2% would say no. yeah, those are my friends. what little friends i have. *sigh*

whats this mood i'm in called

its odd.

i'm calm.

i'm angry.

i'm depressed.

i'm ....blah.

i think i'll call someone now. bye.

sorry that you have to put up with me

jessica

7:51am: my morning cup of coffee
http://www.xanga.com/crimsonsentry

its got a good rant in it

plz read it.

if its not too much trouble....

*tear*

10:53pm: no such thing
i've come to the conclusion.

theres no such thing as love.

no wonder i couldnt find it.

its not there.

how can i find something that doesnt exist?

goddamnit, i'm stupid.

fuck you.

fuck life.

so, make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

fuck you ms galante.

10:27pm: Hey losers.

Not that I'm not a loser myself.......*tear*

Shut up.

Tomorrow, I'm going to relive homecoming the way it should have gone. And I'm going to be damn happy. I better be. *glares*

OneLastDayDream: die
SmarterChild: Very well great, you just insulted a computer. Good job.

Man. You know I suck when I spend my time insulting computers.

I so hate myself. I'm going to jump off a fucking cliff, and I'm going to fucking like it!!!]

So, how was my day, you don't ask?

It was pretty good, actually. : )

*sigh* No one loves me. *tear*

Where's my goddamn rocket. Why can't I find him? Where is he? Why can't I have him?

Why can't I just be me? Why can't I just have those few things I want....?

Where were we? Oh yes, my day.

Well, I woke up, cleaned my room, and got dressed. Then Bianka came over and we went to the mall. I had a great time. Then we came to my house and played final fantasy x for a long time.

*sigh* I don't know waht I would do without Bianka. *tear* She has no idea how much I need her in my life. She may be the only reason I didn't kill myself. Because I knew she cared about me, and if there's anything in the world that I don't want to do, is hurt my best friend. I never knew waht it felt like to have a sister until I met her. I feel like she's my sister, and I don't want that to ever end. : ) I even have the typical sibling jealousy! She's so perfect, and my mother loves her soooooo much. *sigh*

Enough mushy stuff now. Onto my dreams.

I WANT MY FUCKING TONGUE PIERCED!!!

btw, I love you. You know who you are, and you know that i do. don't deny it.

sorry that i'm in your way

jessica

Alright, enough mushy stuff.

10:12am: So.......COLD!
BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING BIANKA'S COMING

Isn't is wonderful? I loves her so good! Oh, so good!

Blah, so I never got around to writing that poem. Shut up. Asshole. : P

Mmmm.....hot cocoa....... : )

I wish I could wear my pretty makeup today, but I'm scared that if I do, Bianka's mommy wouldn't let my poopie come over. *tear*

*hiccup*

moving on.

Ahh!! I spilled hot chocolate on my favorite pajama pants! Noooooooo!!!

Jessica's Mini Wish List

-tongue piercing
-nose piercing
-more ear piercings
-tatoo on the back of my neck
-Linkin Park CD
-Best of RHCP CD
-AFI CD
-Kill Hannah CD
-Blink 182 CD
-A Perfect Circle CD
-Switchfoot CD
-POD CD
-Hot Hot Heat CD
-Billy Talent CD
-The White Stripes CD
-Dashboard Confessional CD
-dye my hair black with silver streaks
-more more more more more black clothes!!
-more more more black makeup
-freedom
-talent

what can you give me?

nothing?

figures.

*sigh*

OMG!! Bianka's coming over in two hours and I'm far from ready! My room is a mess! Aaaah!!

I is readin up on getting piercings and tattoos and legal ages and stuff. If only my mother would let me get my tongue pierced. *sigh* I have a small wish list, compared to other people! I mean, come on!

Oh yeah, some other stuff I want

a cd burner
everything from hot topic
a black hoodie
to be attractive

yeah. thats about it. *sigh*

am i selfish for wanting this stuff? i hope not. *tear*

no one will let me express myself. *tear*

is it my fault that this is how i want to be?

yes?

fuck you

sorry for existing

jessica

9:03pm: Just Like You
i could be mean
i could be angry
you know i could be just like you

i could be fake
i could be stupid
you know i could be just like you

you thought you were standing besides me
you were only in my way
you're wrong if you think that i'll be
just like you
you thought you were there to guide me
you were only in my way
you're wrong if you think that i'll be
just like you

i could be cold
i could be ruthless
you know i could be just like you

i could be weak
i could be senseless
you know i could be just like you

----------------------------------------------------

you all suck.

i want to write so badly.

but i have no muse right now.

goddamnit.

i cant think straight.

i want to die.

norma is here.

she likes my makeup.

heheh.

alright, i guess i'll go die now.

sorry for existing

10:04am: Rocket Hooker: You Look Very ....Black Today! Rocket Girl: You Look Very Slutty Today! Oh Wait, You Always Look Like That!!
Yeah, I hate Simone.

Ok, it's fucking cold in this house. They do this every day! They leave the door open in the morning so the whole fucking house gets cold as HELL

Anyways, yesterday was pretty busy for me. I got to school early and did my Lit. hwk. Then Biology was dull, but I got a hug from Darryl cuz I gave him a whole pack of gum for his birthday. Lit. was dull, once again. Lunch was ok. Band sucked. I skipped fifth period again and hung out with Mina, Yari, and Bianka at lunch. However, while I was waiting for them to get out of FE, i talked to this hot guy named Steven. Bianka later told me that he's really annoying AND he's going out with Simone! Who in their right mind would go out with Simone!?!?!? Then I went to Anthropology, which was dull. Then I got to get out of Geometry, which was awesome. I went to Dr. Patel's and he said that I have all the symptoms of A.D.D. Fun. Then we went shopping, and I got the Three Days Grace CD, which, btw, ROCKS!! We also got a DVD. It's a midsummer nights dream. I like Shakespeare, so I'm hoping it'll be good. : ) Then we came home, and I remembered the football game.

Ah, the football game. I'm going to write a poem about it. Not about 'footbal', but about what went on, and how I really felt during the whole thing. yeah.

Then I came home and got online. No one was on!!! So I talked to Travis. He's almost always on. I don't know why i bother talking to that kid, he doesn't care about me! Ugh!! He called me "stupid"!!! Just because I worried all night about Eric!!! Geez. I'm terribly sorry that I actually care and worry about my friends!!!! It's not my fault I worried all night over nothing!

People hate me. *sigh*

Yeah, I was so glad to see Amy and Keru again! It was great. I really wish Liz and Han were there though.....

I finally got to meet Chauncey. He's not at all what I expected.

Yeah, well, when I got home, I was dead tired, so I went to bed.

I had a great dream last night. Well, I had a lot of them, but the one I liked the best was the one where I got my tongue pierced. And I loved it! I wish I could get it pierced. I really do. That's all I ask for....

Heheh, Taylor made me lick Sharpies in Band. I hate him, so much.

I'm so cold. And so lonely. I want to see Bianka this weekend, but I think I'm grounded, but I'm not too sure. *tear*

*sigh* No one loves me.

I hate Dr. Patel. So much. I wish that I never went to him. I hate these pills. I just want to be left alone. Why can't you people just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! God, if I don't like you, then you'll know. Trust me. you'll know.

I just want to be free......

I hate the feeling you get on Saturdays when you're sitting at home doing nothing. I hate it! I feel so worthless and completely unloved. It's so unfair. I hate my life. I HATE IT!

Well, time to write......

sorry that i love you, sorry that i don't. sorry that you don't care for me, sorry that you won't.

jessica

6:49pm: "Hey, get a room!"
Ok, I'm in a good mood. XD

I got to school early, and I helped some people with their project on Argentina.

First period was extremely dull. 'Nuff said.

Second period was good. I wanted to sit by you-know-who, but I couldn't, so I sat between Andy and Susanne. The play was really good!

Lunch was boring.

Band was boring.

I skipped fifth period, so I hung out with Bianka, Yari, and Mina at lunch. Mina's so cool!

Anthro was stupid.

Geometry was stupid.

AND THEN, the video game thingey. Yeah, I was the only girl there, and I was the worst player. Heheh. Rich is so nice! He let me win!

Then.....yeah.

Aight, I'm done for now. More later.

Sorry for being born,

Jessica.