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Apathy

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(1 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñts | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [08 Jan 2004|05:07pm]
[ mood | quixotic ]
[ music | Nothingface - Blue Skin ]

so much pain. ouchies. ive been sick for the past..week....or than a week. i duno, all i know is that its not cool because what is a girl to do when she can barely move :(
i want my tabby... i wish she didtn have to go to her couzins so we could tlak and just lay down and..sleep. its always fun. im waiting for someone to call em back, which i doubt is going to happen.

Do you people seriously think anything will make me stop being an egotistical asshole?

You do dont you? Awww... so cute... Jinx damnit! Youre gonna learn from your mistakes! Youll be put in your place! and.. and... ROAR!
Laughter... I know where I belong and I know what I will never be, but nothing will change how I am.

so im talking to tim right now...and yeah. anyways, pooor eric has mono. haha i wonder how he could of gotten that. im loosing concentration.,,..,,im pissed. im tired. i think im going to go to bed. well lay down and wait for someone to fuckign call me.


Solve Et Coagula
...Veil your eyes from states of Ain Soph Aur...

(2 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

You finally get what you want. [12 Dec 2003|06:45am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | london after midnight ]

I'm dying...








You may now rejoice you fucking sheep people.

(Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

[06 Dec 2003|03:53pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | london after midnight ]

Somewhere deep inside you see the lie.
Your God doesn't exsist,
Neither do I.
Your life is a hoax,
Opened to the eye.
Believe it if it makes you feel good.
Believe it if it is all you can hold on to.
But the truth remains the same.
God is a LIE,
Just like your life.


my heart on the floor
you broke a thousand ties
my brain against the wall
you made a million lies
for you to say you loved me so
made my eyes run dry
filled a thousand oceans
every night i died again
my contact with you missed
if only i could see you again
with precious lips doth kissed


Something snapped in you
Now you push me away
The shove forces me to the ground
My knees skinned
More blood
More PAIN

(2 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [06 Dec 2003|01:49pm]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | Type O Negative ]

Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without



you got your own love living in your own hate

(Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

razors [27 Nov 2003|12:34pm]
[ mood | dirty ]
[ music | everyone i love is dead- type o negative ]

last night floyd and i were at nays and with ad,
it was cool..floyd found a long razor...put it in his mouth and walked to the room that i was in and he like...stuck it out..ha.. i think he didnt want them to know that we had it. i wish they had. ah..haaaa. well umm...yeah. lets say that it was interesting.. anyways...bleched my bangs..it was cool i guess, didnt really work...but eh, when i have my hair up you can kinda tell...its good..
umm adam is tellign me to not cutt myself but to lick it...but not clice my tounge....hmm..well that would suck, i dont knwo what i would do if i were to slice my tounge open...ouch..well yeah. ha..thats be alot of blood to lick up n suchness. todya so sucks ass...im going to my moms...and thata about it for the day i dont knwo if im going to matts or if im going to be stayign there or at my moms or whatenot. i miss april. she wants me to go to her house tonight
or friday night after im done hanging out with floyd. i dont know. well im going got t o get ready,
later days all

(1 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñts | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

dying in your arms [26 Nov 2003|11:48am]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | iced earth-dracula ]

i fear what i was planning on running from.
knowing..feeling the pain while being happy.
one of the best things thats occurred.
dave( father)..loathes where my happiness comes from
the way i him. hes thinking the unthinkable. in which he will
soon have me do. he yearns to watch me cry. to watch me be in pain, and sorrow.
he cant stop my love, but i know he can stop my heart. my lungs from pumping.

I swear to you - I will always be there for you -
there's nothin' I won't do
I promise you - all my life I will live for you - we
will make it through
Forever - we will be
Together - you and me
Oh n' when I hold ya - nothin' can compare
With all of my heart - ya know I'll always be - right
there

ooo how type o negative sooths me.
talking to my love,:*0..hes not talking.
i think the feelings are fading. as if we arnt one, but two..again.
i feel it. i feel him walking away..slowly.
but i guess its a good thing. if he gets hurt..id take all of his pain and add it to mine,
so he wont feel anything.. but still trying to smile and make things okay.
i want everything for him. everything but what hurts me.
im going. i have to somehow get the energy to eat.
which means im having to either stay starving and skinny,
or go to the corner and get me some food..
missing him is liek..missing what i lost.
history has repeat itself, and i will not let it repeat it again..it has to change..but not for long.

(2 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [24 Nov 2003|11:27pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | type o negative ]

..i see it over the horizon..
lots of meaning huh adam?..well.yeah. there is alot of meaning to it.
as well as everything else. everyone looks beyond the small things.
because they think it doesnt matter..
i dont understand myself sometimes.
but im off to bed to hopefully dream, where i can let my thoughts go wild.
no better place than there. later days.

goal: to pass school this card marking so i can..become a geo teacher. i looove math.

track...baseball...basketball..they revolve towards the same thing to an extent..

(Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [23 Nov 2003|11:01pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | iced earth-dracula ]

god im a dyke.
..so im confused about quite a bit of things..but, i think im strong enought to pull 115lbs out of it..unless my ass gets any bigger.
eh, im so tired right now and i took my sleeping pills a while ago so their kickin in..so well all know whats coming next, later days

(3 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [30 Oct 2003|08:36pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | iced earth-dracula ]

weekend sucked...
didnt get to see my baby until tuesday. but still. it feels like i didnt cause we were fighting a bit. and not much talking was going on or cuddling. so. yeah. tonigh tid seen my ex and he brought over our kitten. its getting so big :(

matts getting me a kitten n such. were tryign to think of a name for it. haha were thinkig about this way to much. we think about a few things way to much. :) ..but were thinking of a name like its a damn child. but well think of a good one. yay!..heh.
umm..hmm..yeah. i dont knwo what else to talk about. i miss him alot. i have a saturday the first of november.
get to wake up at 8:30. i still hope that i get to have longer than 11 oclock on halloween night.

1-800 suicide
1-800 suicide
do or die
do or die

heh..boredum
well im going to get off before my dad comes home

baby i miss you, jsut a little longer. i promise

(2 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [27 Oct 2003|08:21pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | iced earth-dracula ]

1-800-SUICIDE
Or maybe Doctor Online could help you die
You need wings to fly
You need someone
To take your place
When you are gone

1-800-SUICIDE
Or maybe Doctor Online could help you die
You need wings to fly
You need someone
To take your place
When you are gone

1-800-SUICIDE
Or maybe Doctor Online could help you die
You need wings to fly
You need someone
To take your place
When you are gone

Thank you for calling 1-800-SUICIDE
If you wish to self terminate by electric shock - press one
For termination by overdose - press two
If you would like to make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool - please press three
For termination by hanging - please press four
For death by self inflicting gunshot - press five
To speak to a representative, stay online
If you do not wish to die - please hang up now



Do you believe in heaven above?
Do you believe in love?
Don't tell a lie,
Don't be false or untrue,
It all comes back to you

It gets in your eyes,
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do
You're looking for love,
Calling heaven above...

You take the world out of my eyes
You suck the words outta my mouth

Need you like a drug
Need you like a drug
Can't make it stop
Keep fucking it up



3 good songs all from one good band, :).
well..for the weekend...lets see if i can remember.

friday...went to matts and we cleared our thoughts...bumped into adam, ashley, jims sister, and kevin. and kevin and matt called their moms to see if kevin could stay the night at matts with us and suchness...we had till 12...it was weird...ha..what was even weirder was that i was able to stay the night again. it was good. until he had to sleep up stairs. but like...around 7...or 8...he came back down stairs cause it was allright then and we slept until around 10..or 11.. dont remember...then we went upstairs and ate breakfast. yummy.

later that day to sunday...went to aprils....hahaha...cleared our thoughts...um...then we woke up..went to micky dee's to see james and to get our smokes. then we went to big boys...ate, smoked. hour later went to legends and ate...hour and a half later went to farmer jacks and got food. haha we ate so fucking much that day.
..tryign to remember what else her and i did...but nothigns coming to me...oh...we kept on goign fo walks and stuff to like..get some.."fresh" air...ha..

today..monday..didnt get to see matt cause he got in trouble with school. hopefully that will teach him.
and dang it i miss him and i feel like...im useless. i want so much for him...i want to do so much for him.
i don know how to make him happy..and i want to really bad.

well everyone left me home alone for a while...so im going to throw some pants on and take a step outside..:)
x A whore bleeds her sorrows thru lust x

(2 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [22 Oct 2003|07:21am]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | please forgive me-bryan adams ]

You represent... apathy.
You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

You represent... desire.
You represent... desire.
You sure are motivated. You have a definite knack
for getting what you want. You always put your
own interests before those of others, and you
almost always find youself being satisfied.
Though you have determination, try some
compassion. Putting others first occassionally
can get you even more satisfying relationships.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

...somehow i had a feeling that i would get these..

(5 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [21 Oct 2003|09:11am]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | get low- Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz ]

in second hour again, were suppose to be doing a project thats due friday...so i think i have enough time. though i know i wont be doing it.

i feel that somethings not right today, that somethign out of place. maybe something will happen i dont know yet, but when i do figure it out..i..will most likely be sad.then agian i could be wrong.
last night matt bought me cranberry juice ...mmmm i loved it, so i put the rest of it in my fridge, cause it was a like..a pretty bing thing of juice. all happy that in the morning i get to drink it, and its gone. my fucking damn brother drank it. so hes soooo going to get bitched at today. :( i wanted to cry. yes, over cranberry juice.

well yesterday i went to matts..it was fun. sliced tomatoes?..no we sliced my star :( we hung out with his friend adam. walked to a pizza place, and he bought us pizza. i put 50 cents towards that pizza so i feel a .000000005 better. he traded his slipknot beenie for adams bracelet thats leather(hottopic). i felt bad. lol...the freak wants and tries to get me everything i want :( then we went back to his house around 7:30..then he wasgoing to do my x cause its been a long time since its happened...and i was going to do one on him cause yeah.

then his mom called us up so we could watch his little brother jacob as his mom and step dad went for a walk. jacob is soo cute. when he was dancing to elmo i said thats what makes me want to have a kid..and..hes said he kinda wants one..=0 never have i herd another guy say that. :)

well im going to go...hopefully i get to see him today and he doesnt have to work cause itll really really suck if he does..lol. oh one more thing..everyone, you all have to try cloves, cause they are yum yum delicious and they crackle when you inhale.lol....unless i was really really blown..lol. well now im out. and heres a song thats been stuck in my head for ages!..

Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum
Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum
Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum
Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum

3,6,9 standing real fine move it to you suck it to me one mo time
Get low, Get low, Get Low, Get Low
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all you bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)

Shortie crunk so fresh so clean
can she fuck that question been harassing me in the mind
this bitch is fine
I done came to the club about 50th 11 times
now can I play with yo panty line
the club owner said I need to calm down
security guard go to sweating me now
We got drunk then a motherfucker threaten me now

She getting crunk in the club I mine she work it
Then I like to see the female twerking
taking the clothes off BUCKEY naked
ATL. Hoe don't disrespect it
Pa pop yo pussy like this
cause yin yang twins in this bitch
Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me
and we all like to see Ass and tities
Now bring yo ass over here hoe
and let me see you get low if you want this Thug
Now take it to the floor (to the floor) and if yo ass wanta act you can keep
yo ass where you at

3,6,9 standing real fine move it to you suck it to me one mo time
Get low, Get low, Get Low, Get Low
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)

Let me see you get low you scared you, scared you
Drop dat ass to the floor you scared you, scared you
Let me see you get low you scared you, scared you
Drop dat ass to the floor you scared you, scared you
Turn dat ass (EH!) shake it fast ya (EH!)
Pop dat ass (EH!) to the left and the right ya (EH!)
Turn dat ass (EH!) shake it fast ya (EH!)
Pop dat ass (EH!) to the left and the right ya (EH!)
Now back, back, back it up (Ahhh!)
a back,(Ahhh!) back, back it up (Ahhh!)
a back,(Ahhh!) back, back it up (Ahhh!)
a back,(Ahhh!) back, back it up (Ahhh!)
Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit, yeaaaa
Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit, yeaaaa
Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit, yeaaaa
Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit, wiggle wit it

3,6,9 standing real fine move it to you suck it to me one mo time
Get low, Get low, Get Low, Get Low
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)

Now give me my doe back and go get ya friend
Stupid bitch standing there while I'm drinking my hen
Steady looking at me Still asking questions
Times up nigga pass me another contestant
Hoe move to the left if you ain't bout 50th
Done talk through 3 or 4 songs already
looking at a nigga with yo palm all out
bitch I ain't even seen you dance
Twerk something baby work something baby
Pop yo pussy on the pole do yo thang baby
Slide down dat bitch
wit yo little bit then stop
Get back on the floor catch yo balance then drop
Now bring it back up clap yo ass like hands
I just wanna see yo ass drity dance
ying yang we done again
And put it on the map like annnnn

3,6,9 standing real fine move it to you suck it to me one mo time
Get low, Get low, Get Low, Get Low
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)

Got dam (Got dam) ya y'all twreking a little bit ladies
But ya got to twrek alittle bit harder then dat
now right now I need all the ladies dat know they look good tonite
(where my sexy ladies) we want y'all to do this shit like this
Bend over to the front touch toes
back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)
Bend over to the front touch toes
back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)
Bend over to the front touch toes
back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)
Bend over to the front touch toes
back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)

3,6,9 standing real fine move it to you sing it to me one mo time
Get low, Get low, Get Low, Get Low
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)
To all skee skee motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skee skee got dam (Got dam)

Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum
Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum---Brrrrrrrmmmmm
Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum---Brrrrrrrmmmmm
Brrr dum dum dum---dum da da da da dum

(Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [20 Oct 2003|07:22am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | nothing else matters ]

im a dumbass..:( im a fuck up. oohboy. he hasnt read it yet but when he does, i dont know..

Nothing else matters

So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters

yeah..its alll true actually. and i love it..it was a mistake..it happens..

(1 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñts | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [19 Oct 2003|10:18pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | nothing else matters..though..trust i seek..i do not find :( ]

so...over the weekend, friday i hung out with matt..i thin ki cant really remember..lol oh yeah him and i and joey and adam and..someone else went skating and the rink and matt and i got in a little fight..or uneasy argument, had him promise me to not do anything stupid like me, like what i did/ do, ...and i thought he would do so, and keep it. well...he broke it, cause i guess he was bored...it hurt when i found out. i wanted to go crazy do somethign stupid and cry..alot. like i am now..but..more than now cause its not much.

well saturday he had to work..8 hours..and, nay, jade, and jooooooooeee, and i went to his work to say hi to him and adam (at this time i didnt know about him breaking the promise)...after that, we went to kates house..jooooooeee and jades friends..kyle, kyle, i forget that one chicks name..and kate.. well..i got to meet louie and luci...and pip. haha they are soome grreeeaaaatt friends let me tell you. lol..they helped me with my smarts..by bringing it down to the shit level.

sunday i woke up, ha..that was interesting, went to matts, took the fake blood off his walls...mind you theres still some , lots and scratches on the back door, ha. found out he broke my promise..:( i...dont knwo if i can trust his word at the moment...and its killin me cause i love him... and well..we went to the mall, went to hottopic, he bought earings so he can peirce his lip, ear and nipple(s) i guess. i hope he does, itll be nice. then he bought me 43 dollar black boots, their really really nice:) though i cant believe he did that.. haha even if he did say it was a sweetest day present..dont worry..hes gettin pay back.went back to his house and ate some really really good grub. i liked it. then he took me home.

my over all thoughts about this weekend...confusion...i want to trust him, i think hes makin it up..but he hasnt mentioned anything about it like..let me make up for crushign your little fucke dup heart. he wouldnt really say that, but thats what it think of myself so thats what i decided to put. i didnt want to feel crushed around him cause hed know, and i dont think i could tell him. yet...i did worse than him, but i didnt promise...i hate myself..o0o my love april is on so im going to go and talk to her..

(1 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñts | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [17 Oct 2003|09:05am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | nothing...:/...the sounds of my thoughts ]

so..im in 2nd hour and joe step helped me get pass the "bess" shit so i can now do what i want when i cant get to a certian website:) thank you joe. i feel liek shit today. i can barely breathe and i dont want to eat. though last night when i wanted hot coco my dad went to the store and got some. that..got my stomach to feel better for a little bit but not for long. him and i were bitching at each other about wether or not if me staying over there every weekend is going to be an every weekend thing. i dont really want to argue with him cause im glad i get what i get now.

im still confused and thinking about life. ..i hate doing what everyone else does. it makes me feel like...so, fucked up..i need to stop thinking of this. ill start wanting to be dead. leave this rotting hell. well...im off to sleep..

(Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [16 Oct 2003|03:59pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | cold ]

fuck u all, swallow a raxor. wheres my matt?

(1 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñts | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [16 Oct 2003|03:52pm]
what do they really think of you by purple
lj name
sex
age
your best friend thinksshe loves you
your family thinkyou're a slut
strangers thinkthey wouldn't wanna cross you
Created with quill18's MemeGen!


what do they really think of you by purple
lj name
sex
age
your best friend thinksthey could kill you
your family thinkyou're a slut
strangers thinkyou're a wrestler
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

(Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [15 Oct 2003|11:41pm]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | cold ]

Tattered amoung us we crave our deaths.
Planning our suicides since the day we knew what dying was.
Sisters in life and by blood, we bound our souls to our graves.
The maroon color merges, binding us through the worst of times.
I love you Ginger...
I love you Bridget...
Dead By Sixteen
0r Dead In This Scene,
but Together Forever.

i hate the poeple that brought me here...to this...place..why do we come here to feel all this shit..to die...to feel what we once felt before we came here...to think of it as jsut a dream.to live another life..to make the same mistakes...ive ben trying to feel what i felt when i was young..
like really young. and what i felt when i wasnt born yet..why at this time. why at all..why was i created? everyoen has a purppose to be here, but..why do we feel.
i ahte the gods for bringing me to this earth to suffer. in the bible it said no suffering, and that he loves us. then why doesnt he kill us. let us go. and to dream forever.
being here...living, how is it possible. what is really out there. wha tto believe. what not to beleive. its like walking in the dark in a room full of animals..nice...or evil..i wish to jsut die so i could be a rest...finally.

i told him today. that if i wanted to dream forever...that i could, and id jsut have to stop trying and let go. and let my conditions take its course. and i could finally be free . i could watch over him. watch him everyday..every second. and finally get to be with him every second. but he told me that i couldnt stop trying. and that if i love him that i should try. and to fight it.i want to. and i love him, but, what i think of living. being torn by the two main things that i want the most. ill come back if i die, and hell find me again if it was love.
having that happen is the greatest thing alive. and i found it agian. i know the pain that he would feel if i were to die.
I wanna let my body rot on the side of a road somewhere in Texas. one of the morbid things I wish would happen to me, so that I can just die in the pain I was born in. Sin.....
Pain drives what invokes my dying spirit.
It twists with every meaningless kiss.
The dew in morning?s blanket seems dry and harsh
because the love we once had is vanishing.

A past and future sorrow lies our fate.
Time stops when you are clinging on.
Tears caress your cheeks like spikes
Piercing into your heart.

Our tight grip is weakening.
Hands that bind us together, now push us away.
Climb to a distant dark abyss
where nothing but the night can bite into your soul.

Breathing is hidden when you try to ignore the ache.
Tossing to images that scream mercy.
I long for a less dire creation,
But I view myself as not worthy.

(2 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

§pøïlð Iñ Çø©äïñe PøwÐë® [11 Oct 2003|11:47pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

uuummmm...what has been happening..

First off i got grounded from the computer n suchness. That wasnt so great.
well i dont really remember what has been happening. ive killed a bit more brain cells then i thought.
i can admit that this whole 2 months have been insane...ive went from...being hanged, burned,...heart/anxiety attack..and blood lose to increadibly happy.
theres confusion runnign thru my mind..
if hes..who i think he is. what he is.
familar faces...it cant be. but it seems.
the confusion and grief...not to mention happiness is about matt.
friday...went to his house, his mom talked to my dad...so now its actually okay with both of them
uumm...
watched ginger snaps...4..times in a row..hahahahaha..well..no..nevermind...well umm so on to saturday:
saturday morning he woke me up cause his mom told us to go down to his room cause we have to sleep up stairs..heh. then we got our shoes n suchness..and walked to 7-11 fora good walk. had a smoke..then he drove me home. he worked at 1 so that sucked...got off at 6.
i was suppose to see my mom today otherwise i would of stayed at his house with his mother n family, or waiting for him at my house. but he hung out with kevin and i stayed home. nick and his 2 friends came over around 11ish. he stole me a black cat that lights up from someones yard..so that made my night.11:30 something came and they left...
tomorrow im suppose to either hang out with matt or nick..so yeah...i duno...
and now im about to go to bed cause im exhausted.
and matt when you get a chance to read this..hhheeeeeellllllllllllloooooo bbbaaaaabbbbbBAAAA lol. i dont remember what i was going to say.
oh yeah. dont worry aobut what happened..:). i promise everything will be okay. your still alive.hahaha...and i cant die just because i have somethign of yours...well you know what i say to that?..stick my fist..lol. no, i cant die...but you would. care for some cheesecakehahaha.mmm cheesecake..now im hungry..:( one more thing matt....never..EVER are we planning out something for something like we did friday...that was fuckin...crazy..allright?...fuckin freak. lol
later fuckin days guys
jinx

(3 Iñfë§tëð ©hïlЮëñ Øf Ä §ï©k Ðë©ëä§ë Pø§t Thëï® ©ømpläïñtss | Të§t Ýøü® Imägïñätïøñ)

Spoiled In Cocaine Powder [28 Sep 2003|12:35pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | everyone i love is dead- typeo ]

well saturday i went to my friend adams ouse...at 7:40 i called james and robs, cause james told me to so we could finally chill...he wasnt home like he was suppose to :(..and rob called me tainted...again..so i didnt bother calling there agian because of the fact that hed say something else..

so i unfortunally stayed there..without chillen with jx like i wanted...anyways..then i went home.
slept..had a really weird dream..but i loved it, i had twins. they were so cute.
well...nothings else is goin on so..later fuckin days

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