Blurty for Jessica.

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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007

Time:8:40 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Music:"pigeons" - panic.
I'm glad to say since the last time I updated me and Ryan are back in full swing again. That break only lasted about a week.. and it was hardly a break. We did need it though. Now I think we're on the right track. We still squabble over the smallest things sometimes, but at least it's only small things. If it was shit that actually mattered, then it would become a problem.

I decided not to go back to school this semester. I'm going back in the fall. hopefully. I've just got to get my shit together before then. Over Christmas and through the new year I fell hard. I kind of began a downward spiral that I'm trying to get myself out of now. That's what happened to my job with Gary and college.

Now I work at Guthrie's. Two days in Sylacauga and three in Inverness. Having to wake up every morning and go to a job to actually make money for myself is a better incentive to straighten up than just bullshitting through class and knowing Mark would fund my habits. He's called me out on the coke. He knows I do it/have done it. He's going trough and not giving me as much money anymore. It sucks because I really do need gas a food and stuff, but it's good he doesn't give it to me I guess. I know I'd just get lit. I do it every time.

At least for the next few weeks or so I really really want to cut back on getting lit. Never say never, but I need to save my money. April is a huge month. Our anniversary is April 8. I want to pay for a trip to Panic in Huntsville on 4/14 for Ryan's present, plus a few extra things. I know I can do it if I just don't buy fucking cocaine everyday. We're also going to panic in Orange Beach at The Wharf on 4/27 & 4/28. My birthday is crammed right in the middle of all that motherfucking fun! 420
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Thursday, December 14th, 2006

Time:3:33 pm.
Music:"tiny dancer" - elton john.
I left the office. I had to get out. Being by myself was only making me think.. and giving me time to get sad. I went to meet Connie to ride with her to get the boys & we were going to go to wal-mart. Gary called me & I had to leave to go pick up a check from Gaston Construction. In the middle of all this, Lindsay called me.

I haven't been within 10 feet of LaFayette since panic in birmingham. That was October 15 I think. I was actually glad she called. Tarpley had just told her about me and Ryan.. and I have to admit, she had a lot of guts, and must still care about me a lot as a friend to call me. She knew I proabably needed to talk to someone. She said she wanted to hang out. That is proabably the best idea I've heard all day.

Ryan fell in love with me, Jessica. He fell in love with a girl who was her own person.. she had her friends and did what she fuck she wanted and sometimes.. sometimes he couldn't have her right when he wanted. That's who he fell in love with. That's who I was when things were perfect. I let myself go. I completely realize now that as much as I care about Ryan, I have to care about myself the same. I have to have my own life, and don't let every decision I make and every plan I make revolve around him. If I do my own thing, and have my own priorities, and so does he, it only makes sense that we care about each other enough that eventually our plans and priorities will just mesh together. It happened before. Then I got clingy.. I got scared of losing him, and that's what drove us apart. I've got to let go. let go.

he called me this morning and told me he loved me. he does. i belive him.

Tonight I've got to go to Knollwood for the boys' Christmas thing. Candlelight service I think. fun. Then I need to go with my mom to pick out fabric for her to make me some skirts. I told her that's what I wanted for christmas. A few long skirts with cool patterns and colors and shit. That would be great to wear to shows. Class is way more comfortable in skirts too. That's the only thing I don't like about winter.. it's too cold to throw on a skirt & tshirt & flip flops without freezing my ass off.

i got a paper cut. :(

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together
"better together" - jack johnson
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Time:1:03 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:"maggie may" - rod stewart.
well, we broke up. last night. I know in my heart it was what we needed. I saw it coming. I'm so incredibly tired of thinking about it. Tired of crying about it. I love him more than anything in this world, and I know if I want to keep him, staying with him right now was not the answer. If our relationship is going to work at all, this break is what we needed. That doesn't make it any easier though. He needs space. I would probably be a better girlfriend to him if I had a little space too.

I know without a doubt that me and Ryan can work. I've never been so sure of anything before in my life. I'm giving him space, and we will be back together. He loves me. He cried over me last night. He held me like he's never held me before. He promised me this wasn't the end of us. He still tells me he loves me. I know this isn't over. This will make us stronger in the end.

I don't want to get my hopes up for us to get back together.. but I really do think it will happen. If for some reason it doesn't though, I will get over it. This is either going to help us tremendously, or be a way for God to open new doors for both of us. I just want him to be happy. He's the one I love, and I want him to be happy, with or without me.

I've just got to keep myself busy. I will do that.

things to do for myself:
  • start tanning
  • get toes done
  • get hair cut & colored
  • make effort to be a better friend
  • give away what I can
  • be nice, even when I don't feel like it
  • work hard. hard.

    now, it's time for a bowl. & cigarette.
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    Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

    Time:1:13 pm.
    Mood: calm.
    Music:"sunshine of your love" - cream.
    I've always thought Wes might be gay. He's such a nice guy, but he's a little prissy. Amanda and him went out to a club the other night. She said he was really drunk, but he ended up kissing two guys. It all started because she was joking around and said she was tired of guys and was gonna become a lesbian. He joked around and said he was going to try to find him a guy if she found her a girl. Looks like he probably wasn't joking as much as she was. I mean, that's cool and all, I don't mind if Wes is gay. It's just going to be weird now if he comes out to us, or if he doesn't come out to us for that matter..

    Last night I hung our with Ryan, Tarpley, and Todd. We did the usual.. it was a time for celebration because Ryan got that job. He said he passed the drug test by peeing onto a toothpick soaked in bleach into the cup. Never thought about doing that.. but it wasn't foolproof. He was standing there while the girl tested it and she said he had slight traces of marijuana in his system. He had gotten stoned before he went to take it. He just said he used to party, but he straightened up to get this job. He starts orientation Monday.

    Now Ryan really won't be able to go to New Years. That's okay. I want Ryan to be able to go more than anybody, but if he can't, the one other person I would like to take (besides Todd) would be Crystal. I'm glad she's going now. We will have a fucking blast! I think I'm gonna get on ebay and find me a panic shirt. Like, now.

    Golden Rule sent me a check in the mail. It was dated 6/11/06 and was written for $95.94. That is a lifesaver! I never thought I would see that money again. I was freaking out about what I was going to do for the rest of the week. I'm almost out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and out of money. Then this pleasant little suprise just brightened my day.

    I'm done with school! I took my last final today.

    I just got off the phone with my mom. She's getting a divorce from Mike.. and Bo called her this morning and said he feels like they shouldn't see each other anymore. She's hysterical. I feel so bad for her. I told her to ride over this way and I'll leave work for a few minutes and smoke a bowl with her. She needs something to calm her down.

    The 61 party at Ty's is this Saturday! fun fun fun fun! Tarpley said he already had 4 orders for a shitload of shit.. and he said he's go through me, so me and Ryan can get fucked up for free, and probably make a few bucks at the same time. I got the hookup. hah.. I'm just the only girl of the group. Girls always get hooked up.
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    Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

    Time:1:02 pm.
    Mood: mellow.
    Music:"strange brew" - cream.
    Today I took my history final. I made a 58 on it, and passed the class with a 77. That's bad, but not too bad I guess.. condsidering how much I studied and how much I fucked up this semester. I'm just glad I passed. I took my psychology final last night and it was so hard. I think I passed it though. I know I passed the class. I failed my math class this morning.. by not showing up for my "final" to finish the class. There was no point in it. I'll just register for it again next semester. I can't fuck up like this again.

    Ryan got that job at Teksid. He's on his was now to take a drug test. He said he had it under control, but he wouldn't tell me what he's going to do. I trust him though. He knows how to handle this shit. Last night he hung out with Eric. It was another night that we didn't see each other. We had a wonderful weekend together. No fights, nothing went wrong, we thoroughly enjoyed each other. Then last night he kept saying he would call, and he finally did about 12 when me and Crystal were studying. It's totally cool that we do out own thing, that's fun sometimes.. I just wish he would tell me he's hanging out with his friends so I wouldn't be sitting around all night waiting on him to call. That's a normal request, right? I love him, but things are just different. If they have to be this way for us to work, that's fine with me. I just can't expect him to be there for everything, or expect to see him everyday, because I will get let down. I think the longer I play along with his whole little "space" issue, the more he'll realize he misses me and we'll be together all the time again. I miss it. I love him so much.. I just can't get enough.

    After tomorrow all my stress is done! My english final is in the morning.. and I have to study. I have no idea what to study.. and I know this test is going to be hard. I think I already have an A in there though. Hopefully. I need to call Fancy to get the pages to study and stuff.

    I got a hotel room for New Years! Quality Inn Northeast.. haha. It's only $69.99 a night. It'll be janky, but it will be a roof over our heads. Looks like with Ryan working at Teksid now, his ticket will go to Crystal. I really want Ryan to be able to go, but Crystal would be fun too. Just us and Todd, hell yeah that would will be fun.

    happy birthday pa-paw
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    Friday, December 8th, 2006

    Time:11:07 am.
    Mood: working.
    Music:stairway to heaven - led zeppelin.
    Yesterday me and Ryan didn't see each other. The night before we talked about breaking up. Well, he talked about us maybe taking a break, and I quickly shot down that idea. I told him that would be breaking up.. and that was the last thing I wanted. He told me he still loves me. Really. I believe him. I know he doesn't want this to end. It just can't keep going the way it has been. I hate fighting with him, and it's going to stop.

    This morning I brought him breakfast in bed. He wasn't answering his phone, and I had to have some sort of something before I went to work. I had no idea if he never wanted to talk to me again, or if he was just asleep. Breakfast in bed was nice though. He was thoroughly pleasantly suprised. He asked me to bring him breakfast in bed Wednesday morning. He got it today. I wanted to go eat lunch with him, but I think he's chopping fire wood.
    I think we'll be ok. We both don't want this to end.. and I'm doing everything possible to fix our problems.

    I think I'm going to have a blood glucose test.. or something. I really think I might be borderline hypoglycemic. That may be why I act like shit sometimes, and feel like shit most all the time.

    Yesterday I went shopping with ma-maw and connie. I got a free people shirt & sweater, and some lucky jeans. I also got a bra. I needed a new one. Had to go a cup size up. I'm fucking almost 19 years old and my boobs are still growing? I guess that's normal. I have to wait until Christmas to wear my clothes. uugghh.

    I also got into a fight with my dad yesterday. On the phone, and through Connie. It was the worst fight we've had in a couple of years probably. He pretty much told me, through connie & ma-maw, that I am responsible for making money and paying for every single christmas present I buy this year, for everybody.. and if I wanted to go to school next semester I have to figure out a way to pay for it because he's not. How shitty is that? I'm sorry, but I fucking have a job and I'm still only 18. It's not my responsibility. I'm still living at home and he helps support me. That's the deal. I worked my ass off to get that scholarship and he's fucking lucky he didn't have to pay for this semester. It's not like I wanted to lose it. I tried. honestly. I'm pretty sure he'll come around, and pay for my shit.. only becuase it seems like I'm spoiled. I just want to be able to show him I can do it myself. I'm going to start working more. makin moolah!

    too independent.. and too stubborn.

    And as we wind on down the road
    Our shadows taller than our soul.
    There walks a lady we all know
    Who shines white light and wants to show
    How everything still turns to gold.
    And if you listen very hard
    The tune will come to you at last.
    When all are one and one is all
    To be a rock and not to roll.
    led zeppelin - stairway to heaven
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    Wednesday, December 6th, 2006

    Time:1:26 pm.
    Mood: satisfied.
    Music:"one sweet world" - dave matthews & tim reynolds.
    I slept on the floor last night. On my bed. My bed now sits on the floor. Crystal broke it.. just by sitting on it. It was quite funny. She broke it pretty good. I kind of like it on the floor though. It adds a little character to my room. It's comfortable too. Easy access to the floor. And now I'm priveleged enough to have the ability to set things not only on my cluttered nightstand, but on the fucking floor!

    I say I slept in my room last night, but only for a few hours. I slept at Ryan's last night and woke up at 4:20 and came home. It was a sign.

    I got fucking stoned before I came into work today at 1. I just called the payroll company and turned in everybody's hours. I fucking forgot to add up the totals or MY fucking hours.. until the lady was (thankfully) nice enough to remind me that I didn't say everyone's. I felt so stupid when I realized she was talking about me. I have 13 hours on this check. That's not much, but it's better than the 10 I'm used to getting.

    I aready want some fucking food. I just ate my leftovers from the grill yesterday.. and I'm already hungry again. (imagine that.) I'm already so bored. I have to stay until 4:30 anyways. I added that much to my hours this week.

    I may go get gas, and maybe some food. Ryan left me $3 in my car last night. He's so sly like that. Always swapping his pack of cigarettes with mine, if he has more. Or like last night, leaving all his change he got back from the girl at the sonic.. always without me realizing it. Always. I never realize he does that shit until, seriously, like a day later. He's so good to me, in the strangest ways. hah.

    Gary gave Connie a Bose iPod docking station for her birthday. It played enormous beautiful quality sound. All she got from me was a stupid looking Alabama Santa ornament and an Alabama game-day cook book. I bet all the food tastes bad. war damn eagle!

    I have a hitsory test tomorrow at 8am. I haven't studied yet. I am though. Definately. I have to make a good grade on this test and my final next week to pass the fucking class. I'm already failing one. Two is too many.

    Today should be good. I'm going to be satisfied.
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    Tuesday, December 5th, 2006

    Subject:I'm in repair
    Time:1:59 pm.
    Mood: stressed.
    Music:"bold as love" - jimi hendrix.
    Today I had lunch with my dad at Marble City Grill. It was yummy! It was also nice to sit and talk with my dad.. without his phone ringing or us being interrupted in some way. I know he doesn't mean to always be preoccupied, but he is. Now with Carol in our lives, and her whole damn family living with us it seems like, he definately is that much more preoccupied. I was used to it just being me and him... for 12 years. That long living with just a man, then all of a sudden in the past year and a half everything did a 360. Now I have aother guy in the house plus two girls. That's something huge for me to adapt to, especially when I hate change.

    I'm not going to finish my math class. That probably means I'll lose my scholarship. That shit sucks. I really don't know how to pay for my school. This whole semester falling apart is completely my fault. I fucked up and didn't do my shit and didn't study lr go to class.. it's my fault. Last night I lost it with Ryan. We had another fight.. as usual, it seems like. I ended up crying harder than I ever have before in front of him. I lost it. I remember dropping to my knees in the middle of his floor with my face inside my hands, crying a river it felt like. I couldn't stop. I thought for a minute I might begin to have a panic attack. That's how I felt. I think last night Ryan finally understood. I blame him, I do. In some ways. I find things to pin on him that I blame on triggering my breakdowns. I mean, the things he does do trigger them, but they're not the cause. I think he finally understood that he's not going to understand. It's something wrong with me, and all he needs to do is be there for me and comfort me.

    I hate feeling like this. I just keep thinking in a couple of weeks it will all be over with. School will be over. I'll have closure on all these fucking first semester classes. I'll have a few weeks off. Christmas will come and go. Then there's New Years. If that doesn't make me happy, I guess I'm depressed for good. I used to be so happy. All the time.. about everything, even if it wasn't something to be happy about. I would find the fucking silver lining. I hate that I can't do that anymore. I forgot how. I don't mean to blame Ryan, or put him in the middle of all my bullshit, but it makes me love him and respect him that much more that he's more than willing to go through the fire for me. Last night I told him I understood if he doesn't want to put up with all this.. I understood if he wanted to get out. Hell, I probably would. He told me there is no place on earth he would rather be. I love him so much.

    Today is Connie's birthday. She turns 48 I think. I love her too. ((always have to steal my kisses from you))
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    Sunday, December 3rd, 2006

    Subject:how cool are you, hambone?
    Time:12:41 pm.
    Mood: awake.
    When I woke up just a few seconds ago.. I was laying in bed and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Mark brought me a cinnamin roll. How nice!? It kind of made my stomach hurt though. I hate always waking up and feeling nauseaous. I need to go smoke a bowl. I'm too lazy for that shit though. Hell, I didn't even get out of bed to get on the internet..

    Last night we fucking did the shit again. I really didn't want to. Ryan was really drunk though, and everyone else that was there, besides Crystal, was doing it. Even after he got some, I was planning on saying no, but when I walked in the room there was already one cut out for me, so I did it anyways. That only led to a few more.. we didn't get much. That was completely fine with me though. I was at home, in bed, and fast fucking asleep by 3:30. I don't know what time Ryan finally went home.

    We had a really good weekend together. Each night was special.. sort of. Friday we just genuinely had a nice time enjoying each other. Last night we went to Marble City Grill and ate dinner and hung out at the bar for a few hours. We watched the Christmas parade out the front store window. It was real old-school. fun stuff. I had the chicken & cheese quesadillas. yumm!

    Crystal finally got a cell phone yesterday. I think she is the only person I knew that didn't have means of communiction... and she kind of needed it the most. Good thing she got that shit then, I guess.

    I need to take a shower.. I'm just ready to see Ryan though. I just talked to him and I think he just wants some alone time today.. or something like that. I just got the impression he wanted to lay around all day by himself, and later me come over. That's fine.. just boring. Mark and Carol are decorating for christmas. Putting up trees and shit. Looks good, I just hope they aren't planning on me helping. I don't really like decorating. Shit, get me dressed and stoned, I might help. I think I'm gonna get all fucked up on pain pills today. that might be fun.

    I have to write my in-class final essay for english 101 tomorrow at 9:25 sharp. uuggghhh!
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    Saturday, December 2nd, 2006

    Subject:christmas parade day
    Time:2:13 pm.
    Mood: content.
    Music:"waiting on the world to change" - john mayer.
    Well, we did get some girl last night. We also somehow managed to laugh a lot too though. That's all I wanted. We went out to eat at John's with Carly, Jason, Daniel, and his girlfriend, Jennifer. It was fun. We were all going bowling in Talladega, but Tarpley called Ryan to see if he could get him some before we left town. We did, and Jason became a bitch and said he wasn't even trying to do that.. even though we weren't either.. and they fucking left us. We just got some for ourselves since we were already over there and hung out with Tod all night. I love that motherfucker. I think I finally got to sleep around 6:30 or 7 this morning.

    I was talkin shit and started talking to Tod about my emotional/chemical imbalances.. since he's a nurse and all. I fucked up and said that since I've been on birth control, to act like I used to with Ryan I sometimes just have to fake it.. all the way. That's sooo not the word I needed to say. I mean, sometimes it is faked, but most of the time I just have to consciously try. I love him. I truly did have a good time with him last night. He's so perfect for me.

    The Christmas parade is tonight! yay.. christmastime! I want to go. With my wonderful boyfriend.

    I dropped a whole box of Rice Crispies in the kitchen floor a few minutes ago. It's okay though.. me and Sandy got that shit up.
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    Friday, December 1st, 2006

    Time:6:22 pm.
    Mood: happy.
    Music:"slow dancing in a burning room" - john mayer.
    I just got off the phone with Jaime! He's such a darlin! I sent him a text message saying I was mad cause he didn't call when he came home for Thanksgiving. I think he's still in Chicago. He comes home Dec. 21 for 14 days and he said I would be the first person he called. I really do miss him a lot. We were really good friends before he went off into that navy bullshit.

    Ryan just called. I didn't answer. omg.. how awful. I just really wanted to get on the internet for a sec before I went to his house. I waited all fucking day long for him to be home and now he can wait just a second for me. Tonight better be fun. As far as I know, there are no plans.. but I want to do something fun. Not get lit.. for sure, just have some good fun and fucking LAUGH! haha. Let's all just laugh tonight.

    I'm in such a good mood. weird. For no reason at all.. I've even been completely drug free today. Only 3 cigarettes so far, on top of that. Go me! haha...

    My family made me happy today. I just hung out with them.. I love it. weird

    Pain throws your heart to the ground
    Love turns the whole thing around
    No, it won't all go the way it should
    But I know the heart of life is good
    john mayer - "the heart of life"
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Friday, November 24th, 2006

    Time:2:24 pm.
    Mood: disappointed.
    Last night me and Ryan had a fight. It was an actual fight. Like, the only time I can ever say we have gotten into a fight. I broke down.. again. I ended up explaining everything the best way I could. I told him Monday when he came home was probably one of the best days I've ever had with him. It was because I felt like he wanted to be with me.. he wanted to kiss me and hold me and not let me go. He wanted to be around me.. and enjoyed my presence. He told me maybe we were spending too much time with each other. He may be right.. I do see where he's coming from.. but every time we're apart all I want is to be with him.

    I'm so fucking paranoid and insecure that I feel like if he remembers enough how much fun he had being single.. he may get tired of me. It's almost like the more I want things to fucking work, the more I feel like I'm pushing him away. I just care so damn much. I love him more than I've ever loved anybody.. if I've ever really loved anybody this way. hands down.. he's the best thing to ever happen to me.

    Yesterday was thanksgiving. It was okay.. except for the fight. We had a good day. Made it everywhere no later than 1 1/2 hours late. My family might have gained a little faith in me.. maybe. I didn't do anything suspicious and I honestly wasn't fucked up. I sure got fucked up the night before though. Me, Crystal, & Blake went to Birmingham together. I got some Sperry's. When we got home we just picked up a g and got fucked up. It was the fattest g I've seen in a while. It wasn't too bad too. That's what I want to do tonight. Maye since Ryan just called and said he was going riding with Jason (knowing how fucking bored I am & how much I would love to hang out with them) he'll get real drunk real soon, so by the time they get back and decide it's been long enough.. they're forced to call me.. they'll be ready to get some lit. damnit. It almost seems not worth it when I look at it that way.

    I actually do value myself. I like myself. I think I'm a good person. The only thing that makes me insecure is the one person I fucking love more than anything. It's to the point where it really, really bothers me and he knows that.. and he still doesn't understand, and thinks it's no big deal and I'm just crazy. Oh, he loves me though. How fucked up is that?

    With everything ahead of us
    We left everything behind
    But nothing that we needed
    At least not at this time
    And now the feeling that I’m feeling
    Well it’s feeling like my life is finally mine
    With nothing to go back to we just continue to drive

    Without you I was broken
    But I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
    Jack Johnson - "Broken"
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

    Time:1:55 pm.
    Mood: happy.
    Music:classic rock radio.
    I took that drug test for Gary this morning. I passed. I'm almost sure. I got this guy I graduated with tho piss for me. When I walked in the door of the office this morning I handed Gary my paper showing him that I went.. and he told me that if I would have come in today without have taken it, he would have fired me. That's harsh. He then proceeded to tell me that he didn't make me do it just because I work for him.. but because Ryan looks like "he smokes some dope." That is complete bullshit. He not only judged me, his own niece, because I date Ryan.. but he judged Ryan by the way he looks. It makes me so utterly furious that my own fucking uncle could think he has that kind of right.. to fucking think it's any of his damn business anyways. If he only thinks I smoke pot.. he knows there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In this line of work.. and my college lifestyle anyways.

    It pisses me off even more that I am forced to lie to everyone about my life. I mean, my dad knows I smoke.. and I'm in general not afraid of drugs and new lifestyles.. new concepts.. but with me passing this drug test and getting noticably pissed when I had to take it.. I guess I kind of gave the impression that I don't do drugs and I'm offended by my family not expecting me to pass. It actually doesn't offend me at all. Deep down I kind of like them thinking I have more guts to rebel a little more than they did. I'm just forced to give the impression that I don't do drugs.. and I don't like them thinking I do. It's almost not fair. With everyone else, I embrace them thinking that I'm different. It feels good knowing you're not like everyone else. It's like.. my family thinks I'm slipping away, and growing apart from them, but really all it is is that they won't let me let them in. If I knew without a doubt that they wouldn't judge me, and even if they didn't accept the things I did, they could still accept me for who I am, and love me unconditionally, I would be so close with them. I wouldn't have to lie, and put up that brick wall between us.

    It feels so bad to say that if I told my family the truth they would treat me differently, but they would. Except for my dad. What I have let him in on, he doesn't like, but he loves me. I'm sure the rest of my family would be that way eventually, but they always have to be so right, there's no way they could ever look at things from my side. I can't even stand up for a point with them. They break me. wow.. I never realized it until now. They don't give anyone a chance to be right. They just don't even allow that thought.

    Ryan came home yesterday! Well, Sunday night, but his car broke down in Bay Minette and T-Roy had to go get him. They didn't get in town til about 4am Monday. Yesterday was one of the best days I've ever had with Ryan. We missed each other so much and we so thoroughly enjoyed each other yesterday it was crazy. I love him more than anything in this world. Him being home has just made everything else go away. All of my other problems and things that should be gettin me down.. aren't there. He takes away everything that's bad.. I want to be with this motherfucker for the rest of my days. for sure.
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    Friday, November 17th, 2006

    Time:12:35 pm.
    Mood: nervous.
    Music:"welcome to the cruel world" - ben harper.
    I have a problem. I just got back from the clinic. I had to take a drug test for Gary. He called around 10:30 and told me to go to the clinic sometime this morning to take a "random" drug test for the company. Hell yeah that thing was random. For sure. It's just like him to know for sure I do drugs and pull some shit like this on me and not give a fuck. He knows I'm smart and responsible and the things I do at night and on the weekends have no effect on his fucking company. He knows I don't let any of my habits interfere with him or his/my family either. I'm a good girl.. I just like to do bad things sometimes. hah.. there's no fucking telling what I would fail for. thc, cocaine, opiates.. and lord knows what all has been in the past few beans I've eaten.. oh yeah, & that pill I ate the other night could very possibly show up on a drug test as heroin. hahah. that would not be good.

    Jason is a lifesaver. He easily could have saved my whole ass for the drug test, but instead he bought me until Monday. He was the first person I called. He had some synthetic piss that had worked for him before. I drove up to his house and got it. I used it at the clinic and it worked. Well, the nurse believed it was my piss. That's as far as we got. I used all he gave me, but it wasn't enough. The nurse said I had to fill two little cylinders, and I only "urinated" enough for one. I didn't have any more though.. so I just told her I had to be somewhere at 12 and I just couldn't pee anymore. She told me to come back on Monday if I could. So.. that gives me until Monday to figure something out.

    the first thing I did when I left that place is get high

    Ryan just called and he actually made me feel a little better. He reminded me that Todd could probably help me out thinking of a solution, and Katie, Marc's girlfriend could piss for me. She's clean. I need to call Todd anyway and ask him if he still wants to buy New Year's tickets with us tomorrow. My dad is bringing me home the money from Birmingham today to put in my account. I can't forget to remind Jason about it too.

    I'm so sick and fucking tired of not having any money. I'm even more tired of asking Mark for money. He doesn't treat me like a child.. and I love that about our relationship. So I hate it when I have to act like a child and break down and tell him I can't take care of myself and I can't make a fucking paycheck last through a weekend. Mine today won't last me past 5 minutes of cashing it. Good thing Mark's bringing me some money I guess.

    All I want to do now is go home and get a shower. AND EAT! McDonald's! yuuummm..I guarentee Gary Mitchell won't have me working for him very much longer today. And I guarentee he will fucking pay me for working until at least 4 too. I need another job.. just not fucking waiting tables.. ugh. I want a new, real, easy, pay-lots-o-money, job.
    Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

    Subject:so tired
    Time:10:08 am.
    Mood: lazy.
    Music:"glory and consequence" - ben harper.
    I just woke up at 9:41 and had to be here at work at 10. I look like shit. I haven't even had a shower since Wednesday night. Last night I was asleep by 5:30. I think I got caught up on all my sleep. Jason called around 2am to tell me he's having a party tonight on his land. That should be fun. Getting fucked up with people I'm used to getting fucked up with. He had called earlier to ask if I wanted to go bowling last night. I was asleep though. Bowling.. bowling? how random.

    I am so motherfucking ready for Ryan to come back home.

    I should start my period today. Or sometime soon. I should have Wednesday.. and it just keeps lingering on. I'm just ready to start so I can get that shit over with.. especially before Ryan gets home :)

    I think I'm only getting paid for 10 1/2 hours this week. That sucks so bad. I might only be left with about $20 after all my debts have been paid. That's ok though. I'll make do. I don't even think I want to get lit tonight. Tomorrow though, that may be another story. I was kind of thinking of getting drunk. That thought quickly left my head though. Alcohol.. uggh! I hate it. Everything about it. I would definately need some lit for that.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Thursday, November 16th, 2006

    Subject:nothing's real
    Time:1:03 pm.
    Mood: high.
    Music:little lilly -wp.
    I up and decided to take two gravities right before I came to work. so random. I stayed at Crystal's last night. Well, this morning. I didn't end up falling asleep until we had to be up at 7. We skipped class and decided sleep was better.. since we could finally get some. It seems like I've stayed awake so many hours the past 8 days.. and stayed constantly pretty fucked up.. everything feels like it happened so unbelieveably long ago I can't remember it. Like.. yesterday? What the fuck happened? Ohh.. I kind of do remember now. I wrote my paper all morning long.. then took it to Alex City and came back and proceeded to fuck myself all up. Til.. this morning. Now, I'm at fucking work. I need Ryan back. uugghh I want him back! He told me yesterday that he might not be back until Thanksgiving. That's a whole 6 days away! I miss him so damn bad I almost can't handle it sometimes. That's why I've stayed so fucked up. I mean, I've been bored too.. but I need Ryan here. If he was here, I wouldn't do most of the things I've done.

    I need to clean my car out. Like, now. I have to pick up the boys frmo school at 2:50, but there's shit all in my car just sittin out that they don't need to see. Connie left me $20 to get us something to eat. I really hope I have money left over, because it's gonna be pushin it making it to knollwood and getting food without running out of gas. I'm flat broke. Hell, I'm in the hole $56.. uugghhh, for shit I've already done. That sucks so bad.

    New Years tickets go on sale Saturday! yay!

    it's only real if you believe
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

    Subject:so much time
    Time:9:16 pm.
    gosh I've been so bored today it seems like all I've done is look at the same fucking websites over and over and write in this damn thing. It makes me feel better though. I did decide to ride around and smoke a bowl. This cheesecake creme brulee is fucking a w e s o m e ! Ryan called when I was riding around. They just got back from the Mellow Mushroom, eating pizza and drinking beer, and he's apparently the only one not shit faced. He said he might be about to go get drunk somewhere by himself and leave them to pass out. rookies. It's like, the fact that him going out by himself in Foley seems like it should bother me, kind of makes me wonder.. but I'm honestly not worried at all. I do completely trust him. That's really saying something. For me, and for him.

    Tarpley just called me and wanted to hang out. Sure, he didn't know Ryan wasn't in town and that his cell phone was back on.. but it made me feel good. As much as I don't like Tarpley, I actually do like that motherfucker a lot. Todd though, he's my favorite. besides Jason.. well, in a different way.

    sleep sounds good.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Time:7:40 pm.
    Mood: stressed.
    Music:emeril lagasse.
    I feel horrible!! The one fucking night that all I honestly want to do is go to sleep.. I have more shit than ever to do. I'm even fine with going to sleep right now and not even smoking a bowl or a cigarette. That's how bad I feel. Now I have a fucking 4 page paper to write before 3pm tomorrow. I'm really tempted to leave the whole thing until tomorrow. I can go to the office and just knock it out.

    I miss Ryan so much it's terrible. I think that may be one of the reasons I don't feel so good. I love him more than anything in this whole fucking world. I wish he was laying right here beside me. so bad. I wish he could wrap his arms around me right now and tell me everything will be okay. How come all this stress comes when he's gone? He's the only person who can actually make me comfortable. I love him so much it hurts.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Time:1:27 pm.
    Mood: tired.
    I feel like ass. Pure ass. Ryan left to go to Foley, Al yesterday to work all week. I mean, at least he's working. That's great. But all the way in Foley, all week! I'm already going crazy. I miss him so much and it's only been one day. Yesterday me and Crystal got about 2g. hah, I actually called Jason to call Lisa for me. He did it. He understood too about the whole Ryan thing. He told me he didn't want me telling him he did that for me.. and I questioned him. Turns out we have the same viewpoint on it. That's really comforting.. and makes me feel like not such a bad person.

    I think I might be getting a cold or something. I don't know.. it's probably everything catching up to me. I don't like it though. I slept through both classes this morning. uuggghh! I have a research paper due tomorrow at 3pm and I haven't started. I'm so hungry for some good food, and all I have is $1 to my name. I got some good pain pills yesterday that I think I can make some good money off of. They're supposed to be about 10x stronger than heroin. Wow, that kind of makes me sound crazy wild. I was so fucked up last night around 2 that I took a 2mg. I just nibbled on it until it was gone. Honestly.. they're fucking worth so much money. If I didn't get them for free I would buy em for sure. I'm going to try to sell 9 to Joey for $100. I think it's very possible. Gah, that money would help me out so much. I swear the only drug I would get with it would be weed. . until Friday I guess.

    All I want to do is go to fucking bed! With a southern style chicken sandwich in my hand. . and Ryan beside me. I miss him! 3-4 more days. I can handle it.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Saturday, November 11th, 2006

    Subject:44 hours
    Time:4:45 pm.
    Mood: drained.
    I may be going crazy. I hate fucking breaking down. Especially with Ryan. I know don't come across as sincere as I really am.. I know when words come out of my mouth they sound totally different than how they sounded in my head. It makes the meaning change. I know this. I hate it. I hate it so bad I don't know what to do.. and I don't know how to change it. It has never really caused me a problem.. until I met the one person who I want to know my true feelings the most. It's not only that I want it.. it's vital that he understands my true intentions. oh, my love, I come to you with best intentions

    I can't stand playing games with Ryan. Or him playing games with me. We should be past that bullshit. In every other aspect, we are.. but we just don't fucking understand each other.. and it makes me so unbelieveably sad. I want to be able to look at him from across a room & he know exactly what I'm thinking. I want him to be able to sense when something is wrong.. which he actually does do pretty well already. I want Ryan to know me inside and out.. and know the exact truth.. everytime. I want to fucking get over myself and accecpt that he LOVES ME. For me. Not for anything or anybody else. As much as I love him, there's a great possibility he loves me just as much. Hell.. he does put up with my bullshit. I don't know if I would still be around if I were him. I would think I was a crazy bitch. definately. I love him with every ounce of anything I have in me. So much I could cry. ::hah, imagine that. me, crying?::

    I think I figured out maybe one reason I seem to go crazy on days like today. Especially today. For example, I was up from 9:30 thursday morning until 5:30 this morning. That's like.. 44 hours I guess. I think on weekends, and like the past few days.. getting lit just takes every emotion I have in my body away from me. Then when I finally get them back, like today.. the first thing that could possibly spark any change in my emotions just makes them go wild. I can't help it. There's absolutely no stopping it. No matter how hard I try or how bad I need to keep my fucking tears to myself, they just stream down my face. I can usually keep the breaking the fuck down under control until the second I'm by myself. I hate it so much. Maybe I should just not get lit all the fucking time. I've always said and I still completely believe that drugs can be done recreationally, and they're not a problem until they've become a problem. As much as I don't want to say it, I guess it's become a problem for me. Not like an addiction, but the effects have become a problem for me.

    All I can say for sure right now about anything is that I need to get myself together. I need to figure out what the fuck I need to do to make myself better. Absolutely nothing is worth losing Ryan over. Especially me going fucking crazy. I can stop this. I can get it together.. I've just got to do it. Ryan is way to special to lose him over something this fucked up.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Blurty for Jessica.

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