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I WANTED TO BE THERE FOR YOU. [14 Mar 2005|12:26pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Underoath "While The Sun Sleeps" ] Basicly all Ive been doing is hard labor for Deterdings. That took up all of my time this week. The new kid Anthony started Friday and he asked me "why I kept staring at him", which I wasnt. And then I said "do you want me to look the other way?" and he said "no, i like it when you stare at me." Woooaaahhh.. Anyway, Saturday was Dad's birthday so I wished him a Happy Birthday and then I had to get ready for work so I played the Used all throughout the house. I decorated my cake and then headed to work. Anthony never showed up to work, which was odd. After work, I walked to Rite Aid for Ashlee to get here cologne for Anthony. I ended up getting her Axe and a card for Kyle. Dad and Mom left to go out to eat for Dad's birthday so I decided to walk up to Kyle's to see where he was. I got there and his mom told me he's in jail for 30 days now, and once again my heart sunk. I miss so incredibly bad and I cant imagine what hes going through. I want to be there to encourage him and tell him hes loved. Anyway, Sunday I woke up and got bitched at for just no reason. He was yelling about my grades, my room, blah blah blah. I basicly just rolled my eyes and told him maybe it would be better if I killed myself. He said if Im not strong, go ahead. Thats pretty discouraging for a daughter to hear. Monday I came to school and talked to Anthony. He got another job that pays $8 an hour so he quit Deterdings. That sucks because I was looking forward to working with him. imissyou ♥ ♥ Sue. post comment

OFFICIALLY PARTIALLY BLONDE =/ [09 Mar 2005|12:13pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Music That Reminds Me Of KYLE ♥ ] Yesterday after school I had to go to Mr. Ferrante's office with Matt, but no luck again with having the meeting with him. Me and Sherrie left and went home. Later I had her put highlights in my hair (blonde) which is definately not my color. They came out really bright so I have to live with this disaster for a while. Afterwards, I ate dinner and then went upstairs and layed in bed. I tried calling Kyle, but his cell phone if off. I miss him so much. Im so worried about him and I need to see him. =( Anyway, I called Bryt and talked to her for a little bit because I was falling asleep on the phone. Basicly my night. Todays going to be horrible because I have to work the one day sale. Its going to be crowded as fuck so that should be fun as always. IMISSYOU ♥ ♥ Sue. post comment

GOD I MISS YOU ♥ [08 Mar 2005|12:19pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | The Early November "All We Ever Needed" ] Friday I had to work so there was really nothing to that day. After work, I went home and called Camden Jail, but they said that Kyle wasnt there so I didnt know what to do. Saturday I didnt end up going to the jail. I called Bryt and we decided to go to the auction. We caught the bus and walked around for hours. We got these hott belts for $5 and Bryt also got this wicca spell called Attract A Lover, but she lost it in the arcade after getting 2nd place in the motorcycle game. We left at about 7:30 and we caught the bus, perfect timing. We were going to go home, but we decided to go to the diner. On our way off of the bus, the bus driver told us if we wanted to ride the bus from the auction to the CVS on the pike it would be $1.55. He was just being a jerk beccause we were talking about riding the bus all the way until we found out it stops at the Patco Station. We went in the diner and ordered cheese fries, but we couldnt finish them. For some reason, we were both thinking about Chris and Matt the whole day and we kinda hoped to see them. Thats basicly all we were talking about, old memories. She asked me if I transferred the feelings I had for Chris to Kyle, and I said "yes" because in the beginning I did, but then I realized that I really do care for Kyle, and I think everyone can tell that my heart is devoted to him. Anyway, afterwards, we went to Burger King and got on the computers. We saw that JD was online and since he is 21, we figured we could get alcohol out of him? He picked us up and we went to go play pool. On our way in, we saw Flee and she said "Long time, no see." Seriously, we all dont like each other so why even bother talking to each other? It was me and Bryt against JD, and me and Bryt won! On our way to victory, I cut myself, LOL. I was actually pretty happy because I won the last game. Then in the car, Bryt suggested we get alcohol so we went to Cherrywood Liquor and he got us Smirnoff Green Apple Twisted. Me and Kyle went there together and he got the same exact stuff for me so I was thinking about him. We drove around and we went to my house so we could get the Used Cd and then we went back to Bryt's. We got in and her grandma went to sleep and we brought the alcohol in. We started drinking and then she came out so we hid it, but she went right back to sleep. Soon after, me and Bryt got drunk and since were both on anti-depressants it intensifies the effect. I thought of Kyle and called his voicemail all drunk and left a message claiming that I missed him about 3x. I feel pretty stupid about it now, but thats how I feel. In the morning, I woke up with a headache so I drank some water and aspirin. At about 2, I went home and went to work. Pretty boring actually. The whole day I had a hangover. Monday, HSPAs again, lame as fuck. After school, I saw Bryt walking and she had to go to Deterdings so I went with her. She got Shari to buy her ciggarettes and then I had to go home and get ready for work because I was due back in 20. The whole day people kept coming in smelling like weed and such. Pretty funny. Later, Dave Edmounds came in and he saw a sign and claimed discrimination and he got the manager. I just kept telling him to get out cause he was just trying to show off. Later I went home and left Kyle a voicemail saying that Im here for him and I dont want anything to change between us. I took a shower and then went to bed at about 1. ALL I EVER NEEDED WAS LOVE AND LOVE AND HAPPY AFTERNOONS WATCHING TV FROM YOUR ROOM WHILE YOUR LAYING IN MY ARMS ♥ IMISSYOUBABY ♥ ♥ Sue. post comment

ILL HOLD YOU WHILE TEARS FILL OUR EYES ♥ [04 Mar 2005|12:00pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | Underoath "Reinventing Your Exit" ] Yesterday after my administrative I went to get my paycheck. I made a lot more than I thought I was so that was good. I called Bryt's house and her grandma said that her and Jess were going to the mall so I got Dad to drive me up there. I waited for about an hour and a half for them. While I was waiting, I went in Joyce Leslie and found this cute shirt. I found them at Auntie Anne's with Jeff and his girlfriend was also there. We stood there for a while and then we later went back to PacSun to get my sneakers. I wanted to get the black and pink DC's, but Bryt said that she claims it or whatever because pink is her color or whatever. I ended up getting the black and blue ones, which Im really happy with. I was going to get the white and silver ones, but they only had it in a size 9. We went to the food court and sat there for like 10 minutes and then we went to Salad Works so we could break Bryt's $20. We got on the bus and I got in at about 7:30. I took a shower and went to bed at about 10. I didnt even bother calling Kyle because now I know his situation. I feel so bad because theres nothing I can do for him and I want to so badly. I was thinking of going to visit him at jail tomorrow. I was maybe going to ride the train with Jordan because he said he could visit his Dad and I want to show Kyle that Im here for him. I dont know what Im doing about it yet, but Im pretty sure that I want to go there and see him because he probably does need someone to reassure him that everythings going to be okay. ♥ Sue. post comment

I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE. [03 Mar 2005|01:07pm] [ mood | sympathetic ] [ music | NorthStar "For Members Only" ] Tuesday after school I saw Bryt walking so I went to go meet her. She asked me to go to her doctor's with her and that was at 5:30 so we just chilled until then. At about 5 we started walking up there and we stopped at Wawa to get cappuchinos. When we got to her doctor's we noticed that their building the new Super Wawa so we got excited. We walked in her doctor's and her doctor was just chilling in the waiting room. It went by fast. He prescribed her Lexapro again and then we went to Rite Aid to get it. We waited in there for an hour. We looked at cards, hair color, etc... We left and got to her house at about 7. We ate dinner and watched NCIS. At about 8:45 my Dad called and asked me to come home so I went home at about 9. Yesterday I took the HSPA's for the first time and I fucking hated it. They got my birthday wrong and such. It was easy, but it was still stressful. After school, I went home and took a nap until 6:30. I got up and got ready because I swore that I was going to go to Kyle's. I waited for the bus for about a half an hour and then I got off at the Wawa and walked the rest of the way. When I got there, his mom answered the door and she told me that he got arrested Saturday afternoon so hes in jail. Hes in there for 10 days so he gets out Tuesday. I feel so bad for him. His mom said that hes not going to be living there anymore so I guess hes going to live with his Dad. No matter what Im going to be here for him when he needs someone to depend on because I care for him and Im not going to leave his side. I hope he knows that. Today I had to take the HSPAs again and they were really stressful. I was talking to Anthony in first period because he sees me walking when hes driving to school or something. We talked about him working at Deterdings and stuff too so thats cool. I have to serve an administrative today because of that incident that happened in Mr. Lee's class so this is going to be a fun day... ♥ Sue. post comment

AND WILL YOUR LOVE KEEP BURNING BABY? [01 Mar 2005|12:17pm] [ mood | worried ] Yesterday was a bore. I came to school and talked to Jess in between periods. She really cant stand school anymore and I bet shes going to drop out, which means I will be left alone to graduate. In lunch some stupid African American (to put it nicely) spilled ketchup all over my jeans and Kyle's hoodie. It wasnt so much the jeans I was pissed about, but the hoodie because its Kyle's. You dont fuck with that hoodie! After school, I went home, put in a quick wash and got ready for work since I only had 10 minutes. It was kinda slow, but it was cool because Adam and Anthony were there. We closed early at 10 because of the bad weather. I went home and tried calling Kyle, but his phone wasnt on again. Im really worried now because his phone is always on. I miss him like crazy and I just want to talk to him and hear the sound of his voice. I also need to talk to him about what happened between us Saturday morning and to see if he still feels the same way. Hopefully he does. ♥ Sue. post comment

COMFORTABLY CONFUSED IN YOU ♥ [28 Feb 2005|12:32pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | The Early November "All We Ever Needed ] Saturday I tried calling Kyle, but no luck so me and Bryt decided we were going to have a sleepover. We went to Blockbuster and rented Resident Evil Apocolypse and that movie about going to White Castle. Then we went to Burger King and got on the computers. We left at like 10:15 and rushed to my house to The Notebook and then to Deterdings to get our ice cream. We made it with 2 minutes to spare. We went back to Bryts house, ate ice cream and watched the White Castle movie but I fell asleep 30 minutes into it. I woke up at like 9 and we finished watching the movies. At about 2 I went home to get ready for work. I had to work til 11 again. I tried calling Kyle, but his phone had been off all day. I dont know if he still wants to be with me or not. I want to be with him. I just dont want it to be like last time. I want to say yes, but Im not sure. We suggested dating first, but I dont want to wait to be with him. I dont know what to do. ♥ Sue. post comment

WHAT SHOULD I DO???? [26 Feb 2005|08:52pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Underoath "A Boy Brushed Red... Living In Black And White ] Yesterday after I was let off of work, Ashley gave me a ride home. I went inside and called Kyle. He told me about the phone he wanted to sell for me and I told him that I would give him $10 for it. He asked if he could come over and get the money tonight and maybe hang out afterwards, but I wasnt sure if I wanted him to. I finally agreed to it and we decided that we were gonna hang out and do something. I went downstairs to get my shoes and I told Dad that I was just going outside for a couple of minutes, which was a lie. We got back to Kyle's and we sat there and talked. He said that he was stupid for breaking up with me and that he fucked up. We sat there for a while and then his friend Scott came over. They got high for like an hour and then Scott left. Afterwards Kyle was just all on top of me, kissing me and I had no idea what to do or think about it. We sat on the couch for a while and then he grabbed my hands and we slow danced in the dark to his music. Then he pushed me on his bed and made out. We layed there and it just lead to sex somehow. It was different than with me and Chris because he hurt way worse. I couldnt stand it and I told him to stop at one point. I dont know what to think of it. He wants to be with me, but im so unsure what to do. I want to be with him. I like him a lot, but what will this relationship come to if we already had sex. Is it going to be based on sex? I just dont really dont know what to do. If we do get together again, I just hope it doesnt end the way it did last time. ♥ Sue post comment

FACED WITH A HARD DECISION. [25 Feb 2005|12:29pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | NorthStar "For Members Only. ] Wednesday after school, I talked to Chris and afterwards I went to Jess's because she wanted me to walk up to the pharmacy with her so she could get an application, but they were only accepting so we went over to Danser's and their only hiring for day hours. We decided to try the video store, but theyre not hiring at all. We walked back to Jess's and chilled there for a little bit. She looked up the time for the concert on Friday and later Chris IMed her telling her that he just got off of the phone with Bryt. Later I had to leave because she was eating so I went to Bryts and hung out with her for a while. We basicly sat there and talked. I went home at about 8, took a shower, and went to bed. Thursday in school I got thrown out of my 6th period class because I threw headphones and I got sent to the office. I sat in AIR the rest of the period. Five minutes before school ended Dad picked me up to take me to the orthodontist and then we went to get my paycheck. They asked if I wanted to work and I said yes because it was snowing outside and there would be nothing else to do. I went home at 9, ate and called Kyle. He finally picked up his phone and we had a long conversation. He wants to date and be more physical. He even mentioned having sex, but seriously how can I do that? I still care for you and then Im going to go out and have sex with you without any attachments? That would just add more pain to my situation with him. I want to try dating him and then go from there. I talked to him for a couple of hours, watched The Notebook and went to bed at about 1. Today I started taking my Prozac and I really don't feel any different. Hopefully this medicine works. If not Im just going to ask if I can be put on Lexipro, which Bryt and Chris take. ♥ Sue. 1 comment|post comment

ONLY A "DATING" GIRL FROM NOW ON ♥ [23 Feb 2005|03:08pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | NorthStar "Broken Parachute" ] Since my life isnt going the way I wanted it, Ive decided to go to some drastic measures to try and improve it. First of all I want to improve my appearance for everyone to see so Im gonna get my haircut layered and highlighted. I think I might start shopping for more clothes at PacSun too. Last night I threw away all of my old phone numbers of boys and such and just junk that might remind me of them, but I still have to do a lot more with it. I just think that im going about trying to get a serious boyfriend all wrong, and until I figure that out Im just going to be the dating type of girl ♥ I want to make a change with everything in my life and then see where it goes with that. Thats my plan and Im sticking to it ♥ ♥ Sue. post comment

ILL DIE HERE WITH YOU WHEN MY VEINS LOSE THEIR HUE. [23 Feb 2005|12:20pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | NorthStar "Rigged and Ready" ] Friday I had to work and there wasnt really much to that. Just the same boring 8 hours. I was basicly looking forward to Saturday. Saturday I tried getting a hold of Kyle and he wasnt picking up the phone so I was really disappointed. I called Bryt to see if she wanted to go to the mall with me, but she was going out with Shawn and Duran. Later I went to walk to Jess's to see if she wanted to go, but she wasnt home. Then I went to Bryt's and talked to her for a little bit. Afterwards I went back to Jess's and talked to her for a little bit. She couldn't go to the mall so I just figured I was going alone. Later I went to the mall by myself and just shopped. I got two pairs of jeans for $30 and three shirts, plus a Lilu purse, lilu spray and eyeliner. At about 9 I met up with TJ, Fred, Milton, Adam and Alicia. I got a ride home with them. We went to Burger King and sat on the computers for about 20 minutes. Then I went in at about 10. Sunday before work I called Kyle and talked to him. It turns out that when I called him he was sleeping because Friday and Saturday night he went to parties. Lucky him. I talked to him about his weekend and other stuff I forget now, but it was still a good conversation. Later I went to work and just chilled there with Adam. Monday I had to go to therapy and Dad was home so he drove me. On our way up there we saw Bryt so we gave her a ride. In therapy there was really nothing to talk about so I just felt more depressed. Then I went to work again. Yesterday I went to the doctor's to see if I could get my prozac and she prescribed it to me. Its just that we cant get it until Dad gets more money. Later I went to the library and Kyle changed his myspace =( Danny Smith was there so I walked home with him. Today I had to go get bloodwork done. She couldn't find a vein so she kept striking my skin with the needle. It hurt like a bitch. She pricked me like 5x before she actually got a vein. Now I have two holes in my arm thanks to some stupid African-American, putting it nicely. ♥ Sue. post comment

SING WITHOUT A REASON TO FALL IN LOVE. [18 Feb 2005|12:20pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Lost Prophets "Last Train Home" ] Yesterday I got to school early so I talked to Jess about stuff we needed to talk to each other about. After school I went to the school library so I could print out my blurty entries for my therapist and then I went to the gudiance office with Matt Masino so I could talk to Mr. Ferrante about some project. I saw Carl and talked to him, then I left. As I was walking home, I read all the blurty entries with Kyle in them. It made me so happy and sad remembering our memories together ♥ I went to pick up my paycheck and it was only $111.79 so I disappointed. I went home, got a shower and went to see my therapist. She decided that she wants to put me on anti-depressants (Prozac) so Im happy because I really do think I need them. I have a chemical inbalance within my brain and with anti-depressants it can equal them out, especially my emotional part. Anyway, all I did was talk to her about Kyle. I read her all the blurty entries with him in it, our relationship from beginning to end. She said that she does think he cares about me, its just hes confused. I mean if he didnt care for me, he wouldnt say that we could date and he wouldnt be hanging out with me tomorrow, which I cant wait for ♥ She made another appointment for Monday so we could discuss more. I went home and Dad gave me his phone to use since ours is fucked up hardcore. When I pick it up theres no dial tone and such. I called Kyle, but he wasnt picking up so I called Bryt. I told her whats been going on. The first thing she asked me is if Im okay because of me and Kyle's breakup, which I thought was really nice. We talked about how me, her, Chris, and Matt dont hang out with each other. Basicly we all broke away from each other. We talked about how we dont hang out anymore, and I told her that Im gonna try and start again because Im busy as fuck now. Monday Im pretty sure Im walking with her up to my therapist because she has to go to work at the same time I have to see my therapist. Anyway, later I called Kyle again and he picked up so I talked to him. He was drunk the night before, thats why he was going on about sex and everything. Were still on for Saturday so Im so excited for that. Hanging out with him, going to the mall and getting new clothes ♥ What could be bad about that? Anyway, I told him how my phone hasnt been working and he thinks its the phone and if he finds a phone he has, hes going to give it to me for free. Gotta love that kid ♥ I didnt really talk to him long because he doesnt have any more minutes so I had to call him back at 9. At 9:15 I went downstairs to ask Dad if I could use the phone, but he was sleeping so I just took it because I really wanted to talk to Kyle. We basicly just talked about stuff we would usually talk about. I think his friend's band is playing at Full Circle tonight, which angers me because I have to work and I really wanted to go with him. Anyway, we didnt talk long because he had to all this girl in his biology class and ask her if she could drive him to college. He said he would call back at 10, but he didnt, probably because the phone's fucked up or whatever. ♥ Sue. post comment

THERES STILL TOMORROW, FORGET THE SORROW. [17 Feb 2005|11:58am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | The Used "Lunacy Fringe" ] Yesterday was horrible. I cried 6 out of 8 periods and I just wanted to go home and call Kyle and talk about everything. I went home and he was in class until 5 or 6 so I just took a nap, plus the fact that I couldnt stand crying anymore. I had to go to sleep with his hoodie because I cant sleep without it =/ It goes next to my heart every night. Anyway, Sherrie later woke me up for dinner. I ate and I went to go call Kyle, but the phone wasnt working. Later it finally worked, but the static was horrible. I called anyway, but he didnt pick up when he promised that he would ='( I went back to bed and layed there and watched TV. Later he called and I was so incredibly happy to hear his voice. We talked but not for long. He said hed call back later. The phone rang and I got it, but it was Shawn. I talked to him about Duran and then Kyle called me on the other line so I talked to him. He said that we could date, but I want to be more with him. Then he had to go again, but when he called back and I answered the phone, it didnt work again. I decided to go to bed at 11 and at 11:30 the phone rang and it was him again. We talked more this time. We were talking about our age difference and sex and such. I think he wants to have sex, but I try to only have sex for love. I would if we were together, but were not so I dont know. Maybe we might get back together. Im going to see him Saturday when we go to the mall so I could spend my money for clothes so Ill talk to him about us then I guess. He asked me on the phone if I still liked him and I told him that I did, but he asked how I could still like him after all that hes done and I said "It takes a lot for me to hate someone" and plus I care for him a lot. I dont know, Im going to talk to him tonight so Ill see whats going on with everything. Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah so tired of waiting, waiting for us to Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Yeah so sick of waiting, for us to make a move Everytime I turn around I fall in love and find my heart face down And where it lands is when it should ♥ Sue. post comment

NEVER THOUGHT YOUD MAKE ME, BREAK ME. [16 Feb 2005|10:41am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Something Corporate "Konstantine" ] Yesterday after school I went home, did a wash because I had to wash Kyle's hoodie and then I took a shower. Later I went to the library to talk to like Jess and Chris and at 6:30 I left to start walking to Kyle's. It took me an hour to get there and a couple of panic attacks, but I made it. I sat there for 5 minutes until his mom got home and she let me in so we could see where Kyle is. He wasnt home and she called him and then came back in the house. A couple minutes later he called back and he said that he didnt want to talk to me or whatever. He came in and went straight to his room and locked the door. I knocked on it and then his mom yelled it him to open it so we could talk. I stood there for 20 minutes because I couldnt say what I wanted. As I was standing there, I noticed the Smirnoff Green Apple Twisted wasnt sitting next to his. It was in the trash. That broke my heart because that symbolized us. Finally I spoke up and asked him "Do you even know Im here?" We started talking and I asked him why he didnt want to be my boyfriend and all his answers were the same, "I dont know." I shook him and got in his face about it, but we were both smiling so it wasnt as bad as it sounds. He said he does care about me, but he doesnt want a gf right now. We sat around on the couch and I rested my head on his shoulder and everything was going okay. I thought there was somewhat of a chance because of the way he was acting towards me. He wanted to smoke so I let him ("If it makes you happy") and plus he had to get rid of it. He wanted me to come with him so he tried dragging me. I fell on my knees and my pulled me up to go with him. We went in the garage and I just stood there. Afterwards we went back in and we looked at his psychology book. Were doing the same stuff so I helped him out with it. LOL. By the end of the night, he questioned how I was getting home and I said I dont know. He went to go ask his mom if she could, but she was already asleep. So he told me straight out that I had to walk home either at night or in the morning. Then he was acting like an asshole because he was tired and I wouldnt stop questioning him about us. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said "No, I dont." That broke my heart right in half. I just wanted to take a knife to every vein in my body that hurt so much. I tried convincing him that were good for each other, but I couldnt change his mind. Then I started getting angry and yelling and he just seemed to smile about it. Either that or he would tell me to shut up or "Go home please." At the end of it all I apologized and he said it was okay. I kept trying to leave, but I just couldnt walk out of the door. I didnt want to walk away from what we had or what we still could have. He told me I could keep his hoodie so I put that on because it was cold out. We both said goodnight and I finally left at 12:30. It took me an hour to get home and I seemed to get better the farther away I got. I got home at 1:30 and I went to bed with his hoodie wrapped around my arms. Im in school and Ive been crying all day. Actually Im in tears right now. I care him so much, more than I thought I would, way more. I want to be with him so badly. Were so right for each other. I just dont understand what could have happened in a matter of 2 days. Why would he throw away something so good? Both of us were so happy with each other. I know I was. Id always smile with the thought of seeing him or being with him and now theres no "us" anymore. Why cant there be? I just dont understand. Im so confused and so emotionally unstable. I have no one to turn to about this or no one to talk to. I use to run to Bryt, but I havent talked to her in days and she doesnt really know the situation. I just want to be with him and lay with him in his bed, go to sleep with him, get drunk with him, go to the mall with him while he spends money on himself, sit outside my house with him for hours and just talk, get a phone call from him saying he called because he missed hearing the sound of my voice. Why cant it still be like that? He is the first person Ive seen that really did care for me, who wasnt an asshole. I acually opened up to him and started being more affectionate and this is what happens. I dont understand why he would he would ask me out and then 2 weeks later break up with me after I finally started opening up to him. Why does it have to happen to me? I just dont know how to put my emotions into words, only into tears. He still wants to be friends and talk to each other, and hang out, but how can I when we both know that I want to be more with him? I mean I really do think he cares, its just why would he break up with me? He gave me his hoodie, a really nice Volcom hoodie. I dont know. Im going to talk to him today, but its going to be hard because he knows how I feel and that I want to be with him because I screamed it like 2934973 times. I just hope we can stay friends. GOD I MISS YOU! ='( DID YOU KNOW I MISS YOU? ♥ Sue. post comment

BREAKING AWAY. [15 Feb 2005|12:00pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Michelle Branch "Goodbye To You" ] Yesterday I had to go to work again. Pretty lame.. At one point Jess and her mom came so I got to talk to her about stuff. At 11, I finally got to go home and call Kyle. He didnt pick up again so I kept calling back. One time I think someone even answered and hung up. I basicly consider it over. Theres no sense in trying to hold onto something that doesnt want to be held onto. I really thought things between us were good, but I guess not. Today after school I have to do something I dont really want to. Im going to walk to Kyle's, give him back his hoodie, and tell him Im not playing his games anymore. Even though I do really care for him more than I thought that I would, Im going to do it even though I might be broken hearted again. It doesnt matter though because Im basicly always broken hearted. I had the worst Valentines of my life yesterday. It would have just been better not having one at all. Kyle promised he would be my Valentine and he couldnt even pick up a phone to say "Happy Valentine's Day." Thats pretty fucked up in my eyes. Its better to end things now before things get even more deep. I really thought he was different, but I guess I was wrong. I didnt see him as other guys, not ones that would dick you over, but now Im seeing a different side of him. I kinda wanted this to last a while, but now thats not likely. ...ITS HARD TO SAY I MISS YOU... ♥ Sue. post comment

FUCK LOVE & THIS DAY. [14 Feb 2005|11:56am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | The Used "Listening" ] Friday was a really long day. It seemed to last forever. I told Kyle to come visit me at work at about 10:30. 10:30 rolled around and no Kyle so I got upset, but then he showed up a couple of minutes later with his friend Blake. I was so happy to see him. They left and then hey waited for me outside until I got off of work. We went to go wait at Wawa for Blake's gf and then we went to Kyle's. I didnt want to go in because I hate associating with new people, but I went in anyway. I just stood basicly and they all got high and what not, except for Kyle. Later when they were leaving, Kyle asked me if he could get high and I said yes because seriously who is going to say no in front of someone's friends? So he did and after they left I told him I was pissed and we didnt really talk. Later I had a change of heart and I didnt feel like fighting anymore so I just layed with him on his bed and we talked. He was drunk so he kept rambling on and it got annoying so I told him to lay with me. Later we tried going to sleep, but it wasnt working out so we just layed there and cuddled. I feel closer to him now and I love it. I love the fact that I can talk to him about anything and he will still care for me no matter what it is. We later fell asleep at like 6. We woke up at 10 because he set the alarm. We layed in bed for about an hour just talking and messing around. At 10:45 we were going to leave to take me home so I could get ready for work, but his mom went somewhere with the car. We finally left at 11:45 and I ran inside, got ready, got yelled at and left. When I got outside Kyle left. I guess because my Dad was leaving and he saw Kyle? I later went to work and when I got home I called Kyle, but he didnt call me back. I just went to bed anyway early because I was exhausted. Sunday I went into work at about 1. It was another long day and I got so frustrated. After I got off work, I bought a hoagie and went home. I tried calling Kyle and he still isnt picking up his phone. I dont know whats up with him, but I hope this isnt leading to a breakup. I dont know why he isnt picking up or what not, but if I call him today and he doesnt pick up, then Im just ending it. Theres no sense in playing stupid little mind games with each other. And plus its Valentines Day. If you dont pick up your phone to your gf/Valentine, thats pretty fucked up. Today is pretty lame. I just want to go home, go to work and get this day over with. Ive always hated Valentines Day, the colors, the couples, everything. I hope Kyle does pick up when I call him tonight when I get off of work, if not im just done with him, even though I do care about him more than I thought I would. ♥ Sue. post comment

1ST DAY OF TRAINING. [11 Feb 2005|12:25pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | The Used "Take It Away" ] Yesterday was my first official day of training. I was a bit nervous, but I felt better because Courtney was my trainer. She showed me everything and I actually caught on quick. Some of its hard though with the checks and the Family Firsts and WIC. But anyway, I had to be there til 11 behind the cash register and my legs were killing me, but I did really good in my opinion. Jess and her mom came to see me, which is cool. I talked to her for a little bit when I was on break. Later Bryt and Andrew came in too, which was unexpected and so did my Dad. I think tomorrow I have to do the register and bag, which I dont really know how to bag so I might have a little trouble. Im happy today though because Kyle is coming to see me even if he has to walk. =) I cant wait to see him ♥ ♥ Sue. post comment

TIME TO START WORKING ♥ [10 Feb 2005|12:19pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | The Used "Hard To Say" ] Yesterday I came back to school, still feeling a little sick. I finally got my working papers filled out. After school I handed them in and she told me that I start training tomorrow. Im so nervous and I really hope I dont fuck up. Im going to try my best and see what happens. I have to work Thursday night - Saturday night (3-11). Yuckkkk. Then I think Im going to actually start working Sunday night and Monday night, which means no Valentines with Kyle. =( Ill make it up to him. I know exactly what Im getting him for Valentines ;) Anyway, I went to go return some books and upload some new pictures onto myspace. I went home, took a shower, talked to Kyle ♥, and went to bed. ♥ Sue. post comment

"A GIRLFRIEND, BUT NOT LIKE A GIRLFRIEND." [09 Feb 2005|12:20pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | The Used "Yesterday's Feelings" ] Monday after school I went home and lied down because I was really sick. Thats pretty much what I did. Kyle wanted to hang out, but I said "no" because I was too sick. Tuesday I stayed home sick and basicly slept all day. The only time I got up was when my Dad called me and to take medicine. Being sick sucks. I talked to Kyle and once again we were questioning our "being together". He said that im not affectionate or romantic. Its only been a week though, and im a really shy person, but I do like him and I want to be close to him. Thats all I can say for now. I couldnt sleep so I talked to him til about 2. After being hurt on the phone, I called him back telling him everything I love and everything I hate about us/him. Finally at about 3, I fell asleep. ♥ Sue. post comment

SUPERBOWL WEEKEND. [07 Feb 2005|12:19pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Jimmy Eat World "Work" ] Lets see... Friday I went home and me and Kyle didnt end up hanging out because he locked the keys in the car. Smart one, LOL. I basicly slept because I was tired anyway. Saturday was basicly a horrible night. When Kyle picked me up I knew something was wrong to begin with. It turns out that he took some anxiety medicine, (Valium?) and his body wasnt used to it so he was drowsy and such. We went to Jess's and talked to her for like an hour and then I told him to take me home afterwards, but he suggested that we go to his house. I noticed him swerving and then I panicked. I insisted I drive, but he refused because he thought he was capable. On the way to his house, I was seriously having a panic attack and when we were almost to his house, he hit a mirror on a truck. I basicly sat there the whole night not talking to him because I was mad and I was angry that he would endager my life. At about 12:30 we decided to leave and I told him I was driving, but when we were at the end of his neighborhood, he said he was fine and that he could drive so I let him. It turns out that he was still swerving so I was angry again because it was the second time he enangered my life. We talked and I got out without even giving him a hug or a kiss. About 20 minutes later, he called and we worked things out. I went to bed at about 2. Sunday was lame basicly. I was left home alone. Sherrie was out with Joann and Dad went to some party. Kyle came over later to keep me company for about a half an hour. I showed him my house and my room. Then we went to sit out on the porch because we didnt feel like getting in trouble. Sandy came out and started yelling about her and Susan. Kyle was pretty angry about that. Then she came out again and yelled at me for taking the note off of the door so I went upstairs to get it and Kyle followed me because he was scared of her. LOL. We sat outside for a couple of minutes, and he kept trying to go, but he couldnt leave ♥ He finally left at about 7:30. He called later and we talked. I basicly sat in bed the whole night. Today, Im SICK AS FUCK. All I really want to do is go home and get in bed, but I cant do that. Ugghhh.. I have a cold, im congested, and Im cold as fuck. Someone help me. ♥ Sue. post comment

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