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| 01:45pm 03/02/2005 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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apathetic| interesting... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 01:29pm 03/02/2005 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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blank| This one is for you | ||||
| 04:53pm 26/01/2005 | ||||
But i couldn't keep it up forever. When i stopped to look at you I truly saw you, but only for a moment. With clear eyes and no expectations, I truly did see you. See what you kept hidden, so far away from me. I had to dig so far to see; because you wouldn't show me. When i found you, i saw the difference. The front you held, was but a mirage. Then i saw the rest of you. A filthy hole with with lies and deceit. You showed me too much, before you dragged me out. And filled your hole with another mirage. So i kicked at the walls you built between us. And you cried when i left; not even a dent made in your pathetic walls. The love i forced; a placebo for happiness. When it finally wore off, i began to see clearly again. Never love, Only Hate. You can trick yourself for only so long. I ran out of tricks, you ran out of excuses. So now i'm running out on you. Cry to everyone you see, but no one will hear you. You are lost to everyone because you couldn't find your own self. You can't even pick up the pieces, To the faux life you live in. Though never did they truly fit. So who are you? i've finally figured out, You' are a mystery, That no one cares to solve.  i know...not the best poem i've written, didn't put much thought into it. Didn’t want to waste my time on the subject at hand.... |
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annoyed| More Fun Lyrics | ||||
| 12:31pm 18/01/2005 | ||||
Cold Heritage By Lacuna Coil Don't tell me why I'm so near to commit a crime When I stay alone here in front of you (I'm here) Illusion falls when you're not honest about the way I feel I know I need only your voice Saving all my words only for you Forgive me Saving all my words only for you Forgive me I don't why There's a limit to defy With the vision of the future at my feet (I'm here) The night embrace me while The picture simply blows me away I feel I'll need only your voice And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Believe the light in me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Reveal the light in me Saving all my words only for you Forgive me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Believe the light in me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me I've never, never felt myself this way before And I want to leave with my tears If you'll disappear Believe in the light in me Saving all my words only for you Forgive me Falling on me knees only for you Forgive me |
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calm| 08:12pm 14/01/2005 | ||||
Must not let the brick wall crack Must not let the brick wall crack |
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anxious| who said what? | |||
| 11:37pm 11/01/2005 | |||
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"The thing you don't remember, is the thing that didn't exist." |
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| Always Just Questions | ||||
| 02:42pm 11/01/2005 | ||||
Then i remember...that's why God(?) or some supreme/higher being created Friends |
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thankful| what keeps me where? | ||||
| 07:22pm 10/01/2005 | ||||
Her voice...so vivid, as if she were still with me. I see her face where ever i look; her innocent smile still haunting me. Raping my mind, making me wish i was someone else. Somewhere else; in the dark blue clouds of my mind. Something so simple she turned against me. All i could do was throw it back, throw back the pain she had long forgotten. And let her do the rest herself. She Begged me to help her stop she tried to tell me she hurt alot. she didn't have to try this time, she just flat out told me straight. All my words and all her hate, all the things i liked to use; always just to complicate. I loved her once i loved her twice. I loved her even when i cashed her out. ..After I...did...what? it's not possible. Not probable. So far from everything, Yet I still like the lies. " -Katie Furor. (a fictional character i made up) |
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peaceful| 11:20pm 09/01/2005 | |||
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Being alone i think plenty. These thoughts which make no sense to me. These thoughts that only want to hurt me. And the ones that tie themselves to me, And make me sit alone, just to silence me. I could free myself, i could become strong and ward them off. But i don't want them to leave. I need them...please stay. Stay and comfort me, like times before. Turn the lights off only to haunt me. To make me see clearly; see what's really infront of me. All of this solitude, sorrow, anger, hate, pain. I think i am alone. I am alone; now. All i can do now is sleep... Just never leave me. **what's the good in knowing the situations and circumstances of others? it's funny how people like to compare themselves to others...just to make themselves feel better. there's no point to it. and it's just a waste of time. That focus could be used for self-betterment, but instead it is wasted on budding into the buisness of others. No matter what level you're on... as long as there is someone who is on the same level or worse off than you, then there's something to smile about. And this obsession/ fear of what someone might think of you... why do we waste our time on such trivial things?** |
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| Not Worth Your Time | ||||
| 08:10pm 16/12/2004 | ||||
Something really bothered me at work the other day. i was sitting in the lounge with another co-worker of mine. i was reading my book and he was eating his sandwich; i told him he could watch tv if he'd like, and he said he didnt mind and that he didn't want to disturb my reading.i thought that was really kind of him. a few minutes later, an older co-worker walked in and asked "why aren't you watching tv?" i ignored her, i didn't think it was necessary to put down my book and explain to her why, i figured it was blatent enough. then my co-worker said..."because melissa's reading' and strangely enough the older co-worker of mine ask...in an annoyed yet confused tone "why??" i took that in the contex of... "why is she reading" i don't know..that bothered me. i shouldn't linger on stupid subjects like that... Another JeniXx original is nearing completion. So Be Patient and Stay Tuned. Video Of The Day: Frozen By Madonna. |
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cynical| Can You See Me? | ||||
| 11:12am 04/12/2004 | ||||
The hardest thing in this world, is to be judged. |
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| Reason | ||||
| 05:00am 04/12/2004 | ||||
They lived their daily lives apart, they lived their young lives working hollow jobs; jobs ending with the greatest gift they could ever receive. To kiss the night away; brought to life; the only time they felt alive; their fingers alone told the story of their depseration for each other. Each kiss leading to prepetual bliss, each gaze illumination a tale, their tale of existence. To close their eyes and reach out; to feel each other close by; a whisper in an ear; “I’ll never let you go” No one knew, no one had to know, they knew, they would never be apart; no one could ever keep them apart. What would they think? What would they say? Would they even care? They never knew right or wrong; never knew sin or wrong; they only knew how to be; to yern…together; how to live life because they only needed one another; simply to live. To kiss the night away; till it spilled into a new day, another day to test them, their patients their loyalty their love. And always they passed; knowing that in the end, they could touch each other once more, hold each other, and stare at each other…to be real. To exist Only in this room; this one room could bring them happiness, could offer them time, would let them be themselves; to dance; to be passionate; to be alive. ]]]]]]]]]]]]] They never had to live a lie, and never had to lie to live. Take from me all that you need so that you may be real again. I give you all of me, because without you I would be nothing. I’ll bleed for you just to save you. I’ll give you my soul so that you will never be alone. I’ll give you my truth, my honesty, my tears, my smiles anything and everything that is worth giving. Take from me all that you need, so that I may have a purpose. To live for you is my only truth; my sanctity; my only reason. All I ask in return is your kiss; a single kiss, to know that a part of you I can have; I can own. |
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sleepy| Hate is a powerful feeling | ||||
| 11:19am 03/12/2004 | ||||
and no one understands the importance of it. i swear to go she did it on purpose. she never fucking learns i hate her so much. i hate her. i hate her. i hate everyone right now because no one understands. i don't want this anymore. any of it. i wish it would just go away. all of it. i should have never woken up today. i should have never walked downstairs and acknowledged her. i should have never made plans today. i should have never started this stupid journal in the first place. then nothing would be lost. "when all this time i've been so hollow, inside" "i've been lookin in the mirror for so long. that i've come to believe my souls on the other side, all the little pieces falling, shattered. shards of me too sharp to put back together." i think i need a new hobby. "Please, please forgive me, But I won't be home again. I know what you do to yourself, I breathe deep and cry out, "Isn't something missing?" |
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angry| 11:13pm 25/11/2004 | |||
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Mina- "She is insane, and i fear it has been passed onto me. I can feel it; growing." Sakoda- " You let such nonsense get to you all the time. You know she does it just to mess with your mind, and sadly it seems to be working. You let yourself feel like this, and I think you like it." Mina- "That's ridiculous, why would i want to feel like this on purpose?" Sakoda- "Because you live for it, it allows you to delve deep inside yourself; your imagination, to create scenerios which would otherwise never happen in your life. Ones which makes you feel surperior over everyone else..." Mina- "I can't believe you're saying this. You think I like feeling this way? This anger eats away at me; guilt constantly errupts within me, it never ceases; it won't leave me alone." Sakoda- "That's your own fault, you have no control over what your anger or your actions at times. You tend to do stupid things when you are upset; you should work on that. All that you do will come back at you somehow, and you'll know why. Mina- "Well why don't you ever show up when I need you the most?" Sakoda- "You shouldn't have to depend on me; I shouldn't even exist..." In the center of it's hands...to lacerate everything that I have is it's will. To be stonger than that which is impervious is it's desire. Back to the threshold of darkness it takes me, to a place where ravenous beasts do stare. And I am to be reborn and sit on my thrown of decadence. What is the morale of this day? Don't let big green electrial boxes run into the side of your car. |
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| The Only One | ||||
| 10:09am 21/11/2004 | ||||
I Am Afraid. What is truth? Who can i believe? Remember the words i say. Or let them fade away. But it will never be ok...again. My love for §orrow will last forever. Only she can understand me. Only she is real to me. My ever giving Mistress. My Perpetual Bliss. These words bring "Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have."- Hermione (GoF) "Do you not feel the chill, the shudder as that ugly creature Death blows ever nearer with his icey breath..." WHAT FASCINATES TODAY IS DULL TOMORROW. PARAGON of BEAUTY NeverMore...NeverMore...NeverMore...Neve |
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| 09:05am 21/11/2004 | ||||
Far from the truth. Come hither my love. In my dreams i run and hide. That which haunts me is unknown. And so i stay hidden and die alone. In my dreams So cold and grey. Can't let it inside. My heart already stopped, Many hours ago. In the beginning never could i control it. But now in the end, where does it all fit? What i say is truth to me. My heart is broken left sunken below This all happened many hours ago. Where did you go? RUnning away will not help you. I will only find you faster. Does it matter? |
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| 11:08am 20/11/2004 | |||
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There's something considerably wrong with me today. Other than the fact that i got home late last night..around 1:40-ish...didn't get to sleep until 3am and had to wake up at 8am...I have a massice headach, been doing too much thinking in this sleepless morning. *i need my 8 hours of sleep* I hate entries like these, so why do i bother writing them? i have nothing better to do i suppose, my creativity is at it's low...i find entries like these pointless. why do i want other people to know how i feel? *Ahh don't contridict yourself meli... you're whole journal is a long conficting story about how you feel* I hate it when i do that. But it's true. dammit, i don't know why i bother posting in here, i don't know why i write the things i do. *yes this is another speil about trying to figure myself out...forgive me* Continuing on...i like what i write, then i post it, and when i come back to read it i think to myself..."what was i thinking??" actually i don't feel too bad now, i just read an interesting quote by J.K. Rowling... Thank you Mrs. Rowling, that actually made me feel better, more confident i suppose. Although i'm sure i could never make a career out of writing; though i'd like to. *5 minute pause* I was just thinking about something...well in those 5 minutes i was reminiscent. Certain *possibly unimportant things* came to mind. The other day at work, one of the people i work with called me a dork. i can't remember my initial reaction, nor what i retorted, but come to think of it, i take that as a compliment. Dork...i guess when people are called such names...dork, nerd ect, they must be doing something right. Why should it matter if someone likes school or to read or to study? people must be jealous of others if they resort to name calling. i can ususally tell when people mean it or not. Hazaa i'm a dork, and a very proud dork indeed. Having said that, i always call my close friend's..dork, but i use it in a different context...that doesn't make me jealous does it? nah...*sorry if this doesn't make sense, lack of sleep does this to me.* Moving along; i remember another time at work, a few of us were sitting in the lounge during lunch. They were all watching tv, and i was reading my book. One chap asked me..."why are you reading?' I didn't have a response for him, i looked at him rather confused. My manager/Trainer then looked at him and said..."because she's smart." Then as if nothing had been asked, they continued watching tv, not a word to be spoken afterwards. Why was i reading? hmm... i looked up a few times after that while i was reading, to observe them. Hardley blinking, they all looked like drones watching a picture box. it was lunch time, and no one was eating nor drinking, just watching this silly little box. It looked like they could have sat there for ages, waisting away, transfixed... i wonder if in that half an hour, how much through was being processed in their minds; if any. i wish i could have taken a picture...then i'd tell them again to ask me why i was reading. I don't mind tv every once in a while...although when i do watch it, most of the time i zone out and begin to think again. I think Tim Hortons coffee is very bitter. Video Of The Day- Pretty Life By Jakalope |
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| 07:43pm 17/11/2004 | ||||
Beckons me to follow her. Take me away to a better place. Oh §weet Ðelerium, never let me go. Hold me close, and blind me from this decadence. Tell me i'll be fine, To leave everything behind. Oh,§weet Ðelerium, how i love thee. She who saves me from this calamity. The kind of which i have begun. She tells me it will be alright. A frozen kiss will end it all. Oh §weet Ðelerium. She who holds me; will never let me go. She who conforts me, and lets me be. Never leave me, for i feel safe once more. |
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devious| The Ðifferent Faces of Art...And What Lies Behind Them. | ||||
| 09:34pm 15/11/2004 | ||||
 Look at this picture, what do you see? Would this hallway be part of a school or a church perhaps...Where do you suppose those little stairs lead to? To a garage, full of finely tuned automobiles or a dance studio full or mirrors and chairs. Is this hallway upstairs or downstairs, part of a basement or part of a place where no one is meant to walk through and in turn, never meant to be seen? What can you see? What do you think the artist thought while he was creating this picture? Maybe the artist envisioned a world full of peace and tranquility. Or maybe a world full of chaos happening outside of these walls. A world without a heaven or a hell, or maybe a world without crime or hate. This is my escape. Looking at picture such as this, envisioning things I wish I could have. Envisioning things the way I think they should be. This hallway leads us to many different thoughts and stories...what do you suppose the rest of this house looks like? If it even is part of a house. What is beyond this hallway? We all know the answer to this question...because we can fit it into different pictures in our thoughts. We can all give it a place, we all know the answer, because we can come up with our own interpretations and images if we only try. Maybe this hallway...and those stairs lead to a dreary music room. The most important room in the entire house, for the only soul living in it. Nothing but bare walls surrounding this room, no carpets no drapes, no book cases, but a lamp in the corner of the room, and a black grand piano sitting gracefully by the windows. For all I know, this one room may mean the salvation for this forlony person. This person...who might play all day long, pressing every key; each telling a different story about his past, about someone who passed away, about his wife or children, who were once his; but who are now gone. A story perhaps about past relationships he can never let go, and can never have again...a story about trying to move on, yet full of thoughts with no hopes of doing so. Everyday, afternoon and night, all this man knows how to do, is how to play. Every song he plays, everyone he creates; his fingers gently glide over, making love to each of the keys they touch, each creating a new sound he is passionate for. These sounds... each ivory key his fingers come in contact with, all act as the lock that binds him to his sanity; each giving him a reason to live the life he so despises. Every night he plays, all the while staring at a tiny picture held captive by an oversized, brown picture frame; the only photograph in the entire house. It sits helplessly on top of this... thing, this tool that has taken this man away from his family, his whole life; the one he once knew outside of this room. This piano, his black mistress, that which took everything away from him yet gave him so much more. Every night this man plays, his eyes never leaving the torment this picture burdens him with. The one that reminds him of his past life, of every happiness he has ever known. This picture which holds his wife's last loving smile meant for only him. And his children, who for the first and last time called him "daddy." Night after lonely night his mistress takes him away; the rest of the castle waits and longs for him yet only this one hallway, the one you see before you, is able to seize a moment’s glimpse of him. Can you see him walking? His eyes meant only for his mistress, the one he has given the entirety of his life to. This hallway leads him to his decomposing life, the life now owned by his ochestrate, the only thing he knows...that will accept all of him. Look through the window, beyond where the stairs take you, what do you see? What story can you tell? What place can you give this hallway, these windows, if there is even any to give? [ I know, i mention the word 'story' a lot; most of my pieces contain this particular word. Everything we do will one day be told in the form of a story. Our whole life in a story, one which might and possibly will be told to a friend, a lover, a guest, a lawyer, or a random stranger who we meet in a coffee shop or bus. To someone...anyone who will listen to what we have to say.] "§anity is madness put to good use." |
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crazy| 11:16pm 11/11/2004 | |||
 In a whisper Into this silence Where I belong To stand forever By myself With all that I have The image of you Still in my head You own me In your shadows you leave me Where do I belong? Nowhere it seems Though dark and cold, this it seems... Is where I belong Watch me as I weep Always tears for you This heart of mine you keep And every part of me too You own me Come take me away To the place I belong In your shadows You own me You own me You own me... Why? I can't let go, Why? I hate this life, Why? I don't want to hide anymore, Why? don't you let me go... Why? can't I find the will to walk away... You own me. My life is yours You don't even seem to care. You don't see me When i'm standing in front of you I grab and pull to hold you close. You own me and you don't even know it I can only survive in your shadow. If you don't love me... This is all I have left of you Why can't I leave? I don't think I can... I don't think I want to... My obsession... You own me. |
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