Jennifer Love Hewitt's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Jennifer Love Hewitt

[ website | Love Me. ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[11 May 2003|07:31pm]
[[ The day has come. Please remove me from all your friends lists. I would like to apologize to Paul-shaped, cuz I really tried to stick it out and I really like RPing w/them *and all of you* but I have a lot going on in my life right now and this just isn't gonna work out for me :( I also want to state that this has nothing to do with "cliques" or drama or anything like that. This just isn't for me anymore. And you all have been great!! Especially Kate-Shaped and even Norah-Shaped. My OOC AIM is KittyLaPurrKG and that is my OOC LJ too. Soo feel free to add me/talk to me, cuz I really am a friendly person and I'd like to keep in touch if anyone is interested. Sorry Love wasn't around more and I'm sorry I have to leave :-* Have fun you guys, you are all really talented xoxoxo

-Kourtney]]
2 comments|post comment

Ho Hum [10 May 2003|12:24pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Paul and I decided to stay on in Texas until tomorrow. WHY you ask??

Because I have my first show tonight!!

Whoa I'm nervous...I always get like this!! I've been pacing around all morning, and poor Paul doesn't know how to keep me still...

I'll be back in LA tomorrow for a slew of shows coming up, including WANGO TANGO!! *shakes booty a little*

Ok...I have to go do.....SOMETHING

10 comments|post comment

Home sweet Home [08 May 2003|06:00pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Paul and I are here for one more night.....in Texas, visiting Dad. I took Paul riding today, on Dad's property and I swear, this place never looked so beautiful.

Since he has went away....and come back...I have been questioning how long I can have him. He feels like something that can be torn from me at any moment and I have waken up more than one night frightened that he was no longer beside me...

...but each time, there he was, his arms gently placed around my waist, his scruffy chin pressed against my shoulder, his breath warm and comforting on my ear...

When I wake up next to him in the morning it somehow seems that the sun is brighter than it was yesterday, that the world is a more free and beautiful place than it was when I fell asleep.

I don't want to lose this. I can't lose this...

I need this

2 comments|post comment

Sing to me please. [03 May 2003|02:15am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I love him. I know I shouldn't have let him off the hook so easily but there was something in the way he looked at me that nearly...nearly made my heart stop.

He agreed to go to Texas with me, to make things up to me and I just.....he amazes me. God I don't even want to bore you with the details but I swear there is something so settling about looking into his eyes...

I miss my friends. I know I have been somewhat MIA, but I'm just trying to keep my head above water. A lot has been going on with LoveSpell and it's a permanent headache at the moment. All the more reason to go on this mini trip with Paul.....

Did I mention that I miss my friends??

2 comments|post comment

OK OK [27 Apr 2003|01:54pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I woke up today with...a smile on my face? I don't know what I was dreaming about, but thank god for it. And on top of it, it is a beautiful day.

I think my plans are to go riding, take Momma Hewey out to Lunch, and then read a book by the pool *nods*.

If anyone wants to do something later, just call.....or comment....I'm in the mood to get out and FORGET my problems...

14 comments|post comment

I am just so tired. [24 Apr 2003|11:55pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | The Best Deceptions--Dashboard Confessional ]

If you would have asked me a two weeks ago, I would have told you how happy I was. If you would have asked me a two weeks ago I would have promised you that I was OK.

I'm not so sure. Cuz I haven't heard from Paul since....two weeks ago...

You don't just do that to someone. You don't tell them you love them and then disappear. You don't return my phone calls, you don't call me, you don't write or email or even try to stop by. I'm sick with the fear that something has happened to you or that your feelings for me have changed.

I'm hurting. And I really shouldn't be. I had spoken those words to you trusting that you would cherish them and who the hell KNOWS what you are doing?? I have called countless times, I have emailed and I have stopped by and today I even sent you a card. A card that says "I'm sorry" and I don't even know what I'm apologizing for. And now this.

I think I'm dumb enough to forgive you if you walked through that door right now. I think I'm lost enough to find myself in your arms again and I'm crazy enough to wish that it would be OK.

I hate that you have kept me up at night. I hate that I let you have THIS much control over what I am feeling and what I am doing...I hate the way I feel right now and I hate that the only way I can think to make it better is to be in your arms...

I need some ice cream.

14 comments|post comment

GRR [22 Apr 2003|01:50pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I miss my friends.
I miss Paul.
I miss my mom.
I miss myself.

The hell? I'm sad today.

11 comments|post comment

Tossing and turning in the darkness [16 Apr 2003|04:18am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | She's Always A Woman To Me--Billy Joel ]

*sits at the keyboard, a gentle smile permanently dancing across my lips*

I have so much to say. And there are no words.

"For every battle there is a reward"--You said that to me once.

I keep thinking to myself....through all the pain and suffering I have been through...whether brought on by myself or others, it still doesn't measure up in intensity to the sheer happiness that I feel right now.

Do you even know the true meaning of happiness?

Once upon a time I thought I knew exactly what it was. Being me. I never thought that I wouldn't be enough. But today, I realize I can't imagine living a moment without you. Your tenderness, your passion, your understanding, your love. *smiles, seeing the irony* Your Love.

I have never felt something so right in my entire life. I am reflecting on times past when I felt that I was in love, and I can almost giggle at my naivety. This feeling.....*bites bottom lip*

Someone has reached into my soul, extracted the parts of me that I was afraid of, or ashamed of, and loved them. He picked out the parts of me I have hidden, the parts of me that I wasn't even aware I possessed. And he loved them.

I have fallen.

4 comments|post comment

Ta-Ta-Take me Now [15 Apr 2003|12:45am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Take Me Now--Mr JT ]

Today was such a whirlwind. I have had so much on my mind, and things have been so...fuzzy lately.

I talked to Sarah. Thank God. I was starting to think we would never work this out and things may be..weird for awhile but we have been friends for too long not to try. Hopefully I will be able to talk to Freddie soon too.....*sighs* we'll see.

In other news, Kate and I are marrying Gwenyth. Don't ask questions. Just come...wearing blue jeans.

Paul called late last night, we talked for awhile. He settles me. I can be all worked up about something silly and I hear his voice and *snaps fingers* all my anxiety goes away. No one has ever been able to do that before. I keep thinking about when he told me he loved me *takes a deep breath* He only said it that once and as much as I shouldn't admit this...I want to hear him say it again. And again...and again.....*sighs*

Oh, and I edited my user info. In case you care :)

OK...I'm off to sleep.

Shout out to Norah. Where the hell are you girl?

12 comments|post comment

WOO HOO [13 Apr 2003|08:14pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I went to the Kids Choice Awards last night, the last thing I have to do for like..a week...

I won Best Female Buttkicker and I'm so excited!!

That is seriously the best awards show there is, the kids faces all smiling and lighted up. Most awards shows are really stuffy and uptight but this one is so laid back and fun! I just always have the best time. I should wear jeans to every awards show from now on.....

9 comments|post comment

Summer teardrops drip from your lips [12 Apr 2003|03:34pm]
[ mood | good ]
[ music | Somewhere Out There--The Freaking Fievel Sndtrk ]

Norah and I finally talked. Trying to piece together the occurances of that evening with her was so frustrating. We were both confused and uncertain about what was said exactly and why we were both so upset. It doesn't matter now, I'm just glad she realized my apology was sincere and that I really did want to put the incident behind us.

I wish some people would do the same.

I haven't forgotten what happened. As a matter of fact, I regret it every single day. I'm scared to approach the situation..terrified...especially after specifically being told to never talk to either of them again...I suppose I should just let it go but I can't help but feel like...*shrugs* like our friendship could be strong again...if the effort was put forth...

It is important for me to mention Paul. That man...just does something to me. You should see the way his eyes dance when he looks at me. I've never felt more special in my life...

...he told me he loved me...

I didn't say it back. Not because...I don't...or that I can't. Just because he told me at the beginning that he wanted to take things slow. He wanted me to be sure of every action I took, every word that was spoken...and I want the same things from him. I am learning to let him in a little, see my insecurities, get to know the parts of me that aren't often shared. And that is a huge step. More than I have allowed in years. I just want to make him happy, and I want that happiness to spread over...an eternity if at all possible. We're getting there...

Anyways, I'm cleaning house...next time I'm going to try to make an entry that doesn't involve ...

14 comments|post comment

I don't even know what to say anymore [08 Apr 2003|11:09pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I have said all I think I can. I apologized, I listened to you.....

I can't believe you are just never gonna talk to me anymore.....

9 comments|post comment

......... [07 Apr 2003|07:45pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I miss my boyfriend...

6 comments|post comment

At least we talked for a few minutes..... [03 Apr 2003|03:03pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I went riding this morning, early, at about 7am. It's always so beautiful there that early and the horses are always so calm...

I thought about you pretty much the whole time...it was peaceful...and I miss you...

Our conversation last night was...short...not satisfying enough *smiles*...It made me want more...and I love that feeling and hate that feeling all at the same time.

I really hope we can get together soon.....really soon...

In other news, "Garfield" is coming along faster than expected and may actually be done ahead of schedule which is....the first time that will ever happen. But a lot of the scenes w/the cat are all post-production so...I guess it's not all that weird...

2 comments|post comment

I'm acting like Katey bug [02 Apr 2003|10:44pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

*stares at the phone*

5 comments|post comment

*runs hands lightly through hair* [29 Mar 2003|10:25am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Etta James-At Last ]

As everyone knows, I've had a lot of things on my mind...*twirls hair lightly, thinking*

I've made a lot of mistakes. And I have re-hashed them over and over again, with other people and in my own mind.

And I'm done.

Last night...I realized that living in and of the past just screws with the future. And I'm not willing to deal with a future that is tainted by my own inability to let the past go....

Paul came over last night. When I opened the door and he was standing there I--*swallows* I really had this horrible feeling that he would just move on. I was so scared...that I had screwed everything up...

He looked so...tired. I knew that's how I looked too, I hadn't slept right in almost a week...and some nights not at all...we just stood there...staring at each other for a few moments and...we just knew. We wanted each other.

We are taking things slow. This means too much to me to be ruined by some off the handle decisions or moments of passion. I want to know him. And I still have some learning to do about myself. I want us to get to know each other, learn each other's quirks...*smiles faintly* learn to make each other happy...

Nothing is perfect however, and there are still situations that I am devestated about. Moving on from the past isn't easy and some things are definately way easier to let go of than others...especially when you know you have hurt people that you care for...*sighs a little*

A special shout out goes to my homies in my special protective forces unit, who helped me out when I thought my whole world was crumbling. Benji, Mandy, Brody, Nat, and anyone who I forgot. You guys are my lil saviors, and i owe you.

Lastly, to Norah and Katey Bug for just being my friends. It means the world.

16 comments|post comment

you don't even know me... [28 Mar 2003|01:18am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I feel like I've been made a fool of. I never expected to meet you. I never expected to feel so comfortable or perfect.....I never felt so good about myself or who I was and who I was in the eyes of someone else until I met you...

And you reciprocated...you told me that night that you wanted to be with me. I told you I was unsure, that I was confused...and then I found out that there were...how many other girls? Ten? Twelve? *shrugs* I figured things were done, kaput.....I was mislead or I read too much into a simple thing, whichever one I figured I should just skidaddle and take my heart with me. We talked. I told you how I felt, that I was still confused and a little hurt...

And then he came along, and he's gorgeous....sweet...gentle...I spent one day with him...one...and all we did was have dinner. I spoke with you.....you told me you didn't want to lose me but that you wanted me to be happy and that you were still confused.....You told me that if I gave it a shot with him, and things didn't work to come back to youhe and you would be ready for me.

I wanted to be happy too. I went out another night, another dinner with him . I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't control it I couldn't help it and I couldn't fight it.

I left him early and got on my computer and Lo-and-Behold I see your entry. *sighs* I came over right away. I just wanted to see you. you said you wanted to be with me...you said you were sure...you said you chose me and that you had told her as much....
I have never felt so relieved in my life, just holding you...and being with you....

What did bother me is your accusations that I fall in love too easily...the last time I was in love was with...Carson. Carson Daly, 4 years ago. I was not in love with Freddie, and I don't believe I'm in love with you...you said you wanted to take things slow...I was OK with that....

Suddenly you changed your mind, you got all...weird...and you said you needed time again...I agreed to give it to you. I agreed with all my heart that I would give you time and let you think about whatever it was that was on your mind. This was after you told me that being with me is what you wanted.

I left...and I prayed all the way home that you would figure things out soon because this is tearing me up inside.

Now...there are these accusations floating around about me...about me "playing" you, about me "hurting people." Yes, I am attracted to him and I went out with him...that was only because I was under the assumption that nothing was going to happen between us. I knew it was a mistake and I told him right away...yes I hurt him but I never meant to. My intentions were nothing but pure. I don't know what she fed you...and I don't know why you don't talk to me about it but I'm hurt....I never meant to hurt you or him, or myself.

I have been honest about what I have wanted from the beginning. you are the one who has changed your mind. If anything, I am the yo-yo here....and I put myself in that position, I know....but that is how I feel....

I'm so hurt and torn and lost that I'm angry with myself...but nothing has changed.

I want to be with you I just need to know if that is even a possibility.

36 comments|post comment

you spin me right round baby right round [27 Mar 2003|03:49am]
[ mood | curious ]

So things got......weird. Well maybe they were always weird. Heh.

__vin told me he had feelings for me. Is that not insanity?? I mean...I don't know...he's gorgeous. I'm excited to see where this leads.....he really is the nicest guy...

Talked to Paul tonight. That was hard...but I think we have...an understanding? Someone confirm that for me...

And I got to know Norah and Kate a little bit...they really are sweethearts. That is all.

35 comments|post comment

at a loss [25 Mar 2003|09:37pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'm seriously roaming around aimlessly lately.....things are......weird......

*bites bottom lip* I can feel myself coming up from my downfall I just don't see anyone waiting at the top...

23 comments|post comment

I'm movin' on [24 Mar 2003|01:38am]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | La Vie Boheme-Rent ]

I don't know why I even talk.....It's not like anybody listens.....*sighs*

Anyhoo--I'm going to forget certain things ever happened, continue to meet new people and better myself to the best of my ability...*nods*

So again I say hello......I'm Love...the AIM is SingmyLOVE8i8

O.....and I start filming "Garfield" tomorrow *nods*

EDIT: Could a certain Paul Walker call me? Kthanx

28 comments|post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]