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*GrOoVy* [23 Oct 2003|05:16pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | yOu: Switchfoot ] I haven’t written in SO long!! Well, not like u care, but I’m gonna update cuz I’m bored… JOSIAH actually imed me today. I haven’t spoken to him in so0o0o long cuz he never answers me or is “too busy” whenever I try 2 catch up w/ him, but its fallen upon deaf ears. I talked to him about it today, but made me feel I’m not worth talking 2 him and maybe I’m not ya know? He started yelling at me so I told him my secret, which too many people know already (some I didn’t tell) so 5 people know… that’s too big of a number. Anyways, he never answered (maybe he was too shocked) I dunno. I have missed him so much, it made me wanna cry sometimes. He only talked to me when he wanted me to do something for him and then ignored me subsequently. I haven’t talked to Lou in SO long!!! Aren’t best friends suppose to talk? She probably doesn’t care anyways, she has other best friends as well. I used to, but we’ve drifted. But I hang out more w/ Kris and Kathryn then Lou… I dunno. Kris and I are going over Katrina’s (AKA Kathryn, I’m just using the name she hates ;) ) house. Its gonna b so awesome!! Paul’s goin 2, maybe Jeremy (yucky! If he starts singing “I love Jennifer! I love Jennifer!” or chases me home again, he better watch his back! Who knows, maybe SOMEONE will start chasing him too, and I won’t lose! LOL Kris, Kathryn and Paul!) Anyways, I can not WAIT TO GO!! We’re gonna go 4 a walk by the woods near her house and we’re gonna have a bonfire! Since she lives like forever away, I can’t go over often but I’m excited!! Oh, and the nursery is getting a schedule so Kris and I can alternate :( I dunno if that’s good or bad… I won’t be hanging w/ Krista as much, but I’ll be able to hog the kids (but only ever other week) I LOVE THOSE KIDS SO MUCH, THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY! There’s Ethan (my monkey man and crazy kid) Evan (hide n go seek king) Amy (lil princess) Ray (shy angel) Jonathan (Pooper!!!!!) Gavin!!! (BUZZ BOY!) and others that don’t go as often… Kris is mad thou that Alisha is gonna start working w/ the primaries along w/ Josh and Kevin (alternating) Alisha and I are friends, but Kris and Alisha are enemies! Its like a mini war every time their together and I hate it! Kris says its Viki’s fault but I like Viki, shes cool and Kris also says Alisha stole her former best friend from her (Sarah) but that was what, 7 years ago? And no one was stolen from anyone, lol. Oh, and I have still chickened out from giving *someone* the note, even though I got closer than ever! I have gotten so much more inspiration from my friends and I like him even more with every passing glance and convo. HES SO AWESOME AND NO ONE WILL EVER MAKE ME THINK OTHERWISE! Looks aren’t everything ya know (Even though Katie calls good looks “sprinkles” lol) I’ve blabbed too much for one day, and overall I’m in a good mood considering I haven’t talked to Lou in so long and that Joe and I got into a kinda fight. Later and love yas 1 comment|post comment

[16 Oct 2003|06:16pm] [ mood | angry ] WHY DO BAD THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME??!?!?!? EVE4RYONE ELSE GETS EVERYTHING THEY WANT EVERY FRICKING DAY AND I GET NOTHING EVER. EVERYONE GETS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING THEY EVER WISHED FOR AND MORE, WHILE I GET NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE ALWAYS BEING TREATED LOW AND BEING MADE LEFT BEHIND. WHY DID I HAVE TO GET PUT LAST?? I WAITED AN HOUR, AND I WAS MADE TO LEAVE BECAUSE THOSE STUPID IDIOTS WERE FRICKING LAZY. THERE GOES MY DAY. I SHOULD OF LEARNED BY NOW THAT I WOULD NEVER GET A GOOD DAY. LIKE U CARE ABOUT MY PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE ANYWAYS post comment

???????nOrMaL??????? [16 Oct 2003|03:37pm] [ mood | okay ] Today I actually felt normal. I felt like I used to two years ago. It was such a refreshing feeling. The only bad part of my day (so far) is that Louise thinks shes crazy, but if she is, I am too because I'm doing the same things and feeling basically the same way... We're not crazy, we're something else that I'm not in the mood to write. She wants to go back into cHw, but shes doing so well! (I'm not w/ the whole monday thing, but if she goes back, she actually might khs) :-( I have been reading a good book. It's like it was written about me... Its nice knowing others feel that way 'n' everything, n that it'll get better after awhile. I just need to stop cMw and keep trying to tell other people like he said to. I'm getting my contacts today (whoo hoo!!) I'm going to go get em soon, i hope their in. Laters and love ya post comment

AlOnE [15 Oct 2003|03:35pm] [ mood | lonely ] I wish people would see the girl behind the smiles and laughter. I wish they would see the person behind this hideous outer surface. See ME and actually care. I wish I didn't have something to hide from everyone. I wish that I could be open and true... but I'm not and I can't. Maybe its because of all of the sorrow and pain, lies and betrayl, loss and heartache I feel. I dunno. I'm just crazy I guess, and I hate it. I hate all of this. Its okay though. I know it'll all get better. It has to get better. I just feel it can't get any worse, so the other other way is up, hopefully. I was going to do it today (give him the note) but on the bus, he was too far back and when i tried, i couldn't. :-( well, now that I know I WILL, tomorrow's always there. :-D It'll hopefully be a good thing to do, and I hopefully won't get rejected because I like him so much: too much. Then I wouldn't have anything good going on in my life to look forward to, cept my friends and God. Laters post comment

I nEeD HeLp [14 Oct 2003|03:42pm] [ mood | depressed ] Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life... I was in my room all day... I was to scared to come down... I now know the truth about what my parents feel about me.. they hate me... and my "friends" don't even know me, only LOUISE does!! No one else knows my secret... and no one ever will because I lie about it, and I'm not proud of that at all... but it doesn't matter anymore, everyone will know soon enough :-'( Louise is cheering me up a lil.. I don't know where I would be without my "sis".. I love her!!! I make her so sad though :-( I feel sick inside... I ruin too much.. I thought all day (thats not a good thing, i should never be left alone in my thoughts :-/) I thought about my life, and cried all day, wrote a lot of poems, cried s'more. prayed a lot, cried more. I feel so empty, confused, unloved... there has been a dark cloud following me for so long :-( I need help. Where did my life go? post comment

.... [12 Oct 2003|08:53pm] [ mood | blah ] :+: OnE oF My PoEms :+: Drowning ©2000 - 2003 Jennifer Mangel. All rights reserved by Jennifer Mangel. I was so lost and depressed I felt there was no way out I needed help so gravely I desperately wanted to shout! I cut myself with a knife A temporary relief to my pain When I felt stressed, gloomy or confused I cut myself again and again I was drowning in the sea of depression When I saw a speck of light above It gently guided me to the shore With its outstanding love Yes, Jesus saved me He was my true guiding light He saved me from my depression When I felt darker then night Sometimes I still feel weary And I sometimes am still depressed But now I know that I’m significant For I’m loved by the best post comment

Disappointed & tired [12 Oct 2003|12:37pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | DaRe ya to MOVE (My song 2 lift me up) ] I can't believe he didn't show up for Chruch again. I was so ready 2 give it 2 him.. Oh well. His dad was there as were his two sisters and Ben... His dad said "he wouldn't get his butt out of bed!" aww. I really missed him!! I would of really did it... I let Kris read it (Second person that has!) She though it was "sweet" lol. That made me happy. It was so sad seeing Ben though... hes the 6 year old who has cancer... He hardly has any hair, he looks so frail and tired... I just want to cry forever after seeing that sweetie pie. Hes such a wonderful kid!! How could this happen to him?? Well, God works in mysterious ways... hopefully he'll be healed. I worked in the nursery today.. Ethan and Jonathan were there. It was just me and Kris watching them. Jonathan STUNK!! PHEW!!! Kris hadta change him though, I wouldn't!! LOL, it stunk up the whole room we had to spray it!! Ethan (Crazy Kid) was so cute! He was climbing in between the chair and everything. Then he hugged me :-D I love that kid (I love them all!) post comment

ThOuGhTs [11 Oct 2003|11:47am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | hErO ] I am going to tell him... I am. (I hope...) I was looking at his picture for about an hour yesterday, I just couldn't get him outta my mind!! Its so hard to like someone this much and for them to not know how you feel... thats why I'm going to tell him, keeping my fingers (and toes!) crossed that there is some hope that he likes me back... hes the only guy I like, the only guy I think is cute (besides Tobey Maguire and Clay Aiken of course!) lol. I have never liked someone this much... I have wrote letters to him only to throw them away later, fearing they weren't good enough for his eyes to see and only one person read one of them (she grabbed it from me) Hopefully, I'll still have this courage to tell him the next time I see him... I don't think I will, but maybe... Love ya and laters post comment

:'( [09 Oct 2003|08:14pm] [ mood | depressed ] I AM SICK OF IT ALL… I am sick of the vast torment and insulting Sara inflicts upon me, I am sick of my friends that aren’t really friends, I am sick of my hating family, I am sick of this constant pressure, I am sick of the fricking DEATH THREATS, I am sick of all of the stress, I am sick of the loneliness, I am sick of it all post comment

JEN IS SO STUPID! [09 Oct 2003|04:31pm] [ mood | disappointed ] I feel that I'm the stupidest person that ever came to be! ~*He*~ sat right across from me on the bus, but did i open my mouth to talk to ~*him*~ or did I even try to give him that note while he was sitting alone, reading?? NO!!! He looked SO0O0 adorable and I couldn't say anything, bevause one side of my brain kept telling me I was going to be rejected, the other side just kept saying JUST TELL HIM!! I followed the wrong side... Anyways, I WILL TRY MY BEST TO TELL HIM TOMORROW!! I changed the note to a poem :-D Its kind of stupid, but I think maybe he would consiter me more if I added a little more artistic flare, even though he probably doesn't like me at all... Well, laters and love ya's. post comment

WoRriEd [08 Oct 2003|03:44pm] [ mood | worried ] I'm so worried about Lou... she has lied to me bout eating, has lied about cHw (if u don't know what that means, GOOD) and about Chelle and all.. cuz she HASN'T been eating and she HAS been cHw... well, I guess this means that I can't eat today either and I have to cMw... cuz when my best friend/soul sister hurts, i hurt... weather that means physically or emotionally. I can't let her go through her pain alone.. she didn't let me. I'm so glad we are close again.. we were drifting for awhile.. I love her so much and I would hate to lose her friendship/sisterhood.. we tell each other everything, unlike I can do with ANYONE else in the world.. Anyways, she is my sole best friend now... Kris and I aren't really BEST friends anymore.. just friends I guess. I guess thats okay, as long as we're still friends... :( I can't trust her really. she likes to tell others everyone elses business.. like she told someone who I liked, and other things.. and i never told her or ANYONE else besides Lou (well, a few other people know too, but I never told them like Meg and Danielle...) about cMw... I dunno. I never wanted anyone to know... Later and love ya post comment

I'M A COWARD [07 Oct 2003|03:34pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | BOMB ] I have problems!!! The PERFECT opportunity was there for me to tell him BUT I BLEW IT AND DIDN'T SAY ONE WORD TO HIM! I'm like the cowardly lion and I hate it!!! :( :( I coulda done it, but I DIDN'T!!! I can't stand myself. I am awful in every way. I am a stupid, ugly, pathetic, cowardly, evil, rude, HORRIBLE person... and u know what I'll b doing later.. Love ya and Later post comment

Thinkin... [07 Oct 2003|01:34am] I have been thinking all day... mainly about ~*Someone*~ but also about other stuff... like what happened to Joe? Him and I used to be such great friends... Jenna said he has changed so much since they broke up, and their not even friends now... I dunno. I just miss him I guess. And Lenny, phew!!! Hes awesome. I love that kid. He liked to pick on me, its great. And, I can talk to him after "girl" stuff (ie: guys) and hes so great about it. He talks to me about his lil guy stuff too (ie: sports, girls he likes, etc) and its just so great to talk to someone about EVERYTHING. I can't even do that w/ Lou, Kathryn and Kris. I can only w/ Katie and Lenny. Lenny used to really annoy me (He sure knew how to bug me!) and we got in stupid lil fights (and one big one) but I don't know what I would do w/o him... EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW KATIE AND LENNY!!! THEY ARE SUCH GREAT(like Tony the tiger says!!), WONDERFUL, KIND, and just awesome!! I dunno why everything has been changing lately. Kris seem so distant, and I haven't spoken to Lou in so long! I miss her and I don't know what happened. Shes the only person in the whole world who knows one thing about me, and I talk to her about that thing a lot because she does it too (please don't ask what it is... no one else understands) but she doesn't know about *~Someone~* (well, she knows a little, but doesn't care) and always wants to talk about Jess or Liam or Michelle or her mom or err. It gets annoying that she never listens to me really. And Kathryn.. shes hard to explain. We are getting closer, but we will never be really close. I can tell.. she doesn't seem interested in things I like to talk about.. well it doesn't matter I guess... I WISH MY FRIENDS WENT TO NFHS!!! Instead, they live so far in like Rochester and Buffalo, Barker, Olcott and stuff. I hate it!! I have to to travel so far to see them vise versa. Kris lives here as do Paul and Jenn, but were not close anymore... Later post comment

Bored...Sick...Tired...Thinkin'... [06 Oct 2003|05:15pm] Today hasn't been the best of days... I woke up to get yelled at and then went to school to get yelled at s'more... it sucks... and to top it all off ~*Someone*~ wasn't on the bus today and I had a note 4 him, and now he won't ever get it cuz I'll never have that courage again!! :-( I'll try to work on it, even though I feel I'll be rejected.... Well, I haven't seen nor talked to Kathryn, Kris, Louise, or Katie, which is really upsetting cuz I need to talk to them, especially LOU!!! I haven't talked to her in almost a week now, and I'm worried... I just hope shes not going around doing stupid things again. :-( I'm so worried... Well, later and love ya post comment

People who make me happy [05 Oct 2003|07:50pm] [ mood | thankful ] Kathryn Louise and Kris(sometimes...) KATIE!!!! (shes so sweet, theres never a time when I talk to her that she DOESN'T make me happy!!!) Marissa, Ethan(CRAZY!!), Gavin(Buzzzz), Ben (Hes so special, a bright lil angel.. I love him so much) , Anna, Melody, Amy, Evan, Nathan (my lil buddy!!) and all the rest of my "kids" (Kids I babysit and watch at the nursery @ church sometimes) My cousin Jessica ~*Someone Special*~ Danielle K. Jessica G. Joyce Marlene and Pastor (Mr. and Mrs. Burling) Jenny and Alan Patty and Mark 2 comments|post comment

ERRR [05 Oct 2003|06:36pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | DaRe YoU 2 mOvE: SwiTChFooT ] I absolutly HATE it here (at my grandparents house) They treat me like dirt... well, actually dirt is regarded higher... They are so... ERR... they make me so much more depressed (no wonder one of my "hobbies" is mainly done on Sunday nights...) I was suppose to go to Allys house but then everything was changed and I COULD of gone w/ Kathryn to Jenn and Alans to babysit and I wish I would of known I wasn't going over Allyson's sooner. I would be having a fun time now like yesterday instead of this torture chamber... don't get me wrong, I love Grandma and Peter so much, more than words can express, but they just don't understand so many things that hurt me... I can't wait to maybe go over Jenn and Alans to watch the kids next week. I love it! I hope Kathryn will be there!! Shes so cool and we are becoming such great friends. At least I have some places I can always go, knowing I'm love there and wanted :-D Unlike here and home... My havens are church, Jenny&Alans place, the creek (my special place where I go to read, write or just think...) going out w/ my friends and with Joyce. I'm never happier than those times. I'm just glad I have them, and I'm so thankful. post comment

Kids, Kids, KIDS!!! [05 Oct 2003|01:02pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | dAnCiNg in the MoOnLiGhT ] Another day watching kids: but today was only an hour, not all day at the CBCN. There were Ethan, Evan and Amy. I love those kids, and Ethan is my CRAZY BABY. Hes just too much, lol. I love him to pieces. Heck, I love em all to pieces!! Ethan was going crazy, lol, he drew on his ba-ba and then he tried climbing up in the crib so I put him in there and he threw all the toyus out, and then Amy was yelling to get in, so I put her in too and Evan wanted to play hide 'n' seek.. PHEW!! I love it so much. Some of my kiddies weren't there today!! I missed them.. Oh, GUESS WHO wasn't AT CHURCH?? :-( I wrote that note over like six times, and now I'll probably never give it to him... Maybe him not going was some kind of sign to NOT give him the note cuz he won't respond the way that I hope.. Oh well, I don't know what to do... I just can't get over him ever if I don't know how he feels because I like him so much, and I have for a year so I hope that he feels the same... I'm losing my best friends.. Louise I hadly talk to anymore and Kris is just... SHE ANNOYS ME cuz she always HAS to be right and everything has to be "Kristas way" or no way at all.. especially with the kids... she takes control and I have no say whatsoever. I don't know, it'll never be the same since Fantasy Island when she ditched Kathryn and I to flirt, and then totally screamed at us like WE were in the wrong. Well, I still have Kathryn and I'm so glad I talked to her today... :-D shes so awesome, we're becoming better friends day by day. I love that girl. Same with Katie.. we are getting so much closer... We USED to be really close, then we drifted, now we're back full force and I love it... Later and love ya post comment

Kids, Kids, KIDS!!! [05 Oct 2003|12:47pm] [ mood | crazy ] Another day watching kids: but today was only an hour, not all day at the CBCN. There were Ethan, Evan and Amy. I love those kids, and Ethan is my CRAZY BABY. Hes just too much, lol. I love him to pieces. Heck, I love em all to pieces!! Ethan was going crazy, lol, he drew on his ba-ba and then he tried climbing up in the crib so I put him in there and he threw all the toyus out, and then Amy was yelling to get in, so I put her in too and Evan wanted to play hide 'n' seek.. PHEW!! I love it so much. Some of my kiddies weren't there today!! I missed them.. Oh, GUESS WHO wasn't AT CHURCH?? :-( I wrote that note over like six times, and now I'll probably never give it to him... Maybe him not going was some kind of sign to NOT give him the note cuz he won't respond the way that I hope.. Oh well, I don't know what to do... I just can't get over him ever if I don't know how he feels because I like him so much, and I have for a year so I hope that he feels the same... I'm losing my best friends.. Louise I hadly talk to anymore and Kris is just... SHE ANNOYS ME cuz she always HAS to be right and everything has to be "Kristas way" or no way at all.. especially with the kids... she takes control and I have no say whatsoever. I don't know, it'll never be the same since Fantasy Island when she ditched Kathryn and I to flirt, and then totally screamed at us like WE were in the wrong. Well, I still have Kathryn and I'm so glad I talked to her today... :-D shes so awesome, we're becoming better friends day by day. I love that girl. Same with Katie.. we are getting so much closer... We USED to be really close, then we drifted, now we're back full force and I love it... Later and love ya post comment

...Cool Day... [04 Oct 2003|11:22pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | ::Groove Tunes:: AKA Spiderman theme song ] I just got back from Jenny and Alan's house (Known to most people my age as Mr. and Mrs. Stockings, cuz their teachers...) I was watching their three kids along w/ my friend and helping them move into their new house. They are so cool! Jenny is so awesome!! Shes so interesting and funny. Shes also SOOOOO talkitive and I love it. Alan is so funny too, lol. And their kids, Melody, Marissa (Rissa or MarElmo [The second one I gave to her up, lol]) and Gavin. Melody is 6 1/2, Rissa is 5 in a week, and Gavin is 2 in two weeks. I swear, those kids are lil balls of energy, especially Melody! SHE CAN PICK ME UP AND SHES SO YOUNG! And, she weighs about my weight.. Shes a strong thang. Marissa is so sweet, I love her to pieces. And Gavin, whoa, he wore me out!! He wants to climb the stairs and screams if u don't let him.. BUT he can't get down, so I had to carry him down like 12 times, and Marissa wanted me to pick her up and spin her a lot (After I did it once, she made me do it again and again and again! phew!) Anyways, it was a fun time, better than I think the alternative would have been (homecoming) Then my friend and I gabbed and chatted w. Jenny and Alan long after the kids slept and then my mom kept calling the cell, bugging me to come home cuz it was late (About 10:30...) SO I hadta come back here, so here I am :-D I'm glad I went today, and overall I had a great day... Good times :-D (I love em all) Later and much love post comment

...wAiTiN... [04 Oct 2003|11:00am] [ mood | cold ] Err, I'm waiting for Krissy, Joyce, Jenn or SOMEONE to call me tell me when I have to go over Jenn and Alan's house and who I'm being picked up by... They SAID they were going to call early, and its ELEVEN.. Well, its okay. I'll just go over someone elses house if I don't go there cuz I need to get away from this house!! :-/ Anyhoo, he wasn't there yesterday, and I feel I'm losing my courage. I folded up the note nice and perr-dee and I'll probably just throw it away now!! :-/ I annoy myself. Well, I'll probably see him Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday (lol) and Saturday, so I have many chances, but my stomache is all jumbled up!! Oh, and SOMEONE had to blurt out his name yesterday when we were walking with Paul (The guy that likes me... :-&) and I KNOW hes going to tell him even if I don't and that'll suck even more!! Well, yesterday Joyce took Paul, Kris and I out to eat and that was so sweet!! We hadta bring it back though, so we snuck up the stairs so Jeramey wouldn't spot us and cough on it, that sick lil kid! But he didn't, and after we ate, Kris, Paul and I directed the games for KFJ... I THOUGHT it was going to be fun, but I FORGOT what a selfish dictating girl my best friend is!! She had to direct all the games, she contridicted everything i said, and to make it all worse, she started YELLING at me so I left for awhile cuz she made me so mad and I'm not the type of person to yell so I had to blow off my steam.. so when I came back, Joyce made her let ME direct some of the games (I really love that lady!!) and Kris was kinda mad at me, but I don't care.. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. post comment

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