Blurty for Emily.

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Wednesday, June 11th, 2003

Subject:and i choke
Time:9:26 pm.
this medicine. is awful.

everything is perfect.

running the razor over my stomach.
watch the blood flow.

and it's perfect.

sticking pins.
needles.
into my arms.

and the drops of blood.
are perfect.

carving. scraping.
with the kitchen knife.
until the blade is red.

it's all so goddamn perfect.







and it's killing me
Comments: Give it all away.

Subject:Are you listening?
Time:5:59 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
I took a walk by the ocean.

I was afraid.
Huge.
Black.
Water.

The water around my ankles was ice cold.
I was numb.

I saw a jellyfish.
I watched the tide swallow it up.

The water was so rythmic.
It swelled up into a wave.
Crashed on shore.

Swell.
Crash.
Swell.
Crash.

It was so steady.
I took comfort in it's consistancy.

I felt at ease as the water engulfed my calves.

I loved the water.

All fear left.
Doubt stayed.

I wanted to make love to the water.
Submit my body to its vastness.

I saw a jelly fish.
I watched the tide swallow it up.
Jelly fish didn't have control.
Didn't have a choice.

I have a choice. )
Comments: Give it all away.

Subject:maybe everything is tragic and temporary
Time:4:42 pm.
Mood: blank.
i press against hard bone
but it feels so weak. small. fragile.
i feel like a goddamn bird

hollow

so i can fly.
Comments: Give it all away.

Tuesday, June 10th, 2003

Subject:broken
Time:10:22 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
I wouldn't be able to if i tried.

I can still feel the warmth of your lips on my neck. and your strong hands on my waist. and stomach.

I felt vulnerable. I was yours.
I feel fragile.

And I hate it.

I hate that your smell still lingers in my hair. And your voice still ringing in my ears.

I might as well be the napkin smudged with her lipstick. the napkin stuffed in the cup of the drink that got you dizzy.

Enough.

You win.
I admit it.
This sorrow.

This pain.

I wish this heat I feel was from my lies.
Not yours.

I hate you.


I still want you.
Comments: 2 had someone to come home to Give it all away.

Subject:we accept the love we think we deserve
Time:10:20 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:linkin park.
i feel intense and strange for some reason.
i have so many plans. things to do. places to go. papers to fill.

i wanted to melt into my sheets knowing that you would be beside me until i opened my eyes.
my jeans are dirty because i do my own laundry. rarely.
i'm wearing the same shirt i wore yesterday.

and i do not care.

i want chocolate.
and french fries. and pepsi.

a girl i have never met or talked to, i don't know her name or where she came from,
greeted me.

and i felt endless.
and the steps of my feet felt important.

i feel alive.

they understand as well as they ever will. it's not complete. it's not enough. but it's the best they can do. and i can't ask for anything more.

i'm more appreciative of my atmosphere and my fingers and words and their glances.
and his green eyes that i've never seen.

god i feel lovely.
Comments: Give it all away.

Blurty for Emily.

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