7:11PM - u beautiful man ;)
o yes :) very very very :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................:)
Current mood: 
dirty
dirtyo yes :) very very very :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................:)
dirtyu want sommit to read madam lol :) ok well here goes, i cant guarantee its interest level but at least its 100% new.........mostly. so yeah, i just got back from droppin u home.........no odd questions........no odd looks.........seems promisin :) i did really enjoy ur company, ur very companionable :) an im not just sayin that cos u were upset :( partly i did want to make u happy, but i also wanted u to know that everything i said will always be the truth :) we should be enjoyin these teenage years and i intend to, and if that involves havin u as a friend then i cudn't ask for more or ne better ok :) thats the only truth an im gonna stick to it, honesty is after all the best policy!
yey...........neway, schools alrite, piece of piss, so many frees, so few lessons. i have a feelin that this year may be more enjoyable than was previously intended.............which is nice...........and after all.....................................
peace an respect y'all
accomplishedhmmmmmmmm, i never can think of anything particually mesmerising to write, so i think ill just babble for a while...............er..........shit i cant even think of anything to babble about at this juncture..............but i really need to write something here or else whats the point in having this little thing aye.......none.........bugger all basically. rite, iv been lookin at this screen for 6 mins and i cant think of anything to write, god im so so very dull.................
its the last proper night of the holiday and me and my mates cudn't be bothered to go out anywhere, steve didn't fancy it and i prefered to go swimming.......o the livlieness, weirdly im kinda lookin forward to goin back to school. it means i can just get back into a lovely routine and that makes life so much simpler really. i just want nice simplicity surrounded by ppl who are too concerned with themselves to see whats goin on around them......lol, that sounds well nasty but i cant help it if the majority of ppl are utterly selfish.........this doesn't include my friends, im talkin about the people at school who can best be descibed as devoid of personality really. i like em really. they make the day fun with their monosalavic chit chat they try to make to make it look like their makin an effort wen really they want nothing to do with u lol and they want u to ask them about them so they can drop in just how great they are for a bit longer...............ironically as those that wud know me know. im not modest.............so...........but i know im doin it...........these ppl are genuinely unaware of their incredible belief in their self worth.
i dunno y im even writing this, i spose its cos im preparing my self for the comin term.............ah the joys. im not tryin to even be nasty, if i were try then ud all know about it.
anyway, shud really change the subject, im not even in a bad mood lol, it just seems like it :)
at least we start back on thursday, which gives me a couple of days to get back into it and a nice couple of says after to recover from the shock to the system that it will inevitably bring.........i think i shall cope with this by getting utterly fucked off my face on friday :D as i did last week............o it was horrible lol. we went to the castle (shit hole) but steve got told to leave.........fair dos.........we are all under 18 lol, then we went to the white hart and i got in but everyone else had to argue with the bouncer and eventually they got in which i was suprised about, their very stubborn bastards those bouncers usually, i spose it was because it was steves sis arguin and bouncers are all sex deprived perverts. anyway, we got in their, got a round in and realised just how dead it was............fuck that we........well i decided and i suggested we go to romford and a club called rm1 in particular cos we weren't dressed for anywhere else basically and id also never been there so i thought itd be fun.......anyway, this was half nine ish and we left and got to rm1 at about half ten.........maybe it was more like quarter to 10 wen we left then...........i dont remember lol.........barin in mind id been drinkin with my dinner and in the pub from about 7 so i was already quite pissed already lol :D
anyway, nothin cud prepare me for rm1........well lets just say its not like any club iv ever been too..........;) well 1st impression............smoke......and lots of sweaty grunger types lol but cheap beer.......which sadly i did not realise extended to stella till about my 3rd.......hmmmm, very perterbing lol so we were stuck drinkin the 1.50 sweat after that but u cant complain wen the dirt is wel..........dirt cheap.
i enjoyed it, i dunno about ne1 else. they played rammstein.............i got all excited, lots of air guitar ensued........very amusing lol and i bumped into lots of the "really cool" grungers from school..........well...........not everything can be great lol. anyway, it all flew by in a drunken blur, lots of dancin, lots of drinkin, lots of sweat and lots and lots of wee later we left to get the last train. steve said never again but i think ill give it another go sometime, i think it was my kind of place really :) dance/rock music and cheap beer, quality really :)
only downside was that i had to get up early for work the next day which was a real pig of a day. i cudn't cope, b4 that friday off, my last day off had been the tuesday of the week b4..........fuck that must be illegal and i was ill and very hungover so i was pretty much a wreck...........ah crap lol
well iv written a bit more than i expected to..............
er............nice
and chris, u have all my effort for friends ok.........no doubts :) im willin to try nethin to keep u a part of my life, as a friend that is :) that is if u even read this thing lol
peace and respect to ya'll
this is odd...........wenever i write a long entry the song im listenin to by the end is always you held the world in your arms by idlewild...........how very peculiar......
ta ta :)
contemplativeThe Light at the End of the World
Shadows grab through the window
Everything turns to dust
I hear the songs of the spirits
Why am I not deaf
Night defeats the sunlight
It creeps out of its hole
Panic grows in my face
How much longer
Finiteness envelopes me
in this hallucination
I'm fighting alone against myself
much to long already
Show me the light at the end of the world
Take me with you to the end of time
Show me the path and the destination
Give me the hand the holds me
Show me the light at the end of the world
Black splinters of my soul
Breathing becomes hard for me
Cold hands on my throat
I can't feel anything anymore
The night rules, life stays quiet
and lays down in its grave
I lay by its side
and wait for the day
Free me from this darkness
Show me the light that life makes
so that the storm in my head will let up
at the end of this night
Help me to not lose myself
Help me to see hope
There's so much to regret
There's so much to understand
Help me to not lose myself
(Help me) to never be lonely again
Tell me I'm not alone
i never noticed b4, but it says "event" above this box...........are we all sposed to have well entertaining lives with major "events" every day....if so. no fair, i want mine lol iv been workin mostly at school, and i have to work at f+t tomorrow and monday and then im workin at school till thursday where i have friday off......which is nice..........i really have to keep tellin myself its just for the money.............money is good :) makes the wonderful world go round which is nice.........but in the mean time, work is a very cruel torture involving scraping the skin from my fingers with cardboard boxes and other such fun things :)
other than that tho.......im alrite i spose, just as life was gettin all idyllic, that has to be put on hold tho doesn't it..........again :( i had the nads of a day with chris on tuesday, it was just.........lovely.......we just went up london and toured 2 of the parks lol, cos we have o so much money lol well we ended up in regents park which was also very lovely, and apparently london zoo is in it :S i must be so blind lol but yeah chris had fun chasing the pigeons and squiggels with my camera.........lol...........it was just cute to watch :) the look on her face was amazing :D
all in all it was a lovely day. its all goin well. unrequited?...............damn right it is :D i love her lots and lots :) amen brother lol and i think she knows im commited............u do dont u............lol
anyhoow, o yeah, i got my results...........they cud have been worse i spose
i go in order of goodness
A in general studies
B in English Literature
C in History
E in Economics
E in German
ah well..................i know no1 really reads this, but it makes me feel better.............feelin better u know, lookin back at some of the other stuff iv written b4, life is nice :) i like it, or............i will like it wen i can see chris for more than one day and then she'll actually be at her house the next and not in some foreign country. thatd be nice
"you held the world in your arms tonight"
blah*sigh*.................i just wrote a long thing.........and it crashed..........*sigh* im gonna go to bed and worry about my exam results an the impending doom that is me dropping out of school and joinin up................*sigh*
annoyedso very tired, exercise is sehr sehr schlecht fur meinem body. feels like im bein ripped in 2 straight thru my crotch...........this can never be good lol did 80 lengths tho, not as many as i wanted to but it'll do i spose. ill regret every second of it tho wen i work tomorrow, up an down stair with boxes of crap will soon put an end to my thoughts of actually getting fitter lol o the things we go thru simply to look better naked....i mean.....be able to pass tests to get into the army....er....yeah :)
nehoow, it was a nice day today, spent a good proportion of the day with chri$ in all her entirety :) very nice. we wrote the "how to ruin a relationship in 10 easy steps" well it was only 10 wen we were finished with it. we just sat in the lovely gloom that was today in south weald park and hid behind my very bad behaving umbrella to stop the wind from blowin us over the rainbow (see the wizard of oz lol) an yeah, we just chatted, an she intoduced me to these cheesy cracker things that i cant remember the name of an they were so yummy. i want more!!!!!!
the situation as it stands now is a good one. we're friends, which a couple of months ago im not scared to admit i wouldn't have liked but its workin out good thus far :) we can talk the hind legs off a donkey still an thats really nice. i can just talk about pretty much nethin lol an she doesn't always run away screamin in fear of her life..........always :) i will make it work this time.......friends that is. shes my buddy an nothin is gonna stop that now. my best buddy ok! :) im proud to say that
an everything iv written probably sounds well.............erm...........over the top, i dunno. i feel good, strange what exercise does to u lol :)
peace
dorkyerm...........its late, im tired and have to get up in the mornin early for work. it couldn't possibly get any better really could it lol
other than that. iv been tryin lately to reinvent myself. i do it every so often. last time i remember properly was back in the summer of year 10 - 11 wen i went from bein lil indie boy to bein lil greebo boy. anyway. that me lasted long enuff and is bein replaced by the looks wise at least. homosexual me lol..........i swear.........tight t shirts rule but they do do the whole gay reputation no good what so ever. i just really could do with the physique to match lol ah well, its on its way.
as well as a good week, it has been strange and i wud never have foreseen any of it happening......
i, like i sadly normally find, cant think of nething to say now............ bugger
god..........make me a more interestin person please :) thatd be nice
peace
lethargicits a good day, its been a good week an i feel fine.
note to self........... more modesty and less egoism........
sorry for not bein very nice about perez...........i just dont know what else to say about the guy :( sorry
peace
fullwhat does exanimate mean? beats me and beating is always good :) hmmmmm, what to write, what to write. iv been workin all week an altho its been lining my pockets, it has been tiring. some of it was fun. par example, goin thru ppls lockers an throwin away everything an i mean everything......except this cool girls playboy purse.......i kept that.........neone want it..........go for it. we then proceeded to smash the lockers up with a crow bar to "make the easier to move" ;) that was quite fun. yesterday was quality tho cos they gave us a sledge hammer and said make some cabinets smaller..........we did...........we made splinters :) other than that tho, iv had to move boxes an boxes of shite around an some of the teachers are really weird.......one had 5 swords and 2 replica guns in his room..........very strange man, an he looks so normal :S
other than that, i was knackered on wednesday cos not only did i go swimmin till half 10 but wen i got home i was on the phone to chris for like 3 hours. it was nice tho, just talkin an chattin an generally bein cool. twas cool :) i missed her voice. sounds silly i know but true.
tomorrow shud be good tho. im playin teacher to her tomorrow.....swimmin lesson with me........the king lol yeah....no idea what im gonna do......"er......dont drown" it'll b quality an if its a nice day then theres the out door pool which is always nice to play in. an even if it rains...........in that there pool cos ill be wet neway so it wont matter now will it. an i get paid tomorrow. yey!!!!! at last, new trainers!
erm..........i dunno what to say now. its been a nice week really, in all............perty good :) cant complain, and i am glad im talkin to chris again :)........cept she ran out of damn credit lol.......i hope work was bareable for her.
peace out
Si
"history is made by those who say no"............damn right lol
exanimatefairly easy day today, worked, sat around for 4 hours there gettin paid cos there was nothin to do, cud have been worse, id have just sat around at home doin nothin, an i wudn't have got paid for it. an also, weirdest things, we spent the mornin emptying all the lockers and i found some weird stuff. i found an advert for sams nightclub. one of their under 18's things. dated tuesday 20th november 2001. i kept that cos it kinda has really nice memories for me and it was just so strange to find it there........... other than that, nothin particually memorable has happened today. swimming later on so that'll be a nice way to wind down. such good escapism, nothin to think about except countin my lengths which is harder than it sounds suprisingly lol
nehoow. peace out
"let me hear you make decisions without your televisions"
Si
contemplativeWe're dying young - megaherz
No time to lose
Try everything out
Enjoy the day
Maybe you won't come home
Don't wait for tomorrow
It doesn't matter, damn it
Take what you need every day
There is no next time
Let the others look into the distance
Forget time
Just stand still
Don't wait any longer
Tomorrow doesn't matter
Don't turn around
We - we're dying young
Don't wait any longer
The future is past
Don't turn around
We - we're dying young
Don't think about later
Only the moment is real
The future is a white lie
There is no next time
Tomorrow is past
The future is all the same to us
Let the others wander
The will see it too one day
Let the others look into the distance
Forget time
Just stand still
Don't wait any longer
Don't turn around
We're dying young
Let them go
Let them wander
Let the rest of the world stand
It doesn't matter
We're dying young
relaxeddamn right it is, this year is over. i just finished the last of 6 history essays i had to do, an now theyre all done an im happy. i also did my last official thingy as head boy for the year on tuesday. i had to introduce the junior awards ceremony......woo hoo! that was mighty fun lol. and even better news. i passed my driving theory test. i got 34 out of 35 on the questions an 51 out of i dunno on the hazard wank. its all damn good :) 10 weeks till the practical........well up for it now. on top of that, the cunt outta the white stripes broke his finger hehehehehehehehhehehe that put a smile on my face. findin out that on a day wen i passed my test an it was sunny makes that a damn good day in my books........and rammstein are releasing a dvd with all their videos on................if this week was gettin ne better, id like to see it try! finish school tomorrow at quarter to 1.........such a nice feelin. an im workin next week full time at school..........so thats a fuckin fortune in my pocket straight off..........£222 for five days work, u just cant complain can ya :) an with no tax nemore, speakin of which, im owed 57 quid tax back.............i shall enquire.
damn fine.
the sun would be shining if it was day time an im happy!
"follow the day and reach for the sun!"
giddyother than stickin to my chair cos my blood is actually boiling..............im in a well good mood tonight. unusual for me but iv felt well good since this weekend. probably the weather has sommit to do with it, an that im actually feelin good about myself. its good to actually like myself again..........lol its a strange feelin. its gettin better tho, everythings goin from strength to strength :)
amusederm yeah, sittin, chillin, tired, but its so bloody hot here......surrounded by 2 computers blarin away at me, an i cant be bothered to sleep, cos despite being tired........i feel suprisingly active.........its a viscious cycle cos i know ill be knackered tomorrow. this weeks goin nice an quickly with it bein thursday already tomorrow.........takes the mick really. cant complain tho, workin both days this weekend so more money lining my pockets.........30 pieces of silver wasn't it that judas got :) well im gettin more matey an u had to sentence one of ur mates to death for it............ah well.
recent events have made me realise the futility of the moment, so.....its not worth livin for the moment cos the moment is crap so as i figure it. if i aim high enough then everything else will just fuck off. thats y i swim twice a week, a thing which im doin quicker an quicker now, which means im wasted the next day cos i push myself harder and last night i found that i cud hardly chew the mars bar after cos every muscle even my jaw suprisingly was knackered. its worst on tuesdays cos its 9 30 till 10 30 so as well as gettin to bed later, it means i cant have a shower then an so i have to get up earlier to have a shower which in itself adds a new dimension of tiredness. im reapin the rewards tho. i feel healthier, my muscles are more toned and are defining more which is exactly what i want. and im putting on weight which is something else i need to do. it sound stupid but for ages i cudn't get over 11st 3 but iv gone up to 11st 7 which is nice, an im not losin it either. as i see it tho, this isn't enough so im increasing my workload an im gonna go with my sis to kick boxing lessons on mondays and also do either weights or press ups on the days im not doing anything else. when combined with running on sunday nights after work. i think ill be doing just fine :)
"it's getting better, it's getting better all the time"
relaxedi think today will serve as an adequate time to let it rest now. this is all for u chris. u were right. i do hate you, no more than i hate myself though. and i only hate u cos i love u and cant have u. u know i have no tact and today i proved it in the most insensitive way. so there we go. ill never start a convo with u again and i can be sure u wont want to start one with me. as always. i screw up once and it devastates. never seems to work the opposite way round tho does it. theres nothing i can say that i haven't said before now so there we go.
i'm sorry and i love you and i always will do, that's a guarantee i cant control my heart wont let me stop loving you. I should have given up the first time you turned me down, maybe i could have salvaged something from this an i could have left you to sort yourself out and also, i wudn't have fucked up as majorly as i just did. i'm sorry
Vertical Horizon - Love's light
Well I know that no one is to blame
But do you feel my strength when you call my name
'Cause I feel yours inside
How could this be more right
And I have traveled through my mind
I've given all my dreams up to time
Tell me what else can I do
We'll I'm nothing without you
But you, you just don't know what to do
I guess I'll have to lose my love for you
These feelings cannot stay
'Cause I'm withering away
I'm withering away
Withering away
And teardrops are all that I can give
But do you really know what true love is
Don't let it slip away
This doesn't happen everyday
And you'd have no problem without me
So take this song as my apology
But you have closed my eyes
And love's light shall never rise
Shall never rise on me
Shall never rise
It shall never rise
And I'm scared I'll never hold you again
But I know that no one is to blame.
apatheticone of those days really, where i sit around too long with no distraction an i think too much. Fuck you brain, y do u have to think ever. everything reminds me of stuff an i cant take it. i thought it was all getting better but its not. it's just not. i hate being alone but at the mo im not happy in big groups......thats what comes from being an outsider in a group of friends. i try an do other stuff or thinking about other stuff but no..........my head an heart just wont let go an the ache has returned. the fucking heart ache. i just cant see it going away. look at me now, what a mess lol the phone still has not arrived......i am annoyed cos i know it'll help take my mind off things, pathetic as it sounds but it will...........i pray
damn u body an mind
contemplativei remember today 2 years ago. the weather was just like this, it was a friday an i was in year 10. we're talkin the days before i fell in love with german industrial music......that doesn't happen till the 19th july. about a month before this day my life fell apart. i was dumped an i felt like shit. it took a few weeks, a few quality weeks down at thriftwood climbin an stuff in the sun an it was pure escapism. those weeks nothin really went wrong an on the 29th june 2001 i spose u cud call it a pivotal day. i met nadia an that day my life changed, although as it turns out its kinda been like a roller coaster, all ups an downs but if i hadn't met her, then the last 2 years would have been very different indeed. strange really. how life is just one big circle really, everything comes an repeats itself eventually.............ah well
pensiveif i have one ability that i treasure with a kind of.........semi hatred lol is my ability to make people hate me, wherever i go, whatever i do.........its uncanny an u can actually see the moment it occurs an they hate u......legendary lol. this weekends been the tits, last night was so so so damn good, an we even saw some1 get hit by a car to top off the night :) u just cant pay for that kind of entertainment. an another quality thing, the bar staff were so stupid, i got 3 pints for £2.50...........er..........an also, if i hadn't bought a tenners worth of drinks for 2 girls then i wudd only spent 3 quid in total................nah......i dunno how that works either. all good tho :) an the sheer fact that while all around u ge id'd............i didn't, not once...........achievement!
just bloody knackered now, fuck it...............legendary
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