Time flies when you're a father 17 Jun 2003 - 21:54 mood  -  chipper music  -  Chris and Lys playing guitar Lys is sick again. I think being on the road finally caught up with her. We're busy trying to keep her comfortable, and watch over the twins. CJ is crawling...and get this...Krissy is walking now. So, it's not as easy as it was when they both were immobile. Thankfully, Chris was there for the firsts. I can't even explain how good it was to see the joy on his face. It made everything I've given up worth it. Krissy was trying to do it without him, but I scooped her up and kept her on my hip until Chris got home that night. Then we sat down and watched her take her first step...together. It's amazing how much joy the little things bring. We're back home in Florida...and I'm glad, but I know it bothers Chris somewhat. I wish things had turned out differently, but at the same time, this is what we need right now. I don't know what I'm going to do when he kicks off his fall tour. We'll probably pack up and go with him, but hotels are so...they're not home. And God knows there will be countless fits like the one Alyssa threw the one night when she couldn't have strawberry milk with her macoroni and cheese...But, he's worth it. In other news, I bought Lys a guitar about a week ago or so, and we've discovered that the little one has a talent. She watches Chris intently, and between that and hearing the songs constantly, she's picked up on four of his songs already, and can play them perfectly. It's amusing to watch them, he stares at her in awe, and she does the same, then they both smile with this spark of excitement in their eyes. They spend hours upon end just sitting there playing together. I guess she's her father's girl in that respect. I'm really glad that she has him. There's something there...that they've found in each other, that is just so amazing...words can't even describe it. Every day, I wake up, and my love for him is stronger than the day before. I'm not sure how that's possible, considering I love him so much I feel as if there's no more room in my heart for anymore love, but I prove that's wrong every minute of every day. He's a wonderful father...the best....the best husband I could ever ask for...and the best friend I've ever had. Everything you'd ever need in life, I've found in him. I miss everyone....Randy, Brian, Mandy.... I feel as if I'm so out of the loop. We never get out, seeing as though we barely have time to think, and it's kind of like watching the rest of the world pass by you... Please, guys, stop by...come see us. There's no need to call, just drop on in. We miss you....and I don't know about Chris, but I'm missing adult interaction beyond him. *chuckles* 1 - leave me one

I hate leaving. 09 Jun 2003 - 06:47 mood  -  disappointed *checks Alyssa's bag to make sure she has everything, then glances over at his sleeping form. Rubs face and sighs heavily* Why couldn't you just say you'd come? *checks on the kids, all of them still sound asleep, then walks back into the bedroom, standing in the doorway, watching his chest rise and fall peacefully.* *walks over to the bed and lays down next to him carefully, running fingers through his hair then placing a soft kiss to his lips, closing eyes and holding him one last time* *whispers, fighting the tears stinging his eyes* I'd give everything up for you. I wish you could do the same. *sighs and climbs out, grabbing the bags, glancing back at him one last time then going to wake the kids* leave me one

02 Jun 2003 - 06:46 mood  -  blah So I've put it off. I'll still make some appearances here and there as long as I don't have to leave, but, I'm staying with Chris and our children. My heart just wouldn't be into it if I went on the whirlwind promotion they had set for me. I know I'm going to disappoint some people, but you can't make everyone happy, and Chris and the kids are what matter to me. It's a little weird...I've never seen him on the road before. I mean, I of all people understand that you're different when you're touring, but I'm so used to him...Chris Carrabba...the husband and father...not Chris Carrabba the "rock star." He walked back into the room drunk Saturday night...and I was caught off guard. He, of course, was horny...and with Alyssa in the next bed over, I was a bit worried. She woke up from a nightmare and he went to take a shower...upset that she interrupted. She wanted him...not me, but she had to settle for me, because Chris wasn't having any part in it. I'm still not exactly sure whether I'm right to be a little upset about it, but once he got some sleep, everything was fine again. I just... *sighs* I don't know. So now here I am...watching Alyssa play video games....Chris asleep in the bedroom because he didn't get in until late last night. And my insecurities are getting the best of me. How do I know he hasn't gone back to the old times...to Mike? I trust him, and I know I'm just being stupid, but it's starting to eat at me. Maybe I should just go home... 2 - leave me one

27 May 2003 - 06:55 mood  -  chipper music  -  I'm humming...does that count? Jess came over and met the twins yesterday. I've missed her. Poor girl was barraged by Alyssa's newfound knowledge of breasts though. Thanks Lindsey... *laughs* Chris is coming to Detroit with me. Can I just say that makes me VERY happy? Who would have thought that throwing spaghetti against a wall would become such a cause for joy in my house? Poor Jess must think we're insane. Hell, we probably are. I love showers. I think that's all. *smirks* 3 - leave me one

Yeah right. 24 May 2003 - 22:23 I don't get it. Everyone's saying how I'm so gorgeous and everything. I'm just me. I haven't shown Chris one of the pictures yet. *smirks* ( Drool away Chris ) And Mandy...yes...it does make you crackheads. *grins* Love you though. 6 - leave me one

Whirlwind 24 May 2003 - 16:54 mood  -  awake Wow, so I have the next few weeks with Chris, then he's off to God knows where. I have to do a performance in Detroit on June 1st, but other than that, nothing's set in stone yet. I'm not sure what we're going to do about it...I still have to talk to Chris. I guess everyone likes my new photoshoot pictures. Chris does...that's for sure. *laughs* Well, that's about all that's been going on in my life...work and family. I know, I'm pretty boring. Sorry folks. 1 - leave me one

home again 19 May 2003 - 08:52 mood  -  grateful music  -  Lys telling mom about her trip Chris and Lys got in around midnight last night. I can't even put into words how it felt to see him walk toward me with Lys asleep in his arms. All the love I could possibly muster poured through my body, and I know I was standing there with a shit eating grin. Just to be able to touch him again, to kiss him, it was a taste of heaven. I know it was only a week, but for some reason this time seemed like years. What am I going to do when he starts the tour with Beck...and then his own afterwards? And what happens if I have to start traveling to promote the album? We'll get through it, I know we will, but it's not going to be fun or easy. He's exhausted. I'm so thankful for my mom staying with us last night and tonight to give us a little rest. He needs it, and I do too when it comes down to it. It's so hard to sleep alone anymore. Most nights I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, hoping one of the twins would cry so I could get my mind off the distance. And when they didn't, I usually found myself in the nursery anyway, standing over their cribs, watching them sleep, wishing he were by my side. Lindsey is amazing. I was a little worried about the whole thing since we didn't have time to meet with her before it all started, but everything turned out wonderful. Lys' speech has already improved dramatically, and from what Chris has told me, they hit it off immediately. Lys has spent every waking moment telling my mom and I about how she and Linds are the best of friends, and all about their adventures in the city together. I guess Lys ran out on stage with Chris last night though. I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. I know Chris doesn't want to have to explain himself constantly, and part of me feels guilty that he has that extra responsibility now, because of me. He said it was okay, but I still worry. I can only imagine what the buzz is now with his fans. She's too young to tell her to try not to call Chris dad around his fans, and I don't even know if that's something I'd want to do to her if she would understand it. I just wish there were some way to keep our private and professional lives completely seperate, but it's impossible when you have children. Sometimes I get a little upset because I feel as if he wants to keep it a secret, but then again, I understand. I, personally, would shout it from the top of buildings if I could, and who cares if it deprives me of a few record sales, but I respect the fact that it's something he wants to stay quiet about. Well, Lys wants to ride her bike, and mom is busy with the twins, so...duty calls. leave me one

16 May 2003 - 19:41 Two more days. I miss my husband and eldest daughter. leave me one

What a night 09 May 2003 - 05:42 mood  -  indescribable music  -  Chris' Breathing So this night has been...wow. It started out like any other...but I was in the studio instead of Chris. I played Lys her song. She's not old enough to understand it yet, and she couldn't understand why I was crying, but she liked it. She said I'm "a gweat singa." Then she went and got Chris so I could play him his song...but more about that later. Then it was back to the normal daily grind...making dinner...getting Lys fed. But, it took a little unexpected turn. Went upstairs to find Kristina's eye infected. She scratched herself so bad yesterday we had to take her to the ER. And then it's infected today... *sighs* Does it ever end? Then, as if Lys knew that there was another trip to the ER in the works, she decided she couldn't wait for her spaghetti and tried to get it herself. She spilt the water all over her chest. Thank God she only got first degree burns, but it was none-the-less scary. So off we went to the ER, getting Krissy and Lys taken care of. CJ seemed oblivious. That boy, I swear. *chuckles* So we got all the kids settled into bed finally, and Chris and I were able to finish our dance that had started in the studio earlier that night when I played him his song. Lys got a little jealous in the studio, and decided she wanted to dance with us too. But this time, it was just him and I...and the words from my heart. Words can't describe it. ( Chris' Song ) And now, here I am, watching my husband sleep. I wouldn't change my life for the world. 1 - leave me one

home is where my heart is 04 May 2003 - 03:05 mood  -  lonely music  -  John Mayer - Your Body Is A Wonderland *looks around the empty hotel room and sighs, turning back to the laptop* Knoxville...wonderful. Is it wrong for me to wish I weren't here? I mean, this is a good cause...a children's hospital...and I need to start getting out there before my album drops, but...I miss my family. What am I going to do when Chris goes on tour in a little less than 2 weeks? *sighs softly* Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe I should just get out of the business now. I have three children to think about, and a husband, but this is me. This is what I'm meant to do, right? I just...I hate the fact that I'm just starting my solo career, yet I already have 10 or more restraining orders on people at the moment. I hate the fact that my little girl wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares about stalkers. I hate the fact that I cringe everytime I hear my name being called from behind me. Don't get me wrong, I love my job...more than anything, but I'm just at a point where I'm wondering if it's what's best for my family. If I could do this, and things were laid-back...like Chris...I wouldn't have any reservations whatsoever. But Chris' fans are different. They respect him more. I'm not trying to say none of my fans respect me, that's not the case in the least, but just...those few bad apples have rot the whole bunch, if you mind my metaphor. And honestly, I'm afraid of who will be here tomorrow. Not to mention that I'm nervous about being on stage alone...without the guys. I guess I'm just...going through one of those phases...where I'm not sure if I'm doing what's right for me and my family. I've been laying in that damn hotel bed for hours now, just staring up at the cieling. Everything's so unfamiliar. I feel like I'm in a different world. How did I do it when we were on tour for almost 3 years straight with barely any break? But tomorrow, despite my fatigue, and my lonliness, and my longing to be with them, I have to put on a fake smile and greet everyone as if they're the ones I care about the most. How do we keep finding it within ourselves? I hate being away. I hate it more than anything. *sighs, clicking update and flipping the TV on* leave me one

best birthday ever 02 May 2003 - 09:43 mood  -  loved music  -  the twins gurgling in their swings I wish last night didn't have to end. But, with that said, I'm glad it did at the same time, because now I can wake up, and know that I'm not in jeopardy of losing him. I feel as if I can breathe again. I feel his heart beat against mine, even when he's away. I know that somewhere inside of him, is a part of me that doesn't make him cringe or curl up in fright, but it makes him smile. And that, my friends, is the best feeling in the world. *smiles, running fingers over lips* It's amazing...love. I had forgotten how it felt...that brand new sensation. The way your heart jumps out of your chest when you share that first kiss that really means something. But he reminded me of that feeling last night. Laying there in the sand, fingers laced with his, staring into those deep brown eyes...I felt as if my heart were about to explode with all the love I hold for him. If there were some way I could turn that into something tangible for him, I would...in a heartbeat. But the best I can do is show him the only way I know how...with the little things. I woke up this morning and crawled out of bed quietly, careful not to wake him. I went to the nursery and I stood there for God knows how long, just staring at our children. Studying every inch of them, grinning from ear to ear at those two little bundles of perfection. CJ and Krissy were special to me from the moment they were born, but this morning, I felt as if I were watching them being born all over again. That rush of pride overcame me, and tears formed in my eyes, because for the first time since their birth, I knew that they will grow to see that they are a product of pure and unconditional love...that they would understand that their father and I are two souls, entwined into one...and their whole being is representation of that. Not long after, Lys stirred, and I got her ready for school and shipped her off. She was a bit upset she didn't get her usual kiss from Dad, but I explained that he had had a long night, and she seemed to understand. And now, here I am, sitting in our new home, watching our two children smile, knowing our third will bound through that door a few hours from now with that gorgeous little grin. I feel complete. For the first time in my life, everything has fallen into place, and I'm savoring every moment of it. 3 - leave me one

um 30 Apr 2003 - 19:01 mood  -  hopeful So we...we did it. For the first time...since...since it happened. He said he needed me to prove I wouldn't hurt him...I hope I did. I would never hurt him like that again. I can't. He means everything to me, and knowing what I did to him... *shakes head* I can barely live with myself as it is, let alone if I were to do it again. I wonder where the future is going to take us. I'm not sure, but after today, at least I know we'll be together. leave me one

29 Apr 2003 - 15:19 mood  -  crushed music  -  Chris' breathing I can't take this anymore. I want everything back the way it was. I feel like I'm a failure, in every sense of the word. My husband can't stand to touch me...I feel like I'm losing my mind...The only thing I'm doing right anymore is making sure my kids are healthy and safe, and I doubt I'm doing a very good job at parenting. Sure, they have a roof over their heads and food to eat, but I just...I feel like I'm not giving what they deserve. Chris is always at some meeting or something with the guys, and I'm here...alone...to think. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to remember that night and how I fucked everything I hold dear to me up. I don't want to remember that I can be that person. But I do. Every day I do. And to see the fear in his eyes because of that just opens the wound further. I don't want to be a monster in his eyes. I want to be the man I used to be to him, but I'm not. I don't think I ever will be...and that tears me apart. I'll be 30 on Wednesday, yet in some ways, I feel like I'm a little 5 year old boy. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. 2 - leave me one

tinker time 27 Apr 2003 - 00:20 mood  -  numb music  -  the keyboard You know how good things sound when you have a little alcohol in your system? So Chris is still at Gil's. I had to call the cops on Shelli...she just wouldn't go. She kept trying to get me to kiss her...touch her. I feel violated...dirty... I wanted to bad to just knock her out. I've never hit a woman before, but I came close today. The cop cars and everything scared Lys. I spent the rest of the day trying to calm her down and take care of the twins. She's already woken up with one nightmare. I have the feeling she'll be sleeping with Chris and I again tonight. So now it's time for us to work on our relationship, right? Why do things have to be so damn complicated? I'd love nothing more than to just crawl into a cave right now and never come out. But I can't. I'm hanging on for the kids. Right now...tonight...that's all I have left to hang on for. After...Shelli...I don't know if I even want to be touched. I'm not the type to admit I'm falling apart, or ask for help, because I don't like to look weak, but I'm going to take a chance. I need some help... 2 - leave me one

What the hell just happened? 23 Apr 2003 - 21:42 mood  -  confused music  -  whatever movie's playing I'm on a plane...to Florida. I guess CJ and Krissy don't take after either of us when it comes to flying, because they're both out cold. I couldn't stay there any longer...I couldn't stand to be away from him for one more second. I called the doctor and asked if it waas okay, and hopped the first flight. Everything was fine...we were sitting there talking, laughing...and then she said I looked like I needed a massage. I did. I said no at first, but she offered again, and I took it. It's been so long since I've been touched like that, and I closed my eyes...and I started to wonder what it would be like...to feel her lips against mine. I turned...and it took every bit of me not to kiss her...not to take her in my arms and just... *sighs* So I go to leave, and she stops me...and kissed me. I let her. Then I realized what I was doing...and I walked away. She followed and told me she loved me. How could she love me? She doesn't even know me. So I told her I loved him. I told her there was nothing there, that I was just a man...a lonely man. And then I packed up my things and left. The look in her eyes ripped me apart. But yet, I can't help but feel happy that soon I'll be in his arms again. *sighs when CJ starts crying and hits update, flipping the laptop closed* 3 - leave me one

what are friends for 23 Apr 2003 - 19:04 mood  -  tired Shelli stopped by. She wasn't feeling too well, so I told her she's more than welcome to stay with me tonight. It's nice having someone else around...it helps when the twins decide they both want something at the same time. She's cooking me dinner. It's only been what, 3 days since I had help, but it feels like years. Thank God for her, she's a sweetheart. Lys has the chickenpox. I feel so helpless...all I can do is try and help Chris by telling him what she's usually like when she's sick. I took the twins to the doctor as soon as I found out, and had her records transferred. Luckily, both CJ and Krissy are healthy. I'd write more, but I should take a quick nap. I forgot how tiring it is to have one baby...let alone 2. 1 - leave me one

I'm amazed. 18 Apr 2003 - 21:20 Bad news first I guess. Tina's gone. She was going downhill and her body wasn't supporting the kids anymore, so they did a C-section and took her off life support. At least we were all there when she went. I'm going to miss her. Life's funny...I lose a sister, yet I gain two children. Caden and Kristina were born at exactly 11:06 AM Wednesday, April 16. They're a little small, being pre-mature and all, but they're healthy. Thank God. They're both absolutely gorgeous. Caden has Chris' lips, my eyes and nose, and Kristina... *grins* She's a female version of Chris. Of course, Alyssa asked why she doesn't look like Chris...that was a tough moment, but we got through it. OH! Pictures! *chuckles* Here's one my mom took of Caden and I... Alyssa's in heaven. She got to hold her brother and sister today...although she got a little nervous when Caden started crying. She and Chris are going back to Florida on Monday, and I'll join them as soon as I get the okay to take the twins on a plane. We're buying a house right outside Boca Raton. It's all so surreal. It's more like a mansion. The fact that we have enough money to do it, is just...wow. It's right on the beach, has a swimming pool, 7 bedrooms, 6 1/2 baths. It's beautiful. Chris wants to add a studio, so he can see me shirtless and sweaty, but that's once we get settled. *laughs* Chris and Lys are going to go take a look at it on Monday, and most likely we'll put an offer on the table as long as everything's cool... That's our house, hopefully. Lys will be going to the same school, so she won't have to adjust there. She's already excited about having sleepovers. God save us. *looks over at Chris, quietly singing to Kristina and smiles, hitting update and shutting the laptop, joining him in the nursery* 2 - leave me one

13 Apr 2003 - 23:45 mood  -  cranky music  -  the beeping of Tina's moniters I want to go back. I'm going insane... I miss Lyss...I miss Chris.... The phone just isn't enough... ...but they need me here. leave me one

I'm leavin on a jet plane 07 Apr 2003 - 19:50 mood  -  blank music  -  D/C - So Beautiful I'm going back to LA tomorrow. Lys is going to stay here with Chris so we can get her back in school. I...I'm not quite sure what's going on with Chris and I. Right now, I think the main concern is Alyssa. We're talking, we're sleeping in the same bed, everything's okay, but it's not what it used to be. I can't expect it to be. I have so much guilt hanging over my head that I'm not sure if it's because of me or not. We talked about him adopting Lys once everything gets settled. It wouldn't change anything...he's already her father. She calls him dad now. It would just be official. Trish called yesterday. She wants to take Alyssa on a vacation. I can't let her. She's still with that asshole. She said he wasn't going, but how can I trust her? Am I wrong for keeping Lys from her mother? I don't know anymore. The babies are thriving, despite Tina's constant decline. It will be a miracle if this goes to term. I love him more than anything. I wish there were some way I could show him that. leave me one

*sigh* 01 Apr 2003 - 16:12 mood  -  depressed music  -  Chris - As Lovers Go I miss my husband. Alyssa misses her other father. My mother misses her son-in-law. ...and it's all because I'm an idiot. I'm alone. I have his voice, but that won't help when all I want is his arms around me to soothe me. I need to get out of this house...it's so empty...and lonely...and all it does is remind me of the day I fell to an all time low, and did things I could never imagine myself doing. But I did, and now I have to live with that. For the rest of my life. I need someone...anyone...but then again, they won't be him... leave me one

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