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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Jazmine Alexandria's Blurty:
| Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009 | |
| 8:12 pm | why isn't 15 minutes of my time enough? your following me bugs me, your crying when i leave a room bugs me. it bugs me more when people tell me that i should i spank you to make you stop being like that. well not people, steven. spanking doesn't do shit. spanking is cruel when not done at the proper moments. his crying when he wants to be with his mother isn't a good enough reason to inflict pain on a little person. but i'm going to go in there now. and sit in jose's room. because thats all he really wants...is me to be around. this is the price of parenthood. i have to give up the time i want for myself, to make my little ones happy...*sigh* fuck. |
| 12:45 am | god...it's one in the morning and i can't sleep. so i'm listening to music. i bet if i laid down and closed my eyes, i'd be able to sleep. so tonight i went to poetry. it was inspiring as usual. after it was over i went around to meet some people. but apparently i had met the majority the last time i was there. only i hardly remember because i was incredibly drunk. falling over people. they remember kim too. funny...anyways, everyone was great. michel was awesome. i was so proud of her. and i was pretty successful at keeping the feelings of inadiquacy at bay..i think i'm going to go lay down. ugh i have my period right now. and i have no pads or tampons...toilet paper it is... deep. |
| Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 | |
| 1:21 pm | i LOVE driving with all the windows down and the music really really loud as i'm singing. i LOVE it. I'm still here. working when people are in the office, then stopping to surf the web when they're not. i don't care at the moment. i should though.... |
| 11:12 am | eventually i'll get caught. but you never know. something may strike and i've got to be prepared at any and every moment. you know what bugs me....there's a few girls that i've grown up with who like to lie to themselves. they plaster their fake success and their fake happiness on myspace, competeing with each other. who's turned out the best? who's family is the prettiest? who's job is more prestigious? it annoys me and bothers me to no end. but to be honest, i do it sometimes too. sometimes i only want to speak about the positive things that are happining, because i feel like speaking on the negative, gives it merit. makes it important. and who wants to focus on struggle. in the same respect, struggle is a part of life. it isn't to be looked upon as a negative thing. struggle is what provides us the opportunity to move. move our thoughts and actions towards a new and in most cases, more beneficial way of thinking. positivity and negativity. why can't we just find the happy medium? acknowledge the good with the "bad". remember that the "bad" isn't really "bad". "bad"doesn't really exist if you don't want it to. |
| 9:27 am | fuck work. let's take a bus and drive it across the country. let's bring marshmellows and bonfires... ugh... let's get back to work. before we get caught... |
| Monday, November 30th, 2009 | |
| 11:54 pm | and what of God? i am not one for formal kneeling. i am not the girl who clasps her hands together and says "Dear God" before every prayer. Now, i've learned different methods of communication with God. Here goes nothing..God, i just wanted to give you some thanks. let you know that i appreciate you blessing my family and i with our health, our homes, our jobs, and our children. thank you for letting us wake up each day, giving us a new opportunity every 24 hours, to get it right. i want to thank you for bestowng upon me the gift of words. thank you so much for creating a way for me to express myself. thank you so much for giving me the heart, desire and drive to see so is happen for me. i know that things will work out for me. so thank you. i can't wait to see spain! i can't wait to write about the people, the culture, the atmosphere. it's all intoxicating. the very prospect of it all, the adventure, sets my soul on fire. Thank you God, for teaching me how to be brave, for allowing me to tap into your infinite wisdom. i can't wait for more of it. I want so much out of life God. i will have to learn patience, i know that. but perhaps i can counter my need for patience with determination and heart. and perhaps a little creativity and imagination. i know my children will grow up to be good, and happy, fulfilled people. thanks so much. thank you for the wisdom. you are amazing. i am amazming. we are amazing. we are one in the same. |
| 11:08 pm | i struggle to go beyond the surface. for whatever reason, i cannot surpass the shallow end. i'm sitting on the beach when there's a magnificent ocean in front of me. "dig deeper..." i hear myself say the words and i'm finally convincing myself that perhaps i should delve just a little further out. so i close my eyes and think. the first thing that comes to my mind are my desires for my future. i think about how badly i want something, and then suddenly, automatically i feel like this is temporary. i know myself. i know that i can't stick with anything because i choose not to. and i know that i choose not to, because i don't want to be alone..i want to sit here among the masses and be ordinary. now..i think i'm going to go deeper...it's going to happen for me. i will live how i want to live. i will overcome what i have to overcome to see myself succeed. i will face these things head on and pray that i make it out in one piece. this can't be about my children. this has to be for me. this one thing, needs a place of it's own. out of reach from my love for my children. it needs to progress. i need to get better. i need practice and discipline. but most of all, i need heart. i need to need to want to always pull over and write. on a napkin, in a notebook, on my hand, on a post-it. doesn't matter. it needs to come out of me. i need to release everything. everything i've every felt. i don't want to focus on my past with my ex. i'm sick of writing about how badly it hurt, or how strong it's made me. i don't want to be the victim anymore. i want to move beyond that. delve deeper. i wish i could remember more. if i was to try to remember something from my childhood right now, it would only be an interpretation of what might of happened. it is by no means close or far from the truth. so i will talk about who i am now. or better yet, who i am becoming again. what i have to put out there first, is that i want to be a role model. i want to be someone my kids can be proud of. i want to be someone my children can learn from, grow from, and take with them, all of my infinite wisdom. well, wisdom or no wisdom, i know that by the time they're able to carry a conversation fluidly with me, i'll have impacted them some positive way. it's inevitable. I just feel like i have to get over this holiday hump. the money is an issue, the rent and our phone bill, is an issue. we won't have a phone pretty soon, and both of us being without a phone, isn't really a good thing. but no. this isn't about all of that. because all of that is temporary. bills, debt, loss...it's all a temporary state of mind. it too shall pass. so i look on to a brighter day. try to find something deeper...something other than love...well, what better subject to bring up other than love's antagonistic seducer. death. fortunatly enough for me, i've never had to live through the death of someone close. Thanks be to God for that...But i know how i'd hope i'd handle it. i'd hope that i'd be able to be humbled, and respectfully accepting of death. i hope that i will come to realize the truth about death and understand that it's supposed to happen. death is simply the natural progression of a soul. the evolate and become something or someone else. it's all in written in the universe. i hate how whenever i write i always end up writing about the men in my life. i write about my past. go over it and over it and over it...unti it's all mutilated and screwed. than i'll sit and write a paragraph or two about how steven does this, and how nice this is, or how scared i am to lose him. no. not tonight. this can't be about them. no one else but me. i want to travel. i want to see different contries. write about the. describe them so vividly that i take my readers with me. how lovely that would be. to let them know that "yes this is real" and "yes anyone can do this." i will travel. once the kids are older, once i publish my first book...well, maybe by the second i can go. i know that all of the greatness i want out of life will come to me. i know that patience and prayer are critical in acheiving the kind of success in life that i'm looking for. i have my challenges with the whole process, but prayer has been most absent. for whatever reason, i've been refusing to stick with it and keep the communication lines open. i've been closed. i just have to give thanks for what i already have. realize that it's mine. do what it takes, put in the work, but never lose the driving force that IS God. all of it. i'm doing what he wants me to do. i'm writing. i'm just waiting for my book. waiting waiting waiting....hell, can i at least get a good story? all i got are facts. well, my version of the facts. that's it. i have a past, present and future. i can hardly remember anything about my past, my present is here already, constant...but my future.. i can play with that. i can decide to remember who i really am at any moment. though that might not be such a bad thing. finally, what needs to happen is happening...i'm getting tired. when i'm tired i lose concentration incredibly easy. i don't even finish the conversation I started. |
| 11:08 pm | i struggle to go beyond the surface. for whatever reason, i cannot surpass the shallow end. i'm sitting on the beach when there's a magnificent ocean in front of me. "dig deeper..." i hear myself say the words and i'm finally convincing myself that perhaps i should delve just a little further out. so i close my eyes and think. the first thing that comes to my mind are my desires for my future. i think about how badly i want something, and then suddenly, automatically i feel like this is temporary. i know myself. i know that i can't stick with anything because i choose not to. and i know that i choose not to, because i don't want to be alone..i want to sit here among the masses and be ordinary. now..i think i'm going to go deeper...it's going to happen for me. i will live how i want to live. i will overcome what i have to overcome to see myself succeed. i will face these things head on and pray that i make it out in one piece. this can't be about my children. this has to be for me. this one thing, needs a place of it's own. out of reach from my love for my children. it needs to progress. i need to get better. i need practice and discipline. but most of all, i need heart. i need to need to want to always pull over and write. on a napkin, in a notebook, on my hand, on a post-it. doesn't matter. it needs to come out of me. i need to release everything. everything i've every felt. i don't want to focus on my past with my ex. i'm sick of writing about how badly it hurt, or how strong it's made me. i don't want to be the victim anymore. i want to move beyond that. delve deeper. i wish i could remember more. if i was to try to remember something from my childhood right now, it would only be an interpretation of what might of happened. it is by no means close or far from the truth. so i will talk about who i am now. or better yet, who i am becoming again. what i have to put out there first, is that i want to be a role model. i want to be someone my kids can be proud of. i want to be someone my children can learn from, grow from, and take with them, all of my infinite wisdom. well, wisdom or no wisdom, i know that by the time they're able to carry a conversation fluidly with me, i'll have impacted them some positive way. it's inevitable. I just feel like i have to get over this holiday hump. the money is an issue, the rent and our phone bill, is an issue. we won't have a phone pretty soon, and both of us being without a phone, isn't really a good thing. but no. this isn't about all of that. because all of that is temporary. bills, debt, loss...it's all a temporary state of mind. it too shall pass. so i look on to a brighter day. try to find something deeper...something other than love...well, what better subject to bring up other than love's antagonistic seducer. death. fortunatly enough for me, i've never had to live through the death of someone close. Thanks be to God for that...But i know how i'd hope i'd handle it. i'd hope that i'd be able to be humbled, and respectfully accepting of death. i hope that i will come to realize the truth about death and understand that it's supposed to happen. death is simply the natural progression of a soul. the evolate and become something or someone else. it's all in written in the universe. i hate how whenever i write i always end up writing about the men in my life. i write about my past. go over it and over it and over it...unti it's all mutilated and screwed. than i'll sit and write a paragraph or two about how steven does this, and how nice this is, or how scared i am to lose him. no. not tonight. this can't be about them. no one else but me. i want to travel. i want to see different contries. write about the. describe them so vividly that i take my readers with me. how lovely that would be. to let them know that "yes this is real" and "yes anyone can do this." i will travel. once the kids are older, once i publish my first book...well, maybe by the second i can go. i know that all of the greatness i want out of life will come to me. i know that patience and prayer are critical in acheiving the kind of success in life that i'm looking for. i have my challenges with the whole process, but prayer has been most absent. for whatever reason, i've been refusing to stick with it and keep the communication lines open. i've been closed. i just have to give thanks for what i already have. realize that it's mine. do what it takes, put in the work, but never lose the driving force that IS God. all of it. i'm doing what he wants me to do. i'm writing. i'm just waiting for my book. waiting waiting waiting....hell, can i at least get a good story? all i got are facts. well, my version of the facts. that's it. i have a past, present and future. i can hardly remember anything about my past, my present is here already, constant...but my future.. i can play with that. i can decide to remember who i really am at any moment. though that might not be such a bad thing. finally, what needs to happen is happening...i'm getting tired. when i'm tired i lose concentration incredibly easy. i don't even finish the conversation I started. |
| 7:58 pm | it is enough to simply ponder the inner workings of a man like you. a man portrayed as simple and uncomplicated. a man who's inner workings could never mirror his simplistic exterior. i've tried in vain to find you in there. to find something humanly, something compassionate, something worth crying for. the only way i can find in, is by being relatable. doing the same things, being around you and taking interest in your interests...through my desperate exploration of the softer side of "lucky", i've seemed to lose the ambition that i came with. i had to forget about it. because finding "you" required me, to lose "me". you came around again, but not without your mask. thin as it might be, it hides the deceiver, the little white lies that would break my heart..you do this so well. today i've learned that i can't be so concerned with you, that i forget about worrying for myself. yesterday and tomorrow are the breaking points with which i reach everyday, because no day is like the other, no moment may be replicated, and no heart can be broken without it being given the ablilty to mend itself. Laws are made to be broken. but those of the heart, take a vow and lock it in the core of their souls. |
| 5:15 pm | i've decided two things. 1. i write better when i'm writing TO someone, or in first person 2. i've decided to acknowledge the importance of embracing the world and everything that's in it. good and bad... i had a very disturbing thought the other day...i realized, the more and more i read about successful writers and authors, the more discouraged i become. there was one common factor with every person that i read about..every single one, had a moment of clarity. every single one of them had their ideas for their books hit them like a bolt of lightening. they couldn't stop writing, and nothing deterred them from what they KNEW was going to be their breakthrough to the world of print. with all that said, i realized that i haven't had that moment. and that perhaps, that moment will never come. i don't wake up and write. i don't write with my spare time. i don't even read with that time.. i don't write everyday even. and writers do that. writers write everyday because it is their livelyhood. it is how they communicate the best of their conscious and subconcious. |
| Saturday, November 28th, 2009 | |
| 11:08 am | i'm waiting. for that idea to just storm threw me. flash before my eyes. become reality...my reality, lined with success. he told me that it will come when i believe that it will. he told me that it's a process of evolution. i will one day grow and acheive my peak performance as a mother, a wife, and a woman. to do that i have to get that idea...i will have to live and breathe my idea. then when it's ready, share it with the rest of the world. it will be so when i finally get the nerve to say no to sitting idle with you at the end of my days, as opposed to sitting up straight, fingers and thoughts moving progressively. today isn't necessarily different, because that's the way i asked for it. i still have a chance to make an adjustment, and feel and do myself good isn't so out of reach. i have a text message. jazlene is crying. |
| Friday, November 27th, 2009 | |
| 9:15 am | thanksgiving recap i wanted thanksgiving to be special. i wanted to make it magical for my babies and i suppose i wanted to feel some of that holiday magic too. it started off great. i took the kids out, ran around with them, fed the ducks..but then jose dropped my phone on the deck by the lake and the battery and back to it ended up in the lake. i was pissed. it took so much for me not to spank him. but i tried to control my anger and we stayed outside for a little longer. we got back inside and jose kicked my laptop off the table and it fell on the floor. that was the last straw for me. i got so angry and started yelling. jose started crying and steven put him in time out. i made him a boiled egg (trying to get him to eat different foods) and steven tried to force feed him. he ended up vomiting everywhere. i didn't feel sorry for him. i just got more angry. i took all his clothes off and put him in his bed and told him he wasnt going to get anything else to eat and he was in time out. that was how the day started and it didn't get much better for jose. he didn't eat good (barely at all) all day and he was grumpy because of it. dinner did not taste good at all. someone other than stevens mother made dinner. i was glad we spent time with his family though, because they are family. forever now. i didn't get any pictures with steven, but i took one with my kids. they both look funny in the picture. jazzy has her tongue sticking out with a kind of "duuuuhh" expression. and jose is in the background cheesin', looking tired as hell..his scar looks awful...but it's a picture with my two babies and i love it. Money has become a really big issue. i know it's starting to bother steven because he wants to be able to help his mom and he can't. I know things will get better eventually, and that we just have to hold on for a few more months...i just hope we can make it till then without anything catastrophic happening. that's really the only weight on my shoulders at the moment. this week i get the opportunity to get overtime and i'm going to try to soak it up. that'll help a little bit. i think i also need to just get on my knees and start praying. i think i need help from a higher power...today i'd like to focus on getting this place clean. i want it perfect. it'll most likely take me all morning. Jazlene is asleep so i should take advantage. i just want to upload pictures and videos first. i think a clean house helps me think more clearly. i also want to put up a christmas tree today. the thought excites me. i know jose will love it too. that excites me even more! |
| Monday, November 23rd, 2009 | |
| 10:34 am | So last night, right as i turned off the computer and was about to go grab a book, steven shuts off the playstation and we start a movie. i did nothing i was supposed to do. like i thought would happen. i have the same intentions this evening. who knows if that'll work out or not. i called the people at the office of my apartment complex, and of course the one and only guy that can help me with this situation, is going to be busy all afternoon. i've left him messages so i'm hoping he see's that as, i'm trying to resolve the situation instead of ignoring it...i hope he calls back today. I hope even more that we don't get evicted. i just looked at my bank account, and i have no idea how, but i've spent $250 dollars in a week. that sucks. tomorrow i'll be able to see what my paycheck will look like. i believe it'll probably be about $300. that still won't cover the growing amount of bills we've acquired...I can't wait until tax time...hopefully everything will get paid off by the beginning of the year next year. i can harldy buy my own kids presents this year...ugh...anyways, i can't stress about that right now...there's no point. i am however going to stop writing in here and try to get some work done by the time my boss gets here. which should be in a few minutes. i ate mcdonalds this morning and i swear, 10 minutes later i'm hungry again...that's how u know it's garbage.. |
| Sunday, November 22nd, 2009 | |
| 9:07 pm | i did NOTHING that i said i was going to do. i didn't clean at all, i didn't read...i spent a little time with jose, i rocked jazlene for a few. but that was it. now i'm here telling you about it. there is something else that happened recently that i really would like to share. but writing it here and having a certain person read it, would be awful...i'll just say this. i made a friend. he's very nice. more interesting than nice. more funny than interesting. i like talking to him. i'll leave it at that. i think i'm gonna grab a book and read something. maybe that'll help with the flow of my writing... |
| 5:09 pm | *reminder* relationships are meant to bring out the part of you you'd like to see. being with steven has given me the time and resources to do what i want to do. why am i so afraid to take that time? why am i so afraid of being called selfish? |
| 4:50 pm | i finished what i needed to finish. i could continue doing work stuff. but i'm not. i have 40 minutes left in my day. what i SHOULD do after work is finish cleaning jose's room, pick up the rest of the house, clean the kitchen, and then read and write for the rest of the evening. here's what i'll probably do instead. go home, attempt at finishing jose's room, attempt at cleaning the rest of the house, then once the kids are asleep, i'll sit on the couch, smoke some weed and try to watch a movie with steven. i say try because i will most likely fall asleep. that will be my evening. as i've been sitting here NOT working, i've been surfing myspace and facebook a little. just seeing what my former classmates have been up to. the ones who i thought would go on to college and become successes have, and the ones that i didn't think would amount to much, haven't. my life is good. it's average. i've got a place, kids, a job, and a boyfriend. but that doesn't seem like it's enough for me. and the part that fucks my head up the most, is that, whether or not i've got the potential, i cannot stand up to outside influences. i'm SO impressionable. and it's like, the only way i can change that, is by changing the people i'm constantly around. how is that possible when they're such a HUGE part of my life? how do you go about being strong minded? is there a trick to it? My best friend tells me that it'll happen once i'm sick of being mediocre. but shit...mediocrity is fucking addicting. and when that's all that's around, it's hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i also don't want my obligation to these things to distance steven from me, or me from steven. i feel like i've worked pretty hard at getting him and us to be as close as we are. it's basically one, or the other. i can't have both. i already said i'd sacrifice my dreams for him....but how stupid would i be? really...to sacrifice anything for a man, ESPECIALLY a man who hasn't even put a ring on my finger, is just retarded. he is amazing, but the things he does for me won't be hindered because of my writing or reading...will it? i wish i knew where to start from here. i wish i knew someone who i could talk to about this. someone who wants to see me reach my potential. i could try to talk to my father, but he's soooooo practical about things. like, if there's a way, and i see the way, he would tell me to do it, no matter how hard it is, or what stands in my way. it isn't that easy for me. i need to make friends with some authors.... |
| 12:29 pm | my story.. i'm a single mother of two working as a bookkepper at a luxury hotel. my dream is to become a published writer. i'm using my job as a bookkeeper to pay my bills, take care of my kids and go to school. in my spare time i clean, play and take care of my kids, work out, and write. i love music also. school is incredibly important to me. writing is incredibly important to me. that's why i have this job. my babies are essential to me like air or food and water. they are the reason i work so hard. them and my heart. my heart would shrivel up and disintegrate if i didn't follow my dreams.. |
| 10:05 am | i am sooooooooo unfocused at the moment. i'm here at work. both of my bosses are gone. i should totally be worried about being on here because they're watching me very closely to see if i'm doing my job. poppycock. i'm absolutly NOT doing my job. i was pretty aggravated this morning. i wanted to smoke, then steven forgot the weed. since it was already in my head, i felt an extra sense of "i wanna get fucked up this morning". on top of the fact my father told steven not to heat his grand daughters bottle in the microwave. yes it's all kinds of bad...but shit, that steven's daughter. if he wants to heat shit up in a microwave he should be able to do so without a comment from the motherfucking peanut gallery. also, i've learned that i'm just a little bit crazy. the things that go through my mind sometimes are pretty scary. like, when i get upset. since i was aggravated this morning, i didn't care about anyone's feelings and i like to imagine inflicting physical pain on the person whom my disgruntled feelings are aimed towards at the moment. sometimes i imagine those things about the person who's simply closest to me at the moment. anyways, last thursday i said i wasn't going to go out. but i did. i made sure that i watched a movie and read stories with jose before i went, so i could at least say i spent time with him before bed..then i went to kahuna's. i met an interesting boy there. i say boy because that's what he is. a 25 year old boy. i went to highschool with him. he was a senior when i was a freshman and he was a drummer. i was in the flute line. i ended up taking him home. he was interesting to listen to. i thought about him a lot the next day. then not so much after the day was over. i hardley remember things about him. that night was fun though. my mother came, cesar (my poetry buddy) came, and it was fun. steven's sister got her drunk. she was dancing and sweating. ha! you know, i don't even really feel like putting in all of the work writing. because nothing that i have to say is positive. everything is about how fucked up i got over the weekend, how aggravated i am at the lack of weed or cigarettes (still haven't smoked those by the way..and i'm dying at the moment..), or how much my life sucks right now. i got an eviction notice too by the way. i have to call them on monday to see if there's something i can do to work things out with them. awesome huh...i'm tired, and in need of some serious motivation. i need to learn to find that motivation by myself. anyways, i'll re read my entries. maybe that'll give me some motivation... |
| Thursday, November 19th, 2009 | |
| 12:04 pm | lunch break again. sometimes this is the only time that i get to write anything. today i've been really really good. i woke up at 6:30, and went to the gym. i worked out for about 45 minutes. nothing too heavy. i'm still tobacco free. all it's taking for me is extreme self control..because most of the time i want to suppliment the lack of nicotine with food. but i haven't done that either. Work is going well. today i'm determined NOT to surf the web while i'm here. i want to get as much done as humanly possible in the time that i'm here. i have to leave early because i was early today and i stayed late yesterday. my boss is no longer allowing me to receive overtime whenever i want anymore. that's fine. i'm going to continue to do my best here. i've spent too long doing things half assed, totally taking advantage of the opportunities this job has given me, and i don't want to do that anymore. i don't want to constantly be worried about losing my job. so, i will do better. i am doing better. i will continue to do better. i haven't had a drink either. i'm not trying to quit or anything, i just don't want to get wasted and spend money all the time. tonight is usually the night that i go to a specific bar, because it's ladies night there. i think i'll pass this week. spend some time with Jose tonight. Put on a kid friendly movie. i love that little boy so damn much..anyways, there really isn't much more to say at the moment. i'll probably update again tonight. maybe then with something a little deeper than this... |
| Wednesday, November 18th, 2009 | |
| 12:04 pm | relationships i'm here at work, on my lunch break. i decided to stay at my desk and write instead of going to the cafeteria to eat. i'm feeling a little insecure about my relationship today. i don't know how to stop making his happiness so completely essential to mine. and i don't know how to stop being suspicious of every little damn thing. even if he IS hiding something, i don't want to care. i want to view things with a "no expectation" kind of perspective. it's incredibly hard for me for some reason. i expect so much. today he sounds like he's having a bad day. instinctually i think it's because of me, because i'm always correcting and criticizing the way he does things with my son. then he made me the eggs i asked for but added a sandwich to the menu and i looked at him like he was retarded and said "omg how long have you known me now?! i don't eat this much..." he looked taken aback. i felt bad. i apologized through a text for both incidences. i'm sure he'd say it was okay and that he didn't care, but i care for him. i'm eating the sandwich now..it's really good...anyways, i need therapy and i can't afford it. i need to learn how to put in to practice what i already know a hell of a lot more consistantly. For instance, i know that when it comes to relationships, the tighter you try to hold on, the less likely it is that you will. the more i fear losing him, the more i push him away. I also know that relationships were put in place by God in order to assist us in our growth as individuals. we are meant to take what we are meant to learn, and move on with it. I think you know that it's time to move on, when things become blatantly uncomfortable. i've based my ideas about relationships on these quotes from the book "Conversations with God." The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you’d like to see “show up,” not what part of another you can capture and hold. There can be only one purpose for relationships—and for all of life: to be and to decide Who You Really Are. Let each person in relationship worry about Self—what Self is being, doing, and having; what Self is wanting, asking, giving; what Self is seeking, creating, experiencing, and all relationships would magnificently serve their purpose—and their participants! For most people, love is a response to need fulfillment. Everyone has needs. You need this, another needs that. You both see in each other a chance for need fulfillment. So you agree—tacitly—to a trade. I’ll trade you what I’ve got if you’ll give me what you’ve got. It’s a transaction. But you don’t tell the truth about it. You don’t say, “I trade you very much.” You say, “I love you very much,” and then the disappointment begins. For centuries you have been taught that love-sponsored action arises out of the choice to be, do, and have whatever produces the highest good for another. Yet I tell you this: the highest choice is that which produces the highest good for you. What you do for your Self, you do for another. What you do for another, you do for the Self. This is because you and the other are one. And this is because...there is naught but You. i need to read these to remind myself that whatever is going on with him, whether he chooses to make it about me or not, it isn't. what is in his heart and mind belongs to him, not me. his choices and actions aren't dictated by thoughts of me. they're his. that's the way it's supposed to be. i can't be concerned 24 hours a day for my relationship, or steven. i just can't. i'll go crazy. so i need to conciously re-focus my attention on myself. doing what's best for me will ultimately be what's best for my children. we'll all be a little happier if i can just...lighten up. |