Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in jayguy's Blurty:

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
9:08 pm	It's snowing! And it's my birthday tomorrow! Yippee! LOL I have an online friend, she flirts with me all the time, but we have never hooked up...she seems hot, but it never gets anywhere...welcome to aol...LOL...but that's fine with me....getting ever so closer to the ex, tho she sometimes aggravates the hell outta me...we live apart, but all day long today, she was half-jokingly asking me who i was chatting with, who was on my phone list, claiming every woman I talk to is my "girlfriend"/ etc...it drives me crazy! LOL I have job security, but I am just not crazy about it anymore...wondering if I should take the plunge and just move on...happiness is supposed to be the most important thing, right? (Comment on this)
Monday, March 15th, 2004
8:56 pm	well, met with a shrink today...no, I am not crazy, my job made me, to prove that I am not crazy...LOL...it's hard to explain, but I really am not crazy...the guy explained that he was employed by my employers, and there was no confidentiality, so I had better be sure that whatever I say, i don't care if others know it...he wasn't really very nice, kinda terse...made me even more nervous...well, after just a few minutes of conversation and some demeaning remarks made toward me, "cleared" me...great to know I am no danger...LOL yes, I have job security, but I am really hating this job...LOL...and yes, I have a nice pension if i can manage to stick with it for ten more years, but wondering if it's worth it...LOL Thinking of moving to some hippie community, doing odd jobs, and not worrying about what others think...and writing, and art, whatever...seeing all the beauty that lay in a sunset...yeah, sounds nice... I am involved in a play, I wrote and I am directing it...I think it's very good...maybe something will come of it...the people in it are really nice, but having some trouble getting them all to show up...I am too nice...I am a good direcotr, but they don't really fear me...should they? They are not kids...Well, one is 18, that's the youngest...I have to kinda catch myself and remind myself that she is only 18...she is quite attractive, but she is still in high school, and I don't date anyone under 21...I like them young, but be at least 21, please...LOL...Even then, be really mature... Anyway, my ex and I are getting along better, and I am working on issues...I don't drink as much now ( was not a falling down drunk before, either, but I still was acting like I was in college or something sometimes...LOL)...Also, getting treatment for ADHD...I know I have it, and finally someone agreed...I am getting medication and taking it...we will see...All I know is, I would not wish and ADHD brain on my worst enemy...anyone that has it knows that it is like a hell you can't escape from...it's impossible to do anything as well as you should, and you are constanlty letting people down because of it....You begin to feel like a big screw up all the time.... (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
8:54 pm	Another day...got thru another one without major incident...I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, hoping I can confirm my adhd diagnosis...I know I have this, have been denying it for years...and it's not a joke...I hate it...I have looked like a ditsy shit head my whole life, messed up every relationship, looked bad at work...I need to change my life!!!!!! I don't care what people say, it's better than being called ditsy and disorganized and undependable, which is what I am now... Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Monday, March 8th, 2004
9:25 pm	Well, i have had better days, but I am getting thu this...It is weird, this has been a very interesting few days...It's like I am a new person or something...I am not hiding from who I am anymore, and I am struggling to make my life better and stop screwing it up....I have adhd, i know i do, and I never used that as an excuse...but I am screwing up my life, and i need to do something about it!...I am getting treatment! (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 7th, 2004
9:26 pm	OMG Well, been away for a few days, and well, let me tell u, it's been life changing for me...that rumor, i figured out where it came from, and it was something from online that started as a joke, a lark, if u will, and got turned around, now I am in big trouble at work, and I may lose my career over it...I am a basket case right now, and I am taking time off to re-evaluate my life...I haven't had a beer in 3 days, which is alot for me...LOL...and I am seeing a shrink to help me cope with the stress this new thing is heeping on me...I am not crazy, and i am not criminal, but I feel like others are making me out to be one or another, or both...time for a life change...time for a life change...I used to be afraid to go there, but lately, I have found out that I have friends, and there are people that love me, and they are supportive....I have spent my whole life pretending to not need anyone, and now when I do, there they are...wow I have tried to be open minded about life...I have pursued many avenues in my life, and I don't need to be dependent on one...I can do other things...I need to be happy...and I need my family to be happy, too...I have re-discovered the importance of my loved ones... Things may get even worse than they are, regarding this...If anyone reads this, and is thinking about getting into education, let me give you advice, don't do it, unless u can handle the fact that you will not be supported by anyone...politicians use u as pawns and pass "reform" that is meaningless...your administrators are "paper pushers" who were in the classroom 30 years ago and only care about covering themselves for a few years before they get their big pension...the community thinks u are underworked and overpaid...parents will always back their kids efore they back u...Your colleagues will back bite u in a heartbeat...and while most kids are still good people inside, their lack of diligence and complete apathy is frustrating...and you will have NO personal life...everything u do in your entire life is subject to scrutiny...u have a "morals" clause in your contract, bunky...don't think that what u do in private can't affect your job...becuz if a kid finds out that personal stuff, it will be YOU that has the explaining to do, not them for violating your privacy...now do u think teaching would be fun? LOL (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
6:32 am	Here I am again....Not much to say...sometimes I do wonder what it's all about, why I do all that I do...what am I getting out of life? I have accomplished a great deal, yet sometimes I feel empty. But I guess we all feel this way sometimes. I have done stupid things searching for companionship. Nothing desperate, but certainly, things that aren't me. It sounds weird, but a female friend would be nice, someone to also make out with on occasion...I can get physical intimacy, but really want a spiritual connection, if only a small one. You know, some sparks when we kiss or hold hands, the heart beating a little faster when she is near. I used to have that for my wife (I am separated), and still do, sometimes. But she asked me to leave over a year ago, and still wants to be friends, and that's cool. I am having trouble adjusting to having someone you love just be your friend. But I am not sitting around crying, wanting her back, either. I need to move on. Most women won't date me because of my situation, they are afraid of getting too close. Falling in love is not my intention. How can we intend something like that? Sometimes it just happens. I am not looking for it. But a small connection wouldn't be bad. I like younger women, women in their 20's, because they have a sense of fun, and they don't hate men yet. LOL. In their late 20's and then their 30's, they lose that sense of fun, and many of them are jaded. LOL. Women in their 40's are cool, and very sexual, but, I know I am not the greatest thing in the world, but many women in their forties have really lost something looks wise. They have let themselves go too much. I don't want to seem shallow, but there has to be some attraction there, doesn't there? I know that some women will say that I am some kind of pervert because I like dating younger women(NOT TEENS). In fact,though I prefer younger women to date, I am kinda picky aobut dating in general, and haven't had a date in months. And that was just dinner, with a woman in her 40's....she was nice, but no spark. There is a rumor going around about me at work that isn't true. I don't know how it got started, and it's not major, but I am kinda irked about it, because the more you protest your innocense, the worse it gets. I just keep silent about it, or joke about it not being true quickly, then move on. But perception sometimes becomes reality. Oh well. I work in an environment in which rumors run rampant, and have heard many stories. This job is stressful, no physically, but mentally. You are always being watched and judged, even by your peers. All you can do is quickly and quietly make your case, then drop the subject. But still.... I am in this big apartment, 3 beds, and sometimes wish I had a fun roomie, someone to laugh and joke with, but she would have to put up with the fact that I am a little sloppy. Beer cans, everywhere. LOL. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Van Morrison (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
10:08 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like physical intimacy sluts? I, asmost guys do, like it, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards , we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. that is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, talk about life, carress...I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. I have a large apartment, and really would like a female roommate to get friendly with and just be my friend. I know it sounds weird, but there is this feminine side to me, even tho I am plenty masculine...I am pisces the fish, swimming in two directions all the time...LOL Well, a start, anyway. More to come.... (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	my FIRST entry!!!! Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)
9:58 pm	Well, this is weird, one would usually associate this with young girls...LOL...but saw the site, and thought this would be a good way to blow off steam...LOL...and I have alot of steam to blow off...first of all...the SN...I know, it's crude...you know< i have this dichotomous personality...I am very intelligent, can be quite conservative at times, and there is another part of me that goes wild...I am accepting this as who I am, and not trying to hide it as much. I have a job in which appearances are important, so need discretion sometimes regarding the wild stuff...LOL...I have some real opinions about life, and especially sexuality...why do we call women that like sex sluts? I, asmost guys do, like sex, and I like women that like sex...and ,most of them, do...but we don't realize that by employing the double standards in sex, we create some messed up people, both male and female. Whatever. Sex is important to me, but it doesn't define me. I have done many good things in my life, and no, it doesn't really suck, but some days, it does make one frustrated. To those women out there, let me tell you that there are some guys who really get frustrated with women, as well. Here I am, with a steady job, in shape, have done something with my life, can hold a real conversation, and I am also a good lover. And, yes, I have a sense of humor. Women love all these things, right? LOL. But I go on the dating sites, and well, haven't had much success. Seems they want tall, dark, handsome guys making six figures, with no baggage...LOL...or bad boys...LOL...I hear women on this site complain they only attract older guys or losers...LOL..well, I seem to only attract needy and insecure women, and to be honest, though I love talking things out, if a woman is always needy, I really would not be good for her, because with everything else going on in my life, I would never meet her needs...LOL Honestly, I CRAVE real companionship...I have friends, but want someone to occasionally chill with, get a little stoned, talk about life, carress...yeah, I am sexual, but I crave touch as much as anything else, even emotional touch that comes through a real conversation. (Comment on this)