Jayellah's Journal

Thursday, July 17, 2008

6:29PM - Before Pics

Yikes. I am quite large. I didn't realize how bad I looked. I knew how bad I felt, but who knew I really looked like that. It is a great motivational tool. I'm going to put them as my screen saver. I really need to weigh myself, but I left my scale in Florida and dad doesn't have one. I know L has one, I guess I could go over there this weekend. I've been avoiding weighing myself because I know that it is a really high number, but I have to know where I am starting so that when I get down to my goal I'll know how much I lost. And to never let myself get to this point again.

Before I workout, I want to look at those pics. Before I eat something bad, I want to look at those pics. UGH. Surely that will keep me going toward the right direction and keep me away from the bad habits that have led me to looking and feeling this way.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

2:05AM - A sad weekend

Last Friday started out so well. I got registered for my fall classes (yay). I got all the ones that I needed. Although my actual schedule isn't ideal, at least I'm signed up. I was feeling really great about all of it, but later that night I found out that an excoworker was killed in a motorcycle accident that evening. It was all really horrible. When I get bad news my first instinct is to isolate myself and stuff myself full of food. This weekend was no different. I am pretty sure that I ate everything in the kitchen, and just spent the weekend like a big blob on the couch.

My dad is taking off for Nashville again this weekend, which is great because I can have the apt to myself and can stay on track with my eating. Although he did turn a big corner this week---bought Diet Mt Dew (I'm pretty sure for the first time ever) and wheat bread (another first for him). He also bought some turkey instead of bologna. I'm guessing his gf is having some kind of health influence on him. I know that its not me, bc I've been all over him about his eating habits (seriously surprised that he hasn't had a heart attack yet) for years. The man ONLY drinks Mt Dew and coffee. Thats it. No juice, no milk, no water. His poor kidneys.


Tomorrow morning I am absolutely 100% going for a walk. I swear I have barely been out of the house in a few days. While my dad is gone it'll be a great opportunity for me to get some stuff done without him in the way. I'm cleaning out closets and rearranging furniture. I want to really focus on my lc diet. I've really strayed away from it. I did manage to get my exercise stuff in the house from the car. I forgot that I had weights and stuff in there. I also put some rubber bands around my water bottles in the fridge. After I drink them I put it around my wrist. It helps me keep track of how much I've drank and is also a motivation to drink more.

Tina* is on vacation this week. I haven't really talked to her since last week. I've really been working on the whole positivity thing, and she just really wreaks havoc on my mental health. So, as far as limiting my time with her, its working.

I slept in really really late today, so I'm going to stay up all night and then go to bed early tomorrow night so that hopefully I can get into some sort of sleep schedule. Yeah, right. I've been trying to do this for 3 weeks now. Oh, well, hopefully this time it will work.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

7:13AM - Thirsty Thursday

Well, the last few days I have been so good with my diet. I've stayed right where I need to with calories and such. I need to work on my water, and eating more fruits and vegetables, but for right now I'm doing really well---compared to going to McD's or Wendys and chowin down on an assload of fat and calories. I haven't been working out this week really, but I will get to it I promise! Its on the To Do List! I just find soooo many excuses not to, so I'm working on finding ways around my own excuses. I've done really well with keeping a food journal. It has helped me in the past to keep myself accountable, and to find out where my extra calories are coming from. I've been journaling like a mad woman as well!

My new complaints since last time:

Tina* is insane. haha. The woman is sooooo far in debt that she can't see straight, and yet wants me to go on a big canoe trip this weekend. ugh. I am in no position to be doing anything vacationy right now. I have no job, and my savings are dwindling. BUT I know that if I cannot afford something---I don't do it. I know that one day I will be in a good financial place again and I'll be able to take all the trips that I want! But for right now, its budget time! For some reason she just cannot contemplate this. Its annoying. I've been thinking about our friendship alot lately and I've come to some conclusions. She is not a very good friend to me. It seems like she just lives in her own little world and doesn't realize when she hurts my feelings, or doesn't care ( I don't know which). I do care for her, we've been friends a long time, but I need to put her friendship in a box. For example, I know (from experience) that she is not dependable to help me do anything (yard sales, moving, etc), she isn't one that I can confide my excitment for things to (such as going back to school, new boyfriend), and basically she is so depressing to be around most of the time that I feel like I should up my Cymbalta as soon as I leave her house. She is however a great vacation partner. We have gone on several trips together and are ideal travel companions (we both like beaches, fruity alcoholic beverages, and shopping), she is a great shopping partner (we both will pick up or try on every single item in stores. which drives other people insane), and she is great to go clubbing with (we both love kareoke, drinking too much-also a negative, and checking out guys. So, anyways, the conclusion is that I need to remember the things that she just isn't any good at, because maybe that way I won't be so disappointed when she doesn't come through for me.

I am signing up for classes today and am ridiculously excited! I have never been so stoked about going to school. Now that I know for sure what I want to do (Nursing) and I have a plan to achieve my goals, I feel like I can actually do it this time around. Hopefully my financial aid comes through. I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but it is just hanging in my mind that I'm not going to be able to start school next month. I've got a bunch of other little things to take care of today as well.

I called this Thirsty Thursday because I am determined to drink all of my water today! To my old self Thirsty Thursday meant that I would slam hammered on rum and cokes and stumble myself home----but not anymore.

Well, I guess I should get on with my day and start crossing things off my To Do List! I am determined to have that list accomplished by Monday!.....so that I can start a new list......ah the real world.

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Monday, July 7, 2008

6:46PM - My First Rambling

Well this is my first blurty entry. So I guess I should give a little update on whats going on in my life. I have moved back to the cornfields of Indiana from the beautiful beaches of Florida. Although I will miss the sound of the waves and the feel of the sand in my toes, being back in my hometown is like running towards a close friend with their arms outstretched to hug me. There is a certain safety and warmth in knowing that the majority of my family is within a few miles. I've moved in with my dad. There is a huge list of complaints that goes along with that, but I'm trying to stay positive today. I've been living alone for most of the last 8-9 years so this is a really big adjustment. I'll be starting school again in the fall. Hopefully will be studying nursing. Its going to be a long hard road, but I know that I can handle it.

I'm in a state of Life overhaul right now. Besides going back to school, I'm embarking on a serious exercise program. I'm about 40 pounds overweight right now. I haven't actually weighed myself in over a month, so it could be higher than that by now. It slowly crept up on me in the past year or so, after losing my mom to cancer and losing my job. Now that I'm making positive changes in my life I think that I can tackle this weight issue and start to get my health in order. Living with my dad (the junk food king) is not going to help. His idea of a healthy meal is tacos and mt dew. This is also the man who once went on a "cream corn and Ruffles diet". It is going to really take commitment. One thing that will help me along is getting on a normal sleeping schedule. So I have to get up in the morning!

So anyways, I am going to use this journal to keep track of the healthy changes (physical, emotional, spiritual) that I'm making each day. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take some 'before' pictures of myself. My goal is to lose 15 pounds by Sept 13 (a friends wedding). I think thats a doable goal. Hopefully it will be more than that though.

I also need to alter my habits with friends. There are certain friends of mine that do more damage to me than good. Take Tina* (* names have been changed to protect myself from getting my ass kicked) for example. She is a train wreck. Move over Brit and Linds, you are nothing compared to her. She is in a financial downward spiral and yet goes further into debt by going on lavish vacays, is sort of a slut, eats really bad and never exercises--and then whines about how out of shape she is, is never supportive of my life choices, and constantly bitches about my other friends. She is just one of those people whom you can never rely on because she is always wrapped up in her own shit. I have always put myself aside to help her with stuff, but on the few occasions that I need her help, she's busy with a boyfriend, housework, or some other lame excuse. Now, since I still really do care about her welfare, and I cannot change her actions, I just have to change how I react towards her. I am someone who deals with depression and anxiety, and when I am around her, it all gets worse. She brings me down with her. I'm going to limit my time with her from now on. I think its probably better that way.

I need to surround myself with people who are positive and have the kind of morals and goals that I have myself. Such as Velma*. She has a fantastic career, loving boyfriend, loves to work out, beautiful house, and a closet that I would kill for. I really need to expand on my friendship with her. We are already great friends, but I think that I need for her to really be around more so that I can learn from her. We started working out together in the mornings, so that is a good start.

Dean* has a lot of awesome qualities as well. He is hilarious. We just laugh the whole time we hang out. He is very 'mystical'. He has more talent in his pinkie than I do in my whole body. He's an amazing painter, just really is able to tap into his creative side, and I admire that most of all. He also loves tv almost as much as me, and loves to cook. I feel like I am more myself when I spend time with him than I do with anyone else. -which is my goal.

Netta* is my supportive rock. She always tells me that I can do it (no matter what 'it' is). Whether its college, losing weight, or making any change in life, she is always there for me. The only negetive about spending time with her is that she is very cynical about love. Her husband left her, and she just hasn't been in a real relationship since then. Its all very understandable, but I do not want her cynicism to rub off on me. I'm already not a huge believer in love (but thats another story altogether).


What I'm lovin today: hickory smoked tuna packets....yum, my cat, laying around in my pjs all day, watching soap operas, clay face masks, club pogo, and grape popsicles

What I'm hatin today: bad soap opera actors, adult acne (seriously this has to stop), waiting on financial aid people to call, stomach aches, humid weather, my dad's gross 'bachelor' type habits

Current mood: blah
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