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quarter-life crisis [03 Jul 2004|08:01pm]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | Newlyweds ]

I found this on a diary on opendiary.com
Very appropriate...

They call it the "quarter-life crises".

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realising that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are right now.

You start realising that people are selfish and that maybe true. Those friends you thought were so close to you aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognise is that they are realising that too and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job and ............ its is not even close to what you thought you would be doing at this age. Or maybe you are looking for a job and realise that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that really scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realise that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. One minute you are insecure and the next, secure.

You life and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone in all this and tats what makes you much more sacred and confused.

Suddenly change is the enemy and you try to cling on to the past with dear life but soon realise that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but to stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken easily and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you and then cry yourself to sleep. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you are not a bad person at all.

One night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like idiots start to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk to your friends about the same things because you never seem to make up your mind and take a decision.

You worry about loans, money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you would just like to be a contender.


What you may not realise is that everyone reading this relates to it, someway or the other. We are twenty-some things. We are in our best of times and in our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We don't know what lies in the future for us, but we are damn sure we are ready for it. We are adults now, we can take it.

Whatever the situation ...... enjoy it to the fullest.

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cuss words [03 Jul 2004|03:22pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | Gilmore Girls ]

I was driving through the grocery store parking lot. I had just gotten off the phone with my sister, and for some reason my whole famliy was aggrivating me. I screamed "god damnit!" I never say that. I HATE saying that. Any other cuss word is fine in my book (when used in the right context and with the right people). But that word is just ugly and horrible. I should never say it. Maybe that's why it felt so powerful. I mean, I'm 20 years old... saying "bad words" doesn't make me think I'm cool or whatever. But that word was so loaded. Like I said, I should never say it. Even though no one was around... I know I said it.

On a slightly happier note, I think I may finish my room cleaning today. If not today, then definitely tomorrow. I shouldn't have brought my Gilmore Girls DVDs upstairs... they're just distracting me now, haha. But once I'm done, I know it's going to be a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm going to be so organized externally (well, I should clean out my car again, but after THAT, hehe) I should be able to concentrate a bit on the internal. Kick ass.

Peace and love be with you all (oh my gosh, I'm turning hippy).

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think happy thought [02 Jul 2004|10:42am]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | The Way - Fastball (really need to dl new music) ]

I'm not having a good day, again. Things are sucking with my friends and I'm not ready to move back up to school. I'd rather not dwell on it. I realize that all of my entries are bitching entries, and in previous diaries I used to actually have positive things to say. What happened to me? I thought I changed for the better in Mexico. Guess I was wrong.

So here goes my attempt at being positive...

I have my whole life ahead of me. To do whatever the hell I want.
Music can be totally uplifting. Steal some music today!
I'm trying really hard to get myself back into reading for pleasure. I used to enjoy that as a kid.
I get to see my best friend today for the first time in 3 1/2 months. I wish I were more excited.
I can be whoever I want to be. I have the youth and the ability.
I love football. I especially love watching my sucky college team win a game.
Family is important. But like all things, subject yourself to family only in moderation.
Friends are important. Unfortunately, they change.
The possiblities at school are endless. Except that it costs a shitload of money and I'm wandering aimlessly.

This is a half-assed attempt at optimism. What's wrong with me.

I'll close on this note. I don't have to know where my life is going to enjoy where I'm at right now. So here I go, attempting to enjoy my day. Ha. That's funny.

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put your mouth where our balls are... [01 Jul 2004|04:01pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | MTV... why won't you just shut the hell up? ]

I just feel like bitching. I wish I had happy things to say... I really do. But I've just spent the day doing nothing... watching TV, eating shit food, napping, and about 5 minutes of cleaning. Boo.

Since TV is driving me up the wall, I think I'm going to go outside and read.

Argh, ya know what? My sister is going to get a job BEFORE me this summer. I haven't even started looking... partly because I have no idea where I want to work. I'm actually willing to do something for little or no money, but I want to do something that I'll gain valuable experience from. So, do I look for a job in a newsroom, or with a non-profit.

Journalism sounds awesome to me. I think I'd be so interested in the classes. I might be interested in social work, too, but I've heard shitty things about the program. I could get my degree in journalism (or Spanish) and then go to grad school for SW. I'd have to go to grad school, anyway. But who gets a j-degree if they're not gonna use it?

Oh, and did I mention my new-found love for Spanish? Well, I was at the cafe, and there was this girl there... total gringa, but she picked up a phone and had the majority of a conversation in Spanish. How cool! I can't lose my skills. That doesn't mean I want to make my career revolve around Spanish... I'm actually pretty sure I don't... but I want to use it in my life.

So back to my lifelong dilemma... fucking life. That's harsh. Life is good. I'm lucky to be going through all this shit, for real. I'm lucky to have some sort of choice as to where my life is going. I just don't want to fuck up.

Ya know what else? I realize that the actions make the people... what I CHOOSE to do will contribute to who I am. Just like my indecisiveness is part of me... a part of me that I HATE and I'm trying to get over... sadly, I thought I was better about this, but I'm really not.

FUCK! SHIT! Like that makes me feel any better. I'd scream if I could, but there's family in the house. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

On a happy note, my sister told me that Brad Pitt drinks his milk with ice, just like me :)

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why do YOU work? [30 Jun 2004|05:42pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Full House ]

There are three reasons why people work...

1 - To earn money.
I'd say that almost all high schoolers and college students work for this reason, and there is also an all-too-large number of people who have a college education or a great deal of experience but are working at jobs just for the money. Most of those people don't enjoy their jobs. Some do, of course, but most spend more than half of their waking hours working for something they could care less about.
I don't want to do this, EVER.

2 - To pursue a passion.
An artists paints because they have a passion to paint. They don't paint if they don't enjoy it (or don't have a talent). They definitely don't do it for the money. GOOD teachers teach because they have the desire to make a difference in children's lives. They enjoy the time they spend in work, and I totally think that makes up for any difference in income. If you enjoy making the money you make, the NEED for fancy things in what leisure time you do have decreases.
You should love what you do with your life.

3 - Because it has meaning.
You often hear about the high-school graduate that's going to med school because their mother died of cancer and they want to help find a cure. I seriously considered becoming a therapist because my best friend suffered from depression. And, well, I thought of more examples before, but I was studying for exams and now they've slipped my mind. But you get the point.
Do something that's meaningful to you.

I already ruled out the first type of job. Money is so unimportant to me, anyway. I mean, for me to even *consider* social work, I'd have to not care about the money.

So that puts me in the bracket of the second two. I've never really gone through any trials in my life... except with the whole depressed-best friend thing (but psychology is definitely NOT for me). I think I'd have to take a closer look at my life to see if there's anything in this area.

As for the passion thing. I've never been super passionate about anything. I love Spanish, but I don't see that directing my life... just want it to be a PART of my life. I love taking pictures, but I don't know if I love it enough to make a career out of it. I just don't know much these days...

I'm glad I've written my way through these thoughts.... it gives me something to chew on. Hopefully I come to some sort of conclusion by Monday...

I'll conclude with a couple of Bible verses...

For you were called for freedom, brothers. But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh; rather, serve one another through love. For the whole law is fulfilled in one statement, namely, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you go on biting and devouring one another, beware that you are not consumed by one another. I say, then: live by the Spirit and you will certainly not gratify the desire of the flesh. For the flesh has desires against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you may not do what you want. But if you are guided by the Spirit, you are not under the law. - Galatians 5:13-18

Do not be provoked by evildoers; do not envy those who do wrong. Like grass they wither quickly; like green plants they wilt away. - Psalm 37:1-2

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i hate... [27 Jun 2004|11:24am]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Miercoles - Panda ]

I almost started crying during the baptisms at church today... how strange.

I don't understand myself. I want a fucking goal! I want to want something. And I don't know what that is...

With social work... I want to do that because I want to help people, and it seems like the most direct way of doing so. I just don't have a real area of social work that I'm interested in doing... nothing I feel committed to doing. With journalism, I could help people, maybe... just indirectly. I could have the freedom of travelling or staying put. I feel like I'd have more of a goal here. I just don't know what God wants me to do.

I hate when I say this, but I should've listened to my mom. I should be doing volunteer work and getting internships and trying out new things. Every time I get involved with something kinda social work-y, though, I just want to quit (or don't even want to start).

I don't even have time to sort out my thoughts. Exams are in 3 days and I haven't started studying... which will just put me in a pissy mood on Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I have to get my room organized and get packed to move... that sucks for a number of other reasons... First of all, I'm not quite ready to move out (although after yesterday's lovely family gathering, I must say the whole "distance" thing works well for my relationship with my mom). I'm worried about how things are going to be with the roomie... seems like things are strange on that front. It sounds like everyone's gotten into the whole partying scene while we've been seperated... and as much as I enjoy just hanging around with some good friends... I have no desire to drink and mingle with complete strangers (maybe that's why I'm single...). Oh, and my roommate expects me to move in on Thursday, and I wasn't planning on going up until Monday. So yeah... after packing, I have to go up north for the 4th... I SO do not want to go, but everyone else is, and I feel like I've been so distanced from my friends anyway.

After the 4th is (hopefully) moving in... which will be hard in the fact that I don't think my parents are going to take it well. Then classes start. Of course, which classes I take are totally contingent on which major I decide to go with. ARGH! Then I need to find myself a job. Ideally I'd like to do that next week, but I obviously don't have time. So, I wait. I plan to go around to local newspapers seeing if there's ANYTHING I could do... I'm even willing to volunteer my time (I can find a paying job later...). If I feel more motivated about doing that... well, then... that might say something about doing journalism. Too bad I need to make a decision FIRST.

I realize I only write in here when I want to bitch and complain. I need to be optimistic sometimes, too.

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you're kidding me, right? [25 Jun 2004|02:03pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | smelly guy ]

So I'm using the library computers, trying to get some homework done. First this guy comes in who smells like strong, bad aftershave, and sits right next to me. I thought that was bad. Then a new guy takes his place. He smells like B.O. And that's not all, folks. He's talking to himself. Like, nonstop talking. He actually said to himself, as he was opening his e-mail "somebody loves me... ok, I'll make you small, I'll make you in (as he put a disk in the drive)." How frickin hilarious?! Too bad I don't have the time to really enjoy this, haha.

"I'll tell it to print, I bet...print...ok...print...your job has been received...okey dokey...now, i want to ...lets see...i want to hit ok cause i think i'm done with you...alright...so, close...make my email big again... oh crap, that's the wrong button... ok this is going to need to... oh crap, wrong button again... now i should probably... what do you want to tell her... just think... damn i don't know how to spell that word... oh i do... screw it, it doesn't get a period... publisher, p... that's a question, right? yeah, that's a question..."

Damn, I've gotta go... he was being funnier at first. I kind of feel bad for making fun of the guy... but he'll never know... and hell, if I could make someone laugh just by being me, I might like it :P Maybe, haha.

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[24 Jun 2004|12:35am]
i just want a goal.
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how appropriate... [23 Jun 2004|07:38pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | radio's still blasting... ]

Discover your Zodiac Personality
Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me
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last weeks fights... [23 Jun 2004|07:13pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | my mom's radio blasting from downstairs ]

Argh! Well, I've cooled off a bit, but I just got in a fight with my mom. I hate when that happens. I know she was just trying to help, but I have asked her many, many times not to discuss this topic with me. I've also tried to explain to her that sometimes I just need to VENT and am not looking for advice. She doesn't get either concept, apparantly.

So now I'm sitting in my room, in a pile of my clothes... I was in the process of cleaning but I'm just getting frusterated. It would be so great if I could finish by tomorrow morning, at the lastest. That way I can spend the next week concentrating on studying for finals, and not have to worry about cleaning between finals and moving out.

Unfortuately, I do have to worry about changing my major. I either have to make a decision in a week and a half (at the very latest) or spend the second half of the summer taking two classes I'm really dreading.

I guess the first part of my venting (before we started fighting) wasn't bad. I KNOW that what I choose to do right now doesn't have to be what I do for the rest of my life. Not even for the next 10 years... I should just do what'll make me happy now. Too bad I don't even know what THAT is.

I suppose I should just trudge through this whole cleaning thing... too bad I'm not one of those people that cleans when something's bothering me.

Maybe I'll go for a drive tomorrow. Just go... somewhere... to clear my mind and relax. Or I could go sit outside in my *own* yard. Either way, it's only if I finish my room.

Damn.

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grad school [19 Jun 2004|11:09pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | ceiling fan ]

So I'm seriously thinking about Journalism as a major right now.

Well, I was planning on going to the career center to meet with an advisor, but it looks like the person I'd need to talk to isn't in for the summer. I may go up there next week anyway, just to see what I can find out... and maybe take some evaluation tests.

I've been trying to reason this all out in my mind today... why I think journalism is the way to go. This is what I've got, so far...
- it would allow me to keep on top of what's going on in the world
- current events was one of my favorite high school classes
- I love taking pictures
- in high school, I LOVED the photo part of my journalism class... I just wish I remembered why I didn't continue with journalism... but it was probably because of my shy personality and fear of failing...
- I could connect with the world and make a difference
- what I was looking for in social work... but if social work doesn't seem right, it probably isn't
- I actually have a pretty good eye when it comes to the camera
- I'm a good writer... but just really hard on myself... since I don't articulate myself well when it comes to speech, I like to sound good on paper
- I loved my social work class... but it was always the current issues that fascinated me...
- I can't imagine doing the same thing day after day (I get too bored sticking with the same exercise routine for a week)... and this would give me the chance to explore new things all the time!
- I'll be able to travel while I'm still unattached and w/o a family... and then I can settle down and do local work once all that comes into play

I guess the next step would be to go through my other options and give reasons to rule them out...
Social work:
- I get myself in some sort of volunteer program or work and then dread doing the actual work
- I think it's the idealist in me... I feel like it's the "right" or "good" thing to do... but my heart's not really in it
- Yeah, I couldn't let myself decline my acceptance into the SW program because I couldn't picture myself doing anything else... but I think that was because I didn't have any *better* alternatives
Economics:
- I don't really care about money
- I'm decent at math, but in order to go far I'd probably need calc, and that's not fun
- It's interesting to have a little background on the subject because it helps you understand the world around you from a different angle, but I think that's it
- I want to live in a small town, and this is a big-town career
Business:
- I think I'm being influenced by a television show
- I always told myself that the one thing I'd never do is business
- I want to be able to support myself and my family, but I don't want to care about money, and it seems like that HAS to be the objective of business
Marine Biology:
- I can't stay awake in bio... enough said...
Spanish:
- I just don't WANT to do it... I think about getting my major in Spanish just to get college over with, but I can't picture myself translating or anything... I like having the skill of conversational Spanish, but that's all I need
Education:
- I always said all throughout school that "if I were a teacher, I'd do this... but there's no way I'm going to be a teacher..."
English:
- This would be another "I'm getting a degree just to get a degree" major
I think that covers just about everything I've been thinking about lately...

Soooo, here's what I can do to break into (photo)journalism...
- start taking classes in the fall (I could graduate on time if I stay on top of everything and don't change my mind again)
- start taking pictures and working on a portfolio
- apply to the school newspaper
- work on the church newsletter (they're always looking for article writers)
- get a good job and keep at it (for an awesome reference)
- shadow a (photo)journalist... I'm sure the school career center can help me out with this...

And finally, here are grad schools for PHOTOjournalism (since my univ doesn't have a pj program)...
- UC Berkley
- Northeastern University
- U of Florida
- U of Montana (if I don't end up majoring in j)

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i just wanna sleep, i don't wanna keep on lovin' you [19 Jun 2004|01:30pm]
I think I realized what I want. I want to get the hell out of college, as fast as I can. Would it be a waste to get a bachelor's in something, just for the hell of it? Because that's what I'm thinking of doing. I could graduate in another year and a half with a major in Spanish, and just get that out of the way. I don't feel like I have time to keep investigating other paths. Then, who knows... after taking a little time off to work and explore myself... I could come back and get another degree. If I found out that social work really is my calling, I could go straight to getting my master's (I already talked this over with my councelor). AHHHH! I can't escape who I really am... the indecisive girl who has no guidance.
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job hunting [19 Jun 2004|11:49am]
I just spent some time looking through job listings online. What a downer. It appears as though you must have experience to do ANYTHING remotely interesting. Or a specialized degree. Or both. And I have none of that.

I really wish I could take this year off. I think I know exactly what I'd do. Go up north. Live close enough that I could visit my grandparents, but not have to see them all the time. Get a job at a b&b, or a photography studio. Make a little money, get a little experience. Clear my head.

I wish I could run away for a little bit. Well, I'm 20, so I guess that's not really running away. But I just want to get away from it all. Damn...
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where i don't want to be [16 Jun 2004|01:43pm]
[ mood | determined ]
[ music | silly quiet library talk... ]

So I've decided, almost for sure, that social work just isn't for me. I think all this time I tried to talk myself into because it seemed like the perfect helping profession... and, well, yes, social workers help people a whole hell of a lot... but it's not the job for me.

My mom said something to me awhile back that I'm finally starting to believe... If I'm happy with my job and my life, no matter what that job and life may be, then I'll be happier and more willing to help other people.

I'm not the activist type. And I also realized that every time I decide I'm going to do some community service, volunteer-type job that would be related to a career in social work... well, it initially sound appealing, but when the time rolls around to actually do that work, I lose interest. That's gotta tell me something there.

I look at my kid sister. Granted there are many personality traits that she posesses and I do not wish to have... well, she's a smart kid with a good life and a good future. She's happy with what she's doing with her time. She's pushing herself, even if it means not being perfect all the time. I need that.

I'm going to teach myself photography. That's one thing I've been interested in for quite awhile. I love making prints (although I've only done it once in high school) and love finding artistic angles on everyday things. I think it'd be awesome to be a photojournalist. Too bad my school has no program. I've got a couple of thoughts on that. I could transfer... although I'd already be at senior credit status by the time I could do that, so I might as well just finish up with what I'm doing here and start somewhere else, if needed. I could also take classes at a nearby community college and work to get my associate's while I'm finishing up my bachelor's. This option is sounding good. At the very least, I could take a couple classes and learn a little bit more... even if I end up going all the way through the program and don't end up doing that as a career... well, I've got a better handle on a hobby I already enjoy. Thirdly, and I could do this in conjunction or seperate from option number two... talk to the local paper(s) about what I could do to work/intern for them... or even local photography studios... or maybe see if I could shadow a photographer. That way I can get some first-hand experience.

I hope I'm not thinking about photography for the wrong reasons... I have a tendency into talking myself into liking something just for the sake of finding my career path. Last semester I had the mindset that I could do whatever I want until I get bored with it, and then move on. I'm starting to readapt that, and that's a good thing, I think. But I remember when I was in high school... there was this girl, she was going to be a premed major, and a month before graduation she decided she wanted to drop out of one of the best med school programs in the nation and go to the east coast to take a photography workshop. Her parents weren't exactly thrilled, to say the least. So after she went to this workshop, she got a full-time job, her own place, and started paying her way through CC, majoring in photography. I was so jealous... I wondered why I couldn't do something like that. At least I'd have the support (even if it was only feigned support) from my family.

I'm gonna give it a shot. Well, first I'm gonna pull out my mom's old 35MM and get a couple of books (Photography for Dummies, anyone?). Then I'm going to dedicate a bit of my day to this goal, every day (or every other day... whatever works best). I'm starting to get better at prioritizing my schedule, so I should be able do this.

Oh, couple of closing thought... 1, well, I talked to a friend from my study abroad. She's totally on the top of the world... making her way through networks and trying to find things to do after college... she's applying to the peace corps, talking to the mexican consolate for jobs, interning and working other jobs... training for a marathon. I think about what I've done since I got back... taking two classes, "working" temporarily for my dad (hopefully only till the end of this week), and backing out of a volunteer job. What a pathetic difference. I don't necessarily want what she has, but I want to be making better use of my time, and finding a goal. And if I don't have that goal yet... well, I at least want to find a journey (because that's really the important part). 2, this same friend of mine is thinking of doing a photodocumentary, and I totally might get to work on that with her! I'd absolutely love to do that! So hopefully that follow's through.

So I go off to class... then hopefully home to pull out the ol' camera.

Awesome...

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rain [14 Jun 2004|06:43pm]
[ mood | tranquil ]
[ music | library noises ]

there's nothing like the scent of lilacs and freshness after a rain to boost your spirits.

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life thoughts [11 Jun 2004|03:03pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | This Love - Maroon 5 ]

My perfect job: to be able to do whatever makes me happy, and significantly help people (directly or indirectly) out while doing it.

The other day, I realized I want to be Kirk from Gilmore Girls. I don't want to have his personality. I wouldn't mind having his luck with relationships (he found the perfect girl for him... and of course, I'd like the perfect guy). But, well, Kirk has "47 jobs." He does a little bit of everything. Doesn't that seem like the answer for a girl who has no clue what she wants to do with her life?

I don't know why I'm so afraid of making a mistake here. Oh, wait, yes, I do. See, my parents are paying good money for me to go to college. I don't want to waste it. Although I know that just having a bachelor's degree can help me do whatever comes next (get a job, get my master's, get another bachelor's). I should be happy to know that the possiblities are endless for me. But I'm not. I want to know where my future is headed. If I could be happy just drifting around in life, and I knew that's what I had in store... well... I'd be happy. Sigh...

I ruled out being a journalist today. If I'm ever involved in any aspect of journalism, I'd want to be a photographer. Definitely haven't ruled that one out. Too bad I have no experience with real photography (unless you count the two weeks we spent on it in my high school journalism class). I'm thinking of talking to someone at the school newspaper... seeing if I could shadow someone just for the experience, and then maybe apply to work for the paper my senior year (and perhaps my 5th year, as well...). At the very least, it'd be a resume booster. I need lots of those...

Which is why I decided it's good I have at least another semester of college ahead of me. I mean, I AM going to eventually get a degree. Taking a year off is very appealing, though. Hmm... I wrote about this before, didn't I? Anyway... I can spend next year making sure (or checking to see) that social work is not what (or what) I want to do... and explore other options. Plus, boost my resume, so that if I wasn't in school, I'd be able to secure down a full-time job.

I think I'm going to try and take another econ class this summer. Well, first I want to talk to my econ prof. Ask him for a bit of advice... see if he has any resources or information for me as to what I could do with an econ degree. He's a cool guy... I'm sure he'd be at least a little helpful.

That would make a grand total of 3 classes for the second half of the summer. And a non-paying tutoring job (experience, baby!). And hopefully a part-time, paying job (that's not too shitty). And keeping up with going to church (and maybe exploring what I could get involved with there during fall semester). I'm a lunatic. I'm going to get NO break this summer. I probably won't even get to see much of my family after the end of this month. Before I got home, I thought that would be wonderful... but we're getting along so well lately, and things have never been so good with my parents (that I remember). Come to think of it... well, things started getting rocky (well, they'd always been rocky, but particularly bad) around the time I graduated from high school. During my first year of college things sucked for them. But with both the kids out of the house, they seem to be doing better. Good, even. Maybe I NEED to get out of here, lol.

So what would be cool jobs to have? Not majors, but jobs?
- dolphin trainer
- freelance photographer
- national geographic photographer
- local newspaper photographer (keeping in mind that I want a small-town life)
- economist/financial analyst for a non-profit
- director of some important non-profit (or some area of it)
- teacher
- small-business owner (restaurant, or maybe a store)
- run a bed and breakfast (old dream of mine)
- surfer! (yes... move to cali... or better yet, hawaii... no experience... pick up the sport in a matter of weeks and start making millions!)
- some sort of job in television (production, maybe... this was totally random)
- running a low-key vacation spot
- meterologist in colorado (cause the weather always rocks, so people will always like you, haha)
- opinion columnist (hmm... maybe i didn't rule out journalism completely)

OK, so have I written enough for one entry? I'll stop now.

-jess

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Harry, Nick, and Miss Productivity [06 Jun 2004|07:19pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | Muneca - Panda ]

Well Friday night I went to see Harry Potter with the gang. The movie was… well, it was good, yet disappointing. I’m sure if you’ve read the books and seen the movie you’d know what I’m saying. I’m now scared for the 4th movie. Ah well. It was still a good movie. I loved the darker side to it. And I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that the 3rd book was probably my favorite (maybe beaten out by the 5th). Plus, I had tons of fun with my friends. We went shopping (and I bought an awesome new hat, hehe). We went to iHop afterwards, too… we were the only people in the place for awhile… and with that mix of people things were never dull… which is good cause we waited FOREVER for our food.

***

Nick. That’s a kid I went to high school with. He was a year older than me, but I knew him from a class we had together and through Bible study. We weren’t friends… acquaintances at the most… he probably doesn’t even know who I am. But I remember him. His parents forced him to go to Mass with them every Sunday, even though he had converted to another denomination. He sat there, grudgingly, every week. Then he’d go to his own church afterwards.
Today I saw him in church… for the first time in quite awhile. I was surprised that he was there. I mean, he’ll be a college senior, and his parents are still making him go to church? Well… maybe not. He sat there, very involved in the Mass, with a smile on his face. He went up to take communion. I don’t know if he’s converted back or what… and honestly, to me that doesn’t matter… to each his own. But what really did strike me is how he had gotten past the “Catholicism sucks” phase. He was taking in every part of that Mass… more than most people in the church. How cool is that?

***

And, well, I’ve been pretty darn productive today. What an incredible way to start my week. I woke up and got my workout in right away (while watching Gilmore Girls and tennis, hehe). After that was church (spiritual boosters are the best!) and groceries (it’s a staple combination in my family). Then… oh, yeah, lunch (very healthy, might I add) and preparing a little bit of food to eat for the week. Then errands, fixing up my fishy tank, and now I’m getting ready to survey the yard for flower-buying (my dad’s paying me to buy and plant them this year! whoop!).
I just feel great. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I plan to get some homework done, too… then watch the basketball game and get to bed at a decent hour. This week is going to continue down this path. It has to. And if I can have one awesome, healthy, productive week… why not more? Gotta love optimism!

-jess

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sometimes... [04 Jun 2004|03:30pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | silence of the library ]

people put things in perspective.

-jess

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[03 Jun 2004|10:24pm]
[ mood | scattered ]
[ music | Celebrity Poker Showdown ]

My friends seem to be pissing me off lately. I feel like so much has changed, and I just want to escape. I don't, however, want to dwell on this subject. So on to happier things...

- It looks like my computer's never getting fixed. I don't want to throw $300 into it just to have it crash on me in a couple of months... with this thing, who knows what'll happen next. As much as I'd hate to do it, I'm considering a desktop. With a flat-panel screen. They're kinda spiffy... and free up space on my cluttered desk. We'll see about that.

- I am, however, willing to spend $300 on an iPod. I don't know what the new fascination is with these things. I told my mom I didn't want one last Christmas... but now I think it's practical. And fun in all those cool colors! haha. Seriously, though... putting all my CDs onto one little machine would free up a lot of space... and because I'm such a minimalist, I'd have a field day with that.

- I think I'm going to learn to crochet. Not right this minute, obviously. But I'd like to learn to knit and crochet. I have one friend who can knit (but she lives 2 hours away). My friend that crochets, however, lives 15 minutes away. I want to pick up new hobbies... new, artsy abilities. That could be a fun one. Totally impractical for the summer... but hey, I can probably finish a scarf by November or so! ha.

I'm going to start thinking about things... the future, my friends, where I want to be. I'm sure this is going to lead to me wanting to be somewhere that I'm not. Which will put me in a f'ed up mood. In fact, that's already starting to hit me. And, since I don't feel like writing about all that...

-jess

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unmotivated [02 Jun 2004|07:23pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | radio commercials ]

Well, I obviously can't stick with ANYTHING for long. I've lost my motivation to "seek God first" because I just want an answer (and I want it NOW). I'm not fasting from the internet, either... obviously. See, I went to get my computer fixed but the place wasn't open. And, I got home early today... so I had time to slack (I'm not awake and alert enough to do much else). Bad excuses, yes. But there they are.

I've been thinking about possible majors, again. Here's a list of fields that I'm interested in pursuing. I think if I have things concretely (word??) written down, I will be able to sort through them (and pray about them) more efficiently. So here goes nothing...

Social Work
Photography
Economics
Business

Wow. That was a lot shorter than my lists normally are. I think I ruled out some stuff that used to be on there (like Dolphin Trainer... if I can't survive one semester of biology how could I ever MAJOR in it?). I added Econ and Business (well, I used to have Hospitality Business on there, but I expanded out). Econ's new because I realize how it can relate to Social Work, and because I actually think it's kinda fun (I've always liked simple math). Photography and Social Work are the most long standing. Oh, wow... I dropped Spanish off my list, too. I've realized that I don't even have to incorporate it into my job to use it. I know people who speak Spanish... so I obvioulsy don't want my skills to deteriorate, so I can keep talking to them. It can just be a fun thing.

OK, being yelled at to eat dinner.

-jess

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