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Friday, May 16th, 2008
1:12 am
so i got my first e-mail about being a camp counselor this summer and it made me so depressed i want to cry. i was going to stay in blacksburg until june 22, when my lease is up but the e-mail says i have to be home fro training on the 17th.

not fair. i don't want to be a fucking camp counselor again. it's not going to get me anywhere in life. i'm not on track to be a teacher anymore--i changed majors. but i'm fucking stuck as a counselor b/c i signed a sheet saying i'd do it again (back in january) I'M A STUPID STUPID FUCK.

so i started thinking i would do ANYTHING to get out of it. i could get in a car crash, or overdose, or just SOMETHING to get me out of being a fucking counselor for 7 fucking weeks. but then overdosing is just redic and my parents would never trust me down at school again. i'd prob have to take a semester off.
but i don't know how to get out of it-without bringing attention to myself. it needs to be accidental. not really willing to go crash my car though...

and on another topic. i wish i wasn't so damn poor. thank god i get free weed at school but i can't get anything else for free. and the only person who might give something to me for free can't find anything. even adderall would satisfy me.
but i really want some coke. not that i can afford but. but fucking amazing shit that i would do almost anything for.

GOD i do not want mid-june to come. i'm gonna get so depressed. i know it. that's why i'm not coming home 'til mid june anyways b/c i know i'll just sit in my house/go to work everyday and be depressed that i'm not in my apt. in blacksburg. smoking and drinking everynight.

wonderfully healthy. i know.

at least i lost 5lbs. maybe i can keep that going. one good thing in my life.

oh AND i can never get to sleep anymore. i don't think it's a form of insomnia, but it fucking sucks. i lie in bed forever, not even thinking about anything--i just CAN'T fall asleep. when i do EVENTUALLY i never want to wake up. i wake up at noon and try to go back to sleep b/c i hate life until 9 pm. what the FUUUUCCCKKKK.

I hate summer :(

current mood: depressed

(just watch me)

Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
9:58 pm
UGH! i gained weight. why do i always gain weight when something changes--like when i come home??? i didn't gain weight the whole 3 months i was at school-that's good, but i gain when i come home :( when i gain weight it makes me not want to go out and drink b/c i feel so ridiculously unattractive. instead i stay home and feel miserable.
i'm supposed to go out this friday but i feel so gross i don't want to. esp since half the people there i want to really just show them that i CAN lose weight. i wish i could lose 50 lbs in a day. haha.
at least i'm working from 4-11 tomorrow so i can get away w/out dinner. i'll easily be able to stay under my 500 cals for ana boot camp. maybe i'll try to exercise extra long tomorrow. too bad both my parents are off of work so i can't be really obvious.
i feel like it's so hard to keep in touch w/all my high school friends. and again that one of them has really changed and i don't like it.
i just want to be skinny agaiinn!!!!! :( i don't want to drink friday night even i do fast. i want to wear huge sweats and put a bag over my face. i'm so fat. the ONLY positive is that i weigh less than i did this summer.

(just watch me)

Monday, November 19th, 2007
12:04 am
sooo i need to go tanning tomorrow. and work out b/c i didn't work out today. ugh.

it's so hard to get away with being under even like 300 cals w/my parents around. hopefully since they have to work tom and tuesday i can get away with it easier. or if i just go somewhere around dinnertime and say i'm eating out...
aaaannnd my mom is OBSESSED with baking. she wants to bake bake bake so i have TONS of cookies to take back to school. i guess i'll just give them to my roommates and leave a big box at the house for all of my sisters.
at least my fav proana/mia posting site is back up :) so i can look at that for hours a day again.
i reaaally hope i get some hours at old navy this week too. i have to call my manager tomorrow to see if she gave me any.
i think i'll try to wake up early tomorrow to go tanning then come home and bike or run before nancy comes over.
oh god and i just remembered i have to go to david's bridal tomorrow to get a pref. dress for AGD. i do NOT want to know what size i am. uuuugh. i hate dress sizes. they're so much more realistic than my stupid jeans sizes--which were just making me feel better b/c i lost a size. even though i can't afford to buy a new pair of jeans right now so i'm stuck wearing a belt everyday until i can buy new jeans. size 3/4. whoever thought i'd be happy to be that size? haha. oh well.
last time i weighed myself -2 days ago i think? i was 1 lb less than what i was at this time last year. now i'm scared to weigh myself. but i HAVE to. if i weigh myself everyday it's a lot easier to eat less than if i don't know where i am.

(just watch me)

Sunday, November 18th, 2007
1:06 am
ugh. def wasn't under 100 cals today. for some reason my parents WANT me to eat again. i'm not near where i was in high school so i don't understand my mom's logic.

so instead of 200 tom i'm having 100. the only hard part will be getting away with it. i can just say i don't feel good and have an apple for dinner or something. and hopefully with work the rest of the week i can get away w/it more easily. assuming i get hours....
but if i DON'T get hours i can work out more...

i feel so gross from today though. uuuuuuuggggh. and on thanksgiving i am only going to have ONE piece of turkey. and i moved things around so it's my 500 day. i'm pretty sure turkey doesn't have that many cals..i'll have to look it up.

on another note-or not depending on how you look at it i wish someone had answered their phone last night. mainly my brother.

oh and i noticed i get full quickly now. yay for my stomach shrinking :)
and i will have no more than 100 cals tomorrow!!!!

current mood: frustrated

(just watch me)

Thursday, November 15th, 2007
10:41 pm
day 3 of ana boot camp is over. 300 cals. and somehow it wasn't hard. when i was eating i didn't feel hungry or even pick at my food like i usually do to make it last longer. maybe it's just because i wasn't in the mood to eat the fruit cup or single helping of chicken helper (only 190 cals for a meal :))

lost 5 lbs since day one. too bad i know it's going to slow down. and i'm not looking forward to thanksgiving...ugh. at least when I'm at home I work out everyday b/c there's an exercise bike in my house. if only there was one in my apt...

*What have you done today to make you feel proud?*

Fasting on food tomorrow b/c i'm drinking. at least i get drunk quicker when i don't eat so i don't end up drinking as much. and i wake up feeling sick so I'm not hungry until 4 pm ish. then i can just hold out 'till dinner. :)
just gotta stay motivated. looking at the pro ana/mia posts on the 24hr posting site. i could read it for hours. i did today. haha.
and yesterday when i was eating dinner i was watching a movie about a girl w/ana/mia and it made me not want to eat. maybe i should try to eat while watching/reading thinspiration.

(1 laugh | just watch me)

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
12:25 pm
second day of ana boot camp..

500 cals again. i'm about to go get lunch--a salad and pudding cup.

and I know my starting weight now so hopefully i'll lose a lot...

*If you hang your swimsuit on the refrigerator door, the goodies inside will be easier to ignore! *

(just watch me)

Monday, November 12th, 2007
12:44 pm
starting ana boot camp tomorrow

which means day one is 500 calories......not that i have much food to chose from. raman and oatmeal. that'll prob help keep me under 500 though

and i'm gonna try to weigh myself everyday NO EXCUSES

*What do I see in the mirror? Everything everyone else doesn't see.*

(just watch me)

Friday, November 9th, 2007
3:00 pm
i'm tired of all my friends being whores and sluts. i'm not kidding. and i'm not going to bother explaining b/c it's too much.

so maybe if i read a pro ana/mia board everyday it will keep me motivated.
and how much i want to prove people wrong.

*We never regret eating too little*

(just watch me)

Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
5:09 pm
god. what us up with me going in little bouts of depression. it's not real depression, it just feeling sad and like no one cares about me for one or two days.
this is lame to complain about, i know but it still bothers me. when people act like their boyfriend is their life. i'm pretty sure i never did that...tell me if i did-PLEASE. but i'd try to be open-minded and let people tag along or i'd just hang out w/them and NOT my boyfriend for once. don't people get fucking sick of eachother? i'm not gonna go to a party by myself and hopefully come find you just to see you sucking face w/your boyfriend when i don't know ANYONE else b/c it's a fucking frat(ernity) party....

and this is not PMS.

oh and PS. LISA is fucking pissing me offfff. i'm not a fucking idiot. i got in early decision. yes sometimes i can be ...dumb blondish but still. at least i don't have the personality of a fucking paper bag. and at least when i have sex it's not with a one night stand.

current mood: infuriated

(just watch me)

Sunday, June 17th, 2007
11:44 am
I know i've gained weight. obviously, who wouldn't notice? but it still hurts to hear it. I want to prove to everyone what i can do.

and aside from that going away to college really made me realize how different i am from some of my friends. we're just not into the same things anymore. i was getting frustrated senior year but we were still really close but last night just seemed. idk like we had never really met. she's so different from me and it hurts b/c she used to be such a good friend. i feel like i can still tell her everything. but now i feel like she's some adult who's interested in politics and culturally diverse movies and being all . . .idk into the deeper meanings of things when i'm just a happy-go-lucky type of person who HATES reading into things. i don't like talking about politics-liberal OR conservative. i just don't care. i'm sorry. i don't like reading into themes and motifs of movies. i certainly don't watch a movie and concentrate on how it's a satire. i don't want to feel like i'm in school when i'm with her. i don't like freedom writers or blood diamond. why the hell would i want to watch that? i've always watched comedy's with her.
i usually try to take change in stride but this is hard. i feel like college had made her become more political, etc., etc., but college just made me party and she's not really into that.
i can't tell if i'm falling into depression again or if i'm just having an angry/frustrating few days. i really wanted to cut but didn't. so at least i can be proud of myself for that. i know it's def not PMS since i'm not getting my retarded period anytime soon. i thought birth control was supposed to fix that? if only i wouldn't get my period b/c i was too skinny. HA. maybe someday i will again.
sometimes i wish i had told my parents i loved them from the start. even my dad. as pissed of as he makes me and i always say i HATE him. i kinda feel sorry for him. if i had muscular dystrophy i'd prob think life was unfair and i'd be bitter about it too. it's just that he takes things in excess when i know he didn't have a troubling childhood or anything. and i wish i could fix things with my mom and actually talk to her about everything. but i feel like no matter how hard i try i can't be nice to her. i'm always a bitch and i don't want to be. she's a good mom and she doesn't deserve to have me getting frustrated with her all the time. but i feel like it'd be so weird if i just randomly was like "mom i'm sorry. i really do appreciate you."

current mood: apathetic

(just watch me)

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
10:32 pm
lost 3ish more lbs :) just wish i had a more accurate (aka digital) scale.

i hope i can keep this pace up :D

current mood: happy

(just watch me)

Sunday, June 10th, 2007
7:56 pm
i just bought some crest whitestrips (YAY!!) so that'll keep me from eating too much. i think i did well today. under 700 cals. it IS good for me. not as good as some other people but whatever. as long as i'm losing weight. speaking of which i should weigh myself tomorrow...

yay for whiter teeth every 6 months :D

current mood: chipper

(just watch me)

12:08 am
do you sometimes feel all alone. like no one is really your friend? like it's all for show--to say how many friends one person has? that no one values your friendship or really cares what the fuck happens to you?
or is it just me?

current mood: crappy

(1 laugh | just watch me)

Friday, June 8th, 2007
8:21 pm
another lb lost. i'm still optimistic. better to go down than up :) and i turned down dominos pizza when my brother and his friend ordered some. i'm proud of myself for that...

on another note. i deserve a fucking raise. um other college kids came back and got a raise but I didn't. why? i think i'm the only college kid left that's making under $9.50. i don't want to wait a fucking week for when we get our reviews--everyone's going to get a raise so i'll still be behind the other college kids. which isn't fair when i've been there just as long as them if not longer than some. WTF. LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

current mood: aggravated

(just watch me)

Thursday, June 7th, 2007
10:21 pm
well one more pound down. a million more to go. but i'm still happy i'm losing weight, it may be slow but it's better than staying the same or going up.

Eat less, weigh less.

current mood: optimistic

(just watch me)

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
6:46 pm
well i lost 3/4 lbs in 3 days. could be better but it could be worse.
i really wish i had a digital scale instead of one of those stupid needle that points to a number one...
i should go buy one but i'm broke. haha.

current mood: anxious

(just watch me)

Monday, June 4th, 2007
11:23 pm
so this is really sad. but i almost wish i could afford coke to lose weight.

that's insanity.

but i guess it means i'm back to being a little obsessed with my weight. i'm going to start weighing myself everyday.

current mood: contemplative

(1 laugh | just watch me)

Sunday, May 20th, 2007
11:35 pm

everytime i turn around i have a fucking negative balance on my debit card. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAVE UP FOR COLLEGE AND SHIT WHEN I NEVER HAVE MONEY?!?!?!
I keep track but apparently not well enough b/c i'm always going over and getting overdraft fees.


my paycheck this wednesday better be a shit ton of money or i'm SCREWED.

i'm FUCKING PISSED that i'm always getting charged. what the fuck!?!?! i know how to keep track of money. i never got charged for overages until this year.


gonna go cry myself to sleep now.

current mood: pissed off

(just watch me)

Friday, May 18th, 2007
9:16 pm
i hate the feeling of being used. scratch that-i hate BEING used. not mentioning names. but seriously.

and i'm siiiiiiiiiiick of PEOPLE. haha that sounds wierd i know. but working in retail. just. aaaaaargh. when i'm in a grumpy mood i really notice how random people piss me off. the little things customers do. and being rude. it pisses me off. do they think being rude to me will make my job any easier? seriously. i wished everyone was required to work in retail at some point in their life so they know what it's like. i feel retarded ranting but it really bug me. not enough to quit my job b/c i like the pay and it's easy most of the time. but really.
are babies necessary for shopping? they can't try on the clothes. they SCREAM for what feels like forever and oh since the mom can tune it out she just thinks everyone else can too. but guess what? THEY CAN'T. Shut the fucking baby up. and don't let them eat shit in the store. it's more for us to clean up. and apparently they're allowed to drool on stuff that will soon be purchased for them b/c it seems like whenever a mom takes something from the baby and gives it to me to scan it's COVERED in slober. it's disgusting. or if the mom ISN'T buying whatever it is the baby wants that causes a seen too, and the baby starts screaming it's stupid head of again. and strollers. don't get me started. they are ALWAYS in the way. DON'T FUCKING TAKE YOUR BABY SHOPPING. get a babysitter if you have money to spend. everyone thinks their baby is cute but that doesn't mean other people think it is.
customers are such slobs. and careless. yes, it maybe be our job to clean up the store after you but that doesn't give you an excuse to be so rude, etc. etc. and it REALLY pisses me off when people decide they don't want something in line and just put it on our line thing that shows people where to stand while waiting. give it to ME. i'll put it with everything else that we have to process and put away. it just makes our job worse if we have to go around and pick up random shit that people can't either give to an employee or put away. and don't tell me you can't speak ONE word of english. that really pisses me off. and i know no one wants another credit card, but it's my job to ask. so be polite and say "no thanks" that's fine by me, i'm not going to force it on you. but to ignore me? (or PRETEND you don't speak english then ask the total and such? that's LOW. all you do is fucking say NO. politely please.) that fucking sucks. apparently i'm the scum of the earth to you shoppers. sorry i just started working here when i was in high school and i come back sometimes to make money. i'm not and IDIOT. i don't deserve to listen to your asshole remarks.

i'm not a highly religious person, but more and more i'm beginning to think that this isn't how god wanted the world to turn out. i don't think he wanted people to only care about themselves.
and money.
and looks.

current mood: pissed off

(2 laughs | just watch me)

Wednesday, May 16th, 2007
9:03 pm
it is sickening that there is a game on the internet based on the VT massacre--or as it should be called the shooting.
speaking of which-i had a dream about it last night. it was wierd but i was still scared and shaking when i woke up. i was working in a grocery store with minela and diana from ONO and there were a few customers around the store. it was pretty empty, but a lady asked me if we had any more of a certain grocery and i went to the back room (yea...i know grocery stores don't do that. it was the retail part of my mind...) and when i went back there i heard a bunch of gunshots. so like an idiot i ran out there and kept hearing gunshots but didn't see anything. i ran to the edge of an asile and hid on a shelf under some clothes (yea ONO again...) when i peeked back out i saw cho walking towards me with a gun in his hand and his vest and bandana on. i remember feeling so scared but he didn't see me and he just walked out of the store. it turns out that only minela, diana and i survived and some firefigher (?) that i was apparently really close to in dream life died.
then diana and her roommate and brother came along in two cars. i hoped in the car w/di and her brother b/c she had to take him somewhere before our BBQ we were going to. (i know it's like a separate dream) and on the way i kept holding back tears and when we got to the BBQ I finally broke down b/c everyone kept asking me about the shooting.

it was so strange.

current mood: morose

(just watch me)

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