A Fresh New Beginning [02 Jun 2007|08:42pm] 1.5 months have passed... what has changed? Many many things! The below extract from an email to a dear friend summarises them... more details later....;) "I just started on my new job yesterday... finished first day of orientation. Together with another newbie, we talked to my Head of Department and met all the new colleagues. But I have not met up with my direct boss yet, that would be next Monday... Colleagues still seem pretty nice... I really hope that this will be a fresh, new and good beginning......:) Hope to be able to utilise my strengths to serve others..... and by freeing myself from worries about jobs, then I can do other things! I popped by my old department too... to clear some final things and to type a gdbye email to everyone. It was nice chatting with my old branchmate.. Life has been good ever since I returned from a retreat in Thailand in Apr... I went in a desperate state at a complete loss as of what to do... in jobs and everything. Perhaps it was due to this state that I surrendered everything to Him... talked to spiritual guiders on my issues.... and for the first time, I got to know Him for myself.. and He placed everything into perspective.. He is so close to us and loving, he has big plans in His Hands! And there's lots for me to do for Him.. I came back and attended a couple of interviews, was offered both jobs. One of them pays little but offers overseas exposure, will get to travel to Europe, Africa etc for business development 25% of the working time. And I could seem to click with the guy boss. The other one is another department in M%ND$F which deals with education/communication of financial planning skills to SAF regulars. Not terribly exciting/inspiring... but as we know, govt pays better and there are better benefits.... And I really want to start with something I think I'm prob better at... mass communications... Furthermore, with less overseas travel and OT, I could probably concentrate more on my further studies. I was also offered a place in the NTU Grad Dip in Translation and Intepretation. Damn ex man, $12K, and no subsidisation available for me, arghh!! But it's something I would like to do.. :i took a long time to accept the offer. I just came back from a 9-day backpacking trip in Vietnam last week. (And after I came back, i miraculously finished packing and handing over to my branchmate before leaving teh place and before old boss came back!:P) It was a xiong trip and really good exposure and taught the 2 of us independance. And even more imptly, to live with each other. Hahaha I didnt think it possible before the trip, but prayed quite hard abt it. And we became the best travelling partners! Coordinated perfectly, finished each other's sentances, were never late, caught all our buses and flights, didnt get cheated, looked out and cared for each other, mingled with the other fellow travellers, took turns to be frontline, made decisions together, figured out maps,etc.. And since she's naturally super gan cheong, and I'm more calm and optimistic, we kinda complemented to make things work... Of course, there were times when my patience was tested (am sure so for her too), that was when she misunderstood or didnt trust me in some things... and when she said no to things I want me/us to do or buy (i decided not to ask next time but just do what i want...) Like I wanted to cycle to explore on the island and she said "No i cant cycle!" But I went ahead to cycle anyway with the other travellers...hee. oops) There were also those moments I had to crack my brains to think of what to talk about next.... 9 X 24 hours is quite alot.. heh... But it worked out fine and strengthened our frenship! Of cos, with much prayers... Today, I was almost admitted into hospital for 3-5 days for an infection on the left foot which has not healed for months. Sigh... scared me man. Prayed damn hard. Thankfully, eventually it turned out ok, and i didnt test positive for diabetes too, which was my greatest fear. There's family history of it, and a wound that does not heal for months is suspicous... " More later......=) And pictures! 2 comments|post comment

[16 Apr 2007|08:02pm] What is the worst thing that can happen? That she humiliates me. That she whacks me upside down. What is defined as 'success' or happiness? That the boss appreciates or likes me. Is it that important? Who really cares? What is the worst thing that can happen now, to me, is that we end it all on a bad note. That it ends with me 'proving' her right the junk she thinks I am. That I go off carrying this feeling that the person was right about me. Why should a person's opinion matter so much? What does it even help that it matters? Technically, it is not the worst. Some things are not within my control. I cannot control what another person thinks about me. Nor can I can control how another person treats and talks to me. Nor can I control how the person likes to shake head at things I had painstakingly prepared. So what matters to me is not what the person thinks or says. It is what I think of and believe in myself. It is that I do my best. The road ahead is dark and hidden, I feel sabotaged by Him when after all the prayers, I get whacked upside down again. I hate the gnawing feeling of unease when I am talking to Him, about this and bringing the unease when standing in front of her. Just how do You want me to think? Yesterday there, You told me, plan the path towards success. You know you can do many great things and I have shown you. Do not be afraid of failure. True, these things were very much needed for today. There were some things which were not within plans, and I fumbled on those. Am I powerless against all these? She is irritated at the sight of me. What can I do that would be right? What was wrong with me today? I know You are there, help me out. 4 comments|post comment

[07 Apr 2007|01:06pm] http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm Personal Profile: You appreciate the better things of life and you don't particularly want to strive in order to achieve them. What a pity you were not born into the Gentry with servants, etc. Unfortunately - life is not like that. You have the ability to be whatever it is that you would like to be but you must make the effort. Everything seems to be going against you at this time. Try as you may you are meeting with considerable resistance at every turn. Nothing is going as you would plan. The situation is difficult and you are trying to persist in your objectives against resistance. It would appear that you are being very secretive about your future plans just in case people around you try to thwart you. You know what you want and you are very dogmatic and demanding - especially in your emotional demands. You have specific ideas and beliefs and if these beliefs are not realised you can become extremely frustrated. You may not be that perfect but you are looking for perfection with the perfect partner. You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions. You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realise those dreams and to turn them into reality. This is almost exactly true at this point of time. How did they know? More importantly, how do I turn dreams into reality? Which way to go and action to take now? Every step I take seems to meet with resistance... I boldly told myself, nothing can bring me down... on Tuesday. And yet some of the decisions I made were still wrong and backfired.... Yet if I have not made any decision, would be accused of not thinking and contributing, or not going ahead and putting us back. Can I be calm and clear-headed in all these? Such things and polical play do not come naturally to me at all and thus is true that I am 'blind' to them. I would wish to spend my time doing something far far more frutiful and useful to human beings. If I were to suffer, I want it to be for a good cause, like how Jesus suffered before he was crucified. It was worthwhile. I would do anything now, just let me know what. "Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup away from me. But let your will be done, not mine." post comment

[08 Feb 2007|08:58pm] I have trusted You in many things, and You have shown them to me. I know You are there. In some things, I come to You in earnest prayer, yet, I do not have very much faith. It is in these times, Lord, that I need You to open my mind and heart to trust completely. I cannot look down from the edge of a towering cliff and simply pray that, that it is not a cliff. I cannot run along the path towards the finishing line and, feel I will and want to trip anyway. It used to be that I believed I was the best, I boldly gave new ideas that she seemed to like. When she checked me and said I may be 'smart n intelligent', but over confident and idealistic and blind, I started to try to be not so sure but more realistic n down to earth. After all, your ideas must be implementable. I toed the line and felt suffocated/repressed, but if this is the way to realise more things, then it was fine. I over-toed the line and missed it most of the time for some time. I feel so defeated, useless and hopeless when she goes on and on. I thought we had improved over the last 2 weeks, I toed the line properly and she became actually nice. Caring. My brains, whatever gold there is in it at normal times turns to dust the moment I sit in front of her. And she sees only the dust in it. It cannot be. There has to be a way out. There will be a way out. Because, we are humans and we find exit strategies ourselves. In the meantime, if not if You are there and You know me best. If it is Your will that there be a miracle, let it happen tomorrow. post comment

Trusting in Him [22 Jan 2007|12:50am] At the crossroads - Trusting in Him to be freed from the chains of disastrous, self-defeating habits, to be empowered with His hope and new strength, to believe, discern and be led by His Will to a better place, to make the best of the 'opportunity' and turn of events, to prioritise and plan for the future and make it happen, to perservere in contributing to the best of abilities to lay a solid foundation for sustainabilty, to keep an open and positive mind, to leave a legacy, to stay close to Him in this period, to listen to His word of Life, to grow in faith, to shine for Him regardless of circumstances, to make deliberate efforts to do so, to have joy and peace always in all situations. post comment

How do I know He is real? [21 Dec 2006|09:00pm] Attended the CSS Xmas bash with M 2 days ago, after a sad and traumatising day at work. It was nice being with this community again although the people have changed and there was culture shock as this batch appeared too juvenile, or have we grown.. erm.. up. However, it was a nice, warm and heavenly experience. What was amazing was something I found out, Mark has become CSS pres! Oh God... that witty joker who can't keep a straight face and is always making wise cracks? Who appears a little too good for religion? And I heard that he had been touched,from the LISS he attended in July. In which I also attended as a prayer warrior, and distinctly remember praying for him till he fell onto the ground! ok i cant remember exactly now whether i had opened my mouth for this one, whether i had prayed out loud. But he thanked me after that and said his defences were broken down and he felt something for once, and he was healed of his back pain. It was also an experience for me as I have never felt the spirit so strongly and real before. I would never forget that, even if sometimes I wonder whether that was really from God. But He had made his ripples of effects through us, his sowers, Mark actu went on to become CSS pres after that incident! That reminded me that He is real and alive, always will be. And we just got to trust Him in that, no matter what. The next morning, I woke up far too tired from the late nights and emotional traumas that I thought I would die if I made my way to office. So I did not, I took this chance to sleep in and recuperate, and to visit the doc for my eye infection. It was a mighty good rest and a piece of Heaven, I happily went ktv with Al and Crys ;). Was such fun blasting it out and just being me again. Me as myself, not needing to prove who I am or can be, not having to be depressed and frustrated over having to prove against worthlessness or hopelessness of a situation. Today at work, it was fine and I managed to get things done. Maybe one of the recipe items for happiness is that ... she is on leave? Sigh. That cannot be without that earnest prayer in the morning for a real change, for greater confidence and communication skills, to not feel like im kowtowing to people all the time. For pride and happiness. For delight that at the end of the day, luck has been good and things are in fact working out, business is good. Hard work has paid off. We have reached a milestone and are ready to launch full force. I only hope I can support it. That also cannot be without the prayers of friends dear to me, who have been my pillars in complete darkness and hopelessness. Thank you and please continue to pray for me, at the same time I do keep you in prayers. It is, in fact, a season for giving and loving, and there was a general joyous and light atmosphere in the office today. "Everyone's so happy!" Ek commented. Indeed...... enjoy the festive break and have a warm Xmas! ;) 2 comments|post comment

making sense out of the senseless [08 Dec 2006|09:25pm] Sometimes, I wonder how long I could take this. I try not to think about it, but I have to. It has also been ironic that the person you want most to impress, to click with, is the one you are absolutely unable to communicate with. Communication breakdown occurs daily, so do public humiliations. And I am bad, I deserve it. I deserve for things to be told straight in the face to wake up, to be able to do follow-up actions that can salvage situations. Perhaps this is the mode of working, this is the life I would lead. They are smart, I am the stupid one who is gong, and people talk down to and shortchange me. Things are not, they need not be as bad as it is claimed to be. HL is a nice and appreciative guy, PT is still loyal and on the ball, P is moving so fast he is an asset and hard to keep if you are a step behind him even if he is kind and appreciative. AK is a gentleman with a sweet tongue and quite caring too, but he is too smart and difficult to deal with. YPH is so difficult to control he is a derrick no. 2, but at least he still listens to me sometimes and we have communicated at lengths (but he misunderstands things which I am still finding opportunities to clarify). EL is the worst, arrogant, rude and untrustworthy. He dared to tell me "watch what you write. this is not for you to comment. I am not amused!" In which I explained my stand clearly and said "This was said out of good intention, not meant to amuse. You could watch what you write for that part too." Ok, so I was pissed. Right, that might backfire on me. Im to lose at the end of the day. Things are not that bad, working with these group of high-ranking men. YPH dares to tell me "You still do not realise who I am, I am a commander. Sometimes i am abit annoyed cos I like to do things my own way, I give instructions, not the other way round." Does she understand all the pain I go through? No. She says, "I attach you to them to manage them, not for them to manage you, or else why do you think I need you for?". "You have only 6 of them to manage, if you cant manage them, you cant do anything." "Are you not ashamed? 1.5 years into the role, worse than young fresh grads." "Notice that I dare not give you much supervisory duties." "You don't even know how to conduct yourself." "Talking to you, I can vomit blood." Of course I know she just attended the management meeting with those newbies, and I am pissed to be left out. Increasingly, I am left on the bench. They have a chance to show themselves. And anyone, anyone in the world is better than me. Anyone is better than someone who speaks in a soft, uncertain tone, who screws things up due to bad time management, who does not project positivity and confidence and spark. I am who I am and I have my own strengths. EK:"I really admire the presentation slides/speeches and your writing skills. you are really good at those." Perhaps there was once there used to be sparks, perhaps I am better now than before. But the light is diminishing, dying day by day. In hardly any feasible way can someone seeing things in this way, in such circumstances, shine brightly. See things positively and synergise, think of bright ideas and strive for them. It would be a miracle one does not wither off. Why did He put me here? Yet, it is a miracle I continued, that she gave me this chance. I am still trying to make things work out the way He meant it to. In no other place and situation have I seen more of His works than in this. 4 comments|post comment

[30 Nov 2006|12:39am] Re-reading my past couple or three entries has made it even more apparent what my real issue may be. No one can read between those lines better than myself. There is no running away from it anymore. Yet, things to do with the head can possibly be solved. The heart is tricky business. Feelings are dangerous. Yet, to be afraid of what you feel, is to be afraid of who you are. And when you are afraid of who you are, that's when the onslaught of various symptoms will take place, and you will wonder why things go wrong, why you cant express yourself the way you wish to, or you are hiding something. It has been like this all this while. 5 comments|post comment

hope in darkness [29 Oct 2006|10:40pm] It is a warm and humid night, and tomorrow is another day and week of fire-fighting. A wise person will consider whether after all that has happened, there would be many more other days and weeks. It is a scary thought, something one wouldn't want to think about, but is what a wise person has to confront eventually. After all the trials, morale-shattering, bone-breaking, spirit-dampening, heart-saddening periods, we have to think about what there is to learn from all these. Surely, it was not His intention to put you there to burn in the fire and cry out in the darkness asking if you could survive it all. Just like The Crucible, every thought and feeling you had is moulding you to be closer to His image. There is a need to have wisdom and a bird's eye view of things, to wisely consider what the situation is and what can be done. I would like to be where there are challenges to rise up to, where I would be able to see myself doing things I have not done before. I need to feel proud of myself and what I have done and can do. If you can't even look at your own life situation/circumstance and make wise jusgements and decisions, what more for tricky work situations? If you, your mind and heart are in a mess, how can work not be? Where are the passion and motivation to excel? How could I drag my feet to another day of dread, of rotting? Or am I like that cos someone is not there? Or how, how could I want to run to someone all the time regardless of appropriateness? How much do these factor into my current circumstance and how could I know? Why cant there be more certainty, greater hope and joy? Because I am me, I have to proclaim that this is what I want to be and from here I grow. Someone has been kind, yet cruel, I can't tell. Why should I be meek and timid? A TV programme I watched a few days ago had a psychologist saying that the probable victim of molest is someone who looks timid, easily bullied, obedient, and as if others have a hold on their ugly secrets. I think that describes me and that is so not what I want my image to be. I am in fact NOT a victim of molest, I have often visualised in my mind a situation of beating the daylights out of any guy who attempts to insult me. Contradicting, isnt it? I am not, often not who I might appear to most to be like. No wonder I hate it when people judge others by appearances, yet, how else can these people judge? I do not think that Novena or any place is where I should run to for solace in every situation of desperation. Yet, where else can I run to? Where else can I go to find You, Lord? You said to me, it is not all in vain, you know how much you have grown, you know how many times and how certain it is that I reveal miracles to you. You know that you just have to trust me. You showed me how my life has been crippled by my lack of action, my procrastination, my lack of confidence, my invisibility, my lack of contribution. You showed me how this is what I need to overcome to grow into the person I truly am, to become your instrument to the world, to live my life to the fullest. It is very painful and I do not know how I can do it by myself. When I am confused, when I am in darkness, You showed me how there have been many lamps and sign posts in my life, telling me truths I sometimes wish not to hear. I am angry Lord, that You should test me thus, You should put me in such a miserable state, that You made me who I am having to struggle with such issues since childhood. Yet You have given me so much, I cannot possibly not be thankful for all your blessings. I look at my baby photo observing my older brother's facial reaction and not enjoying my spotlight moment even when everyone was singing at my 1st birthday, and I think that is what I have always been. Pensive, reflecting and hiding. Yet empathetic and intuitive. Who am I, what are my strengths and where do You want me to go from here? You say if there is a will there is a way. There is no uncertainty in You and You are very clear. There is no confusion because the only way to go is to grow to be like You. But in my lack of trust, in my fears, Lord, deliver me. Please. Please. When I do not know where or how to find my way. Tomorrow, it will be another day and week, and it will not be in vain. It will be a week of hope, of trusting in Him and testifying His love. It will be a week of faith, hope and charity, a week of love. It will be a week just the way He wants it to be. It will be a week of staying close to Him. Good luck to my bro taking A levels, may the angels guide and guard him. And to everyone else whom I love. 2 comments|post comment

[29 Oct 2006|10:06pm] What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To? Your soul is bound to the Rose Petals: The Wronged."'ve come undone and all hopes of mending me are gone because the pain took my soul. Can't you see? The only one who can put me back together again is me."The Rose Petals are associated with sorrow, reflection, and wisdom. They are governed by the goddess Persephone and their sign is The Teardrop, or Broken Love.As a Rose Petal, you are always self-reflective and may be hard on yourself. You probably have been hurt in the past by other people and can sometimes distance yourself, as a result. You don't usually let other get too close to you, but you are very good at mending your spirits back together by yourself. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code post comment

season of change [27 Sep 2006|08:42am] Draw me close to You Never let me go I lay it all down again To hear You say that I’m Your friend You are my desire No one else will do ’Cause nothing else could ever take Your place To feel the warmth of Your embrace Help me find the way Bring me back to You You’re all I want You’re all I’ve ever needed You’re all I want Help me know You are near (Song that came to me in the early morning prayer) 4 comments|post comment

of... hk trip & others [16 Sep 2006|03:51pm] You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 81% Idealist 69% Romanticist 56% Existentialist 56% Postmodernist 50% Modernist 31% Materialist 31% Fundamentalist 31% What is Your World View? created with QuizFarm.com (results are pretty me) And I miss Hong Kong. Miss being with the people, interesting and inspiring bunch. Audrey is a xtian and she's passionate abt serving and taking care of pple in her job, and has gotten her Masters. She sky-dived to find out the safety needs of the sky divers, that's partly how she became a STAR award winner and got sent on this trip. Isnt it great to feel passionate about one's role? But she's moving on to be a polytechnic lecturer. Angie is one yr younger than me and she's quite cute. Behaves like an adult but soon became the kid she is in the last few days when we were shopping in ladies street. Shes independant and has a mind of her own, and very meticulous in the way she takes notes and does her tasks, and socially aware and serves others. Matthew is the charmer/gd looker with a big heart, and has such a smooth tongue he can get along with any kind of person in the world. And he has the gift of self confidence and eloquence. Y are some pple just born with it? But the poor guy is a tad feeble and has funny physical ailments like bleeding and fainting one may not expect of someone tall and well-built. PBK is the most meticulous and detailed person i have ever met in my life, she has worked 20 years in our organisation and is still pretty with a clear, smooth face. Shes soft spoken and not pushy at all, n extremely risk averse (traits of someone who processes payments?) But she has made a mark in her career, so who says only one kinda mould can make it big? I thought it was a immense blessing to be able to be on a overseas study mission to learn on my pet topic, instead of just being there for leisure. We had lotsa leisure too but it was kinda deja vu for me as I brought them to those spots i went to just 3 months ago. AND I PAID $60 to go into Disneyland even when I knew there wasnt that much in it cos I lost the complimentary ticket!! and it was a big commotion and apparently, was that why they said I 'turned HK upside down". Oh well. It was amazing how things could just disappear in my first 2 days there, I think the opening of my bag is too big. But whoever heard of going on an official, all-paid-for HK trip to 'experience service excellence'? I never came into this job expecting to be able to go abroad, cos they said prob not during the interview. So, well, things come in unexpected ways. No wonder I like this area of work. Ppl said Im v refreshed when I came back... and oso obviously some young ones were whining that they wanna go too etc.. But that state lasted just one day and then........ there I was.... back to struggling again. Tues' site tour was good, Friday's 2 presentations/meetings I held were good. :) Thank God. Im becoming a natural at giving presentations, but then anyway that was my pet topic and my own gilac slides. The site tour was far beyond my expectations...... the hosting org didnt let me down.. (besides totally missing out our co. name in the welcome msg. what is this..!?) But i just hit the wrong notes all the time and it's tiring......... tiring trying hard to guess what is required and always missing it..... tired trying to please, trying to do my best in my tasks, but just not doing it right in the eyes of someone whose opinion makes all the difference. Im tired. I had a nightmare on Wed night. It was someone's boss, that means, my bigger boss. He said in his usual polite, gentle way, do I want to consider working elsewhere. I said oh.. not really, what's wrong. Then all that i had ever not done right starting surfacing and he became no longer the great, excellent boss i hv always been thankful for having, in his utmost frustration he said, so u know what i have heard from her? She said this this and this. And thus, no, im sorry. I woke up, and the world was still the same. The boss is still the big, kind one who believes in me. They say spots at the upper bridge of ur nose means u r under mental pressure, and I notice I have such spots. I need a new miracle. Yet I know that I am growing up through all these. There are things I would never know and would not change should I not have been here. I faced things I never wanted to. I dont exactly enjoy working with people as I struggle to find the balance between being nice and having things done effectively and efficiently. I have to make myself become someone who facilitates and leads, and not just happily be led all the time. It is only when you lead can you make the difference in the world. I dont think we can stay who we are or who we are more comfy in being. There's a need to strike a balance and make wise judgements abt what are the things you need to and what not to change. And change is itself always an uphill task.. u can do it only with faith, determination, perserverance, and pple who believe in you. I do not know who believes in me, prob not many. Prob not as many as ppl who believe i shd change. I have always lived thinking I am not good enough and need to change some things, it frustrates me when pple merely tell me yah they think the same. that is so much of a morale booster. But maybe... love is when pple want u to change cos they want u to be better for ur own good... and they believe u can and will help u to. Where can u find such pple anyway? Even if there are pple around, do it... by urself. post comment

[05 Aug 2006|03:58pm] You scored as Inwood. Inwood is located on the northern tip of Manhattan. Inwood extends from 200th St (Dyckman St) to 220th Street. It is banked on all three sides by huge wild parks. Thanks for taking my test! -Susan Inwood 83% Harlem 67% SoHo/ TriBeCa 67% Alphabet City 61% Upper West Side/ Morningside Heights 61% Upper East Side 56% Washington Heights 55% Stuyvesant Town 55% China Town 55% El Barrio 50% Chelsea 50% Hell�s Kitchen/ Theatre District 45% Kips Bay 39% Financial District/Battery Park 33% Which neighborhood in Manhattan is best for you? created with QuizFarm.com Q crappy. Dunno if it's true 5 comments|post comment

[30 Jul 2006|03:33am] Marathon on-line. Always check all blogs and emails on Saturday, but didn't have the time to this afternoon, hence I am still here now. Shucks, this place is infested by mosquitos, I keep getting bitten. D*mn them!!!!! Mosquitos should be extinct!! And my dad should really clear that stagnant pool of water in the fountain, have no idea whatsoever why he's not doing that. Commitment & Responsibilities I have decided that I should be committed and fully participate in whatever Im doing. Currently, it's quite terrible, I reached my hakka youth meeting when it had ended, and after that rushed to LISS when that had also ended. Yet, is there a point in feeling sorry and regretful? Is it really my fault? I am tired after a week of working very very late, and am merely catching up on sleep. Dont I have a right to live my precious weekend the way I want to? I miss personal, intimate talks in a small group (2-3) with frens who really matter to me, and am tired of huge communities when there's nothing much to talk about when we sit down together at dinner. mm. Or are these excuses? I must say I am thankful for all those privileged things... wakeboarding, free overseas trips, esp the malacca trip when we explored the inside-outs of the entire town area in a very fun competition similar to amazing race. I should contribute back to the club. And of course, LISS has provided a community that has changed many of our lives and drew us closer to Him. Yet, honestly, I have to drag myself to the prayer meetings every Sat afternoon ... partly, I thought, cos of the lack of intimate personal r/ses, and I generally dislike routine. Anyhow, I have decided that I would join selectively and when I do, I shall not go half-heartedly or be there half the time, but fully. On Death Went to Mag's granddad's wake just now. It was quite fun sitting around at the table and chit chatting. The snacks provided 'exceeded expectations', with prawn crystal dumplings, nice crispy and warm popiahs, and warm ginko nut and barley dessert. Interesting to learn that in Mauritius, the beaches are beautiful and water is soo clear there is no difference looking at your hand in air and in water. Wow. Fellow travellers out there, dream destination.. :) Made a new fren from NTU engin too. I thought that maybe that is how wakes should be like, would want it to be a happy place and event where people enjoy one another's company and be merry. We prayed for him fervently... and my heart goes out to this person, whom I had also prayed for when I led my cg's closing prayer last week. He didn't make it through... but im sure there was some form of peaceful closure and completion. Pray the family's coping well! As I was looking at him, a thought just came to mind and I wondered how he would feel he had lived his life now that it has come to an end. What kind of man was he? How would others think of him? Does remind that life is short and there's no need to worry too much, and whatever we think we should be doing, start doing now. Do things that would make you feel proud of yourself at the end of the road. Yeh, just remembered also Jia sharing yesterday about E thinking about what's impt in life, at the passing of her grandma. Even though concerned, I had almost dismissively said she thinks abt life all the time anyway. Then, I knew what that was like. And also thought it slightly ironic that I could in no way share with the latter her melancholic state. Well, i trust she'll be alright. Gem of a Friend After an enjoyable two day strategy-planning course when I had time to shop with colleague.. hehe (long time no shop, burnt $150 thus far!), met Jia for dinner on Friday. I have been wanting to meet up for a long time, and wanted to be there for her in her low period. Gotta see for myself her state! :P And also, some r/ses are to be treasured and we have really been apart for too long. Was nice catching up, re-connecting and talking and sharing about everything that is of meaning to us, from work to r/ses to Christianity. Like the familiarity, openness and care, so it's not like talking to an alien cos many things are understood, and can be very frank. Sharing my views and thoughts aloud also made me more self-aware of how I feel abt my current situation. I have no idea why she shd know things like im a perfectionist cos she prob never saw me working on things? It was nice and like coming home, and for once in quite some time, my mind's not half preoccupied with work issues and stress this weekend. Nice to take a break! Glad to know where she is in life now, and will keep her in prayers for her transition stage. Meet up w u again soon! :) 4 comments|post comment

of weekend escapes from slogging-at-work life [10 Jul 2006|12:54am] A rare update here... urghs im many posts behind. I do want to share about my Desaru trip, which was a relaxing time and I enjoyed getting in touch with the laid-back Malay culture, the xiong HK trip, tho I enjoyed navigating my way around and getting familiar with the crowded place, n liked our little hotel room, and Malacca, when we had such fun doing the dumbest and most cheena things in the world, like doing corny mass dances swinging our legs left and right and waving our arms in the air, and singing cheena songs about propogating the Hakka culture and how strong Hakka men and pretty Hakka women are. It was dumb and I being the elitist thought only we 6 Sporeans thought so, but in fact, all the 60 + Msians are now trendy and forward looking and felt the same. Yet, at the end of 4 days, we had bonded and enjoyed these dumb acts so much, precisely cos they are dumb and we wouldnt do them anywhere or with anyone else in the world, and the games were so excellently planned that I had learnt quite alot about myself and my leadership style or lack of. Plus I really enjoyed the companionship of some of them. It was a lovely ride in the MPV from Spore to Malacca, and although I went thinking that there was no way I would wanna get together with any of the Msian guys, I have come back thinking differently. In fact, I like their simple and frenly nature better than the arrogant Sporean's, and had fun chit chatting with them till late at night. Or maybe it was because only with them did I not feel any sense of inferiority, for my Sporean crowd was made up of a doctor-to-be, a millionaire 3-pawn-shop owner, a dentist-to-be, a chio bu accountant, and a handsome business student. Mmm. Now what am I gonna share on today? I like rambling on and confusing my readers. :P Many things have been going on in my life, or maybe too little, that small things have become amplified to fill in the spaces. Let us not go into those endless dark pits or go round in circles, but sharing those things here before have also helped me better understand myself. Life has been truly good, yet it is so good that I worry that it is not built on a strong foundation. Upon the thought of some things, it might all just crumble. Such is the kinda fear I live with. (side track.. today is world cup finals! :) Stocked up on titbits to snack out in front of the tv with bro/s later. Urghs my dad is irritating me again keep calling me in a mushy way 'nu-er, nu-er... papa zuo gong heng xin ku leh. papa yao shui jiao liao, wan an. nu-er, nu-er '. it truly gets on my nerves. Who has heard of a dad who needs attention and care tt much? What happened to our ideals of a strong, independant father with high moral standards who makes u feel secure and safe? I think this neediness runs in the family line and is apparently not my fault. Yet, im grown now and will have to decide for myself the way I wanna live. Aiyo, i better make sure i dont go to work later with panda eyes and a zonked out mind. I wont put myself in such a helpless situation... we must be responsible n in control! I went for a really amazing retreat over the weekend, which is I had intended to share on in this post. I went initially in a sian mood, with my many insecurities and lack of faith. Yet, it was really great, the ppl I have met and spoken to, the pain and emptiness I could feel which I would pray for. The way the spirit felt so strong and present in our midst when we the organising group prayed for us to be used as His instruments. Truly, completely unprepared, uncleansed and guilt-ridden as I was at that point of time, I understood then that it was not about me. I skipped the Pri Sch gathering I was looking forward to on Sat night, and the Hakka youth orientation over the weekend, not cos of anything else but that He needed my help to reach out to His hurting pple this weekend. And I would be fully equiped to do so, not for my glory but for His. The moment I feel jealous of others' powers and gifts, or proud about my own, or wanting to show off mine, would be the Devil trying to deceit me and draw me away from being used. And I say these cos the strife to prove myself constantly stems from a deep rooted sense of insecurity and I know the lack of confidence is apparent, which is precisely the source of my probs. I need not prove myself nor please anybody and the one who judges my actions and what I have accomplished at the end of the say is only Him, and I need only to live a life to please Him. This LISS is different from the first I went to last year at this time, when I was completely vulnerable, hurting and filled with self-pity and hopelessless. This time round, I came reasonably happy, but still the same in that I am terrified of leaving my life to Him. Gosh, what would he so? Make me so moralistic that I cannot survive in the secular work place? Yet, I know that all achievements, if anything much, I have had thus far are His fruits, and all improvements I need in personal life and at work can only come from Him. Slowly, I had opened up and surrendered my life to Him. Let Him do in me what pleases Him. I had the task of praying over others for healing and receiving of gifts, particularly gift of tongues. And it was a big responsibility esp since the participants had such immense expectations of experiencing something that they have not had before. Could I live up to tHat? Yet, my fellow prayer warriors and I watched how He worked through us. It was truly amazing watching how others surrender their lives to Him, become healed through your praying, receive their gifts of tongues, falling to rest. And how such an immeasurable amount of selfless love could flow towards the person, an amount u know u are not capable of having on ur own. Just like the participants, I too have never felt Him in such a tangible way before. And I got my own gift of tongues. (hey how hypocritical it would be to wish for others what u dont want for urself). And I wanted to help His pple again and again, it was such joy. To bring pple closer to Him. Such joy we felt singing and prasing after that, knowing that the joy came from deep within knowing that He is real, and we need not fear nor be anxious again. May all glory be to Him, all our thoughts, deeds and words. Every morning, I will ask to do what pleases Him for the day, and that alone will suffice. 5 comments|post comment

random thoughts (again) [19 Jun 2006|03:37am] The Emotional IQ Test How People-Smart Are You? Janelle, your Emotional IQ is 115. This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Tickle's Emotional IQ test. But your Emotional IQ score is much more than just a number: it's an indicator of success. Research has shown that people with high emotional intelligence scores — not necessarily those with the highest IQ scores — tend to be the most valued and productive employees and have the longest and happiest romantic relationships. So, where are you most emotionally smart? Your test results show that your strongest suit is empathy — your ability to see things from someone else's point of view. the easiest thing to put on my blog. Didn't get around to updating my blog, nor commenting on frens' this free weekend. But I counted that in this 'free' weekend, I had only 5 hours of spare time at home which I had spent unhurriedly surfing around as if time would never end. Like such moments. Maybe there's a reason why I have held back with comments or posts. Maybe Im too preachy? Maybe my posts would be too draggy and disorganised? Maybe I dont write as well as some others? Maybe I have nothing much to say? Maybe most of what I wanted to say, I had said to best fren over supper on Saturday till 2 am and realised that some things I had initially wanted to emphasise in my blog are not really the most important to me? Anyway. What is? With reference to someone's blog, there isn't really a snuggly cat in life now. Love is a strange thing, I had learnt from somewhere that real love is when two people who dont need each other for survival choose to be with each other. Dependance is not a trait of self-less love. Yet, how is it humanly possible to not become dependant on someone you had loved and shown your most tender and vulnerable side to? I guess it is possible, though not easy. It is damn hard. Anyhow, sometimes it feels as though I have gotta keep emotions in check just in case I wouldnt be able to handle them should I allow them to flow freely. I mean, if you really wanna vent and say what you truly feel, which might not seem constructive, who can you do it to? Anyway... yawnz. this is a crazy hour to be up, really. Will type something more logical sounding later. I have much to say, just need to organise the thoughts. Bossie will be away next week having dental surgery. I will send her a get well card. Mmm. It is incredible how difficult it was to wish her all the best for the surgery at the end of the day, and something else ridiculous and work-related came out instead. O well. Anyway it's been great working together and im thankful for the times, esp when we shared non work related things. My best fren at work LS will be leaving soon. Sigh. Was so so sad last Friday. (to the extend that I made a new fren. haha. CC will know. Mr captain.) But I guess it is a good move for her, so im happy.. :) She must be the best work buddy one can wish to have... non-competitive, kind, nice, helpful, empathetic, supportive, shy. She just wants to be happy and is quite silly. Good worker though. Will miss the times shopping and dining together. Hope she will pursue becoming a Christian. Just like someone, I love these people. Work has been quite enjoyable lately, and His graces have been abundant. Many a time I had prayed for obstacles to be overcome, and they were ovecsome in miraculous and unexpected ways during the course of the days. Hope I continue to grow in it, learn to enjoy it from the heart (not just head), manage it well, see things from all angles. Yet at the same time, not become obssessed with it, but pursue other passions as well. That would be most healthy. Work shouldnt be a means of escape from emptiness. I am honestly fearful of resting and finding that nothing really motivates and gives me a sense of purpose outside work. Who I have always been, the non-assertive, insecure one led, and as one had also put it, taken care of by others, is not who I like to be. Yet, Im more daring to change at work (cos i dont have a choice) than in personal life. And that persona in personal life gives me a sense of failure. Too hard on myself? A new week lies ahead and I gotta pia again. Eeps. Luckily interest keeps me going. Need His new mercies and graces. May He be with you and me always! :) For the someone, my prayers are with you and you gotta be strong and look ahead le.. call me out for dinner anytime! :P 6 comments|post comment

[27 May 2006|02:54pm] That is my piggy. Gonna write on my adventures in HK, n desaru, soon! 9 comments|post comment

[22 Apr 2006|01:28pm] You Are a Boston Creme Donut You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. What Donut Are You? Mm, yah, I cant believe I have liked eating the same macoroni soup at church since I was 11. It's so yummy! With the chicken bits and crunchy fried bread cubes that are not too soggy or oily. Plus lotsa pepper and red chilli. Hot! Have tried adopting a tough exterior at work but not sure it's working that great. Guess it is better to just be oneself, never goes too wrong. Maybe it is the opp, im a pushover on the front, but have my opinions and am adamant abt some views deep within? Some things cant be changed, esp in the religous context. Guess im not bold enough to make changes rapidly. But at the same time, i never like doing things the same way as the person who has done it before, which is so boring! Your Birthdate: January 19 You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested. You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them. Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others. You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself. Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence Your weakness: Suspicion of others Your power color: Eggplant Your power symbol: Spade Your power month: October What Does Your Birth Date Mean? Half true. 2 comments|post comment

[14 Apr 2006|06:55pm] err... any truth? I like the giving kinda embraces! :P There, there, Ive updated. What's life like nowadays anyway? Who bothers? Maybe Im like the crystal waterdroplets on a window pane as one had described, and could disappear inconspicuously without causing much of a commotion. Eeps.. that doesnt sound too good. But these days, there's just struggling to improve EQ at work. I had said that I hate 'dealing' with people... but this requires alot of that, and ive kinda improved over time i hope. Forever trying to balance between keeping a 'friend' (to make life easier for myself and in case there are any goodies to get outta the person?), and getting my way. Being unsure, guilty, etc. Mmm... sneaking around trying to steal goodies from the person just so that i can pass them over to some others. Cautious about giving tooooo much and becoming a fool. What a complete waste of time and emotional energy, these things. Boss said to channel the energy towards the right, big things. Im glad to have such a boss and partner, and some others in the office. It is q a blessing, and i hope that being stronger in faith, i can influence them to grow. Into lovelier, more fulfilled people! Partner L is the happy-go-lucky, doesnt think nor strategise too much kind. Simple, and believes in love. Said that if she could have a gift, she wants the gift of healing. So ...giving. Went out with C on Wed for a play. Haven't watched a play for such a long time! It is good to reconnect with one's emotions, and enjoy the arty farty, witty stuff. I like them. But the jokes became a little repetitive and predictable in the middle and my mind excused itself for a while, and that's it. It went far and away and I fell asleep before I knew it. Quite a pity cos the show's not bad and quite a good laugh. I especially liked the way they portrayed the hypocrisy in the way the Japs socialise. It seems quite accurate. I also liked the way they poke fun at 'customs', how playing a flute and the guitar thingy is a way of cat-calling/flirting. Good to contradict the boring conventions. What are rules and regulations? How things should be done? Nowadays I am so much a civil servant I have become inflexible and a lover of rules. Rules exist for a reason and they must be strictly adhered to. How boring I had become! What happened to the one who liked freedom in thinking and speech, and believed in being true to oneself at all times. To whom rules are to be broken if they exist only to make people behave orderly and for no other good reason. But maybe the relatively nua civil servant still behaves like workplace is a pasar malam rather than something solid, structured and foolproof. Must overcome my fears and charge, procrastination kills and makes me feel so bad. So much stuff to clear which i would love to do but cannot find time to get down to. Pray He helps me to quit procrastination. But I digressed. It felt good meeting up with a friend, and being free to do anything. For, isnt that what our outings always feel like? :P See, Im conscious of my readers. Went to Ms Clarity Cafe again, and I love the style. That pinky, girly figure is very me. Casual, bright, cute, girly, colorful, cheap (food), playful. That's one side of me prob most do not see. If I had a car, like what C had written before, I would like those rugged looking ones you can travel across the countryside in, or that car I saw just now, a whitish, medium-sized sports car with something purple across it. Funky, stylish. Am not the classic, sophisticated, image-conscious, one-color kind. Maybe you can say no taste? But not, hrmph! The food as usual was great, love the potato wedges. Bring you all there next time ok? M discovered the place while strolling along. But I remembered the taste of the mango sorbet and soup quite well cos I had eaten it just two days before that. I know M went back with her bf the day after our meeting also. :P Some people, are lucky to have met the beaus who seem to be the One. One they stay with for the longest time, one who seems to know them even as they crack up together ever so often. It would not be laughing together in a superficial way. The priest at the Poly camp struck me deep when he said that I must want it first, only then could I believe in its possiblity. He said Im too negative in thinking. Why is it so much easier to believe in others, esp those you love, than in yourself? Cos you yourself know best how fallible you are. How you struggle, as Lois said, against disbelief and fear. How there are moments you feel abandoned and hopeless. Where is He then? How could He make Mother Teresa go through such moments of anguish and emptiness? She was so pious and giving. Must we beg for His mercy and peace, if it's unconditional? Anyway, C mentioned that NS thinks i 'have a kind heart', and am nice. That's quite affirming to hear cos I never thought anyone could observe nor think so. I didn't even know I was. But I guess it is true that I have no heart to physically cause harm to anyone. But I am not always so pure in thinking of others. :/. I had a quarrel with Cs over the past 2 weeks and I complained that she always seems to have complaints about me, and only me. We had since patched up after I expressed for once how much I actually care, and the frenship's better/closer than before. :) For, isnt it real tough to hide your feelings for others, and live being misunderstood? Ok, that is enough. Today, at Gd Friday service with my lovely mom, I experienced for the first year the pain He went through, the folly of the people, the irony. I hope I may be able to grow in faith. I hoped for something I had not hoped for before. In accordance with the poly camp priest's words. ;) Pain is a .... torturous thing. Hope we find love in all such moments, esp for those grieving a loss. May we never lose hope, and know that, as the priest today said, it is not suffering itself but love, even amidst suffering, that draws us closer to Him. post comment

Define my personality? My foot! [18 Feb 2006|02:32pm] Try this, dear pple? Found myself trying to differentiate between what others might probably see me as and who I think I truly am, and since these are more or less all positive traits... being "modest" (perhaps), it's hard to be honest? ;P There u go... tell me the hard truth.. Do this... http://kevan.org/johari?name=janaie before reading the results at... http://kevan.org/johari?view=janaie No cheating, else it wouldnt work.. ! 2 comments|post comment

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