Blurty for Drowning in your awes.

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Sunday, June 6th, 2004

Subject:Atleast till you come over
Time:11:33 am.
Mood: happy.
Music:Teh format.
These anonymous comments are quite amusing, ey? I hate disabling them because I love the hateful attention but this time it's gotton a little annoying. For me, it's being captured by my conscience to mentally prepare for summer and for school years to come. I'm starting to really like myself. My personality is to be something I would flaunt. I was proud of who I was.Lets just say.I don't need to make any changes with myself.
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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004

Subject:i found who i am
Time:10:29 am.
Mood: happy.
Music:blink182.
My life is finally falling into place. The drama is gone, the tears are drying and im picking myself up off the ground. Slowly but surely.I feel alot better from all that damn drama that has been happening for the last week i finally feel like i know who i am As much as I crave and yearn for the internet, it's weirdly liberating being free from it. I find more to do during my days and I actually don't mind leaving the house...
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Tuesday, June 1st, 2004

Subject:Why does it have to be this way?
Time:9:36 am.
Mood: lonely.
Music:Saves the day.
Just because things could be worse doesn't mean they aren't already unbearable...
I have never felt so helpless. I have never felt so not in control of my life. This wins them all. Wins all the times when I felt like I had zero control of anything in my entire existence. This bites the big one. The sad thing is that my Dad saw me falling apart. He saw me crumble right before his eyes and he didn't budge. I threw blankets and ripped up papers while collapsing on the floor in a mess of paper, tears. Pure, raw emotion right there, people. Thats love. That episode defined love in my mind...
I usually love discussing my problems but for some reason talking about this kills me ; im out...It just seems like..people lie to me all the time and people are afraid to be around when they shouldent what the hell is wrong with me?
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Monday, May 31st, 2004

Subject:Ill tip my hat to people who dont belive its me
Time:12:25 am.
Mood: uncomfortable.
Music:Saves the day.
I've been thinking lately; I don't really like the person I am becoming. When I was younger, people had this invision of me. so Im stuck up and into myself. Yeah, ok. That's expected. People eat people. Society is the cause of insecurities, depression and tears. It can be a horrible thing. But lately, I feel like I am the person everyone thinks I am. Im opinionated, hypocritical and I can be rude. I speak my mind and im honest. That intimidates some people, it intrigues some people. Either way, I couldn't care less. I try to stay true to myself. Im close to obtaining happines; yet, it's amazing how far I am as well. That's why I keep listening to this CKY song on repeat. I thought that the summer would give me freedom somehow it did and some how it didn't. For me, freedom is bliss. But material possessions are nothing. As long as I have myself and I stay pure and true, I can be happy. I don't really have myself anymore, though. I mean seriously; look at my night I had Friday. It was disgusting. I allow my cravings for a good time get in the way of staying true to myself. It's sick and pathetic. Im ashamed. Im letting my potential happiness slip away even more than it was. I saw a Zoloft commerical today and I realized that all of the symptoms related to me. It always saddens me to realize that. WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?..This really wasnt the way i wanted these things to turn out sometimes i just dont want to talk to people and they cant understand that...Perri i am writing my book!..thats the only complement i have had in over a year thats how pathetic my life has been.
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Saturday, May 29th, 2004

Subject:It's time i wrote a song about you
Time:6:41 am.
Mood: calm.
Music:Blink 182.
The past couple days have been a few smiles short of bliss. Okay, more than a few. My heart is breaking. That's the only thing im certain of. It's a little strange; now that I think about it my heart hasn't been broken in a long time. My self esteem is improving, I have a healthy, defined relationship, and I feel like I finally have a tight grasp on who I am. Granted, I have been spending the past three years trying to figure out who the hell I am. Yet, just because a person knows who they are doesn't mean they are okay with who they are. I feel like my ill faded feelings aren't a good enough reason to completely alter my persona, though. I yearn to be accepted. Not only by myself but by other people. You would think being accepted by other people would be my main priority. Eh, sometimes. I've always promised myself that I didn't need other people to be happy. Loneliness doesn't particularly interest me and as long as I have myself, my morals, my beliefs and my opinions; IM FINE. Well, not neccessarily. I have concluded that there are some relationships in my life that I need. Without them, I don't exist. A couple have been abolished, one is fading fast and the other ones are actually gaining momentum. It's sad though; the ones that have been abolished and the one that is fading fast is throwing my emotional equilibriam way off. IT BREAKS MY HEART;

Im sick of hurting people. Im sick of being percieved wrong. Im sick of not being able to establish relationships. But most of all, im sick of looking past the few people that actually do care in order to mend things with the people who don't care enough and perhaps never will. I musn't focus on the negative energy certain people give me. It makes me sick to my stomach especially now that things haven't been spiraling out of control in every shape, size, and form.
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Friday, May 28th, 2004

Subject:So why are you pulling away?
Time:12:05 am.
Mood: anxious.
Music:george strait.
Things have been...blah. Im in a downward spiral and I fear there is no reviving from this one.

It's not only the things that have been going on around me, it's my attitude. It's how I react to everything. I become hysterical over the slightest mishap in my life. I haven't been a victim of repressed anger for God knows how long; but it's all slowly coming back to haunt me. My emotions stopped getting the best of me for awhile and now I feel like im the fragile young boy I was 5 years ago. Cold, distant, sensitive and troubled as ever. I lash out at the people I care about over subtle statements that shouldn't phase me. I think this has been the worst week of my life. Kelly said she would never like me ever again..it hurt..but ill get over it...she just wasnt the one i was looking for..
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Thursday, May 27th, 2004

Subject:Maybe it wasnt good enough but i gave you all i had!
Time:10:20 am.
Music:Pink floyd.
Today has been the most tiresome, unproductive, pathetic day of my life. Im slowly finding the computer become my best friend again; as sad as it sounds...
I despise boredem. All it does is give me a chance to swim in my sorrows, metaphorically speaking. I hate it. I find myself with my head against the desk and some sad song of disaster playing loudly through my speakers. This is all day, my friends. All day. I dwell on things that I just don't want to be dwelling on.
With this situation, i've found that time isn't healing anything. All it's doing is making the denial fade away and the reality become quite visible. A little too visible, if you ask me. If this is for the best than why the fuck is it killing me? No, not killing; more like brutally murdering me. If our friendship was so incredibly shitty than why do I miss so much? These questions are repeating over and over in my head. I can't answer them myself, I need help. But, thats the problem with human nature. We're so focused on keeping our guard up and appearing strong and oh-so-apathetic that we forget whats really important. Kind of like I have. What is really important, anyways? It becomes so vague after you've been putting on an act for so long. I can't blame a dimishing or non existant friendship on human nature, though. It's just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. Covering the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Ha, Pink floyd. But it's so true. Disturbingly true.

I've got nothing else to lose anyways. Why not take it all?
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Blurty for Drowning in your awes.

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