Jessica's Journal

Friday, August 26, 2005

9:46PM - Beginings and Ends

Well, looks as though Allen and I will be moving in togehter about 6months sooner than we thought which at the moment has me worried a little. I am losing my roomate of over a year and a half on extremely short notice and in less than two weeks she'll be in Montana! Had to tell the landlords today that this is the last month we will be renting the place instead of resigning the lease papers.

Clinicals start in full swing for a month and a half this coming Thursday; slightly scared and half ready to start them so they will be over with! Not looking forward to driving to Albuquerque every thursday afternoon doing my 12 hours and then driving to Vegas only to turn around later on Friday afternoon and do it again until Saturday morning when I drive to Taos! Lord help me REALLY, I am actually looking forward to a full week of Psych Nuring at the State Hospital so I can stay in Vegas and not travel the raod every day in between clinical days!

Feeling out of it as far as classes go. Only one full day a week and I have yet to start cracking the books for just that tiny amount of coursework. So not used to there being pressure but not a constant one where Nuring is concerned. Need to re-take my CNA certification-yay(not) as it expired in July.

Still no mail in my PO Box for me just the last three tenants. Disgusting really!!!!!, as I have had it for almost four months now in my name!

Missing Allen but not with him by choice in a roundabout way. Wanting to expand my circle of friends but not knowing how at the moment.

Current mood: indescribable
Current music: Dinah Washington- Funny things
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005


Well, I officially passed all of my LPN courses;whew! Two B+'s and a C+. Not bad.

Spent the last three days in Vegas with family and have been mostly content but have been faced with mnay issues that I myself wasn't prepared for. Too many thoughts and feelings floating through my head and none of it really being grasped by me. I seriously doubt anyone who presented these ideals and situations to me had any clue what I meant as I tried to explain and describe my rational and feelings surrounding each one. Self confusion.

Role Transition classes start tomorrow and I am a little nervous and anxious to have it behind me. Pinning on Saturday and I haven't any plans yet for a seperate party or get together after the class's ceremony. Fear of another blase' spent day for me that should have been over the top in rejoicing in my short life.

Saw Marc Sunday night and have been emotionally disjointed since then. Thinking of past relationships and current romance/lack of. Out of sorts and not able to right any of it.

Physically going through a down spell again. Face is broke out in horrid acne, intestines are bloated and ?, missed period for second month in a row, gained five more pounds. Hhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Anyone out there?

Current mood: restless
Current music: The Motels-Only the Lonely
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

8:59AM - The MONSTER


I pray with every cell in my body that this final isn't going to be one from left field in content and that I pass with at least an 80%. I can't even dwell on what will be the next year of my life if I don't. It is just so freaking paralyzing to know that one calss that was only four weeks out of nine months of Nursing School could cause me to fail the whole endeavor! I am not impressed with Emily Russell.

Well, with all of God's grace, the luck of the Irish, and any charity of Karma I will absorb the necessary information for the test after today's studying and pre-test taking and pass the MONSTER.

Not stressed just not thinking about it too much.

Current mood: discontent
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Thursday, May 5, 2005

12:19PM - Finals!

Tomorrow morning is my scariest final. Not sure why i feel that way really as I have performed most of these scenarios in real life on an actual person with my Clinical Instructor helpingme but i am still nervous.

Next week is sink or swim for me and I will prepare myself as best I can by studying with the provided guides and workbooks but I still feel aprehensive.

Hell I am just afraid of the end of the longest and most tiring 9 months of my life so far.

Current mood: nervous
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Monday, April 25, 2005

7:43PM - Revealing

Talking to aunt Twig- spewing so much and is it okay?

Current mood: blank
Current music: Avril Lavigne- Do you get it now?
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5:04PM - Sailing for me the lion's QUEEN

My ever physically distant man of courage; Cody, the lion. The non-stop irony of fate. He and I both lonely and feeling like glass. Why can't we just be together? Is it the divine's plan for us to never be or that we must wait, and if so why?

I will never understand the two step of time and space that we always have to go along with. To be his QUEEN.
If wishes were made true. Oh Jimney cricket where are you?

Current mood: Fragile
Current music: TLC-Creep
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

9:09AM - Peds rotation

Yesterday sucked! SUCKED!!!!!

Emily is not a proficient teacher and she is a horrific clinical instructor! OMG! I can't even talk about it anymore. Everyone in our St. Vincent's Clinical Group yesterday was disgusted with the 12 hours we spent there and how we were treated by their staff and our own teacher. Then you add in the situation surrounding my patient and her roller coaster of attitude and behavior and then you have me blowing a major bitchy attitude.

Today is overwhelming so far because we just completed two out of the three tests that were looming over us and I don't feel too great about how i did. We shall see how the results are. This afternoon looks ominous as I didn't study at all for Med-Surge and I always feel aprehensive about Connie's tests no matter what the subject or the amount of preparation I had.

My truck is acting slightly weird still even after the energy consuming fight with it to change the oil myself on Monday afternoon. Never again will I let my broither put the oil pan bolt/nut on for me. Good grief it took Chase coming over and using all the brute force of his left hand to wrench it loose! Thank God for new friends and their willingness to help me out periodocally. *Happy note- i finally cleaned the interior of my car well, so now I've scrubbed it twice since my Grandpa gave it to me last August! It is a good thing that I don't leave trash in it because I would have had a dump going on in the small cab.

So many things to get started and finished by this weekend's completion but I am not going to freak out or get discouraged.

Two and a half more weeks. Count-down begins!

Current mood: cynical
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

2:13PM - She has no time

You think your days are uneventful,
And no one ever thinks about you.
She goes her own way.
She goes her own way.

You think your days are ordinary,
And no one ever thinks about you.
But we're all the same,.
And she can barely breathe without you now.

She says she has no time for you now,'
She says she has no time.

Think about the lonely people.
And think about the day she found you.
Or lie to yuorself,
And see it all dissolve around you.

She says she has no time for you now.
She syas she has no time.

Lonely people tumble downwards.
My heart opens up to you.
When she says she has no time for you now.
She says she has no time.

God this so describes the haunting truth and sad reality of what Josh and I have resolved to.

It still amazes me how music is created to express one person's personal feelings and can appeal and mean so much to the masses in different ways too!

Current mood: apathetic
Current music: Keane-Hopes and Fears album
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Thursday, April 7, 2005

7:35AM - Failing!

Yep. I'm barely hanging in there as for Med Surge class. I am so sick and tired of that class, literally. Am I giving up? No, just not giving it my all anymore. The end is so near and yet it feels like it will not get here fast enough and not efficiently either. Too damn much is asked of me by everyone in my life right now and all I need and want is a month to not have to be on any deadlines or appointment schedule.

I never have time to study- it is always a choice between sleep or studying and I hate that no choice; I need to sleep. My 16 hour days are killing me as it is!

Current mood: pissed off
Current music: Alice in Chains- Down in a hole
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Wednesday, April 6, 2005

8:25AM - Lately

Lately many things have once again claimed the joy in themselves when I do them. Such as the Laundry, cleaning the floors, reading a book, walking in the park, driving down Paseo Del Pueblo Norte, grocery shopping, getting up in the morning, making myself something to eat. Life in general is nice. Is it the new place or the coming of Spring?

I met and hung out with Donn finally. Pressy is such a match maker. I am just letting myself ride the wave with this guy. He is too intriuging for me that I don't want to get too drawn in and let down. Quick peck on the lips and a wink for the road. Amazingly fast and sweet. Hopefully we will go to the movies this weekend.

Classes keep changing here and as for my schedule from day to day who knows? Aggrevating!

Joey and Grandpa called yesterday it was so refreshing to hear that other people in my life are also being optomistic and charging ahead eventhough there are lots of scary and challenging realities for them to live through this month.

Today I will continue to try to be positive. The morning was good and i won't let small people and their ideals get me gloomy.

Current mood: busy
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Thursday, March 31, 2005

7:22AM - Last eve's services

Church was very uplifting and butt kicking in the right way. I am so glad that I have obeyed the urge in my heart to start attending church again regularly. Larry put it very well last night when he explained to us through scriptures that God is always ready and prepared a way for whatever problems come in our path. He has alredy set up a default for us if we would just trust Him daily to get us through each moment, each day, until that bigger problem comes and then we breeze through it with confidence since we know that god will get us through it as he had the smaller stuff in previous days.

I have never enjoyed getting caught up in all the things I have to get done in life and being pulled away from the things in life that make me feel at peace and whole.

Life is moving too fast right now. Am I just sailing through it?

Current mood: Depleted
Current music: 100.3 The Peak
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

2:14PM - Words from Josh, to Josh

Sick sad irony and broken promises. All he is capable of.

I'm tired. I'm moving on.

Current mood: sick
Current music: Tenderness- Information Society
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8:28AM - Bombed a test, again.

Well today is the second time in this semester's course of testing that I have totally bombed a test. I must admit though that no studying and not being present for the scheduled time of lecture over drug actions for this test didn't help my cause any.

Still haven't learned to effectively manage my time. Shit, it is either sleep or study and I can't go without sleep. I have tried and all it does it put me further behind in my comprehension and note taking when I am in class!

Nursing School for my LPN year is almost over and none too soon. I am so burnt out on always having to juggle every aspect fo my life and feeling as if none of it matters because I can't give any of it 100% of myself.

I need a vacation. Again.

Hopefully my friends will come through for me and give me the much needed contact and surprise of a visit that I need soon.

Current mood: weighed down
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Monday, March 28, 2005

12:16PM - Moving... ON

So today sandy and I move out of the uncomfortable micro-chasm that was our residence with Grant. relief sweet and strong already and I know it will only spread as we move our things into the new house today.

I have no more energy to feel pain or regret over the last two quazi relationships I was recently in and which ended both the same meloncholy way. I am a fortunate soul who just needs to find the other fortunate soul who gets my awesomeness and can support and nurture it even when it overshadows their abilities. Being alone seems comforting right now with so many transitions coming up in my life.

Graduating in a month. Hasn;t sunk in yet. not like it should- elation and peace, all that stuff. then again whenver I see the possibility of my journey's fruitions it never does turn out as jubilant an occasssion as it should. Hallow.

Off to Taos to start the beautiful transition of physically distancing myself from a huge problem in my life.

Current mood: morous
Current music: Clacking of the keys
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Wednesday, March 9, 2005

11:44AM - Foreshadowing pleasantness

Well I got a call from the OBGYN's office this morning. they want tme to come in and take a pregnancy test. Now I am worried. I thought all of this was over with my visit on Monday and giving my four vials of obligatory blood for every test under the sun(including HIV- knowing is beautiful!). Just had a conversation with my brother yesterday about all this and just sex in general and now when I thought I was all clear to go about living my life as a childless 21 year old here it all comes again. Good thing I didn't talk to Marc yet.

Marc. What can be said as to that subject. My head and heart can't even grasp what is going on.

Cody has come around again. I have promised to call him tonight and so I will. I look forward to it and yet not with the new pending news that I just finally told him about but now look like a liar.

This sucks.

I have two more very important tests today and tomorrow and I am so nervous I can't even get the willpower to study!

Current mood: anxious
Current music: My Chemical Romance-Helena
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Thursday, March 3, 2005

7:40AM - Overdue Conversations

11:00p.m.- 1:00 a.m.

Had the very long time coming conversation with Marc about the possibility of me being pregnant and the complications and implications for each of us that it will bring if my Monday's appoinmnet at the OBGYN says it is in fact a reality.

Cried a lot as usual since the past two weeks of contmeplating this hard hitting idea. Still not sleeping well and having really bad dreams of burning in lava that I can't drive away from no matter how far I go, and I just drag all of my family an dfreinds into it with me.

Current mood: crushed
Current music: Smashing Pumpkins- Greatest Hits
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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

12:51PM - Invader Phlegm!

Wouldn't you know it there is no available Mucinex anywhere to be purchased in Taos right now! Not anywhere, and that is pretty bad considering that there are four local pharmacies and three stores with over the counter areas for it and that is including the Walmart!

I am so sick of having the flu! My nose is always flowing and my luggies are of competing size in the National Spitting contest. Seriously Guiness' World Records would be interested in measuring a few of the babies I've launched in the last three days.

Going to the Gyno on Monday and I am so nervous. I can't sleep and I still haven't heard anything from Marc since last Friday.

Why is Jeremiah so excited about all my latest blupers in life? Not blunders because I have headed into all of these with full determination they just keep ending up as catastrophies of epic proportions.

I have the support and concern of most of my friends againa dn yet I haven't been forth coming and real with any of them about the things weighing on my heart and mind this past month. I am so scared of what tey will say once I find out what I suspect will become my life in six months.

Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Carly Simon- Coming Around Again
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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

7:37AM - I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for...

Why is it not my time?

I shed this skin I've been tripping in , never quiet to return.

Someday I'll fly, some day I'll soar. Someday I'll be something much more. Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for. Cause I'm bigger than my body now...

Okay so the past month has been overall shitty. That usually is the case after I have a happy month of euphoric events. That is just how the universe chooses to dole out my life lessons.

I am working on making myself comfortable in my skin; one day at a time. I have resolved to let go of the things I can't change and to cherish moments with others as they are happining, to be present in them, so when they are over I won't linger on their memory. I won't beat myself up on not doing homework or exercise before I even start on either one cause it perpetuates the procrastination. I'll take more time to just cry when I need to even if it means driving for hours around town to be able to do so without hesitation.

Giving myself the personal space and love I need so I no longer need others to make me who I am each day.

Current mood: calm
Current music: John Mayer- Something's Missing
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Monday, February 21, 2005

9:11PM - Sad movies and sad thoughts

Well I want change.

Bought hair dye, foundation, weight loss pills, and lots of toiletries today. Mindframe was hopeful this morning but my self medication of non-stop junk food eating hasn't stopped yet neither has my procrastination of homework.
Sent out a blanket e-mail to my remissive "friends." Still haven't heard anything from Marc, the only person who I have spent any real energy trying to communicate with in the last two months. Communication breakdown is so shitty. I fucking hate the state of affairs that is my life, where others are concerned. No one gets that either.

I hate myself when I feel this way since I don't have any control over getting the cure for it.

Just want to give in to tears and darkness already.

Feel like an alien in my own body anymore. One day feeling progressive and positive for my dedication to what I am, and then the next hallow and meaningless in my persuit of everything I persue.

Does God even know how I feel? I'm not sure I do.

Current mood: dirty
Current music: The Postal Service
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4:03PM - Something's Missing

Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it.
Something's missing, and I don't know hwat it is; at all.

When Autumn comes it dosen't ask. It just walks in where it left you last.
You never know when it starts, until there's a fog inside the glass around your summer heart.

Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it.
Something's missing , and I don't know what it is; at all.

I can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design.
I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness like this.

Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it.
Something's missing and I don't know what it is.
No I don;t know what it is.
Something's different and I don't know what it is.
No I don;t know what it is.

Friends- check.
A well spent opposite sex-check.
Messages waiting on me when I get home... ?

Heavy. Real heavy. So many emotions that not a one is the forefront; the leader.
In a state of barely existing in a shell called my physical realm, reality.


Current mood: weird
Current music: John Mayer
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